You guys all know that I’m a 3 year old when it comes to teddy bears. They are ALL teddies even if they are mice or snakes or bunnies or kitties or otters or…well, you get the point. I LOVE them! Some of my teddies I’ve had since I was a baby. My Pink Teddy and I have slept together every night for 36 years. She is one drool-colored, mite-covered, sandbag-feeling teddy, but I love her so much!!!
So, I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that I have a car teddy. I won him in one of those claw machines. I so kick ass at those things!!! But he’s not ghetto-teddy looking. He’s actually quite soft and fuzzy and cute, as you can see.
Unlike most of my teddies (except the bed teddies–poor things), car teddy has seen things that NO one should see, especially an innocent little teddy bear.
Here is just a partial list of the wild experiences he’s suffered through:
- I once had a girlfriend who loved to get trashed and then hump in the backseat of my car. Every horrifying guy in Phoenix has banged her in it. EWWWW!!! Well, as you can see by car teddy’s strapped-in location, he was unable to avoid being squished by naked asses and other body parts. Yes, he’s been washed. But don’t think I didn’t feel bad drowning him in the washing machine for an hour. That cannot be fun for a little teddy.
- I once had another girlfriend who loved to get trashed and then throw up everywhere. As I am always the designated driver, poor little car teddy was on the receiving end of her exorcist-like vomit on more than one occasion. Off to the washing machine he again went! Poor little guy.
- I once had a girlfriend who was a raging pervert (shocking, I know.) She thought it would be funny to devirginize teddy, so she put one of his paws in her panties. Not only did teddy get a trip to the bath for that, he was dipped in lye, flea-repellent, acid, lice-remover and 3 antibiotics.
- I once had a child in my car. I don’t have kids so this is a rare occurrence, but nonetheless, said child yanked car teddy out of his seat belt with that freakish kid strength, stuck one paw in it’s drooly mouth and chewed on him for a while. Then stuffed teddy under its butt. The wee one was potty training (not very successfully) and peed all over car teddy. I guess I should be glad it was just pee. Yep, you guessed it, off to the bucket of acid again.
- I once had a friend (asshat) who thought it would be fun to see car teddy fly. He opened the window and hung him out. Of course, he “accidentally” let go and the poor little furry thing kissed the concrete of the highway. My reaction to this was: “You fuck! GET OUT NOW and go get him!!!” His response, “It’s rush hour! Are you insane?” My response, “Get the fuck out NOW and get that bear or I will run your sorry ass over with my car.” His response, “Yep. You got it.” Apparently, he could see I wasn’t kidding.
While car teddy may appear fairly well off for a teddy who’s endured so much, know that his bow is new and that helps A LOT! It distracts from the rest of his scraggly, scruffy, bodily-fluid covered countenance.
And so ya know, I just read this post to car teddy before publishing it and he wasn’t very happy that I’d shared all of his misadventures. I’m pretty sure he’s pissed. I’ll have to add publicly humiliating him to the list of offenses against him.