Nooooooooooo! The Beginning of the End.

Well, it’s confirmed.

I’m older than Methuselah!

And I’m able to document when my ancient-ness started to the exact day. How many people can say that?

So, there I am, putting on a little makeup before the man gets home so that I don’t rival the Crypt Keeper for ugliest freak show on earth and I see something in my eyebrow.

“What on earth is that?” I ask myself.

Then I flip the mirror around to the 10x magnification side (eeeee gawds, don’t ever do that!) and saw this monstrosity:

Eyebrow from Hell 2014What in the ever-loving hell is that?

Who ever heard of such a hideous thing?

Half luxurious black. Half Jodi-is-old-as-dirt gray.

What the fuck????????

I’m too young for this!

Oh, and add to the grayness the fact that that eyebrow hair is 300 feet long.

It looks like a 90-year-old man’s nose hair.

Hmmm…what shall I do to cheer myself up?

I’m thinking a splurge of pizza for dinner.

Yep, that’ll heal what ails me.

:)

Hope you guys are having a good week! XO

 

 

It’s time to get down and get funky! (Updated! Yay!)

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No, I don’t mean to roll in the dirt and get smelly! Though that does sound like fun. ;)

I mean that tonight I’m going to be on LA Talk Radio! The show is called Modern Male Radio and starts at 8pm Pacific time, 11pm Eastern. Woo hoo!

And is it going to be a show!

UPDATE: Here’s the link to listen to the show: KICK ASS YAPPING. Wow, they are fast! Listen to the one dated September 18th, 2014.

Senior Citizen Sex

Not only is it hosted by an incredible author and man about town, Jarod Zavistoski (he’s great!), but co-hosting is Nick Hawk from the Showtime TV show Gigolos.

We’re going to dish about all things relationshippy and how to have more luscious nookie and happy intimacy.

Can’t go wrong with that. Well, unless you hate sex and don’t like people to be nice to you.

If that’s the case, ummmmm…yeah…I got nothin’! ;)

Click HERE or on the pic below to get to LA Talk Radio’s site.

Listen in, my wonderful peeps. We’ll have a great time!

XOXOXOX

I’ve turned into Martha Stewart! Someone save me from myself!!! ;)

Who on God’s green earth ever thought that I would be Jodi the Happy Homemaker?! ;)

You guys know I run from all things domestic. Really, it’s the only time I run. I prefer to sit. Wasn’t it Winston Churchill who said,

“Never stand up when you can sit down, and never sit down when you can lie down.”

I say, “Preach on, brother!”

Alas, I have a cute little way to dress up, of all things, your toilet.

Yep, I said toilet.

Martha Stewart and Hints from Heloise move over!

So, you know those little caps that cover the screws that hold your toilet in place? Half the time they are just gross. Eww!!! The other half of the time they have been lost–like those damnable missing socks that the dryer eats.

Where the hell do they go? It makes no sense. It’s not like someone would steal your toilet screw covers. Well, maybe they would. Maybe they lost theirs so they then stole yours. Hmmm…makes one think. ;)

Anyway, I have the cutest solution ever.

And while it seems like a non sequitur, but isn’t, I always have a million salt and pepper shakers. When I have folks over for dinner I like everyone to have their own cute little set. I have birdies, froggies, squirrelies, turtles (no way to really add “ies” to the word turtle).

Well, I recently discovered that I have more salt and pepper shakers than I ever do have dinner guests.

About 2 minutes after making that discovery I walked into my bathroom and saw those ugly, uncovered screws and voila! An idea was born!

Here’s my solution to ugly toilet screws:

Toilet Birdie Decor 1 Toilet Birdie Decor 2

Ta dah!

Isn’t that adorable? Okay, maybe more goofy than adorable, but still–it looks a hell of a lot better than a nasty old rusty screw. :)

If you live anywhere near a Cracker Barrel restaurant, that’s where I get all my salt and pepper shakers. They are only a dollar and if you just take the little rubber thing out that holds in the salt/pepper, you can stick the cute little guy on the screw and have a happy toilet!

Okay, that’s all the domesticity I’m gonna have for a while.

If you do this, send me pics! I wanna see other people’s toilet decor!

:)

 

 

Why Was I Talking About Dipping Your Wick Into Places It Doesn’t Belong? Ah ha! The Answer At Last!

Hello, all my lovelies!

About a month ago I posted a poll on whether or not you guys thought it was a betrayal to seek sexual satisfaction from real, live people outside of your relationship via phone or computer.

A big thanks to all of you for your thoughtful responses and poll answering.

It was so hard for me not to spew my opinion all over the place when I wrote that post, but I didn’t want to sway anyone’s thoughts on the matter before they had a chance to comment or vote. Of course now, I’m nothin’ but sass mouth on the topic!! ;)

In case you’re wondering, I used the info from that poll to write my latest article for The Acquiring Man magazine.

If you voted or just wanna see the article, click HERE or on the pic below (dang, that chick is hot!).

acquiring man is it cheating

PS: there is one typo in the article that is repeated 4 times that is making my brain itch! But the editor is going to fix them. He added the line because it’s a great summary of the article–I should have included it myself, so I’m glad he added it in. But as you guys know, I can be a grammar nazi, so forgive the missing apostrophe for now. :)

Your opinion on virtually sticking “it” places it don’t belong! :)

Howdy!

I hope everyone is having a good week. Thanks the good Lord it’s almost Friday. I swear my brain stopped working around 11am today and I’m about done for. ;)

So, I want to reach out to you guys to answer my poll. I’ve had so many people talk to me lately about how their marriages or long-term relationships are being smashed to pieces because one of the partners is engaging in romantic/sexual play with people online.

It may be serious flirting over chat or the phone.sexy girl texting It may be sexting with or without photos. It may be Skyping in an inappropriate way with someone else. It could be participating in live-action “tell me what to do, baby” video porn.

Without speaking my mind on the subject (which I’ll do soon enough) I want to know what you think.

Here’s the premise:

Do you think it is a betrayal if your significant other is finding sexual satisfaction from another person via the phone or internet?

Poll for the ladies: If your man was being sexual with another woman online, would you consider it a betrayal?

 

Poll for the gentlemen: If your woman was being sexual with another man online, would you consider it a betrayal?

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. You guys kick ass!

As soon as your thoughtful responses are collected, I’ll let you see why they were so important.

Hugs!

Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday: Part twat

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Oh! I mean part trois! As in 3, since this is my 3rd birthday post. ;)

How on God’s green earth can it be my birthday again?

Jodi Blowing Out Candles

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I turned 24? Lie to me. Tell me it was yesterday! :)

Kidding. I actually don’t mind growing older so much.

Yeah, my back hurts more often, but the upshot is that my boobs are longer. OH! I mean bigger. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Bigger and juicier and more bodacious! Uh huh, let’s stick with that.. ;)Long Boobs!

And sometimes I think I want a job that is stress-free. You know, like getting paid to pet kitty cats…or something just as delicious and peaceful.

Kitties

But beyond all of that, growing older has its perks.

Perk 1: Being surrounded only by people that I truly love (cause fuck all those drama-causing mo fos!).

Perk 2: Being happy with who I am.

Perk 3: Having adventures like getting SCUBA certified (and actually being able to afford it finally!).

Perk a: Realizing that having a car that you don’t fret about parking (because you know every dumb asshat on earth is going to ding it with their door) is the best thing ever. Don’t get me wrong, I want a Dodge Challenger so bad that I could explode, but I’m content with my Flintstone claptrap car.

ChargerFlintstone car

Perk d: Realizing that having just a few close friends is so much more valuable than trying to spread myself thin and then not giving enough to anyone.

Perk 5d: Understanding that people who are shitbags live shitty lives and lay in the bed of their making nightly. One fuckhat I can think of in particular is about a decade older than me so I take comfort in the fact that he’ll probably die before I do (or at least go bald before me). ;) This is how I picture him when he’s in Nasty Fucker mode and it helps me from grabbing the closest hatchet and laying him to waste:

Old man

Perk 9: Learning that while I’m a grammar nazi, sometimes I gotta just stp teh fuk bck and spall shit rong nd bee okey wif it. (Yes, that includes having a crazy numbering system for these very perks and just running with it. I kept reordering them and the renumbering just got stupid annoying…so it is what it is.)   :)

All in all, it’s been a great year.

I have a wonderful hubby, a loving family, friends I adore, kitties that love me, a crazy hamster that entertains me to no end, adorable chicken butt chickens that give me eggs, a house that’s getting close to being done with remodeling, a job I mostly enjoy and only 4 gray hairs–including the one I just plucked out of my eyebrow.

I’m thankful every day for the wonderful life I have. And a big thanks to all of you who put up with my dirty potty mouth and smart ass ways. Bless you for coming back for more punishment.

Happy birthday to all the Geminis out there! Keep torturing those you love with your multiple personalities (as I do daily!).

HappyBirthday

XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOOXOXOX

Because I’m a total freakin’ whacko!

Wow. I’m proud of myself. My mind came up with “freakin” before “fuckin.”

I must be tired! ;)

So, I’m in the middle of writing my yearly birthday post, which takes more than a minute, and thought in the meantime I’d share with you the totally ridiculous stuff that goes on around my house while my hubby is out of town.

These are the kinds of things I send him while he’s gone to let him know he’s loved and missed.

Yep. I’m 5 beers short of a six-pack! ;)

Counterfeit DaisyShe drank all the liquor! Little shit!

Gotta love a Counterfeit Daisy!

PS: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammit! Just noticed a typo in the pic.  Fuck a duck. ;)

 

Mouthy Broad Alert!

Howdy!

Thank GOD it’s Fuckin’ Friday!!! I swear, my poor little noggin has processed more information this week than it knows what to do with. My brain sponge is full and leaking everywhere. I think I’ve lost memories all the way up to 6th grade.

Yes, that means I’ve forgotten the days when this was my outfit of choice:

Nothing But Trouble

 

So, since I’m now worthless and plan on doing nothing but staring at the TV while drooling (and possibly treating myself to chocolate chip pancakes) for the rest of the day, I thought I’d share that you can check out (read, LIVE BY, obey) my new article at Acquiring Man Magazine. (In case it’s not clear, click either “new article” or HERE to go read it. Yeah, I’m a smart ass…no two ways about it!)  ;)

Love you guys! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend full of chocolate, nookie, furry animals and more chocolate.

Wait…that’s what my weekend is going to look like.

May yours look equally awesome!

AND HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

Mom’s kick ass!!

XOXOXOXOXO

Sassy, Slutty and Sentimental

…yep, that about sums it up!

Recently, I did a radio show that asked me to send in a few songs that I thought summed up my thoughts about life. I thought that was a cool idea as it can really help a person define themselves–to themselves.

It was actually quite hard to do because, well, I’m a lunatic as we all know. One day I’m mauling all of my teddy bears and playing house with them, and the next I’ve got on some slutty nurse outfit. I guess that’s the Gemini in me. To say I’ve got multiple personalities is the understatement of the year. ;)

Anyway, I thought I’d share my songs with you. I bought them so hopefully I’m not violating some freaking obscure copyright law by posting them here.

I hope you enjoy them!

Songs for:

When I feel trampy:

 

When I feel like life is just about as awesome as it can get:

 

When I feel like shaking my ass (when no one is home and all the blinds are drawn–eee gawds!):

 

When I feel like kicking EVERYONE’s ass from here to hell and back…then hitting them about the head and shoulders with a hammer…then disemboweling them…then setting them on fire and humping on their ashes:

 

When I wanna sing and dance in my car to the horror of others:

 

Okay, I could go on and on and on, alas, I’m cutting myself off here! :)

Now, I’m gonna say something that sounds all shrinky and shit, but it’s not a bad idea…if life isn’t exactly how you want it to be, find your own songs. Sometimes, hearing how you feel articulated by others can help clarify things for you. I know…that seems kinda silly, but it can work. If your “theme song” is “I wish someone would fuckin’ kill me”…well…that can give you clarity. ;)

I’m off to make spaghetti sauce. YUM!!!!! Yeah, cooking usually sucks, but this is one dish I can make like a mo fo. Plus, the hubby is cutting up all the onions, garlic and green pepper–so really, all I have to do is dump everything into a pot. Ahhh…the good life.

XOXO

 

 

FREE Books! Just for you! (And everyone else.) :)

Okay, I promised that I’d do another book giveaway and the time is nigh! ;)

You can download to your Kindle, or any other freaking device on earth onto which you can download the Kindle reader, any or ALL of my 3 books (download the reader by clicking HERE).

Just go to my Amazon age (yep, click HERE to get there) and let the downloading frenzy begin!

Last time I did my Kindle giveaway all of the books went to #1 (HOLY SHIT CAKES!) on the Kindle Free Top 100 list (my mom was very proud!). Totally freaking cool! I was quite delighted, to say the least. I have to admit, I wouldn’t complain if that happened again.

If you like any of them, I’d be forever grateful if you’d leave a great review. I’d offer you my first born, but as I’m a childless old bat that would be an empty promise. Will eternal gratitude suffice?

Here are the 5-day freebies, in case you have no clue as to what I spout on and on about. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

Anyway, I hope you guys love them–that they make you laugh and help you to have the most joyful lives and happiest taste buds.

Oh, maybe telling you when this is going to happen would be a fine and dandy idea… Duh… Drool…

Friday, May 2nd – Tuesday, May 6th.

I picked those days as my dad’s birthday falls during them so it’s kinda a shout out to pops for his birthday. Good grief, I’m a sentimental old fuck. ;)

Love you guys! Enjoy! XOXOXOXO

PS: Tell all your friends to get their free copies too. Who couldn’t use good food and happiness and maybe even some naughty nookie?