I thought it was about time for another “search term” blog. I swear, I laugh out loud when I read the list of search terms people use and then somehow end up on my blog. I mean, not only do I find it odd that some of these terms bring people here, but I find it even more peculiar that people search for some of these terms. I know it takes all types, but good grief, some of this shit is messed up.
In order to make this post interactive, I’ve tried to figure out which of my posts the searchers were linked to based on their search terms. So, in most cases the bolded text below will also be a link to the corresponding post on my site. Those of you who are new here can read all the horrifyingly inappropriate crap that I’ve written that brings these whacko searchers to my front door.
But before you read below, please know that it is horrible and filled with hideously foul language. It is NOT for the sensitive amongst you. This is a post for people with strong stomachs and rogue senses of humor. If you don’t like 4-letter words, turn back now.
You have now been officially warned and I don’t want no guff about my language! Got it? Got it.
I hate cleaning: Well, if there has ever been a truer search term that would bring someone to my blog, I don’t know what it could be.
I hate the word trending: Fuck you, trending.
Not in my wheelhouse: Fuck you too, wheelhouse!
What’s in my wheelhouse?: Stupid damn wheelhouse. SHUT UP about your wheelhouse. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR WHEELHOUSE!
Adult eyes only: Well, they came to the right place for that!
Bad grammer sucks it: Yep. Bad “grammEr” does suck it.
Correct grammar for this wonderful life dear lord, im forever thankful: Ummm… the amount of errors in the “correct grammar dear lord” search is horrifying. Pot calling kettle?
Tiffany Granath: Love me some Tiffany Granath and Playboy SiriusXM.
How to do sex: I gotta say, if you can’t even ask about it properly, how do you expect to do it properly?? I guess that’s why they are asking! Man, I’m a bitch.
If you muff a woman that’s on the pill: What exactly is muffing a woman? Since when is “muff” a verb?
Jodi Ambrose sex sex Jodi: Sorry to let you down, but there will be no Jodi sex videos. Nope. Nada. Nil.
Author Jodi Ambrose: That’s me, baby!
Jodi wise: Hell yeah, I am. Every 5th Tuesday in February during a Leap Year.
Spanked battleaxe: You tryin’ to say something? Battleaxe?? If I find you…
Jodi arias sex pics: God why did she have to have my first name even spelled the same way? Ugh.
i+want+to+sex+you: No. You may not. I will not be sexed by you.
Kicking ass and taking names: Yep. That’s my job description.
Toilet monster: YOU’RE a toilet monster! So there!
Good blog sassy: Why thank you! I love that this search term brought them here. I guess I have to send a check to Google for being so nice.
Jodi sucks it: Okay, since I’m not technically a hooker I can only assume they are talking about a different Jodi. Unless my past has come back to haunt me. KIDDING!
Jodi Beth Ambrose: How do you know my middle name? Are you a stalker? Should I be worried?
Massengill medicated powder: Can we quit it with the Massengill please? Why is it always about rotten crotch?
I’m positive you’re a douche: No, I’m positive YOU are a douche.
I licked my mom’s douche: God…that freaking story is going to follow me around for the rest of my damn life, ain’t it?
I want more sex: Who doesn’t? Here’s a tissue. Get in line.
Women sexy feet finger toes death: So…uhhhh…yeah…I try to avoid necrophiliacs. Please go away.
Hello Kitty having sex: Fucked up. Period.
What do strippers smell like: I know! I know! Read here to find out.
How to smell like a stripper: Does one usually WANT to smell like a stripper? Though I imagine many of them smell quite good.
Guess my muff: Guess your own damn muff! (I love the word muff.)
Guess my snatch: Guess your own damn snatch!
Monster muff: Can we please not admit to having a monster muff in public? That’s what confession is for.
Rape butt cry: Can someone get me a cop? Please? I am disturbed.
Sadistic torture pulling out toenails: Ummm…what the fuck? Please stay off my website, blog and planet. I’m frightened.
Stupid TV Bitches: Nice. Didn’t your mama teach you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything? Oh. Wait. My mom taught me that. I guess I just didn’t listen!
Snuffaluffagus: SEE! They searched with all “Fs” because his name should NOT have “Ps” in it. Stupid P ruining my childhood memories.
Unicorn peeing a rainbow, unicorn vomiting rainbows, unicorn pooping rainbows, unicorns sex, unicorns with shotguns, unicorn with rainbows out of ass: Lot’s of unicorn awfulness going on here. Why unicorns, you sickos? Oh, wait, I think I Googled “drunk unicorns” and “puking rainbow unicorns” trying to find my own inappropriate unicorn picture. I am no better.
Lions and tigers and bears: Oh my!
Furry feet chickens: Ain’t nothin’ better than a furry footed chicken!
Impoliteness sneak a chicken: Is it impolite to sneak a chicken? Into where am I sneaking the chicken? A movie theater? Someone’s house? An orgy? More specifics please.
Otter toes: I love me some otter toes!
Otters a sexy: Sick freak.
Owl and no fucks were given that day: Hmmm…the owl gave no fucks that day? Or no owls nor fucks were given that day? Be clear, dammit!
Ninja chicken: Hell yeah, ninja chicken!
Turkey country women porn: Wha? What kind of image or story was this person imagining finding?
Girl peeing toilet, girl in toilet while on phone, sucks off in toilet, girl using bathroom on the phone, pee on girl, big ass girl on loo: Wow. That’s a lot of wanting to see girls on the pot. WHAT IS SO HOT ABOUT WATCHING A GIRL PEE??? I don’t get it. I’m slightly horrified. Gross. Oh, wait, I do recall posting a picture of a girl peeing while talking on the phone. I’m perpetuating this, so I can’t complain.
Happy father’s day dad who’s in heaven: Awww…this is a sweet one. Happy Father’s Day to all the daddies out there!
Peeing on teddy bear: That is wrong. Just wrong. You need to go fuck yourself. Who would pee on a teddy bear? Car teddy would be PISSED! (No pun intended.)
Ducks without beaks: Yet again, that is so very, very wrong. Who wants to see a duck without a beak???
Who started the whole duckface pose thing: FUCKING DUCK FACE HATE IT! Dang, I need a valium.
Boob spider: Okay, yeah. I wrote a blog about a muff spider. I can see how this search term would bring someone here. Good Lord…
Slut searchers: Ya know, I’ve often been a Slut Searcher. It’s like looking for Big Foot, only significantly easier.
Chicks in slutty dresses hen: I know I dressed a bit wild when I was young, but this person seemed to be looking for chicks as in chickens that are dressed sluttily. I didn’t know chickens dressed like that. Mine just run around naked.
Drunk puke slut pics: Okay, so I have one or more of those in my photo album. Who doesn’t?
Slut newsletter: Is that what you think my blog is? Mo fo!? Well…maybe sometimes…
Women’s naked fat boobs and balls for boobs: “Balls for boobs?” Sounds like some kind of perverted charity.
Needle giant boobs: I’m picturing “needle” boobs being 2 feet long and about an inch wide. I guess those could be considered giant.
Snoring man angry woman: Is there any other kind of woman when a man is snoring? If you have a snoring man, click HERE and read this.
Clapping your hands and snoring: Now THAT is a skill and is one that will get you killed in my house.
Road rag fuckn aye: I’m going to assume they meant, “Road rage, fuckin’ a?”
Angry birds fucking pigs laughing blog: STUPID ANGRY BIRDS I HATE THEM DIE ANGRY BIRDS!
Wedding vows that combine pagan and Christian themes: That’s what my hubby’s and mine did. Shockingly enough, it worked out quite well.
How honest should online dating profiles be?: VERY! DAMMIT! NO LIES! DAMMIT!
Stupidity will be dealt with accordingly: Preach on. Mama does not suffer fools very well.
What you want in a guy: Read my book and find out. Yeah, I went there.
Two ears one mouth shut the fuck up cartoon: Ha! That’s almost the exact same search phrase I used to find a picture like that!
Well I love fucking erotic cakes but I am considerate of others and clean up when i’m done: This is one of my all-time favorites. God bless someone who cleans up after themselves. But how in the hell did this search term bring them to my blog???
Why does my chicken yell when it poops?: Why do any of us?
And just in case you are curious, yes, this post took 1.2 million years of my life to write, so I hope like hell you enjoyed it!