The Misadventures of Car Teddy

Car Teddy says, “Hi everyone! Nice to meet’cha!”

You guys all know that I’m a 3 year old when it comes to teddy bears. They are ALL teddies even if they are mice or snakes or bunnies or kitties or otters or…well, you get the point. I LOVE them! Some of my teddies I’ve had since I was a baby. My Pink Teddy and I have slept together every night for 36 years. She is one drool-colored, mite-covered, sandbag-feeling teddy, but I love her so much!!!

So, I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that I have a car teddy. I won him in one of those claw machines. I so kick ass at those things!!! But he’s not ghetto-teddy looking. He’s actually quite soft and fuzzy and cute, as you can see.

Unlike most of my teddies (except the bed teddies–poor things), car teddy has seen things that NO one should see, especially an innocent little teddy bear.

Here is just a partial list of the wild experiences he’s suffered through:

  1. I once had a girlfriend who loved to get trashed and then hump in the backseat of my car. Every horrifying guy in Phoenix has banged her in it. EWWWW!!! Well, as you can see by car teddy’s strapped-in location, he was unable to avoid being squished by naked asses and other body parts. Yes, he’s been washed. But don’t think I didn’t feel bad drowning him in the washing machine for an hour. That cannot be fun for a little teddy.
  2. I once had another girlfriend who loved to get trashed and then throw up everywhere. As I am always the designated driver, poor little car teddy was on the receiving end of her exorcist-like vomit on more than one occasion. Off to the washing machine he again went! Poor little guy.
  3. I once had a girlfriend who was a raging pervert (shocking, I know.) She thought it would be funny to devirginize teddy, so she put one of his paws in her panties. Not only did teddy get a trip to the bath for that, he was dipped in lye, flea-repellent, acid, lice-remover and 3 antibiotics.
  4. I once had a child in my car. I don’t have kids so this is a rare occurrence, but nonetheless, said child yanked car teddy out of his seat belt with that freakish kid strength, stuck one paw in it’s drooly mouth and chewed on him for a while. Then stuffed teddy under its butt. The wee one was potty training (not very successfully) and peed all over car teddy. I guess I should be glad it was just pee. Yep, you guessed it, off to the bucket of acid again.
  5. I once had a friend (asshat) who thought it would be fun to see car teddy fly. He opened the window and hung him out. Of course, he “accidentally” let go and the poor little furry thing kissed the concrete of the highway. My reaction to this was: “You fuck! GET OUT NOW and go get him!!!”  His response, “It’s rush hour! Are you insane?” My response, “Get the fuck out NOW and get that bear or I will run your sorry ass over with my car.” His response, “Yep. You got it.” Apparently, he could see I wasn’t kidding. ;)

Enough with the camera, Mommy.
ENOUGH I SAY!!!

While car teddy may appear fairly well off for a teddy who’s endured so much, know that his bow is new and that helps A LOT! It distracts from the rest of his scraggly, scruffy, bodily-fluid covered countenance.

And  so ya know, I just read this post to car teddy before publishing it and he wasn’t very happy that I’d shared all of his misadventures. I’m pretty sure he’s pissed. I’ll have to add publicly humiliating him to the list of offenses against him. ;)

52 comments on “The Misadventures of Car Teddy

  1. Poor Car Teddy. I notice though, you missed your naughty stories he saw haha.

    Seriously though, I agree with John, maybe you should write a book “The Misadventures of Car Teddy” ;-)

  2. Whee have missed you Miss Jodi!
    *enthusiastic welcome back hug*

    Whee have two teddies. A beanie baby called Squirrel Nutkin, who was Nutty’s friend when he was very little and missing his Mummy, and a purple teddy with no name. Purple teddy is more of a faded lilac now but loved by all of us. There iz no shame in having a teddy to cuddle.in fact whee may do a post about our teddies. You have inspied us!

    Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo & Buddy
    xxxx

  3. Now I want a car teddy do you think it would be ok if I go and get one of the many teddies that is in my spare room also know as teddy room and put him in my car and keep him their from this day forth or woul you be offened that I took your idea and used it for myself………….

    Now your car teddy has had an interesting and exciting life………………

    • Car teddies rule! You should definitely have a car teddy! As a matter of fact, you should grab 2 of them so that car teddy doesn’t get lonely. One medium sized one and one mini-teddy for his lap. That way, they’ll have each other to talk to when they are freezing or sweating in the car! ;)

      Jo-Anne–I have a teddy room too!!! I love having a teddy room and I’m so glad I’m not the only one who has one. We have teddy room teddies. Bed teddies. Sofa teddies. Etc… :)

  4. You’re hilarious! But omg, I feel SOOO bad for car teddy. I love stuffed animals too. I can’t stand when people grab them by an ear or a hand and swing them around, let alone all the things your poor teddy had to go through! Traumatizing. Lol.

    • I know! I feel bad for his furry little self too!!! I also hate it when people treat teddies badly. I was watching an episode of America’s Next Top Model and these TOTAL bitches yanked the head off of some girl’s teddy that she’d had her whole life. I gotta tell you, I’m not violent and have never instigated any kind of physical altercation in my life, but I’d have grabbed a hammer and had at it!!! Poor teddy!!! I personify the little guys and love them as though they could talk back. Teddies rule!

      • Aww, that’s awful, top model bitches! Teddies (and other stuffed animals) do rule! :) If growing up means getting rid of my animals, then I just won’t grow up!

      • Total bitches!! Who would hurt a teddy??? :) I’m there with you. I will remain young (at least at heart) forever!!! I can’t imagine life without teddies. My hubby and I make them talk to each other and we play with them. He gives them all different voices. It’s adorableness at its finest! :)

    • Honest to goodness! I once came out to the car and there was a noose hanging loosely around his neck. I wondered where it came from. I’m guessing a suicidal impulse after all the shenanigans he’s endured! ;)

    • Lemme tell ya, Pickles, the car could tell stories that would land me in jail!!! I’d be in much trouble if I ever let the car or the teddy near a laptop! I’d be in prison orange within a week. :)

  5. Oh dear, my teddies, cover your eyes and don’t read this! My teddies quickly avert eyes behind fuzzy paws…peeking out when my back is turned.

    I must say I’d do the same thing if someone let any of my teddies fall out the window of a moving car.

    My little travel teddy sees a lot. He comes home to fill in the other bears about his experiences. Once he even got to go for a ride in a Lancaster bomber but he has never been defiled quite like your poor defenceless teddy!

    • When my teddy flew out the window, “Bad Jodi” emerged!!! I almost never (believe it or not) cuss AT someone or call people names when I’m mad. I cuss a lot while being playful, but not normally in anger. But my head popped off! Who would toss a sweet teddy out of a car window at 75 mph?

      I love that your travel teddy shares his stories with the rest of your teddy family. I’ll have a teddy bear book coming out possibly next year that is about some crazy teddy adventures. Nothing as cool as a Lancaster bomber (which is AWESOME) but some fun times nonetheless.

      Kiss all your teddies for me and tell them that Aunt Jodi loves them from afar! :)

      • I better start kissing them now…it might take a while to kiss them all. I have quite a few of the little darlings. My travel teddy, Gap, is a pretty privileged teddy. He has even been to Newschwanstein Castle in Germany. He shares all my travel adventures and mishaps…

      • We are teddy bear kindred spirits!!! I’m the same way. I have TONS of them!!! They each have a name and at least one “partner” to keep them company! I love that you and I both have a travel teddy that gets to see the world! ;) Teddies RULE!

      • Just came to me… perhaps car teddy should come for a visit to Aunt Lisa for a bit of rest and rehab! I knew my Psych degree would come in handy one day…

      • I have NO doubt he’d enjoy the break from all the insanity!!! Aunt Lisa would keep puking, humping dirty people away from him!! :) Teddy Rehab is just what he needs. :)

  6. Car Teddy has my apologies for how human beings have treat the poor guy. Your friend that violated Car Teddy is freaky in the extreme…did you look at her and flip out cause damn man if she wants to fool around with her teddies that her own business, but why oh why she gotta get all up on yours.

    I hope you gave her a talking to on the etiquette and decorum one must have around teddies cause that sure ain’t it…although I am sure that some where out there in the big wide world there is some one who is happily married to a Teddy Bear and is gonna be on some documentary. I just know it :)

    • I know!!! Who puts a teddy paw on their muff??? WRONG!!!! I did recently read an article about a guy who got arrested after his 4th sex adventure with a teddy in public. DISTURBING!!! People are FREAKS! ;)

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