Snatch Monster, Muff Mauler and Road Rage. A Rant for all Seasons! :)

Alrighty then…since I’ve used absolutely no tact in my title, I might as well follow suit in my post. Prepare yourself for a flurry of fucks, a smattering of shits (wow, that just sounds nasty) and a bombardment of bitches! ;)

How, you may ask, do muff and road rage go together? Well, I’ll tell ya. Being a girl, I’m blessed (cursed!) to have girl parts. As such, I must make a yearly trip to the snatch monster to ensure that said girl parts are still in one piece and functioning according to warranty. Is this a fun trip? No. Do I enjoy it? No. Could I do without? Yes. Though I must admit my snatch monster is simply delightful. I love her. So, I guess if one has to endure such humiliating things as, “Put your feet in the stirrups. Scootch down a little further. Now spread ‘em. A little more…even more. Thanks,” all the while watching her move a spotlight onto my goods while praying no one is peeking through the crack in the venetian blinds, it’s at least good to love your Snatch Monster.

Just so you know, fellas, I really, really, really hate you for not having to suffer the equivalent junk misery every year of your life. I mean, I love men, but I resent the shit out of having to endure all this muff torture while you just sit pretty with all your external parts. It’s just not fair. I know, I know, life ain’t fair. That doesn’t mean I can’t bitch and whine about it though! ;)

So, that adventure is what took me out of the house yesterday and led me to my first batch of road rage–which we’ll get to in a minute.

Today, I had to go back to the doctor, but this time for the Muff Mauler. Yep, I’ve been violated by a Monster and a Mauler all in the course of 24 hours. I mean, really…what the fuck? Is not once a year bad enough? Twice in as many days? That is just unfair. This visit was to check out my girlie organs and make sure all is well (all is well, thank God!). For those of you who don’t know how this is done, they take a thigh-sized implement of death and jam it in you until it feels like it’s in your esophagus and then they root around like they are mining for gold. YUCK!!! NOT FUN!!! It’s not horribly painful, but it ain’t a walk in a field of lavender either. This visit, of course, is the reason for my second foray into road rage.

Here’s what I think about other drivers (keeping in mind that I’m doubly annoyed because of the muff violations):

  1. If you are scared of driving, GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD!!! Good grief. I’m terrified of jumping out of a plane, so guess what? I don’t do it. Maybe you should consider the same thing in regards to driving. Unless you’ve recently been gut-shot by a large caliber weapon and are driving to the emergency room, or have just gotten out of the hospital from 3 horrible surgeries and every piece of gravel on the road is torturous to your poor little healing body, you have NO EXCUSE for DLAT (driving like a twat).
  2. If you can’t drive AT LEAST the speed limit, or preferably 10 miles over it, then GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD!!! There is no excuse for driving 30 on a 40 mph road. The accelerator is your friend. Use the fucking thing before I run you over and dance on your mangled corpse.
  3. If you are on the freeway DRIVE FAST ASSHAT as that is what the freeway is for. If you want to drive 45 miles per hour, get on a side street. I’ll never understand why people get on the freeway and drive like they are getting paid for going slow. It makes me want to ram into you, cut you off, side swipe you and then call you a fuckface over and over again until I’m hoarse.
  4. If you are going to turn or merge into another lane, USE YOUR SONOFABITCHING TURN SIGNAL! I hope there is a special level of Hell for people who assume that at 70 mph I can read your mind and know exactly when you plan on merging in front of me with only 3 feet to spare. Can I say asshole????
  5. If you are driving on the freeway in rush hour at 30 mph and all of a sudden the lanes open up (which I’ll never understand why or how that happens) then SPEED THE FUCK UP! Why do you keep going 30 mph in a 65 mph zone when there isn’t a car in front of you? WHY? Why God, why do they do it??
  6. If you see me coming, just move the fuck over and let me by. That way, we can all be happy and safe. ;)
How people really feel while driving!

How people really feel while driving!

Whew, that was exhausting! Driving these last two days in rush hour (I have to make my appointments late in the afternoon so I don’t miss work) has made me 4,000,000 times more thankful that I have a job where I get to work from home. I’m not sure that I could do the whole rush hour thing daily. I used to have to drive 75 miles each way in rush hour and I don’t know how I’m not in prison.

Thank you, as always, for putting up with my horrible mouth, my unending sarcasm and my delight in ranting. I feel SO much better now that that is all off my chest (doesn’t it always look weird when you have “that that”  in a sentence?).

Have a great weekend! Hugs!

44 comments on “Snatch Monster, Muff Mauler and Road Rage. A Rant for all Seasons! :)

  1. I’ll admit, we don’t have it as hard as you ladies when it comes to seeing the doc. The whole drop your drawers and cough thing is pretty easy for us. BUT… and this is a big BUT… or maybe its a big BUTT… unfortunately when us guys hit around the age of 40, we have to start having prostate exams. That’s where, you know, the friendly doc inserts his lubed up finger into your… umm… yeah, that… and feels around for what seems like an eternity. So, there is that… if it makes you feel any better! :-)

    • Ewwwww!!!! Finger butts! You poor things! Icky! Nothing like a scavenger hunt in your nether regions. Lordy… You know, as soon as I read your comment I said to the hubby, “Next year you should go in for a complete physical.” He’s never had one and he’s almost 42. Getting him to the doctor is nothing short of a miracle. It took me 2 years to get him to a dentist. He hadn’t been in over 20 years. He walked around with a metal splinter in his eye for 3 days before mentioning it to me–I of course immediately shoved his ass into the car and took him to the ER. Holy hell he’s stubborn when it comes to doctors!! :) Oh, and yes, hearing about prostate exams definitely took the edge off of my man-hating rage. :)

  2. I can relate to your road rage. I have commuted to work more than an hour. A little drizzle can be catastrophic to traffic!

    As to your “foul mouth” I enjoy it. I talk like that and write like that too (though I am a bit more restrained – fucking Catholic upbringing.

    • Glad the foul mouth didn’t have you running for the hills. I just cannot filter when it comes to muffs and machines. ;) And hour each way can be simply hideous! I know what that’s like and it is torture. When I had the 75 mile each way commute I’d get up at 4am just so I could beat all the traffic in the morning. As a night owl, let me tell you, that sucked sooooooooooo much! :) As for your “fucking Catholic upbringing” I laughed my ass off when I read that!!! Reformed Catholics are some of the best cussers out there–I’m in good company!! ;)

  3. Please ALWAYS express your rage on your blog, it’s highly enjoyable!! Not so much with the snatch monster and muff mauler, although I love the creative names! It’s so unfair what we have to go through just because our organs aren’t external. What the fuck! And man oh man, do I feel you on the road rage thing. You crack me up but it’s true. Like at least 80% of all drivers need to GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD! Like seriously, if you want to go so slow, drive a fucking bike! :D Excuse my potty mouth.

    • Oh my God…your comment cracks me up!!! I love it when you get all mouthy. It always makes me giggle!!! :) I’m going to put one of those lighted signs in my car that says exactly what you wrote, “If you want to go slow, ride a fucking bike (OR GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!).” ;)

    • Thank the good Lord I like her. I gave her a signed copy of the cookbook addressed to, “My Beautiful, Smart, Funny, Lovely Snatch Monster.” She loved it. :) If I gotta go through that pain in the tush, at least she’s awesome. :)

    • You are quite welcome! Glad I could give you a giggle. :) It was the 101 South from North Scottsdale to the 202 East. Though the 10 is just as hideous. I was ready to pull my hair out!! :) One of these days I’ll be able to be back in a small town. I grew up in one and I remember it was frustrating when there were 4 cars in front of you at the light. I was spoiled and didn’t even know it. Ahhhh…the good ole days. :)

      • Lol, you know after I left my comment I realized the 17 is worse in rush hour traffic. I would carefully time any trip that involved 17. Hope you get to move back to a small town again, although the leaden foot is a hazard in them, too easy to get pulled over, I know I have a very heavy foot.

      • My foot is made of lead, dipped in steel, dipped in concrete and then dipped in lead again! ;) If I lived in a small town again, I’d have to get a 2 cylinder car (do they make those?) so that I could put the pedal to the medal and still only top out at 40mph! ;) Oh yeah, the 17 SUCKS!!!! I refuse to go further west than 60th street if I have any choice in the matter. Luckily, the only time I’m on 17 is if I’m heading to/from Flag. Thank God.

      • When we lived out there we lived in Buckeye, so definitely the very west. We mainly stayed around Goodyear or Avondale for most of our needs simply because I hated the freeways.

  4. My mother always used to drive at 40 on the motorway (limit is 70) and would wonder why people get annoyed at her. She would never drive into traffic, she wouldn’t use a roundabout if she could help it. So the world breathed a sigh of relief when she was medically unfit to drive (admittedly the reason wasn’t good but the fact that she was allowed to drive made the world a safer place)

  5. When I went for my most recent annual checkup, the blinds in the examining room were open and my muff monster was facing a parking lot and some townhouses! At least, it would have been if I hadn’t closed the blinds. That’s really bad feng shui!

    Also, I would like to put in a plea for people to let me into their lane when I put on my turning signal. Each year in the winter I drive from Alberta to California (a four day drive) and back in the spring. The further south I drive, the fewer people make space for lane-changing!

    • That is horrifying!!! You’d think a muff monster, of all doctors, would know to keep the blinds shut! There’s probably some pervert with a hidden camera streaming live video of gyno exams through that window. I’m officially disturbed.

      And I totally agree that drivers should be more polite and let other drivers into their lane when they use a turn signal. I almost always do (but not if they don’t use a signal) because it keeps them from then cutting you off. For happy roads people should: 1) drive fast 2) drive politely 3) get out of my way. ;)

  6. I hail from the land of California, so when I moved to the Phoenix metro area, I almost had an aneurysm. At least California drivers (mostly) know how to drive. They may be giant assholes, but at least they get out of your way. But oh no. The people of Phoenix seem hell bent on keeping you stuck behind them, no matter the cost to my sanity or their personal safety.

    As for the yearly torture known as a pap smear, I hate it. I’ve had to have one every year since I was 16 (I went on hormonal bc to get rid of my migraines), so I was younger than most women when they start getting them, but I have to tell you, I still detest them. As for men’s prostate checks, I still think pap smears (and child birth, as well as our monthly visitors) are a million times worse, if for no other reason then we have to start getting them so much younger than they do, and they don’t get a metal or plastic torture device shoved up their nether regions. Gah.

    • I couldn’t agree more–Phoenix drivers are horrible! I’m from the east coast and never experienced idiots like I do out here. The only place I find more annoying to drive in is Houston. Ugh. Kill me.

      Like you, I started getting my yearly visits early too. My monthly visitor was hell bent on killing me, so I went on the pill the week after I turned 16. So, now it’s been 26 freaking years of getting my muff mauled! Yuck! And you are so right, even with prostate exams, we still have it WAY WAY WAY worse!!!

      • The only person I have no right to complain to is my S.O Joe, and that’s because he was in a really bad car accident & had to spend 8+ months in a hospital bed as a result, but otherwise, I just roll my eyes whenever the older men in my life start complaining about their prostate exams, smh.

  7. “That that” does look weird. Sort of like when someone says, “I do do that.” Weird freakin’ language we speak. Holy crap…there is nothing worse than maintaining one’s muff. Seriously. Did I ever tell you about my very first PAP test? I was 16 and wanted to go on the pill without my parents ever finding out. I went to the local family planning clinic. Well, you know how the stirrups are basically the only thing propping your pasty white ass up with no table underneath? Me, being a PAP test virgin, didn’t have a clue. I wound up doing, perhaps, the most interesting stirrup dismount in gynecological history…I did a full somersault right off the damn thing. Didn’t know what hit me. Just felt my ass hanging in mid air and rolled with it. Literally. Should have seen the amazed (and likely amused) look on the doctor’s face.
    Many years and many “cervical scrapings (ACK!)” later, I am a pro. And I still contemplate a sex change once a month. But part of me would just love to do one more somersault for old time’s sake. Hm. I wonder if I can work out a full gymnastics routine by next July?

    • Muff maintenance is a full on pain in the ass. Well…a pain somewhere! ;) Your naked somersault story is THE BEST VISUAL ever!!! Oh my God. I’d have paid money to see that (in a non-pervy way, I promise!). What a freaking riot. I’d have LOVED to have seen the doctor’s face. Holy cow!!! You are so freaking funny. And yes, I too consider gender reassignment monthly. Men will just never understand. Now, where’s my chocolate? Apparently my girlie hormones are acting up as I NEED CHOCOLATE RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!!!

  8. OMG… I was laughing my Fucking Ass Off reading your post both the “muff monster” and “Idiot drivers” parts

    Ohhhh how I recall the tragic experience of one of my first appoints to check out those girlie parts – Uggghhhh (Will have to post on it – and seeing as how the WP Daily Prompt is Imitation is Flattery…. I’ll have to use you as my imitation tool (or try, considering I doubt I could do you justice – Your one of a kind).

  9. Pingback: #DailyPrompt: Imitation is Flattery – Lady Doctors That shouldn’t Be | Jottings and Writings

  10. GREAT post. When I stopped commuting an hour each way (cutting it down to 15 mins each way), I had a total and complete personality change. My family was like, “Oh! Is that who you are? We’ve never seen you smile before!”

    But, seriously, folks, some people just should not be on the road! I love the line, “If you want to drive slow, ride a fucking bike.” Someone needs to print up some car window shades with that logo on ‘em.

    :>

    • So glad you enjoyed, my new friend. :) I love the idea of having an Autobahn wherever I drive. My thought is that no one else should be allowed to be on the road with me unless they drive like me. Of course, we’d probably all be dead. ;)

  11. I likewise share that sentiment. The bit about driving AT LEAST the speed limit is nearly a word for word quote of an explosive… ahem, commentary I make toward other drivers. At least then I’ll be annoyed with them AT the speed limit instead of under it. :/

    • Great minds, my dear! :) I’ve always wanted to attach a bull horn to my roof so I can yell at other drivers to where they can hear me.
      “Move that piece of shit outta my way!”
      “Get the fuck up the road!”
      “Unless you are dying, there is no excuse for that kind of driving. MOVE IT, YOU FUCK!”
      And on and on and on… Sorry, that was horrible. :)

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