Your opinion on virtually sticking “it” places it don’t belong! :)

Howdy!

I hope everyone is having a good week. Thanks the good Lord it’s almost Friday. I swear my brain stopped working around 11am today and I’m about done for. ;)

So, I want to reach out to you guys to answer my poll. I’ve had so many people talk to me lately about how their marriages or long-term relationships are being smashed to pieces because one of the partners is engaging in romantic/sexual play with people online.

It may be serious flirting over chat or the phone.sexy girl texting It may be sexting with or without photos. It may be Skyping in an inappropriate way with someone else. It could be participating in live-action “tell me what to do, baby” video porn.

Without speaking my mind on the subject (which I’ll do soon enough) I want to know what you think.

Here’s the premise:

Do you think it is a betrayal if your significant other is finding sexual satisfaction from another person via the phone or internet?

Poll for the ladies: If your man was being sexual with another woman online, would you consider it a betrayal?

 

Poll for the gentlemen: If your woman was being sexual with another man online, would you consider it a betrayal?

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. You guys kick ass!

As soon as your thoughtful responses are collected, I’ll let you see why they were so important.

Hugs!

Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday: Part twat

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Oh! I mean part trois! As in 3, since this is my 3rd birthday post. ;)

How on God’s green earth can it be my birthday again?

Jodi Blowing Out Candles

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I turned 24? Lie to me. Tell me it was yesterday! :)

Kidding. I actually don’t mind growing older so much.

Yeah, my back hurts more often, but the upshot is that my boobs are longer. OH! I mean bigger. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Bigger and juicier and more bodacious! Uh huh, let’s stick with that.. ;)Long Boobs!

And sometimes I think I want a job that is stress-free. You know, like getting paid to pet kitty cats…or something just as delicious and peaceful.

Kitties

But beyond all of that, growing older has its perks.

Perk 1: Being surrounded only by people that I truly love (cause fuck all those drama-causing mo fos!).

Perk 2: Being happy with who I am.

Perk 3: Having adventures like getting SCUBA certified (and actually being able to afford it finally!).

Perk a: Realizing that having a car that you don’t fret about parking (because you know every dumb asshat on earth is going to ding it with their door) is the best thing ever. Don’t get me wrong, I want a Dodge Challenger so bad that I could explode, but I’m content with my Flintstone claptrap car.

ChargerFlintstone car

Perk d: Realizing that having just a few close friends is so much more valuable than trying to spread myself thin and then not giving enough to anyone.

Perk 5d: Understanding that people who are shitbags live shitty lives and lay in the bed of their making nightly. One fuckhat I can think of in particular is about a decade older than me so I take comfort in the fact that he’ll probably die before I do (or at least go bald before me). ;) This is how I picture him when he’s in Nasty Fucker mode and it helps me from grabbing the closest hatchet and laying him to waste:

Old man

Perk 9: Learning that while I’m a grammar nazi, sometimes I gotta just stp teh fuk bck and spall shit rong nd bee okey wif it. (Yes, that includes having a crazy numbering system for these very perks and just running with it. I kept reordering them and the renumbering just got stupid annoying…so it is what it is.)   :)

All in all, it’s been a great year.

I have a wonderful hubby, a loving family, friends I adore, kitties that love me, a crazy hamster that entertains me to no end, adorable chicken butt chickens that give me eggs, a house that’s getting close to being done with remodeling, a job I mostly enjoy and only 4 gray hairs–including the one I just plucked out of my eyebrow.

I’m thankful every day for the wonderful life I have. And a big thanks to all of you who put up with my dirty potty mouth and smart ass ways. Bless you for coming back for more punishment.

Happy birthday to all the Geminis out there! Keep torturing those you love with your multiple personalities (as I do daily!).

HappyBirthday

XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOOXOXOX

Because I’m a total freakin’ whacko!

Wow. I’m proud of myself. My mind came up with “freakin” before “fuckin.”

I must be tired! ;)

So, I’m in the middle of writing my yearly birthday post, which takes more than a minute, and thought in the meantime I’d share with you the totally ridiculous stuff that goes on around my house while my hubby is out of town.

These are the kinds of things I send him while he’s gone to let him know he’s loved and missed.

Yep. I’m 5 beers short of a six-pack! ;)

Counterfeit DaisyShe drank all the liquor! Little shit!

Gotta love a Counterfeit Daisy!

PS: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammit! Just noticed a typo in the pic.  Fuck a duck. ;)

 

Happy Mommy’s Day!

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happy_mothers_day_letters

sparkle tweety

I wish all the Mommies out there the most wonderful of days.

The strength it takes to be a Mommy is something that leaves me speechless.

The love.

The dedication.

The kindness.

The patience. 

The resolve to be tough when you need to, even though it isn’t easy.

The ability to be fun, even though you are tired beyond measure.

The restraint to not kill your offspring, even though they deserve it.

For being a parent, and not a best friend, because kids have plenty of friends but only one mommy.

For all of those things and more, Thank You!

 

PS: Yes, I noticed that the Happy Mother’s Day text doesn’t have an apostrophe. Yes, it’s making me insane. And a final yes, I added an apostrophe to it in PowerPoint when creating a card for Mom. ;)

PSS: Glitter Tweety makes me happy just to look at. :)

 

Mouthy Broad Alert!

Howdy!

Thank GOD it’s Fuckin’ Friday!!! I swear, my poor little noggin has processed more information this week than it knows what to do with. My brain sponge is full and leaking everywhere. I think I’ve lost memories all the way up to 6th grade.

Yes, that means I’ve forgotten the days when this was my outfit of choice:

Nothing But Trouble

 

So, since I’m now worthless and plan on doing nothing but staring at the TV while drooling (and possibly treating myself to chocolate chip pancakes) for the rest of the day, I thought I’d share that you can check out (read, LIVE BY, obey) my new article at Acquiring Man Magazine. (In case it’s not clear, click either “new article” or HERE to go read it. Yeah, I’m a smart ass…no two ways about it!)  ;)

Love you guys! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend full of chocolate, nookie, furry animals and more chocolate.

Wait…that’s what my weekend is going to look like.

May yours look equally awesome!

AND HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

Mom’s kick ass!!

XOXOXOXOXO

Sassy, Slutty and Sentimental

…yep, that about sums it up!

Recently, I did a radio show that asked me to send in a few songs that I thought summed up my thoughts about life. I thought that was a cool idea as it can really help a person define themselves–to themselves.

It was actually quite hard to do because, well, I’m a lunatic as we all know. One day I’m mauling all of my teddy bears and playing house with them, and the next I’ve got on some slutty nurse outfit. I guess that’s the Gemini in me. To say I’ve got multiple personalities is the understatement of the year. ;)

Anyway, I thought I’d share my songs with you. I bought them so hopefully I’m not violating some freaking obscure copyright law by posting them here.

I hope you enjoy them!

Songs for:

When I feel trampy:

 

When I feel like life is just about as awesome as it can get:

 

When I feel like shaking my ass (when no one is home and all the blinds are drawn–eee gawds!):

 

When I feel like kicking EVERYONE’s ass from here to hell and back…then hitting them about the head and shoulders with a hammer…then disemboweling them…then setting them on fire and humping on their ashes:

 

When I wanna sing and dance in my car to the horror of others:

 

Okay, I could go on and on and on, alas, I’m cutting myself off here! :)

Now, I’m gonna say something that sounds all shrinky and shit, but it’s not a bad idea…if life isn’t exactly how you want it to be, find your own songs. Sometimes, hearing how you feel articulated by others can help clarify things for you. I know…that seems kinda silly, but it can work. If your “theme song” is “I wish someone would fuckin’ kill me”…well…that can give you clarity. ;)

I’m off to make spaghetti sauce. YUM!!!!! Yeah, cooking usually sucks, but this is one dish I can make like a mo fo. Plus, the hubby is cutting up all the onions, garlic and green pepper–so really, all I have to do is dump everything into a pot. Ahhh…the good life.

XOXO

 

 

FREE Books! Just for you! (And everyone else.) :)

Okay, I promised that I’d do another book giveaway and the time is nigh! ;)

You can download to your Kindle, or any other freaking device on earth onto which you can download the Kindle reader, any or ALL of my 3 books (download the reader by clicking HERE).

Just go to my Amazon age (yep, click HERE to get there) and let the downloading frenzy begin!

Last time I did my Kindle giveaway all of the books went to #1 (HOLY SHIT CAKES!) on the Kindle Free Top 100 list (my mom was very proud!). Totally freaking cool! I was quite delighted, to say the least. I have to admit, I wouldn’t complain if that happened again.

If you like any of them, I’d be forever grateful if you’d leave a great review. I’d offer you my first born, but as I’m a childless old bat that would be an empty promise. Will eternal gratitude suffice?

Here are the 5-day freebies, in case you have no clue as to what I spout on and on about. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

Anyway, I hope you guys love them–that they make you laugh and help you to have the most joyful lives and happiest taste buds.

Oh, maybe telling you when this is going to happen would be a fine and dandy idea… Duh… Drool…

Friday, May 2nd – Tuesday, May 6th.

I picked those days as my dad’s birthday falls during them so it’s kinda a shout out to pops for his birthday. Good grief, I’m a sentimental old fuck. ;)

Love you guys! Enjoy! XOXOXOXO

PS: Tell all your friends to get their free copies too. Who couldn’t use good food and happiness and maybe even some naughty nookie?

Horrified in the Fry’s Parking Lot!

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Be prepared for 2 things:

  1. My shortest blog post ever!
  2. To be grossed out beyond belief.

While driving out of the grocery store parking lot I stopped to let a woman cross the street and go into the store. Innocuous so far, right?

Well…Oh, the horror of it all!

She was pushing the cart with her belly while picking her nose with one hand and BRUSHING HER TEETH WITH THE OTHER!

What.

The.

Fuck.

I could die tonight and have seen it all. ALL!

Total insanity.

Granted, I’m a visual atrocity fairly often. I go to Starbucks in my pajamas and with no makeup. But someone kill me if I ever walk around with one finger in my nose and the other working a toothbrush.

I don’t even know how she did it. Isn’t it like rubbing your belly and patting your head. Good grief! ;)

Oh yeah…it’s radio time again!

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I just spent the most wonderful hour with Pamela Cummins on her fab radio show: The Love Channel!!

We dished about boys, sex, love, relationships, sex (oh, said that already!).

Go give it a listen if you wanna have a bit ‘o fun. She’s so lovely and the hour just flew by.

Thank you, Pamela, for having me on your show! Yet again, I had a blast. XOXOXOX

Click here to check it out.

If ya wanna know more about Miss Pamela, here are her details:

She’s great! You’re gonna love her. :)

The Love Channel Show

Knight on a Steed…

Or Jester on a Jackass? Find out! ;)

Yeppers, my new article came out just a few minutes ago at Acquiring Man mag. Just wanted to let ya know in case you, well, want more nookie! I know. I’m a perv.

XO

February Acquiring Man Article Graphic