ADULT EYES ONLY! DO NOT READ THIS GRAMMAR RANT! I’m soooo not kidding. Unless you worship horribly foul 4-letter words, do not read this. It is wonderfulLY offensive and I love it, buy you should cover your eyes.

Now, I ain’t gonna want no guff here people if this offends you. I’ve warned you that you should not read this. You should smash your computer with a hammer before reading this. It is horribLY foul, chocked full of words more offensive than the F-word. It is so bad that no one should read it and the person who wrote it should be set on fire. Alas, I LOVE IT! But I don’t offend easiLY, so that’s not much of a surprise.

ShockingLY enough, my sister sent this to me about a year ago. I’ve debated putting it here but I just have to. I’m compelled. I cannot resist. :)

If you dislike bad grammar and you love a well-placed expletive, then you’ll probabLY enjoy this. If you don’t like those things, DO NOT READ IT!! ;)

(Okay, I just Previewed the post before publishing it and it REALLY is bad!! Just giving you fair warning.)

Scroll way down to see the graphic. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love ranting yes I do, doo dah, doo dah. I love ranting yes I do, all the doo dah day!

I’m hoping you sang along with me as you read the title of this blog. I think a old timey, out of tune song now and again is a good thing. Of course, my cats ran away shrieking at the sound of my rather off key voice! BRATS! No more food for them, ungrateful mongrels!

So, while I indulged my brain in a nice computer-free vacation, I got to relax around the TV set. I hate to admit it, but I do love my boob tube. Man, were there a lot of boobs to look at (both boob-boobs and intellectual boobs).

While lazing about the house and putting a permanent ass-dent in the sofa I noticed a few rather irksome things in my trash TV. Things that got my editor brain aching with pain. Things that got my innate dislike of The Man all riled up. So, I thought I’d share.

Here are two things that made me pause the TV every time they happened (constantly) and say to my husband, “What the fuck? People are stupid and corporations can eat me. Ugh!” He’d chuckle, pat my head, and turn right back to his video games. He’s so patient. ;)

ONE: What ever happened to the “LY” on the end of an adverb? Did I miss a memo that said that people no longer had to use LY? Is it sooooo difficult and time consuming to speak with even a modicum of intelligence anymore? Apparently, the answer to that question is yes. Now, don’t get me wrong–I have typos sometimes. I’m sure I say things incorrectly. I’m no saint and even might be a slight hypocrite, but if you are going to be on TV can you at least attempt to speak somewhat properly?

Here are some examples:

  1. “Wow, you performed beautiful.”  Doesn’t that just sound wrong coming out of your mouth? Doesn’t your brain register that something is missing?
  2. “You did that careful.” NO! He did it carefulLY!
  3. “I waited patient. He took forever.” No You Di’int. (Typo intentional. ;) )
  4. “He spoke so arrogant.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t use big words if you don’t know how to use them proper.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My internet connection just went down and I lost the last half of this damn post. SHIIIIIIIIT POOP ASSFACE %$#^$%%!!! This sucks!!!!  Someone please find the owner of Cox and kill him. Please? Well dang. It took forever to write and now it’s gone. Okay, it’s never as good the second time I write something, so expect this to suck. ;)

TWO: As if television shows aren’t challenged enough in maintaining my suspension of disbelief, do they really not think it completely goes away when they insert a commercial into the script of a show? I’m not talking about regular commercials. I mean actually written into the script. Argh! The moment they do it, I’m no longer involved in the story because they are rudely (LOOK! an LY!) reminding me that the entire purpose of the TV show is not to entertain, but to make money. I know that in part of my brain, but I like to at least have them fake it for me by not shoving products down my throat with scripted dialog.

  1. Rizzoli and Isles, corpse cutter interacting with meddling mom. The mom is about to wear high heels for the first time in years and the friendly body chopper has the solution to her impending foot pain. “I have a solution for you. Use these Dr. Sholl’s shoe inserts. You’ll be able to wear you shoes all day and be comfortable. Dr. Sholl’s make your feet happy.”
  2. 90210 (SHUT IT! I know…I should be ashamed.) Pretty blonde girl talking to pretty brunette girl as they get ready to go out on the town. Pretty brunette girl, “Wow, you always look so great.” Pretty blonde girl, “I know. It’s because I use Rimmel mascara. It makes my lashes long and lush and my legs pliable and gappy. You should go buy some. Rimmel is amazing.”
  3. Bones, yet another corpse cutter (do I have a thing for corpses??) talking with Mr. Tough Guy FBI Dude. They are driving somewhere in the car and she’s concerned about finding the location. Luckily for them, they have… “This great GPS system that will help us find any location. With my in-dash TomTom, we can get anywhere quickly and easily. TomTom even gives blowjobs, so I no longer need you. Now GET OUT!”

Okay, so there was some SLIGHT embellishment there, but you get the point. As soon as one of those in-script commercials happens, it take me 5 minutes to get back into the show. Now, I understand that with the invention of the DVR that we are no longer forced to watch regular commercials which compel us to eat McDonalds (mmmm…fillet o’fish!), suck on Dilly Bars (mmmmm…ice milk…), buy fancy cars (mmmmm…Hyundai. Oh, that one’s not so great), or go on those dream vacations we cannot afford (vacation? yeah, right). But to actually write them into the script? C’mon people!

We’ve all endured product placement for decades and decades. All you have to do is watch last week’s True Blood to see a group of illiterate murders sitting around a HUGE 12 pack of Old Milwaukee (seriously? Old Milwaukee?) prominently displayed on an end table to know that some CEO at “Flat Piss Beers R US” paid a million dollars to hawk his wares at us. And that’s bad enough. But do I need to see one of our IQ-challenged murderers pick up the 12 pack and say directly into the camera, “Drink Old Milwaukee. Chicks will give you hummers if you do. And it cures male patterned baldness too.” No. I don’t not need to see that. At least TB didn’t stoop that low.

Well, that’s my rant. I had a really good concluding paragraph earlier before my Internet crashed and since I just cannot come up with anything half as witty as what I had written before I’m not even going to try. ;)

Oh, I AM going to post a HORRIBLY (see, LY again!) inappropriate picture to go along with the first part of this post. I mean, it has language in it that make the F-word look like child’s play. It is AWFUL and you should NOT read it if you don’t like terrible cuss words. I mean it. Don’t give me any guff for this picture because I know it’s foul. My sister sent it to me a while back (she’s a language freak like I am) and I laughed until I thought I’d die. But I like horrible language, especially when it’s done in a clever fashion, so prepare yourselves before you read it. I’m not going to put it in this post because I want to put a HUGE warning in the title so innocent people don’t read it and get all offended. But I sure hope you guys like it! ;) Peace out.

I’m BAAAAAACK! Run for your lives! Hide your children!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Miss Sass Mouth has returned! And she’s refreshed and feels like a human again! :) Yay! Whew, a few weeks away from a computer equals about a month in Hawaii. :)

Just so you know, all of your sweet comments, emails and tweets made my day! I can’t tell you how much I’ve appreciated all the love and support. I would hug each and every one of you if I could. Well, maybe not ALL of you… :) KIDDING!

Since I’m easing my way back in to being sociable again, I’m going to keep this post more visual than word laden.

My wonderful hubby often sends me adorable pictures of Tick Teddy when he’s on the road (this is our travel teddy that always goes with him on the road and always gets into trouble–think hookers and booze). This time though, he forgot Tick Teddy so I got this picture instead. Ha!

Apparently, the tree is happy to see me.

 

I have laryngitis…of the fingers? What?

This is NOT the face I wanna see in the mirror! ;)

I didn’t even know this was possible! Laryngitis of the fingers? Who ever heard of such a thing?

Well, me. That’s who’s heard of it. :)

I’m going to take a little vacation for a week or two and rest my little brain. The demands of the day job, coupled with all the rest of the insanity has me a bit brain fried. Since my brain has become the kind of mush that I’m sure my cats would love to gnaw on, I think it needs some time to heal. Then I can revert back to my snarky, cussing, sassy ways and feel like a human again. Plus, with 18 hour a day work schedule, my cookbook is not getting written. Eee gawds, no! MUST. FINISH. BOOK.

So, my lovely, wonderful peeps, I will be back soon. I just need to get a little rest. And I’ll be out of town on business all next week anyway and wouldn’t have had much access to the craziness that fuels me anyway.

Much love to you guys and I’ll see you in a couple of weeks. I promise to have at least one ridiculously naughty/crazy/whack-a-do story for you when I return.

XOXOXOXOXO

What a complete crock of sh*t! Dish Network can suck it!

I love it when big corporations just screw you blind in uncomfortable places and then ask you for a tip. ASSHATS!!!

I got an email today from Dish Network that was not particularly clear, so I stupidly thought I’d start a chat with their customer service. I should know better than to do such an idiotic thing.

This is how it went:

Chat

Moises: Hi, my name is Moises. How may I help you?
Jodi Ambrose: Hi Moises. I just received this email from Dish:
Jodi Ambrose:

Dear Jodi,

DISH will make sure you can still watch Breaking Bad, Hell on Wheels, and The Walking Dead. We have some very rewarding offers in place. Find out how to enjoy your shows on Amazon® and iTunes® on your computer or by streaming through your Xbox®, PlayStation®, Apple TV® or Roku®. Call today at 1-888-581-1972 to learn more. Thanks for being a valued DISH customer.

Jodi Ambrose: Does this mean that AMC will no longer be provide through my regular Dish service?
Moises: I’ll be more than willing to assist you with your concern.
Jodi Ambrose: Thank you
Moises: For security purposes, would you please verify the 4 digit Security Code on the account?
Jodi Ambrose: xxxx
Moises: For security purposes, would you please verify the last four digits of the Social Security Number on the account?
Jodi Ambrose: xxxx
Moises: Thank you. How are you today?
Jodi Ambrose: Fine
Jodi Ambrose: thanks
Moises: That’s nice to know.
Jodi Ambrose: All I need to know is if AMC will no longer be provided through my regular dish network service
Moises: DISH is committed to fighting on your behalf to provide you with the best programming and the lowest possible price. The channels AMC Networks forces us to deliver — WE, IFC and AMC — do not give our customers the best content at the best value. We have permanently removed them from the DISH line up as of June 30. We are open to a creative proposal from AMC Networks that would resolve this situation, but at this point it looks like the channels will be down permanently.
Jodi Ambrose: Based on the email that Dish sent, there are still ways we can view AMC. Do those options come through Dish Network or are they through other venders like Amazon, Roku, etc…
Moises: You can view that through your amazon and itunes.
Jodi Ambrose: At an additional cost, I imagine?
Moises: Not all. (Note what a HUGE LIE this is in the next few interactions.)
Jodi Ambrose: How will we view those shows through other outlets for free? Whenever I watch TV through Amazon, I have to pay 1.99 per episode.
Moises: AMC Networks has further devalued its programming by making its handful of popular shows available to consumers via iTunes, Netflix and Amazon.com. This means that AMC Networks wants us to pay many millions of dollars for content that is available to our subscribers the next day for just a couple of dollars.
Jodi Ambrose: So I will have to pay to watch these shows if I watch them on Amazon, itunes, etc…
Moises: Not all have of the episodes. (Wha? This makes no sense. I guess when not copying and pasting pre-written answers, the CSRs can’t formulate sentences on their own.)
Moises: Only some of the episodes that has a charge.
Jodi Ambrose: Moises, I need you to be straight with me here. If I watch current AMC shows, which used to be included in my Dish Network package, thorough Amazon or another tv streaming outlet, I will now have to pay to view the shows. Please just give me a yes or no answer for clarity’s sake.
Moises: Not all of the shows have a charge. You will be prompted if there is charge on the show that you would like to view.
Jodi Ambrose: Do you know if Breaking Bad and Walking Dead have a charge?
Moises: I am not sure, but it is with itunes.
Jodi Ambrose: Okay, thank you. Please let whoever at dish network know that it’s a shame that you are removing programming from us, and yet still charging the same monthly prices and forcing us to pay money to another company for products that we used to get from you. I will now have to pay approximately $60 more a season to watch two shows that I used to have in my dish programming. What a ridiculous thing for dish network to do to its loyal customers.
Moises: Feel free to share your thoughts and concerns by e-mailing us at president@dish.com. We assure you that we will read every e-mail we receive.
Moises: Would there be anything else that I can assist you with?
Jodi Ambrose: Thanks for the email information. Have a wonderful day, Moises.

I’m telling you, things like this make me wanna sell almost everything I own and go live in a cabin in the woods taking pictures of furry critters for the rest of my days. It’s not that $60 is going to kill me. It’s that Dish Network is so sneaky and lying about it.

I know that Customer Service Reps have it difficult, I know it’s not their fault, and I don’t envy them their jobs, but I sure wish Dish would give them a better script to unload on us. Just tell me this, “Hey Jodi, we wanna make more money than we do now and we’re going to do that by reducing your services but not your monthly fees. We would like our executives and share holders to be able to buy that extra 10 feet of yacht. How do you expect them to survive with only 50 foot yachts? They might as well live in government housing. Poor bastards.”

Well, here’s my thought: KISS MY ASS!!! Or, in a gentler tone, “Kiss my grits!” (Those of you who are old as dirt like me will know what that is from!) :)