Naughty Book Excerpts

Hi! I thought it might be a good idea to give you a quick peek into my two books. It was very hard trying to figure out which selections to post as some of them are funny, some are more from the heart and some are downright sassy. This one is kinda gross, but women all over the world have emailed me and thanked me profusely for putting this in the book, so I thought I’d go with this one.

This down-to-brass-tacks excerpt is from the book for guys, titled, Sex: How to Get More of It.

SIX: Put the toilet seat DOWN.

Let’s bury this age-old problem once and for all. Here’s what happens when you don’t put the damn thing down:

  • Girl gets up in the middle of the night and stumbles to the bathroom.
  • Girl sits down and falls into the toilet. (This is funny, I know, but ONLY from your perspective.)
  • Girl immediately hates you.
  • Girl’s tender parts get covered in nasty toilet water.
  • Girl can’t fall back asleep from both shock and hatred; lays in bed wishing your pecker would fall off.
  • Girl’s tender parts get icky and need to be seen by a doctor.
  • Girl spends $35 on a co-pay and $25 on a prescription.
  • Girl HATES YOU for being so lazy.
  • Girl’s unhappy tender parts are in pain and UNAVAILABLE TO YOU while on meds.

All of this because on principle alone you don’t want to put the seat down? Really? REALLY? Are we really asking THAT much?

With the seat up or down, you still have a nice big opening into which you can direct your pee. You come out okay either way. For us girls it is different. We can actually get the ickies down there if you don’t put the seat down.

Plus, I don’t know about your toilet, but in most places the toilet rim under the seat is DISGUSTING. It’s covered in your pee, your pubic hair and your poop. Why on EARTH would you want your woman accidentally sitting on that? Lastly, it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Because of your chivalry, she won’t have to be the victim of rotten crotch and you won’t have to give your 5-fingered girlfriend as much of a workout while your woman is being medicated. Win/win.

_________________________________________________

So, just to be fair, I guess I’ll also put the corresponding helpful advice that I share with women in my other book, Intimacy: How to Get More of It. I’m usually horrified by any kind of bathroom-related discussions, but again, this item in particular has received tons of feedback from my readers. I think just about everyone is in agreement that this suggestion hits the nail on the head. Don’t say I didn’t warn you though!

1. Potty-time is private time

As far as your man knows, you do not poop. Nor do you let any kind of air, even if it’s scented like roses, escape your backdoor. I know, that sounds nuts. Isn’t there a children’s book that reveals the secret that everyone poops? Let’s have some reality here, right Jodi? Well, there’s reality and then there’s reality with men. They are two vastly different things.

I’d well imagine that the actions of your man’s butt are something to which you’d rather be oblivious. Believe me when I say, as grossed out as we are by having to avoid the bathroom for 20 minutes when they finish in there, they are by far more sensitive when it comes to our poop (though they’d never admit it!).

When a man thinks of your butt, he usually thinks of smacking it while it’s up in the air aimed at him or, for some unknown reason, actually getting in there with a vengeance. Men and butts—I’ll never understand it, but such is the male mind, right? Regardless, men are fascinated with the female rump and it’s up to us ladies to keep it a mystery—at least the icky parts of what it does when no one else is looking.

I once knew a girl (me), who for the first two years of her relationship (with my husband) would go to the grocery store down the street when “the urge” hit. I know! That’s ridiculous! Alas, it is true. Of course, much to her chagrin, the damn store closed. WHAT WAS SHE GOING TO DO? Well, it took some time to plan her strategy, but she figured out when her man was typically busy or out of the house and tried to set an appointment with nature to only come a-knockin’ during those times of day.

I realize that it can be difficult to time the natural actions of our butts to when our men aren’t home or when they are too involved in a football game to care what we are doing, but there is a lot to be said about not being too comfortable with your man as it relates to your bathroom habits.

I once heard a husband, who’d been happily married for over 20 years, complain, “You KNOW you’ve been married too long when you are brushing your teeth and your wife comes in and takes a dump two feet from where you are standing. I was brushing my teeth for God’s sake!” That story stuck in my mind like glue as it really said everything there is to say about how men feel about that fact that we even poop at all. I tell my husband that, “I’m a girl and we don’t do that.” He laughs and tells me it’s okay if I use the bathroom like a normal person. I still insist that it doesn’t happen…ever.

Sometimes, in any kind of relationship, there are things to keep to yourself. Pooping is one of them. While it’s unrealistic to think you can escape doing it when he’s home 100% of the time, it’s certainly unnecessary to do it with the door open or to announce when you have to go. Mystery, ladies, is one of the keys to success with your man. You don’t want him thinking of you as a poop-machine. You want him to long for your butt like it’s made of nachos and beer.

There is but one exception to the no-poop rule: food poisoning or some other tummy illness. You simply cannot help it if you are sick and it’s important to be able to ask for help from your man. Sometimes, you just need to hold someone’s hand or have them bring in a fan to cool you off. Don’t be afraid to ask him for help if you feel like you are passing a baby through you colon. Of course, by mutual agreement, that situation will NEVER be discussed again, by anyone, for any reason, EVER.

Just keep in mind that it’s all the little mini-emotions that a man feels for us over the course of a day that shape his overall impression of us. While we all know the truth about what happens in a bathroom, the last thing we want to do is make our men recoil from images of us straining on the pot. Let him think fondly of your butt and when he sees it coming around the corner, he’ll be more likely to give it a nice swat instead of running for the hills.

__________________________________________________

I hope you enjoyed the excerpts. The books actually cover 20 items each on how to get more nookie and intimacy. They range from strip clubs to arguing fairly to not being a nag and a whole bunch of other accessible strategies.

To get a copy of Sex: How to Get More of It, click here.

To get a copy of Intimacy: How to Get More of It, click here.

Thanks for stopping by!

37 comments on “Naughty Book Excerpts

  1. Gosh! I never knew there was so much life lurking behind the toilet seats! Thanks for the perspective. I will get to your book soon. Bye.
    bezuf

    • Yay! So glad I’m not the only one who is polite about bathroom things!!! I prefer to blindly believe that bathrooms don’t exist for anything other than showering and powdering my nose. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!! ;)

  2. I totally agree with you here, and actually got into a fight with one of my exes after I would not allow him to enter the bathroom while I was on the toilet. His claim was that I was actually denying him intimacy. I said BULL SHIT! I will hold you all night in my arms and stroke your head, but watching me on the potty is NOT intimacy dude! Needless to say, we are no longer together :(
    *Still looking for my perfect match!!!

    • Thank God you are no longer together. Whew!!! I’m right there with you on the whole Bull Shit thing. Denying him intimacy. Give me a break!!! Why not have him go to the gyno with you and help you scooch down? ;) Some things are private, darnit! :)

      You will totally find your match! Strong men love a spunky chick and you’ve got that for days. :) Just never settle for an asshat. Not worth the time and effort. :)

  3. I am in tears of laughter after reading some of the excerpts from your books, you are a fabulous writer! I am humbled you have found your way to the pages of my blogs The House of Thoth and L&L Photography. Thank you and I hope that you continue to follow me/us (me and my husband Lloyd, since he is the other half of L of L&L. He might take offense if I negated to include him.). Cheers!

    • Hi LA Edwards!!! Well, you just made my morning!! :) I’m so pleased that you liked the excerpts!! It was hard picking out which ones to put up there, but I figured everyone on earth could relate to those two. :) And it was my pleasure to stop by and enjoy your blog. I love photography with a passion!!! :) You and Lloyd have a wonderful week.

  4. LOL That first one, I live on my own with my two kids (13 and 16) they have a toilet, and I have my own one. When I was married, my ex-wife and I would drill it into the kids heads that if you don’t put the seat down, when you flush, the spray goes all around the room and gets on toothbrushes, and do you really want to brush your teeth with poop and pee?

    As for the second one, I had been married four years when she did that. It nearly made me vomit my toothpaste, not just spit it lol. Thankfully (I say now – four years later) she found a younger model to annoy with them habits.

    I will say though, I brought a couple of books a few years ago, something like “How to give her absolute pleasure” and “How to be a better lover”. They may not be the titles, but they’re close. When she left me, she asked for the books, so I told her where to get off. When my last relationship went downhill (long story – but it’s a case of if you don’t like my kids, you don’t like me, they come first no matter what age) she asked for the books again as I said I would not make the mistake of having a relationship again, so I said no again. I’d sooner sell them than give them to her. lol. Does that make me evil?

    • Oh my God, I don’t even know where to start!!! No, you are so not evil! I think you are funny as hell. :) I’d have kept the books too.

      The toilet seat NEEDS to be down! It’s so icky when it’s not! Yucky!!! I do NOT wanna brush my teeth with pee and poop. Eeeee gawds!

      I can’t believe the exact story I told happened to you too. That is soooo icky! Why would anyone do that??? GROSS!!! Some things need to stay private, darnit!

      Thank for making me laugh. Your comment was a riot. :)

      • Always funny when someone says .. well actually, that happened to me when… LOL

        I won’t tell you the stories my kids come back with as to how their mum is grossing them out now, suffice to say they are glad that they live with me (a father who managed to keep the kids in a divorce! Who’d have thunk it? lol)

        Glad I gave you a giggle :-)

    • So glad the excerpts gave you the giggles!! I really hope you like the books. Please let me know what you think. :) It was my pleasure to follow your blog!! So happy you came by here too. :)

  5. Fun! I enjoyed reading these. I know that I, personally, come from a family of Repressors — nary a fart escapes or doodie is done in the presence of others — but not everyone is that way. It’s been so long since I’ve lived with a man that I never considered the poop issue. Although I would like to think that if he loves me, he’ll love me. Not that I would ever, EVER poop while he was brushing his teeth! Or in the bathroom at all! That’s just wrong.

    • Oh, I’m so glad you enjoyed them! Yay!!! :) Your family sounds like mine. We didn’t burp or do anything butt-related, so I’m particularly sensitive to anything bathroom-y. :) My man swears that he doesn’t care if I use the bathroom. He’s told me he doesn’t care if I shave. Bless his animal heart!! But I still cannot be oh-so-natural! ;)

  6. Okay, at risk of getting thrown out of the Man Club I’m here to share that I ALWAYS put the toilet seat down… ALWAYS! In fact I don’t just put the seat down, if there is a top cover I close that one too. Toilets should not be open for the public to see. And if you’re a guy and your not lifting the seat UP before you pee, well, you should be… because frankly, your aim isn’t that good and there is typically some splashing involved! I don’t really know where I learned this behavior although I usually give my mother credit for instilling it in me. Thanks Mom!

    • I am pretty sure every woman on earth is now in love with you!!!! :) Screw the man club, what guy doesn’t want the adoration of every chick on the planet? I’m very proud of your chivalrous behavior. If I had a bathroom crown, I’d give it to you.

      The timing of your comment is perfect as I just 10 seconds ago posted a blog on bathroom etiquette. :)

    • I’m quite sure that, “Woman, You’re CRAZY!” has to be one of my all-time favorite comments that I’ve read!!! Thank you!!! That just tickled me pink. :) It was my pleasure stopping by your blog. Sorry it took me so long to get back with you. I’ve been under the weather all week and am just now back on my computer. Have a great weekend, new friend!

  7. Unholy shitcakes!! I schooled the living fear out of the guy about leaving the toilet seat DOWN. His girl is now singing My praises, writing songs in My honor, and throwing busted up rose petals wherever I go.

  8. With my first live-in, he’d just pee in front of me. All the time. Not like, duck in while I’m in the shower–as in, I am brushing my teeth and you have it out and you’re pissing.
    I made it a point to make that NOT OK with the second one.
    Well, neither stuck, but I think the reason i am still friends with the second is because the bathroom was a 1-person only at a time area.

    Also, I’d love to do a guest-post swap with you!

    • I HATE the pee-in-front-of-me guy! Why does ANYONE want to look at, listen to or smell someone else’s pee? It’s just nasty! Ugh. Good for you to put your foot down with guy #2. A girl’s gotta have some boundaries! ;) Glad you and the 2nd stayed friends—that is always so nice.

      We’ll definitely have to chat more about post swapping! :) Great idea.

What'cha think? Leave your comment here.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s