Well, I’m a two-poster today! 
I just finished a great, fun and wonderful radio show with the delightful Pamela Cummins. She hosts The Love Channel Show on Blogtalk Radio and I was blessed to be invited to spend an hour with her. We talked about “relationshippy” (her awesome word!) stuff, book stuff and life stuff. It was a stuff-filled hour! 
Click HERE to listen to our show.
You can also find Pamela at the places listed below. Go check her out, she’s awesome!
So, as you guys know, one of the things I enjoy most in life is being a doofus. I’ve pretty much honed that skill to a sharp point, and you poor peeps have had to bear witness to it on more occasions than I can count!
As such, you also likely know that I loved teddy bears. And whether it’s an otter or a squirrel or a thing of indeterminate origin, it’s still a teddy bear to me. Grant and I make them talk and walk and, well….sometimes hump in horrible ways. But every once and a while a teddy gets out of line and thinks he/she can take over the joint. That’s what happened today.
While I was in the shower, Cantankerous Duck took over my phone’s video camera and sent this to Daddy. Rotten little shit! I think I may have to shave him and put a Dunce Cap on him so all the other teddies know not to fuck with Mommy.
Here’s what the hubby said after seeing this: “That is fucked up cute, Bunnyhead. I’ll rescue you baby doll… nasty little gangster duck.”
HA! I love how he just rolls with my insanity. Bless that man.
I thought it was about time for another “search term” blog. I swear, I laugh out loud when I read the list of search terms people use and then somehow end up on my blog. I mean, not only do I find it odd that some of these terms bring people here, but I find it even more peculiar that people search for some of these terms. I know it takes all types, but good grief, some of this shit is messed up.
In order to make this post interactive, I’ve tried to figure out which of my posts the searchers were linked to based on their search terms. So, in most cases the bolded text below will also be a link to the corresponding post on my site. Those of you who are new here can read all the horrifyingly inappropriate crap that I’ve written that brings these whacko searchers to my front door.
But before you read below, please know that it is horrible and filled with hideously foul language. It is NOT for the sensitive amongst you. This is a post for people with strong stomachs and rogue senses of humor. If you don’t like 4-letter words, turn back now.
You have now been officially warned and I don’t want no guff about my language! Got it? Got it.
I hate cleaning: Well, if there has ever been a truer search term that would bring someone to my blog, I don’t know what it could be.
I hate the word trending: Fuck you, trending.
Not in my wheelhouse: Fuck you too, wheelhouse!
What’s in my wheelhouse?: Stupid damn wheelhouse. SHUT UP about your wheelhouse. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR WHEELHOUSE!
Adult eyes only: Well, they came to the right place for that!
Bad grammer sucks it: Yep. Bad “grammEr” does suck it.
Correct grammar for this wonderful life dear lord, im forever thankful: Ummm… the amount of errors in the “correct grammar dear lord” search is horrifying. Pot calling kettle?
Tiffany Granath: Love me some Tiffany Granath and Playboy SiriusXM.
How to do sex: I gotta say, if you can’t even ask about it properly, how do you expect to do it properly?? I guess that’s why they are asking! Man, I’m a bitch.
If you muff a woman that’s on the pill: What exactly is muffing a woman? Since when is “muff” a verb?
Jodi Ambrose sex sex Jodi: Sorry to let you down, but there will be no Jodi sex videos. Nope. Nada. Nil.
Author Jodi Ambrose: That’s me, baby!
Jodi wise: Hell yeah, I am. Every 5th Tuesday in February during a Leap Year.
Spanked battleaxe: You tryin’ to say something? Battleaxe?? If I find you…
Jodi arias sex pics: God why did she have to have my first name even spelled the same way? Ugh.
i+want+to+sex+you: No. You may not. I will not be sexed by you.
Kicking ass and taking names: Yep. That’s my job description.
Toilet monster: YOU’RE a toilet monster! So there!
Good blog sassy: Why thank you! I love that this search term brought them here. I guess I have to send a check to Google for being so nice.
Jodi sucks it: Okay, since I’m not technically a hooker I can only assume they are talking about a different Jodi. Unless my past has come back to haunt me. KIDDING!
Jodi Beth Ambrose: How do you know my middle name? Are you a stalker? Should I be worried?
Massengill medicated powder: Can we quit it with the Massengill please? Why is it always about rotten crotch?
I’m positive you’re a douche: No, I’m positive YOU are a douche.
I licked my mom’s douche: God…that freaking story is going to follow me around for the rest of my damn life, ain’t it?
I want more sex: Who doesn’t? Here’s a tissue. Get in line.
Women sexy feet finger toes death: So…uhhhh…yeah…I try to avoid necrophiliacs. Please go away.
Hello Kitty having sex: Fucked up. Period.
What do strippers smell like: I know! I know! Read here to find out.
How to smell like a stripper: Does one usually WANT to smell like a stripper? Though I imagine many of them smell quite good.
Guess my muff: Guess your own damn muff! (I love the word muff.)
Guess my snatch: Guess your own damn snatch!
Monster muff: Can we please not admit to having a monster muff in public? That’s what confession is for.
Rape butt cry: Can someone get me a cop? Please? I am disturbed.
Sadistic torture pulling out toenails: Ummm…what the fuck? Please stay off my website, blog and planet. I’m frightened.
Stupid TV Bitches: Nice. Didn’t your mama teach you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything? Oh. Wait. My mom taught me that. I guess I just didn’t listen!
Snuffaluffagus: SEE! They searched with all “Fs” because his name should NOT have “Ps” in it. Stupid P ruining my childhood memories.
Unicorn peeing a rainbow, unicorn vomiting rainbows, unicorn pooping rainbows, unicorns sex, unicorns with shotguns, unicorn with rainbows out of ass: Lot’s of unicorn awfulness going on here. Why unicorns, you sickos? Oh, wait, I think I Googled “drunk unicorns” and “puking rainbow unicorns” trying to find my own inappropriate unicorn picture. I am no better.
Lions and tigers and bears: Oh my!
Furry feet chickens: Ain’t nothin’ better than a furry footed chicken!
Impoliteness sneak a chicken: Is it impolite to sneak a chicken? Into where am I sneaking the chicken? A movie theater? Someone’s house? An orgy? More specifics please.
Otter toes: I love me some otter toes!
Otters a sexy: Sick freak.
Owl and no fucks were given that day: Hmmm…the owl gave no fucks that day? Or no owls nor fucks were given that day? Be clear, dammit!
Ninja chicken: Hell yeah, ninja chicken!
Turkey country women porn: Wha? What kind of image or story was this person imagining finding?
Girl peeing toilet, girl in toilet while on phone, sucks off in toilet, girl using bathroom on the phone, pee on girl, big ass girl on loo: Wow. That’s a lot of wanting to see girls on the pot. WHAT IS SO HOT ABOUT WATCHING A GIRL PEE??? I don’t get it. I’m slightly horrified. Gross. Oh, wait, I do recall posting a picture of a girl peeing while talking on the phone. I’m perpetuating this, so I can’t complain.
Happy father’s day dad who’s in heaven: Awww…this is a sweet one. Happy Father’s Day to all the daddies out there!
Peeing on teddy bear: That is wrong. Just wrong. You need to go fuck yourself. Who would pee on a teddy bear? Car teddy would be PISSED! (No pun intended.)
Ducks without beaks: Yet again, that is so very, very wrong. Who wants to see a duck without a beak???
Who started the whole duckface pose thing: FUCKING DUCK FACE HATE IT! Dang, I need a valium.
Boob spider: Okay, yeah. I wrote a blog about a muff spider. I can see how this search term would bring someone here. Good Lord…
Slut searchers: Ya know, I’ve often been a Slut Searcher. It’s like looking for Big Foot, only significantly easier.
Chicks in slutty dresses hen: I know I dressed a bit wild when I was young, but this person seemed to be looking for chicks as in chickens that are dressed sluttily. I didn’t know chickens dressed like that. Mine just run around naked.
Drunk puke slut pics: Okay, so I have one or more of those in my photo album. Who doesn’t?
Slut newsletter: Is that what you think my blog is? Mo fo!? Well…maybe sometimes…
Women’s naked fat boobs and balls for boobs: “Balls for boobs?” Sounds like some kind of perverted charity.
Needle giant boobs: I’m picturing “needle” boobs being 2 feet long and about an inch wide. I guess those could be considered giant.
Snoring man angry woman: Is there any other kind of woman when a man is snoring? If you have a snoring man, click HERE and read this.
Clapping your hands and snoring: Now THAT is a skill and is one that will get you killed in my house.
Road rag fuckn aye: I’m going to assume they meant, “Road rage, fuckin’ a?”
Angry birds fucking pigs laughing blog: STUPID ANGRY BIRDS I HATE THEM DIE ANGRY BIRDS!
Wedding vows that combine pagan and Christian themes: That’s what my hubby’s and mine did. Shockingly enough, it worked out quite well.
How honest should online dating profiles be?: VERY! DAMMIT! NO LIES! DAMMIT!
Stupidity will be dealt with accordingly: Preach on. Mama does not suffer fools very well.
What you want in a guy: Read my book and find out. Yeah, I went there.
Two ears one mouth shut the fuck up cartoon: Ha! That’s almost the exact same search phrase I used to find a picture like that!
Well I love fucking erotic cakes but I am considerate of others and clean up when i’m done: This is one of my all-time favorites. God bless someone who cleans up after themselves. But how in the hell did this search term bring them to my blog???
Why does my chicken yell when it poops?: Why do any of us?
And just in case you are curious, yes, this post took 1.2 million years of my life to write, so I hope like hell you enjoyed it!
Howdy, everyone!
You guys know I’ve been a busy beaver recently, so I haven’t done as many radio shows as I usually do. But I had a fantastic one air today that I think you’ll enjoy.
Now, I had to tame my mouthiness as my audience wasn’t the same as it was when I did Playboy SiriusXM. I had to be a good girl. I don’t think I said a single cuss word. WHAT?? How on earth is that possible? Don’t worry, as soon as I hung up I verbally assaulted my sleeping hamster to get out all of my pent up 4-letter words. Man, did that feel good!
Here’s a link to the show: Talk Time with Trish. Give it a click and a listen.
During the show I have a lovely conversation with Trish’s co-host (who was the main host today), Dr. Lisa Stewart. She is an awesome doc who specializes in helping people communicate effectively to have a happier life. Ya can’t go wrong with that! She pretty much kicked ass today–just loved her.
I hope you enjoy listening to it as much as I enjoyed doing it.
Oh, and my new article for The Acquiring Man Magazine should be coming out in the next couple of weeks. This time I also did a podcast to go along with it, so hopefully you can hear it as well as read it. I always sound so goofy when I listen to my recorded self. Yikes! It’ll be called something like, Ready for Titillating Head-to-Toe Sex? My thought: aren’t we all??
Have a great weekend everyone!
HUGS!
So, I went back and reread my Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday, part one from last year and I must say that it all still holds true.
For those of you new to my blog since June of last year, you can read it here: OLD HAG. I really hope you enjoy it and/or identify with it because I have to tell you that I’m happier in my 40s than I’ve ever been before and it’ll tell you exactly why.
As I don’t want to repeat what I said last year I’m going to list a few things that I’ve learned and a few things for which I am thankful.
Things for which I’m thankful:
Things I’ve learned:
I recently went back home for a visit (last week) and while I was there I saw two old friends who are so very dear to my heart. One I’ve known for 29 years. The other I’ve known for 22. Both of them have made such a great impact in my life–I wouldn’t be who I am today without either of them. One taught me what true friendship is. One taught me when to cut and run, how to heal and how to forgive. It was really quite emotional being back there, but I’m so thankful I went. Here’s what I’ve learned over the the last half of my life from knowing those two people:
As you can see, these two old friends have helped me achieve the beautiful life I have now and I thank God every day that they not only came into my life, but that they stayed.
On an entirely different note: Did I go an entire post without using the word “fuck”? Holy crap!
Last but not least, here is a pic of my Mommy and me last week at the beach. I’m 5 days shy of being 43 in this pic and my mom is 74. We both embrace our age, though we also both still feel 22 (and often act it too!). I am most grateful that my mom is not only still around, but that she is for the most part happy and healthy. She is a true gift from God and I’m forever thankful to have her.
Okay, technically I’m still on vacation, so 
pretend you didn’t read this, that I’m not around and that you never saw me. But I had to share this awesome review for Sex: How to Get More of It that I saw today. My heart is sooooooooooooo warmed and I’m just tickled pink.
Please go check it out by clicking HERE.
The review is by the lovely, talented and wonderful Elizabeth Melton Parsons. Go check out her blog and follow her. Clearly she has great taste in books (ha! ) so you’ll probably love other stuff she has to say.
Oh, quick note: Mom and I had a WONDERFUL vacation–thanks to all of you who wished us a great time; all that wishing worked! It was lovely.
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Yay!!!
Starting today I’ll be writing monthly articles for The Acquiring Man magazine and I’m totally psyched! My articles will be about love, relationships, naughty-bits and all that good stuff.
Please check it out (especially if you are in a relationship where a little extra–better–yummier romping would be a welcomed thing!).
Click HERE to read my article.
I think there was a tiny copy/paste issue though as one of my sentences is in there twice, so just ignore the duplication. You know what a crazy perfectionist I am!
I hope you enjoy it and if you follow the suggestion in the article I hope you have an AWESOME nookie-life too!
XOXOXOX
Well, well, well…I can’t believe how many of my early readers emailed me and suggested that I post this again. You guys are just too adorable and I really appreciate that you took the time to email me. I guess my horrifying childhood memory post spawned a desire to reread some of my very early, new-to-blogging posts. As I live to please, I thought I’d go ahead and post it. It is truly awful though, so honest to God, no one should read this. You’ve been warned twice!!
So, what is the Buzz Muff you ask?
Lemme tell you a little story…
I used to have to travel for work all the time. I was the consummate Road Warrior! I had 2 sets of makeup. 2 curling irons. 2 of everything so I could just grab a suitcase and go. About 2 years ago I was traveling back and forth to Florida every week for about 8 weeks. Kill me. That is a LONG ASS flight, especially in coach. Total suck. For those of you who’ve spent a lot of time in a plane, you know that when you unfold yourself out of those teeny tiny, made for 90 pound 4 foot tall people seats, that your body sometimes rebels. This is such a story.
Having finally arrived in the ungodly miserable heat and humidity (my damn glasses always fog up the second I walk outside and I’m essentially blind for 45 seconds) I head to the car rental place. It was right at the terminal, so not a bad walk. While standing there I all of a sudden felt this “buzz” in my nether regions. WTF??? What the hell was that?? Is my phone in my pocket? 10 seconds later: BUZZ!! 10 seconds after that: BUZZ. What on earth??!!! Maybe it’s some vibration coming up through the floor since we are still at the airport. Maybe the close flying planes cause the floor to blah blah blah. I had NO clue what the hell was causing it. I was looking for any excuse to grab on to as I’d never before had the Buzz Muff.
I get my rental (BUZZ) car. Put my luggage in (BUZZ) the trunk. Start driving to (BUZZ) the hotel. Now I realize that I cannot blame this on any kind of floor vibration climbing up my leg and landing in my, ummm…girl parts. And while some of you out there may be thinking, “HOW AWESOME!!! It must be like having a “personal massager” on demand every 10 seconds,” let me assure you: NOT FUN! Especially when you don’t know what in the hell is causing it. My brain is thinking: Spinal injury; caught some ungodly worm or mite from the bathroom in the plane; my muff is going to fall off; clearly I’m dying and this is the first throe of death. It was funny and horrifying all at the same time.
Eventually, I find my hotel, get (BUZZ) checked in and unpacked. I call the hubby and say, “Ummm…honey. I gots me the Buzz Muff.” He was like, “What in the hell are you talking about (while laughing his ass off–I still owe him a small stick in the kidney with an ice pick for laughing so hard!). I try to explain to him my muff insanity, but it was hard to explain! All I could relate it to was the time I was swapping out a regular outlet for a GFCI outlet and turned off the wrong breaker. I got a hell of a shock with that and that is exactly how this felt.
So, on to the next day where I have to train a handful of teachers from 7:30am-4:00pm and then another group from 4:30pm-8:30pm (my bosses are clearly child labor enthusiasts!). This is to be my schedule for the next 3 days. And right on time, every ten seconds, BUZZ! Can I even begin to express to you how incredibly difficult it is to train 30 teachers how to use computers in the classroom while BUZZ is happening with every 5th word I utter???
On day two I called my gyno and said to her, as she is awesome, “What in the fuck is wrong with my coochie??? I’m going to tear it off and throw it in the ocean if it doesn’t stop!” She too cracked up laughing! Bitch. She came up with many scenarios including this one which is my favorite: “Well…could it be that…ummm…could Grant have, you know, left something in there by accident?” OH MY GOD!!! That made ME die laughing. No. That is not what happened. She told me that happens all the time. She told me this right as I was taking a long drink of coffee and I spit it everywhere!! How does one “forget” an object like that in a place like that??? Good Lord have mercy. Alas, she has no answer for me. Dammit!
On day three I called my boss. I said to her, “I don’t think I can finish this training. I gots me the Buzz Muff.” Yep, you can guess her response. And yes, I told my BOSS that. Why not? We’re all chicks. She told me that if I needed to come home early that she’d understand. Of course, her being so understanding made me stay and finish out the week because I didn’t want to let her down.
On day four I finally get to go home. I’ve gotten NO sleep. The thought of “returning from a business trip” sex makes me wanna puke. I’m quite certain I’m dying of some hideous nerve cancer or some other horror. But I persist and get on the plane. I fold myself into my 2 square feet of space, take 2 sleeping pills and pass out. There was NO way I’d have made it on the plane for 6 hours with the Buzz Muff hounding me without tearing open the emergency exit and jumping to my delightful and wished-for death.
We finally land. I stand up to stretch and while doing so I feel no buzzing. NONE! Where’d the Buzz Muff go? I say out loud, “THANK YA JESUS!” The lady next to me says, “Yeah, thank God that flight is over.” Pretending that was what I was talking about I concurred and then stood there reveling in the fact that my muff had returned to its previously happy state of well-being.
The following week I went to the doc and he told me (through not-so-veiled giggles) that while he had NEVER, EVER heard of the Buzz Muff that I must have pinched a nerve on the plane on the way to Florida and unpinched it on the plane back. It was his only solution to my ever-curious girlie parts.
Since then, everyone at work either called me Buzz/Buzzy or would walk by and make a buzzing noise. I guess word travels fast when it’s one’s who-ha in crisis! I don’t even work there anymore and some of my old coworkers STILL call me that. Never dull…nope, life is never dull.
If any of you have suffered the Buzz Muff or are doctors and would like to share with me your theories, please feel free. It is still the Great Unknown Muff Adventure and a little insight would be awesome.
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TGIMFF!!! (Yeah, TGIF just doesn’t capture how happy I am that it’s Friday!) The hubby and I are doing a double feature tomorrow. First, Pain and Gain. Any suggestions for movie number 2?
As for the favor, I’m wondering if those of you who I sent complimentary copies of my books to, or who got in on the $.99 Kindle/Nook book special, would do me a favor? If you got the books and enjoyed them, can you pretty please leave a delicious review of them on Amazon? I hate to even ask, but I’d be super grateful. After Amazon went bonkers last year and deleted tons of reviews off of everyone’s books including mine (I will still never understand why they did that), it appears that hardly anyone has read my books when they actually do quite well. It was so devastating to go from having tons of all 5-star reviews (except 1 from someone who liked the content but not my slightly naughty mouth ) to having almost no reviews at all. Absolutely heartbreaking. 
I heard back from tons of you via email on how much you laughed or how yummy the food was–and was so delighted by your wonderful stories, but it would be great to see that wonderful commentary on Amazon too. And just so you know, it doesn’t have to be a tome. It could literally be one happy sentence and I’d be thrilled. I’d really appreciate it, my lovely blog buddies, if you’d help me out with this. And if you don’t want to or didn’t like the books, I totally understand and don’t feel like you have to leave a review–no pressure. I just thought I’d ask those of you who did enjoy them or got a good chuckle out of them to leave a review.
If you do decide to post a review (for any or all books), just click on the pictures below and it’ll take you right to the book’s Amazon page.
…you can go suck it because I beat you!!!!
I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!
I’ve been more stressed the last few weeks (as you guys know) then I’ve been in a looooooong time. And even though hari kari was calling my name and I kept eyeballing the shotgun and taser, I managed to NOT SMOKE even a single drag!!!
It’s been 4 months, 28 days and 9 hours since I had a puff on a cigarette (not that I’m counting). Yay!! And it was TEMPTING!! That night my sister was my superhero and I sat in my car crying and screaming on the phone to her, there was a pack of unopened smokes just sitting in my glovebox. I keep them there to prove to myself that I don’t need them. And it worked.
Quitting cold turkey after smoking since I was 14 (with a few breaks here and there) wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m so excited that I managed to say no to the Yummy Sticks. Yes, I call them Yummy Sticks. Honest to God, smoking is one of my very favorite things on earth. I almost never drink (maybe 2-3 glasses of wine a year), I don’t do drugs (unless you count Valium to go to the dentist) and so smoking was my deliciously wicked vice. Now I have no vices! I can’t even be a slut cause I’m a married old broad. KIDDING! I never was much for the slutty behavior (but I love me some sluts, so if you are slutty I love your slutty ass).
For those of you who have been or who are smokers, you know exactly what I’m talking about. For those of you who have never been smokers, you are truly blessed to not know the misery of not being able to light up. I’ve heard quitting smoking compared to giving up the needle and it doesn’t surprise me one bit!
See, here’s my best friend and me enjoying a nice, yummy smoke after a delicious dinner a couple of years ago. We look so joyful and happy to be alive! Ahh…the good ole days…
So that everyone out there understands why I used to like smoking so much (and I will again if I’m ever terminally ill, dammit!!!!) I’m going to put a little video clip here from the TV show Frasier. This scene PERFECTLY describes what is so tantalizing about a cigarette.
The whole clip is funny, but if you skip ahead to about 1:06 (the clip’s about 3 minutes long) you’ll get to the heart of the true smoker’s dream.
Enjoy! And NEVER start smoking if you aren’t a smoker now. Why put yourself through the hell of quitting? It totally sucks balls.
XOXOXO
