Awesome Magazine Interview with ME! Yes, I paid him a million dollars to do it.

KIDDING!!!

I was blessed enough to have an interview on the radio with Cyrus Webb. He’s fantastic and he also has a magazine. He recently published an interview with me in his magazine in the Books are Sexy section. Woo hoo!

I just wanted to pass it along as I’m so excited and thankful that he would include me in his magazine. :)

Check it out here: Conversations Magazine

My Dad was an Awesomely Adorable Perv

Okay, I fully realize that is a weird title. :) But it’s actually more innocent than it appears to be.

I’ve never been one of those people who thinks that parents shouldn’t have sex. I know that my mom is first a woman, then a mom. And while I was young when my dad died, as I grew up I realized that he and mom must have had sex in order for my sister and I to exist–and that never grossed me out. I guess stuff like that just isn’t icky to me.

So, as I’m putting the finishing touches on the new cookbook (due out at the end of October–woo hoo!) my mom brings over a family recipe book for me to nab a few of her best recipes. In the little book was a note from my dad that is at least 32 years old. I totally believe in saving every love note I’ve ever received and apparently my mom believes the same. I’m glad she’s like that because it’s precious to me being able to see my daddy’s handwriting.

Then, I read the note.

My mom giggled and said, “Oh, that’s from your father.”

Ummm…Dad’s name was Buck. Or formally, Charles William. But never George.

My mom said, with a coquettish grin, “…ummm…well…part of him was named George.”

It took me a moment, then I busted out laughing. My dad wrote my mom love notes and signed them with the name of his man-part. Good Lord have mercy!!

I absolutely love that he did that. I love that my mom saved it all these years. And I love that I was able to see it. Bearing witness to his sweetness, love (and perviness) over 3 decades after his passing helps make him real to me again.

Love you Daddy!

Monty Python? A Girl’s Greatest Lie?

Okay, ladies. I have a question for you. Don’t feel left out, gentlemen–I have one for you too.

I have sat through many a Monty Python in my life. MANY. With a whole host of men over the years. Yes, the cheese shop one was funny. The dead bird one made me laugh. That one song about men being glad they have a penis? Yeah, that’s funny too. But that is THREE FRIGGIN’ SKITS OUT OF A MILLION! Every time I’ve ever started dating a guy, within the first few months I always end up suffering through Life of Brian or some other Python thing. Not that those guys aren’t talented–I’m not questioning that. But, I freaking hate those movies. HATE them! Now that I’m old and don’t give a shit what anyone thinks, I refuse to sit through them anymore so that I seem like “The Cool Girl.” I simply refuse.

My thought is that women suffer through Monty Python to bond with their man, not out of an undying love for it. This came up the other day with the hubby and he was horrified that I’d ever say such a thing. After all, isn’t Monty Python the funniest thing on planet earth?

While I realize the answers to these questions may be different for people in the UK (yes, Mondrak, YOU!) I have to know these things:

  1. Ladies, do you really really like Monty Python or have you suffered in silence while your man passes out with laughter?
  2. Gentlemen, what makes you love MP so much???? WHAT??? I NEED TO KNOW.

I know what I’m hoping the ladies’ answers are because I want to say, “Ha ha, told you so!” to the hubby (kidding, I wouldn’t be THAT awful–well…).

Help me understand if I am just missing something, am a complete dullard, or if I’m just one of many women who suffer through it while praying all the while that either Jesus will come back or an asteroid will land on my house. :)

It’s Not Nice to Make an Old Battleaxe Cry! Dammit People!

I am going to put each and every one of you over my knee! Yep, you need to do like I used to do when I was a kid and try and find a pillow you can strap to your ass because I’M COMIN’ FOR YA!

Okay, I’m not actually going to spank anyone (for free, at least), but you need to know how much all of these lovely awards mean to me. That you guys would take the time to include me just gives me the warm fuzzies. I appreciate you all so very, very much!!!

Something that has not changed about me–ever, is that I’m terrible at following the rules. So, I’m quite positive that my post will not meet all of the award requirements, but here they are for those that I’m sending the awards to:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their site.
  2. Nominate other people (you choose how many–whatever makes you happy).
  3. Write some bad ass things about yourself.

I think those are all the rules, though I’m quite sure I screwed them up.

I’ve mentioned this before but I wanna say it again: I nominate all kinds of people. Sometimes, I even disagree with what they have to say, but that’s the great thing about blogging: everyone has a voice. I simply love that!! :)

Here are the amazing blessings given to me in the last couple of months by some seriously incredible people who you should immediately follow and love like I do:

The Illuminating Blogger Award, by Phoenix Book Room (I’m sooooooooo sorry I missed yours the first time around. Everyone go check her out!)

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award, by ScrawlSpace, CunningStuff, LizbethWrightBooks

Inspiring Blogger Award

I nominate:

The Liebster Blog Award, by Bulldog and Baby

I nominate:

The One Lovely Blog Award, ScrawlSpace, Travel, Love & Namaste, How To Online Date, The Jotter’s Joint, A Very Strange Place, Searching for the Happiness, Don’t Quote Lily, Betty Hoven, The Embiggens Project, The Pickled Princess

 

I nominate:

Thanks for Writing Award, by ReadnCook

I nominate:

You Make Me Shine Award, by Hutch a Good Life

I nominate:

The Sunshine Blogger Award, by Drawing Room Days, Fibronaut at Home

I nominate:

The Beautiful Blogger Award, by Lake Effect

I nominate:

The Versatile Blogger Award, by Mondrak,  Preston Fuller, The Wish Factor, The Embiggens Project, Lorna’s Voice

You guys are getting nominated too:

The 7 Things About Me Award, by the lovely Mondrak!

Yep, you guys too!

The Grazie Award, by Lorna’s Voice

THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM NOMINATIONS!!!

The Reader Appreciation Award, by thoughtsfromanamericanwoman, Not in India 2012, Hutch a Good Life

Nope, you can’t escape me either:

  1. amateuraficionado
  2. Wandering Voiceless
  3. Anthony’s Ramblings

All of these awards mean so very much to me. I really cannot express my gratitude to all of you for being so kind. I hope that all of you stop by and follow their blogs as you will find some incredible people there with great stories and much to share.

Since I always let it all hang out anyway, none of this stuff will likely surprise you, but I stole the 7 Things About Me list from Mondrak and will tell you 7 things about my silly self.

Here goes!

  1. I have two well-hidden tattoos.
  2. The hubby and I are renovating the entire house. This weekend, it’s the dining room cabinets. Kill me, please.
  3. I like playing with eye boogers. I know. GROSS!!! The ones with an eyelash or cat hair stuck in them are particularly fun. Now, real boogers are ICKY gross and I ban them from the earth. But eye boogers? Totally fun.
  4. If I could live in a log cabin, way out in the woods, I would. (As long as there was a Circle K within 5 minutes.)
  5. I currently have 22 teddy bears on my sofa. Yep, the freak show continues.
  6. I met Oprah when I was little, when she was still on local Baltimore/Washington TV. She told me I looked like Brooke Shields (it was the un-plucked eyebrows, I’m quite sure!)
  7. I’m addicted to having a pair of cuticle nippers in every room in the house. Also, in my car. I love nippers. They can do anything.

Thank you again, so very, very much for the amazing awards. My heart is officially warmed!!! Love you guys!!!

Douchy? Crazy? Naughty? Slutty? Drunk? Puking Rainbow Unicorns? WHA???

Okay, I realize that I’m rather eclectic in my postings. From sentimental letters to Daddy on Father’s Day to the Buzz Muff, to unintentional drooling, and toilets that I dip my hand into (against my will, I swear!). But when I saw these search terms that led people to my site, I thought 3 things:

  • Holy shit.
  • How in the hell did they come up with these word combinations? What on earth were they expecting to return?
  • I share way too many funky things with you guys.

Then I realized that it’s kinda cool appearing in searches that include words like: slut, douche, crazy and pee. Better than appearing in searches like this: “Biggest bitch on earth” or “Insufferable prig” or “Brainless whore.” I should thank God for small favors! :)

So, here goes my list from yesterday (unedited, except for my commentary in parentheses).

  1. I’m positive you’re a douche (Yeah, I’m so douchy that sometimes I even drink from them and shower in their wonderful mist!)
  2. How to look like you want sex (Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT walk around like I do all day in jammies with a ball of hair on your head. It is the anti-I-want-sex look. Now, look at any picture of me from 10 years ago and you’d have the real answer to that question. SLUT!!)
  3. Bathroom real pee shut up (Is there fake pee? And can pee shut up?)
  4. Sex with teddy bears (Well, if the shoe fits…poor car teddy…)
  5. Crazy coworkers from hell (We all have too many of these.)
  6. Clip art of exploding vacuum (I guess I’m not the only one that hates any form of cleaning.)
  7. Caught in panties captions (Caught in panties? Ummm…I got nothin’ on this one.)
  8. So good you’ll cry vegetable soup (Damn right my soup is so good you’ll weep for days!)
  9. Sluts newsletter sign up (Hmmm…should I take offense that my blog showed up in this search??)
  10. Cougar chat (Yes, yes, Cougar Chat Radio pretty much kicks ass. Everyone should search for it!)
  11. Does working ambrose ever stop in my life (Can you “work” an Ambrose?)
  12. Affair (Ummm…don’t recommend these.)
  13. Stripper smell secret (Oh yeah, I know the secrets to ALL things stripper! Just ask the pole in my basement!)
  14. Drunk rainbow and unicorn (I can’t believe that other people search for this too!)
  15. Jodi Ambrose is funny (Okay, this person is my new best friend. What a good sense of humor they must have! :))
  16. Naughty excerpts from books (Yeah, so my books are naughty. So what? You got a problem with that? Bring it! :) )
  17. Naughty book incerpts (I guess “Naughty excerpts from books” didn’t give them what they needed?)
  18. Trending is not word (DAMN RIGHT!! Preach on, mo fo!)
  19. Can you have a pagan handfasting if married to someone else (Umm..the real question is SHOULD you? A handfasting is a marriage. If you are already married, then shame shame shame.)
  20. Unicorn puking rainbow (Yeah, I totally get searching for this.)
  21. Puppy dog ear boobs (What in the never-ending holy fuck?)
  22. I love you even when your snoring (This person is better than me. My hubby would be buried with all the hamster corpses in the back yard if we hadn’t discovered mouthy-thing to stop him snoring. Don’t think I didn’t notice the “your” instead of “you’re.” I sooooo did!)
  23. Bear fucker do you need (Where do people learn how to formulate sentences? What in the name of all that is holy does this even mean?)
  24. Woman hate when you smile at them (We do? You’re right! Back the hell off with all those teeth and lips and stuff!)
  25. Daddy whon my virgin (I am NOT even going to touch this one. Nope. No how. No way. Nada. No. Stepping away from the computer now.)
  26. One way muff (What in the holy shit is a one way muff???)

I simply cannot pick a favorite, although “Sex with teddy bears”, “One way muff” and “Bathroom real pee shut up” do make me the most curious as to what they were hoping to find. I am officially disturbed and I hope I was able to disturb you too. :)

Good grief! Sometimes I even gross myself out.

This is going to be the shortest post ever. Believe it or not, I’m not always verbose! :)

The Visual: I’m sitting cross-legged on the sofa, with my chin resting on my fist, my elbow resting on my thigh, with my laptop in front of me.

My Reality: You know you are in a mind-numbing meeting when you are sitting there and all of a sudden feel something wet pooling on your thigh and your arm feels damp and cold. You look down and realize that you’ve drooled all the way down your arm until you have a nice wet spot on your jammie pants.

Oh my word…that shit is just wrong.