Snatch Monster, Muff Mauler and Road Rage. A Rant for all Seasons! :)

Alrighty then…since I’ve used absolutely no tact in my title, I might as well follow suit in my post. Prepare yourself for a flurry of fucks, a smattering of shits (wow, that just sounds nasty) and a bombardment of bitches! ;)

How, you may ask, do muff and road rage go together? Well, I’ll tell ya. Being a girl, I’m blessed (cursed!) to have girl parts. As such, I must make a yearly trip to the snatch monster to ensure that said girl parts are still in one piece and functioning according to warranty. Is this a fun trip? No. Do I enjoy it? No. Could I do without? Yes. Though I must admit my snatch monster is simply delightful. I love her. So, I guess if one has to endure such humiliating things as, “Put your feet in the stirrups. Scootch down a little further. Now spread ’em. A little more…even more. Thanks,” all the while watching her move a spotlight onto my goods while praying no one is peeking through the crack in the venetian blinds, it’s at least good to love your Snatch Monster.

Just so you know, fellas, I really, really, really hate you for not having to suffer the equivalent junk misery every year of your life. I mean, I love men, but I resent the shit out of having to endure all this muff torture while you just sit pretty with all your external parts. It’s just not fair. I know, I know, life ain’t fair. That doesn’t mean I can’t bitch and whine about it though! ;)

So, that adventure is what took me out of the house yesterday and led me to my first batch of road rage–which we’ll get to in a minute.

Today, I had to go back to the doctor, but this time for the Muff Mauler. Yep, I’ve been violated by a Monster and a Mauler all in the course of 24 hours. I mean, really…what the fuck? Is not once a year bad enough? Twice in as many days? That is just unfair. This visit was to check out my girlie organs and make sure all is well (all is well, thank God!). For those of you who don’t know how this is done, they take a thigh-sized implement of death and jam it in you until it feels like it’s in your esophagus and then they root around like they are mining for gold. YUCK!!! NOT FUN!!! It’s not horribly painful, but it ain’t a walk in a field of lavender either. This visit, of course, is the reason for my second foray into road rage.

Here’s what I think about other drivers (keeping in mind that I’m doubly annoyed because of the muff violations):

  1. If you are scared of driving, GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD!!! Good grief. I’m terrified of jumping out of a plane, so guess what? I don’t do it. Maybe you should consider the same thing in regards to driving. Unless you’ve recently been gut-shot by a large caliber weapon and are driving to the emergency room, or have just gotten out of the hospital from 3 horrible surgeries and every piece of gravel on the road is torturous to your poor little healing body, you have NO EXCUSE for DLAT (driving like a twat).
  2. If you can’t drive AT LEAST the speed limit, or preferably 10 miles over it, then GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD!!! There is no excuse for driving 30 on a 40 mph road. The accelerator is your friend. Use the fucking thing before I run you over and dance on your mangled corpse.
  3. If you are on the freeway DRIVE FAST ASSHAT as that is what the freeway is for. If you want to drive 45 miles per hour, get on a side street. I’ll never understand why people get on the freeway and drive like they are getting paid for going slow. It makes me want to ram into you, cut you off, side swipe you and then call you a fuckface over and over again until I’m hoarse.
  4. If you are going to turn or merge into another lane, USE YOUR SONOFABITCHING TURN SIGNAL! I hope there is a special level of Hell for people who assume that at 70 mph I can read your mind and know exactly when you plan on merging in front of me with only 3 feet to spare. Can I say asshole????
  5. If you are driving on the freeway in rush hour at 30 mph and all of a sudden the lanes open up (which I’ll never understand why or how that happens) then SPEED THE FUCK UP! Why do you keep going 30 mph in a 65 mph zone when there isn’t a car in front of you? WHY? Why God, why do they do it??
  6. If you see me coming, just move the fuck over and let me by. That way, we can all be happy and safe. ;)
How people really feel while driving!

How people really feel while driving!

Whew, that was exhausting! Driving these last two days in rush hour (I have to make my appointments late in the afternoon so I don’t miss work) has made me 4,000,000 times more thankful that I have a job where I get to work from home. I’m not sure that I could do the whole rush hour thing daily. I used to have to drive 75 miles each way in rush hour and I don’t know how I’m not in prison.

Thank you, as always, for putting up with my horrible mouth, my unending sarcasm and my delight in ranting. I feel SO much better now that that is all off my chest (doesn’t it always look weird when you have “that that”  in a sentence?).

Have a great weekend! Hugs!

R.I.P. sweet little hamster


Well, dammit.

Less than 24 hours ago I was counting my blessings, including the fact that my old ass hamster was still amongst the living. Little did I know he only had 8 hours of life left.

I love you Hamster. Mommy and Daddy miss you tremendously. There will never be a fuzzy-butted little hamster anywhere near as wonderful and sweet as you.

Little Hamster’s first day with his new family. SWAK!

Daddy, after a hard day’s work, playing with the little guy. He loved little Hamster too.

Our sweet little baby his first night in his new home.


Things for which I’m forever thankful…


My goodness. Where to even begin?

First and foremost, I hope all of you are having a wonderful Thanksgiving. While family can sometimes make us wanna go sit in the garage with the door closed and the car running, I hope that none of you have that feeling today. May all of your friends and family take their happy pills so that everyone has a delightful day. :)

I think this was 1979. Check out that wallpaper!

Now, on to my list of blessings for which I truly am grateful.

  1. I am blessed to have the world’s most amazing mom. At almost 74 she is still peppy and fun and healthy and sweet. May she live another 50 years.
  2. I am blessed to have a wonderful sister. We may have pulled each others hair more than once while growing up, but we’ve always been there for one another through the years and I’m so very thankful to have her as not only my sister, but as my friend.
  3. I am blessed to have my aunt still with us even though she has been fighting stage 4 cancer for the last year. Her courage is simply amazing and God has blessed her with more time than we ever could have hoped for.
  4. I am blessed to have married the most wonderful man on earth. He is kind every day. He shows his love for me every day. He is encouraging, supportive, thoughtful, has amazing biceps and a smile that lights the world.
  5. I am blessed to have 2 awesome kitties (one of whom is licking my arm right now), 2 precious chickens and an old ass hamster that is somehow still amongst the living.
  6. I am blessed to have survived many a physical challenge and am still around to annoy and pester people on a regular basis.
  7. I am blessed to have been raised in a way that gives me peace every day of my life. Thank you, Mom, for helping me see how wonderful God is (I know–shocking coming from someone with a potty mouth like me!).
  8. I am blessed to have been raised to be strong, independent, kind, smart-assed (Mom does NOT want to take credit for that last one!) and cheerful.
  9. I am blessed to have friends that put up with me. I hibernate often and hate the phone more than chicken pox, and my true friends understand that my hibernation does not spring from a lack of love. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.
  10. I am blessed that God gave me a brain with which to think, a voice with which to speak and fingers that can fly over a keyboard with only a few typos per minute.
  11. I am blessed that I have a day job which allows me to help kids become better readers and understand math in a way that I never did. A little giving back is a good thing.
  12. I am blessed to have a life that is more satisfying and wonderful and deliriously happy than I ever thought possible.

Beyond all of that, there are just a few other things for which I’m thankful.

  1. I am thankful that I have cute toes and don’t have some giant piggy-that-stayed-home finger-length-toe that is an inch longer than my big toe.
  2. I am thankful that I have a billion teddy bears that my hubby loves and makes sing and dance and talk (and hump sometimes–it’s gross but funny as hell).
  3. I am thankful that I have almost no hair on my legs–man, shaving those suckers always sucked. Now it’s not really an issue. Whew!
  4. I am thankful that my hubby lets me decorate the house. If I had to argue about what to buy every time I wanted to buy something, I’d pull my hair out and/or kill him with a hammer.
  5. I am thankful that my books are doing so well (you guys have helped with that tremendously and I love you for it!!!).
  6. I am thankful for all of our outdoor kitties that have adopted us. I love all of them: Extra cat, Little gray kitty, Vest kitty, Mittens kitty…
  7. I am thankful that my friend Brenda introduced me to the “F” word when I was in 4th grade. I simply love that word, as you all well know!

Last but not least, I am thankful for all of my wonderful blogging buddies. You guys always bring me such joy and your comments and support and sweetness mean so much to me. Tons of love to all of you and may your lives be blessed every day and may you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and holiday season.


PS: For those of you who read my sweet potato blog, the foil container in front of the cans of soda contains the Salmonella turkey leg that just about killed us all. We just tried to cook a leg, not even a whole turkey, and about died. Oh, and we were, well…ummm…not of sound mind while cooking (as you can tell by my very screwed up looking face) so it’s no wonder food poisoning was also on the menu! :)

Yep, I’m a little “goofy” in this pic. Where are my eyes??
Shockingly, I used to be quite naughty. :)





Holy shitcakes. My hubby is down for the count with the flu and I have to cook Thanksgiving dinner. Now, you may ask yourself–doesn’t she have a cookbook out? Why would cooking Thanksgiving dinner be scary? Well, IT IS!!! I’M FREAKING OUT PEOPLE!! ;)

This is me right now.

Here’s what I’m going to make:

  1. Turkey–kill me…the only time I ever made poultry before I almost killed everyone with food poisoning
  2. Cheesy taters–I got this one nailed, and the recipe is in the book so you can have it too!
  3. Green bean casserole–how hard can it be? Right?
  4. Sweet potato and marshmallow casserole–I NEED YOUR HELP!!! I need THE EASIEST recipe on earth. If you have one, will you please post it? Pretty please??
  5. Stuffing–mom is making this–whew! (recipe in the book)
  6. Strawberry angel food cake delight–a blind cat could make this. (recipe in the book too)

I’ve not cooked this much on one day EVER in my life, and I’m more than a bit nervous. Any help you can be with a sweet potato marshmallow casserole recipe (that is ridiculously easy) would be awesome!!! THANK YOU!!!




I’m going to explode from terror, excitement and more terror!!!

I’m going to be on NATIONAL MO FOing TV!!!

I’m going to do a cooking segment on WGN out of Chicago–but it’s broadcast nationally.

I’m going to go pass out now. HOLY SHITCAKES!!!

This is my HOLY SHITCAKES face!