Category Archives: Corporations

May 17 2013

Mmmmmm…food…

Howdy everyone! I’m so thankful it’s Friday I could weep like a sad kitten! sad kitten

Since it is hot as friggin’ hell out here in Arizona (someone kill me) I thought since I’m staying inside (never to leave the house again until November) that I’d do two things.

  1. Give you a lip-smacking, damn good recipe from my cookbook.
  2. Give you a link to vote for Rants From My Crazy Kitchen as being one of the top 25 Foodie Moms. You’ll remember her not only from her awesome blog, but she contributed two delicious recipes to the cookbook. Yummy drool drool! Click HERE to vote for her and her awesome blog. I’m sure she will be very thankful you took the time. :)

RECIPE TIME!!!

Okay, so you guys know that I’m a cookbook writer that HATES HATES HATES to cook. Yeah, I know. I’m a whacko. Anyway, I’m going to give you a recipe for one of THE BEST desserts you can ever make and I kid you not, a blind hamster could make it–it’s THAT easy! It’s the perfect cake to take to a BBQ. It’s the perfect cake to take to bed and eat with your hands until you pass out (at least you are already laying down–less likely to get injured).

This recipe is good for a few reasons:

  1. It’s cheap to make.
  2. It’s easy as hell to make and takes about 4 minutes to throw together.
  3. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t want a second helping.
  4. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t want a third helping.

I’m going to give you the recipe straight from the book, little story and all (each recipe has its own story because I talk too damn much!). :) I hope you love it! Oh, and GO VOTE for Rants!! She’s awesome and I’d love to see her make it into the top 25 Foodie Moms again this year. :)

Dump Cake

Let me say that on their own, I don’t like many of the ingredients in this cake. The first time my mom made it and handed me a piece I thought to myself, “GROSS! Cherries and pineapple? Vomit. Must. Keep. Smile. On. Face. While. Gagging.” Then I took a bite. Then I took another. Then I took 20 more and ended up eating 3 pieces of it. Somehow, all the flavors come together into this conglomeration of co-mingled delights in a way that I never would have expected. Of course, anything with a stick and a half of butter is bound to be delicious. Besides which, it truly is the single most easy homemade cake you will ever make. Ever. Period.

Below is Mom’s recipe from 1978. Thank goodness that she saves everything. I sure know who I get my pack rat tendencies from.

 dump cake

The list of yum yums:

  • One 18- to 20-ounce can of cherry pie filling—the extra cherry kind if possible
  • 1 – 1½ sticks of butter
  • One 20-ounce can of un-drained pineapple rings
  • 1 box of yellow cake mix

 Dumping it all together:

  1. Preheat the oven to 350 °F.
  2. Butter the bottom and sides of a 9×13 glass dish.
  3. Place a single layer of pineapple rings on the bottom of the dish and pour the juice over the pineapple.
  4. Pour the can of cherry pie filling on top of the pineapple and spread so the cherries are distributed evenly.
  5. Pour the dry yellow cake mix over the pineapple and cherries and level it out. Don’t mash the cake mix, just gently level it out and make sure it’s evenly dispersed.
  6. The take a stick or stick and a half of butter, slice it into 1/8-inch thick slices and put it over the entire cake top about an inch apart.
  7. Bake at 350 °F for about an hour or until the top is crispy brown.

I can’t even begin to describe how tasty this cake is. And seriously, have you ever read an easier cake recipe? It’s even easier than boxed cake. I would serve this cake to a chef. A president. A Nobel Prize winner. There is no shame in serving this cake to anyone and everyone. It may have taken you 3 minutes to make it, but no one would ever guess that in a million years. It is absolutely fantastic.

Enjoy everyone! Have a fantastic weekend! :) Luv ya!

May 10 2013

Your 2nd Chance at Being a Super Hero! :)

.

TGIMFF! Yeah, had to add a few extra letters to the typical TGIF. you know I can’t help myself!

This post is for my amazing friend Joel, who you may know as Dambreaker (go check out his blog!). He plays sled hockey, which is an adaptive sport of hockey for people with physical disabilities. He’s been playing for over five years and is co-assistant captain of his team in Austin, Texas. Yay Joel!Superfriends

Where your Super Hero-ness comes into play is that he needs our help to raise money to participate in a national sled hockey tournament, which will be held in Boston, Massachusetts (Go Boston!) in Spring of 2014. He has joined with another player on his team to be able to go as his team in Austin is not willing to help individual players get to the tournament (dammit, that sucks). So Joel and his buddy are on his own in this adventure.

They were able to attend the tournament in 2012 which was closer to home in Dallas (Woo hoo!). It was their first time ever entering into any tournament competition and they arrived back home — WINNING THE BRONZE. Pretty dang good for their first time!!!!

Unfortunately, funds were lacking last year and the team was not willing to spend anything to go to the 2013 tournament that was held in Philadelphia.

I’m so inspired by him–I can’t even imagine the dedication it takes to play sled hockey having a physical disability. My lazy ass has a hard time even getting off the sofa and I’m strong as an ox! Bless his heart for all the hard work he puts into it.

Being the determined and hard working man he is, he’s enlisted people who adore him to help out in his amazing journey. He’s working with the Cape Cod Cookie Company who will give a dozen FREE assorted cookies to the highest donation. I’m donating 2 signed copies of each of my three books to the cause. We all want him to succeed!

If you want to help Joel on his journey, you can! Whether you can only afford $.50 or $50 doesn’t matter–every little bit helps as he and his sled hockey teammate have to pay for everything on their own, including food, travel, hotel, strippers (KIDDING!). Here is the donation site: http://www.gofundme.com/2t2pvs

I asked Joel to do some research and write a little bit about the safety of the site so that no one worries about security, and also write a little bit about how he feels about his sport. Here’s what he says, “Because the other player and I saw that there wasn’t any help coming from the team, we decided to go vigilante. Sammy and I LOVE playing the sport! It’s in our veins. And we also love the fact that we are introducing something such as sled hockey to a new group of people who never knew that the sport even existed. The USA even has its own national team. Which is MY DREAM to be a part of. The last Paralympics that was held in 2012, the USA brought home the GOLD medal and has brought home many gold medals from annual worldwide tournaments since then, playing against such sled hockey powerhouses such as Norway and of course, Canada. There IS a team in Phoenix. They are pretty bad ass (from me: of course they are!). The donation site is secure for payment. I’ve never heard of anyone having problems with this site and they have helped out millions of people from teenagers wanting to go on missionary trips to helping the families of victims of recent national tragedies, such as the Boston marathon bombing, hurricane victims in the Gulf, and the victims of the Aurora massacre.”

If you can help Joel out with a donation, that would be great! If you can’t afford to, feel free to send him well-wishes here or on his blog. Any happy vibes coming his way are good!

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know he appreciates and I  certainly do too! Much love!

love teddy
Mar 27 2013

I’ve become a Happy Hooker! Oh! I mean a Happy Housewife!

Sorry. Sometimes I get the roles of hooker and housewife confused. ;) KIDDING!!!

So, for those of you who know me, you’ll recall that I freaking HATE HATE HATE any kind of cleaning. Well, I’ve been a cleaning mo fo for the last week because my mother-in-law is coming into town tonight to stay for 3 weeks and I wanted the house to be all clean and pretty. We’ve spent a fortune in time and money remodeling the house, so I wanted it to look nice.

One constant cleaning issue we were having is that now that we have wood floors, our vacuum does nothing but blow the bits of junk that accumulate on the floor all over the place. It is SO frustrating!!! It’s like there has never been a home in which anyone ever wanted to vacuum over hard wood. And I gotta tell ya, I ain’t sweeping the dang thing then trying to navigate all that crap into a dustpan–which ALWAYS leaves that little dust line on the floor. I just don’t care that much. I’d rather live in filth.

Because of this complete vacuum fail I went on a mission to find a dang vacuum that would work on hard wood and didn’t cost the 4 million dollars that a Dyson costs. Alas, I FOUND ONE!!! YAY!!! And because I love you guys and I well imagine I’m not the only person with this problem, I thought I’d turn my blog into a Hints from Heloise column and tell you that I found the most amazing little vacuum that costs about $50. And it’s shaped like a V so you can vacuum right up along side the corners of walls and chair legs and table legs. It is Mr. Supreme Bad Ass Vacuum and I love him and want to marry him.

Bissell Vacuum    Bissell Vacuum 2

Okay, I don’t want to marry him, but for ME…ME!!! to blog about a cleaning implement, you know it must be good.

Here’s the link to the Bissell site where I bought it: http://www.bissell.com/poweredge-pet-hard-floor-vacuum/?cid=&et_cid=2325499&et_rid=423784763

You need not have pets to enjoy this kick ass vacuum. It works like magic on tile and hard wood (heh heh… I said “hard wood”–sorry, HAD to go there!).

Also, you get free shipping if you order from Bissell.com and I got a 10% off coupon for signing up for their email list.

I think I now have to go lie down because I’ve forgotten who I truly am. Who is this strange woman blogging about vacuums? It certainly can’t be me. Good grief, NO!

Mar 19 2013

I like big words and I cannot lie! (But NOT if they make no sense, dammit!!!!)

.Big Bootie!

I’m shakin’ my ass all over the place now that the Big Butts song is stuck in my head!! ;)

Alas, I digress. Let’s get down to it!

Good grief. People drive me bonkers.

All of you guys know that I like to rant and fume about grammar, punctuation, word choice, etc… I find it fun (if not horribly hypocritical since I make mistakes all the time!) to throw fits over the ways that people speak and write. I’m a hideous person. I know.  ;)

I  also know that I like to occasionally use words that are longer than 6 letters. Not because they are longer than 6 letters, but because they fit with what I’m trying to say. I’m an old (stress the word old) English major, so I’ve read a bunch and know a fair amount of words.

BUT!!!! What I do NOT do is throw in 25 cent words to try and make myself sound smart because guess what? It doesn’t make anyone sound smart to use big words for the sole purpose of using big words and confusing people. It only makes the person speaking (or writing) look like an insecure asshat when they use words, especially buzz words, to sound all fancy.

This drives me insane: “I’m smarter than you because I said, ‘wheelhouse, out of the box and quorum’ all in one sentence! Don’t you feel dumb that you didn’t understand my sentence at all? You should, because I’m smart and use words in a way that no one gets because I’m brilliant and you are stupid.”

I swear, people who speak like that make me want to pull my hair out for several reasons. 1) Stop being a pompus ass! 2) You aren’t communicating effectively, you retarded moron 3) You are clearly incredibly insecure because you are trying to sound smart by confusing everyone with your idiotic words.

If no one understands you, then maybe you shouldn’t speak? What’cha think about that? I personally like that idea.

If you say this sentence, “I think we should meet on Friday to discuss the project,” like this, “I am in favor of uniting a quorum of individuals to address which artifacts should be discussed in our iterative meeting  based on the developmental progress of our deliverable on the last day of the work week,” I immediately want to kill you. And not just kill you, but KILL YOU kill you. Painfully. With malice. Some kind of medieval or Shakespearean kind of death.

Why oh why does anyone think they sound smart by speaking like that? Why? Help me understand. I don’t get it. It’s so annoying and frustrating and makes me feel sorry for you. I think to myself, “Awwww…that poor fucking idiot must feel so small and stupid that they think speaking like a research paper being graded on a per-word basis makes them sound smart.”

Sorry, I know that my filter removal is at an all-time high (especially the death threats) but I’m constantly surrounded by people who do that and it makes me want to jam pencils into my ears while screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

ScreamingOtter

Communication, effective communication, is all about speaking or writing in a way in which people are able to, wait for it… understand what you are saying. If you aren’t effectively communicating, then why bother speaking?

My heart goes out to people who are so insecure. I want to both shake the shit out of them and pat their little insecure heads and tell them it’ll all be okay.

Alrighty, I’m done. All these words have worn me out. I’m going mono-syllabic for the rest of the day. (Right!!) ;)

Mar 15 2013

$.99 Kick Ass Book Special Almost Over. Let the Weeping Begin! ;)

$.99 to get some yummy nookie, tons of cuddles and scrumptious tasty treats for only a few more days! Holy cow!

    New Sex Book Cover 225 pixels wide black outline    New Intimacy Book Cover Small with black border 1-20-13    Book Cover Small

You guys all kick ass for being some book buying mo fos! :) I am thrilled at how many of you have taken advantage of my $.99 get your nookie-, intimacy- and food-on special!!

Since there is less than a week left of the special before the books go back to full price, rather than cost, I wanted to do one more blog post so that anyone who missed the first one could still grab ‘em up while they’re on the cheap! ;)

  • If you read the first blog on this, but didn’t get any books, then READ WHAT’S BELOW! ;)
  • If you read the first blog on this and did get some books, then ignore the rest of this one and know that I love you dearly.
  • If you didn’t read the first blog on this then read on my friend and grab some book goodies for the next few days.

Here’s how this is gonna go down. (All the purpley text below are links that’ll take you to the books.)

First, for those of you with Nooks, I lowered the price as low as they’ll let me go to $.99 for both Sex: How to Get More of It and Intimacy: How to Get More of It. I’m going to leave the price at $.99 for another few days so that you have plenty of time to download them. The cookbook is not on Nook as formatting the bullets and numbered lists is a friggin’ bitch and the cookbook is chock full of both bullets and numbered lists. Just the idea of the 200 hours it’d take to format it (and it would still look poopy!) makes me wanna kill myself, but there is a solution, which I’ll share in a minute. So, if you wanted to get copies of the “how to have a kick ass relationship” books, but I either ran out of hard copies during the giveaway or you live in another country or you just prefer having books on your Nook, then this is your time to get them nearly free. :) Woo hoo!

After the $.99 pricing is over, I’m going to temporarily make Sex and Intimacy unavailable on the Nook and join a program called Kindle Select. By doing so, Kindle Select makes you remove your books from sale anywhere else electronically for 3 months, which is why I’ll have to take them off the Nook on B&N.com.

Now, for those of you with Kindles, I also dropped the price of both Sex: How to Get More of It and Intimacy: How to Get More of It  down to $.99 (the lowest price Kindle allows) for the next few days. Yay!

But wait, there’s more! For the next few days I’ll also keep the Kindle price of Darn Good Eats down to $.99. Yay!

If you don’t have a Kindle or a Nook, fear not! Kindle has free apps you can download to your desktop computer, laptop computer, iPad, iPhone, Android phone, etc…which allow you to read Kindle books without an actual Kindle. Here’s the link to download those apps: KINDLE APPS. (This link is for the US Kindle/Amazon page, but it’s available for all countries. Just go to either of the Kindle links for my books on your own country’s Amazon page and you should see a link on the right-hand side of the screen that’ll take you to the page to download the readers.)

Last, but not least, one more goodie for you! Also, for the next few days, I’m going to keep the price of the paperbacks for Sex, Intimacy and Darn Good Eats dropped down to cost on Amazon. I can’t drop the price on the paperbacks on Barnes & Noble or I’ll actually owe them money for selling my books. How crazy is that???? So, pretty please get them on Amazon.

Here are the lowest prices they’ll allow me to sell the paperbacks for since they cost money to print (in US pricing, though I brought the international pricing down as low as they’d let me too!) :) :

Just as with the hard-copy giveaway, if you guys wouldn’t terribly mind, if you like the books you read or feel like you learned something valuable from them, would you pretty please with a cherry on top write a kick ass review on Amazon? I would appreciate it more than you could ever know. :) :)

I hope for the next few days you guys are some downloading maniacs and that you enjoy the books tremendously. Tons of love! :)

Guess I shouldn't advertise such things in public!

Guess I shouldn’t advertise such things in public!

Mar 5 2013

99 Cents for Sex, Intimacy and a Happy Belly (This is written on the sandwich board I’m wearing and I’ve been assaulted twice)

..

$.99 to get you yummy nookie, tons of cuddles and scrumptious tasty treats! Holy cow!

Guess I shouldn't advertise such things in public!

Guess I shouldn’t advertise such things in public!

I want to thank all of you, from the bottom of my furry little heart, for participating in my book giveaway! I was so tickled at all the responses I got. It means the world to me that so many of you wanted my books and would be willing to write reviews for them (only if you like them though). :) I can’t believe how many books I have to mail. The guy at the post office (and all those in line behind me) are gonna want me dead. Ha ha. :)

Of course, because the Pony Express charges so much for mailing to other countries that I would have had to change professions and buy some knee pads in order to afford shipping the books overseas, I’ve decided to do the next best thing. I’m gonna give those of you with Nooks and Kindles (or any kind of computer–which I assume you all have as you are reading this right now) the opportunity to get the books as cheap as humanly possible. (I’m even temporarily gutting the prices of the paperbacks because I love you guys so much!) :)

Here’s how this is gonna go down. (All the red text below are links that’ll take you to the books.)

First, for those of you with Nooks, I’ve ajust lowered the price as low as they’ll let me go to $.99 for both Sex: How to Get More of It and Intimacy: How to Get More of It. I’m going to leave the price at $.99 for 2 weeks so that you have plenty of time to download them. The cookbook is not on Nook as formatting the bullets and numbered lists is a friggin’ bitch and the cookbook is chock full of both bullets and numbered lists. Just the idea of the 200 hours it’d take to format it (and it would still look poopy!) makes me wanna kill myself, but there is a solution, which I’ll share in a minute. So, if you wanted to get copies of the “how to have a kick ass relationship” books, but I either ran out of hard copies during the giveaway or you live in another country or you just prefer having books on your Nook, then this is your time to get them nearly free. :) Woo hoo!

After the 2 weeks of $.99 pricing is over, I’m going to temporarily make Sex and Intimacy unavailable on Barnes&Noble and join a program called Kindle Select. By doing so, Kindle Select makes you remove your books from sale anywhere else electronically for 3 months, which is why I’ll have to take them off the Nook on B&N.com.

Now, for those of you with Kindles, I’m also going to drop the price of both Sex: How to Get More of It and Intimacy: How to Get More of It  down to $.99 (the lowest price Kindle allows) for two weeks. Yay!

But wait, there’s more! For the next 2 weeks I’ll also drop the Kindle price of Darn Good Eats down to $.99. Yay!

If you don’t have a Kindle or a Nook, fear not! Kindle has free apps you can download to your desktop computer, laptop computer, iPad, iPhone, Android phone, etc…which allow you to read Kindle books without an actual Kindle. Here’s the link to download those apps: KINDLE APPS. (This link is for the US Kindle/Amazon page, but it’s available for all countries. Just go to either of the Kindle links for my books on your own country’s Amazon page and you should see a link on the right-hand side of the screen that’ll take you to the page to download the readers.)

Last, but not least, one more goodie for you! Also, for the next two weeks, I’m going to drop the paperback price of Sex, Intimacy and Darn Good Eats down super cheap on Amazon. I can’t drop the price on the paperbacks on Barnes & Noble or I’ll actually owe them money for selling my books. How crazy is that???? So, pretty please get them on Amazon.

Here are the lowest prices they’ll allow me to sell the paperbacks for since they cost money to print (in US pricing, though I brought the international pricing down as low as they’d let me too!) :) :

I updated the pricing this morning. Sometimes it takes up to a day or so for the prices to update (maybe a day or two in other countries), but hopefully they’ll already be updated by the time I publish this post on Tuesday afternoon. :)

Just as with the hard-copy giveaway, if you guys wouldn’t terribly mind, if you like the books you download or order or feel like you learned something valuable from them, would you pretty please with a cherry on top write a kick ass review on Amazon? I would appreciate it more than you could ever know. :) :)

I hope for the next two weeks you guys are some downloading maniacs and that you enjoy the books tremendously. Tons of love! :)

Jan 11 2013

Drum roll please!!! Here it is! The snort heard round the world!

Okay, so it wasn’t heard round the world. Apparently, my snort was a quiet one so it’s not like some horribly loud nightmare from which I can never escape. THANK YOU, GOD!!! :) Book Cover Small

For those of you that either don’t get the first hour of the midday news on WGN or for those of you who live somewhere far, far away…I have a link for you to see it. Yay!

Just click this link or on the pic below to watch: Jodi Cooking? WTF???

Thanks so much to all of you for being so wonderful and supportive!!! :) I hope you enjoy the segment and love the sammich!! :)

PS: I realized that I look preggers in my apron!!! I must get a new apron that doesn’t add a 6 month old fetus to my outfit!

Holy crap! There I am! :)

Holy crap! There I am! :)

 

Jan 10 2013

I dropped an “LY” and snorted and you can see it happen!

Yep, the girl that wrote an entire blog about people not properly using “LY” on the end of adverbs didn’t use one while filming my upcoming WGN-America segment! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Honest to God, I almost corrected myself right then and there. I was horrified. And tomorrow, Friday 1/11/13, you too can be horrified! My cooking segment will be airing around-ish 11:45 am Central time during WGN’s mid-day news. Woo hoo!

Oh, and to add insult to injury, I freaking SNORTED while laughing!!! I bet I snort maybe once a year while laughing and yet for some reason my body decided to do it on film right at the very end of the segment. Ugh! I don’t even remember what we were chuckling about, but yep, I snorted. EEEEEEE gawds, what on earth!?

So, if you want to see a non-cook actually cook something on air (if I can cook it, anyone can!) and if you want to hear me use improper grammar and snort like some kind of rutting animal, set your DVR. ;)

Once it airs, they’ll post a video of it on their site. I’ll post it for you guys in America or Canada who don’t get WGN (do you live in a cave??) or for those of you who are abroad and so it makes sense you wouldn’t get WGN.

I’m nervous as hell, so hopefully it turns out well. I’m not usually nervous on air, but COOKING on air? ME? Goodness gracious. Keep your fingers crossed that it rocks (or at least doesn’t suck!). :) XOXO

Me, with 2 lions growing out of my head, at the WGN studio. Yay!

Me, with 2 lions growing out of my head, at the WGN studio. Yay!

Dec 2 2012

Playboy Sirius XM Radio, here I come again!

 

I’m so happy that I’ll be back on Playboy Radio for the third time tomorrow.

Whew, this is gonna be a busy week.  I’ll be on Playboy Sirius XM Radio tomorrow afternoon, Monday, December 3rd at around 1:00 Pacific, 4:00 Eastern, for a fun and titillating conversation with the beautiful and engaging Tiffany Granath as we talk about my philosophy on a happy life: Flatter, Frolic and Feed Your Honey. My first two books take care of 1 and 2. My cookbook takes care of 3.  :)  http://www.siriusxm.com/playboyradio

Then I’m on LA Talk Radio with the lovely and amazing Michelle Cannon Sullivan tomorrow night at 5:00 Pacific, 8:00 Eastern. http://www.latalkradio.com/Destiny.php

And finally, off to Chicago Wednesday night to film a TV cooking segment on Thursday morning for WGN America! Woo hoo!!! Still not sure if it’s going to air on Thursday’s or Friday’s lunchtime news show. Once I know I’ll give you the scoop. Just to make sure you can see it, set your DVR to record WGN’s news show starting next Thursday. That way, you won’t miss it.

I’m so nervous I could vomit and so excited I could scream. YAY!!!

I hope you can join me for all my fun this week.

HUGS!

 

 

v
Nov 13 2012

HOLY CRAP! OH MY GOD! I’M FREAKING OUT! HAPPINESS!!

 

I’m going to explode from terror, excitement and more terror!!!

I’m going to be on NATIONAL MO FOing TV!!!

I’m going to do a cooking segment on WGN out of Chicago–but it’s broadcast nationally.

I’m going to go pass out now. HOLY SHITCAKES!!!

This is my HOLY SHITCAKES face!