Nooooooooooo! The Beginning of the End.

Well, it’s confirmed.

I’m older than Methuselah!

And I’m able to document when my ancient-ness started to the exact day. How many people can say that?

So, there I am, putting on a little makeup before the man gets home so that I don’t rival the Crypt Keeper for ugliest freak show on earth and I see something in my eyebrow.

“What on earth is that?” I ask myself.

Then I flip the mirror around to the 10x magnification side (eeeee gawds, don’t ever do that!) and saw this monstrosity:

Eyebrow from Hell 2014What in the ever-loving hell is that?

Who ever heard of such a hideous thing?

Half luxurious black. Half Jodi-is-old-as-dirt gray.

What the fuck????????

I’m too young for this!

Oh, and add to the grayness the fact that that eyebrow hair is 300 feet long.

It looks like a 90-year-old man’s nose hair.

Hmmm…what shall I do to cheer myself up?

I’m thinking a splurge of pizza for dinner.

Yep, that’ll heal what ails me.

:)

Hope you guys are having a good week! XO

 

 

Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Fuck no! ;)

.

Yes, yes…I know. I’ve been gone forever. I have no good excuse (but I’m gonna give you several!) except that I needed a break.

EXCUSE 1: Sex? What’s sex?

Between twitter, FB and the 10 other sites I manage, I just had to put my foot down and realize that the hubby needed more sex from me! Too much time on the computer is not good.

KIDDING!!! He was still gettin’ it good. But I felt like I was only giving him one ear in the evenings cause my brain was in my computer all the time. That is a no-no.

EXCUSE 2: All work and no play make Jodi a raving lunatic.

The day job is killing me! I average about 65 hours a week doing nothing but using my brain to the best of its ability. My job isn’t one where you get a little brain downtime. It’s non-stop, all day long, until I run out of the house tearing out my hair and begging for the neighbors to shoot me. I thought it would have settled down by now, but not yet. Alas, the thought of even looking at a computer once the work day is over makes me rather ill.

EXCUSE 3: That mother fuckin’ Atkins diet about put me in the hospital.

I have NEVER felt worse in my life. I, and I kid you not, was falling unconscious at 6pm and sleeping like I was in a coma until the alarm would wake me up at 7am. It was horrible. And my poor tummy…man, my body does not like all that protein! Total suck.

So, please forgive my Exit Stage Left without warning. I feel like a schmuck as I love you guys and really have missed you. I just need work to calm down a bit so that I can happily embrace my computer after the workday is done.

Oh, and I’ve had two chickens die in the last month…one of old age and another one (one of the replacement-so-wifey-isn’t-sad-about-dead-chicken chickens) who drowned when our back yard had its monthly irrigation. Poor little critter. So yes, I’ve been a bit off lately. But will be back soon enough and then you’ll wish I’d stayed hidden! ;)

In an effort to say I’m sorry I’m going to do another Kindle book giveaway this upcoming Friday-Tuesday. I’ll post details later, but since you all live so far away from me I don’t know what else to do to say LOVE YA except give you free stuff.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

 

 

DON’T READ! YOU’LL DIE! OR GO BLIND! OR EXPLODE! OR IMPLODE! IT’LL BE A HORROR! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Okay, to say you’ve been warned is an understatement. I did an entire preemptive blog post about NOT READING THIS! ;)

It really is sinfully inappropriate and has VERY bad cuss words (yes, including THE worst word as far as women are concerned). So, if you read this, read at your own risk.

Now that the disclaimers are on the table, let’s get down to the good stuff. :)

I had a job a while ago and hired a wonderful man to work for me. He is the funniest, smarmiest Brit and we got along famously from the moment we met. Of course, as a boss I was initially such a good girl around him (meaning I didn’t say, “Fuckedy fuck fuck fuck” and kept my sass mouth to a minimum).

Well, one day while in the studio one of us (I don’t even recall who) slipped and said Fuck and no one cared (duh…). All I remember thinking is that it was such a relief to know that we could talk like normal people and not worry about our language.

Well…from that point on it just got wonderfully worse and worse. Then we started hanging out outside of work and became even better friends.

Even though he was technically my employee, I certainly considered him more of a coworker as we busted ass together everyday to get the job done. I became “Boss Lady” and he became “Minion.” We still hang out and have the most egregious conversations that make me laugh and laugh and laugh.

So, we finally got to the point where our one liners would make us giggle so hard that we created twitter pages and would post the awful things one another would say. But the good part was that what we’d say was still totally organic and not for the sake of posting it. We just kept on like we always had, but occasionally documented the craziness. Below is a sample of the hideous shit that would come out of our mouths. I’ll start with my unforgivable sassiness, then move on to his.

I hope this actually makes you laugh as none of it (well, 98% of it) doesn’t have a single mean thought behind it. It was all just for comic relief as we worked in a fucking nut house and needed to let of steam lest we burn the place to the ground.

Enjoy!

FROM ME TO MY LOVELY MINION

“I rule. Never forget it lest ye be reminded in unpleasant, analy intrusive ways.” (Really, just a general observation that anyone working for me should believe down deep in their heart.)

“Go masturbate to midget porn in the parking lot.” (I figure sometimes a man needs an unusual kind of release!)

“I will dress in all vinyl and lick shoes.” (On how I could launch a fetish website where I don’t actually show any body parts but charge a fortune to pervs who like shoe licking.)

To another coworker: “Bitch, I will knock you out.” (And I will, dammit!)

“I’m the girl that goes to Albertson’s to take a shit.” (God…I can’t believe I’m not deleting this one. Well, any of you who’ve read my Intimacy book already know this. Someone kill me, please? I share way too much.)

“With a little ketchup, children taste like chicken.” (Yeah, I don’t know. I’m a horrible person.)

“I’m nothing if not offensive.” (Ain’t that the truth!)

“I think my boobs grew overnight. They won’t stay wrangled today.” (THEY WOULDN’T! Sometimes it feels like either elves came in during the night and tailored my bra a size smaller or God went “Ding!” and grew them a size while I slept. I’ll never understand but woo hoo to big boobies!)

“I have no dignity, it’s all been raped out of me.” (Yep. Truly horrible. But we giggled like school children in church.)

“The number of old men that have seen my boobies…” (Okay, I don’t really think there are that many…but for some reason the comment seemed apropos at the time.)

“She’s so douchey I can smell vinegar all the way over here.”  (Honest to God, that bitch was such a douche that I wanted to start calling her Eve…as in Summer’s…)

“Go gay. You can share clothes.” (I think this is a great idea for everyone!)

“Cantaloupe, my friend. I’ll bring in a wig you can stick on it tomorrow.” (Okay, side story to this one. I always think that if I were a guy I’d stick my pecker into all sorts of things. I think I’d start with a warm cantaloupe. Cut out a hole and have at it. Seems perfect! So, I used to share that philosophy with some of my friends at work and even created a Ms. Cantaloupe name plate with her photo on it—a cantaloupe with a blonde wig, big blue eyes and pouty red lips. Needless to say it was just wonderfully horrifying. So, I said that lovely comment to my wonderful minion when he was whining about not getting laid enough. Ha!)

“Fuck a duck.” (An oldie, but a goodie.)

“My dear, you are so sweet and I appreciate it, but FUCK THAT TWAT!” (In response to my lovely minion apologizing to me about a situation we got into at work with the girl that smelled douchy. Tee hee hee. She is/was/will always be a major twat!)

“I’m going to bring a dick to work, just so you can suck it.” (This is one of my all-time favorites. I thought my minion was going to choke to death he was laughing so hard.)

FROM MY MINION TO ME

“I’m not into water sports, but whenever I see Fergie I kinda want to pee on her. Is that weird.” (YES that’s weird, you fucktard! But a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.)

“Had a dog assplosion. On my way.” (A text explaining why he was late to work. He was usually late and I didn’t care, but I loved this particular excuse.)

“In one sentence I cock blocked the dude she was with and made her cry. WIN!” (Horrible man! Though the girl to which he is referring was a total hosebeast, so I can’t fault him too much.)

“In the words of a wise woman I USED to like, ‘Eat a bag of dicks.'” (Quoting me, because I say horrible things! He only USED to like me cause I left and went to a new job, stranding him with all the asshats we used to take on as a team. Poor thing…)

“Kill me plzthxbye.” (I’m always willing to lend a guy an ax…or hammer…or some other device for killing. I’m that kind of friend!)

“Dear Jesus, thank you for Soma and weed… Without these things I would surely scalp my current boss and violate her corpse in a fit of rage… Which might create a bit of a legal snag.” (After I left my job, my wonderful ex-minion texted me this about his new boss. Ha! I felt so loved and missed!)

“My mother just asked me if I’ve seen my father’s penis. I really want to die right now.” (I kinda wanna die too.)

“Buses? How the fuck do you spell the plural of buss?!?! I need another drink.” (Yep, not always sober at work. ;) )

“…other than the fact that you like to encourage me to make love to inanimate objects, you mean?” (Look, if a man is having a dry spell I’m all about encouraging the use of alternative forms of relief. I’m non-judgmental like that!)

“Because you’re a sick cunt.” (While you might think this is just horrible, that shit made me laugh soooo hard!! Who says that?? To their boss? It was awesome. God only knows what I said to warrant such a comment—probably something equally horrible, if not worse. ;) )

“I just bought a mentally challenged guy a whiskey. That makes me a philanthropist, right?” (Good Lord…this is wrong in so many ways…He’s clearly going to Hell.)

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” (Yep, you can see why I like him so much! That kinda talk is right up my alley!)

“Jesus Herbert Christ.  Women are fucking horrible (present company excluded).” (Hey, at least he excluded me, though I’m sure I’m often quite horrible.)

“I want to kill anything that has a vagina.” (HA! I know I’ve wanted to kill all pecker-having creatures before, so I totally get this sentiment.)

“Know this: I am the most awesome guy you ever met.” (His humility is his most endearing quality.)

“Hoarders” totally ripped off my show “Silverfish Charlie and the Cat Pee Kids”. (EWWWW!!)

“Why am I always the ruiner of lives?” (Because he’s so good at it?)

“Do you know anyone that makes and/or sells moonshine?” (Yep…there may be a drinking-related problem there. ;) )

“For the record, I didn’t start the fight.” (Yeah, yeah…that’s what they all say.)

“I now have one less item on my bucket list. Just watched a deaf girl sing karaoke.” (Bless her heart! I’m a total karaoke chicken—I could take a lesson from such a brave girl!)

“What in the name of Jupiter’s asshole is True Cloud?” (Does Jupiter have a butt? I learn something new everyday.)

“Portable studio? Rape dungeon? No one can hear you scream.” (Rape dungeon! Holy shit. You’d think this might make me scared of him and the millions of hours we’d spend alone at the office…alas, it just made me pass out laughing. This was in reference to us getting a functional recording studio that could move around at the whim of a bunch of bosses who think letting you stay in the same fucking desk area for more than two weeks is a shit idea. Fuckheads.)

“There’s something sinister about eating eels that just came out of your own asshole.” (Honest to God…I don’t want to know. Isn’t eating anything out of one’s backside kinda fucked up?)

“Is it weird that I’m erect now?” (I assume all men are erect all the time. So no. Not weird.)

“Okay, I’m going to find a ram to sacrifice for you.” (How sweet! I’ve never had anyone sacrifice anything for me before. I feel all special.)

“Why are they killing our cube?” (Yep, yet another example of bosses moving us around for no good damn reason. Whoever wrote the business book“Who Moved My Cheese?” should be shot and killed. I can only imagine that businesses have spent $10,000,000,000,000,000 simply moving their employees from desk to desk to desk because God forbid anyone get comfortable at the office. It might actually lead to an employee being happy on occasion. PS: For those of you who know that piece of shit book, I one time had to dress up like one of the mice and perform like a trained monkey at a sales conference. It was horrible. I did NOT get paid enough money to make such an ass of myself. Total SUCK!)

“If it weren’t for alcohol, I’d probably be a serial killer. I’d only target morons though.” (I’m pretty sure he is a serial killer. He gets this look on his face that thrills me and terrifies the masses. I know he’s a kitten on the inside…way, way, way, way down deep.)

“I’m awesome, but I’m not a prostitute.” (Then, my friend, you are not awesome.)

So there you have it. While I do NOT miss that job one tiny bit (wanted to die everyday), I totally miss the insane amounts of fun my minion and I had together. We worked hard but managed to take the edge off with truly horrible discourse. Love him for making my days brighter through inappropriate behavior. Woo hoo!

Hope you aren’t all disgusted beyond belief, but remember, I warned you so NO GUFF! ;)

Love ya! Have a great weekend! XO

PS: My minion is the same person who turned me onto Angry Birds. FUCKER! At least I finally kicked that habit…now if only Candy Crush would explode and die. ;)

ADULT EYES ONLY! Don’t read this. Blind yourself. Smash your computer. Search term antics gone awry!

I thought it was about time for another “search term” blog. I swear, I laugh out loud when I read the list of search terms people use and then somehow end up on my blog. I mean, not only do I find it odd that some of these terms bring people here, but I find it even more peculiar that people search for some of these terms. I know it takes all types, but good grief, some of this shit is messed up.

In order to make this post interactive, I’ve tried to figure out which of my posts the searchers were linked to based on their search terms. So, in most cases the bolded text below will also be a link to the corresponding post on my site. Those of you who are new here can read all the horrifyingly inappropriate crap that I’ve written that brings these whacko searchers to my front door.

But before you read below, please know that it is horrible and filled with hideously foul language. It is NOT for the sensitive amongst you. This is a post for people with strong stomachs and rogue senses of humor. If you don’t like 4-letter words, turn back now.

You have now been officially warned and I don’t want no guff about my language! Got it? Got it. ;)

I hate cleaning: Well, if there has ever been a truer search term that would bring someone to my blog, I don’t know what it could be. ;)

I hate the word trending: Fuck you, trending.

Not in my wheelhouse: Fuck you too, wheelhouse!

What’s in my wheelhouse?: Stupid damn wheelhouse. SHUT UP about your wheelhouse. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR WHEELHOUSE!

Adult eyes only: Well, they came to the right place for that!

Bad grammer sucks it: Yep. Bad “grammEr” does suck it. ;)

Correct grammar for this wonderful life dear lord, im forever thankful: Ummm… the amount of errors in the “correct grammar dear lord” search is horrifying. Pot calling kettle?

Tiffany Granath: Love me some Tiffany Granath and Playboy SiriusXM.

How to do sex:  I gotta say, if you can’t even ask about it properly, how do you expect to do it properly?? I guess that’s why they are asking! ;) Man, I’m a bitch.

If you muff a woman that’s on the pill: What exactly is muffing a woman? Since when is “muff” a verb?

Jodi Ambrose sex sex Jodi: Sorry to let you down, but there will be no Jodi sex videos. Nope. Nada. Nil.

Author Jodi Ambrose: That’s me, baby!

Jodi wise: Hell yeah, I am. Every 5th Tuesday in February during a Leap Year.

Spanked battleaxe: You tryin’ to say something? Battleaxe?? If I find you…

Jodi arias sex pics: God why did she have to have my first name even spelled the same way? Ugh.

i+want+to+sex+you: No. You may not. I will not be sexed by you.

Kicking ass and taking names: Yep. That’s my job description.

Toilet monster: YOU’RE a toilet monster! So there!

Good blog sassy: Why thank you! I love that this search term brought them here. I guess I have to send a check to Google for being so nice.

Jodi sucks it: Okay, since I’m not technically a hooker I can only assume they are talking about a different Jodi. Unless my past has come back to haunt me.  ;)

Jodi Beth Ambrose: How do you know my middle name? Are you a stalker? Should I be worried?

Massengill medicated powder: Can we quit it with the Massengill please? Why is it always about rotten crotch?

I’m positive you’re a douche: No, I’m positive YOU are a douche.

I licked my mom’s douche: God…that freaking story is going to follow me around for the rest of my damn life, ain’t it?

I want more sex: Who doesn’t? Here’s a tissue. Get in line.

Women sexy feet finger toes death: So…uhhhh…yeah…I try to avoid necrophiliacs. Please go away.

Hello Kitty having sex: Fucked up. Period.

What do strippers smell like: I know! I know! Read here to find out.

How to smell like a stripper: Does one usually WANT to smell like a stripper? Though I imagine many of them smell quite good.

Guess my muff: Guess your own damn muff! (I love the word muff.)

Guess my snatch: Guess your own damn snatch!

Monster muff: Can we please not admit to having a monster muff in public? That’s what confession is for.

Rape butt cry: Can someone get me a cop? Please? I am disturbed.

Sadistic torture pulling out toenails: Ummm…what the fuck? Please stay off my website, blog and planet. I’m frightened.

Stupid TV Bitches: Nice. Didn’t your mama teach you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything? Oh. Wait. My mom taught me that. I guess I just didn’t listen! ;)

Snuffaluffagus: SEE! They searched with all “Fs” because his name should NOT have “Ps” in it. Stupid P ruining my childhood memories.

Unicorn peeing a rainbow, unicorn vomiting rainbows, unicorn pooping rainbows, unicorns sex, unicorns with shotguns, unicorn with rainbows out of ass: Lot’s of unicorn awfulness going on here. Why unicorns, you sickos? Oh, wait, I think I Googled “drunk unicorns” and “puking rainbow unicorns” trying to find my own inappropriate unicorn picture. I am no better.

Lions and tigers and bears: Oh my!

Furry feet chickens: Ain’t nothin’ better than a furry footed chicken!

Impoliteness sneak a chicken: Is it impolite to sneak a chicken? Into where am I sneaking the chicken? A movie theater? Someone’s house? An orgy? More specifics please.

Otter toes: I love me some otter toes!

Otters a sexy: Sick freak.

Owl and no fucks were given that day: Hmmm…the owl gave no fucks that day? Or no owls nor fucks were given that day? Be clear, dammit!

Ninja chicken: Hell yeah, ninja chicken!

Turkey country women porn: Wha? What kind of image or story was this person imagining finding?

Girl peeing toilet, girl in toilet while on phone, sucks off in toilet, girl using bathroom on the phone, pee on girl, big ass girl on loo: Wow. That’s a lot of wanting to see girls on the pot. WHAT IS SO HOT ABOUT WATCHING A GIRL PEE??? I don’t get it. I’m slightly horrified. Gross. Oh, wait, I do recall posting a picture of a girl peeing while talking on the phone. I’m perpetuating this, so I can’t complain.

Happy father’s day dad who’s in heaven: Awww…this is a sweet one. Happy Father’s Day to all the daddies out there!

Peeing on teddy bear: That is wrong. Just wrong. You need to go fuck yourself. Who would pee on a teddy bear? Car teddy would be PISSED! (No pun intended.)

Ducks without beaks: Yet again, that is so very, very wrong. Who wants to see a duck without a beak???

Who started the whole duckface pose thing: FUCKING DUCK FACE HATE IT! Dang, I need a valium.

Boob spider: Okay, yeah. I wrote a blog about a muff spider. I can see how this search term would bring someone here. Good Lord…

Slut searchers: Ya know, I’ve often been a Slut Searcher. It’s like looking for Big Foot, only significantly easier.

Chicks in slutty dresses hen: I know I dressed a bit wild when I was young, but this person seemed to be looking for chicks as in chickens that are dressed sluttily. I didn’t know chickens dressed like that. Mine just run around naked.

Drunk puke slut pics: Okay, so I have one or more of those in my photo album. Who doesn’t?

Slut newsletter: Is that what you think my blog is? Mo fo!? Well…maybe sometimes…

Women’s naked fat boobs and balls for boobs: “Balls for boobs?” Sounds like some kind of perverted charity.

Needle giant boobs: I’m picturing “needle” boobs being 2 feet long and about an inch wide. I guess those could be considered giant.

Snoring man angry woman: Is there any other kind of woman when a man is snoring?

Clapping your hands and snoring: Now THAT is a skill and is one that will get you killed in my house.

Road rag fuckn aye: I’m going to assume they meant, “Road rage, fuckin’ a?”

Angry birds fucking pigs laughing blog: STUPID ANGRY BIRDS I HATE THEM DIE ANGRY BIRDS! ;)

Wedding vows that combine pagan and Christian themes: That’s what my hubby’s and mine did. Shockingly enough, it worked out quite well.

How honest should online dating profiles be?: VERY! DAMMIT! NO LIES! DAMMIT!

Stupidity will be dealt with accordingly: Preach on. Mama does not suffer fools very well.

Two ears one mouth shut the fuck up cartoon: Ha! That’s almost the exact same search phrase I used to find a picture like that!

Well I love fucking erotic cakes but I am considerate of others and clean up when i’m done: This is one of my all-time favorites. God bless someone who cleans up after themselves. But how in the hell did this search term bring them to my blog???

Why does my chicken yell when it poops?: Why do any of us?

And just in case you are curious, yes, this post took 1.2 million years of my life to write, so I hope like hell you enjoyed it! :) :) :)

To all the Smokes I’ve loved before…

…you can go suck it because I beat you!!!!

I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

I’ve been more stressed the last few weeks (as you guys know) then I’ve been in a looooooong time. And even though hari kari was calling my name and I kept eyeballing the shotgun and taser, I managed to NOT SMOKE even a single drag!!!

It’s been 4 months, 28 days and 9 hours since I had a puff on a cigarette (not that I’m counting). Yay!! And it was TEMPTING!! That night my sister was my superhero and I sat in my car crying and screaming on the phone to her, there was a pack of unopened smokes just sitting in my glovebox. I keep them there to prove to myself that I don’t need them. And it worked.

Quitting cold turkey after smoking since I was 14 (with a few breaks here and there) wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m so excited that I managed to say no to the Yummy Sticks. Yes, I call them Yummy Sticks. Honest to God, smoking is one of my very favorite things on earth. I almost never drink (maybe 2-3 glasses of wine a year), I don’t do drugs (unless you count Valium to go to the dentist) and so smoking was my deliciously wicked vice. Now I have no vices! I can’t even be a slut cause I’m a married old broad. KIDDING! I never was much for the slutty behavior (but I love me some sluts, so if you are slutty I love your slutty ass).

For those of you who have been or who are smokers, you know exactly what I’m talking about. For those of you who have never been smokers, you are truly blessed to not know the misery of not being able to light up. I’ve heard quitting smoking compared to giving up the needle and it doesn’t surprise me one bit!

See, here’s my best friend and me enjoying a nice, yummy smoke after a delicious dinner a couple of years ago. We look so joyful and happy to be alive! Ahh…the good ole days…

So that everyone out there understands why I used to like smoking so much (and I will again if I’m ever terminally ill, dammit!!!!) I’m going to put a little video clip here from the TV show Frasier. This scene PERFECTLY describes what is so tantalizing about a cigarette.

The whole clip is funny, but if you skip ahead to about 1:06 (the clip’s about 3 minutes long) you’ll get to the heart of the true smoker’s dream.

Enjoy! And NEVER start smoking if you aren’t a smoker now. Why put yourself through the hell of quitting? It totally sucks balls. :)

XOXOXO