Angry Birds is my Mother F*&;^ing Nemesis!

I’m telling you, if I’d worked as hard in high school as I do now on Angry Birds, I’d have been able to skip college entirely.

They say the first step towards solving a problem is admitting there is one. Well, here I go. I’m an Angry Birds junkie. Full on, tap the vein junkie. When Angry Birds first came out a few people showed it to me and it looked so boring that I had no interest whatsoever. Then one day, while fucking off and wasting time with my Minion (my awesome employee at my last job), I played it for a few minutes on his phone. After what felt like 5 minutes, but was more like 19 hours, he was finally able to wrench his phone out of my fearsome clutches. Each time, prior to his phone’s eventual release, when he’d edge closer to my drooling, glassy-eyed self, I’d growl through gritted teeth, “I’ll give it back you when you take it from my cold, dead hands.” Charlton Heston and I make quite the formidable pair. :) He wisely backed away until he had no choice but to risk life and limb in order to retrieve his phone. I only stabbed him once, so I think he fared pretty well.

Since then, I’ve played and played and played until my fingers hurt, my eyes crossed and my patience sapped. Those sonofabitching pigs!!! Why are they such nasty little bastards? Why, when lazily relaxing in a block of wood, can’t they just DIE when they tip over? WHY? Is God punishing me??? ;)

Here are my thoughts on each evil, time-sucking, life-draining version:

  • RIO: HATE IT! Refuse to play it. Those damn laughing monkeys can all die in a bath of acid. HATE THEM SO MUCH!
  • SPACE: Cannot get enough, though I often want to kill myself while playing it. When I first saw the floating pigs I was all excited. Then I realized that some of them actually run from you. They have artificial intelligence. It FREAKS ME OUT! Then the damn doughnut episode came out and the damn birds could bounce off of little patches of gum or some such crap. Gotta get just the right angle or you’re screwed. Ugh! KILL ME!!!! Little rat bastards.
  • SEASONS: I swear, some of the episodes in this were designed by sadists. Pure, unadulterated schadenfreude mo fos. Every once and a while, when I just can’t figure out how to kill the little asshats, I go and watch YouTube to see the solution. Then I try it and it still takes me 200 attempts. And if you know me at all, you’ll know it’s me attempting to get all 3 stars. Screw one or two stars. It has to be 3 or I simply cannot live.
  • THE ORIGINAL: Yep, this was the little shit that lured me in. It starts all nice and easy with a red bird and one pig. Now I’ve got 342 kinds of birds, 298 pigs zipping across the screen at once (laughing at me whilst doing so, the little fuckers) and carpal tunnel syndrome.

My hubby and I will sit outside in the backyard, playing one version or another on our phones (which is MUCH harder than playing on a computer) and all anyone who might overhear us would hear would be, (stop reading if you don’t like cuss words!) “Damn son of a bitch fucker! I’m going to fly to Rovio and kill all those whores for ever writing this program! I hope they all die in a shitstorm of, well, shit. Why didn’t their mothers drown them in the tub when they were infants??? DAMN THESE PEOPLE!! ARRRRRRRGH!!!!” Then, when I’ve gotten 3 stars on everything there is to get 3 stars on I say, “DAMN those people at Rovio! Why can’t they churn this stuff out faster? I don’t have any episodes left. What am I supposed to do now? Do you know when the next release is? I need to look it up to see if I can find out. Yeah, there has to be one soon.” All of this is said with imploring eyes and a little spittle caught in the corner of my mouth (icky!).

I’m quite sure that depiction rivals any other kind of junkie. Angry Birds is my smack. There is no doubt about it. I have it on my Kindle Fire, my Nook, my phone, through Facebook. And when my last phone was dying a horrible death I refused to get a new one until I could find a way to back up my Angry Birds games so that I didn’t have to restart them from the beginning. I’m quite sure doing so would have landed me in the looney bin.

After all this confessing and cussing, I think I feel the need to go play some Space to see if I can beat my own high scores. Those pokey puppies at Rovio are taking their SWEET ASS TIME releasing any new levels, so a girl has to do what she has to do–revisit what I’ve already conquered. It’s like when a single girl wants nookie but doesn’t want to add any “numbers” to her growing list of partners. She can just go back to where she’s been before, have some fun, but keep the same count. (Ladies, you know what I’m talking about here!) I’m going to go do the same thing with Angry Birds, though it is slightly less satisfying I must admit.;)

51 comments on “Angry Birds is my Mother F*&;^ing Nemesis!

  1. I absolutely adore this post…..I feel the same. However, I stopped the madness and gave up after 6 months. I just couldn’t do it anymore. How bout this one…try the game “Jump Out!” It’s similar to AB and will drive you absolutely bat shit. Have fun!

  2. LMFAO!!! I have only played Angry Birds a couple of times – when I didn’t have a lot of time. It is a bloody good game. I kept trying to beat my (8 year old at the time) nephew and not even getting close. Then when I smashed them all of them under a dozen bricks with one shot I just turned to (8 year old at the time) him and said “HA! In your face! I beat you” I’m not proud of it and he did play that level non stop until he (9 year old at the time) said “HA! I fucking own you” Or that’s what it felt like when he said “look I got a higher score than you” lol

    • “HA! I fucking own you.” Okay, that is one of the funniest things ever!!! It’s great being beaten by small children. Ugh! Angry Birds is the only video game I play, so it’s my “I need mindless crap” go-to activity. But then I get all riled up and scream the “c” word at my phone until I’m hoarse!!! Horrible. I am simply horrible. :)

      • I got to play it more. I went from a HTC phone to an iPhone so I couldn’t save anything from there. I haven’t started it again, I downloaded a different type of the same game – Catapult King but it’s not the same as the birds.

      • I had a game where you had to catapult cats onto spikes so their guts ran out. That was a few years ago now and I can’t remember what it was called. The idea was actually to get the cats into the holes, but it was much more fun to put them onto the spikes :-D

  3. F Angry Birds, you seriously HAVE to play Song Pop with me!! A) you would kick my ass b) it’s fun! c) I demand it or you can’t have my recipes lol!!

  4. So this is what you’re doing when you’re not blessing us with your presence and awesome posts! Seriously, Jodi! Thanks for taking a little break and sharing this with us…you’re so funny. I’ve never tried that game, even though I do love video games. I’m a rebel…when I hear about something that everyone’s obsessed with, I tend to stay away for as long as I can. :lol: But it’s probably for the best, I’m a tiny bit dangerous when I get mad at a game…like slam-the-game-against-the-wall-or-punch-someone’s-face kind of mad. ;)

  5. I was like this with tetris, still am if I sit down with it. My son showed me he had it on his phone years ago, he said i could play till I lost. He would come out and ask if I’d lost yet and I’d tell him “no, go away”. Finally, I called him and told him he could have the phone back. He laughed and said “you finally lost” My response was “No, your damn phone died” He never let me touch his phone again.

    When he decided I was upgrading to a smart phone last year, he loaded the original Angry Birds on my phone, I now have Rio too. Space drove me nuts I had to stop and seasons is the same, how exactly they think you can beat some of those levels I’ll never know.

    I’ve beat the games, now I am going back and working on getting perfect scores on the levels I didn’t get it the first time through.

    • A fellow junkie! Yay!!! I HAVE to get 3 stars. HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO! I cannot live if they aren’t all perfect scores. I’ll play for 2 hours and then realize I can never get that time back. I could have gotten my doctorate in the time I’ve spent playing frigging Angry Birds! ;)

      Tetris can totally be addictive too. Back when it was one of the first games out there I’d scream and shout, “NOOOOO!!! Not the L-shaped one! There’s no where for it to go!!!” Argh!! Damn games. ;)

  6. I just laughed out loud at this!! I don’t play this game (Bingo is my smack) but you could write a post about taking a poo and I would laugh!! Just put a huge grin on my face thinking of you in the back yard cursing this game out!! :) Another priceless one my friend! :)

    • Thank you!!! Your comment just made my day. :) XOXOXO Bingo…hmmmm…I’m going to have to download that. I could play me some bingo. :) And yeah, the cussing goes to a whole new level when playing Angry Birds. My hubby looks at me like, “I kiss that mouth!!” Then he’ll yell the same thing. :)

  7. Okay, I don’t normally link back to my own posts in a comment, but I’m gonna make an exception here because we are definitely sistas from another motha: http://wanderingvoiceless.com/2012/07/31/hi-my-name-is-melissa-and-i-am-an-addict/

    Oh, BTW, I ALSO play AB… I’m just not quite as fanatical about it as I am with Jewels — which, in case you miss this fact in my post, is only made for ANDROID phones. If you want a little break from AB –or you’re in the limbo land of no new themes — go try Jewels… hehe

    Yes, I also insist on 3 stars in AB before moving on… and I’ve been known to check youtube for solutions… only to have to try it their way 200 times, before I finally get the 3 stars a completely different way… and I found fb’s “Green Day” tournament quite challenging, but I HAD to finish in first place… argh!

    Now I’ll think of you every time I play… comrades-in-arms we are. :>

  8. I had to wipe the tears from my eyes so I could see to to continue reading this post. When I first got my Samsung Galaxy I had a brief affair with Angry Birds, and was a little obsessed until I’d completed all the levels, accompanied by the appropriate amount of expletives and dialogue (a little weird if you are Angry Birding during the train commute). The G.O. caught on to my obsession so I had to let him have a go too… All is was well, we just pretended it never happened, until now… must go and fire it up again ;)

  9. I tried it on my kid’s phone. Pathetic. You know how parents hand their bored kids their phone so they can play and leave the parents alone. Yeah, well, in reverse there for me (I was at the in-laws!) I was hooked but I don’t have a phone that does anything more than um….phone…so I thought I was safe. And then you said I could get it on facebook. Hmmmm. If it is true you will owe me a life.

    • No one could ever blame you for hibernating while playing Angry Birds when at the in-laws. Sanity break! :) Oh yeah, on Facebook you compete with your friends for the highest score. It’s like a higher quality crack. ;)

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