Auto correct at its perviest

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From the “Life is never dull” perspective, here’s a text I sent to the hubby a few minutes ago. :)

“I have the sliding glass door open, big titties are glued to the screen and want to go outside, the house is freezing, and the only thing that is missing is my sweet baby to keep me warm. I just noticed that auto correct somehow auto corrected the word “kitties” to “big titties.” HA!!! What in the fuck is auto correct thinking? Total riot! Love you!”

How in the hell did auto correct do that??? Where did “big” come from? Is the expression “big titties” typed so often on Verizon phones that they don’t auto correct the word “kitties” to just “titties?” They have to chuck “big” in there too? Totally funny.

autocorrect

Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday: Part twat

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Oh! I mean part trois! As in 3, since this is my 3rd birthday post. ;)

How on God’s green earth can it be my birthday again?

Jodi Blowing Out Candles

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I turned 24? Lie to me. Tell me it was yesterday! :)

Kidding. I actually don’t mind growing older so much.

Yeah, my back hurts more often, but the upshot is that my boobs are longer. OH! I mean bigger. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Bigger and juicier and more bodacious! Uh huh, let’s stick with that.. ;)Long Boobs!

And sometimes I think I want a job that is stress-free. You know, like getting paid to pet kitty cats…or something just as delicious and peaceful.

Kitties

But beyond all of that, growing older has its perks.

Perk 1: Being surrounded only by people that I truly love (cause fuck all those drama-causing mo fos!).

Perk 2: Being happy with who I am.

Perk 3: Having adventures like getting SCUBA certified (and actually being able to afford it finally!).

Perk a: Realizing that having a car that you don’t fret about parking (because you know every dumb asshat on earth is going to ding it with their door) is the best thing ever. Don’t get me wrong, I want a Dodge Challenger so bad that I could explode, but I’m content with my Flintstone claptrap car.

ChargerFlintstone car

Perk d: Realizing that having just a few close friends is so much more valuable than trying to spread myself thin and then not giving enough to anyone.

Perk 5d: Understanding that people who are shitbags live shitty lives and lay in the bed of their making nightly. One fuckhat I can think of in particular is about a decade older than me so I take comfort in the fact that he’ll probably die before I do (or at least go bald before me). ;) This is how I picture him when he’s in Nasty Fucker mode and it helps me from grabbing the closest hatchet and laying him to waste:

Old man

Perk 9: Learning that while I’m a grammar nazi, sometimes I gotta just stp teh fuk bck and spall shit rong nd bee okey wif it. (Yes, that includes having a crazy numbering system for these very perks and just running with it. I kept reordering them and the renumbering just got stupid annoying…so it is what it is.)   :)

All in all, it’s been a great year.

I have a wonderful hubby, a loving family, friends I adore, kitties that love me, a crazy hamster that entertains me to no end, adorable chicken butt chickens that give me eggs, a house that’s getting close to being done with remodeling, a job I mostly enjoy and only 4 gray hairs–including the one I just plucked out of my eyebrow.

I’m thankful every day for the wonderful life I have. And a big thanks to all of you who put up with my dirty potty mouth and smart ass ways. Bless you for coming back for more punishment.

Happy birthday to all the Geminis out there! Keep torturing those you love with your multiple personalities (as I do daily!).

HappyBirthday

XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOOXOXOX

Happy Mommy’s Day!

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happy_mothers_day_letters

sparkle tweety

I wish all the Mommies out there the most wonderful of days.

The strength it takes to be a Mommy is something that leaves me speechless.

The love.

The dedication.

The kindness.

The patience. 

The resolve to be tough when you need to, even though it isn’t easy.

The ability to be fun, even though you are tired beyond measure.

The restraint to not kill your offspring, even though they deserve it.

For being a parent, and not a best friend, because kids have plenty of friends but only one mommy.

For all of those things and more, Thank You!

 

PS: Yes, I noticed that the Happy Mother’s Day text doesn’t have an apostrophe. Yes, it’s making me insane. And a final yes, I added an apostrophe to it in PowerPoint when creating a card for Mom. ;)

PSS: Glitter Tweety makes me happy just to look at. :)

 

Redundant Redundancy is Repetitively Vexing

Okay, if you yourself use this expression then may I say two things:

  1. I’m terribly sorry if I offend you. You know that I while I live to horrify, I don’t live to make anyone feel bad.  I love me my peeps!
  2. STOP FUCKING SAYING IT! (Okay, that was harsh…but please stop. Please?)  :)

The expression “multiple different” makes me wanna shave my head, grab my gun and go a wee bit postal.

This is how I feel every time I hear it used:

Otter

Let’s see what dictionary.com has to say about these two words.

Multiple: consisting of, having, or involving several or many individuals, parts, elements, relations.

Different: various; several (Yeah, it’s the 3rd definition, but you get my point!) :)

So, if I’m understanding these words correctly, from both a denotative and connotative perspective, “different” implies things that are not alike. Things. Plural. As in multiple–more than one. You can’t be different from something if there isn’t something to be compared to–to be different from (yep, preposition at the end of my sentence. Suck it!). Therefore, something that is different from something else indicates a plural.

Along comes “multiple”. Ummmm…multiple doesn’t just imply more than one. That’s actually what it means.

Now, I’m fully aware you can have multiples of the same thing. For example, I have 3 Daisy Cow teddy bears. There’s Daisy Pockets, Doppel Daisy and Counterfeit Daisy. They are all multiples of the same thing. But I would say, “I have multiple Daisies.” I also have a bunch of what we call Doppel teddies that are all the same kind of teddy, but are different colors. (Think doppelganger.) So those are all different Doppels.  As in, “I have many different Doppel teddies.”

But let’s pull this apart as it may be used in a business sense.

Let’s say you have a product. Let’s go with an mp3. You may have multiple copies of the same mp3. You may have multiple versions of the same mp3 (think remixes, most of which usually suck). Is there really a need to throw the word different into any of that? Was I not clear? Isn’t saying “multiple versions” communicating the exact same thing as saying “multiple different versions” only in a much more intelligent way? Doesn’t the idea of “versions” imply variants?

So, someone please tell me how “multiple different” makes any sense?

I hear it all the time and it makes me bonkers!

Can we agree to ban that expression from Planet Earth? I’ll give you a dollar. :)

PS: Just so you know, I’m fully aware I say annoying things and have annoying habits of writing. I make up words and use prepositions improperly. I’m not too hideous a hypocrite. I’m just sayin’…multiple different is a pet peeve! ;)

Have a great weekend in a multiple different variety of ways! XO

Oh, and one of these days I’ll visually introduce you to the Daisies. They are truly awesome in their awesomeness! :)

ADULT EYES ONLY! Don’t read this. Blind yourself. Smash your computer. Search term antics gone awry!

I thought it was about time for another “search term” blog. I swear, I laugh out loud when I read the list of search terms people use and then somehow end up on my blog. I mean, not only do I find it odd that some of these terms bring people here, but I find it even more peculiar that people search for some of these terms. I know it takes all types, but good grief, some of this shit is messed up.

In order to make this post interactive, I’ve tried to figure out which of my posts the searchers were linked to based on their search terms. So, in most cases the bolded text below will also be a link to the corresponding post on my site. Those of you who are new here can read all the horrifyingly inappropriate crap that I’ve written that brings these whacko searchers to my front door.

But before you read below, please know that it is horrible and filled with hideously foul language. It is NOT for the sensitive amongst you. This is a post for people with strong stomachs and rogue senses of humor. If you don’t like 4-letter words, turn back now.

You have now been officially warned and I don’t want no guff about my language! Got it? Got it. ;)

I hate cleaning: Well, if there has ever been a truer search term that would bring someone to my blog, I don’t know what it could be. ;)

I hate the word trending: Fuck you, trending.

Not in my wheelhouse: Fuck you too, wheelhouse!

What’s in my wheelhouse?: Stupid damn wheelhouse. SHUT UP about your wheelhouse. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR WHEELHOUSE!

Adult eyes only: Well, they came to the right place for that!

Bad grammer sucks it: Yep. Bad “grammEr” does suck it. ;)

Correct grammar for this wonderful life dear lord, im forever thankful: Ummm… the amount of errors in the “correct grammar dear lord” search is horrifying. Pot calling kettle?

Tiffany Granath: Love me some Tiffany Granath and Playboy SiriusXM.

How to do sex:  I gotta say, if you can’t even ask about it properly, how do you expect to do it properly?? I guess that’s why they are asking! ;) Man, I’m a bitch.

If you muff a woman that’s on the pill: What exactly is muffing a woman? Since when is “muff” a verb?

Jodi Ambrose sex sex Jodi: Sorry to let you down, but there will be no Jodi sex videos. Nope. Nada. Nil.

Author Jodi Ambrose: That’s me, baby!

Jodi wise: Hell yeah, I am. Every 5th Tuesday in February during a Leap Year.

Spanked battleaxe: You tryin’ to say something? Battleaxe?? If I find you…

Jodi arias sex pics: God why did she have to have my first name even spelled the same way? Ugh.

i+want+to+sex+you: No. You may not. I will not be sexed by you.

Kicking ass and taking names: Yep. That’s my job description.

Toilet monster: YOU’RE a toilet monster! So there!

Good blog sassy: Why thank you! I love that this search term brought them here. I guess I have to send a check to Google for being so nice.

Jodi sucks it: Okay, since I’m not technically a hooker I can only assume they are talking about a different Jodi. Unless my past has come back to haunt me.  ;)

Jodi Beth Ambrose: How do you know my middle name? Are you a stalker? Should I be worried?

Massengill medicated powder: Can we quit it with the Massengill please? Why is it always about rotten crotch?

I’m positive you’re a douche: No, I’m positive YOU are a douche.

I licked my mom’s douche: God…that freaking story is going to follow me around for the rest of my damn life, ain’t it?

I want more sex: Who doesn’t? Here’s a tissue. Get in line.

Women sexy feet finger toes death: So…uhhhh…yeah…I try to avoid necrophiliacs. Please go away.

Hello Kitty having sex: Fucked up. Period.

What do strippers smell like: I know! I know! Read here to find out.

How to smell like a stripper: Does one usually WANT to smell like a stripper? Though I imagine many of them smell quite good.

Guess my muff: Guess your own damn muff! (I love the word muff.)

Guess my snatch: Guess your own damn snatch!

Monster muff: Can we please not admit to having a monster muff in public? That’s what confession is for.

Rape butt cry: Can someone get me a cop? Please? I am disturbed.

Sadistic torture pulling out toenails: Ummm…what the fuck? Please stay off my website, blog and planet. I’m frightened.

Stupid TV Bitches: Nice. Didn’t your mama teach you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything? Oh. Wait. My mom taught me that. I guess I just didn’t listen! ;)

Snuffaluffagus: SEE! They searched with all “Fs” because his name should NOT have “Ps” in it. Stupid P ruining my childhood memories.

Unicorn peeing a rainbow, unicorn vomiting rainbows, unicorn pooping rainbows, unicorns sex, unicorns with shotguns, unicorn with rainbows out of ass: Lot’s of unicorn awfulness going on here. Why unicorns, you sickos? Oh, wait, I think I Googled “drunk unicorns” and “puking rainbow unicorns” trying to find my own inappropriate unicorn picture. I am no better.

Lions and tigers and bears: Oh my!

Furry feet chickens: Ain’t nothin’ better than a furry footed chicken!

Impoliteness sneak a chicken: Is it impolite to sneak a chicken? Into where am I sneaking the chicken? A movie theater? Someone’s house? An orgy? More specifics please.

Otter toes: I love me some otter toes!

Otters a sexy: Sick freak.

Owl and no fucks were given that day: Hmmm…the owl gave no fucks that day? Or no owls nor fucks were given that day? Be clear, dammit!

Ninja chicken: Hell yeah, ninja chicken!

Turkey country women porn: Wha? What kind of image or story was this person imagining finding?

Girl peeing toilet, girl in toilet while on phone, sucks off in toilet, girl using bathroom on the phone, pee on girl, big ass girl on loo: Wow. That’s a lot of wanting to see girls on the pot. WHAT IS SO HOT ABOUT WATCHING A GIRL PEE??? I don’t get it. I’m slightly horrified. Gross. Oh, wait, I do recall posting a picture of a girl peeing while talking on the phone. I’m perpetuating this, so I can’t complain.

Happy father’s day dad who’s in heaven: Awww…this is a sweet one. Happy Father’s Day to all the daddies out there!

Peeing on teddy bear: That is wrong. Just wrong. You need to go fuck yourself. Who would pee on a teddy bear? Car teddy would be PISSED! (No pun intended.)

Ducks without beaks: Yet again, that is so very, very wrong. Who wants to see a duck without a beak???

Who started the whole duckface pose thing: FUCKING DUCK FACE HATE IT! Dang, I need a valium.

Boob spider: Okay, yeah. I wrote a blog about a muff spider. I can see how this search term would bring someone here. Good Lord…

Slut searchers: Ya know, I’ve often been a Slut Searcher. It’s like looking for Big Foot, only significantly easier.

Chicks in slutty dresses hen: I know I dressed a bit wild when I was young, but this person seemed to be looking for chicks as in chickens that are dressed sluttily. I didn’t know chickens dressed like that. Mine just run around naked.

Drunk puke slut pics: Okay, so I have one or more of those in my photo album. Who doesn’t?

Slut newsletter: Is that what you think my blog is? Mo fo!? Well…maybe sometimes…

Women’s naked fat boobs and balls for boobs: “Balls for boobs?” Sounds like some kind of perverted charity.

Needle giant boobs: I’m picturing “needle” boobs being 2 feet long and about an inch wide. I guess those could be considered giant.

Snoring man angry woman: Is there any other kind of woman when a man is snoring?

Clapping your hands and snoring: Now THAT is a skill and is one that will get you killed in my house.

Road rag fuckn aye: I’m going to assume they meant, “Road rage, fuckin’ a?”

Angry birds fucking pigs laughing blog: STUPID ANGRY BIRDS I HATE THEM DIE ANGRY BIRDS! ;)

Wedding vows that combine pagan and Christian themes: That’s what my hubby’s and mine did. Shockingly enough, it worked out quite well.

How honest should online dating profiles be?: VERY! DAMMIT! NO LIES! DAMMIT!

Stupidity will be dealt with accordingly: Preach on. Mama does not suffer fools very well.

Two ears one mouth shut the fuck up cartoon: Ha! That’s almost the exact same search phrase I used to find a picture like that!

Well I love fucking erotic cakes but I am considerate of others and clean up when i’m done: This is one of my all-time favorites. God bless someone who cleans up after themselves. But how in the hell did this search term bring them to my blog???

Why does my chicken yell when it poops?: Why do any of us?

And just in case you are curious, yes, this post took 1.2 million years of my life to write, so I hope like hell you enjoyed it! :) :) :)

In times of trouble I fantasize…

…about otters.

Okay, and other things too.

Every once and a while I have to do a post which doesn’t get down to brass tacks. It is not easy for me to do that. It about kills me. But I’m going to give it a go here. I’m going to put my solution to an anonymous problem here instead of ranting about the problem itself.

When I want to kill myself or others with a hammer, cheese grater, potato peeler or other hideous implement of death (for whatever reason) these are the things I think about in an attempt to keep sane:

  1. Otters. Yep, always at the top of my list.
  2. The fact that I have all 10 fingers and type pretty darn fast (though my keyboard has 2 keys which you really have to press hard on: S and Shift. Drives me CRAZY as it gives me unwarranted typos sometimes and you know how I am about my own typos!!

    Mom shoulda known if I was dressing like this at 11, then I was going to be NOTHING BUT TROUBLE once I hit puberty!!

    Mom shoulda known if I was dressing like this at 11, then I was going to be NOTHING BUT TROUBLE once I hit puberty!!

  3. I still have a wonderful mommy who loves me and has never judged me once in life (even when I used to dress like a total hooker in high school–but I was a good girl, I promise).
  4. I have a precious hubby who cherishes me and is kind every single day to me (no disclaimers on this one!).
  5. I have a wonderful sister who will listen to me bitch and whine and cuss like a truck stop whore without complaint (God bless her!)
  6. I have amazing blog buddies that always make me smile (especially when you cuss a lot for no reason–giggle giggle).
  7. I have loyal and loving friends who put up with my occasionally hibernating ass without complaint.
  8. I have billions of teddy bears that I have a tremendous amount of fun playing with (yeah, I bonkers…I know).
  9. I can always pop a sleeping pill and venture off into LaLa Land (I do NOT recommend this and am really about 98% joking…okay, 97%).
  10. I can go wander around Walgreens. I don’t know why I love doing this. It’s not like the stock changes. I just love to wander the aisles of Walgreens. Yep, I’m a doofus.
  11. Overall, I’ve had a dang good life. There has been tons of heartache and pain, but God has blessed me with the ability to bounce back, and for that I’m eternally grateful.
  12. I could have been born with two noses.
  13. And the all-time best thing my mom ever taught me: This too shall pass.

There are about 100 more items I could put on this list, but my laptop is literally sitting on my lap and is 4000 degrees and catching my muff on fire. Since I don’t want firebush, I’m going to have to stop my list at lucky 13.

HUGS!!!

I like big words and I cannot lie! (But NOT if they make no sense, dammit!!!!)

.Big Bootie!

I’m shakin’ my ass all over the place now that the Big Butts song is stuck in my head!! ;)

Alas, I digress. Let’s get down to it!

Good grief. People drive me bonkers.

All of you guys know that I like to rant and fume about grammar, punctuation, word choice, etc… I find it fun (if not horribly hypocritical since I make mistakes all the time!) to throw fits over the ways that people speak and write. I’m a hideous person. I know.  ;)

I  also know that I like to occasionally use words that are longer than 6 letters. Not because they are longer than 6 letters, but because they fit with what I’m trying to say. I’m an old (stress the word old) English major, so I’ve read a bunch and know a fair amount of words.

BUT!!!! What I do NOT do is throw in 25 cent words to try and make myself sound smart because guess what? It doesn’t make anyone sound smart to use big words for the sole purpose of using big words and confusing people. It only makes the person speaking (or writing) look like an insecure asshat when they use words, especially buzz words, to sound all fancy.

This drives me insane: “I’m smarter than you because I said, ‘wheelhouse, out of the box and quorum’ all in one sentence! Don’t you feel dumb that you didn’t understand my sentence at all? You should, because I’m smart and use words in a way that no one gets because I’m brilliant and you are stupid.”

I swear, people who speak like that make me want to pull my hair out for several reasons. 1) Stop being a pompus ass! 2) You aren’t communicating effectively, you retarded moron 3) You are clearly incredibly insecure because you are trying to sound smart by confusing everyone with your idiotic words.

If no one understands you, then maybe you shouldn’t speak? What’cha think about that? I personally like that idea.

If you say this sentence, “I think we should meet on Friday to discuss the project,” like this, “I am in favor of uniting a quorum of individuals to address which artifacts should be discussed in our iterative meeting  based on the developmental progress of our deliverable on the last day of the work week,” I immediately want to kill you. And not just kill you, but KILL YOU kill you. Painfully. With malice. Some kind of medieval or Shakespearean kind of death.

Why oh why does anyone think they sound smart by speaking like that? Why? Help me understand. I don’t get it. It’s so annoying and frustrating and makes me feel sorry for you. I think to myself, “Awwww…that poor fucking idiot must feel so small and stupid that they think speaking like a research paper being graded on a per-word basis makes them sound smart.”

Sorry, I know that my filter removal is at an all-time high (especially the death threats) but I’m constantly surrounded by people who do that and it makes me want to jam pencils into my ears while screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

ScreamingOtter

Communication, effective communication, is all about speaking or writing in a way in which people are able to, wait for it… understand what you are saying. If you aren’t effectively communicating, then why bother speaking?

My heart goes out to people who are so insecure. I want to both shake the shit out of them and pat their little insecure heads and tell them it’ll all be okay.

Alrighty, I’m done. All these words have worn me out. I’m going mono-syllabic for the rest of the day. (Right!!) ;)

In Honor of a No Profanity Law, I Hereby Declare Myself a Soon-to-be-Jailbird Mo Fo

So, I’m watching a show called Beyond Scared Straight (I know…I know…feel free to judge) and the youth offenders in this episode are particularly foul mouthed. Towards the end of the show one of the prison guards informs the mouthy young ladies that public cussing in that state is punishable by a fine of $1,092.50 or 30 days in jail.  WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL???? I’d be spending the rest of my life in lock up if that was the case here in AZ.  After hearing this crazy statement, I had to look it up and alas, it’s true! I’m removing the name of the state from the bill amendment because I’m quite fond of this state and its inhabitants and don’t want anyone to think I’m saying anything bad about it. After all, all states have crazy laws, but usually they are left over from the 1950s and no one has taken the time to remove them. This one about public cussing is from the last few years. Shocking!

Before I share the bill with you, you know I always like to point the finger at myself first, or in this case at my own state. So here are some insanely whackadoo laws in AZ and my thoughts on them.

  1. Donkeys can not sleep in bathtubs. (Well, shit. I guess there’s enough room in the bed. Donkey show, anyone?)
  2. It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine. (Ummm…wha? What is considered imitation coke? Baby powder? If so, Johnson & Johnson is fucked.)
  3. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. (This has to be because we live in Satan’s backyard. I have my damn A/C on right now it’s so warm. But seriously??? Illegal? What if I want the person to die from dehydration?)
  4. No more than six girls may live in any house. (Sorry guys. There go all of your college girl pillow fight fantasies.)
  5. You may not have more than two dildos in a house. (Well, if there are 5 girls living in a house, since 6 is illegal, I’d say this limit of 2 fake-man-junk-devices is being violated every moment of every day by every household across the state.)
  6. Women may not wear pants. (Okay guys, you may not be able to have 6 chicks in nighties wrestling around on a bed in AZ lest they face prison time, but you can rest assured that the 5 that do live together and wrestle playfully will be naked from the waist down!)

Yep, I’m pretty sure I’ve now heard it all. Well, except for the fairly new cussing law.

Here’s the bill:

“TO AMEND THE CODE OF LAWS OF SOME UNNAMED STATE 1976, BY ADDING SECTION 16-15-370 SO AS TO MAKE IT UNLAWFUL TO COMMUNICATE PROFANITY IN A PUBLIC FORUM OR PLACE OF PUBLIC ACCOMMODATION.

Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the State of Unnamed State:

SECTION    1.    Article 3, Chapter 15, Title 16 of the 1976 Code is amended by adding:

“Section 16-15-370.    (A)    It is unlawful for a person in a public forum or place of public accommodation wilfully (yes, they spelled willfully wrong in a legal bill!!) and knowingly to publish orally or in writing, exhibit, or otherwise make available material containing words, language, or actions of a profane, vulgar, lewd, lascivious, or indecent nature.

(B)    A person who violates the provisions of this section is guilty of a felony and, upon conviction, must be fined not more than five thousand dollars or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.”

Holy cow! I’m just stunned. Can anyone say First Amendment? Now, granted, I don’t think it’s appropriate to go into a nursery school and make it your goal to teach all the 3 year olds how to say, “You fucking cow.” But, c’mon…really?

So, this law that I just learned about prompted me to write a post that I’d been contemplating for the last few days (which I’ll include here). I wasn’t sure whether or not to write it because it just seemed like such a gratuitous use of bad language (not written by me, but stolen from a TV show) and you guys are always so tolerant that I didn’t want to seem like I’d gone off the deep end. But now I feel it is my duty to share with you the wonderfully horrible and foul scene from a TV show the hubby and I just recently watched.

The show is an HBO show called The Wire. It’s a cop drama set it Baltimore (where I went to college) and so far I’m enjoying it. One of the things about it being an HBO show is that there is no language filter like you’d find on Network TV. I commented to Grant how I’m quite sure they use the “f” word even more often than I and he giggled and said that wasn’t possible. ;)

Then along comes episode 4 and for one of the first times in recorded history my jaw dropped to the floor from the sheer, unadulterated, intentional use of cussing written to clearly make a statement about censorship. Apparently, when the show first began airing it received some flack for the copious amount of “fucks” thrown into the dialog and the producers in return decided to stick it to the language dissenters. When we saw this almost 5 minute scene in the show we both about died laughing as it is so clearly the producers flipping the bird to anyone who doesn’t approve. Prepare yourselves. It truly is shocking.

Let me set the stage. Two cops go to a crime scene that had been poorly processed by the first team of cops. They are now checking it out for themselves and are more than shocked by what they find. Before you click “Play” know that this is not a scene for those with delicate ears or for those easily offended (of course, you wouldn’t be reading my blog if either of those things were true!). :) Also, there are a few crime scene photos which quickly show boobs. I’m not one to post things with nudity, but the pics are as far from sexual as they can possibly be. Consider yourself warned as this clip is not for the faint at heart–though the hubby and I laughed our asses off after about one minute when we realized that the entire scene contained only 2 words but lasts almost 5 minutes. Enjoy the insanity! :) :) :)

Holy Cow Batman! It’s podcast time for the old blog!

I am soooooooooo excited to share this podcast from the wonderful and amazing Kris Keppeler. She took my “These are not words!” blog and read it into her podcast. She did a beautiful job! It’s so cool hearing my words come to life with the expert stylings of Kris. What a voice she has–she should be on NPR. Simply delightful!

Here’s the link to her podcast:

http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/2013/02/17/these-are-not-words/

You should definitely check it out. It’s great for a giggle and her podcast is awesome.

Thank you, Kris. You are wonderful, awesome, kick ass and a bunch of other delicious adjectives. :) XOXO

Here she is with her awesome pups:

Kris Keppeler

THESE ARE NOT WORDS, &*%*&#^!!!!!!

   .

First and foremost let me say that I make up words all the time and/or use words incorrectly (usually on purpose though). If the King’s English doesn’t give me the word I want then I’ll create my own.

For example: Flarmp. That’s not a word, but I bet it gets used in my house at least 10 times a week. To the hubby and me, the word Flarmp means the act of a kitty just dropping and rolling in a very deliberate way and usually next to our legs in order to smush against us to get love. There is also the Force Flarmp where WE Flarmp the kitty so that we can give it love. I don’t even know how we came up with the word–it just seemed to fit the act of kitty love dropping.

Also, I make up words in my blog sometimes. Yesterday, I used the word “smartassedness” in a comment. I even mentioned how it wasn’t a word, but it just fit perfectly in the sentence so I used it anyway.

But, there are certain words roaming around out there in the public that are either not words or are words being used incorrectly that make me wanna pull my hair out when I hear them.

Now, please believe me that I’m not trying to be a douche bag here. If any of you use these words, please know that I’m not trying to be a meanie. I’m just putting out there that maybe using words correctly and/or correctly pronouncing words may be beneficial. Especially if you are in a job interview or some other important situation–you want people to know how wonderful and smart you are without getting hung up on the little things that didn’t come out quite right (as people tend to do).

In order to let you know that I am sincerely not trying to be mean, let me share with you a few of my colossal word fuck ups. And just so you know, I’m well aware that I probably have a ton of grammatical errors, punctuation mishaps and stupid word choice issues in this very post, so know that I cast the first stone at myself! Lord knows I screw up all the time! :)

  1. Exorbitant: I always said it as “exorbiNant” and thank God someone finally corrected me.
  2. Veranda: Which is a font but not a font anyone knows because it’s actually “VerDaNa.” I’ve been weirdly dyslexic for oh about 20 years with the name of that damn font and NO ONE ever corrected me! I’ve just sounded like an idiot for 20 years. Ugh. I’m incredibly thankful a coworker corrected me the other day. I felt like such a doofus, but at least I’ll say the word correctly from now on.
  3. Purview: For some reason I got it stuck in my head that “purview” and “view” could be used interchangeably. Had you asked me if they meant the same thing I’d have said no and told you why. But for some reason the “come up with words quickly” part of my brain told my mouth to say “purview” before I had time to stop the “pur”. No clue why. I think I may have beaten that outta my head at this point–hopefully. (See, I’m pretty sure I used the word “hopefully” incorrectly.)
  4. Sammich: I know it’s sandwich, but my grandma used to say “sammich” when she was being playful and so when I say/write it that way it reminds me of her.
  5. Good vs. well: I intentionally use these incorrectly sometimes if I’m trying to put across a certain emotion. For example, if someone asks me how my day is going and it has been the day from hell, I’ll sometimes say in specific tone of voice, “Good, good…how’s yours?” If I said, “Well, well…how’s yours?” it would just sound weird.

Okay, now here’s the list of words/non-words that drives me insane:

  1. Boughten: No one has ever “boughten” anything. Ever. Period. You either buy something or you have bought something. You have never boughten anything in your life.
  2. Anyways: There is NO “s” on the end of that word. I used to say it with an “s” also and my mom harped on me EVERY DAMN TIME it came out of my mouth incorrectly. I am soooo (another incorrectly used word of mine as “so” only has one “o”) thankful she did. I want to do the same thing every time I hear someone else do it, but I don’t as I’m sure that is a justifiable cause for murdering me.
  3. ConversAted. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You conversed with someone. You had a conversation with them. You are conversing with them. You have never conversAted anyone, anywhere.
  4. Medium: Wait, that is a word. But it is NOT a substitute for the word “median” and when I hear traffic people say that there is a car up on the medium so traffic on Scottsdale Road is slow I immediately want to find their helicopter and blow it up. It’s bad enough if we normal people use it incorrectly, but your JOB as a traffic person is to know words that relate to traffic and roads. Median is a pretty important part of road construction, so please use that word from now so that you don’t sound like a complete moron.
  5. HeightH: I understand that it’s “widtH”, breadtH” and “lenghtH” but it is not “heightH”. There is no H on the end of “height”, only a T. So quit it with the TH sound. Please?
  6. Supposebly: It’s “supposedly.” Just say it correctly from now on, please.
  7. Expresso: Is there an X in espresso? No. I didn’t think so.
  8. Probly: IT’S “PROBABLY” DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!!
  9. Axed, warshed, wrassaled, greazy and pissa: I totally understand that these word pronunciations are dialect-driven. My mom is southern and says things like “Geminee” for “Gemini” and though the “ee” pronunciation is the 2nd way to say it as listed in the dictionary, it still makes me go insane especially since I am a Gemini. My step-father of a few years came from somewhere where pizza was pronounced “pissa” and greasy was pronounced “greazy” and I’d want to scream every time I heard him say either word. So, in these cases I totally get that it’s dialect-driven and probably what someone grew up hearing so it seems completely normal to them…but can we please break the cycle of word-abuse? Please?
  10. Cra-cra: Okay, the word “crazy” has 2 syllables. So does the un-word “cra-cra.” So, can we please just go back to crazy? I’ll give you a dollar. ;)

Last year I did a post on words like: ginormous, trending, wheelhouse and other annoying as fuck words, so I won’t repeat them here, but please stop using those too. They are simply horrible.

I think from now on I’m going to make this face when I hear any of the above words being used. In an effort to NEVER see this disturbing face again, maybe people will stop using them? Maybe? Please God…

Jodi Crazyface

And, just so you know, I’m aware that a language needs to change or it will die–just like a shark needs to keep swimming or it will become fish food. We need to keep adding to our language or it will go the way of Latin. But can we at least use common sense and a wee bit of caution before we bastardize it to the point of being unrecognizable? I just cannot hear this anymore, “Me and him were conversating about trying a expresso and new that it would probly taste badly, but we boughten it anyways.” Pardon me for a moment, I’m going to go hang myself.

 

PS: for those of you in the United States–GO RAVENS!!! (I’m actually a Redskins chick, but if it can’t be them then I hope B’more kicks some ass! :)