I gotta tell you, I’ve never in my life heard so many insane things within the span of one hour in my entire life. NEVER!! And I’m one of those people who other people tell everything to, but this adventure was sheer maddness!
After looking down at my toes (furry as they are) and shivering from their lack of pedicure-love, I realized I had two options: Get a pedicure or cut my feet off and dump them in a ditch. I opted for the least painful of the options.
I have a great place that gives amazing pedicures, so off I go. The place was packed. People everywhere. I finally got snuggled into my massage chair, put my feet in the warm, lavender-scented, bubbling water, put my spectacles on top of my head, closed my eyes, rolled off into a place of bliss, and then heard, “Damn, this flare up is the worst ever. I have to pee in a tub of warm water.” Ummm…okay. I’m sure the herps is just a horrible thing to have and God bless people who’ve been unlucky enough to get it, but must we hear about it at the pedicurist?? I mean, I have very little filter, but good grief! That is NO filter. At all. It wasn’t like she even whispered it. She was telling the pedicurist in a regular, conversational tone. I tried SO hard not to look over at her (or at her muff), which was incredibly difficult as my curiosity was KILLING me. If I was a cat, I’d be dead.
Alas, the story by no means ends there. In order for this to not be a 4000 word tome, I’m going to give you a list of things I was privy to while getting my feet buffed, waxed, scraped, razor-bladed, perfumed and painted.
From a guy across from me, talking to his pedicurist. Approximate age: 25.
- I’m not gay. I just like getting pedicures.
- (10 minutes later) I know I kinda look gay, but really I’m not.
- (30 seconds later) Well…except for that one time… but one time doesn’t make you gay. (No, I am not shitting you. I about spit the gum outta my mouth laughing.)
From a chick next to the guy, talking on the phone. Approximate age: 40.
- Yeah, it finally happened last night and it hurt like hell.
- I didn’t think he was ever going to get in there.
- Did someone sew me closed and not tell me?
- There was blood all over the place.
- Then I told him to get out.
I can only begin to imagine that she was discussing losing her virginity? She seemed a bit up in the years for that, but what in the hell else could it be? I love how she told him to “get out” afterwards. I guess he served his purpose! Good Lord…
From the chick next to me, on my right, talking to the chick she came in with. Approximate age: 30
- I am NEVER having a baby again. NEVER!
- That man has no idea what it’s done to my…(we’re going to pretend she said something ladylike, like “muff” or “hoo-ha”, alas, she did not.)
- I guess he’ll find out soon enough. Ha ha!
- I need to get back to my plastic surgeon. I can’t live my life like this. This sucks.
- Well, I already got my eyes, boobs, stomach and nose done. Why not there too? (Seriously, kill me. The picture in my head is more than I can bear!! )
Needless to say, the next time I get a pedicure I’m either going to bring earplugs or a tape recorder. I’ve never heard so many genital-related conversations in my life! It was worse than a trip to the gyno!
Image (without text) procured from: http://fearfuldogs.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/woman-freaked.jpg