YOUR PORN is getting on MY NERVES! ;)

Okay, fellow business travellers…I know you are away from home. You miss the wifey (or the hubby). You are lonely , bored at the hotel, and in need of some serious girl-on-girl action, but your porn watching makes my enjoyment of Rookie Blue, Season 4 on Amazon Streaming Video next to impossible!! ;)

I can be watching my shows with great HD quality, little-to-no buffering and be having a dandy ole time until PORN HOUR hits! Then it all goes to hell in a handbag. I guess it’s that sweet spot between dinner and going to bed when every man (and I guess some chicks) in the hotel logs onto their favorite skin site and now I can’t watch my dang show.

Can you please just download some good spankbank material to your local drive so that you don’t have to view it streaming? Pretty please? I simply cannot watch TV with commercials in it anymore so the TV hanging on the wall is essentially useless and I have to depend on Netflix or Amazon for commercial-free bliss. Help a sister out here? ;)

Yeah, yeah, I’m horrible and selfish!!! I know you need your porn. BufferingBut can you maybe do it in the morning (you KNOW your morning wood demands it!) instead of at night so the rest of us can watch a TV show online without staring at a buffering indicator for 20 minutes? ;)

(In all seriousness, I’m kidding. :) I just crack up when all of a sudden the Wi-fi takes a huge hit at about the same time each night. I picture every other room in the hotel being filled with wildly whacking wankers and it makes me giggle.)

HUGS!

duck

Ma! Hey Ma! Lookit me! I made a new page!

Yeah, I’m a dork.

But I made a new page and wanted to let you guys know.

It’s the Fun Videos page and has my WGN-TV cooking segment and a promo video for each book.

Just wanted to get the word out so you could waste a few minutes of your life that no matter how hard you try you can never get back. ;)

XOXOXO

PS: I’m quite certain this is the shortest post I’ve ever written or will ever write! Aren’t you lucky today!?

Here’s a cute picture for your viewing pleasure:

furry critter

Upcoming post and KICK ASS COOKBOOK REVIEW!!!

Okay, so I’m halfway through writing my new post–dedicated to online dating–and I get an email about a blog post reviewing my cookbook, Darn Good Eats. I’m so freaking excited about this review that I saved my online dating post into MS Word (cause you KNOW how easy it is to lose a post on WordPress by accident) and had to do a quick post sending you to her page. She not only blogged her review, but put it up on Amazon and Goodreads. I’m all verklempt!! What a sweetheart.

Big thanks to all of you guys who are posting reviews for the books. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart!!! I’m so thankful I busted out with the colors! I want to marry each of you! Wow, that’s illegal and makes me sound like a tramp. ;)

Okay, I’ll shut up now and give you the link to check out her blog: Book Review Blog (this lovely lady does not mess around with her reviews–crazy amounts of detail–it’s like a thesis!)

I’ll get back to my online dating blog (for those of you in the dating world, I think you’ll enjoy it) tonight or tomorrow.

Big hug to you all! Have a great night!

Book Cover Small

Shortest Post Ever: Things I’ve Learned Today

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  1. I am NOT OLD, dammit, but I barely knew ONE FRIGGIN’ song being sung on American Idol the last two nights. What the hell is going on here? Is there a conspiracy to make me feel out of touch with what the kids are up to these days? Oh God. I said, “the kids.” Okay. I’m old.
  2. American Idol is better when you have 2 things: 1) Frozen chocolate icing on a spoon 2) A fast-forward button.
  3. I am lazier than I thought as I have remote controls on half the lights in my house so I don’t have to move to turn one on or off.
  4. Then again, I’m not particularly lazy as I do bust my butt doing a million things a day. Okay, I’m lazy about lights. I can live with that. Oh, and dishes too. And washing the sheets. And vacuuming. Okay, kinda lazy.
  5. I truly love my doppelganger, crazy as a shit-house rat hamster. She is truly entertaining and nutso cuckoo.
  6. I dislike stepping in cat puke. Did it twice today in bare feet. Ick. I wiped it off with a paper towel and then used anti-bacterial wash from Bath & Body Works. Think that was good enough?

Oh, and I found one of those age progression sites where they’ll take a pic of you and turn you into an old lady. Here’s what my old ass probably looks like to those teeny boppers singing all those songs that I’ve never heard of before.

Jodi as an old broad

Okay, that’s it for What Jodi Learned (or Pondered) Today. :)

I hope you are all having a lovely night.

Picture copyright Denis Cox, illustrationsof.com

In Honor of a No Profanity Law, I Hereby Declare Myself a Soon-to-be-Jailbird Mo Fo

So, I’m watching a show called Beyond Scared Straight (I know…I know…feel free to judge) and the youth offenders in this episode are particularly foul mouthed. Towards the end of the show one of the prison guards informs the mouthy young ladies that public cussing in that state is punishable by a fine of $1,092.50 or 30 days in jail.  WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL???? I’d be spending the rest of my life in lock up if that was the case here in AZ.  After hearing this crazy statement, I had to look it up and alas, it’s true! I’m removing the name of the state from the bill amendment because I’m quite fond of this state and its inhabitants and don’t want anyone to think I’m saying anything bad about it. After all, all states have crazy laws, but usually they are left over from the 1950s and no one has taken the time to remove them. This one about public cussing is from the last few years. Shocking!

Before I share the bill with you, you know I always like to point the finger at myself first, or in this case at my own state. So here are some insanely whackadoo laws in AZ and my thoughts on them.

  1. Donkeys can not sleep in bathtubs. (Well, shit. I guess there’s enough room in the bed. Donkey show, anyone?)
  2. It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine. (Ummm…wha? What is considered imitation coke? Baby powder? If so, Johnson & Johnson is fucked.)
  3. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. (This has to be because we live in Satan’s backyard. I have my damn A/C on right now it’s so warm. But seriously??? Illegal? What if I want the person to die from dehydration?)
  4. No more than six girls may live in any house. (Sorry guys. There go all of your college girl pillow fight fantasies.)
  5. You may not have more than two dildos in a house. (Well, if there are 5 girls living in a house, since 6 is illegal, I’d say this limit of 2 fake-man-junk-devices is being violated every moment of every day by every household across the state.)
  6. Women may not wear pants. (Okay guys, you may not be able to have 6 chicks in nighties wrestling around on a bed in AZ lest they face prison time, but you can rest assured that the 5 that do live together and wrestle playfully will be naked from the waist down!)

Yep, I’m pretty sure I’ve now heard it all. Well, except for the fairly new cussing law.

Here’s the bill:

“TO AMEND THE CODE OF LAWS OF SOME UNNAMED STATE 1976, BY ADDING SECTION 16-15-370 SO AS TO MAKE IT UNLAWFUL TO COMMUNICATE PROFANITY IN A PUBLIC FORUM OR PLACE OF PUBLIC ACCOMMODATION.

Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the State of Unnamed State:

SECTION    1.    Article 3, Chapter 15, Title 16 of the 1976 Code is amended by adding:

“Section 16-15-370.    (A)    It is unlawful for a person in a public forum or place of public accommodation wilfully (yes, they spelled willfully wrong in a legal bill!!) and knowingly to publish orally or in writing, exhibit, or otherwise make available material containing words, language, or actions of a profane, vulgar, lewd, lascivious, or indecent nature.

(B)    A person who violates the provisions of this section is guilty of a felony and, upon conviction, must be fined not more than five thousand dollars or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.”

Holy cow! I’m just stunned. Can anyone say First Amendment? Now, granted, I don’t think it’s appropriate to go into a nursery school and make it your goal to teach all the 3 year olds how to say, “You fucking cow.” But, c’mon…really?

So, this law that I just learned about prompted me to write a post that I’d been contemplating for the last few days (which I’ll include here). I wasn’t sure whether or not to write it because it just seemed like such a gratuitous use of bad language (not written by me, but stolen from a TV show) and you guys are always so tolerant that I didn’t want to seem like I’d gone off the deep end. But now I feel it is my duty to share with you the wonderfully horrible and foul scene from a TV show the hubby and I just recently watched.

The show is an HBO show called The Wire. It’s a cop drama set it Baltimore (where I went to college) and so far I’m enjoying it. One of the things about it being an HBO show is that there is no language filter like you’d find on Network TV. I commented to Grant how I’m quite sure they use the “f” word even more often than I and he giggled and said that wasn’t possible. ;)

Then along comes episode 4 and for one of the first times in recorded history my jaw dropped to the floor from the sheer, unadulterated, intentional use of cussing written to clearly make a statement about censorship. Apparently, when the show first began airing it received some flack for the copious amount of “fucks” thrown into the dialog and the producers in return decided to stick it to the language dissenters. When we saw this almost 5 minute scene in the show we both about died laughing as it is so clearly the producers flipping the bird to anyone who doesn’t approve. Prepare yourselves. It truly is shocking.

Let me set the stage. Two cops go to a crime scene that had been poorly processed by the first team of cops. They are now checking it out for themselves and are more than shocked by what they find. Before you click “Play” know that this is not a scene for those with delicate ears or for those easily offended (of course, you wouldn’t be reading my blog if either of those things were true!). :) Also, there are a few crime scene photos which quickly show boobs. I’m not one to post things with nudity, but the pics are as far from sexual as they can possibly be. Consider yourself warned as this clip is not for the faint at heart–though the hubby and I laughed our asses off after about one minute when we realized that the entire scene contained only 2 words but lasts almost 5 minutes. Enjoy the insanity! :) :) :)

THESE ARE NOT WORDS, &*%*&#^!!!!!!

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First and foremost let me say that I make up words all the time and/or use words incorrectly (usually on purpose though). If the King’s English doesn’t give me the word I want then I’ll create my own.

For example: Flarmp. That’s not a word, but I bet it gets used in my house at least 10 times a week. To the hubby and me, the word Flarmp means the act of a kitty just dropping and rolling in a very deliberate way and usually next to our legs in order to smush against us to get love. There is also the Force Flarmp where WE Flarmp the kitty so that we can give it love. I don’t even know how we came up with the word–it just seemed to fit the act of kitty love dropping.

Also, I make up words in my blog sometimes. Yesterday, I used the word “smartassedness” in a comment. I even mentioned how it wasn’t a word, but it just fit perfectly in the sentence so I used it anyway.

But, there are certain words roaming around out there in the public that are either not words or are words being used incorrectly that make me wanna pull my hair out when I hear them.

Now, please believe me that I’m not trying to be a douche bag here. If any of you use these words, please know that I’m not trying to be a meanie. I’m just putting out there that maybe using words correctly and/or correctly pronouncing words may be beneficial. Especially if you are in a job interview or some other important situation–you want people to know how wonderful and smart you are without getting hung up on the little things that didn’t come out quite right (as people tend to do).

In order to let you know that I am sincerely not trying to be mean, let me share with you a few of my colossal word fuck ups. And just so you know, I’m well aware that I probably have a ton of grammatical errors, punctuation mishaps and stupid word choice issues in this very post, so know that I cast the first stone at myself! Lord knows I screw up all the time! :)

  1. Exorbitant: I always said it as “exorbiNant” and thank God someone finally corrected me.
  2. Veranda: Which is a font but not a font anyone knows because it’s actually “VerDaNa.” I’ve been weirdly dyslexic for oh about 20 years with the name of that damn font and NO ONE ever corrected me! I’ve just sounded like an idiot for 20 years. Ugh. I’m incredibly thankful a coworker corrected me the other day. I felt like such a doofus, but at least I’ll say the word correctly from now on.
  3. Purview: For some reason I got it stuck in my head that “purview” and “view” could be used interchangeably. Had you asked me if they meant the same thing I’d have said no and told you why. But for some reason the “come up with words quickly” part of my brain told my mouth to say “purview” before I had time to stop the “pur”. No clue why. I think I may have beaten that outta my head at this point–hopefully. (See, I’m pretty sure I used the word “hopefully” incorrectly.)
  4. Sammich: I know it’s sandwich, but my grandma used to say “sammich” when she was being playful and so when I say/write it that way it reminds me of her.
  5. Good vs. well: I intentionally use these incorrectly sometimes if I’m trying to put across a certain emotion. For example, if someone asks me how my day is going and it has been the day from hell, I’ll sometimes say in specific tone of voice, “Good, good…how’s yours?” If I said, “Well, well…how’s yours?” it would just sound weird.

Okay, now here’s the list of words/non-words that drives me insane:

  1. Boughten: No one has ever “boughten” anything. Ever. Period. You either buy something or you have bought something. You have never boughten anything in your life.
  2. Anyways: There is NO “s” on the end of that word. I used to say it with an “s” also and my mom harped on me EVERY DAMN TIME it came out of my mouth incorrectly. I am soooo (another incorrectly used word of mine as “so” only has one “o”) thankful she did. I want to do the same thing every time I hear someone else do it, but I don’t as I’m sure that is a justifiable cause for murdering me.
  3. ConversAted. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You conversed with someone. You had a conversation with them. You are conversing with them. You have never conversAted anyone, anywhere.
  4. Medium: Wait, that is a word. But it is NOT a substitute for the word “median” and when I hear traffic people say that there is a car up on the medium so traffic on Scottsdale Road is slow I immediately want to find their helicopter and blow it up. It’s bad enough if we normal people use it incorrectly, but your JOB as a traffic person is to know words that relate to traffic and roads. Median is a pretty important part of road construction, so please use that word from now so that you don’t sound like a complete moron.
  5. HeightH: I understand that it’s “widtH”, breadtH” and “lenghtH” but it is not “heightH”. There is no H on the end of “height”, only a T. So quit it with the TH sound. Please?
  6. Supposebly: It’s “supposedly.” Just say it correctly from now on, please.
  7. Expresso: Is there an X in espresso? No. I didn’t think so.
  8. Probly: IT’S “PROBABLY” DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!!
  9. Axed, warshed, wrassaled, greazy and pissa: I totally understand that these word pronunciations are dialect-driven. My mom is southern and says things like “Geminee” for “Gemini” and though the “ee” pronunciation is the 2nd way to say it as listed in the dictionary, it still makes me go insane especially since I am a Gemini. My step-father of a few years came from somewhere where pizza was pronounced “pissa” and greasy was pronounced “greazy” and I’d want to scream every time I heard him say either word. So, in these cases I totally get that it’s dialect-driven and probably what someone grew up hearing so it seems completely normal to them…but can we please break the cycle of word-abuse? Please?
  10. Cra-cra: Okay, the word “crazy” has 2 syllables. So does the un-word “cra-cra.” So, can we please just go back to crazy? I’ll give you a dollar. ;)

Last year I did a post on words like: ginormous, trending, wheelhouse and other annoying as fuck words, so I won’t repeat them here, but please stop using those too. They are simply horrible.

I think from now on I’m going to make this face when I hear any of the above words being used. In an effort to NEVER see this disturbing face again, maybe people will stop using them? Maybe? Please God…

Jodi Crazyface

And, just so you know, I’m aware that a language needs to change or it will die–just like a shark needs to keep swimming or it will become fish food. We need to keep adding to our language or it will go the way of Latin. But can we at least use common sense and a wee bit of caution before we bastardize it to the point of being unrecognizable? I just cannot hear this anymore, “Me and him were conversating about trying a expresso and new that it would probly taste badly, but we boughten it anyways.” Pardon me for a moment, I’m going to go hang myself.

 

PS: for those of you in the United States–GO RAVENS!!! (I’m actually a Redskins chick, but if it can’t be them then I hope B’more kicks some ass! :)

My two favorite TV show quotes EVER! (Horribly inappropriate and offensive–view at your own risk!!)

The cartoon Archer is one of the best damn cartoons ever–it rivals South Park in the early days. I simply love it. And it has foulness in it that makes me have to pause the TV, choke to death laughing, then rewind so that I can live the horror again.

But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The first one is just funny as shit.

The second one is horrible in so many delicious ways and even comes in a picture (no pun intended!)–someone did me the favor of putting the quote right on the pic.

Turn away if you offend easily.

First quote from Pam (the blonde in the pic below, to her slutty coworker whose name I can never remember):

“Shut your dick holster.”  Ahh…the mental image that gives me. :)

Second quote:

archer

If you don’t know the cartoon, start watching it. It’s on FX Network and is about an organization of super spies who all suffer from one form or another of mental illness. It is AWESOME in its awfulness.

Hope you are all having a great weekend!

Drum roll please!!! Here it is! The snort heard round the world!

Okay, so it wasn’t heard round the world. Apparently, my snort was a quiet one so it’s not like some horribly loud nightmare from which I can never escape. THANK YOU, GOD!!! :)Book Cover Small

For those of you that either don’t get the first hour of the midday news on WGN or for those of you who live somewhere far, far away…I have a link for you to see it. Yay!

Just click this link or on the pic below to watch: Jodi Cooking? WTF???

Thanks so much to all of you for being so wonderful and supportive!!! :) I hope you enjoy the segment and love the sammich!! :)

PS: I realized that I look preggers in my apron!!! I must get a new apron that doesn’t add a 6 month old fetus to my outfit!

Holy crap! There I am! :)

Holy crap! There I am! :)

 

I dropped an “LY” and snorted and you can see it happen!

Yep, the girl that wrote an entire blog about people not properly using “LY” on the end of adverbs didn’t use one while filming my upcoming WGN-America segment! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Honest to God, I almost corrected myself right then and there. I was horrified. And tomorrow, Friday 1/11/13, you too can be horrified! My cooking segment will be airing around-ish 11:45 am Central time during WGN’s mid-day news. Woo hoo!

Oh, and to add insult to injury, I freaking SNORTED while laughing!!! I bet I snort maybe once a year while laughing and yet for some reason my body decided to do it on film right at the very end of the segment. Ugh! I don’t even remember what we were chuckling about, but yep, I snorted. EEEEEEE gawds, what on earth!?

So, if you want to see a non-cook actually cook something on air (if I can cook it, anyone can!) and if you want to hear me use improper grammar and snort like some kind of rutting animal, set your DVR. ;)

Once it airs, they’ll post a video of it on their site. I’ll post it for you guys in America or Canada who don’t get WGN (do you live in a cave??) or for those of you who are abroad and so it makes sense you wouldn’t get WGN.

I’m nervous as hell, so hopefully it turns out well. I’m not usually nervous on air, but COOKING on air? ME? Goodness gracious. Keep your fingers crossed that it rocks (or at least doesn’t suck!). :) XOXO

Me, with 2 lions growing out of my head, at the WGN studio. Yay!

Me, with 2 lions growing out of my head, at the WGN studio. Yay!

Awesome Awards, New Year’s Resolutions and Other Such Goodies

Happy New Year! I hope with all my heart that every last one of you had a wonderful holiday season and a safe and happy New Year! :)

I took a much needed vacation from everything and decided today to dip my toe back into humanity one tiny inch at a time. And what did I find upon my return? I found I was mentioned by several awesome bloggers who somehow survived my potty mouth to live and say kind things about my blog! Yay!

My dear friends at Alastair’s Blog and Feed the Piglet both nominated me for Blog of the Year 2012 (the check is in the mail!) and Rural Spaceman listed my blog amongst his “Favorite Things”. Also, in the last few months I was blessed to be nominated by the following kick ass people for some kick ass awards:

  1. Sparky the Dragon creator Kimberley at The Embiggens Project for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award
  2. Jottings and Writings for the Addictive Blog Award and the Liebster Award (Two awards? you are awesome!)
  3. Life in the Drivethru for the Food Stories Nominee for Excellence in Storytelling Award
  4. Alastair’s Blog (again, you sweetheart!) for the One Lovely Blog Award
  5. TotalOvrdose for the Versatile Blogger Award

A big, huge thanks to all of you for your mentions, awards and kind words. I can’t tell you how humbled I am that you guys would think of me. Thank you so very, very much from the bottom of my heart. Your sweetness means the world to me. :)

Now that we’ve talked about the Awesome Awards (and the even more awesome awarders!), let’s move on to the New Year’s Resolutions. My thought about New Year’s Resolutions is poop on their head! Like a lot of people, I’ve made them over the years only to be disappointed in myself a few months down the road for my miserable failures. I’d have been so much happier with myself had I never made the unachievable resolutions in the first place. So, I’ve decided to never make another resolution! Alas, that does not mean that I don’t have things I wanna do in 2013.

Horrifying as it is, my 25 year class reunion is this year. Good God–how is that possible? Am I not still 17 riding around in my girlfriend Susan’s Bronco with a Bartles & James wine cooler in one hand, a cigarette in the other, gossiping about boys? Wasn’t it just yesterday, not 28 years ago, that while at the 7-11 I ran into the guy who stood me up for a movie at my place (my mom actually rented a VCR so I could have him over to watch a movie as we didn’t have one yet–yep, that tells you how old my ass is) and his other date (kill me)? Man, was that awkward! How could it be 25 years ago that I graduated? It just doesn’t seem possible!!!

Well, like most women, I’m bound and determined to lose a few pounds before the reunion. Writing that cookbook put a few extra hunks of delicious, savory butter on my ass (oh, I mean pounds…the butter put the pounds on my ass) that I’d like to shed before flying home, so either I’m going to have to learn how to eat healthier or I’m going to have to borrow a vacuum from someone and perform home liposuction. I’m not sure which one would be more painful!!! :)

This desire to knock off a pants size is not a resolution though. I just happened to be notified about the upcoming event in the last week, so the timing makes it appear to be a resolution, but it is not.

Something else I wanna do in 2013 is learn to curb my potty mouth.  I know I cuss a LOT and I thought…oh shit, I can’t pull that off. I’m sooooo lying here!!! That just ain’t gonna happen. ;)

Ummmm…what else do I wanna do? I don’t know. I figure if I can continue to be happy and healthy, then life is good. I just try and keep that going and that should really be enough.

Okay, so now onto the Other Such Goodies.

I have two things here for ya. One: my cooking spot on WGN-America’s Lunchbreak is gonna air on January 11th. WOO HOO!!!! I’m so excited I could puke. Two: I quit smoking 6 weeks and 1 day ago and I’m so proud of myself I could puke. Wait, that’s a hell of a lot of puking. Let’s just say that my cold-turkey-smoke-quitting-ass is very happy that I’ve been able to maintain the quitting without even a single slip up. Yay!!! And, I haven’t even been a rancid bitch during the emotional withdrawal of one of my very favorite things on earth. I had whittled down my consumption to 4-5 a day (though I crave a pack a day dammit!!!) over the last year so that quitting wouldn’t be such a fuckin’ nightmare, and I still crave those evil (wonderful) sticks constantly, BUT, I’m bound and determined to stay quit as I’d like to live a long and healthy life, so send me no-smoking happy vibes please! :)

Again, I hope you all had a simply magnificent holiday season and I want you to know that I’m thankful for all of your friendship. I’ve met some wonderful people through this blog and you guys mean a ton to me. XOXOXOXO

Blog of the Year Award 2 star thumbnailfoodstoriesnominee_250x286The addictive blog award liebster one-lovely-blog-award1-1 versatileblogger11