Douchy? Crazy? Naughty? Slutty? Drunk? Puking Rainbow Unicorns? WHA???

Okay, I realize that I’m rather eclectic in my postings. From sentimental letters to Daddy on Father’s Day to the Buzz Muff, to unintentional drooling, and toilets that I dip my hand into (against my will, I swear!). But when I saw these search terms that led people to my site, I thought 3 things:

  • Holy shit.
  • How in the hell did they come up with these word combinations? What on earth were they expecting to return?
  • I share way too many funky things with you guys.

Then I realized that it’s kinda cool appearing in searches that include words like: slut, douche, crazy and pee. Better than appearing in searches like this: “Biggest bitch on earth” or “Insufferable prig” or “Brainless whore.” I should thank God for small favors! :)

So, here goes my list from yesterday (unedited, except for my commentary in parentheses).

  1. I’m positive you’re a douche (Yeah, I’m so douchy that sometimes I even drink from them and shower in their wonderful mist!)
  2. How to look like you want sex (Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT walk around like I do all day in jammies with a ball of hair on your head. It is the anti-I-want-sex look. Now, look at any picture of me from 10 years ago and you’d have the real answer to that question. SLUT!!)
  3. Bathroom real pee shut up (Is there fake pee? And can pee shut up?)
  4. Sex with teddy bears (Well, if the shoe fits…poor car teddy…)
  5. Crazy coworkers from hell (We all have too many of these.)
  6. Clip art of exploding vacuum (I guess I’m not the only one that hates any form of cleaning.)
  7. Caught in panties captions (Caught in panties? Ummm…I got nothin’ on this one.)
  8. So good you’ll cry vegetable soup (Damn right my soup is so good you’ll weep for days!)
  9. Sluts newsletter sign up (Hmmm…should I take offense that my blog showed up in this search??)
  10. Cougar chat (Yes, yes, Cougar Chat Radio pretty much kicks ass. Everyone should search for it!)
  11. Does working ambrose ever stop in my life (Can you “work” an Ambrose?)
  12. Affair (Ummm…don’t recommend these.)
  13. Stripper smell secret (Oh yeah, I know the secrets to ALL things stripper! Just ask the pole in my basement!)
  14. Drunk rainbow and unicorn (I can’t believe that other people search for this too!)
  15. Jodi Ambrose is funny (Okay, this person is my new best friend. What a good sense of humor they must have! :))
  16. Naughty excerpts from books (Yeah, so my books are naughty. So what? You got a problem with that? Bring it! :) )
  17. Naughty book incerpts (I guess “Naughty excerpts from books” didn’t give them what they needed?)
  18. Trending is not word (DAMN RIGHT!! Preach on, mo fo!)
  19. Can you have a pagan handfasting if married to someone else (Umm..the real question is SHOULD you? A handfasting is a marriage. If you are already married, then shame shame shame.)
  20. Unicorn puking rainbow (Yeah, I totally get searching for this.)
  21. Puppy dog ear boobs (What in the never-ending holy fuck?)
  22. I love you even when your snoring (This person is better than me. My hubby would be buried with all the hamster corpses in the back yard if we hadn’t discovered mouthy-thing to stop him snoring. Don’t think I didn’t notice the “your” instead of “you’re.” I sooooo did!)
  23. Bear fucker do you need (Where do people learn how to formulate sentences? What in the name of all that is holy does this even mean?)
  24. Woman hate when you smile at them (We do? You’re right! Back the hell off with all those teeth and lips and stuff!)
  25. Daddy whon my virgin (I am NOT even going to touch this one. Nope. No how. No way. Nada. No. Stepping away from the computer now.)
  26. One way muff (What in the holy shit is a one way muff???)

I simply cannot pick a favorite, although “Sex with teddy bears”, “One way muff” and “Bathroom real pee shut up” do make me the most curious as to what they were hoping to find. I am officially disturbed and I hope I was able to disturb you too. :)

64 comments on “Douchy? Crazy? Naughty? Slutty? Drunk? Puking Rainbow Unicorns? WHA???

  1. Hahaha I nearly gobbed out my coffee as I was reading that. :-D Who the hell does these searches? I can understand a couple of them “How to look if you want sex” could be virgins after a little cherry popping, “Cougar chat” I did that as I wanted to find the pod casts. “Jodi Ambrose is funny” well, yes. Why anyone would want to search for this? Just take people’s words for it, buy the books and follow the blog. “Naughty excerpts from books” being crude, I imagine it’s so some people can jerk off to sex bits in books.

    Some of them though are WTF crazy lol. “One way muff”? Uh no it’s two way; stuff comes out and goes in lol. “Daddy whon my virgin”; that one makes me feel sick. “Unicorn puking rainbow”? That is waaaaaay too much LDS in the sixties. “Sluts newsletter sign up”? Wasn’t aware they needed a newsletter: “Who’s your slut this month? Our reporters are out and about chatting to our newest sluts. Knitting patterns from our Artistic Slut Corner”

    This is one wikkid post Jodi. Thanks for the laugh as soon as I wake up in the morning :-)

    • I love the mental image of you gobbing your coffee!!! :) I’m not sure what gobbing is, but I’m picturing either a nice choking image or a coffee-spraying image. Either one works for me. :)

      Yeah, who in the hell runs searches like that? One way muff made me CRACK UP! The Daddy/Virgin one was incredibLY disturbing! :) As for the Naughty Excerpts–I’m guessing you hit that one right on the head. Pervs! I simply love your Sluts-r-Us newsletter suggestions. If I ever do create a Sluts Newsletter, I will use those as sections as columns in it. Good grief! :)

      Glad you enjoyed, my dear!

      • Haha was spitting and spraying lol.

        I may have to start doing a comedic newsletter of Sluts-R-Us and do a completeLY new blog for it. Could start by interviewing my ex-wife – oops, did I say that out loud? *snigger*.

        As for “can you work an Ambrose” ask your husband, I’m sure he knows ;-D lol.

        “Stripper smell secret” reminds me of one of the first posts of yours that I read haha

      • I LOVE the mental image I now have. :)

        You are so naughty–interviewing the Ex. Ha! If you start doing a comedic Sluts-R-Us newsletter, I wanna be a guest writer! :)

        Oh yeah, the hubby is in SERIOUS “work for Ambrose” mode right now. We are gutting the dining room and kitchen and building them from the floor up. Ugh! The house is SUCH a disaster! Here’s how we do it: I design, he builds, I decorate. It’s perfect! I’ll post pics when it’s done. This house was a bachelor pad for YEARS and was worse than a frat house, so we’ve been going room to room to remodel. It’s turning out AMAZING, but it’s taking time (which is okay). So yes, the poor hubby knows all about Working an Ambrose! :)

  2. Ahahaha…what poor animal is walking around with “puppy dog ear boobs?” And what’s with the guy offering his services as a Bear F—-r? Really? And how does one cry vegetable soup? That would require a lot of soup intake to actually have it come out as tears.
    You are too funny. Even better than a unicorn that pukes rainbows. Thanks for the laugh-out-loud-funniness first thing in the A.M.

    • Puppy dog ear boobs had me on the floor laughing. What the hell kind of image or story were they hoping to find??? As for one’s eyes leaking veggie soup, I can only imagine that instead of typing, “So good you’ll cry vegetable soup” that they should have typed, “Vegetable soup that is so good it will make you cry.” I’m hoping that’s what they meant, because the alternative seems quite uncomfortable. :) Glad I gave you some giggles in the morning. :)

  3. RE: #8 – I must have missed your recipe for veg soup or something. My first thought was, damn, that would hurt.

  4. These are hilarious! I mostly get hits from searches for “fairy gardens,” but I’ve also been found by people searching for “horny wife register,” “African baby pooping,” and “poop everywhere.” Lovely.

  5. Whee wanna know if it is actually possible for a rainbow or a unicorn to get drunk. This really made us all giggle. Whee have been feeling pretty sad today so thank you for cheering us up Miss Jodi.

    Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo & Buddy
    xxxx

    • Hello there, my sweet furries! Little furries need not concern their fuzzy head with drinking. Unless it’s water or chocolate milk. That’s okay. :)

      Now, why are the whee ones sad today? I haven’t been visiting blogs much this week (15 hour work days) and I may have missed something Mummy posted. I sure hope everything is okay. Please know that Miss Jodi is sending you and Mummy sweet, loving, un-sad thoughts and prayers.

      Love you!

      • Oh, my sweet fuzzballs. I’m so very, very sorry. Miss Jodi used to have baby hamsters too and there are few things cuter on this earth (except maybe some adorable guinea piggies). The thing to remember my precious angels is that heaven is a great place for all things furry. Right now those sweet little hamsters are running around in warm, flower-filled fields in Heaven having the time of their lives.

        I know you must miss them, but they are looking down on you with love, my little darlings.

        Give Mummy some extra nibble love so she feels better.

        Tons of love to all of you!

  6. Love it, very funny! I don’t know what a one way muff is either… maybe a way for someone like Van Gogh, with his one ear, to keep his ear warm. Nah, probably not what they were looking for. Yesterday I had the search term “boobs popping out while mowing the lawn”. I spent the entire day trying to figure out how to determine where this person lived! :-)

  7. Did I ever tell you I love you??!! The sad part is I know you’re ( note that, not your!) serious because I get searches like that as a FOOD blogger!! I’m going to have to do a post like this!

    • Your (ha ha) adorable! :) I guess when you think about all the words one uses to describe food, it could lead naughty searchers to you. “Delicious, steamy, yummy, decadent.” Yep, that could bring the freaks your way! :) You and I are kindred spirits with cooking interests. I have a cookbook coming out in late October/early November. Woo hoo! :)

      • I do! It’s going to be so much fun. It’s totally snarky, just like you’d expect. Without giving too much away, it’s a cookbook for people who both do and don’t love cooking. It’ll be available everywhere–USA, UK, Italy, France, Spain, etc… (I’m in Arizona). You’ll be able to get it at Amazon, Barnes and Noble…all over the place. We’re putting the finishing touches on the recipes now and trying to get as many pics of the food as possible–though we won’t have pics of all of it or I’d weigh 400 pounds! ;) I’ll blog about it once it’s available. I think you’ll enjoy it since you put up with me so well on my nutso blog! :)

  8. Good job on the commentaries! I do a regular series on the wacky search terms that bring people to my site. Yours are zanier than mine and I don’t know whether to be happy for you or worried for you. They make for great blog fodder, but there are some real nut-jobs out there searching for some off-the-wall crazy ass stuff!

  9. Those were funny. Who searches for such terms? There are some strange people out there!

    For the most part the search terms on my blog have something to do with what is on my blog. My problem is that the most searched for thing on my blog is one post that includes a photo of my very, very white legs. I have even considered removing the post. I feel like my legs are being stalked. The first four top search terms on my blog, with their total views are: Legs (40), chubby legs (40), my legs (18), and milk white skin (10). In total there are 40 search terms to do with this one post searching for white skin, legs, chubby legs etc. I think it can be assumed men have an obsession with legs…

What'cha think? Leave your comment here.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s