BOOK GIVEAWAY and other awesome stuff that makes me blush!

Hi! Wow, 2 post in 2 day–I must be feeling better. :) (Yep, 2 typos within the first 7 words–okay, maybe not feeling 100% better yet!)

Plus, this one is time sensitive. You guys know I write a monthly column for the Acquiring Man magazine. They just posted a book giveaway on Facebook for my Sex book and I wanted you guys to have a shot at it. If you are on Facebook, go like the post (for one entry into the drawing) or share it (for two entries).Acquiring Man Selfish Sexually

Speaking of the Acquiring Man magazine, my new article posted the other day. Go check it out. It’s a bit raunchy (shocking! I know!) but it’s funny too–all about the pitfalls of being a selfish lover. Yes, I talk about wanting to kill people. You know how I am!

Let’s see…other cool stuff going on.

Oh, I was on an awesome radio show yesterday. It was my 3rd or 4th time and we had a blast. It’s called Sex and Politics Radio and guess what we talked about? Yep, you got it. Otters. NOOOO! We dished about some great sex stuff, though I had to keep it kinda clean since it airs online and on broadcast radio. It was NOT easy, let me tell ya!  Give it a click HERE to listen.

I also awoke the other day to a wonderful surprise review of my book. Joey Pinkney is a best selling author and book reviewer and he surprised me with a review of my Intimacy book for the ladies. I was so tickled! Especially because I’m always nervous when a man reads it as it was written for chicks–but he gave it 5 stars. Yay! Click HERE to give it a read. :) Watch out though–he used my red haired pic, so if you haven’t seen me incognito like that before it may cause nightmares. Just warning you!

Last but not least, I realized that I hadn’t blogged about a wonderful woman who wrote the nicest reviews of my books on her blog. She blogs as: Ramblings from a Strange Woman… I Am Not Your Average Housewife!! I almost fainted with appreciation when I read these, so I wanted to say a very public THANK YOU to her and send all of you over there to follow her. She’s a total sweetheart!

Cookbook review.

Sex review (wait…something sounds naughty about that!).

Intimacy review.

Now, please don’t think I’m some kind of narcisstic lunatic for blogging about all these things. I promise you this is not me “Oooo Oooo Ooooing” like Horshack in Mr. Kotter’s class to get attention (google it youngins! or see below). This post is more a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to do something lovely for me. As you guys know, it humbles me that people would be so kind as to invite me onto their radio shows and write things about my books. It thrills me to my very toes, so THANK YOU to everyone who has been so wonderful to me. It is appreciated more than you know. MUCH LOVE!!!!

I like big words and I cannot lie! (But NOT if they make no sense, dammit!!!!)

.Big Bootie!

I’m shakin’ my ass all over the place now that the Big Butts song is stuck in my head!! ;)

Alas, I digress. Let’s get down to it!

Good grief. People drive me bonkers.

All of you guys know that I like to rant and fume about grammar, punctuation, word choice, etc… I find it fun (if not horribly hypocritical since I make mistakes all the time!) to throw fits over the ways that people speak and write. I’m a hideous person. I know.  ;)

I  also know that I like to occasionally use words that are longer than 6 letters. Not because they are longer than 6 letters, but because they fit with what I’m trying to say. I’m an old (stress the word old) English major, so I’ve read a bunch and know a fair amount of words.

BUT!!!! What I do NOT do is throw in 25 cent words to try and make myself sound smart because guess what? It doesn’t make anyone sound smart to use big words for the sole purpose of using big words and confusing people. It only makes the person speaking (or writing) look like an insecure asshat when they use words, especially buzz words, to sound all fancy.

This drives me insane: “I’m smarter than you because I said, ‘wheelhouse, out of the box and quorum’ all in one sentence! Don’t you feel dumb that you didn’t understand my sentence at all? You should, because I’m smart and use words in a way that no one gets because I’m brilliant and you are stupid.”

I swear, people who speak like that make me want to pull my hair out for several reasons. 1) Stop being a pompus ass! 2) You aren’t communicating effectively, you retarded moron 3) You are clearly incredibly insecure because you are trying to sound smart by confusing everyone with your idiotic words.

If no one understands you, then maybe you shouldn’t speak? What’cha think about that? I personally like that idea.

If you say this sentence, “I think we should meet on Friday to discuss the project,” like this, “I am in favor of uniting a quorum of individuals to address which artifacts should be discussed in our iterative meeting  based on the developmental progress of our deliverable on the last day of the work week,” I immediately want to kill you. And not just kill you, but KILL YOU kill you. Painfully. With malice. Some kind of medieval or Shakespearean kind of death.

Why oh why does anyone think they sound smart by speaking like that? Why? Help me understand. I don’t get it. It’s so annoying and frustrating and makes me feel sorry for you. I think to myself, “Awwww…that poor fucking idiot must feel so small and stupid that they think speaking like a research paper being graded on a per-word basis makes them sound smart.”

Sorry, I know that my filter removal is at an all-time high (especially the death threats) but I’m constantly surrounded by people who do that and it makes me want to jam pencils into my ears while screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

ScreamingOtter

Communication, effective communication, is all about speaking or writing in a way in which people are able to, wait for it… understand what you are saying. If you aren’t effectively communicating, then why bother speaking?

My heart goes out to people who are so insecure. I want to both shake the shit out of them and pat their little insecure heads and tell them it’ll all be okay.

Alrighty, I’m done. All these words have worn me out. I’m going mono-syllabic for the rest of the day. (Right!!) ;)

What a complete crock of sh*t! Dish Network can suck it!

I love it when big corporations just screw you blind in uncomfortable places and then ask you for a tip. ASSHATS!!!

I got an email today from Dish Network that was not particularly clear, so I stupidly thought I’d start a chat with their customer service. I should know better than to do such an idiotic thing.

This is how it went:

Chat

Moises: Hi, my name is Moises. How may I help you?
Jodi Ambrose: Hi Moises. I just received this email from Dish:
Jodi Ambrose:

Dear Jodi,

DISH will make sure you can still watch Breaking Bad, Hell on Wheels, and The Walking Dead. We have some very rewarding offers in place. Find out how to enjoy your shows on Amazon® and iTunes® on your computer or by streaming through your Xbox®, PlayStation®, Apple TV® or Roku®. Call today at 1-888-581-1972 to learn more. Thanks for being a valued DISH customer.

Jodi Ambrose: Does this mean that AMC will no longer be provide through my regular Dish service?
Moises: I’ll be more than willing to assist you with your concern.
Jodi Ambrose: Thank you
Moises: For security purposes, would you please verify the 4 digit Security Code on the account?
Jodi Ambrose: xxxx
Moises: For security purposes, would you please verify the last four digits of the Social Security Number on the account?
Jodi Ambrose: xxxx
Moises: Thank you. How are you today?
Jodi Ambrose: Fine
Jodi Ambrose: thanks
Moises: That’s nice to know.
Jodi Ambrose: All I need to know is if AMC will no longer be provided through my regular dish network service
Moises: DISH is committed to fighting on your behalf to provide you with the best programming and the lowest possible price. The channels AMC Networks forces us to deliver — WE, IFC and AMC — do not give our customers the best content at the best value. We have permanently removed them from the DISH line up as of June 30. We are open to a creative proposal from AMC Networks that would resolve this situation, but at this point it looks like the channels will be down permanently.
Jodi Ambrose: Based on the email that Dish sent, there are still ways we can view AMC. Do those options come through Dish Network or are they through other venders like Amazon, Roku, etc…
Moises: You can view that through your amazon and itunes.
Jodi Ambrose: At an additional cost, I imagine?
Moises: Not all. (Note what a HUGE LIE this is in the next few interactions.)
Jodi Ambrose: How will we view those shows through other outlets for free? Whenever I watch TV through Amazon, I have to pay 1.99 per episode.
Moises: AMC Networks has further devalued its programming by making its handful of popular shows available to consumers via iTunes, Netflix and Amazon.com. This means that AMC Networks wants us to pay many millions of dollars for content that is available to our subscribers the next day for just a couple of dollars.
Jodi Ambrose: So I will have to pay to watch these shows if I watch them on Amazon, itunes, etc…
Moises: Not all have of the episodes. (Wha? This makes no sense. I guess when not copying and pasting pre-written answers, the CSRs can’t formulate sentences on their own.)
Moises: Only some of the episodes that has a charge.
Jodi Ambrose: Moises, I need you to be straight with me here. If I watch current AMC shows, which used to be included in my Dish Network package, thorough Amazon or another tv streaming outlet, I will now have to pay to view the shows. Please just give me a yes or no answer for clarity’s sake.
Moises: Not all of the shows have a charge. You will be prompted if there is charge on the show that you would like to view.
Jodi Ambrose: Do you know if Breaking Bad and Walking Dead have a charge?
Moises: I am not sure, but it is with itunes.
Jodi Ambrose: Okay, thank you. Please let whoever at dish network know that it’s a shame that you are removing programming from us, and yet still charging the same monthly prices and forcing us to pay money to another company for products that we used to get from you. I will now have to pay approximately $60 more a season to watch two shows that I used to have in my dish programming. What a ridiculous thing for dish network to do to its loyal customers.
Moises: Feel free to share your thoughts and concerns by e-mailing us at president@dish.com. We assure you that we will read every e-mail we receive.
Moises: Would there be anything else that I can assist you with?
Jodi Ambrose: Thanks for the email information. Have a wonderful day, Moises.

I’m telling you, things like this make me wanna sell almost everything I own and go live in a cabin in the woods taking pictures of furry critters for the rest of my days. It’s not that $60 is going to kill me. It’s that Dish Network is so sneaky and lying about it.

I know that Customer Service Reps have it difficult, I know it’s not their fault, and I don’t envy them their jobs, but I sure wish Dish would give them a better script to unload on us. Just tell me this, “Hey Jodi, we wanna make more money than we do now and we’re going to do that by reducing your services but not your monthly fees. We would like our executives and share holders to be able to buy that extra 10 feet of yacht. How do you expect them to survive with only 50 foot yachts? They might as well live in government housing. Poor bastards.”

Well, here’s my thought: KISS MY ASS!!! Or, in a gentler tone, “Kiss my grits!” (Those of you who are old as dirt like me will know what that is from!) :)

 

Celebrities are anathema to New Yorkers! Really?

Well, well, well…for ONCE (and I mean that sincerely) I’m not in 100% disagreement with the NY DOE and Mayor Dipshit.

Banned Word of the Day: Celebrities

Okay, so this is by far less egregious then “cancer” or “birthday” or “abuse” but how many tests in NY have questions like this:

Q: If Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt currently have 6 kids, but send 2 of them back, then add 9 more, how many children will these celebrities have?

A) 2

B) 8

C) Who gives a shit?

D) I can’t add because my teachers can’t teach me things that are relevant to my daily life.

Here’s my dilemma: while I think that encouraging the worship of celebrities is probably not particularly healthy as we cannot all be Angelina or Brad, I do think that whatever helps students learn things is a GOOD thing. If you are helping kids understand math and tie it to the Knicks, those kids who don’t care about basketball still learn the math. Those kids who do like basketball make a connection to the numbers and will likely learn it better and retain it longer.

I’m still sticking to my guns and think the list of banned words itself should be banned, but I’m not ready to set the DOE on fire just for this one. I’m sure tomorrow’s word will rekindle my pyromaniac tendencies. ;)

PS: The Brad pic is my gift to the ladies! :)

Drunk unicorns? WTF?

People of Florida unite! No longer will your hurricanes be mentionable on tests in NY.

Japanese citizens, your tsunami is off limits to the children of NY.

New Orleans, I guess the levee didn’t break. At least according to NY.

You may have guessed it, but our Word(s) of the day are: Catastrophes/disasters (tsunamis and hurricanes)

From now on it will be sunshine, rainbows and unicorns for all of the children of NY as anything Mother Nature can dish up beyond that is off-limits.

I’m quite certain that NY is right about this one. If we simply deny the existence of hurricanes, tsunamis, tornadoes, etc…then they don’t exist, right? Were it only so simple.

NY, please stop being so friggin’ stupid as you are making my brain hurt.

In celebration of the moronic musings of the idiots on the NY DOE and the yellow-spine quality of the NY mayor, may I direct you to the best Southpark episode ever. Maybe they all should have watched this before writing their list. It may have given them the clarity to pull their heads out of their asses. ;)

If you are one of the 10 people who’ve never seen this episode, please watch. Just don’t eat while you watch. Later, you’ll understand why and thank me for the suggestion. :)

Southpark rules!

Unicorn pics sourced from this blog.

Horse’s Arse Award Appropriately Timed!

Well, well, well…I didn’t even realize that my “You are a ridiculous horse’s ass” word of the day is…drum roll please…cancer. What timing, seeing how I just got such good news about my aunt’s cancer today.

So, I guess the word “cancer” is too upsetting for kids to ever hear about. I mean, I’m sure they’ve never known anyone with cancer. I’m sure it wouldn’t be wise to teach them steps they can take to avoid cancer, like not smoking. Oh, wait, can’t discuss smoking either, so let’s throw that baby out with the bath water.

In a world where you can’t go to the grocery store without the secure knowledge that you will more than likely bump into at least one or two people with cancer while you are there buying bread, why on earth would we shelter kids from better understanding it? Cancer.org predicts that a bit over 20% of Americans die from cancer. So yeah, I guess a 1 in 5 figure is no reason to concern ourselves with ensuring our kids understand what causes and how to prevent cancer.

Have mercy, this list of forbidden words just gets sillier and sillier.

The kids book, “Everbody poops” is a LIE!

Well, at least according to the NY DOE and Mayor Duh.

Word of the day: Bodily functions

Honest to God, while I pretend that women don’t have any bodily functions other than breathing, I’m not so insane that I think in a SCHOOL, where children learn about the human body in science class (and under the bleachers, and in the locker room…) that there should be no mention of bodily functions on assessments. It’s ludicrous!

Every time I watch a TV show, I have to see some guy pee. Shrek is so full of bathroom humor that I can barely watch it. You guys know how I feel about bathroom issues. I posted 2 excerpts from my books that deal with keeping that stuff private. Clearly it’s not a topic of discussion in which I willing engage. But c’mon, is it REALLY so traumatizing for children to have a reference to the most natural thing in the world if they are taking a test regarding the human body?

Let’s see, the average person probably pees between 5-7 times a day? Does the “other” maybe once? (Ewwww!) So, it’s not like the schools would be bringing up a subject with which the students are unfamiliar. It’s not like they are testing kids on S&M practices in 8th grade.

Hats off to the NY DOE and Mayor “The Lobbyists Pay Me Well” to adding yet another absolutely stupid word/concept to their list of no-no words.  Maybe they think if we don’t talk about it, it won’t ever happen again. I give us all 2 days before we literally blow up.

Hey, maybe that is their problem! They are so FULL OF SHIT that they’d prefer the topic be taken off the table. Yep, makes sense to me. :)

Might I suggest this the next time they go to the invisible House of Poo to take care of business:

Birthday Ban! Just say no to birthdays. Wha???

Well, I can’t go slacking on my commentary related to the ridiculous list of NY DOE, Mayor-approved words that have been banned form use on NY tests administered in public schools.

Word of the day: Birthday

Yes, you read that correctly. You can no longer use the word “birthday” as certain religious groups find birthdays offensive and against God. Ummm…okay.

So, you’ll never again see a question like this:

“On Jacob’s birthday he received $5 from his mom. How many quarters total $5?”

A. I have no idea

B. What’s a birthday?

C. YOU HAVE OFFENDED ME WITH THE WORD BIRTHDAY AND I REFUSE TO ANSWER!

D. 2

Okay, I understand the separation of church and state and actually appreciate it in a lot of ways, but “birthday”?

A big part of learning is making connections between the content and the real world of the student. I guess NY begs to differ. Idiots.

Ugh, what else is there to say?

Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll NO MORE!

Well, that’s just bollocks!  That was my mantra for years! Okay, kinda kidding. I wasn’t come crazed nympho druggie running around backstage at concerts tearing off my shirt and bribing roadies for access to rock stars with sexual favors. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. We all have stages we go through and if that was one of yours, then I wanna hear ALL the stories! ;) There are no judgments here (well, except for my HUGE judgment towards the NY DOE and Mayor. That judging I’ll cop to.)

Today we are going to evaluate the next item on Mayor Butthead’s list of words that are forbidden on tests in New York. Ugh. Every time I write that I wanna throw something.

Word(s) of the day: Alcohol, Tobacco and Drugs

I’m not sure why these words aren’t allowed. After all, kids/teenagers don’t know what any of that stuff is anyway because those things are illegal for them at that age and therefore don’t exist. I’d imagine if they heard any of those words they would think someone was speaking a foreign language. “Wha? What’d you say? I don’t know what those words mean.”

It is beyond ludicrous to hide these words in the back of a dark closet. WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN that stuffing away things they consider to be unpleasant only makes matters worse? A LACK of education is the breeding ground for ignorance, intolerance and abuse (oh shit, “abuse” was yesterday’s word and is forbidden…going to hell again today, I guess.)

New York DOE and Mayor Dumbass, let me assure you that it’s likely your kindergarteners know what alcohol, tobacco and drugs are. Most certainly your 3rd graders do. And your 6th graders have likely tried at least one of them. Might it not be prudent to educate them on the risks involved in using them rather than removing any trace of them because they might get a kid all juiced up and wanting to go on a binge? Trust me, if they want to do that, they will. You removing those words from tests doesn’t make life more pleasant for kids. It doesn’t keep them off drugs/booze/cigs. It is, yet again, ridiculous and offensive.

I suggest coming down off your high horse, no longer allowing yourself to be bullied by political pressure and lobbyists, and doing something of ACTUAL value. You know, pay your teachers more. What a novel idea. Improve the quality of food that growing kids buy at the cafeteria. What CRAZY thoughts!!!

Okay, tirade over for the day. Actually, I find this quite fun, in case you can’t tell. What a bunch of dullards. ;)

Sh*t! F^&k! Da#N! Whoops, going to jail in NY.

Okay, I usually avoid politics like the plague as I wouldn’t trust any of them to care for my hamster for an hour, but I’m so excited about something that I’m going to blog about it on a regular basis. I’m thinking one word a day off the list of 50 words that Mayor Butthead in NY has deemed detrimental to students and has thus banned their use on tests in schools.

I’m going to go alphabetically or I’ll never remember what words I’ve already used. Probably a leftover brain issue from my upbringing in public schools that would DARE to use any of these words (I’m hoping you heard the sarcasm dripping off of those words!)

Word of the Day: Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological)

Eeee gawds! We should certainly NEVER use such a word around children until they are 18 years of age. You know, about the time they can go off and fight wars. (Oh wait, can’t use the word “war” anymore. I’m going to Hell.) I mean, isn’t abuse something we should play ostrich about? We’d never want kids to think abuse of any kind ever happens, anywhere. It’s a shame they didn’t include “Abuse of Power” as Mayor Butthead clearly understands this one spectacularly.

It has been a hard-fought battle and one that hasn’t been won yet, to try and get people, especially kids, to speak up when abuse is taking place. But God forbid that word be used on a test.  It would rattle the fabric of our society. It’s such a better idea to not use that word so that we can all pretend it doesn’t happen.

My hats off to the Mayor for dropping to his knees in the midst of political pressure and well-funded lobbyists. Congrats for getting my Candy Ass of the Year award. (I know my pic says “Horse’s Ass” but I LOVE the term Candy Ass. It makes me giggle.)

PS: For those of you out there who are religious and think that I’m hideous for saying such things I want you to know that I too am a Christian. But I do not believe that banning the words he has banned helps anyone, least of all the children. The list (which I’ll post one a day from) pretends a Utopia that does not exist here on Earth. I find it offensive, overly-PC and ridiculous. Instead, why not spend the time and money fixing things that need to be fixed? The money alone it will take to rewrite all of the tests could feed a small city.