Snatch Monster, Muff Mauler and Road Rage. A Rant for all Seasons! :)

Alrighty then…since I’ve used absolutely no tact in my title, I might as well follow suit in my post. Prepare yourself for a flurry of fucks, a smattering of shits (wow, that just sounds nasty) and a bombardment of bitches! ;)

How, you may ask, do muff and road rage go together? Well, I’ll tell ya. Being a girl, I’m blessed (cursed!) to have girl parts. As such, I must make a yearly trip to the snatch monster to ensure that said girl parts are still in one piece and functioning according to warranty. Is this a fun trip? No. Do I enjoy it? No. Could I do without? Yes. Though I must admit my snatch monster is simply delightful. I love her. So, I guess if one has to endure such humiliating things as, “Put your feet in the stirrups. Scootch down a little further. Now spread ‘em. A little more…even more. Thanks,” all the while watching her move a spotlight onto my goods while praying no one is peeking through the crack in the venetian blinds, it’s at least good to love your Snatch Monster.

Just so you know, fellas, I really, really, really hate you for not having to suffer the equivalent junk misery every year of your life. I mean, I love men, but I resent the shit out of having to endure all this muff torture while you just sit pretty with all your external parts. It’s just not fair. I know, I know, life ain’t fair. That doesn’t mean I can’t bitch and whine about it though! ;)

So, that adventure is what took me out of the house yesterday and led me to my first batch of road rage–which we’ll get to in a minute.

Today, I had to go back to the doctor, but this time for the Muff Mauler. Yep, I’ve been violated by a Monster and a Mauler all in the course of 24 hours. I mean, really…what the fuck? Is not once a year bad enough? Twice in as many days? That is just unfair. This visit was to check out my girlie organs and make sure all is well (all is well, thank God!). For those of you who don’t know how this is done, they take a thigh-sized implement of death and jam it in you until it feels like it’s in your esophagus and then they root around like they are mining for gold. YUCK!!! NOT FUN!!! It’s not horribly painful, but it ain’t a walk in a field of lavender either. This visit, of course, is the reason for my second foray into road rage.

Here’s what I think about other drivers (keeping in mind that I’m doubly annoyed because of the muff violations):

  1. If you are scared of driving, GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD!!! Good grief. I’m terrified of jumping out of a plane, so guess what? I don’t do it. Maybe you should consider the same thing in regards to driving. Unless you’ve recently been gut-shot by a large caliber weapon and are driving to the emergency room, or have just gotten out of the hospital from 3 horrible surgeries and every piece of gravel on the road is torturous to your poor little healing body, you have NO EXCUSE for DLAT (driving like a twat).
  2. If you can’t drive AT LEAST the speed limit, or preferably 10 miles over it, then GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD!!! There is no excuse for driving 30 on a 40 mph road. The accelerator is your friend. Use the fucking thing before I run you over and dance on your mangled corpse.
  3. If you are on the freeway DRIVE FAST ASSHAT as that is what the freeway is for. If you want to drive 45 miles per hour, get on a side street. I’ll never understand why people get on the freeway and drive like they are getting paid for going slow. It makes me want to ram into you, cut you off, side swipe you and then call you a fuckface over and over again until I’m hoarse.
  4. If you are going to turn or merge into another lane, USE YOUR SONOFABITCHING TURN SIGNAL! I hope there is a special level of Hell for people who assume that at 70 mph I can read your mind and know exactly when you plan on merging in front of me with only 3 feet to spare. Can I say asshole????
  5. If you are driving on the freeway in rush hour at 30 mph and all of a sudden the lanes open up (which I’ll never understand why or how that happens) then SPEED THE FUCK UP! Why do you keep going 30 mph in a 65 mph zone when there isn’t a car in front of you? WHY? Why God, why do they do it??
  6. If you see me coming, just move the fuck over and let me by. That way, we can all be happy and safe. ;)
How people really feel while driving!

How people really feel while driving!

Whew, that was exhausting! Driving these last two days in rush hour (I have to make my appointments late in the afternoon so I don’t miss work) has made me 4,000,000 times more thankful that I have a job where I get to work from home. I’m not sure that I could do the whole rush hour thing daily. I used to have to drive 75 miles each way in rush hour and I don’t know how I’m not in prison.

Thank you, as always, for putting up with my horrible mouth, my unending sarcasm and my delight in ranting. I feel SO much better now that that is all off my chest (doesn’t it always look weird when you have “that that”  in a sentence?).

Have a great weekend! Hugs!

R.I.P. sweet little hamster

 

Well, dammit.

Less than 24 hours ago I was counting my blessings, including the fact that my old ass hamster was still amongst the living. Little did I know he only had 8 hours of life left.

I love you Hamster. Mommy and Daddy miss you tremendously. There will never be a fuzzy-butted little hamster anywhere near as wonderful and sweet as you.

Little Hamster’s first day with his new family. SWAK!

Daddy, after a hard day’s work, playing with the little guy. He loved little Hamster too.

Our sweet little baby his first night in his new home.

 

Things for which I’m forever thankful…

 

My goodness. Where to even begin?

First and foremost, I hope all of you are having a wonderful Thanksgiving. While family can sometimes make us wanna go sit in the garage with the door closed and the car running, I hope that none of you have that feeling today. May all of your friends and family take their happy pills so that everyone has a delightful day. :)

I think this was 1979. Check out that wallpaper!
Mmmm…yummies!

Now, on to my list of blessings for which I truly am grateful.

  1. I am blessed to have the world’s most amazing mom. At almost 74 she is still peppy and fun and healthy and sweet. May she live another 50 years.
  2. I am blessed to have a wonderful sister. We may have pulled each others hair more than once while growing up, but we’ve always been there for one another through the years and I’m so very thankful to have her as not only my sister, but as my friend.
  3. I am blessed to have my aunt still with us even though she has been fighting stage 4 cancer for the last year. Her courage is simply amazing and God has blessed her with more time than we ever could have hoped for.
  4. I am blessed to have married the most wonderful man on earth. He is kind every day. He shows his love for me every day. He is encouraging, supportive, thoughtful, has amazing biceps and a smile that lights the world.
  5. I am blessed to have 2 awesome kitties (one of whom is licking my arm right now), 2 precious chickens and an old ass hamster that is somehow still amongst the living.
  6. I am blessed to have survived many a physical challenge and am still around to annoy and pester people on a regular basis.
  7. I am blessed to have been raised in a way that gives me peace every day of my life. Thank you, Mom, for helping me see how wonderful God is (I know–shocking coming from someone with a potty mouth like me!).
  8. I am blessed to have been raised to be strong, independent, kind, smart-assed (Mom does NOT want to take credit for that last one!) and cheerful.
  9. I am blessed to have friends that put up with me. I hibernate often and hate the phone more than chicken pox, and my true friends understand that my hibernation does not spring from a lack of love. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.
  10. I am blessed that God gave me a brain with which to think, a voice with which to speak and fingers that can fly over a keyboard with only a few typos per minute.
  11. I am blessed that I have a day job which allows me to help kids become better readers and understand math in a way that I never did. A little giving back is a good thing.
  12. I am blessed to have a life that is more satisfying and wonderful and deliriously happy than I ever thought possible.

Beyond all of that, there are just a few other things for which I’m thankful.

  1. I am thankful that I have cute toes and don’t have some giant piggy-that-stayed-home finger-length-toe that is an inch longer than my big toe.
  2. I am thankful that I have a billion teddy bears that my hubby loves and makes sing and dance and talk (and hump sometimes–it’s gross but funny as hell).
  3. I am thankful that I have almost no hair on my legs–man, shaving those suckers always sucked. Now it’s not really an issue. Whew!
  4. I am thankful that my hubby lets me decorate the house. If I had to argue about what to buy every time I wanted to buy something, I’d pull my hair out and/or kill him with a hammer.
  5. I am thankful that my books are doing so well (you guys have helped with that tremendously and I love you for it!!!).
  6. I am thankful for all of our outdoor kitties that have adopted us. I love all of them: Extra cat, Little gray kitty, Vest kitty, Mittens kitty…
  7. I am thankful that my friend Brenda introduced me to the “F” word when I was in 4th grade. I simply love that word, as you all well know!

Last but not least, I am thankful for all of my wonderful blogging buddies. You guys always bring me such joy and your comments and support and sweetness mean so much to me. Tons of love to all of you and may your lives be blessed every day and may you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and holiday season.

HUGS!!!

PS: For those of you who read my sweet potato blog, the foil container in front of the cans of soda contains the Salmonella turkey leg that just about killed us all. We just tried to cook a leg, not even a whole turkey, and about died. Oh, and we were, well…ummm…not of sound mind while cooking (as you can tell by my very screwed up looking face) so it’s no wonder food poisoning was also on the menu! :)

Yep, I’m a little “goofy” in this pic. Where are my eyes??
Shockingly, I used to be quite naughty. :)

 

 

I DESPERATELY NEED YOUR SWEET POTATO AND MARSHMALLOW RECIPE!!!

 

Holy shitcakes. My hubby is down for the count with the flu and I have to cook Thanksgiving dinner. Now, you may ask yourself–doesn’t she have a cookbook out? Why would cooking Thanksgiving dinner be scary? Well, IT IS!!! I’M FREAKING OUT PEOPLE!! ;)

This is me right now.
HELP!!

Here’s what I’m going to make:

  1. Turkey–kill me…the only time I ever made poultry before I almost killed everyone with food poisoning
  2. Cheesy taters–I got this one nailed, and the recipe is in the book so you can have it too!
  3. Green bean casserole–how hard can it be? Right?
  4. Sweet potato and marshmallow casserole–I NEED YOUR HELP!!! I need THE EASIEST recipe on earth. If you have one, will you please post it? Pretty please??
  5. Stuffing–mom is making this–whew! (recipe in the book)
  6. Strawberry angel food cake delight–a blind cat could make this. (recipe in the book too)

I’ve not cooked this much on one day EVER in my life, and I’m more than a bit nervous. Any help you can be with a sweet potato marshmallow casserole recipe (that is ridiculously easy) would be awesome!!! THANK YOU!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

HOLY CRAP! OH MY GOD! I’M FREAKING OUT! HAPPINESS!!

 

I’m going to explode from terror, excitement and more terror!!!

I’m going to be on NATIONAL MO FOing TV!!!

I’m going to do a cooking segment on WGN out of Chicago–but it’s broadcast nationally.

I’m going to go pass out now. HOLY SHITCAKES!!!

This is my HOLY SHITCAKES face!

 

Sesame Street Sham! My Childhood Memories are Shattered!

What is this critter with Big Bird called?

Sound it out slowly. How would you spell it?

My whole life he’s been the Snuffaluffagus. ALL Fs, mo fo. ALL Fs!!!! Well, wasn’t I horrified when I found out he’s the Snuffleupagus. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??? It’s a travesty, that’s what it is. There ain’t no Ps in his name. That’s just wrong.

He will forever in my heart be the Snuffaluffagus. Period.

Okay, that was a weird post. :) It was just one of those things where I’m like…wha??? Wha??? P? Really? Yeah, I’m going to shut up now.

HUGS from a fruitcake!

 

Sneak peek from my Darn Good Eats cookbook! Prepare yourself for some serious YUM!

Mom’s Spaghetti Sauce (with extra Jodi spice)

I’m going to sneak to all of you…drum roll please…my mom’s famous spaghetti sauce recipe!  It may have morphed a bit over the years, but Mom was the creator of this zesty treat and I’ve just kind of kicked it up a spicy notch. Speaking of spicy notches, if you are the heartburn-getting type you do NOT want to do this. Put the book down. Walk away from the kitchen. Save yourself.

Before we get started, know that you will be making enough spaghetti sauce to feed your family and the family down the street more than once. I simply refuse to make something like this in small batches. Why would anyone waste all this time making enough for one or two meals? That just seems silly to me. So, make sure you have a bunch of food storage containers and space in the fridge—you are going to need it.

Goodies needed from the store:

  • 1½ – 2 pounds of hamburger (doesn’t have to be lean—the more grease, the better)
  • A one-pound package of spicy Italian sausages (you can use turkey sausage if you want to save some calories)
  • 3/4 of a green pepper
  • 3/4 of a medium/large white or yellow onion
  • Three 28-ounce cans of crushed tomatoes
  • One 28-ounce can of tomato sauce
  • Three 28-ounce cans of petite diced tomatoes (none of that pre-spiced stuff though)
  • Half of one of those tiny cans of tomato paste (the hubby and I always whine about the fact that even those tiny cans are too big. Why can’t they make a half-sized tiny can? Who uses a whole can?)
  • Between 8 – 12 cloves of minced garlic (or a ton of garlic salt)
  • Italian seasoning, to taste
  • Crushed red pepper flakes, to taste
  • Salt, to taste
  • OPTIONAL: A sprinkle of freshly-grated Parmesan cheese never hurts as a nice topping on the spaghetti
  • OPTIONAL: 6 basil leaves, chopped

Putting it all together:

  1. Peel the skin off the sausage, (ewwww!) then slice into half-inch slices.
  2. Brown the sausage until thoroughly cooked and then set aside in a bowl. Don’t throw out the grease. The grease makes the sauce even better.
  3. Cut up the green pepper into large chunks (I always take these chunks out after the sauce has cooked for several hours as I don’t like eating chunks of green pepper–blech!).
  4. Dice the onion into fairly small pieces.
  5. Mince or cut the garlic into to small pieces.
  6. Combine the garlic, green pepper, onion and hamburger in a frying pan and brown all together. Stir often as you don’t want the hamburger to get chunky and stick together. You want it to be pretty crumbly.
  7. Once the hamburger is thoroughly cooked (no pink) dump everything, including the sausage and grease, into an enormous pot. You are going to be making enough for an army! Leftover sauce is the best thing on planet earth.
  8. Add all the tomato stuff and stir.
  9. Add a thin layer of Italian seasoning across the entire top of the sauce. I don’t have a specific measurement here, I just coat the top of the sauce and that usually works.
  10. Add crushed red pepper flakes, to taste—I like it spicy so I probably usually put in a little less than a tablespoon.
  11. Add salt. I crave salt in my sleep so I use a fair amount. If you are a normal person just chuck in a little and as it cooks add more in small amounts until it’s got enough.
  12. Cook on low, stirring frequently, for as many hours as you can take the yummy smell before attacking the pot.
  13. If you like basil you can chuck about 6 chopped leaves into the sauce about an hour before it’s finished cooking. I usually don’t, but my hubby sneaks it in. Stinker! It’s that dang chef part of him that just has to mess with my recipes!

I wrote earlier that a little fresh Parmesan cheese never hurts. I was wrong. This is what happens when non-chefs try to be chefs:

 

I grated my thumb. Yes, we ate thumb-laced Parmesan cheese on top of our spaghetti. Do yourself and your thumb a favor and just buy the Parmesan at the store that is pre-grated. If you want it to be fancy, you can get the shaved Parmesan in the cheese section of the store. It looks very pretty and is far less bloody atop your awesome spaghetti.

I serve this on regular spaghetti noodles. Nothing fancy. No fettuccine as it’s flat and stupid and should only be used with Alfredo sauce. No angel hair as it’s too thin for the heavy sauce. Just normal spaghetti.

Serve all of this with some yummy, butter-soaked garlic bread (mmmmm…garlic bread…) and you will have an AWESOME dinner that really is pretty easy to make. With that amount of sauce, a family of 4 could live off of it for days and days. Whatever is left over after 3 or 4 days, just freeze. It’s just as good out of the freezer a month from now.

Dragon-breath-o-meter:

PS: I promised How to Online Date that I’d post this recipe, so here it is! :)

MY KICK BUTT NEW COOKBOOK IS AVAILABLE! Yay! Happiness!

I am soooooooooooooooooooooo happy to tell you that my new cookbook is available as of this morning! Woo hoo!!!

Yay!!!!! Here it is!

For those of you who haven’t heard me talk about it before, here’s the blurb from the back of the book so that you know that it’s a cookbook with a rather different spin on cooking.  :)

Whether you love to cook or would rather starve than spend time in a kitchen, Darn Good Eats: The Cookbook for Creative Chefs and Reluctant Cooks is for you!

Reluctant Cook and author Jodi Ambrose teamed up with her Creative Chef husband, Grant, to bring you a cookbook with an unusual twist. Darn Good Eats provides scrumptious recipes for both the kitchen aficionado and the bumbling cook. Pooling together all of their combined kitchen savvy, they’ve created a cookbook that applies to anyone and everyone.

Along with a list of must-have items for your kitchen, helpful measurement conversions, delightful personal anecdotes and a witty sense of humor, this cookbook delivers over 70 delectable and inspired recipes for both the kitchen novice and cooking expert. You no longer have to be a good cook to make great food.

So that it’s easy to navigate, the cookbook is split into two parts. The first part is for Creative Chefs who love, or at least like, to cook. It contains tantalizing recipes which range from simple to challenging and are bound to be crowd-pleasers. The second part is for people who prefer eating over cooking and find the kitchen to be more of a chore than a delight. The Reluctant Cook will now have a wonderful array of options for making “homemade” meals that (shhh…don’t tell) in some cases are far from homemade, but are still mouthwateringly delicious.

Whether you love or hate the kitchen, Darn Good Eats: The Cookbook for Creative Chefs and Reluctant Cooks has plenty of tasty recipes to please even the most discerning palate. We know that you’ll enjoy both the food and fun contained within this cookbook and we wish for you many happy and delicious meals.

I’ve published both a full-color interior version and a black & white interior version so that it’s affordable for everyone and if you want to get some as holiday presents you have a choice on which one to get. Both have the full-color cover.

As of right now, you can get them at Amazon as printed books. In the near future, they’ll be available for the Kindle and Nook, but formatting them (especially with bullets and numbered lists) is a NIGHTMARE and takes forever. You’d think that Kindle and Nook would have figured out how to properly format something so simple by now. Over the next couple of months, the black & white interior version will be available online at Barnes & Noble and other places, but you can get them at Amazon today.

Here’s the link to the color version on Amazon: CLICK HERE TO GET A COPY

Here’s the link to the black & white version on Amazon: CLICK HERE TOO!

I hope you guys love the cookbook! My hubby and I worked very hard to bring you the recipes that we love the most, with just a little bit of sass thrown in the mix. No worries though. For a change of pace there are no F-bombs in one of my books. ;) This one is rated G.

Hugs!! Enjoy!!!