Quit being a fucktard

Seriously, I’ve tried to write this post 50 times and keep deleting it.

I’m trying to be delicate and inoffensive (which, I know, is rare!).

But I’m just going to say it.

People have a right to be who they are. Period.

If you don’t like it, don’t look at it.

If you don’t like it, don’t go to their parties.

If you don’t like it, don’t invite them over for Sunday dinner.

If you don’t like it, tough noogies.

I can GUARANTEE that no matter what kind of clean-living life you think you lead (and by you, I mean everyone on earth), there is someone on this planet who despises your faith, your politics, your sexuality, the color of your skin, etc…

It is sad that people hate so quickly and easily for something as little as where someone else sticks their dick.

Who the hell cares?

All of us have done or do things that others wouldn’t approve of, but we don’t want to be judged.

So, here’s an idea, don’t judge others either.

There will always be people you don’t like. I can name a few off the top of my head that I’d like to see eaten by prairie dogs. But it’s not because of who they sleep with, what church they attend, how much or little melanin they have in their skin.

If I hate a mother fucker it’s because they treat people like shit. It’s a personal kind of dislike that is rooted totally in the fact that that person makes a conscious effort to ruin other people’s lives in a direct, person-to-person way.

A transgender couple in Alabama is not mean to me, therefore I hope they are happy and live wonderful lives.

A biracial couple raising biracial kids in Washington is not mean to me, therefore I hope they are happy and live wonderful lives.

A gay couple getting married because they are in love is not being mean to me, therefore I hope they too are happy and live wonderful lives.

What I can never understand is why people latch onto things that they personally think are unacceptable because they fall outside of their own view of the world, and then choose to rail on about how bad, evil, against God, unnatural, blah blah blah those ways of life are.

Honest to God, one of the best things anyone can do both for society and for themselves is learn that a world full of happy, loving, tolerant, non-judgmental people, who spend their time doing things to BETTER the world rather than spitting venom into it, is a better world in which everyone can find their bit of joy.

I remember once being preached at by someone about how gays are ruining the world. Meanwhile, this person was married and having not one, but two, affairs.

Hmmm…I think that those without sin should chuck that first rock. The hypocrisy about killed me. But then everyone can find ways to defend their own lifestyle choices, while condemning others’ right to make their own.

My mantra is this: Wake up. Hurt no one. Go to sleep. Wake up. Repeat.

To me, and only to me as everyone is allowed their own opinion, that is the way to lead a truly happy life.

I don’t worry about who fucks who.

I don’t worry about who prays to what God.

All I care about is that we are kind to each other and try to create a world where our children will grow into happy, healthy adults where the word “tolerance” isn’t even a part of their vocabulary because allowing someone to live a life different from their own isn’t “tolerating” anything. It’s just how it is and all’s good.

I know there may be people who read this and say that I’m trying to choke my own thoughts down their throat so aren’t I a big ole fucking hypocrite? Well, if me sharing that I want people to live wonderful, judgment-free lives where differences aren’t only tolerated but celebrated, then I’m okay being labeled a hypocrite.

I hear all the time from people defending their right to hate somebody that “MY God doesn’t approve of that,” when it comes to the way some people choose to live their lives.

Well, let me just say this. My God is loving. My God sacrificed his Son for our sins. My God judges lives when you walk though the Pearly Gates–so that means you don’t have to do His job for Him.

When it all comes down in the end…when you look back on your life…do you want it to be full of antagonism, prejudice, hate, intolerance and judgment?

Or do you want to look back and say, “I did my best to create a good life, bring people around me joy, and now I can die knowing I did the best I could.”?

I vote for the second option.

In those last moments will you think about all the people you hated or will you think about the love you’ve been blessed enough to know?

If the answer is “the love” then why wait until your final moments? Why not live that life now?

But better people than me have written about such things, and so here are words from a very wise person about The End.

In my rear view mirror the sun is going down
Sinking behind bridges in the road
And I think of all the good things
That we have left undone
And I suffer premonitions
Confirm suspicions
Of the holocaust to come.

The rusty wire that holds the cork
That keeps the anger in
Gives way
And suddenly it’s day again.
The sun is in the East
Even though the day is done.
Two suns in the sunset
Could be the human race is run.

Like the moment when the brakes lock
And you slide towards the big truck
You stretch the frozen moments with your fear.
And you’ll never hear their voices
And you’ll never see their faces
You have no recourse to the law anymore.

And as the windshield melts
My tears evaporate
Leaving only charcoal to defend.
Finally I understand the feelings of the few.
Ashes and diamonds
Foe and friend
We were all equal in the end.

BOOK GIVEAWAY and other awesome stuff that makes me blush!

Hi! Wow, 2 post in 2 day–I must be feeling better. :) (Yep, 2 typos within the first 7 words–okay, maybe not feeling 100% better yet!)

Plus, this one is time sensitive. You guys know I write a monthly column for the Acquiring Man magazine. They just posted a book giveaway on Facebook for my Sex book and I wanted you guys to have a shot at it. If you are on Facebook, go like the post (for one entry into the drawing) or share it (for two entries).Acquiring Man Selfish Sexually

Speaking of the Acquiring Man magazine, my new article posted the other day. Go check it out. It’s a bit raunchy (shocking! I know!) but it’s funny too–all about the pitfalls of being a selfish lover. Yes, I talk about wanting to kill people. You know how I am!

Let’s see…other cool stuff going on.

Oh, I was on an awesome radio show yesterday. It was my 3rd or 4th time and we had a blast. It’s called Sex and Politics Radio and guess what we talked about? Yep, you got it. Otters. NOOOO! We dished about some great sex stuff, though I had to keep it kinda clean since it airs online and on broadcast radio. It was NOT easy, let me tell ya!  Give it a click HERE to listen.

I also awoke the other day to a wonderful surprise review of my book. Joey Pinkney is a best selling author and book reviewer and he surprised me with a review of my Intimacy book for the ladies. I was so tickled! Especially because I’m always nervous when a man reads it as it was written for chicks–but he gave it 5 stars. Yay! Click HERE to give it a read. :) Watch out though–he used my red haired pic, so if you haven’t seen me incognito like that before it may cause nightmares. Just warning you!

Last but not least, I realized that I hadn’t blogged about a wonderful woman who wrote the nicest reviews of my books on her blog. She blogs as: Ramblings from a Strange Woman… I Am Not Your Average Housewife!! I almost fainted with appreciation when I read these, so I wanted to say a very public THANK YOU to her and send all of you over there to follow her. She’s a total sweetheart!

Cookbook review.

Sex review (wait…something sounds naughty about that!).

Intimacy review.

Now, please don’t think I’m some kind of narcisstic lunatic for blogging about all these things. I promise you this is not me “Oooo Oooo Ooooing” like Horshack in Mr. Kotter’s class to get attention (google it youngins! or see below). This post is more a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to do something lovely for me. As you guys know, it humbles me that people would be so kind as to invite me onto their radio shows and write things about my books. It thrills me to my very toes, so THANK YOU to everyone who has been so wonderful to me. It is appreciated more than you know. MUCH LOVE!!!!

I like big words and I cannot lie! (But NOT if they make no sense, dammit!!!!)

.Big Bootie!

I’m shakin’ my ass all over the place now that the Big Butts song is stuck in my head!! ;)

Alas, I digress. Let’s get down to it!

Good grief. People drive me bonkers.

All of you guys know that I like to rant and fume about grammar, punctuation, word choice, etc… I find it fun (if not horribly hypocritical since I make mistakes all the time!) to throw fits over the ways that people speak and write. I’m a hideous person. I know.  ;)

I  also know that I like to occasionally use words that are longer than 6 letters. Not because they are longer than 6 letters, but because they fit with what I’m trying to say. I’m an old (stress the word old) English major, so I’ve read a bunch and know a fair amount of words.

BUT!!!! What I do NOT do is throw in 25 cent words to try and make myself sound smart because guess what? It doesn’t make anyone sound smart to use big words for the sole purpose of using big words and confusing people. It only makes the person speaking (or writing) look like an insecure asshat when they use words, especially buzz words, to sound all fancy.

This drives me insane: “I’m smarter than you because I said, ‘wheelhouse, out of the box and quorum’ all in one sentence! Don’t you feel dumb that you didn’t understand my sentence at all? You should, because I’m smart and use words in a way that no one gets because I’m brilliant and you are stupid.”

I swear, people who speak like that make me want to pull my hair out for several reasons. 1) Stop being a pompus ass! 2) You aren’t communicating effectively, you retarded moron 3) You are clearly incredibly insecure because you are trying to sound smart by confusing everyone with your idiotic words.

If no one understands you, then maybe you shouldn’t speak? What’cha think about that? I personally like that idea.

If you say this sentence, “I think we should meet on Friday to discuss the project,” like this, “I am in favor of uniting a quorum of individuals to address which artifacts should be discussed in our iterative meeting  based on the developmental progress of our deliverable on the last day of the work week,” I immediately want to kill you. And not just kill you, but KILL YOU kill you. Painfully. With malice. Some kind of medieval or Shakespearean kind of death.

Why oh why does anyone think they sound smart by speaking like that? Why? Help me understand. I don’t get it. It’s so annoying and frustrating and makes me feel sorry for you. I think to myself, “Awwww…that poor fucking idiot must feel so small and stupid that they think speaking like a research paper being graded on a per-word basis makes them sound smart.”

Sorry, I know that my filter removal is at an all-time high (especially the death threats) but I’m constantly surrounded by people who do that and it makes me want to jam pencils into my ears while screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”


Communication, effective communication, is all about speaking or writing in a way in which people are able to, wait for it… understand what you are saying. If you aren’t effectively communicating, then why bother speaking?

My heart goes out to people who are so insecure. I want to both shake the shit out of them and pat their little insecure heads and tell them it’ll all be okay.

Alrighty, I’m done. All these words have worn me out. I’m going mono-syllabic for the rest of the day. (Right!!) ;)

What a complete crock of sh*t! Dish Network can suck it!

I love it when big corporations just screw you blind in uncomfortable places and then ask you for a tip. ASSHATS!!!

I got an email today from Dish Network that was not particularly clear, so I stupidly thought I’d start a chat with their customer service. I should know better than to do such an idiotic thing.

This is how it went:


Moises: Hi, my name is Moises. How may I help you?
Jodi Ambrose: Hi Moises. I just received this email from Dish:
Jodi Ambrose:

Dear Jodi,

DISH will make sure you can still watch Breaking Bad, Hell on Wheels, and The Walking Dead. We have some very rewarding offers in place. Find out how to enjoy your shows on Amazon® and iTunes® on your computer or by streaming through your Xbox®, PlayStation®, Apple TV® or Roku®. Call today at 1-888-581-1972 to learn more. Thanks for being a valued DISH customer.

Jodi Ambrose: Does this mean that AMC will no longer be provide through my regular Dish service?
Moises: I’ll be more than willing to assist you with your concern.
Jodi Ambrose: Thank you
Moises: For security purposes, would you please verify the 4 digit Security Code on the account?
Jodi Ambrose: xxxx
Moises: For security purposes, would you please verify the last four digits of the Social Security Number on the account?
Jodi Ambrose: xxxx
Moises: Thank you. How are you today?
Jodi Ambrose: Fine
Jodi Ambrose: thanks
Moises: That’s nice to know.
Jodi Ambrose: All I need to know is if AMC will no longer be provided through my regular dish network service
Moises: DISH is committed to fighting on your behalf to provide you with the best programming and the lowest possible price. The channels AMC Networks forces us to deliver — WE, IFC and AMC — do not give our customers the best content at the best value. We have permanently removed them from the DISH line up as of June 30. We are open to a creative proposal from AMC Networks that would resolve this situation, but at this point it looks like the channels will be down permanently.
Jodi Ambrose: Based on the email that Dish sent, there are still ways we can view AMC. Do those options come through Dish Network or are they through other venders like Amazon, Roku, etc…
Moises: You can view that through your amazon and itunes.
Jodi Ambrose: At an additional cost, I imagine?
Moises: Not all. (Note what a HUGE LIE this is in the next few interactions.)
Jodi Ambrose: How will we view those shows through other outlets for free? Whenever I watch TV through Amazon, I have to pay 1.99 per episode.
Moises: AMC Networks has further devalued its programming by making its handful of popular shows available to consumers via iTunes, Netflix and Amazon.com. This means that AMC Networks wants us to pay many millions of dollars for content that is available to our subscribers the next day for just a couple of dollars.
Jodi Ambrose: So I will have to pay to watch these shows if I watch them on Amazon, itunes, etc…
Moises: Not all have of the episodes. (Wha? This makes no sense. I guess when not copying and pasting pre-written answers, the CSRs can’t formulate sentences on their own.)
Moises: Only some of the episodes that has a charge.
Jodi Ambrose: Moises, I need you to be straight with me here. If I watch current AMC shows, which used to be included in my Dish Network package, thorough Amazon or another tv streaming outlet, I will now have to pay to view the shows. Please just give me a yes or no answer for clarity’s sake.
Moises: Not all of the shows have a charge. You will be prompted if there is charge on the show that you would like to view.
Jodi Ambrose: Do you know if Breaking Bad and Walking Dead have a charge?
Moises: I am not sure, but it is with itunes.
Jodi Ambrose: Okay, thank you. Please let whoever at dish network know that it’s a shame that you are removing programming from us, and yet still charging the same monthly prices and forcing us to pay money to another company for products that we used to get from you. I will now have to pay approximately $60 more a season to watch two shows that I used to have in my dish programming. What a ridiculous thing for dish network to do to its loyal customers.
Moises: Feel free to share your thoughts and concerns by e-mailing us at president@dish.com. We assure you that we will read every e-mail we receive.
Moises: Would there be anything else that I can assist you with?
Jodi Ambrose: Thanks for the email information. Have a wonderful day, Moises.

I’m telling you, things like this make me wanna sell almost everything I own and go live in a cabin in the woods taking pictures of furry critters for the rest of my days. It’s not that $60 is going to kill me. It’s that Dish Network is so sneaky and lying about it.

I know that Customer Service Reps have it difficult, I know it’s not their fault, and I don’t envy them their jobs, but I sure wish Dish would give them a better script to unload on us. Just tell me this, “Hey Jodi, we wanna make more money than we do now and we’re going to do that by reducing your services but not your monthly fees. We would like our executives and share holders to be able to buy that extra 10 feet of yacht. How do you expect them to survive with only 50 foot yachts? They might as well live in government housing. Poor bastards.”

Well, here’s my thought: KISS MY ASS!!! Or, in a gentler tone, “Kiss my grits!” (Those of you who are old as dirt like me will know what that is from!) :)


Celebrities are anathema to New Yorkers! Really?

Well, well, well…for ONCE (and I mean that sincerely) I’m not in 100% disagreement with the NY DOE and Mayor Dipshit.

Banned Word of the Day: Celebrities

Okay, so this is by far less egregious then “cancer” or “birthday” or “abuse” but how many tests in NY have questions like this:

Q: If Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt currently have 6 kids, but send 2 of them back, then add 9 more, how many children will these celebrities have?

A) 2

B) 8

C) Who gives a shit?

D) I can’t add because my teachers can’t teach me things that are relevant to my daily life.

Here’s my dilemma: while I think that encouraging the worship of celebrities is probably not particularly healthy as we cannot all be Angelina or Brad, I do think that whatever helps students learn things is a GOOD thing. If you are helping kids understand math and tie it to the Knicks, those kids who don’t care about basketball still learn the math. Those kids who do like basketball make a connection to the numbers and will likely learn it better and retain it longer.

I’m still sticking to my guns and think the list of banned words itself should be banned, but I’m not ready to set the DOE on fire just for this one. I’m sure tomorrow’s word will rekindle my pyromaniac tendencies. ;)

PS: The Brad pic is my gift to the ladies! :)