Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday: Part twat

.

Oh! I mean part trois! As in 3, since this is my 3rd birthday post. ;)

How on God’s green earth can it be my birthday again?

Jodi Blowing Out Candles

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I turned 24? Lie to me. Tell me it was yesterday! :)

Kidding. I actually don’t mind growing older so much.

Yeah, my back hurts more often, but the upshot is that my boobs are longer. OH! I mean bigger. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Bigger and juicier and more bodacious! Uh huh, let’s stick with that.. ;)Long Boobs!

And sometimes I think I want a job that is stress-free. You know, like getting paid to pet kitty cats…or something just as delicious and peaceful.

Kitties

But beyond all of that, growing older has its perks.

Perk 1: Being surrounded only by people that I truly love (cause fuck all those drama-causing mo fos!).

Perk 2: Being happy with who I am.

Perk 3: Having adventures like getting SCUBA certified (and actually being able to afford it finally!).

Perk a: Realizing that having a car that you don’t fret about parking (because you know every dumb asshat on earth is going to ding it with their door) is the best thing ever. Don’t get me wrong, I want a Dodge Challenger so bad that I could explode, but I’m content with my Flintstone claptrap car.

ChargerFlintstone car

Perk d: Realizing that having just a few close friends is so much more valuable than trying to spread myself thin and then not giving enough to anyone.

Perk 5d: Understanding that people who are shitbags live shitty lives and lay in the bed of their making nightly. One fuckhat I can think of in particular is about a decade older than me so I take comfort in the fact that he’ll probably die before I do (or at least go bald before me). ;) This is how I picture him when he’s in Nasty Fucker mode and it helps me from grabbing the closest hatchet and laying him to waste:

Old man

Perk 9: Learning that while I’m a grammar nazi, sometimes I gotta just stp teh fuk bck and spall shit rong nd bee okey wif it. (Yes, that includes having a crazy numbering system for these very perks and just running with it. I kept reordering them and the renumbering just got stupid annoying…so it is what it is.)   :)

All in all, it’s been a great year.

I have a wonderful hubby, a loving family, friends I adore, kitties that love me, a crazy hamster that entertains me to no end, adorable chicken butt chickens that give me eggs, a house that’s getting close to being done with remodeling, a job I mostly enjoy and only 4 gray hairs–including the one I just plucked out of my eyebrow.

I’m thankful every day for the wonderful life I have. And a big thanks to all of you who put up with my dirty potty mouth and smart ass ways. Bless you for coming back for more punishment.

Happy birthday to all the Geminis out there! Keep torturing those you love with your multiple personalities (as I do daily!).

HappyBirthday

XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOOXOXOX

What the Shit is This?

.

Dear Cracker Jack people,

You can suck it!

What kind of rip off, jacked up “prize” is this?

Cracker Jack 1Cracker Jack 2

I’ll tell ya, it’s a shit prize. No. It’s not a prize. It’s a turd in a box of cheap popcorn with nuts so hard if you bite on them you’ll break your teeth.

Are you seriously telling me that your gift to me is an explanation I can get on Wikipedia? WHERE’S MY DIAMOND RING OR ACTION FIGURE OR TATTOO!?

I want my money back. I want my childhood dreams of finding a diamond ring in the box back. I want the Cracker Jacks makers to be shamed for their cheapness.

Cracker Jacks Ring

Back in the day there were few things more exciting then when Mom would surprise you with a box of Cracker Jacks and you couldn’t wait to get to the bottom for that awesome prize that you’d cherish until your sister stole it or you lost it or Mom sucked it up in the vacuum.

Now? I wouldn’t wipe my hamster’s butt with your “prize.”

Shame! Cracker Jack makers. Shame! Have some pride in your product please.

Yours truly,

Jodi

(Now a full and complete Poppycock lover! (Heh heh…she said cock.))  :)

Oh yeah…it’s NOOKIE-TIME!

Yep…it’s that time again. My latest yarn on all things nookie related is out, about and ready to be read by all you perverts out there. ;) Kidding! Well, it is ready to read, but you don’t have to be a pervert (though I KNOW most of you are!) Feel free to pop on over the The Acquiring Man magazine for my monthly column.

Acquiring Man Oct Article

Beyond me trying to help you get some knickers on the floor, let’s see what else is going on around here while I’m plagued with insomnia.

Things I was thinking about last night while laying in bed begging God (and sleeping pills) to help me sleep:

  1. If I don’t stop thinking about work I’m going to hang myself. (Yeah…kept thinking about work for a while…and then these thoughts came and distracted me.)
  2. Why can’t I have two otters in the pool in the backyard? That would make my life complete.
  3. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why God made oil, butter, cream, cheese and Italian deli meats so fattening? Why can’t it all be healthy like broccoli? Was it just to test us? Ugh!
  4. I wonder if my teddy bears talk and run around while I’m gone? I sometimes come home and they’ve moved–how can that happen? Are the kitties playing with them?
  5. I wonder just how much information my hamster’s brain actually processes. Ahhh…to be a hamster for one minute.
  6. What am I going to wear to my class reunion in a couple of weeks? I hate my clothes!
  7. Crap…gotta get my hair dyed as NOW I HAVE FUCKING GRAY HAIRS! (Okay, gray hair–singular, but still.)
  8. Maybe I’ll head to Macy’s and see if I can find something pretty to wear. Man, I hate shopping.
  9. I wish Clark Color would put their wall art on sale again. I’m NOT paying full price. Nope, not gonna happen.
  10. I hope my sister likes all her insane birthday presents.
  11. Why have so many people stopped pronouncing consonants in words? It’s not “di’in’t” it’s fucking “diDn’t.” Kill me.
  12. UFFF! Cat jumped dead center onto my left boob. OUCH!
  13. I wonder if the cat does that shit on purpose? I may have to kill her.
  14. Dammit, now I’m never going to go to sleep–cat scratch on nip.
  15. I love FrootLoops. I want some right now. (So, I go get a dry bowl of them…)
  16. Shit…the crunching is waking up the man. Gotta let them soak in my mouth til mushy, then chew. Eww…not so good. (Went and sat in the floor in the hall to finish eating them.)

Yep, those are my 3am ramblings. Sorry you had to suffer through them too!!

Have a great weekend. I’ve been on my computer for about 70 hours this week and I have to put it down for at least a few hours or I’m going to become unpleasant. XOXOXO

 

Farewell Evil Computer…Hello Awesome Hamster!

So this nightmarish, pissing me off, wanna take a bat to it computer is off to the shop tomorrow! Woo hoo!

Sorry I’ve been so utterly unavailable, but typing with my left hand only (I’m right handed) while I hold the power cord in with my right hand SUCKS DONKEY BALLS! ;) Once I get my computer back, I too will be back with a vengeance and you’ll all want to run for your lives! ;)

To bid you adieu for a short time, I’m going to leave you with a little video treat of me and my hamster. It’s only about 90 seconds and it builds to the final payoff at the end (unlike porn where the climax comes early–no pun intended!).

Enjoy my furry little friend and I’ll talk to you all when I get my ‘puter back.

HUGS and TONS OF LOVE!

Oh and forgive the ungodly mess and all the squished teddy bears in the floor! This is the room where we are storing everything as we remodel the living room, so it is not pretty. Not pretty at all. :)

Shortest Post Ever: Things I’ve Learned Today

.

  1. I am NOT OLD, dammit, but I barely knew ONE FRIGGIN’ song being sung on American Idol the last two nights. What the hell is going on here? Is there a conspiracy to make me feel out of touch with what the kids are up to these days? Oh God. I said, “the kids.” Okay. I’m old.
  2. American Idol is better when you have 2 things: 1) Frozen chocolate icing on a spoon 2) A fast-forward button.
  3. I am lazier than I thought as I have remote controls on half the lights in my house so I don’t have to move to turn one on or off.
  4. Then again, I’m not particularly lazy as I do bust my butt doing a million things a day. Okay, I’m lazy about lights. I can live with that. Oh, and dishes too. And washing the sheets. And vacuuming. Okay, kinda lazy.
  5. I truly love my doppelganger, crazy as a shit-house rat hamster. She is truly entertaining and nutso cuckoo.
  6. I dislike stepping in cat puke. Did it twice today in bare feet. Ick. I wiped it off with a paper towel and then used anti-bacterial wash from Bath & Body Works. Think that was good enough?

Oh, and I found one of those age progression sites where they’ll take a pic of you and turn you into an old lady. Here’s what my old ass probably looks like to those teeny boppers singing all those songs that I’ve never heard of before.

Jodi as an old broad

Okay, that’s it for What Jodi Learned (or Pondered) Today. :)

I hope you are all having a lovely night.

Picture copyright Denis Cox, illustrationsof.com

R.I.P. sweet little hamster

 

Well, dammit.

Less than 24 hours ago I was counting my blessings, including the fact that my old ass hamster was still amongst the living. Little did I know he only had 8 hours of life left.

I love you Hamster. Mommy and Daddy miss you tremendously. There will never be a fuzzy-butted little hamster anywhere near as wonderful and sweet as you.

Little Hamster’s first day with his new family. SWAK!

Daddy, after a hard day’s work, playing with the little guy. He loved little Hamster too.

Our sweet little baby his first night in his new home.