Can a pedicure be a cluster f*ck? Worst fear realized!

The answer is YES. A pedicure can double as both a cluster fuck and a Guantanamo torture session. I learned this lesson just tonight and I promise to be a good girl from now on if the universe promises to never do that to me again.

First, let me set the stage. I’m not a candy ass. I’m a pretty tough chick with a fairly high threshold for pain. So, before you think, “What a baby!” know that I’m one hard bitch. ;)

Second, for those of you who’ve not had a pedicure, this is how it is described in the spa brochure: Relax your feet in a therapeutic, aromatic soak of warm, bubbling water before your nails and cuticles are gently and expertly groomed. The soles of your feet will be delicately buffed to silky softness and your lower legs and feet exfoliated during a relaxing and delightful massage. The finishing touch is your choice of polish color and a one-of-a-kind, artistic design to compliment your pretty feet. Wow! That sounds pretty damn good, right? WHO THE FUCK WOULD HAVE THOUGHT???!!!

So, I stroll my tired feet and half-polished toes into the spa prepared for an hour of delightful relaxation. I have a Starbucks in one hand and the massage chair controller in the other and I’m ready to be pampered. Here’s how it goes from there.

  1. I prepare to put my feet into the pedicure basin, which is so pretty. It has a rotating LED light in it so it turns all these pretty colors and lights up the bubbles. Ahhhh… In they go. FUCK MOTHER FUCKER FUCK FUCK! I yank those suckers out as fast as I can because the water was not hot, it was just this side of boiling. Water droplets went flying everywhere and when a few landed on my pedicurist she hollered, “Ouch!” Yep, even after traveling through the cool evening air, the water was still hot enough to burn her when it landed on her arm. As I looked at my scalded feet there were red splotches all over them all the way up to just past my ankle. Yep, that shit hurt like a mo fo.
  2. After she drains the cauldron and adds normal-hot water to it, I stick my feet in (now, of course, they are tender and overly susceptible to sensation), lean back and relax. She takes my right foot from the water, sets it up on the foot perch, removes the mostly missing nail polish and then starts manicuring my cuticles. Sounds good, right? NO! She attacked my feet with those nippers like she was being paid for every drop of blood she leached out of my toes. With one deft move she dug under my big toenail, pulled the razor-sharp nipper across to the top edge of my nail and yanked it out of the cuticle. WHAT THE HELL!!! I can only assume it’s some trick to make sure you don’t get ingrown toenails, but with the onslaught of blood I’m guessing she did not do it correctly. (For those of you who previously read my post about my biggest fear on earth being kicking my pedicurist in the face, know that my knee-jerk reaction almost realized this fear. I’m going to call it the “twitchy foot” so that I can easily refer to it throughout this post as it happened quite a few times.)
  3. Now that I’m bleeding, she digs into her kit and pulls out what must be a bottle of salt mixed with acid and applies that to my bloodied toe. SON OF A BITCH! (Twitchy foot.)
  4. Once I stopped crying (on the inside) she continued torturing, I mean, cutting my cuticles until there was no skin left on my toes.
  5. Then comes time for the callous remover. Now, keep in mind you pay EXTRA for this. I paid her to do this to me. She put the callous removing lotion all over the bottom of my feet and then started shaving off my skin. Yes, shaving. SHAVING! Which is fine as long she pays attention to what she’s doing. Alas… at that very moment there infiltrates my nose a smell that is a combination of burning wood and rotten eggs. What in the unholy fuckin’ hell is that stench!!!!??? Then I see the woman in the seat next to me with a mortified look on her face. Yep, she dealt the lethal anal air blast and now realized that the smell was worse than burning flesh. Good gracious God. I thought I was going to choke to death. And lucky for me, the smell not only distracted me from my boiled and bleeding feet, but it distracted my darling pedicurist who got into a loud and raucous conversation (in another language) with the pedicurist doing the feet of Fart Woman and while not at all watching what she was doing sheared off a slice of my heel that had my twitchy foot jumping all over the place. Somehow I managed not to kick her in the fuckin’ head, but it was a struggle. I didn’t see any blood drip (yet) so I thought, “Eh, fuck it, I’ll stick it out. How much more damage can she do?” What a dumb ass I am.
  6. Finally, the skin shaving is over (it was like some scene out of Criminal Minds for God’s sake!) and she places my feet back in the water-filled basin. FUUUUUUUCK!!!! Where I was missing skin from the razor debacle the hot, soapy water burned like someone was branding me with a cattle branding thingy (I don’t know what the fuck those things are called…a branding iron maybe?). Again, I got me the twitchy foot.
  7. Okay, so now it’s time for the salt scrub (again, I pay extra for this) which I dearly love getting–any kind of rubby massage is my idea of heaven. But apparently, Mrs. Fart inspired my pedicurist and her neighboring pedicurist to engage in a fun and jovial conversation that was seemingly without end and again she is distracted and not even looking vaguely in my direction as she begins. So, as she applies the gritty, chunky salt to my right leg she’s so swept up in giggling that she forgets to add water to the mix and starts grinding the flesh off of my leg with what feels like the roughest sand paper ever. This SUCKED! It did not feel good, but to be quite honest, at this point the pain was actually starting to get funny. I just kept thinking that it couldn’t keep going on and on and getting worse and worse. Again, I’m a stupid fuck. After about 3 of the longest minutes of my life she realizes that she’s not added any water grim reaper(though she sure as shit added more salt) and adds a bit of water. Whew… that must be what it feels like when giving birth and the baby finally comes the fuck out. Such relief that the worst of the pain is over. Oh, how could I have neglected to mention that the water-free salt scrub probably wouldn’t have been SO damn agonizing if she didn’t have the bony fingers of Death itself. It was like being massaged by the Grim Reaper. Her fingers were small razors of pain.
  8. At last, we are coming towards the end of this and so far I have yet to kick her, call her a bad name or outwardly cry. Total miracle, my friends. Total miracle. As she starts wiping down my legs with a warm towel (mmm…something finally didn’t hurt like hell) I start to relax and then BAM! She does some kind of finger snapping thing on my toes and cracks my baby toe knuckle. Yep. That was it. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I HATE HAVING MY KNUCKLES CRACKED! I lost all control over my foot and where it went and I snapped it away from her as fast as my lizard brain could and missed kicking her in the face by maybe a half a centimeter. Yep. Worst fear realized. She just missed a broken nose. I didn’t do it on purpose. It was like when the doctor taps your knee with the hammer to test your reactions. You can’t help but kick out your leg. That’s what happened to me. I’d been boiled, bled-out, and sliced with a razor. I’d had my leg skin removed with a salt/sand paper massage and suffered through the worst smelling butt assault in recorded history. And dammit, my survival instinct FINALLY kicked in and I kicked out. Good news is that I didn’t make contact–but just by the hair of my chinny chin chin. So, when she asked me moments later if I wanted her to paint a design on my toe I of course agreed out of horror for almost having broken her face. I paid $10 for this:

My poor, poor toes

Do you see a beautiful design? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Is there ten dollars worth of design on my big toe nails? NO! She covered up most of the design (6 stripes of black paint–yep, that is just so special and beautiful and custom and artistic) with the sparkly top coat I had requested and assumed like a fool would go under the design like it has 5,000,000 times before. And I’m not sure if you can tell, but the edges of my big toes are all red and inflamed where she, well, killed them. Ultimately, this pedicure ended up costing me a fortune and I left gimpy, bloody, smelling of chick farts and wanting to die.

Here’s what I think about their pedicure description: Relax your feet in a therapeutic, aromatic soak of warm, bubbling water (LIE! SCALDING IS NOT RELAXING!) before your nails and cuticles are gently and expertly groomed (LIE! BLOOD DOES NOT EQUAL GENTLY, NOR DOES IT EQUAL EXPERTLY). The soles of your feet will be delicately buffed (WITH A RAZOR AND ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BONE) to silky softness (EXPOSED MUSCLE IS NOT SILKY SOFT) and your lower legs and feet exfoliated (SKIN REMOVAL TO THIS EXTENT IS NOT EXFOLIATION, IT’S WHAT ANCIENT TRIBES USED TO DO BEFORE EATING YOU) during a relaxing and delightful massage (THE CRYPT KEEPER DOES NOT GIVE RELAXING AND DELIGHTFUL MASSAGES). The finishing touch is your choice of polish color (THE ONLY TRUE PART OF THIS BLASPHEME) and a one-of-a-kind, artistic design (REALLY? REALLY? 6 BLACK STRIPES YOU CAN BARELY EVEN SEE QUALIFY AS THIS??) to compliment your pretty (BLOODY AND SORE) feet.

Good gracious Lord…I think I need a drink. :)

PS: Forgive any typos. My nails are way too long and I can’t type worth a shit, but I was not about to let her have at my hands after all of this!!! ;)

My two favorite TV show quotes EVER! (Horribly inappropriate and offensive–view at your own risk!!)

The cartoon Archer is one of the best damn cartoons ever–it rivals South Park in the early days. I simply love it. And it has foulness in it that makes me have to pause the TV, choke to death laughing, then rewind so that I can live the horror again.

But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The first one is just funny as shit.

The second one is horrible in so many delicious ways and even comes in a picture (no pun intended!)–someone did me the favor of putting the quote right on the pic.

Turn away if you offend easily.

First quote from Pam (the blonde in the pic below, to her slutty coworker whose name I can never remember):

“Shut your dick holster.”  Ahh…the mental image that gives me. :)

Second quote:

archer

If you don’t know the cartoon, start watching it. It’s on FX Network and is about an organization of super spies who all suffer from one form or another of mental illness. It is AWESOME in its awfulness.

Hope you are all having a great weekend!

New Book Covers. What’cha think?

Howdy! I sure hope everyone is having a great weekend!

So, I’ve never been a huge fan of my relationship books’ covers and I am excited to say that I finally get to see them updated. Woo hoo!!!

In an effort to keep them similar to what they were, but a bit more streamlined looking, they use the same graphics only with a different treatment.

I wanna know what you think. Is there anything that jumps out at you as horrific or do they look okay?

Thanks so much for any feedback. I really appreciate it! :)

Oh, and the back of the book is what’s on the left and the front cover is on the right. I’m sure you know that, but jut in case! :) XOXO

New Intimacy Book Cover 1-19-13

New Sex Book Cover 1-18-13

Prepare to weep for the yumminess!

Tzatziki time!!

I am, at this very moment, stuffing my happy face with mounds and mounds of tzatziki. This is THE best batch the hubby has ever made. Drool!!! I figured since I’m slobbering all over the place that I’d give you the recipe too. You can also find this in my cookbook, Darn Good Eats. Mmmm….

Here’s the recipe as it appears in the cookbook:

Oh, do I love this. I love this so much that the plate in the picture got an extra special placemat upon which to sit. Tzatziki is royalty in this house and deserves to be treated as such.

Just so you know, this is not your everyday tzatziki. No sirreebob! This recipe has evolved through many variations and has ended up like no other tzatziki on earth. It’s got some weird ingredients that you wouldn’t expect to find in it (I actually frowned when Grant first told me what he put in it, thinking it would be inedible) but it is incredibly delicious. And, it’s crazy healthy. So you can eat and eat and eat and not feel the slightest bit of guilt.

Mmmmm...tzatziki

Ingredients:

  • 16 ounces of plain Greek yogurt (get the low fat one to keep it healthy or get the nothing-but-fat one to make it extra creamy. I actually prefer the texture of the low fat yogurt).
  • 2 large, peeled cucumbers
  • Approximately 1 teaspoon of finely chopped dry mint from the spice section at the store (sounds gross, right??). If you use fresh mint, use a tablespoon.
  • 1 rounded tablespoon of finely chopped fresh dill
  • 1 – 1½ tablespoons of fresh lemon juice (I like WAY more than this, but it’s better to start slow and add more if you need it)
  • 4 cloves of garlic, pressed, minced or cut up very small (I personally like slightly more than 4 cloves)
  • Salt and pepper, to taste

Directions:

  1. Peel the cucumbers.
  2. Quarter the cucumbers lengthwise and then cut the quarters lengthwise again.
  3. Take the knife and slice the seeds off the top of each strip of cucumber (you won’t use the seeds in the recipe).
  4. Cut the eights lengthwise a couple more times so you have 16 – 32 long, skinny, deseeded strips of cucumber.
  5. Cut the cucumber strips into tiny pieces.
  6. Put the cucumber into a bowl.
  7. Add the rest of the ingredients and stir.
  8. Refrigerate for at least an hour before serving.
  9. Serve with warmed pita bread.

You can also serve it on a pita smothered in gyro fixings. We buy gyro meat at the store (we have to go to a fancy schmancy store to find it) and cook it up like bacon. Then chuck a bunch of sliced tomato and red onion on it, add the tzatziki sauce, wrap it all up in a warm pita and you have one heck of a scrumptious meal.

One rather special element of this tzatziki is that we don’t puree it. Just about everywhere you go the tzatziki is smooth. Well, I don’t want it smooth. I like it with tiny cucumber chunks. To me, it’s more substantial that way. It’s not just a dip; it feels like you are eating an actual meal.

Feel free to puree the recipe I’ve just given you, but you will be breaking the tzatziki rules and I’m afraid we just can’t have that. Kidding! If you are unsure about the cucumber chunks, take half of the recipe and puree it and then do a taste test and compare it to the chunky version. Or puree half of it and mix it together with the un-pureed half. That way it’s just a little chunky. I’m gonna bet that you like the chunkier one better. It is one of the freshest tasting foods you’ll ever eat.

dragon breath

ENJOY!!

Drum roll please!!! Here it is! The snort heard round the world!

Okay, so it wasn’t heard round the world. Apparently, my snort was a quiet one so it’s not like some horribly loud nightmare from which I can never escape. THANK YOU, GOD!!! :)Book Cover Small

For those of you that either don’t get the first hour of the midday news on WGN or for those of you who live somewhere far, far away…I have a link for you to see it. Yay!

Just click this link or on the pic below to watch: Jodi Cooking? WTF???

Thanks so much to all of you for being so wonderful and supportive!!! :) I hope you enjoy the segment and love the sammich!! :)

PS: I realized that I look preggers in my apron!!! I must get a new apron that doesn’t add a 6 month old fetus to my outfit!

Holy crap! There I am! :)

Holy crap! There I am! :)

 

I dropped an “LY” and snorted and you can see it happen!

Yep, the girl that wrote an entire blog about people not properly using “LY” on the end of adverbs didn’t use one while filming my upcoming WGN-America segment! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Honest to God, I almost corrected myself right then and there. I was horrified. And tomorrow, Friday 1/11/13, you too can be horrified! My cooking segment will be airing around-ish 11:45 am Central time during WGN’s mid-day news. Woo hoo!

Oh, and to add insult to injury, I freaking SNORTED while laughing!!! I bet I snort maybe once a year while laughing and yet for some reason my body decided to do it on film right at the very end of the segment. Ugh! I don’t even remember what we were chuckling about, but yep, I snorted. EEEEEEE gawds, what on earth!?

So, if you want to see a non-cook actually cook something on air (if I can cook it, anyone can!) and if you want to hear me use improper grammar and snort like some kind of rutting animal, set your DVR. ;)

Once it airs, they’ll post a video of it on their site. I’ll post it for you guys in America or Canada who don’t get WGN (do you live in a cave??) or for those of you who are abroad and so it makes sense you wouldn’t get WGN.

I’m nervous as hell, so hopefully it turns out well. I’m not usually nervous on air, but COOKING on air? ME? Goodness gracious. Keep your fingers crossed that it rocks (or at least doesn’t suck!). :) XOXO

Me, with 2 lions growing out of my head, at the WGN studio. Yay!

Me, with 2 lions growing out of my head, at the WGN studio. Yay!

What the f*ck is up with Duck Face?

.

Ladies, please believe me when I say that this ‘posing for pictures with a duck face’ phenomena is a load of horse shit. Can you please stop doing it? Please? I’ll give you a dollar.

The first time I noticed this “trend” is when a friend of mine’s daughter posted one on FB a few years ago. It was kinda cute and silly, but certainly didn’t show her off to be the stunningly gorgeous girl she is. Now, don’t get me wrong. God knows I’ve posted horrifyingly ridiculous pics of my own face here and on FB–I’m not against looking like a freak/weirdo/whackadoo in a picture. They’d be boring if they all looked the same. But over the last few years I see more and more often that young girls in particular always take these self portraits while dressed in bootie shorts, too-tight half-shirts and donning a duck face. Why, I beg of you…why?

I can’t quite figure out why anyone (in most cases) would think duck face is sexy, hot, pretty, etc… (Oh my God. Epiphany here. I’ve just turned into my mother yelling at me to get my hair outta my face. I guess there’s a different mom reprimand with each generation. Good grief. Now I’m going to need therapy.)

Okay, back to duck face. Below is a random sampling of duck face pics I pulled off of Google images. I chopped off the tops of their heads so that no one would be identifiable, though I’m sure all these ladies are lovely and delightful when normal-faced–which is just one more reason I don’t understand duck face. Can anyone tell me why this is the only way to take a picture nowadays if you are under the age of 30?

duck 7 duck 6 duck 2duck 4duck 3duck 1duck 5

Just to show that I’m no hypocrite, here are several of me with my own duck face, and even one with Grant, (thought they were mostly taken before the duck face phenomena became rampant and I had a specific reason for intentionally looking like an ass in each one!). ;)

Jodi duck face2Jodi duck face  Jodi duck face3Jodi and grant duck face

Good grief…why am I sooooooooo white in that one pic?

Okay, I’m now done with my first rant of the new year, quickly written on my lunch break while scarfing pizza. Whew! :)

Awesome Awards, New Year’s Resolutions and Other Such Goodies

Happy New Year! I hope with all my heart that every last one of you had a wonderful holiday season and a safe and happy New Year! :)

I took a much needed vacation from everything and decided today to dip my toe back into humanity one tiny inch at a time. And what did I find upon my return? I found I was mentioned by several awesome bloggers who somehow survived my potty mouth to live and say kind things about my blog! Yay!

My dear friends at Alastair’s Blog and Feed the Piglet both nominated me for Blog of the Year 2012 (the check is in the mail!) and Rural Spaceman listed my blog amongst his “Favorite Things”. Also, in the last few months I was blessed to be nominated by the following kick ass people for some kick ass awards:

  1. Sparky the Dragon creator Kimberley at The Embiggens Project for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award
  2. Jottings and Writings for the Addictive Blog Award and the Liebster Award (Two awards? you are awesome!)
  3. Life in the Drivethru for the Food Stories Nominee for Excellence in Storytelling Award
  4. Alastair’s Blog (again, you sweetheart!) for the One Lovely Blog Award
  5. TotalOvrdose for the Versatile Blogger Award

A big, huge thanks to all of you for your mentions, awards and kind words. I can’t tell you how humbled I am that you guys would think of me. Thank you so very, very much from the bottom of my heart. Your sweetness means the world to me. :)

Now that we’ve talked about the Awesome Awards (and the even more awesome awarders!), let’s move on to the New Year’s Resolutions. My thought about New Year’s Resolutions is poop on their head! Like a lot of people, I’ve made them over the years only to be disappointed in myself a few months down the road for my miserable failures. I’d have been so much happier with myself had I never made the unachievable resolutions in the first place. So, I’ve decided to never make another resolution! Alas, that does not mean that I don’t have things I wanna do in 2013.

Horrifying as it is, my 25 year class reunion is this year. Good God–how is that possible? Am I not still 17 riding around in my girlfriend Susan’s Bronco with a Bartles & James wine cooler in one hand, a cigarette in the other, gossiping about boys? Wasn’t it just yesterday, not 28 years ago, that while at the 7-11 I ran into the guy who stood me up for a movie at my place (my mom actually rented a VCR so I could have him over to watch a movie as we didn’t have one yet–yep, that tells you how old my ass is) and his other date (kill me)? Man, was that awkward! How could it be 25 years ago that I graduated? It just doesn’t seem possible!!!

Well, like most women, I’m bound and determined to lose a few pounds before the reunion. Writing that cookbook put a few extra hunks of delicious, savory butter on my ass (oh, I mean pounds…the butter put the pounds on my ass) that I’d like to shed before flying home, so either I’m going to have to learn how to eat healthier or I’m going to have to borrow a vacuum from someone and perform home liposuction. I’m not sure which one would be more painful!!! :)

This desire to knock off a pants size is not a resolution though. I just happened to be notified about the upcoming event in the last week, so the timing makes it appear to be a resolution, but it is not.

Something else I wanna do in 2013 is learn to curb my potty mouth.  I know I cuss a LOT and I thought…oh shit, I can’t pull that off. I’m sooooo lying here!!! That just ain’t gonna happen. ;)

Ummmm…what else do I wanna do? I don’t know. I figure if I can continue to be happy and healthy, then life is good. I just try and keep that going and that should really be enough.

Okay, so now onto the Other Such Goodies.

I have two things here for ya. One: my cooking spot on WGN-America’s Lunchbreak is gonna air on January 11th. WOO HOO!!!! I’m so excited I could puke. Two: I quit smoking 6 weeks and 1 day ago and I’m so proud of myself I could puke. Wait, that’s a hell of a lot of puking. Let’s just say that my cold-turkey-smoke-quitting-ass is very happy that I’ve been able to maintain the quitting without even a single slip up. Yay!!! And, I haven’t even been a rancid bitch during the emotional withdrawal of one of my very favorite things on earth. I had whittled down my consumption to 4-5 a day (though I crave a pack a day dammit!!!) over the last year so that quitting wouldn’t be such a fuckin’ nightmare, and I still crave those evil (wonderful) sticks constantly, BUT, I’m bound and determined to stay quit as I’d like to live a long and healthy life, so send me no-smoking happy vibes please! :)

Again, I hope you all had a simply magnificent holiday season and I want you to know that I’m thankful for all of your friendship. I’ve met some wonderful people through this blog and you guys mean a ton to me. XOXOXOXO

Blog of the Year Award 2 star thumbnailfoodstoriesnominee_250x286The addictive blog award liebster one-lovely-blog-award1-1 versatileblogger11