Jun 15 2012

Hang up your freaking phone while I pee or I will END you!

The next person who talks on the phone in a public bathroom while I am doing my girl-business is going to be on the receiving end of my wrath! ;)

As you guys know, I’m not a proponent of public bathroom anything. My husband doesn’t even know I have a colon or a bladder. He doesn’t need to know. I run the water in the bathroom when anything is going on because NO ONE needs to hear my “bidness.” I pretend I’m brushing my hair or teeth or something other than what I’m doing.

I do realize I am probably a bit insane about such things. If you’ve read my book excerpts, you know how I feel about potty-time. I’m a whacko, I know. But setting my insanity aside, who on God’s green earth thinks it’s appropriate, polite or at all acceptable to be on the phone in a public bathroom if anyone else is in there?

Let me set the stage for the tragic, horrifying phone/bathroom incident I bore witness to recently.

The hubby and I were having dinner in a really nice restaurant–no plastic utensils and they actually had tablecloths. We even had a lit candle on the table. It was lovely. At the end of the meal, I excused myself to go “powder my nose” and when I got to the bathroom it was clear that someone was having a rough time in there. Poor girl. As if being tummy-sick isn’t bad enough, but in public, at a fancy pants restaurant? Total suckage. But 5 glasses of water was taking its toll on me, so I had to stay in there. As I’m preparing to make my deposit, a chick walks in smacking gum like she was in a contest and loudly talking on her phone to a girlfriend. Here’s how it went:

Phone idiot: “Yeah, so I ordered the lobster. Why not? If he’s going to date me, he’s gotta pay! …I know! Right? Dumb ass man. I just wore my red dress…yeah, that’s the one. Whoa! What the hell is that smell? Did something die in here?”

There I am, hiding in a stall, thinking several things:

  • You stupid cow, get the hell out of the bathroom.
  • What a bitch to say such a thing where people can hear her.
  • Why are you on the phone in the toilet room?
  • You are clearly a gold digging whore so I hate you anyway. ;)
  • God, please don’t let her think that awful olfactory nightmare is coming from me! (Horribly selfish thought, I know.)

Phone idiot: “Jesus…I hear one girl peeing. Another girl is apparently dying. This place sucks.”

There I am, still hiding in my stall, thinking:

  • It’s a bathroom, you stupid moron. What else do you expect to find? A pedicure chair?
  • GET OUT so I can finish peeing.
  • Oh god, that poor sick girl. It’s just getting worse and worse it here. It’s humid from the misery in the stall 2 doors down. I’m going to die.
  • If I leave the stall now, I’m going to have to beat her to death with her phone. I don’t wanna go to jail. Remain in the stall!

Phone idiot: “I can’t believe anyone would do this in a public place! Can’t you wait until you get home?”

At this point, I’m done. D.O.N.E. Done! I’m going to leap over the stall door (think Superman here) and teach her a lesson on kindness and etiquette. I quickly get myself situated, roll up my sleeves, prepare myself for battle, come out of the stall, and this girl is Mike Tyson in a dress! If she didn’t spend 17 hours a day in the gym, then I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. SHIT!!! What to do now? Just because she’s Tyson (in both personality, looks and demeanor) doesn’t give her a free ride to be a douche bag. So, I gathered up all my strength, said a quick prayer about the safe continuation of my teeth in my mouth (she had HUGE, scary hands!) and said, “Excuse me. I need to get to the sink.” I washed my hands and ran for the door. Yep, I’m total chicken shit!!

Aside from my scaredy-cat behavior, the moral of the story is to GET OFF YOUR FRIGGIN’ PHONE IN THE BATHROOM!!! People want you dead when you are jabbering away on your cell, whether or not they say it. It’s horribly rude. And who wants to be on the other end of the phone listening to splishes and splashes and all kinds of icky stuff? The one place where a woman should always feel like she can take care of her business without an audience is a bathroom.

So, next time you are on the phone in a public bathroom just know that every person in there wants to kick your ass black and blue. They may be too polite (or chicken) to say anything, but if you were to catch fire and asked any of your bathroom victims for help, I’m quite certain none of them would even piss on you to put you out. Well, maybe they’d do that because the irony would be delicious, but I wouldn’t count on it. :)

Picture procured from: http://blog.timesunion.com/hottopics/eww%E2%80%A6-most-americans-use-cell-phones-in-the-bathroom/7554/. Smart ass commentary procured from my brain. :)

99 comments on “Hang up your freaking phone while I pee or I will END you!”

  1. People like that make me sick (and it would be nice to be sick on them) because they don’t give a damn about anyone except themselves. I imagine the person on the other end of the phone is none to happy about hearing “RALF.. HUEY.. oh god” or “diarrhoea is hereditary, it runs in my genes” or even “splish splash, my shit’s taking a bath” They must be as embarrassed or annoyed as the people in the toilet. Maybe they should install phone blockers like those in the undergrounds.

    Reply

    • A man after my own heart!!! Honestly, I wanted to kill that chick. Bad enough that she was on the phone, but to be giving a commentary on the sickness of the poor girl. It was awful. If she hadn’t been twice my size and all muscle, I’d have said something, but she was SCARY!!! And I agree, who wants to be on the other end of that call, listening to all of that. Oh, I LOVED your new lyric. That made me laugh out loud. :)

      Reply

  2. LOL!! That’s too funny! Men’s rooms are the same way, with people talking on phones… even sometimes while sitting in the stall. Makes me wonder if anyone has ever been talking to me while sitting using the bathroom?!? It’s like, okay seriously… I know I’m important and awesome, but I’m not so important and awesome that you can’t excuse yourself to take a shit!

    Reply

    • Yes, you are important and awesome!!! But unless I was on the phone with Oprah, discussing my $4,000,000 salary for the new talk show I’m hosting, NOTHING is that important! ;) I was on a web meeting a few weeks ago with about 20 people and someone forgot to mute their phone. No only were we treated to the peeing, but the flush too. Good grief! ;)

      Reply

  3. Great post. Totally agree but it’s not only bathrooms. Those mobile phone idiots are widespread. I bet amazon-woman feels the need to share everything everywhere. Take consolation with that sort of approach not even the red dress will save her from an endless life of dinner dates where she feels the need to order lobster to justify her existence :)

    Reply

  4. Too funny! I’m the same way with being private about my bathroom activities: I always turn the water on no matter what I’m doing. Boys don’t need to know about that kind of stuff :)

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  5. My favorite is when you’re talking to someone on the phone, business as usual, when suddenly you hear a flush on the other end and realize they were doing the potty thing while you were talking to them. Yucko!

    Reply

  6. I make a point to fart extra loud in the Men’s room when someone is yapping on the phone. I have other pet peeves about cell phones and texting, but I will write about that soon on my blog.

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  7. OMG, this has happened to me, and in other places where the person may as well be yelling into the phone. It seems to happen more and more often these days where people were apparently raised with zero parental supervision or respect for others. It’s ALL ABOUT THEM and it sucks.

    Reply

    • It does suck! I guess I’m lucky because I’m not a slave to my cell phone. Just because it rings it doesn’t mean I have to answer it. Plus, I despise talking on the phone with a passion. I’m so glad my mom raised my sister and me to be polite and respectful of others. I’m not sure that the generations after mine got a lot of the same lessons from their parents. This is why I have cats, chickens and a hamster. If I had a kid and it came home from school full of mouth and disrespect, my head would explode. It’s best I stick to furries. ;)

      Reply

      • You mean that alien looking little furry in the coop? I was in a caf today, there were 2 women at this table. One was yacking it up on the phone, the other setting mute. I thought that was rude. Whatever huh… Is that a chicken?

      • That is horribly rude!! The only person I let get away with that is my mom. For her, I’ll happily sit mute in a restaurant. If it’s anyone else, it’s annoying. As for the chickens, I have 2 in the backyard. They are awesome!! They were both supposed to be hens. Well, surprise surprise, one’s a boy. He won’t leave her alone. CHICKEN RAPE!! ;) The little mutant furry chicken in the pics is one I played with at a petting zoo. If I had chicken like that one, I’d sleep in the coop curled around them. I love that damn freaky looking chicken so much! :)

      • LOL!! Chicken rape!! have you seen my doggy pics? Our new Shih Tszu is a wild little tike! Bet he’d love to play with your chickys!

      • Oooohhh…will you send me a link to your puppy pictures? I’d love to see! I’m guessing my chickens would have a field day with your pup. Either that or run screaming in fear. :)

  8. Thanks for the follow of my blog!! I manage to get funny every once in a bit.
    I woulda said something to the lummox. Why is it that all these terms (lummox, boor, cretin, bozo, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.) carry a male connotation? Hmmmmmm…..

    Reply

    • You are very welcome! :) I love me a funny girl. :)

      I tell ya, if she hadn’t been 9 feet tall, 300 pounds of muscle and clearly mean, I’d have said something in a heartbeat. Goodness knows I’ve said things to other people in bathrooms, but I was a little scared of her! :) I was just imagining picking my teeth up off the bathroom floor. Yikers!

      Nice pick up on the male-themed terms. I’m thinking there’s a pattern there for a reason. ;)

      Reply

  9. Lol. You are very funny, candid, and write what many of us think, but prefer to keep to ourselves:) Of course, I’d have to edit some of the things you said, but boy did I have a good time reading your post. Keep it up.

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  10. This is why you should carry firecrackers in your purse. Next time this happens, light one and toss it over the stall divider. The person yakking away will scream in surprise and drop the phone in the toilet. Score on so many levels.

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  11. These are the times you wish she was next to you in the stall talking and ran out of toilet paper….Then you can get back at her by saying “I can’t spare a square!!” (Hope you watch Seinfeld for that reference :)

    Reply

    • I LOVE the, “I can’t spare a square” episode! One of my all-time favorites! :) I soooooo wish that had been the case. I wish I had a stun gun with me. Just a quiet little zap from under the door. ;)

      Reply

  13. You *SO* must visit Japan! I am currently in Japan on a temporary work assignment, and their public toilets are a freakin’ RIOT. There is a smorgasbord of buttons to push, and some help you mask everything that is happening in the stall. You can press a button to make a waterfall sound, and even control the volume. There is a deodorizing button. Wish I could post a photo for you that I took of the instruction panel posted to explain all the buttons. (yes, I took a photo while I was in the toilet. Shut up!) In any case, maybe some of your ancestors were Japanese, and that explains why you feel the way you do. :)

    Reply

  14. A nightmare story. But imagine the added “ick factor” by considering guys doing the same thing, and the fact that hardly ANY of them wash their hands after doing the neccessaries. Gross.

    Reply

    • Well, you just solved my dilemma. I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to have for dinner (should I go the pizza route or eat healthy), but you solved my problem because now I’m not hungry anymore. ;) EWWWW!!! Hand washing is critical, especially for guys. We ladies can technically miss actually touching any skin when going to the bathroom. Boys don’t have that luxury. I’m never touching a boy again. ;) Thanks for the horrifying giggles.

      Reply

  15. Funny story Jodi, but it’s sad that so many of us have had similar scenarios with the rude cell phone users.

    Reply

    • Glad you liked it, Richman22! I know, sad state of affairs when we ALL understand this rudeness. We need to round up all rude cell phone users and send them all to one state where they can live happily (miserably!) together. They can try and out-loud each other. :) Just desserts.

      Reply

      • Especially if the transaction takes place in the ladie’s room.. Lol. Ok, I think I have $5 to spare… we are talking $5? If so, I dare you to climb the stalls and jump on the head of the next bathroom-cellphone-talker…

        Ps! I love your story. :D

      • Oh yikes! Yes, location, location, location!! ;) 5 bux is right, my dear. Okay, so next time some rude tramp gets going on the cell while in the john, I will do something insane and likely illegal. Just testify in court on my behalf–that’s all I ask. Well, that and 5 dollars. ;)

        Glad you liked it, my dear! ;)

  18. Hilarious! So true. Every time I hear a cell phone ring when I’m in a public restroom, I think, “Please, for the love of Jesus, do NOT answer that phone.” Without fail, the phone’s owner answers. REALLY? Anyone else remember land lines? Did we have those in the bathroom? No. Why? Because no one wants to go to the bathroom with you in ANY capacity.

    Reply

    • YOU are hilarious as well! :) “Please, for the love of Jesus…” that had me cracking up!! ;) People can be such dopes. If I ever answer a phone in a bathroom it’s because I’m having a baby in the toilet. As I don’t plan on having children, I think the world is safe from me answering. ;)

      Reply

  19. I’ll admit, I do talk on the phone with my best friends while going pee in my own house, but not in a public restroom! But also, most of us have kids that just walk in whenever!

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    • Nothing wrong with that in your own home. :) My sister doesn’t know it, but I do it all the time at home with her on the phone. Little does she know… ;) You are a good person for NOT doing it in public. ICKY!

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  21. I HATE cell phones! Sorry, but I work on a four man crew and we’re down two men and working overtime, so I’m a bit grumpy. My favorite bumper sticker; the best of the best, greatest of the greatest; drum roll please, “I wonder if you would drive any better with that cell phone shoved up your ass.”

    Reply

    • That will FOREVER be my favorite bumper sticker from this day on!! :) I love that. As for the grumpiness, no worries my overworked friend. Grumpiness, snarkiness, sarcastic mo fos, joyful geeks–all are welcome here. :) Hope work lightens up a bit. :)

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  22. Jodi, thanks for this post. I only wash my hands after having a shit. When i pee, i do not, i mean, i am shaking hands with a man`s best friend, where could he have gone that is remotely gross that u do not know of?

    Reply

  23. Hilarious post! I can’t stand listening to people talk on their cell phones in A N Y public place. I would have gone through the roof in this situation, and am happy that I haven’t experienced one like it yet.

    P.S. Thanks so much for visiting my blog – am glad to “meet” you and look forward to reading your blog!

    Reply

    • Hi Amiable! How are you? I’m so happy that you liked my goofy post! I’m with you, the cell phone stuff drives me crazy. On the insanely rare occasion I’m on the phone in public, I talk super quietly. Who in hell wants to hear me babble into a phone? No one. Probably not even the person with whom I’m speaking! ;)

      It was my pleasure visiting your blog. :) It’s wonderful meeting you!! Have yourself a great weekend.

      Reply

  26. Very funny. Note: Donna Summer wrote the lyrics to “She Works Hard For The Money” on toilet paper, in a public bathroom (the lounge attendant, Onetta, had fallen asleep at the counter, and Donna thought, “She works hard for the money”). So, there you have it: a feminist anthem, written in a bathroom stall. What was it with Donna and public bathrooms? Paul Jabara cornered her in one until she agreed to record “Last Dance”. Perhaps this will inspire me to discuss men’s behavior at urinals: who is driving the better Mercedes? LMAO

    Reply

    • I loved Donna Summer!! I’m sure tons of good things come out of bathrooms (God, that sounds weird!) Lots of time to ponder the state of the world and be creative. While I support that wholeheartedly, I VETO cell phone use in a public john. Just wrong! “Last Dance” is one of my favorite DS songs. LOVE it! Takes me back to being 8 years old and disco dancing in my friend’s basement. :) If you write your urinal post, make sure to let me know!

      Reply

  27. Great, as always, BUT… even better would be the fiction version in which you totally let loose on Ms Tyson. I didn’t read all the comments, so sorry if that came up already.

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    • Why thank you, Sid!!! Believe me, I wished so much that I could have given you guys the version where my Bad Ass Self whoops some hide. I’d have loved to be a super hero for the day. But that girl was just TOO DAMN SCARY!!! If I was a good fiction writer (I am SO NOT) that could have been one hell of a fun story. :)

      Reply

  30. I had to comment on this because there’s a lady at work that is in the bathroom on her cell phone at least two days a week when I go in there. Then, she starts talking in a foreign language when the door creaks open. Whatever. I just make sure to flush at least twice :)

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  31. I think it’s very important that we start creating a purse size kit that includes a sound machine and air freshener ASAP. :) Your story is hilarious!

    Reply

  33. I just moved in with my boyfriend a week ago, and all I could think is how much his water bill is gonna go happen because I’m going to run the water every time I go to the bathroom. I’m glad it’s not just me who does that.

    Reply

  34. This was hilarious. I don’t appreciate chicks talking on the phone either, especially when … “If I leave the stall now, I’m going to have to beat her to death with her phone. I don’t wanna go to jail. Remain in the stall” cracked me up. Too bad she was a female Mike Tyson :)

    Reply

  35. I meant “I especially like it when…” I don’t know why I have to correct myself all the time when I visit your site. I think it’s because I’m laughing so hard I forget my thoughts :)

    Reply

  36. “God, please don’t let her think that awful olfactory nightmare is coming from me! (Horribly selfish thought, I know.)”

    LOL! This entire post was hilarious :)

    Reply

  37. haha, hilarious! :D That phone idiot is really an idiot! I love the way you share the things that lots of others out there might not share! I just simply love your posts! :)

    Reply

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