First be warned: This post is NOT for the faint at heart. If you are delicate, run screaming for the hills and do NOT read this. Okay, disclaimer done.
I gotta tell you, I’ve never in my life heard so many insane things within the span of one hour in my entire life. NEVER!! And I’m one of those people who other people tell everything to, but this adventure was sheer maddness!
After looking down at my toes (furry as they are) and shivering from their lack of pedicure-love, I realized I had two options: Get a pedicure or cut my feet off and dump them in a ditch. I opted for the least painful of the options.
I have a great place that gives amazing pedicures, so off I go. The place was packed. People everywhere. I finally got snuggled into my massage chair, put my feet in the warm, lavender-scented, bubbling water, put my spectacles on top of my head, closed my eyes, rolled off into a place of bliss, and then heard, “Damn, this flare up is the worst ever. I have to pee in a tub of warm water.” Ummm…okay. I’m sure the herps is just a horrible thing to have and God bless people who’ve been unlucky enough to get it, but must we hear about it at the pedicurist?? I mean, I have very little filter, but good grief! That is NO filter. At all. It wasn’t like she even whispered it. She was telling the pedicurist in a regular, conversational tone. I tried SO hard not to look over at her (or at her muff), which was incredibly difficult as my curiosity was KILLING me. If I was a cat, I’d be dead.
Alas, the story by no means ends there. In order for this to not be a 4000 word tome, I’m going to give you a list of things I was privy to while getting my feet buffed, waxed, scraped, razor-bladed, perfumed and painted.
From a guy across from me, talking to his pedicurist. Approximate age: 25.
- I’m not gay. I just like getting pedicures.
- (10 minutes later) I know I kinda look gay, but really I’m not.
- (30 seconds later) Well…except for that one time… but one time doesn’t make you gay. (No, I am not shitting you. I about spit the gum outta my mouth laughing.)
From a chick next to the guy, talking on the phone. Approximate age: 40.
- Yeah, it finally happened last night and it hurt like hell.
- I didn’t think he was ever going to get in there.
- Did someone sew me closed and not tell me?
- There was blood all over the place.
- Then I told him to get out.
I can only begin to imagine that she was discussing losing her virginity? She seemed a bit up in the years for that, but what in the hell else could it be? I love how she told him to “get out” afterwards. I guess he served his purpose! 
Good Lord…
From the chick next to me, on my right, talking to the chick she came in with. Approximate age: 30
- I am NEVER having a baby again. NEVER!
- That man has no idea what it’s done to my…(we’re going to pretend she said something ladylike, like “muff” or “hoo-ha”, alas, she did not.)
- I guess he’ll find out soon enough. Ha ha!
- I need to get back to my plastic surgeon. I can’t live my life like this. This sucks.
- Well, I already got my eyes, boobs, stomach and nose done. Why not there too? (Seriously, kill me. The picture in my head is more than I can bear!!
)
Needless to say, the next time I get a pedicure I’m either going to bring earplugs or a tape recorder. I’ve never heard so many genital-related conversations in my life! It was worse than a trip to the gyno!
Image (without text) procured from: http://fearfuldogs.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/woman-freaked.jpg
Haha! Sounds like someone tried anal!! :O
OOOOOHHHH!!! Maybe that was it! Oh my God, that NEVER even occurred to me. Holy God…the things people loudly talk about in public blow my mind.
Well, she said that she wondered if she got “sewn” up without anyone telling her. It might have just been a long time and now she had a “large” visitor…or the anal.
I want to DIE even thinking about it!!! You should have heard her tone of voice. I was about to pass out!!
Hahaha, I hear stuff like this and can’t wait to come home and blog about it! Hilarious btw…
I was DYING laughing!!! Total insanity!
the really funny part is Im betting they not ony talk about it in public but tweet it and post it on facebook !
No doubt!!! I sat there with my jaw on the floor the whole time. It was shocking!
Boundaries – we don’t need no stinking boundaries. Wow!
Wasn’t a boundary to be found ANYWHERE!!! It was a riot!
“What happens at the nail salon stays at the nail salon” It’s an old saying – well, it could be old – if I didn’t just make it up.
I think it should be tattooed on the forehead of every person at the salon. I love your new saying. Honestly, if they installed hidden cameras, they could blackmail everyone and get out of the manicure/pedicure business!
Now there’s a thought! Hey! Wanna open up a nail salon with me?
We’ll be rich!!!!
That is one tempting offer, young lady. Of course, then we have to touch people’s feet. EWWWW!!!
Haven’s you heard of gloves? You know, the ones they use for handling radioactive things or the ones CDC uses? I’m sure that will be fine. And if that fails, because I have to be honest and tell you that I wouldn’t know how to to a decent pedicure or manicure, we can just hire someone else to do it. I’ll be the front desk person and you can be the manager who walks around and asks it people are ok, if they need some water or vodka.
Now THAT is a gameplan!!!! I’m in. Where do I sign up?
I love the water vs vodka idea. We’d be rich in a month! 
I was thinking more like a week, but a month doesn’t sound too shabby either. We WILL be rich!
I’m in like Flynn!
Dang. Which nail place do you go to again? lol
No kidding, right? If you were an AZ person, I’d send you the address immediately!!
Does it have something with feet? You think it would relax people, right? Yeah, I was going to suggest your iPod or air plugs. You’re way ahead of me. Yucky! Must be starving for attention.
Honest to goodness. Maybe the pedicurist is the only captive audience they can get??? Who knows. I’ll tell ya though, it was fascinating from my perspective.
Wow, guess I’ll stay away from the pedicurist and stick with my gnarly, unkempt toenails
… just kidding… that’s gross… I don’t really have gnarly, unkempt toenails… no really… seriously…
Sure, sure, sure. Keep your hammer toes to yourself!
Whiskey – Tango – Foxtrot! The gay/not gay guy was the best… Getting a pedi no less. Can’t comment further. I can’t believe people act like that in public, thank God I married a lady.
The gay/not-gay guy was cracking me up!!! You should have seen him. He looked like a 90s boy band throwback. It was a riot! I wanted to go over to him and reassure him that it’s okay to be gay. Alas, I didn’t want to prematurely out him more than he’d outted himself.
Wow…just wow. This is yet ANOTHER short film idea. In fact, I might have to write something up. The gay/not gay guy is killing me!!! The herpes woman is scaring in the direction of getting into a relationship and out of the dating pool!!! The bleeding hostess is…uh…I don’t even know.
Feel like comin to Cali to shoot??
Oh my God, how fun would THAT be!?!?! Some of these could be GREAT film shorts!
My life, a comedy of horrors!!! 
The gay guy was AWESOME! I loved him. Yeah, from herpes, to homosexuality, to some kind of bloody sex to vaginal damage from childbirth? Good God have mercy. It was INSANITY!!! We could do a great skit. 
OMG!! I read this to my wife sitting near me, we were both shocked and laughing! Nasty people these days, they need to find some manners aye? Did they get that “weird” toe you mentioned in another post fixed up sweet? hehe…
My weird toe needs a toe transplant to ever not be weird again!
So glad to give you and the wifey a chuckle!
I was HORRIFIED!!! I mean, goodness knows I say just about everything that pops into my brain, but in the “real” world there is a time and place. Good grief. 
Never a dull moment, my friend. 
it keeps life interesting, right-o! Next trip to the repair-er of toes, do take a tape recorder, it would make dandy post material!
Seriously, if you could have heard their tones of voice, you’d have passed out laughing.
I think it’s hilarious that right after the gay guy was the anal comment, and then right after the anal woman mentioned getting sewn up, there was a woman who wanted to get something else sewn up. Like it was different aspects of the same conversation. Or any of the comments could have been said by any of the three people.
Oh my gosh, I hadn’t even thought of it in that way!! That’s hysterical!
It was truly one of the most humorous, insane experiences I’ve ever had while getting a pedicure! 
Nooooo, too funny. How tempting would it be to “share” something, anything. I have a friend who has related (privately) some great TMI stories (I’m waiting for the book, tv series) I could have cannabalised for the occasion… “you won’t believe what happened what he had on his…”
TMI stories are the best! They are just waiting for their time on Saturday Night Live. I bet I’d love your friend.
I’m telling you, real life is so much better than any imagination! 
These people were freaking nuts! 
It is so amazing that people believe it is okay to share these things with everyone. It does make for great humor though!
I was rather stunned too. But you know, I got to thinking. I once shared a story in a Denny’s at about 3:00am that was SO HORRIBLY inappropriate. I knew the people around were listening, but it was just too juicy not to tell. What on earth was I thinking??
You automatically get a stay because it was 3:00 A.M.! What you say in Denny’s at that time of the night/morning is probably going to be overheard by people who won’t remember it the next day any way.
I will take a stay any way I can get it!
Good point too. I’m guessing everyone was toasted at that time of night. 
Oh. My. God. Girl, you must NEVER enter a public restroom or a nail salon again. I’m sorry, but someone has to be the one to tell you that. (Another hilarious post!)
I KNOW!! RIGHT!!! I should be banned from all public places.
It would be better for the rest of the world. 
hahaha. Hilarious!
liked the one about the “confused guy”. lol
He was by far the funniest. The others were simply horrifying!!
this is quite horrifying and oddly enough..interesting. Lord what a fishbowl you plunged yourself into while getting a pedicure.
Who could have guessed that a simple pedicure could be so…interesting? Freaky? Horrifying? Entertaining? I’m like a freak magnet. Which I kinda actually like.
haaa all of the above and keep bringing it to us
You bet your butt! I gotta share stuff like this!
After laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants I had 2 wishes:
1) that I could handle people touching my feet so I could get a pedi (people touching my feet currently makes me wanna crawl outta my skin)
2) that I could have been there so you had someone to look at with the “are you f—ing hearing this??” face.
Oh, if only you’d been there as my partner in crime!! The fun we would have had!!!
I totally needed someone to gawp at with a WTF face!! 
As for your footie issues…you don’t like pedicures or foot massage? Oh my God. I’d give up sex for a one hour foot massage everyday. Okay, I wouldn’t give up sex. But it’d be a toss up! 
KIDDING! Does it tickle or just gross you out? Poor little tooties! 
Having my feet touched, for any reason, grosses me out. I know, such a bummer.
Total bummer. I could LIVE in a pedicure chair. I’m like that with spiders though. We can’t help what we hate!
Plug your ears for sanity, really eww… But then again you wouldn’t have had the post up for us to laugh / frown / scowl at, so … keep up with the visits, just minimise it
Yeah, it certain was fodder for entertainment, but it was equally as shocking!
I guess it was better than being bored, much better than being around mean people and a hell of a lot better than having my foot run over by a car. So, really, I can’t complain. 
Are you sure you weren’t being punked? Aston wasn’t sitting pretty on one of those massage chairs? Dear Lord–stay away from that place or sterilize your seat before you sit.
No kidding, right? That’s totally what it seemed like! How much craziness can there be in 100 square feet? Apparently, tons!
Oh, and I’ll be bringing handiwipes next time. 
Always a good read. Cheers! As a social worker, I am not sure how I would have reacted. At 46, In had my first pedicure, and I am most definitely Gay. Based on that experience, and after reading this, I am wondering if I could have a booth of my own. I could teach boundaries, and work with confused or curious men (they seem comfortable asking me just about anything, including how to be better for their female partners). I would also let guys know about the work of Dr. Joe Kort: http://www.joekort.com
P.S.: I ate a taco, today. Could I be straight?
Glad you enjoyed!
I think you should totally have your own booth! You’d make a fortune!! 
And yes, you are definitely straight! 
Tee hee hee…
Eww. The things you hear in a pedicurist is worse than that of a hairdresser. Fancy the woman talking about what a baby did to her badly packed kebab so loudly. Surely she must have realised that what she said would only have made her seem like a bitch.
That lady in particular was a nightmare!!!
I thought I was going to die keeping my mouth shut. NOT easy! 
Oh my gosh this is just to funny! I might have to wonder out and go get my first pedicure sometime in hopes of having a great laugh!
Oh, you have to go get one! Not only do they feel good, but are obviously a great source of information and entertainment.
Glad you enjoyed. 
I was thinking of getting a pedicure on my lunch. Now I’m not so sure I want to. Although I guess it does make good blog material.
Go!!!! Nothing like a crazy time during lunch to make the workday seem less horrific.
They’re obviously tactless voyeurs! Get a blog people, get a blog!
They should have blogs! Can you imagine? I’d totally read them!
Ahhhh yes, but would you “follow”? LOL
Hmmm…I’d follow but read their posts with one eye closed or with a therapist on stand-by!
LOL!
This made me laugh out loud. And it kind of makes me want to go get a pedicure, just in hopes of more incredulous laughs. Thanks.
So happy you enjoyed!!
It was a fiasco! 
Go get one. Even if it’s boring, it’ll still feel great!
Amazing, so many people with NO filters, all packed into one salon. This was too funny!!
It was like the short bus had dropped off all the people from the nut house for their monthly pedicure!!
It was a riot.
taking my innocent young daughter with me for a joint mani/pedi this Saturday. I doubt we’ll hear anything half as interesting….The place is kinda…you know. Lots of older matrons and only one manicurist. But my stylist does a rockin’ cut. (Not in my pic below– that’s ooooold)
Bring earplugs for your sweet, innocent daughter, just in case!
I hope you have a great mother/daughter outing. Those can be the best! 
Fantastic! The joy of beauty parlors! This post made me chuckle a lot and has inspired me too. I am often at places where I can’t help but ‘over hear’ what conversations people are having. I have often left places chuckling to myself, I will try to remember to share next time! Thank you.
I love the idea of helping inspire your, “You’ll NEVER believe what I heard at the salon” posts.
Honest to goodness, between the salon, Walmart and Starbucks, life is never boring! I’m happy you enjoyed it! 
Well at least the person next to you didn’t ask you if something looked contagious.
Ugh!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO! So disturbing. So very, very disturbing.
Whee don’t like piggy pedicures because whee pretend to be in agony before Mummy has even got the clippers. She sometimes gets the vet to do them but even there whee don’t overhear things like that.
Occassionally they mention an embarrassing problem and you find all the animals peeking out of their boxes to try to see who the unfortunate pet is!
Whee hope you get hoomans with less cringy problems next time. Though in a way we don’t because our Mummy loves reading your reactions to them!
Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo & Buddy
xxxx
Hi Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo & Buddy!
Our names are BooBoo, Princess, Moopy and Fuzzybutt and we agree with you. We didn’t (BooBoo and Princess) and don’t (Moopy and Fuzzybutt) like it when Mommy would come at us with clippers. We showed it by helping remove skin off Mommy’s arms. Apparently, she didn’t like that, so no more clippers for us!
Tell your Mummy that our Mommy likes her and the furries very much.
Sounds like the nail salon is the perfect place for someone who wants to write a sit-com to hang out for the day.
Seriously! I couldn’t make this stuff up. I’m not nearly that creative!!
I love how society has changed so that we perceive privacy in public places. People walk around with bluetooth headsets saying the damndest things and act like the people around them should stay out of there conversation. I guess “back in the day” everyone was wary of what they shouted out in public because word had a way of getting around in social circles or small towns. Now as cities get bigger and bigger there is that feeling of anonymity, like you are just a cog in the machine, and that you won’t ever see these other cogs again, and if you did what would it matter. As the sense of community fades, our filters falter because no one will call us out when we are only doing (or saying) moderately stupid things.
Preach on, sister!!! I grew up in a small town and the worst thing in the world was to be on the grapevine. No one seems to mind so much anymore. It’s like everyone is an exhibitionist!
At least it makes for entertaining blogging. 
Jeez, I was somehow ( because I’m stupid!) locked out of my “blogs you follow” for two days and came back to this! Holy non filter!
Not stupid. Just “challenged.” KIDDING!!!
Glad you are back, my dear! And glad to horrify you with my filterless freaks. 
One word. Whoa.
Ha ha!!! I love leaving people speechless with the insanity of my blog.
Thanks so much for dropping by!
haha, this is funny! Totally cracked me up!
Glad you enjoyed!!! I love making you giggle.
I’ve never gotten a pedicure (because I’m not gay except for that one time….) but it sounds like I should just for the sheer entertainment value.
DYING laughing!
You should go!! It’s insane the crap you’ll overhear. Especially if you go on a late Saturday afternoon where all the girls are getting ready for date night. Good lord have mercy!! 
Ok, I am so laughing out loud at this! The other day I was having my nails done and my manicurist (a young gay male) starting talking about his desire for a pro basketball player! ANY pro ball player at that and how he just wanted to have one cause they were this and that and had money and on and on and on. It was the craziest conversation! I finally asked him what his boyfriend thought of that and he said, “Oh girl, he’s fine with it. He knows I’d still take care of him!” Now I am thinking that before I sit down at the salon, I need to sanitize the chair with the kinds of conversations you heard! Ewww…..oh and I am so one of those “you are not touching my feet” kinda girls!
You crack me up too!!! The conversation you overheard would have had me in stitches! I love that you asked him what his boyfriend would say. That is awesome!
Like you, I am bringing Lysol to my next pedicure. I’m gonna spray down EVERYTHING! 
I do have a quick question…how do you go through life without pedicures??? I LOVE it when people touch my feet. If I could pay more to sit there for HOURS and have them play with my feet, I so would!!
Are you ticklish? Or do you just find it gross? I think we need immersion therapy for you so you can become a pedicure lover. 
How do I go through life without pedicures??? BAHAHAHA……while I am ticklish, that really is not the reason. I just don’t really like the idea of someone else messing with my feet, trimming my toenails, etc. I mean what if I have icky toenails from hell that the techs talk about after I leave? You KNOW they talk about gnarly feet! I trim my own nails and NEVER leave the house with unpainted toenails. Period.
You crack me up!!!! Trust me, pedicurists have seen it ALL!! I’ve no doubt that your feet are better than 90% of the feet they see.
Though the idea of them saying, after you’ve left, “OMG! Did you see those hooves!? How can that girl go in public with feet like that?” makes me giggle myself silly. 
Very funny stuff! I’m faint of heart and I’m glad I didn’t run away screaming!
By the way, hope you’re feeling better!
Awww…a faint of heart girl. I’m glad I didn’t send you running away either!!
Thanks for the well-wishes! They worked!
OMG you luck out on the that day with a lot of people speaking without filters. I’ve had not for public consumption conversation in public, but damn these put their shit all on blast. Perhaps that lady was anal virgin cause I am pretty sure that even 13 year olds know that your first time hurts and if you know this why the hell would she be surprised and upset, but if she was new to anal and she or he didn’t prep the area or lub up enough shit could get real for her real FN quick. Totally would have been kick out worthy if that happened.
I’m thinking you hit the nail on the head. She couldn’t have been a virgin-virgin. She was WAY too old. Good grief, the things I am forced to listen to!