Massengill, Vagisil, Preparation H, Gold Bond Medicated Powder, Charmin, Always and Stayfree, can you PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP???

Yeah, you know I really wanted to say, “Shut the fuck up,” but I thought I’d leave the REAL cursing for the post rather than the title. Believe it or not, I don’t want to constantly offend the entire world. Well, on most days at least. ;)

Let me tell you a little story. Back during the summer between 7th and 8th grade I’d go to the pool all the time. I was just starting to blossom into womanhood and was uncomfortable enough with periods and new boobs and boys and weird hair and wearing deodorant. It was all a little overwhelming when puberty struck. Anyway, that particular day I was off to the pool with a friend of mine and we had to show our pool IDs to the pool ID guy. As it turned out, the pool ID guy was one of the hottest guys in our town. His name was Ricky and every girl (and I’m sure plenty of guys) wanted to be his sweetheart. He was simply beautiful. Drool… Anyway, I digress… So, Ricky had a little black and white TV up at his ID checking station. Since he couldn’t see the pool area from his post and check out all the hot bodied girls, he needed something to occupy his time, right?

Well, there my girlfriend and I are, passing him our IDs and trying to make small talk with this heavenly god of a boy and all of a sudden a maxi pad commercial came on the TV. SHIT!!!! What should I do? I can’t stay here and let him think that because I’m a girl that I have to deal with those things. I don’t want him thinking of me as a bleeder!! NOOOOOO!! ARRRRRRGH!!!! So, what did we do? We ran screaming into the girl’s locker room. Yep, the most mature thing we could come up with was running away like our hair was on fire. In all honesty, I was blushing so bad it felt like my face was on fire. How absolutely horrible to have the fact that I have girl parts that do oogie things thrown into Ricky’s face as we all stood there scantily clad in barely-there bikinis. It was quite simply too much to bear.

After hiding in the locker room for about 10 minutes and getting our breath back, we ventured out to the pool. We were both still so embarrassed about the pad commercial that we stayed at the pool, turning into deeply suntanned raisins, until Ricky’s shift was over. There was NO WAY IN HELL we were going to walk past him that day. Nope. No how. No way. Unh unh.

Now, I realize that may seem like an overreaction in today’s world, but remember, this was back in 1983. Girls and boys did not discuss the kinds of stuff that we now feel free to openly discuss with the poor mailman or the chick at the Gap. Back then, we had a bit more decorum. Obviously, I got over some of that. But NOT ALL!!! There are still things I would no sooner discuss with my husband than I would with the Pope. There are certain things that should remain a mystery. What happens south of the border should be among those things. So, in case you haven’t figured it out, here’s my beef: I am sooooooooo sick of hearing about the foulness of body parts I could vomit until I passed out from exhaustion. Damn, that’s a lot of vomiting. ;)

Let’s address these disgusting products with at least a modicum of truth. :)

  1. Massengill. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IF A WOMAN HAS A “NOT SO FRESH” FEELING! For fuck’s sake, how gross and disgusting can a commercial be? Gentlemen, please believe me when I say that women do not bond over discussing such things while skipping through a field of lavender wearing bonnets and free-flowing white skirts. I’m going to say that no woman (as far as you know) has ever encountered a not-so-fresh feeling because our nether regions are yummy like an ice cream sundae. But on the slim-to-none chance that one ever did (which I doubt) they sure as shit would not have a conversation about it like is depicted in those stupid commercials.
  2. Vagisil. Ummm…women KNOW what the hell you are good for. Must you spell it out like we are retarded? Honest to God, I was eating dinner the other night and nearly puked up my food when I saw one of their commercials. I’m a GIRL and I nearly upchucked my dinner. I can only imagine how disgusting it is for men to have to suffer through them. GROSS!!! Here’s my real issue with it: Women know if something is amiss and know (unless sheltered by parents who refuse to admit that their daughter has girl parts) how to go about getting it fixed. We do NOT need details on the icky issue and we do not need to know every symptom to be on the lookout for. Because if you remind us of all the gross symptoms on NATIONAL FUCKING TV DURING DINNER, how on earth do you ever expect a man to wanna go down there again??? Generally speaking, we like a man to crave our body parts. We want men to dream about that wonderful spot and long for it on a daily basis. We do NOT want them reminded that sometimes there is a “Closed for Business” sign on it for one reason or another. Can there be no mystery left???
  3. Preparation H. Good Lord have mercy. Yes, I’m sure having the issue that needs the attention of Preparation H is not pleasant. I can only imagine that it sucks. But Preparation H has been around since the dawn of time and I’m fairly sure most of us know what it’s used for, so MUST we go into detail on the itching and burning? Really? Must we? I mean, gross. Can you just say, “If you are having problems with your back door, use Preparation H”? Do the commercials really have to get as graphic as a visit to the proctologist? Ugh. Ick.
  4. Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Info on this should be passed down from dad to son, or uncle to son, or health class teacher to the boys. Just like men don’t want to hear about Vagisil, we don’t want to hear about men’s spicy, itchy man sacks. Just as our girl parts are like an ice cream sundae, your man parts should remain a fun playground for our enjoyment. I don’t want to wretch thinking about all the symptoms Gold Bond relieves.
  5. Charmin. My husband was so horrified by the most recent Charmin commercial that he made me sit through it just to horrify me too. It’s nice how couples do that kind of stuff! ;) This particular one was a cartoon of a Mama bear peeking into her baby bear’s undershorts and grimacing by what she saw, while baby bear peeks in the window watching her inspect his undies. It was sooooooooo gross!! Do they really think that by softening it up with cute, animated bears that it is any less disgusting? Can’t we all agree that we ALREADY FUCKING KNOW what TP is for and don’t need it shoved in our faces in such an icky manner. I mean, really, who wants to picture what she was seeing in his underwear? But you can’t help but visualize it in your mind’s eye. Seriously, that is soooo nasty. Can we please bring back Mr. Ripple and the “Don’t squeeze the Charmin” ads? So much less filthy and nasty.
  6. Always and Stayfree. I’d venture to say that in this day and age, with the Internet and a much-lowered filter (I’m guilty of not having much of a filter!) that a great percentage of girls and certainly all women know what a maxi-pad is. Do we need to actively remind everyone what women have to suffer from, in graphic detail, every month? Is it not enough that Eve ate the damn apple and cursed us with Aunt Ruby’s monthly visit? Do we need to show with liquid how much more absorbent one pad is over the other. It’s all marketing bullshit anyway, so is it that important to have demonstrations? I guess I should just be happy that they use blue water instead of red. ICKY!!! ;) Worse yet are the tampon commercials. Those show women doing the splits on a trampoline so they can give us a crotch shot to prove that there’s no string hanging out and no leaks. Again–GROSS!!! Those commercials are a crotch-fest. I’ve never seen so much poon outside of a porn. What got into their brains that they thought this was acceptable??? Just wrong, I tells ya. Wrong.

Whew! That was exhausting! ;)

Now, I full on realize that I am fairly filter-free. I pretty much say what I think, using whatever coarse language I want. But here’s the difference: if you don’t want to read my mouthiness, you don’t have to. You can say, “Good Lord, but that girl is foul!!! I’m never reading her blog again!” And you’d be all set. You’d never have to be horrified by my sass-mouth again. We don’t have that option with today’s commercials. They are served up to us, so often during the dinner hour, and we cannot escape them quite as easily as you can escape me. If these commercials would cut down to 15 seconds and just tell you the basics at a very high level and then for more info you can visit their website, I could live with that. Then they could overwhelm you with any gross thing they want on their website that you voluntarily went to. But to force it down our throats while we are watching TV in mixed company is just awful. Especially, if you are watching it with a mother- or father-in-law. Or a grandparent. Yicky!!!

Okay, that’s my rant of the week. I’ve thought these things for 30+ years and it’s so nice to finally have an avenue for spewing on and on about it!! :) For those of you who stuck it out through this diatribe, bless your sweet and patient hearts! XOXOXO

PS: If the conversation in this video ever actually happened, I’ll eat my hat. :)

68 comments on “Massengill, Vagisil, Preparation H, Gold Bond Medicated Powder, Charmin, Always and Stayfree, can you PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP???

  1. Wow, I soooo agree with you Jodi!!! My wife and I cringe when these dipstick commercials pop on the screen. I ask WHY? Aren’t chics gonna seek out this stuff anyway? It sucks that Mr. Ripple died. I hope they buried him in six foot of Charmin.

    • You, your wifey and I are kindred spirits! Those commercials are just so icky!!! And yes, if a chick needs any of that stuff, they’ll seek it out. They certainly don’t need an over-descriptive commercial. Yuck! :)

      I agree–a nice soft cushion of Charmin would be perfect for him. I loved him when I was a kid. :)

  2. 100% agree!! You forgot to mention with the Charmin commercials that their motto is “Enjoy the go.” ENJOY pooping? Commercials are so stupid, weird, and disgusting. I have issues with so many of them. Do people even buy thingsbased on commercials? I think not. Thank you for this post, I highly enjoyed it! ;)

    • So glad you liked it! :) Ewwww…”Enjoy the go????” I haven’t seen those and I’m very glad for that. Icky! Why on earth would anyone ever pitch that as an ad campaign and why would some dumbass executive think it was brilliant? People can be such dullards! ;)

  3. In response to an earlier comment… Nahhh your not getting old…. I’d venture to say we’re close in age based on the “1983″ and “30+ years”

    Ohhhh yeah, and have to agree w/ the viagra….. Even more annoying is the DAMN email ads that fill my in-box constantly (as if I’ve somehow, unknowingly, obtained the particular necessary appendage).

    • I’ve heard of penis envy, but if you’ve figured out how to grow one of your own you are going to be rich! ;) Stupid emails. As a woman, I don’t want to enlarge anything on my body! ;)

      Thanks for not making me feel like a grandma. I usually feel like I’m about 20 and then I remember that kids nowadays don’t know that women used to have to wear pantyhose to work and that phones had cords attached to the wall and I start to feel like 42 might as well be 82. ;)

      • Nahhh, not that interested in being rich.

        Just turned 41 a couple months ago myself… My mind (sometimes) feels young, but my body….. Well that’s another story.

        Enjoy the posts by the way :-)

  4. I’m not horrified by those commercials, but my girlfriends seem to talk about their periods and yeast infections and whatnot WAY to often!! I’ve never been one to talk about it :) As far as intemicy ( I think that’s spelled wrong :) ) goes, I almost completely killed it today when my husband wanted to fool around and I said “Ok, but can I poop first?” I don’t have much of a filter either sometimes :)

  5. Okay …. here we go.

    This should be the conversation that is filmed in a cafe or somewhere similar.
    Several people of both sexes.

    Woman1: Hey how are you all today?
    Woman2: Oh I got a smelly snatch, but other than that I’m okay
    Woman3: You think that’s bad! My beaver hasn’t stopped itching for days
    Woman4: HAHA! You stinky smelly twats! At least I just have grapes in my starfish
    Man1: (With hand in trousers) Crap my ballbag is irritating as hell today.
    Woman3: Do you mind? I don’t want to hear about a broken scrotum
    Woman2: Oh stop complaining, at least your husband wipes his ass properly
    Woman1: Thought I would let you know, I got the painters in this morning so I used two towels see which soaked the most devil’s juice.
    Woman5: Hahahaha you’re all disgusting. Hahahahaha. So rude hahahaha .. oops … Tena lady moment,
    ;-)

  6. Ahaha! That commercial made me throw up in my mouth a bit. Too much like Carol and Marsha Brady sitting around talking about twats.
    And I agree…that teddy bear underwear streaks commercial is DISGUSTING! Almost as bad as the old ones where the kids was covered in will-nots. Seriously, Mr. Whipple really does need to make a come-back.
    FYI…a while ago there was a list of “ingredients to avoid” when shopping for household products printed in our newspaper. One of them was a fancy name for formaldehyde and I discovered that it was in Vagisil’s feminine wash. Seriously, formaldehyde? Are they trying to preserve our lady parts for mounting? Ooops. That came out all wrong. hehe.

    • “Carol and Marsha Brady sitting around talking about twats.” That shit is funny!!! Oh good grief!!! LOVE IT!!!! :)

      Are you kidding me that Vagisil’s feminine wash has corpse juice in it???? Seriously? Dang. I guess it would be valuable if it could freeze our muffs at age 16. Then I’d have bought some. EWWW!!! Now I’m going to be ill. :)

  7. Thank you for saying what we all think! The last commercial I didn’t need to see was a condom ad at the movie theater. I was with my husband of 24 years and it was still awkward! Gotta wonder how people on first dates were feeling. (Okay, call me a prude. And, no, we weren’t at a porn theater.) Afterthought: could make for a good SNL skit.

    • You are quite welcome! You know I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. :)

      I would be horrified by seeing a condom commercial at a movie theater (non-porn theater!) too. It’s just not appropriate to shove that stuff down people’s throats when they have no choice but to sit and watch it. I don’t think you’re a prude at all. Lord knows I’m no prude, but I’d not have cared for that either. Good grief–I guess everything is up for grabs nowadays. :)

    • Netflix is pretty damn great. I live for my DVR, though I don’t escape all of those hideous commercials unfortunately. And yes, douching is HORRIBLE for you!!! And it screws up your ph balance, which is not good for Mrs. Muff. :) Luckily for you, I’d finished eating when I read your comment. ;)

  8. That commercial – ick ick ick! But what I hate even worse are those awful adult diaper commercials, the ones featuring women who can’t be more than thirty and implying that once we get to an advanced age like that, we lose all our toilet training. Puhlease!

  9. I have to agree about the commercials ,but my husband can handle all the girl-info.Do you have children?I mean, as my sister’s mother-in-law told a young daughter-in-law:”Honey, once you’ve had a baby, your body is public knowledge”.

    • Bless your hubby’s heart! I just pretend my girl parts are only used for one, very sexy thing. Other than that, they have no function as far as the hubby is concerned. I’m a kook–I know. :) I don’t have kids, but my mom has said the same thing. It’s like after all the doctors and nurses stuffing their heads between your legs for almost a year that it becomes no big deal. Yet another reason I’m not having kids! ;)

  10. Funny, a few days ago I was watching TV and this toilet paper commercial came on. All glamorous, with relaxing music, beautiful women and at the end, one of them wearing a dress made with rolls of toilet paper…So much work went into this ad and all I could think was:

    “They know what we use that stuff for, right?”

    • Ha! That’s a riot. I’d actually like to see that commercial. I think they have the right idea. Why focus on its real use, since we all know what it’s for, and instead just show hot chicks/guys parading around in fancy TP garbs? Works for me. :)

  11. Your rant couldn’t have been better. I’m a few years older than you and when I was in high school there were all these adds for women’s products and one for “jock itch”. The men went crazy, didn’t want it to be public knowledge that they had problems in an area. So that commercial was pulled and for a few years the only commercials were for women’s products…Used to really make me mad.

    Today the commercials are even worse than what I grew up with. I’m glad I no longer have a TV to see most of them any more (I still use hulu so I get a few)

    • I’m so happy you enjoyed it! I totally remember those jock itch commercials!!! NO ONE wants to know about that stuff. Like you, I think it sucks that every gross thing a woman may go through is all over the TV, but you much less frequently see anything for guy issues. I can’t remember the last time I saw a jock itch commercial. UNFAIR!!! ;)

      I wish I could go without a TV. I think I’d actually die without my TV. Sad to say, but true. Besides reading (which I do 2-3 hours a day) it’s how I rest my brain. :)

      • Seriously what ever happened to women’s issues being secret. In the Victorian days, they never would discuss anything a woman went through no man wanted any part of it, so why are our issues all over the TV?

      • I am pretty damn sure that if you showed the inventors of movies/TV what was going to be appearing via those mediums a few decades down the road that they’d have burned their notes and never have invented them! ;) You couldn’t even say “pregnant” on TV until what…the 60s? My, what a crazy turn it’s taken.

        It was suggested to me in another comment that I run for president on the platform of no more oogie commercials. Here’s my pitch to the nation: “NO MORE MUFF AND PECKER COMMERCIALS! Now vote for me!” I think that’ll work. :)

  12. Tucks almost got it right…Match…pad…nuff said, but still….
    I know these things must be advertised to be bought, but damn! How much are we spending on feminine hygiene technology? Pads, tampons…and pearls…WTH…nevermind, I don’t wanna know. At least not any more than you wanna know why a dude would need a trip to the ER for a four hour boner….I watch too much TV…and use too many elipses….and need a drink to wash this spit-up out of my mouth.
    BTW, you could run for President on this platform, I’d vote for ya, me and the rest of the Keep the Private Parts Private Party!!!
    Cheers, Dan

    • Yes! Tucks!!! I totally agree. Clever (for what it is) and not disgusting.

      I’m with you…I need a drink after all the ickiness of those awful commercials…oh…and I like ellipses too… :)

      My new slogan, “SASS-MOUTH FOR PRESIDENT!” I love the ring of that in my ears. Good idea my friend. I’ll be needing a campaign manager though. Are you willing to accept bribes and such from lobbyists? If so, you’re in. ;)

      • #1 Bribe, editing rights for Charmin!
        (New commercial:
        Image of empty toilet paper roll.
        {Voice over} “You know what it does, you know you need it. Is our the best? You bet your ass! [END])

  13. I didn’t read all of the comments so this may have appeared already but have you seen this? Apparently, a fellow sent an email to a pad company claiming he was disillusioned by them. He was jealous when younger that women would be able to bungie jump and other such fun things when having their monthlys. Then as a grew older he looked forward to how wonderfully happy his girlfriends would be during this time…he would run through fields of flowers with them. Alas, he is grown now and the girlfriends are not happy and bungie jumping. They are infact turning on him!!! The company responded with this bit of nonsense! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bpy75q2DDow

  14. There’s a lot of money to be made when men make women think we need to fix our bodies for them. Some of those old commercials I used to watch are shameful, but I watched them and believed I would be a better “fresher” young woman… Oy Vey!

  15. My first visit here and I love it!!! Too funny and too true!!! I had to question one thing though… in #6 I always heard “Aunt Flo” (omg) came to visit… is that just the worst thing ever said, or what? (really, had never heard “Aunt Ruby”) :D

    • Hi Mainegreengirl!! Thanks so much for dropping by. I’m sooooo happy that you like the insanity of my blog. We get craaaazy here! :) “Aunt Flo,” I’ve heard that one too. I always liked Aunt Ruby because it’s a bit more grossly visual. ICKY!!!! :) As you can tell, there are no holds barred here. :) I hope you are having a fantastic weekend and it’s great to meet you!

  16. The worst thing about all those commercials is the negative messages it gives to females, especially young girls, about their bodies. It wasn’t until I was an adult working in ob/gyn clinic that I realized, because frankly I was…uuuuh looking at women’s private parts most days, that they were something to be proud of. They aren’t gross, in fact the opposite. Women really are beautiful. Did you know I have some 1950′s ads that say women should douche with lysol so as to make their husbands happy? The only way this would make a husband happy is if he has clap and this might cure him. Can you imagine a husband being turned on by lysol? I don’t even want to go there.
    Love this post!
    Is it going to be in your cookbook? :)

    • I couldn’t agree more. It’s as if our girlie parts are something to run from! Ridiculous, especially when you think of all the money spent on porn in any given year. Clearly that body part is wonderful or so many people wouldn’t pay to see them. ;) As for the Lysol thing–oh my God. That is freaking HORRIBLE!!! There is nothing wrong with the muff!! It doesn’t need perfume, for goodness sake. I’ve known men who live and die for the naturalness of a woman’s yum yum parts–that’s how it should be (in my humble opinion!).

      So glad you enjoyed the post–especially since you are a muff expert! ;) As for putting it in the cookbook–one could definitely think of that body part as dessert! :)

  17. Absolutely agree with this. I turn the channel or the sound off. (doesn’t bother my husband, it’s just advertising, he says) Many years ago there was a huge billboard on a major thoroughfare in our area with the words “JOCK ITCH?” splayed in four-foot letters. I can’t imagine any man feeling good about that! It must have had some company’s logo for marketing purposes, of course, but who paid attention? It was embarrassing just to drive by it!

    • Hi Suzette! I’m glad you enjoyed this. I just get horrified by the advertisements we are forced to look at. I can’t believe the jock itch billboard! HOLY MOLY!! What on earth would possess someone to advertise like that? Ewwww! You are lucky to have a hubby that isn’t bugged by it. Mine’s usually pretty chill about it too–I think it irritates me way more than him. :)

  18. Ack. I thought I was the only one with a problem with these gross commercials. They’re worse than watching The Walking Dead on chili night. BTW, I got a few more owlie pics I took a while back on my blog. I’ll have much more posted to my facebook page soon. Enough owlie goodness to keep you busy for days.

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