Seriously, it’s not wise to kill a man while he’s sawing logs.

Even though you may sincerely want to.

Even though you think there are no other options.

Even though you are positive a jury would never convict.

Don’t do it.

I’ve wanted to before. More times that I can count. That incessant snoring that makes you want to die or commit murder is too much to bear! (See, you thought I was serious about murdering people while they slept…never! Well…not anymore at least.)

My dad was a snorer. Good lord, it sounded like a plane was landing onto the roof of the house. My step-father snored so damn loud that you could hear it 25 feet down the hall and through 2 closed doors. Talk about wanting to kill???

Then, almost 20 years of a snore-free life. Somehow, I lucked out and had no men in my life that snored anymore. It was delicious. Delectable. Divine. I got to actually SLEEP!!! I’m an insomniac by nature, so when I do finally fall asleep, I really, desperately need to stay asleep.

Alas, along came my precious hubby. Holy ever-loving God. I’ve NEVER heard such a racket. EVER! The entire bed vibrates. The first two years of our relationship was me taking an insane amount of over the counter sleep meds to try and fall asleep (NOT healthy!) and jamming the nose of my teddybear into one ear and jamming my finger into the other ear in a wild attempt to drown out the cacophony taking place a mere 6 inches from my head. Of course, as soon as you start to fall asleep, your fingers (and teddybear nose) fall away from your ears and BAM!!!! Awake again and awake to stay.

Now, those of you who know me know that I love my husband more than oxygen. I’d happily jump in front of a bullet for him. But…not killing him in his sleep was the greatest challenge of my life. I loved him so much during the day, but spent every night kidney punching him, pushing him, rolling him over, pinching his nose shut. Oh, it was awful! I’d have felt bad for him EXCEPT if he hadn’t been snoring he could have slept unscathed.

Know this: If anyone has ever told you that you snore–YOU SNORE!! I know it’s not your fault. Heck, when I have a bad cold I snore a tiny bit too. It’s not just a guy problem. If your wife snores I imagine you want her dead just about every night too.

So, here’s a solution. It may not work for everyone, but it damn sure has worked for us. I’ve told many people about it and have gotten huge thank you letters (that weren’t written from prison…whew…) My wonderful hubby was willing to try the, as we call it, “Mouthy Thing” from puresleep.com. That is the only brand I know of that works, there may be others. But this is the only one I’ll ever buy.

Here’s how it works. You boil it in water and mold it to your teeth. It slightly juts your bottom jaw forward as you sleep so that you don’t snore. WARNING: for the first 10 days his jaw was slightly sore in the mornings for about 15-30 minutes. But that wore off and it’s a damn sight better than bleeding out after wifey finally succumbs to the ever-pending nervous breakdown . Now he wears it every night and doesn’t even think twice about it. It’s reduced his snoring by about 85%. It’s HEAVEN!!!

Now, if you are a snorer and think, “Why the hell should I do that??? I sleep just fine!” Yeah, YOU sleep fine. But no one else does. Part of a loving relationship is wanting the other person to be healthy and happy. Let me assure you that if your significant other is not getting proper sleep, they are not happy nor healthy. Lack of sleep is one of the most mentally and physically debilitating situations a person can be in (besides earthquakes, tornadoes, the zombie apocalypse, etc…) Plus, they do sincerely hate you every night as they get into bed.  They may never tell you that, but it’s true 9 times out of 10. We know if you could, you’d not snore. We know you aren’t trying to make us weep uncontrollably at the mere thought of crawling into bed with you. Alas, that is usually the case. You, Mr. or Mrs. Snorer will only be minimally inconvenienced for the first week or so as your jaw adjusts to it. But then you’ll be fine. That is such a small price to pay for the eternal love and gratitude you’ll get from your finally-sleeping love.

Plus, they go on sale all the time. I think we got 2 for $65 bucks or so and they last between 9-15 months each.

Show your honeybunny how much you love them and how much you want to live to see your next birthday and get yourself one. I bought mine for my man and am always the buyer of them. BEST MONEY I’VE EVER SPENT. If I had to hook on the corner for the cash, I’d do it. I’ve got mad skills.

So go! Go NOW! Get one and see just how much happier  your home will be. XOXOXO

Image procured from http://www.herdaily.com/health/760/are-you-snoring-check-this-out-.html