Category Archives: Animals

Apr 26 2013

Favor? Pretty please with sugar on top?

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TGIMFF!!! (Yeah, TGIF just doesn’t capture how happy I am that it’s Friday!) The hubby and I are doing a double feature tomorrow. First, Pain and Gain. Any suggestions for movie number 2?

As for the favor, I’m wondering if those of you who I sent complimentary copies of my books to, or who got in on the $.99 Kindle/Nook book special, would do me a favor? If you got the books and enjoyed them, can you pretty please leave a delicious review of them on Amazon? I hate to even ask, but I’d be super grateful. After Amazon went bonkers last year and deleted tons of reviews off of everyone’s books including mine (I will still never understand why they did that), it appears that hardly anyone has read my books when they actually do quite well. It was so devastating to go from having tons of all 5-star reviews (except 1 from someone who liked the content but not my slightly naughty mouth ;) ) to having almost no reviews at all. Absolutely heartbreaking. pretty please kitty

I heard back from tons of you via email on how much you laughed or how yummy the food was–and was so delighted by your wonderful stories, but it would be great to see that wonderful commentary on Amazon too. And just so you know, it doesn’t have to be a tome. It could literally be one happy sentence and I’d be thrilled. I’d really appreciate it, my lovely blog buddies, if you’d help me out with this. And if you don’t want to or didn’t like the books, I totally understand and don’t feel like you have to leave a review–no pressure. I just thought I’d ask those of you who did enjoy them or got a good chuckle out of them to leave a review.

If you do decide to post a review (for any or all books), just click on the pictures below and it’ll take you right to the book’s Amazon page.

Thanks so much, guys! I really appreciate it! Love you!

Book Cover Small  New Intimacy Book Cover Small with black border 1-20-13        New Sex Book Cover 225 pixels wide black outline

Kitty says, “To all of you who’ve already left reviews, thank you! Mommy and I love you!!!”

happy kitty

Nov 23 2012

R.I.P. sweet little hamster

 

Well, dammit.

Less than 24 hours ago I was counting my blessings, including the fact that my old ass hamster was still amongst the living. Little did I know he only had 8 hours of life left.

I love you Hamster. Mommy and Daddy miss you tremendously. There will never be a fuzzy-butted little hamster anywhere near as wonderful and sweet as you.

Little Hamster’s first day with his new family. SWAK!

Daddy, after a hard day’s work, playing with the little guy. He loved little Hamster too.

Our sweet little baby his first night in his new home.

 

Nov 12 2012

Sesame Street Sham! My Childhood Memories are Shattered!

What is this critter with Big Bird called?

Sound it out slowly. How would you spell it?

My whole life he’s been the Snuffaluffagus. ALL Fs, mo fo. ALL Fs!!!! Well, wasn’t I horrified when I found out he’s the Snuffleupagus. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??? It’s a travesty, that’s what it is. There ain’t no Ps in his name. That’s just wrong.

He will forever in my heart be the Snuffaluffagus. Period.

Okay, that was a weird post. :) It was just one of those things where I’m like…wha??? Wha??? P? Really? Yeah, I’m going to shut up now.

HUGS from a fruitcake!

 

Oct 5 2012

I’m going to cry. I never cry, but I’m gonna. Poop.

My sweet babies Chipmunk Chicken and Mouthy

As you guys know, for Christmas my wonderful hubby surprised me with 2 sweet baby chickens. I’d wanted chickens for years and years and I was so excited. We went and picked out our little furry guys; one we named Chipmunk Chicken because he looked like a chipmunk and the other we named Mouthy because she made so much adorable noise. Grant built them a big wooden coop and a fenced-in yard with a sunroof so they wouldn’t overheat in the blistering hot summer. They live in chicken paradise.

Well, Chipmunk Chicken grew up to be a boy–quite the surprise, but he was just so cute and sweet it didn’t even matter. Although I’m sure it probably mattered to our little girl chicken as she was the victim of chicken rape about 10 times a day. Poor little critter.

Look ma! I can stand on one leg! I’m a talented chicken!

The great thing about our chickens was that since I raised them since they were a week old, they knew me and every time I’d come outside they’d get all excited and start making noise and running around like crazy chickens. It was pure awesomeness.

Until Wednesday. Animal control dropped by and threatened us with a $2,500 fine and up to 6 months in the pokey if we didn’t get rid of our grown up Chipmunk Raper chicken. I could rob a 7-11 or molest a goat and get less time in jail. Apparently, one of our other (dick!) neighbors complained. Now, I understand if we lived in a quiet neighborhood that my chicken may have been noisy and annoying, but all you ever hear is a cacophony of a million dogs barking all day and night. Non-stop. Loudly. Irritatingly. My chicken, by comparison, was mute.

Fear the chicken wrath! I’m a big chicken!

So, I asked my nextdoor neighbor (who the day before asked me if we wanted any of their hens as they were about to chop all their heads off–NOOOOO!) if she knew of anywhere that would take my beloved little chicken and not kill him. I also asked if she’d sent her chickens to heaven yet and if not, could I have one for my soon-to-be-lonely little hen? She, being an AWESOME neighbor, asked a relative who owns a farm if they’d take my little critter without beheading him and they agreed. Thank God. We did the chicken swap yesterday and now I have my Mouthy chicken and a new chicken, but no Chipmunk Rapey chicken anymore.

Happiest chicken mommy ever to have lived.

I guess it’s good because at least we got to save one from the chopping block in my neighbor’s backyard, but I miss my little pet so much. And I’m not the only one. My Mouthy chicken, who got much quieter as she got older, won’t stop crying. Now, I know you think I’ve crossed the line into insanity when I say that. I mean, can a chicken be sad? I know I can sometimes personify animals, but this chicken went from hardly making a sound the last 6 months to making this pathetic little warble. She just sits there, not moving, and making the saddest, most plaintive little noises. Even when I go into their yard to play with her, she just sits there crying her little chicken cry. There are few things on earth that sound sadder than that. I know she misses him. They were always together. Honest to goodness, never more than 2 feet apart. They slept cuddled together. They roosted together. They played together. It was so damn precious.

Here’s a video of my little babies the day we brought them home. Beware, I have my my mommy voice goin’ on so I sound a bit like a dim bulb idiot tard, but you’ll be able to tell I’m obviously in love with the little buggers.

Anyway, just wanted to share my sad little chicken story. My heart’s kinda broken…

Sep 28 2012

Because I wanna! I LOVE OWLIES!!!

Okay, so I’ve been a ranting lunatic lately. I know, I know. In an effort to not seem like I’ve gone completely bonkers, I’m going to do a sweet post about furry things that I like.

I didn’t take any of these pics, I procured them from around the web (hope that’s okay!). But they were just so adorable and made me smile, so I thought I’d share them with you. All these little furry baby owlies remind me of the picture of the furry chicken I took and posted several months ago. You guys remember him? It was hard to even tell he was a chicken. I love him.

Enjoy the cuteness!

No, oscifer. I haven’t had anything to drink today. (Hiccup!)

Please don’t turn the oven on! I’ll be good from now on!

 

It wasn’t me. I didn’t do it. I swear.
How could something as tiny and precious as me have done that?
Love me?

 

What the hell IS that thing?
I can’t even tell if it’s real or a teddy bear. :)

I am so damn cute. You know I am. At first I hated my human for putting me in a hat.
An owl in a hat? What the hell? But then I looked in the mirror and yeah, I’m freaking adorable. Oh, and look at my tootsies. Tell me you’ve ever seen anything more edible? Nope, no you can’t.

Yes, minions. Bow before the Great and Powerful Owlie!
RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Yep, me and all my furry awesomeness are better than you will ever be!

Awwww…man. I am one hit too high.
Me too. Where are we? Wait. Did you say just say somethin’?

I hope you enjoyed Owlie Adventures! I wanna eat them all (in a non-eaty way of course)!!

Jun 29 2012

The Misadventures of Car Teddy

Car Teddy says, “Hi everyone! Nice to meet’cha!”

You guys all know that I’m a 3 year old when it comes to teddy bears. They are ALL teddies even if they are mice or snakes or bunnies or kitties or otters or…well, you get the point. I LOVE them! Some of my teddies I’ve had since I was a baby. My Pink Teddy and I have slept together every night for 36 years. She is one drool-colored, mite-covered, sandbag-feeling teddy, but I love her so much!!!

So, I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that I have a car teddy. I won him in one of those claw machines. I so kick ass at those things!!! But he’s not ghetto-teddy looking. He’s actually quite soft and fuzzy and cute, as you can see.

Unlike most of my teddies (except the bed teddies–poor things), car teddy has seen things that NO one should see, especially an innocent little teddy bear.

Here is just a partial list of the wild experiences he’s suffered through:

  1. I once had a girlfriend who loved to get trashed and then hump in the backseat of my car. Every horrifying guy in Phoenix has banged her in it. EWWWW!!! Well, as you can see by car teddy’s strapped-in location, he was unable to avoid being squished by naked asses and other body parts. Yes, he’s been washed. But don’t think I didn’t feel bad drowning him in the washing machine for an hour. That cannot be fun for a little teddy.
  2. I once had another girlfriend who loved to get trashed and then throw up everywhere. As I am always the designated driver, poor little car teddy was on the receiving end of her exorcist-like vomit on more than one occasion. Off to the washing machine he again went! Poor little guy.
  3. I once had a girlfriend who was a raging pervert (shocking, I know.) She thought it would be funny to devirginize teddy, so she put one of his paws in her panties. Not only did teddy get a trip to the bath for that, he was dipped in lye, flea-repellent, acid, lice-remover and 3 antibiotics.
  4. I once had a child in my car. I don’t have kids so this is a rare occurrence, but nonetheless, said child yanked car teddy out of his seat belt with that freakish kid strength, stuck one paw in it’s drooly mouth and chewed on him for a while. Then stuffed teddy under its butt. The wee one was potty training (not very successfully) and peed all over car teddy. I guess I should be glad it was just pee. Yep, you guessed it, off to the bucket of acid again.
  5. I once had a friend (asshat) who thought it would be fun to see car teddy fly. He opened the window and hung him out. Of course, he “accidentally” let go and the poor little furry thing kissed the concrete of the highway. My reaction to this was: “You fuck! GET OUT NOW and go get him!!!”  His response, “It’s rush hour! Are you insane?” My response, “Get the fuck out NOW and get that bear or I will run your sorry ass over with my car.” His response, “Yep. You got it.” Apparently, he could see I wasn’t kidding. ;)

Enough with the camera, Mommy.
ENOUGH I SAY!!!

While car teddy may appear fairly well off for a teddy who’s endured so much, know that his bow is new and that helps A LOT! It distracts from the rest of his scraggly, scruffy, bodily-fluid covered countenance.

And  so ya know, I just read this post to car teddy before publishing it and he wasn’t very happy that I’d shared all of his misadventures. I’m pretty sure he’s pissed. I’ll have to add publicly humiliating him to the list of offenses against him. ;)

May 25 2012

Varmints, Critters and Furries, OH MY!

Since you guys seemed to like my furry friends, I thought I’d share a few more with you. I LOVE LOVE LOVE taking pictures of things that are fuzzy. It makes me happy just looking at them. I wanna take them all home, put them in my bed and just roll around and giggle all over them. Wait. Does that make me sound like a freak? Probably. :)

This furry little monster followed me around all day, licking me and nudging my butt. I fell immediately in love with him!!

Baby Got Back! Good lord, alpaca butts are cute!!

My sweet little chipmunk friend, in a bit more detail. I was literally 3 feet from his face. I cannot believe how he just sat there and posed for me. :)

Yeah, I’m not messing with this Mo Fo! Snakey gone wild!

Yeah, I’m done entertaining people. You can take a picture, but I’m not gonna pose! I’m NOT! I swear, this is not me posing pretty for the camera.

I don’t know what the hell kinda kitties these are but I love the little one. WHACK! Right on Mommy’s nose. :)

“Hiiiiiii-ya! Take THAT!” My idea of Heaven, I kid you not, is being able to roll around in the water with a big pile of non-pooping, non-biting otters. I sure hope God gives that to me when I die. :)

Who knew otters pondered world peace? That is one contemplative otter!

This little stinker chased me around the lake! Can’t blame her for trying to protect those little fuzzy critters.

I would NOT want to be the little mousie that he has in his sights!

Dang! That thar is a fine lookin’ duck. ;) PRETTY SWAN!!!

I LOVE PANDA! He fell out of the tree and bonked his cute head.

Ask and ye shall receive! You guys liked my chicken monster so much, I thought I’d put a pic of his little furry buddy in here too. Can someone tell me WHERE THE HELL HIS FACE IS???  I see no beak. No eyes. No nuffin! He’s Furry Ninja Chicken!

And last but most certainly not least, a tribute pic of my sweet, precious, departed angels: Princess and BooBoo. I loved these kitties more than I can ever express and was blessed to have these little sister kitties in my life for 16 years. I love you BooBoo and Princess!!!

Thanks for peeking at my critters!! In case you can’t tell, I’m a sucker for the fuzzy things!

May 23 2012

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!

I love furry things. Most of you know that by now. The furrier the better. So, I thought I’d share with you a few of my favorite pics from over the years. I love photography and would happily sit in a jungle all day (well, one without mosquitoes) to get pictures of cute critters.

Hang on, did I just write a post with no sarcasm? Hmmm…not sure I know what to do with that. ;)

I LOVE HIS FURRY LITTLE NOGGIN! I wanna eat him!!!

Think he’d let me nuzzle his neck without eating my face?

I LOVE HIM!!! He was eating a banana I gave him. When I turned these pics in, 100 years ago, to get them cropped, the owner of the photography studio stole my negatives, entered my pictures into a wildlife photography contest and won awards with my sweet little groundhog pics. I sincerely wanted to burn his house to the ground.

OH MY GOD! Look at the furry chicken! Look at those feet!!!

This little cuddlebear posed for me for 10 minutes. Yet another critter I wanna eat in a non-eaty way. ;)