Join me on the radio tonight!

Hi everyone! I may have taken a few days off from blogging (too much working this weekend!) but I wanted to remind you guys of my radio spot tonight on Cougar Chat Radio!

Here’s the link: http://youradionetwork.com/

It comes on at 9:00pm Eastern.

The gorgeous, feisty ladies and I are going to dish about all kinds of love, relationship and sex goodies. You can call in and ask questions too! Call 717-496-9900.

Come join me! :)

Drunk unicorns? WTF?

People of Florida unite! No longer will your hurricanes be mentionable on tests in NY.

Japanese citizens, your tsunami is off limits to the children of NY.

New Orleans, I guess the levee didn’t break. At least according to NY.

You may have guessed it, but our Word(s) of the day are: Catastrophes/disasters (tsunamis and hurricanes)

From now on it will be sunshine, rainbows and unicorns for all of the children of NY as anything Mother Nature can dish up beyond that is off-limits.

I’m quite certain that NY is right about this one. If we simply deny the existence of hurricanes, tsunamis, tornadoes, etc…then they don’t exist, right? Were it only so simple.

NY, please stop being so friggin’ stupid as you are making my brain hurt.

In celebration of the moronic musings of the idiots on the NY DOE and the yellow-spine quality of the NY mayor, may I direct you to the best Southpark episode ever. Maybe they all should have watched this before writing their list. It may have given them the clarity to pull their heads out of their asses. ;)

If you are one of the 10 people who’ve never seen this episode, please watch. Just don’t eat while you watch. Later, you’ll understand why and thank me for the suggestion. :)

Southpark rules!

Unicorn pics sourced from this blog.

Holy Cow Batman! I won the Versatile Blogger Award! Woo hoo!

HOLY COW!!! You guys never cease to amaze me with your kindness and thoughtfulness. I’m soooo happy I joined WordPress and met all of you!

I am delighted to have been awarded the Versatile Blogger Award. This is just such a lovely surprise. And quite honestly, it’s so nice to know that my trucker mouth and sassy self don’t drive you all away from my blog!!! :)

The rules of the award are simple:

  • Thank the person who gave you this award.
  •  Include a link to their blog.
  •  Next, select 10 to 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly.
  •  Nominate those 10 to 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award
  •  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

I would like to share my heartfelt thanks with readncook for giving me this award. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that anyone even reads my blog, much less enjoys it enough to give me such a wonderful award. Thank you so very much! It’s especially meaningful because readncook is a teacher and I used to be one too, so we share many similar experiences. If you haven’t checked out readncook’s blog yet, please do. She’s great!

In the tradition of passing along wonderful things, here is my list of nominees for the Versatile blogger award in no particular order; they are all great reads and represent a variety of perspectives (some of these people are mouthy as hell, which is why I love them so dearly!):

zenandtheartofborderlinemaintenance

unrequitedlovesucks

stuartotwaysmith

kyllingsara

thechangeyourlifeblog

lifeinthedrivethru

taoquest

jeffdalydose

cantstopmyself

fromthepews

elliebloo

foreverpoetic

Go! Go follow all of these people now. They are all wonderful in their own unique way. :)

Seven things about me (like I haven’t already told you guys everything there is to know!):

  1. I have about 300 teddy bears and they all have names and partners!
  2. I have two tattoos, though I’ll never tell where they are or what they are of. Well, I guess I should never say never. :)
  3. I met my wonderful, deliriously sweet hubby online!! Best day of my life.
  4. I have Flintstone feet. If you look at the cover of my Intimacy book you can see them. They are essentially square.
  5. Armageddon is one of my favorite trash Saturday afternoon movies.
  6. I dream of living in Hello Kitty Land.
  7. I have now shared enough about myself online to give fodder to any stalker out there.

Again, thank you sooooooooo much! This means so dang much to me. :)

Trending words are not in my wheelhouse

What in the holy hell is a wheelhouse? I think of my hamster running in his cage when I hear the word wheelhouse.

I am fully aware that a language that does not grow, eventually dies–think Latin here. But still!

Here’s a list of words that make me bonkers (please forgive if any of these words are in YOUR wheelhouse!):

  1. Trending. What ever happened to “trendy?” Trending is a verb. Trendy is an adjective. Why the change? Was the “y” somehow offensive?
  2. Wheelhouse. WTF? I’m going to leave it at that.
  3. Ginormous. Kill me. Kill me now. I hate this word so much I would vomit on it were it a tangible thing.
  4. Amazeballs. Makes me immediately think of a guy with ginormous balls. Oops! ;) J/K.
  5. Chillax. If anyone ever told me to chillax I’d hit them in the face with a hammer.
  6. Stacation. Is it really so hard to say, “I’m staying home and relaxing?” Why not, “houscation?” or “homcation?” or “cheapcation?”
  7. Woot. Probably not as bad as I think it is but this wretchedly stupid bitch where I used to work would use it all the time to try and distract us from her massive failures at her job. It did not work.
  8. Anyhoo/anywho. I know, a lot of you probably use this word, but it makes my brain itch.
  9. Butthurt. Ummmm…man, do I have LOTS of things to say about this one. The image that immediately pops into my mind is, well, probably too horrible to articulate here, though I’m DYING to do so.

I’m quite certain I use words that sometimes make people want to duct tape my face, but I’m okay with being annoying. I just hate it when other people are. Again, soooo kidding! I’m feisty this morning!

In parting, may I just say that using ginormous words while describing what’s trending is so in my amazeballs wheelhouse that if you are reading this on your stacation and get butthurt while doing so, all I have to say is chillax. Anyhoo…  ;)

And I think I may have just turned into the Mayor of NY since apparently we both like banning words–though I think mine make a hell of a lot more sense. :) Oh, I almost forgot, woot woot!

Horse’s Arse Award Appropriately Timed!

Well, well, well…I didn’t even realize that my “You are a ridiculous horse’s ass” word of the day is…drum roll please…cancer. What timing, seeing how I just got such good news about my aunt’s cancer today.

So, I guess the word “cancer” is too upsetting for kids to ever hear about. I mean, I’m sure they’ve never known anyone with cancer. I’m sure it wouldn’t be wise to teach them steps they can take to avoid cancer, like not smoking. Oh, wait, can’t discuss smoking either, so let’s throw that baby out with the bath water.

In a world where you can’t go to the grocery store without the secure knowledge that you will more than likely bump into at least one or two people with cancer while you are there buying bread, why on earth would we shelter kids from better understanding it? Cancer.org predicts that a bit over 20% of Americans die from cancer. So yeah, I guess a 1 in 5 figure is no reason to concern ourselves with ensuring our kids understand what causes and how to prevent cancer.

Have mercy, this list of forbidden words just gets sillier and sillier.

Kicking Ovarian Cancer’s Ass

My life is filled with so many blessings from God and this is at the top of my list right now. My aunt, when she was 30, was at home in Baltimore and her breast exploded. It turned out she had end-stage breast cancer and the doctors had no hope of her ever recovering. Well, she taught them all that she wasn’t ready to die yet and with much prayer and strength she went into remission for 32 years. What an incredible miracle.

About 3 months ago she found out she had ovarian cancer that had spread into her stomach and other areas. The doctors had no hope, yet again. The cancer was so advanced and the tumors so profound that when she went into surgery for a full hysterectomy that they, literally, could not even cut through her to get to her uterus, etc…and had to terminate the surgery. We, her family, were devastated. My aunt is a wonderful woman who’s been through more trauma in her life then I can even begin to fathom and to have this come up on her so fast and to have an expectation that she would die any day was just too much to bear for all of us.

She was unable to eat, barely able to walk, and physically declining every day. But, being the trooper that she is, she decided to go ahead with chemo and now, 3 months later, her doctors are simply astonished by her improvement. It is another miracle. After 3 chemo treatments her tumors have responded so well that after her next treatment they are going to go in and re-attempt the hysterectomy. Once they remove her internal girl-parts, they’re going to finish the last few treatments and expect that she could go into full remission.

It’s simply incredible. We spent the 2 weeks after we found out about the cancer calling funeral homes and cemeteries in order to be best prepared for her passing, but she was NOT done with life yet!!! It’s just amazing to me that she has the stamina, strength and determination to beat end-stage cancer TWICE!!!

She’s not totally out of the woods yet and prayers would be so very appreciated, but the future is no longer grim–there could be a happy ending after all.

My aunt is my hero today as she chooses to beat the challenges that jump into her path with dignity, bravery and love. For that, I’ll always be thankful to her. Go Aunt Margie!

The kids book, “Everbody poops” is a LIE!

Well, at least according to the NY DOE and Mayor Duh.

Word of the day: Bodily functions

Honest to God, while I pretend that women don’t have any bodily functions other than breathing, I’m not so insane that I think in a SCHOOL, where children learn about the human body in science class (and under the bleachers, and in the locker room…) that there should be no mention of bodily functions on assessments. It’s ludicrous!

Every time I watch a TV show, I have to see some guy pee. Shrek is so full of bathroom humor that I can barely watch it. You guys know how I feel about bathroom issues. I posted 2 excerpts from my books that deal with keeping that stuff private. Clearly it’s not a topic of discussion in which I willing engage. But c’mon, is it REALLY so traumatizing for children to have a reference to the most natural thing in the world if they are taking a test regarding the human body?

Let’s see, the average person probably pees between 5-7 times a day? Does the “other” maybe once? (Ewwww!) So, it’s not like the schools would be bringing up a subject with which the students are unfamiliar. It’s not like they are testing kids on S&M practices in 8th grade.

Hats off to the NY DOE and Mayor “The Lobbyists Pay Me Well” to adding yet another absolutely stupid word/concept to their list of no-no words.  Maybe they think if we don’t talk about it, it won’t ever happen again. I give us all 2 days before we literally blow up.

Hey, maybe that is their problem! They are so FULL OF SHIT that they’d prefer the topic be taken off the table. Yep, makes sense to me. :)

Might I suggest this the next time they go to the invisible House of Poo to take care of business:

TWO ears, ONE mouth: Use accordingly.

Good grief! I’m pretty sure the listening skills of the general population have been flushed down the toilet. In the last 2 days I’ve had conversations with customer service people (bless them for their jobs as I couldn’t do it, but STILL!!) who apparently didn’t listen to a single word I said during the entire conversation and then asked me the world’s stupidest questions.

Customer Service Cluster F*ck #1:

Situation: My Dish Network receiver has been crashing 5 times a day for weeks. So I call and troubleshoot over the phone, to no avail. After another week I call back in and request a new receiver. When it arrives, I install it, no problems there. But on step 4 of 7 of the software setup I can’t get my 2nd TV to get a signal. So I call back. This is how the conversation goes:

Me: Hi! I just installed a new DVR, am on step 4 of 7 of setting up the software. I’m trying to get signal to TV2.  On screen it tells me I have channels 73, 60, 21 and 75 as choices for the 2nd TV’s reception and none of them work. I’ve tried them all.

Him: How old is your receiver?

Me: 5 minutes as I just installed it.

Him: What are you seeing on screen?

Me: (I tell him the step 4 of 7, channel lineup, blah blah blag again.)

Him: What error code is there?

Me: There is no error code. I’m on step 4 of 7. It’s not a error-code issue. I just can’t get my 2nd TV to pick up the signal.

Him: Yes ma’am, but what is the 3 digit error code.

Me: There is no error code.

Him: If you aren’t having any technical issues, then how can I help you?

Me: I again repeat the problem.

Him: Maybe you need a new receiver. How old is your receiver.

Me: 20 minutes old (as this pointless conversation has now taken 15 minutes)

Him: And what error code are you seeing?

Me: HANGS UP PISSED OFF AS CAT IN A BATHTUB!

Customer Service Cluster F*ck #2:

Situation: I go to Urgent Care this morning for having all these insanely itchy bumps on my arm. Ewww…gross! I thought they were more bug bites and the swelling and redness was increasing. Quack at Urgent Care tests me for MRSA (of all things!) and tells me I probably have Shingles (which I do NOT have). She gives me 2 prescriptions (for puke-inducing antibiotics and some other awful drug)  which I drop off at Walgreens. Then she sends me to a dermatologist. After waiting TWO HOURS (talk about shitty customer service) the dermatologist sees me and says I have hives–a reaction to the bug bite from 10 days ago. Tells me not to take the meds the Quack gave me. Tells me I don’t have MRSA or Shingles. Just put this ointment on to stop the itching and I’ll be fine.

Back I go to Walgreens and the madness ensues:

Me: Hi. I have a prescription to drop off. I dropped off two earlier this morning, but won’t be needing them. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but can you fill this one for me and just put back the other two?

Him: Sure, just come back in about 30 minutes and we’ll have all 3 waiting for you.

Me: Ummm…I don’t need all 3. The two I dropped off this morning were prescribed in error. I only need the one I’m dropping off now.

Him: It might take longer than 30 minutes to fill all 3. Better give us an hour.

Me: (With the world’s most confounded look on my face). I only need the one you have in your hand. The other two you can cancel. I don’t need them. Please just fill the one in your hand. The anti-itch ointment. I don’t need the antibiotic or the other cream.

Him: Sure thing. See you in 30 minutes and we’ll have all 3 of them waiting for you.

Me: Thanks so much. (And I drove away wanting to burn the building to the ground.)

I totally understand that people who deal with the public probably want to become mass murderers. I’ve had jobs that were nothing but customer facing and I sometimes wondered how I didn’t bring a chainsaw to work with me and just do everyone in. But c’mon!!!??? Really???? There were no language barriers causing issues. I am a pretty clear communicator, as you guys all well know. I’m so damn polite I annoy myself. WHY can’t anyone just LISTEN??? Good Lord have mercy. I sincerely try to be the most patient person on earth, but sometimes…

What I’ve learned from all of this is that in order to not be horribly hypocritical I’m going to do my damnedest to always listen more than I speak in face to face conversations. I’m usually pretty good at that, but I’d never want anyone to feel about me the way I feel about these two…ummmm…can’t find a polite word so I’ll just not give them a name. :)

PS: I KNOW my photo has horrible language (I can’t help myself, I love to cuss), but it just made me bust out laughing when I read it so I had to share. I’m not sure about copyright for images on other blogs, but I grabbed the image from here: http://othersiderainbow.blogspot.com/2010/05/two-ears-one-mouth.html. I hope that covers my butt!

Loan Sharking is Legal??

I just have to comment on a commercial as I think it’s funny as all get out and yet horrifies me to the core.

It’s for an loan kinda place and the on-air chick says, “Yes, the money is expensive, but it’s a lot cheaper then a payday advance.” I find the statement, “Yes, the money is expensive,” to by hysterical. You mean buying money COSTS money? Who’d have guessed.

Then come the terms of the loan.

“The APR for a typical loan of $5,000 is 110.73%, with 84 monthly payments of $488.58.”

That means you pay $41,040.72 for $5,000. Holy ever loving mother of God. Are you shitting me???

I’m not sure how loan sharking became legal. I must have missed that on the news. They don’t mention knee-capping for lack of payment, but I guarantee if you don’t pay on time, some big ass mo fo shows up at your door with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. Either him or, as the picture shows, the Grim Reaper with his, “You are SO out of time,” speech.

Options you have instead of going to this place of insanity:

  • Hooking on the street corner. You could earn at least $500 a day if you have ANY skill.
  • Panhandling on the street corner if hooking scares you.
  • Starting your own Pyramid scheme. As long as you are at the top, you earn money.
  • Selling stuff you own. Not fun, but still better than being violated in unpleasant places.
  • Having a bunch of lemonade stands in your front yard. Might not make you 5k, but it’s better than the alternatives.

Having no money sucks. I’ve been there and it seriously blows. But trading 41k for 5k just seems like bad business to me. And SHAME on WesternSky Financial (the money rapers) for being so greedy and taking advantage of people in need. Asshats.

Stepping down from soapbox now! ;)

Birthday Ban! Just say no to birthdays. Wha???

Well, I can’t go slacking on my commentary related to the ridiculous list of NY DOE, Mayor-approved words that have been banned form use on NY tests administered in public schools.

Word of the day: Birthday

Yes, you read that correctly. You can no longer use the word “birthday” as certain religious groups find birthdays offensive and against God. Ummm…okay.

So, you’ll never again see a question like this:

“On Jacob’s birthday he received $5 from his mom. How many quarters total $5?”

A. I have no idea

B. What’s a birthday?

C. YOU HAVE OFFENDED ME WITH THE WORD BIRTHDAY AND I REFUSE TO ANSWER!

D. 2

Okay, I understand the separation of church and state and actually appreciate it in a lot of ways, but “birthday”?

A big part of learning is making connections between the content and the real world of the student. I guess NY begs to differ. Idiots.

Ugh, what else is there to say?