THE CARNAGE! My house is an abattoir!

I’m pretty sure I’m gonna puke!

Ewwwww!!!!

So here’s my little tale.

Now that the house is finally coming together, the hubby and I occasionally have some friends over. They’d just gotten in the door and were standing in the living room when they noticed my Christmas window gels still up in the window. Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s July and I still have some Christmas stuff up. I’m a maniac! ;)

Anyway, the gels are these gummy-like decals you stick to the window. They feel like a wet, smushed, slightly melted gummy bear, but they stick great and last a long time. Well, until the evil summer heat of Arizona gets at ‘em.

The snowman couple on the right had held up pretty well, but the cute little penguins on the left had met a rather unfortunate, melty fate. It was actually kinda gross looking. Like the face melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

We were all standing about 10 feet away and commenting on the sorry state of my little gel friends and their accompanying snowflakes when I noticed that some of the snowflakes had turned black.

My first thought was, “Wow, that’s probably unhealthy. If the sun baked what used to be white, lavender and baby blue snowflakes into black, crusty nightmares then the fumes it put off while cooking can’t have been healthy to breathe.”

So I walked over to them to scrape them off the window and much to my horror…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The carnage! Death abounded! The slow, painful murder of dozens of small critters faced me in my once-loved gummy snowflakes.

Look below at your own risk!

 

 

OH THE CARNAGE!

 

Here it is a little closer up if ya really wanna see mass death!

Fly Death!

Holy fuck that is nasty!

I had NO idea I was murdering flies in such a gruesome way!

And the poor little buggers were left on display and I didn’t even notice. They had a public burial. Total ewww!!

So yeah, I screamed. Then said to the hubby, “Can you please remove the hideous death trap that our sweet Christmas decorations have become?”

I don’t know what they make the gummy decals with (crack? meth? chocolate?) that would be so alluring to flies. Especially since the snowmen were of absolutely no interest to them at all. Completely bizarre.

When I went to look at the snowmen the other day (which are still there to this day…yeah, again…I know…) I noticed a leftover fly leg stuck to the window. Poor little critters. I may not like flies, but nothing deserves to be cooked at 150 degrees while stuck in goo on an Arizona window.

Well, there you have it. I’m now officially horrified. I’m a murderer, pure and simple. Off with my head! ;)

One of my FAVORITE Christmas presents ever!

Meet Dicknose!

My Friend Dicknose

Is that the most insane looking teddy bear you’ve ever seen?

My mom shrieked with both horror and delight when she saw it.

She said, “Only you would immediately fall in love with a dick teddy.” Which made me crack the fuck up. I love my sassy 75 year old mommy. :)

Grant gave this to me as he knows I love both cute, adorable, plush teddies and the defective, unlovable (except by me), deformed, mutant teddies.

Believe it or not, Dicknose is based off of a real creature.

Trust me when I say you do NOT want to see it. You’ll vomit. You’ll never want to eat any kind of any thing that comes out of the water ever again.

But, you may want to go to your local sex shop and rent a hooker or buy an “appendage” for entertainment.

Again, don’t do it, but click here if you want to see the thing this teddy is based on. View at your own risk! ;)

PS: Woo hoo! This is my 200th post! :) Thanks for reading all of my insanity! ;)

Best Damn Macaroni Salad EVER!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, a Happy New Year and is surviving the abysmal return to work. I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I need to be independently wealthy so that every week is like Christmas! ;) Ah…to dream.

Anyway, I digress.shock kitty

So, believe it or not, I actually cooked stuff this Christmas. I know. SHOCKING!

I made my mom’s famous mac salad (even people who don’t usually like mac salad like this!) and cheesy taters. Yum!

While the cheesy taters are, health-wise, just this side of a heart attack, the macaroni salad isn’t so bad. Especially if you use the Kraft Olive Oil mayo. Way less calories and fat than regular mayo and I can’t tell the difference. Also, I use less than one cup of mayo (mom uses way more), so my suggestion is to start with less and work your way up if you want it creamier. I think too much mayo is pukey, but you do what makes you happy. :)

Anyway, I thought I’d share the mac salad recipe for those of you who want to eat something as fresh and delicious as watermelon on a hot summer day. Especially since it’s cold as a witch’s tit out there and we could all use a little bit of summer right now. Except me. I live in AZ and had my air conditioning on the other day. Yes. I’m a wretched bitch. :)

Here’s the recipe straight from the cookbook. Enjoy!

Mom’s Macaroni Salad

I think maybe twice in my life I’ve had good macaroni salad at a restaurant or deli. It’s either got too much mayonnaise (yuck!) or some weird spice or a gross tang that makes me want to retch. I keep trying, but I rarely find one that is palatable. What is my solution to this problem? Make my own.

To be quite frank, that solution almost never occurs to me. It does not occur to a furry little blind mole to buy reading glasses. Why would it occur to ME to cook something voluntarily? It usually doesn’t. But this is super easy and is incredibly light tasting and refreshing. It has very few ingredients (whew…) and is almost impossible to make wrong. To me, that is the perfect recipe.

Stuff you’ll need:

  • 1 one-pound box of elbow macaroni
  • 1 green pepper
  • 4 good-sized tomatoes
  • 1 large cucumber
  • 1 medium-sized, sweet onion (don’t use a yellow or red, they are way too potent—look on the label of the onion for the word “sweet”)
  • 1 cup of mayonnaise* (maybe more)
  • Salt and pepper, to taste

*I use Kraft Mayo with Olive Oil™ as I can’t tell the difference between it and regular mayo, but it has way fewer calories and less fat than the regular kind.

Putting it all together:

  1. Cook the macaroni according to the directions on the box.
  2. Once it’s cooked (don’t overcook it) dump it into a colander and thoroughly rinse it with cool water.
  3. Empty the macaroni into a large bowl.
  4. Cut the tomatoes into bite-sized pieces and add to the bowl.
  5. Peel the cucumber and cut into bite-sized pieces and add to the bowl.
  6. Cut the green pepper into large pieces (I do this because I don’t want to bite down on a piece of green pepper, but it does add a nice flavor to the salad—you can cut it any way you want) and add to the bowl.
  7. Dice the onion into small pieces (you don’t want any big bites of onion either, but you do actually want onion in your mouth) and add to the bowl.
  8. Add about 1/2 the mayonnaise and stir. Continue to add the mayo until it’s got enough for you. Some people like tons of it, some people don’t.
  9. Add salt and pepper. Taste it. Add more salt and pepper as necessary.
  10. Refrigerate for at least a couple of hours so everything has time to chill. If you can, refrigerate it overnight. It is at its absolute best on the second day.
  11. Before serving, make sure to stir and taste-test it one more time to make sure it has enough salt. It will be bland if it doesn’t have enough salt.

One of my favorite things about this salad is that it doesn’t have a bunch of weird junk in it. I think sometimes people get so obsessed with making food all fancy and complicated that they lose sight of what makes it taste so good—simplicity. This salad has a clean, crisp, summer taste to it. It is one of my all-time favorite things to eat while sitting in the backyard and watching the chickens play as the sun goes down.

Dragon-breath-o-meter

sparky small 1

 

 

PS: Go easy with the onion at first and add more a little bit at a time. I love tons of onion, but just in case you don’t you can always leave it out or just use a little. :)

FREE BOOKS for 3 More Days! Get ‘em while they’re hot (and FREE!)

Oh my gosh! I can’t tell you guys how exciting this is! My books have been downloaded literally thousands and thousands of times in the last 36 hours and I’m so happy I could explode!

Intimacy and Darn Good Eats have each reached #1 in the categories! Sooooooo happy! Sex reached #2 (beaten out only by my Intimacy book, so I can’t really complain!)

I hope all of you that downloaded them are enjoying them and getting a good giggle. :)

I wanted to make sure that anyone who may have missed my last blog about the free books got another opportunity, so I’m putting links here at the bottom of the page for you so you can go download them. Just make sure to do it by late on the 16th cause then the promotion will be over.

Also, I want to thank Jason Anthony of The Acquiring Man Magazine (who I write a monthly column for) as he posted some wonderful review of my Sex and Intimacy books earlier today. If you are wondering whether or not to download my books (for free!) click HERE to check out his reviews first. That way you can hear from him why he thinks they are worth a quick read.

Much love to all of you who downloaded them. May you enjoy yourself silly and have a happier, sexier, more well-fed life as a result! :)

XOXOXXOXO

Click HERE to go to my Amazon page to download all 3 books.

Or click on each picture below to go right to that book’s page.

Sex book cover inside printed books

Love you guys!!!

3 FREE BOOKS! Yep, you heard me…FREE because I love you! ;)

Well, I’m all in a Christmasy mood, so because I love you guys I’ve decided that on December 12th-16th you can get all 3 of my books on Kindle for F.R.E.E! Holy shit, Batman!

Batman

Last year I did a book giveaway around Christmas and you guys made me feel all warm and fuzzy with your amazing response, so I thought I’d do it again this year.

Fear not, if you don’t have a Kindle that’s okay. You can go to Amazon and download a free Kindle reader onto any device–tablet, iPad, iPhone, android phone, desktop computer, laptop, blah blah blah…the list goes on forever. That way you don’t need to buy a Kindle to read Kindle books. Yay! Click HERE to go to the page that lets you download the reader to your device.

As for my books, you can go right to my author’s page and get all 3 of them. Click HERE to be a downloading for free fool! ;)

Or, if you already have a couple of them and just need one or two more, you can click on any of the covers below and go directly to that page. See, I’m all about makin’ it easy for you to get free stuff. :)

Sex book cover inside printed books

From my heart though, I hope that everyone has a wonderful, loving, relaxing and happy holiday season.

As you can see, my Moopers kitty is enjoying sitting in the glow of our Christmas tree. I think I may just join her. :)

MUCH LOVE!!!!

Christmas Tree 2013 and Moopy

What the Hell? It’s Spring Fever up in here! ;)

.

I promise that I am not setting these pics up.

I know that seems impossible.

Alas, it is true.

I come into a room and voila, this is what I see.

I have to wonder if they are sentient and doing shit while my head is turned.

Or maybe it’s the kitties sneaking around, setting them up and being all naughty and perverse.

Either way, may you enjoy the filth that goes on in my house on a daily basis. ;)

I walk in to go to bed and what do I find? Daisy is a naughty little cowie!

Daisy and Otter

This scene greeted me last night at 3am.

Eve is going to town on sweet, innocent little W.A.L.L.E. Good grief!

WALLE and Eve

This one is just fucked up! She looks ridden hard and put away filthy! If I was as flexible as Lambchop, I’d never leave the house!

Lambchop

By the way, my latest article came out at Acquiring Man magazine. It tells you all about the perfect gift (for free!) for your hot mama this holiday season. Check it out here. :) XOXO

Here’s a little teaser pic for what you can expect. ;)

Naughty Balls

Christmas presents for the peeps that already have it all!

So, the hubby doesn’t really need anything for Christmas. I’ve swamped him with so many presents over the last 6 years for this birthday and Christmas that we can’t fit one more damn thing in the house. He did come up with one thing he needs–a new table saw. So, that’s definitely on the list. But I like to bury him up to his eyeballs in gifts and was running out of ideas. Then I saw a Groupon that would totally be fun.

Grant and I went horseback riding on our honeymoon (I was terrified and riding a limping horse for fuck’s sake!), but haven’t been back since. I figured this would bring back wonderful memories and be a great time in the 75 degree weather of an Arizona winter.

So if you have one of those pesky damn people in your life that already has everything they need and want, so buying presents is a pain in the ass because you have no clue what to get, might I suggest fun stuff to do instead of a material gift? I’ve started taking Mom on vacations each year for her main Christmas present (plus a bunch of other little things too) and now I’m going to start doing that for the hubby. It may sound totally sappy (okay, it IS totally sappy) but those awesome memories are better than something in a box any day.

Of course, since I like to have him unwrap a zillion presents, I made this for him and printed it as an 8×10, and then stuffed it into a box so that he has a gift to unwrap that tells him about his gift. Yeah, I’m a doofus! :)

Christmas present for my Muffin!

Christmas present for my Muffin!

Vacation Time!!

I’m goin’ on vacation!!! Woo hoo!!!

As a Christmas present for my mom, I told her I’d treat her to a vacation back home on the east coast. And we’re heading off tomorrow! Yay!!!

Luckily, I was able to save enough airline miles to get us there first class for free. My sweet little 74 year old mommy should be able to enjoy a nice, wide seat and good food, so I did everything but hook on the corner to get airline miles saved for the last year (I plan my Christmas presents WAY in advance). Thankfully, I was able to save enough with 300 miles to spare!

We’re going to hang out in our old home town and then head to the beach. I’m going to eat more blue crabs than anyone on earth. I can’t wait. :)

Mom and Jodi at Christmas

I hope you guys all have a wonderful long weekend (for those of you in the States)! I’ll be back in the next couple of weeks.

Love ya!

Awesome Awards, New Year’s Resolutions and Other Such Goodies

Happy New Year! I hope with all my heart that every last one of you had a wonderful holiday season and a safe and happy New Year! :)

I took a much needed vacation from everything and decided today to dip my toe back into humanity one tiny inch at a time. And what did I find upon my return? I found I was mentioned by several awesome bloggers who somehow survived my potty mouth to live and say kind things about my blog! Yay!

My dear friends at Alastair’s Blog and Feed the Piglet both nominated me for Blog of the Year 2012 (the check is in the mail!) and Rural Spaceman listed my blog amongst his “Favorite Things”. Also, in the last few months I was blessed to be nominated by the following kick ass people for some kick ass awards:

  1. Sparky the Dragon creator Kimberley at The Embiggens Project for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award
  2. Jottings and Writings for the Addictive Blog Award and the Liebster Award (Two awards? you are awesome!)
  3. Life in the Drivethru for the Food Stories Nominee for Excellence in Storytelling Award
  4. Alastair’s Blog (again, you sweetheart!) for the One Lovely Blog Award
  5. TotalOvrdose for the Versatile Blogger Award

A big, huge thanks to all of you for your mentions, awards and kind words. I can’t tell you how humbled I am that you guys would think of me. Thank you so very, very much from the bottom of my heart. Your sweetness means the world to me. :)

Now that we’ve talked about the Awesome Awards (and the even more awesome awarders!), let’s move on to the New Year’s Resolutions. My thought about New Year’s Resolutions is poop on their head! Like a lot of people, I’ve made them over the years only to be disappointed in myself a few months down the road for my miserable failures. I’d have been so much happier with myself had I never made the unachievable resolutions in the first place. So, I’ve decided to never make another resolution! Alas, that does not mean that I don’t have things I wanna do in 2013.

Horrifying as it is, my 25 year class reunion is this year. Good God–how is that possible? Am I not still 17 riding around in my girlfriend Susan’s Bronco with a Bartles & James wine cooler in one hand, a cigarette in the other, gossiping about boys? Wasn’t it just yesterday, not 28 years ago, that while at the 7-11 I ran into the guy who stood me up for a movie at my place (my mom actually rented a VCR so I could have him over to watch a movie as we didn’t have one yet–yep, that tells you how old my ass is) and his other date (kill me)? Man, was that awkward! How could it be 25 years ago that I graduated? It just doesn’t seem possible!!!

Well, like most women, I’m bound and determined to lose a few pounds before the reunion. Writing that cookbook put a few extra hunks of delicious, savory butter on my ass (oh, I mean pounds…the butter put the pounds on my ass) that I’d like to shed before flying home, so either I’m going to have to learn how to eat healthier or I’m going to have to borrow a vacuum from someone and perform home liposuction. I’m not sure which one would be more painful!!! :)

This desire to knock off a pants size is not a resolution though. I just happened to be notified about the upcoming event in the last week, so the timing makes it appear to be a resolution, but it is not.

Something else I wanna do in 2013 is learn to curb my potty mouth.  I know I cuss a LOT and I thought…oh shit, I can’t pull that off. I’m sooooo lying here!!! That just ain’t gonna happen. ;)

Ummmm…what else do I wanna do? I don’t know. I figure if I can continue to be happy and healthy, then life is good. I just try and keep that going and that should really be enough.

Okay, so now onto the Other Such Goodies.

I have two things here for ya. One: my cooking spot on WGN-America’s Lunchbreak is gonna air on January 11th. WOO HOO!!!! I’m so excited I could puke. Two: I quit smoking 6 weeks and 1 day ago and I’m so proud of myself I could puke. Wait, that’s a hell of a lot of puking. Let’s just say that my cold-turkey-smoke-quitting-ass is very happy that I’ve been able to maintain the quitting without even a single slip up. Yay!!! And, I haven’t even been a rancid bitch during the emotional withdrawal of one of my very favorite things on earth. I had whittled down my consumption to 4-5 a day (though I crave a pack a day dammit!!!) over the last year so that quitting wouldn’t be such a fuckin’ nightmare, and I still crave those evil (wonderful) sticks constantly, BUT, I’m bound and determined to stay quit as I’d like to live a long and healthy life, so send me no-smoking happy vibes please! :)

Again, I hope you all had a simply magnificent holiday season and I want you to know that I’m thankful for all of your friendship. I’ve met some wonderful people through this blog and you guys mean a ton to me. XOXOXOXO

Blog of the Year Award 2 star thumbnailfoodstoriesnominee_250x286The addictive blog award liebster one-lovely-blog-award1-1 versatileblogger11

TOO MUCH MO FO’n TRAVEL!!!!!

Thank God in Heaven that I’m FINALLY back in my damn house!!! I miss my house!!! I’ve been traveling for the last three weeks with only my day job computer (I ain’t carrying around 2 damn computers!), which I am quite hesitant to use for personal stuff, and I feel disconnected from the world!!! I’ve missed you guys!

First and foremost, may I say, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza and Happy Anything Else I Missed! I love me some holidays!!! I hope that you are all having a blessed and relaxing holiday season. Oh, and if this post has typos, blame it on my fingernails. I got them done (a new acrylic set) for the WGN taping (airing soon–apparently it was quite festive, so they are going to air it closer to Christmas/New Years) and I can’t friggin’ type to save my life!!

On a completely separate note, a while ago, I promised John that I’d post pics of my holiday toenails. I paint them up every year. This year, though, I put the top coat on too soon and smeared my snowman. So, I’m going to redo him this weekend. In the meantime, here’s a pic of my ridiculous toes from last year. :) This year’s Christmas tree looks WAY better than the one below. I’ll post an updated pic once I get my snowman all fixed up. :)

See! No crazy long 2nd toe! But my big toe toenail is jacked up from surgery years ago. It's all stupid looking!

See! No crazy long 2nd toe! But my big toe toenail is jacked up from surgery years ago. It’s all stupid looking!

Ummm…why do my toes look dirty and hairy? I swear, there’s just a tiny bit of fluff on them!!!

Love you guys!

Happy Holidays!!!