One of my FAVORITE Christmas presents ever!

Meet Dicknose!

My Friend Dicknose

Is that the most insane looking teddy bear you’ve ever seen?

My mom shrieked with both horror and delight when she saw it.

She said, “Only you would immediately fall in love with a dick teddy.” Which made me crack the fuck up. I love my sassy 75 year old mommy. :)

Grant gave this to me as he knows I love both cute, adorable, plush teddies and the defective, unlovable (except by me), deformed, mutant teddies.

Believe it or not, Dicknose is based off of a real creature.

Trust me when I say you do NOT want to see it. You’ll vomit. You’ll never want to eat any kind of any thing that comes out of the water ever again.

But, you may want to go to your local sex shop and rent a hooker or buy an “appendage” for entertainment.

Again, don’t do it, but click here if you want to see the thing this teddy is based on. View at your own risk! ;)

PS: Woo hoo! This is my 200th post! :) Thanks for reading all of my insanity! ;)

What the Hell? It’s Spring Fever up in here! ;)

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I promise that I am not setting these pics up.

I know that seems impossible.

Alas, it is true.

I come into a room and voila, this is what I see.

I have to wonder if they are sentient and doing shit while my head is turned.

Or maybe it’s the kitties sneaking around, setting them up and being all naughty and perverse.

Either way, may you enjoy the filth that goes on in my house on a daily basis. ;)

I walk in to go to bed and what do I find? Daisy is a naughty little cowie!

Daisy and Otter

This scene greeted me last night at 3am.

Eve is going to town on sweet, innocent little W.A.L.L.E. Good grief!

WALLE and Eve

This one is just fucked up! She looks ridden hard and put away filthy! If I was as flexible as Lambchop, I’d never leave the house!

Lambchop

By the way, my latest article came out at Acquiring Man magazine. It tells you all about the perfect gift (for free!) for your hot mama this holiday season. Check it out here. :) XOXO

Here’s a little teaser pic for what you can expect. ;)

Naughty Balls

Oh yeah…it’s NOOKIE-TIME!

Yep…it’s that time again. My latest yarn on all things nookie related is out, about and ready to be read by all you perverts out there. ;) Kidding! Well, it is ready to read, but you don’t have to be a pervert (though I KNOW most of you are!) Feel free to pop on over the The Acquiring Man magazine for my monthly column.

Acquiring Man Oct Article

Beyond me trying to help you get some knickers on the floor, let’s see what else is going on around here while I’m plagued with insomnia.

Things I was thinking about last night while laying in bed begging God (and sleeping pills) to help me sleep:

  1. If I don’t stop thinking about work I’m going to hang myself. (Yeah…kept thinking about work for a while…and then these thoughts came and distracted me.)
  2. Why can’t I have two otters in the pool in the backyard? That would make my life complete.
  3. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why God made oil, butter, cream, cheese and Italian deli meats so fattening? Why can’t it all be healthy like broccoli? Was it just to test us? Ugh!
  4. I wonder if my teddy bears talk and run around while I’m gone? I sometimes come home and they’ve moved–how can that happen? Are the kitties playing with them?
  5. I wonder just how much information my hamster’s brain actually processes. Ahhh…to be a hamster for one minute.
  6. What am I going to wear to my class reunion in a couple of weeks? I hate my clothes!
  7. Crap…gotta get my hair dyed as NOW I HAVE FUCKING GRAY HAIRS! (Okay, gray hair–singular, but still.)
  8. Maybe I’ll head to Macy’s and see if I can find something pretty to wear. Man, I hate shopping.
  9. I wish Clark Color would put their wall art on sale again. I’m NOT paying full price. Nope, not gonna happen.
  10. I hope my sister likes all her insane birthday presents.
  11. Why have so many people stopped pronouncing consonants in words? It’s not “di’in’t” it’s fucking “diDn’t.” Kill me.
  12. UFFF! Cat jumped dead center onto my left boob. OUCH!
  13. I wonder if the cat does that shit on purpose? I may have to kill her.
  14. Dammit, now I’m never going to go to sleep–cat scratch on nip.
  15. I love FrootLoops. I want some right now. (So, I go get a dry bowl of them…)
  16. Shit…the crunching is waking up the man. Gotta let them soak in my mouth til mushy, then chew. Eww…not so good. (Went and sat in the floor in the hall to finish eating them.)

Yep, those are my 3am ramblings. Sorry you had to suffer through them too!!

Have a great weekend. I’ve been on my computer for about 70 hours this week and I have to put it down for at least a few hours or I’m going to become unpleasant. XOXOXO

 

First: Stripper Smell. Next: Clean Floors. Now: Kissable Lips!

Rarely do I suggest products on this blog, but sometimes something is just too good to not share with you!

First it was how to smell like stripper. Who doesn’t want to smell like some hot chick on a stage?

Then it was the perfect $50 vacuum for hard floors–no carpets allowed.

Now it’s how to have the world’s softest and most kissable lips!

Living in the 4,000,000 degree hell that I do, my lips get all dry and icky sometimes. Especially in the summer. But I’ve found a cure! Woo hoo!

I went from this:

Lizard

To this:

Lipswith the swipe of a little bit of lip balm.

For $9.00 I now have the softest dang lips on earth. And, the corners of my mouth aren’t splitting any more.

I’d tried everything. Neosporin, Vaseline, Chapstick, Burts Bees. You name it, I’d tried it. And I was fed up! Stupid non-working crap. So I did a ton of research on medical sites, chick sites, blogs, etc…and this one from kiehls.com got a top vote often enough that I thought I’d give it a shot. Within 10 minutes my lips felt better and when I woke up the next day they were smooth as a baby’s butt. This stuff is awesome! I got the mango favored one and it smells so yummy. It costs $9.00, which seems like a lot but isn’t because IT ACTUALLY WORKS! I’ve cumulatively spent a hell of a lot more than that trying to find something that doesn’t suck, so I’m happy to pay 9 bucks. I think the unflavored one is only $7.00.

Teddies and Lip Balm

Hi! We are two of the Doppel Teddies! We love Mommy’s new lip balm.

I have no clue if it’s sold in stores; I ordered mine from kiehls.com. They have unscented or you can pick from 6 scents. They have an SPF one. They also have one in a tube that looks like Chapstick that isn’t glossy (for you boys who don’t want to have shiny, delicious, just-glossed-looking lips). The only one I’ve tried is the Mango one and it is a miracle worker.

I just thought I’d share this with you as I’m sure that while this is a summertime problem for me (as it was 116 degrees yesterday and dry as fuck), I’d imagine others of you have this problem in the Winter. Now you can be prepared.

So there. I’ve done my good deed for the day. :) Hope you’ve had a great weekend. Damn things are always way too short!

Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday, part deux

So, I went back and reread my Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday, part one from last year and I must say that it all still holds true.

For those of you new to my blog since June of last year, you can read it here: OLD HAG. I really hope you enjoy it and/or identify with it because I have to tell you that I’m happier in my 40s than I’ve ever been before and it’ll tell you exactly why.

As I don’t want to repeat what I said last year I’m going to list a few things that I’ve learned and a few things for which I am thankful.

Things for which I’m thankful:

  1. I have a loving family who always makes me feel special
  2. My husband kicks so much ass that it hurts my brain sometimes
  3. I have wonderful blogging buddies that add so very much to my life
  4. My 2nd toe is shorter than my big toe and that makes me very happy
  5. I’ve added about 15 new teddy bears to the Sofa Teddy collection and I have fun with them all the time
  6. Getting emails from people who’ve been helped by my sassy mouth–such a wonderful feeling
  7. I’ve managed to stay a non-smoker for approximately 6 months, 13 days and 2 hours (not that I’m counting)
  8. I’ve managed to only gain 8 pounds since I quit–really, that sucks, but it could have been 20, so I can’t complain
  9. I’m healthier since meeting the hubby than I’ve ever been in my life and he loves me even if I’m covered in scars from head to toe
  10. I still think that aging gracefully is a wonderful thing

Things I’ve learned:

I recently went back home for a visit (last week) and while I was there I saw two old friends who are so very dear to my heart. One I’ve known for 29 years. The other I’ve known for 22. Both of them have made such a great impact in my life–I wouldn’t be who I am today without either of them. One taught me what true friendship is. One taught me when to cut and run, how to heal and how to forgive. It was really quite emotional being back there, but I’m so thankful I went. Here’s what I’ve learned over the the last half of my life from knowing those two people:

  1. Friendship doesn’t need to be constantly reminded of itself. True friends can go years without seeing one another and then fall back into place like only a day has passed in the meantime.
  2. Friendship isn’t full of bullshit and fear. True friends love you enough to risk telling you when you are being a dumb ass and are loyal enough to hold your hand through the worst and best of times.
  3. Bravery is a beautiful thing, even if it means facing something you worry will cause you great pain. There is something about just the facing of it that can give you such great relief.
  4. Faithfulness and loyalty are the greatest gift you can give the one you love AND the greatest gift you can give yourself. Being able to look in the mirror in the morning and not shudder from disappointment in yourself is truly a blessing.
  5. Separating your heart from your mind and saying, “Enough is enough” is a skill that I’m so very happy to have, even if it is a bitch to put into practice.
  6. I have so much room in my heart for love that it astonishes me sometimes. Often I worry that I’m a little bit hard–things that make others cry often don’t really affect me. But I think that what it really is, is that I love those close to me so very deeply and completely that there isn’t a great deal of room left. That may sound bad, but I mean it in a good way. I love fully and with abandon. I don’t love with fear. I don’t love with regret. I love openly and I’m so very happy and thankful for that.
  7. And finally, forgiveness is truly the most glorious of all human abilities. It may take 10 minutes or 20 years, but forgiving yourself for your own mistakes (be they intentional or not) and forgiving others who have harmed you (again, whether or not they intentionally harmed you) will not only make the world a bit brighter, but will reduce the ache of that pain at least down to a very tiny pin prick, if not remove it completely.

As you can see, these two old friends have helped me achieve the beautiful life I have now and I thank God every day that they not only came into my life, but that they stayed.

On an entirely different note: Did I go an entire post without using the word “fuck”? Holy crap!  ;)

Last but not least, here is a pic of my Mommy and me last week at the beach. I’m 5 days shy of being 43 in this pic and my mom is 74. We both embrace our age, though we also both still feel 22 (and often act it too!). I am most grateful that my mom is not only still around, but that she is for the most part happy and healthy. She is a true gift from God and I’m forever thankful to have her.

Mom and me at the beach

How the Hubby and I Cope with Missing Each Other When He’s out of Town.

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Meet Tick Teddy. Tick Teddy is one bad ass mo fo who takes no guff offa anyone. At the same time, he is a sweet little creature and even though he looks like a bloated, blood-filled tick, we love him all the same.

Tick Teddy is very blessed and gets to fly around the world with Daddy on his travels. Tick Teddy has been everywhere. This week he’s in Vancouver, BC and lovin’ life. Actually, I think he may be partying a bit much, but he can take it. Like I said, he’s bad ass.

So, today I get a picture of Tick doing his thing with a little commentary to go along with it. This is how the conversation ensued.

Tick Teddy gettin' his spin on!

Tick Teddy gettin’ his spin on!

Email from Tick Teddy to Mommy:

Oh …daddy told me that you are a piece of ass…what does that mean?

Email from Mommy to Tick Teddy:

Tick Teddy…I think it’s time we had “the talk.”

Daddy is what is known as a perverted stinker. Perverted stinkers like to grab hold of sweet, angelic little girls (like Mommy) and defile them with their joysticks. In order for perverted stinkers like Daddy to want to take advantage of that doe-like innocence, the girl must first be, as Daddy said, “a piece of ass.” Otherwise, Daddy’s joystick isn’t so full of joy.

Now, go kick Daddy for making me corrupt you like this at your sweet and tender age. Oh, and while he’s curled up in the floor crying from your swift kick, tell him Mommy loves him. It’s good to measure out both pleasure and pain at the same time–but that discussion is for another day.

Mommy loves you, Tick Teddy!

Yep, that’s how we do it in the Ambrose house. :)

Things for which I’m forever thankful…

 

My goodness. Where to even begin?

First and foremost, I hope all of you are having a wonderful Thanksgiving. While family can sometimes make us wanna go sit in the garage with the door closed and the car running, I hope that none of you have that feeling today. May all of your friends and family take their happy pills so that everyone has a delightful day. :)

I think this was 1979. Check out that wallpaper!
Mmmm…yummies!

Now, on to my list of blessings for which I truly am grateful.

  1. I am blessed to have the world’s most amazing mom. At almost 74 she is still peppy and fun and healthy and sweet. May she live another 50 years.
  2. I am blessed to have a wonderful sister. We may have pulled each others hair more than once while growing up, but we’ve always been there for one another through the years and I’m so very thankful to have her as not only my sister, but as my friend.
  3. I am blessed to have my aunt still with us even though she has been fighting stage 4 cancer for the last year. Her courage is simply amazing and God has blessed her with more time than we ever could have hoped for.
  4. I am blessed to have married the most wonderful man on earth. He is kind every day. He shows his love for me every day. He is encouraging, supportive, thoughtful, has amazing biceps and a smile that lights the world.
  5. I am blessed to have 2 awesome kitties (one of whom is licking my arm right now), 2 precious chickens and an old ass hamster that is somehow still amongst the living.
  6. I am blessed to have survived many a physical challenge and am still around to annoy and pester people on a regular basis.
  7. I am blessed to have been raised in a way that gives me peace every day of my life. Thank you, Mom, for helping me see how wonderful God is (I know–shocking coming from someone with a potty mouth like me!).
  8. I am blessed to have been raised to be strong, independent, kind, smart-assed (Mom does NOT want to take credit for that last one!) and cheerful.
  9. I am blessed to have friends that put up with me. I hibernate often and hate the phone more than chicken pox, and my true friends understand that my hibernation does not spring from a lack of love. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.
  10. I am blessed that God gave me a brain with which to think, a voice with which to speak and fingers that can fly over a keyboard with only a few typos per minute.
  11. I am blessed that I have a day job which allows me to help kids become better readers and understand math in a way that I never did. A little giving back is a good thing.
  12. I am blessed to have a life that is more satisfying and wonderful and deliriously happy than I ever thought possible.

Beyond all of that, there are just a few other things for which I’m thankful.

  1. I am thankful that I have cute toes and don’t have some giant piggy-that-stayed-home finger-length-toe that is an inch longer than my big toe.
  2. I am thankful that I have a billion teddy bears that my hubby loves and makes sing and dance and talk (and hump sometimes–it’s gross but funny as hell).
  3. I am thankful that I have almost no hair on my legs–man, shaving those suckers always sucked. Now it’s not really an issue. Whew!
  4. I am thankful that my hubby lets me decorate the house. If I had to argue about what to buy every time I wanted to buy something, I’d pull my hair out and/or kill him with a hammer.
  5. I am thankful that my books are doing so well (you guys have helped with that tremendously and I love you for it!!!).
  6. I am thankful for all of our outdoor kitties that have adopted us. I love all of them: Extra cat, Little gray kitty, Vest kitty, Mittens kitty…
  7. I am thankful that my friend Brenda introduced me to the “F” word when I was in 4th grade. I simply love that word, as you all well know!

Last but not least, I am thankful for all of my wonderful blogging buddies. You guys always bring me such joy and your comments and support and sweetness mean so much to me. Tons of love to all of you and may your lives be blessed every day and may you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and holiday season.

HUGS!!!

PS: For those of you who read my sweet potato blog, the foil container in front of the cans of soda contains the Salmonella turkey leg that just about killed us all. We just tried to cook a leg, not even a whole turkey, and about died. Oh, and we were, well…ummm…not of sound mind while cooking (as you can tell by my very screwed up looking face) so it’s no wonder food poisoning was also on the menu! :)

Yep, I’m a little “goofy” in this pic. Where are my eyes??
Shockingly, I used to be quite naughty. :)

 

 

Sesame Street Sham! My Childhood Memories are Shattered!

What is this critter with Big Bird called?

Sound it out slowly. How would you spell it?

My whole life he’s been the Snuffaluffagus. ALL Fs, mo fo. ALL Fs!!!! Well, wasn’t I horrified when I found out he’s the Snuffleupagus. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??? It’s a travesty, that’s what it is. There ain’t no Ps in his name. That’s just wrong.

He will forever in my heart be the Snuffaluffagus. Period.

Okay, that was a weird post. :) It was just one of those things where I’m like…wha??? Wha??? P? Really? Yeah, I’m going to shut up now.

HUGS from a fruitcake!

 

Utterly Random Babbling from a Fruitcake

Actually, I don’t like fruitcake. I do like banana nut bread though. Mmmmm…banana nut bread. Now I want some. I do think I’m going to make some funnel cakes this weekend. Talk about yummy and SO healthy!! ;) Lord, my ass grew 3 inches just thinking about funnel cake. :)

Since a bunch of you have asked where I ran off to last week and why I haven’t been around its because the hubby and I went to visit his family last week in Minnesota. The weather was AWESOME! Nice and cool and cloudy and the trees were so colorful. It was just beautiful. Why someone like me, who hates heat and the awful torturer known as the sun, lives in AZ is beyond me. I’m not bright, I guess.

Okay, so for my rambling thoughts (and they are rambles, let me warn you!! As a matter of fact, no one should even read this. Run from your computer now!!!).

  1. People who are dickfaces can suck it. How’s that as a start? ;) I say this because in the last couple of weeks I ran up against a dickface. (Ooohhh, that sounds dirty…) I try to never surround myself with such people because my normally agreeable, fairly sweet self gets stuffed into a jar and the “Don’t fuck with me or I’ll cut you” side of me comes bubbling out. For example, back when I used to party in Scottsdale some of the funnest times I had were slowly disassembling cocky assholes at bars until they were fetal and crying for mommy. I just can’t take it when a guy comes up and essentially says, “I’m the shit (ummmm…no). I’m hot (they rarely are). I’m rich (they never are). I’m drive a fancy car (leased and paid for by them and their 9 roommates). I only like girls with fake tits (mine are real, douchebag). I don’t like girls with opinions (as that means you have to actually think to have a proper conversation). I’ll buy you a drink, but expect head as a thank you (on this they are never kidding). Everyone loves me–I know you do too (not in your wildest dreams, mo fo).” While I’m sure a better person than me would just blow them off, every one and I while I get a little hot in the blood and have to verbally throw down until my opponent is decimated. I know this makes me a bad person (it doesn’t happen that often!) but I just cannot suffer fools and people who behave like that just fuel my fire. I know there is the female equivalent to my bar guy, so gentlemen don’t think I don’t understand that chicks can be just as annoying. :)
  2. If you are not happy with your life, change it. I know this is WAY easier said than done. I know there is no magic wand that we can just wave and BING! we’re rich, happy, healthy and built like a brick shit house. But there are things one can do to make life a little happier. All this constant sulking and blaming and whining and blah blah blah is so pointless. Don’t get me wrong. I occasionally sulk and whine. Everyone gets to do that every once and a while. But to just live life like that is a waste. First step to a happier life? Cut the people who make you want to kill things out of your life. If you can’t stand them or they make you unhappy, choose to not be around them. If they don’t like that, tough shit. They need to be nicer or then can go screw.
  3. I need a ranch. Yep. One of these days, I’m going to have a ranch with chickens and goats. I want the little pygmy goats that are black and white and look like cow-goats. Then they’ll also look like my Moopy kitty. I’ll have a Moopy Cat and Moopy Goats. Ahhh…sounds like heaven.
  4. While I love traveling in first class, there shouldn’t be one. I got Grant and myself an upgrade on the way to Minnesota and it was HEAVEN!!! You can see how much we enjoyed it by the pic. Even the teddies were in heaven. Yes, we travel with teddies. But I digress. If they could just give everyone a speck more room and treat everyone with a little more dignity, then we could ALL be happier on a plane. I understand they can’t give out free food and drinks to a plane full of people. They’d go bankrupt. But if we could just get a little more space and not (in most, but not all, cases) be treated like a chore, then those sitting in coach may not want to burn down all of first class.

    Tick Teddy and Dopple Bear having the time of their lives! DRUNKS!!

  5. I miss my furries when I’m away from them. I guess this is how people with kids must feel when they are away from the kiddos for an extended period of time. I wanted my little kitties in my lap while I was out of town. I missed their stupid retardedness so much. I love me a FuzzyButt and Moopers. :)
  6. I”m never happier than when I’m at a zoo with my honeypie. :) That one kinda speaks for itself.

    Grant and me on our 5 year 1st date anniversary. :)

  7. I’m going to be a photographer at a wedding in 2 weeks. Woo Hoo! I’m terrified that I’ll fuck it all up, but deep down I know I won’t. I usually take pretty darn good pictures, so hopefully I won’t go blind between now and then. A friend of mine has been with her guy for 17 years (and she’s only like 35!) and they are finally tying the knot. Can you see why I’d be scared to death to have that responsibility? But I figure if I take 2000 pics, I can find at least 10 that’ll be presentable. Keep your fingers crossed, please!! :)
  8. Quartz countertops stain. DON’T BELIEVE ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THEY DON’T!!! Liars!!! We just redid our kitchen and when deciding on a countertop I told the lady that we needed something that wouldn’t stain. I was willing to get a super-dark counter (even though the white is so pretty and clean looking) if it meant that it would be worry free. The LIAR told me that I could let coffee and red wine sit on the white quartz for 2 years and it wouldn’t stain. Ummmm…NOT TRUE! My brand new, expensive countertop SUCKS. The countertop inspector guy is coming over in an hour to look at it. I can only hope he can figure something out because if I have to sue Home Depot, I will.
  9. I have THE best Mommy ever!The more I hear people’s stories, and see first hand, what other people have had to deal with when they have moms that aren’t so sweet and loving, I appreciate my mommy more and more. I’m pretty sure my mom has never said an unkind word to me in my entire life. My mom is a sweet little Southern Baptist and when I was in my teens I dressed like a street whore and listened to AC/DC. She never once made me feel judged or unloved. Ultimately, I was a pretty good girl. Yeah, I drank my share and may have puffed off of a few things that burned, but I was always a nice kid and never got into really bad things. I mean, I never went to school, but I ended up pretty well in terms of education. Through all of this, my mom never criticized me. Don’t get me wrong, she was tough. We couldn’t cuss (can you IMAGINE????). We had ridiculously early curfews and got severely grounded if we were late. She didn’t put up with any backtalk or any bullshit, but she understood that we were individuals, so she let us fly high our freak flags. :) God bless a good mommy.

    Yep, that’s me 100 years ago with a can of Busch beer and no, that is not cigarette smoke in the air.

    Okay, I’ve got to go get ready for the kitchen inspector. If you actually stayed the course and read this tome, bless your heart. I was just having Random Thought Friday and thought I’d share. :) Have a great weekend, everyone! :) XOXO

    PS: I know “countertop” is two words, but it should be one word, so I took a stand! ;)

Because I wanna! I LOVE OWLIES!!!

Okay, so I’ve been a ranting lunatic lately. I know, I know. In an effort to not seem like I’ve gone completely bonkers, I’m going to do a sweet post about furry things that I like.

I didn’t take any of these pics, I procured them from around the web (hope that’s okay!). But they were just so adorable and made me smile, so I thought I’d share them with you. All these little furry baby owlies remind me of the picture of the furry chicken I took and posted several months ago. You guys remember him? It was hard to even tell he was a chicken. I love him.

Enjoy the cuteness!

No, oscifer. I haven’t had anything to drink today. (Hiccup!)

Please don’t turn the oven on! I’ll be good from now on!

 

It wasn’t me. I didn’t do it. I swear.
How could something as tiny and precious as me have done that?
Love me?

 

What the hell IS that thing?
I can’t even tell if it’s real or a teddy bear. :)

I am so damn cute. You know I am. At first I hated my human for putting me in a hat.
An owl in a hat? What the hell? But then I looked in the mirror and yeah, I’m freaking adorable. Oh, and look at my tootsies. Tell me you’ve ever seen anything more edible? Nope, no you can’t.

Yes, minions. Bow before the Great and Powerful Owlie!
RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Yep, me and all my furry awesomeness are better than you will ever be!

Awwww…man. I am one hit too high.
Me too. Where are we? Wait. Did you say just say somethin’?

I hope you enjoyed Owlie Adventures! I wanna eat them all (in a non-eaty way of course)!!