ADULT EYES ONLY! Don’t read this. Blind yourself. Smash your computer. Search term antics gone awry!

I thought it was about time for another “search term” blog. I swear, I laugh out loud when I read the list of search terms people use and then somehow end up on my blog. I mean, not only do I find it odd that some of these terms bring people here, but I find it even more peculiar that people search for some of these terms. I know it takes all types, but good grief, some of this shit is messed up.

In order to make this post interactive, I’ve tried to figure out which of my posts the searchers were linked to based on their search terms. So, in most cases the bolded text below will also be a link to the corresponding post on my site. Those of you who are new here can read all the horrifyingly inappropriate crap that I’ve written that brings these whacko searchers to my front door.

But before you read below, please know that it is horrible and filled with hideously foul language. It is NOT for the sensitive amongst you. This is a post for people with strong stomachs and rogue senses of humor. If you don’t like 4-letter words, turn back now.

You have now been officially warned and I don’t want no guff about my language! Got it? Got it. ;)

I hate cleaning: Well, if there has ever been a truer search term that would bring someone to my blog, I don’t know what it could be. ;)

I hate the word trending: Fuck you, trending.

Not in my wheelhouse: Fuck you too, wheelhouse!

What’s in my wheelhouse?: Stupid damn wheelhouse. SHUT UP about your wheelhouse. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR WHEELHOUSE!

Adult eyes only: Well, they came to the right place for that!

Bad grammer sucks it: Yep. Bad “grammEr” does suck it. ;)

Correct grammar for this wonderful life dear lord, im forever thankful: Ummm… the amount of errors in the “correct grammar dear lord” search is horrifying. Pot calling kettle?

Tiffany Granath: Love me some Tiffany Granath and Playboy SiriusXM.

How to do sex:  I gotta say, if you can’t even ask about it properly, how do you expect to do it properly?? I guess that’s why they are asking! ;) Man, I’m a bitch.

If you muff a woman that’s on the pill: What exactly is muffing a woman? Since when is “muff” a verb?

Jodi Ambrose sex sex Jodi: Sorry to let you down, but there will be no Jodi sex videos. Nope. Nada. Nil.

Author Jodi Ambrose: That’s me, baby!

Jodi wise: Hell yeah, I am. Every 5th Tuesday in February during a Leap Year.

Spanked battleaxe: You tryin’ to say something? Battleaxe?? If I find you…

Jodi arias sex pics: God why did she have to have my first name even spelled the same way? Ugh.

i+want+to+sex+you: No. You may not. I will not be sexed by you.

Kicking ass and taking names: Yep. That’s my job description.

Toilet monster: YOU’RE a toilet monster! So there!

Good blog sassy: Why thank you! I love that this search term brought them here. I guess I have to send a check to Google for being so nice.

Jodi sucks it: Okay, since I’m not technically a hooker I can only assume they are talking about a different Jodi. Unless my past has come back to haunt me.  ;)

Jodi Beth Ambrose: How do you know my middle name? Are you a stalker? Should I be worried?

Massengill medicated powder: Can we quit it with the Massengill please? Why is it always about rotten crotch?

I’m positive you’re a douche: No, I’m positive YOU are a douche.

I licked my mom’s douche: God…that freaking story is going to follow me around for the rest of my damn life, ain’t it?

I want more sex: Who doesn’t? Here’s a tissue. Get in line.

Women sexy feet finger toes death: So…uhhhh…yeah…I try to avoid necrophiliacs. Please go away.

Hello Kitty having sex: Fucked up. Period.

What do strippers smell like: I know! I know! Read here to find out.

How to smell like a stripper: Does one usually WANT to smell like a stripper? Though I imagine many of them smell quite good.

Guess my muff: Guess your own damn muff! (I love the word muff.)

Guess my snatch: Guess your own damn snatch!

Monster muff: Can we please not admit to having a monster muff in public? That’s what confession is for.

Rape butt cry: Can someone get me a cop? Please? I am disturbed.

Sadistic torture pulling out toenails: Ummm…what the fuck? Please stay off my website, blog and planet. I’m frightened.

Stupid TV Bitches: Nice. Didn’t your mama teach you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything? Oh. Wait. My mom taught me that. I guess I just didn’t listen! ;)

Snuffaluffagus: SEE! They searched with all “Fs” because his name should NOT have “Ps” in it. Stupid P ruining my childhood memories.

Unicorn peeing a rainbow, unicorn vomiting rainbows, unicorn pooping rainbows, unicorns sex, unicorns with shotguns, unicorn with rainbows out of ass: Lot’s of unicorn awfulness going on here. Why unicorns, you sickos? Oh, wait, I think I Googled “drunk unicorns” and “puking rainbow unicorns” trying to find my own inappropriate unicorn picture. I am no better.

Lions and tigers and bears: Oh my!

Furry feet chickens: Ain’t nothin’ better than a furry footed chicken!

Impoliteness sneak a chicken: Is it impolite to sneak a chicken? Into where am I sneaking the chicken? A movie theater? Someone’s house? An orgy? More specifics please.

Otter toes: I love me some otter toes!

Otters a sexy: Sick freak.

Owl and no fucks were given that day: Hmmm…the owl gave no fucks that day? Or no owls nor fucks were given that day? Be clear, dammit!

Ninja chicken: Hell yeah, ninja chicken!

Turkey country women porn: Wha? What kind of image or story was this person imagining finding?

Girl peeing toilet, girl in toilet while on phone, sucks off in toilet, girl using bathroom on the phone, pee on girl, big ass girl on loo: Wow. That’s a lot of wanting to see girls on the pot. WHAT IS SO HOT ABOUT WATCHING A GIRL PEE??? I don’t get it. I’m slightly horrified. Gross. Oh, wait, I do recall posting a picture of a girl peeing while talking on the phone. I’m perpetuating this, so I can’t complain.

Happy father’s day dad who’s in heaven: Awww…this is a sweet one. Happy Father’s Day to all the daddies out there!

Peeing on teddy bear: That is wrong. Just wrong. You need to go fuck yourself. Who would pee on a teddy bear? Car teddy would be PISSED! (No pun intended.)

Ducks without beaks: Yet again, that is so very, very wrong. Who wants to see a duck without a beak???

Who started the whole duckface pose thing: FUCKING DUCK FACE HATE IT! Dang, I need a valium.

Boob spider: Okay, yeah. I wrote a blog about a muff spider. I can see how this search term would bring someone here. Good Lord…

Slut searchers: Ya know, I’ve often been a Slut Searcher. It’s like looking for Big Foot, only significantly easier.

Chicks in slutty dresses hen: I know I dressed a bit wild when I was young, but this person seemed to be looking for chicks as in chickens that are dressed sluttily. I didn’t know chickens dressed like that. Mine just run around naked.

Drunk puke slut pics: Okay, so I have one or more of those in my photo album. Who doesn’t?

Slut newsletter: Is that what you think my blog is? Mo fo!? Well…maybe sometimes…

Women’s naked fat boobs and balls for boobs: “Balls for boobs?” Sounds like some kind of perverted charity.

Needle giant boobs: I’m picturing “needle” boobs being 2 feet long and about an inch wide. I guess those could be considered giant.

Snoring man angry woman: Is there any other kind of woman when a man is snoring?

Clapping your hands and snoring: Now THAT is a skill and is one that will get you killed in my house.

Road rag fuckn aye: I’m going to assume they meant, “Road rage, fuckin’ a?”

Angry birds fucking pigs laughing blog: STUPID ANGRY BIRDS I HATE THEM DIE ANGRY BIRDS! ;)

Wedding vows that combine pagan and Christian themes: That’s what my hubby’s and mine did. Shockingly enough, it worked out quite well.

How honest should online dating profiles be?: VERY! DAMMIT! NO LIES! DAMMIT!

Stupidity will be dealt with accordingly: Preach on. Mama does not suffer fools very well.

Two ears one mouth shut the fuck up cartoon: Ha! That’s almost the exact same search phrase I used to find a picture like that!

Well I love fucking erotic cakes but I am considerate of others and clean up when i’m done: This is one of my all-time favorites. God bless someone who cleans up after themselves. But how in the hell did this search term bring them to my blog???

Why does my chicken yell when it poops?: Why do any of us?

And just in case you are curious, yes, this post took 1.2 million years of my life to write, so I hope like hell you enjoyed it! :) :) :)

Online Dating Kicks Ass–if you use your brain and are honest!

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I’m not sure how many of you know this, but I met my hubby online over 5 1/2 years ago. I never thought I’d online date, especially back in 2007 when it was still sort of new and not many people I knew had done it, but I thank God every day that I did.

Here’s how it went down (warning: I’m going to sound like a snobby bitch here in just a moment, but remember, online dating had a less-than-good reputation back in 2007). I was working at a place where I traveled 4 weeks a month. Yep. I stayed home only 4-6 weeks a year. It was HELL!  So, I was in NY on a business trip training a bunch of new hires alongside a more seasoned trainer (I’d only been with the company for about a month) and they were all making fun of me for being single (fairly newly divorced). I didn’t care for all the making fun of me. I’m usually pretty good about laughing at myself, but having 10 people give me shit for being single every day for 4 days was a bit annoying. Finally, I tried to explain. First, I’m NEVER HOME! How the hell am I supposed to meet anyone when I’m on the road every week? Second, I’m not a fan of what we in AZ call “Scottsdale boys” or “$35,000 millionaires.” If some guy tells me (lies to me about) how much he makes and what kind of car he drives within 5 minutes of meeting me (while living in a one bedroom apartment with 10 other guys so he can afford the drinks in the fancy Scottsdale clubs), then I have no interest. I’m not that cheap and you can’t buy me on a first date. Sorry, there’s a street in downtown Phoenix if you are looking for that–and, she won’t expect a call the next day!

Back to NY. Finally, they asked me if I’d tried online dating (here comes the slightly bitchy moment). I said, “Um, no. I think I can get a date without going online.” OUCH!!! Every time I think about saying that I wanna kick myself. It’s not at all like me. I think I was just annoyed at being harassed about being single all week, so I was a little snappy. Well, swat my ass–it turned out that EVERY person in the room met their significant other online. What is the chance of that? Statistically speaking, back in 2007, the likelihood of that happening was slim to none. So, after pulling my bitchy, short-tempered foot outta my mouth, I said, “Okay. I’ll do it. I’ll sign up tonight.” And I did!

I went back to my hotel (slum) and wrote up my online profile on match.com. And I did not fuck around. I told it like it is. I remember when my sister read my profile she gently suggested that I might want to temper it a bit as it was pretty blunt (bless her heart for trying to help her Sissy out) but I told her that if a man couldn’t handle me in writing that there was NO way he could handle me in person. Trust me, that mouth of mine is even mouthier face to face! I remember saying that I didn’t want to lure anyone to my table under false pretenses because then when they met the real Jodi they might freak. I did not want freaking–though I met a fair share of freaks!

Here are a few things I learned about online dating before I found the love of my life:

  1. Read between the lines and make sure to analyze their word choice. You can learn a lot about a person by paying attention to how they phrase sentences. Do they use a lot of negative words? Positive words? Too many positive words? Do they not respond to questions you ask? Do they get too sexual too fast? If they make you uncomfortable in an email, it ain’t gonna get any better in person.
  2. While you may start off politely responding “no” to everyone that emails you, you’ll eventually give up on that (probably). At first, I thought it would be horribly rude to not respond to every email. Then I realized that some of the people who emailed me were clearly sending form letters that they’d created so that they wouldn’t have to personalize emails to every girl they wanted to bang. Ummmm…no. If you can’t invest 10 minutes in drafting a personalized email to someone you’d like to meet, then you can go blow.
  3. If you are a girl, I recommend letting guys come to you. I know that sounds old fashioned, and it is, but when you reach out to a guy through online dating they often misconstrue it as you being an easy target for wham bam thank ya ma’am. Not ALL guys are like that. But on a dating site a lot of them are. I prefer to let them approach me so that they don’t get the impression that they’re getting laid halfway through dinner on our first date. NOT!
  4. Be picky! Just because they ask does not mean you have to say yes. If they are jerky when you say no, then just imagine how much jerkier they likely are to be in “real” life. Screw that.
  5. Cyber stalk them before going on a date. I know, I know…that sounds awful. But I met more than one guy whose best friends were Photoshop and a 10 year old picture. Ummmm…not cool, mo fo. Not cool. (I don’t say that to be shallow. I say it because if someone lies from the get-go, that isn’t a good sign.) So, see if they have a Facebook page or Twitter. Do a Google search. A little research in this day and age is not a bad thing. A girl (and guy) must be smart and safe.
  6. Tell at least 3 people where you are going and with whom. Give them as much info as possible. Sneak a pic of your date if you can so if they find your corpse in a ditch a month from now, your phone will have a picture of the last person you saw alive. Yeah…grim! ;)

So, how did my dating go? Here’s a synopsis of the online dating misery I primarily experienced:

  1. First guy met me at happy hour. He looked nothing like his pic. He started our date by telling me about his other Match.com dates. I felt so special! Yep, great way to begin. Then he went on to tell me he was the victim of a criminal chick duo he met on Match. Long story short: 2 girls showed up for the date instead of one. He was excited because he thought it was his lucky night for a threesome (charming to hear on a first date). They took him out then took him to their lair (cheap hotel). They tried to knock him out and take his wallet but he got away from them and then, and I quote, “Kicked their assess all over the room.” Yep. I wanna date a man who beats up women even after he’s escaped their evil clutches. He got away from them. He didn’t need to go back in and beat them up–he did it “to teach them a lesson.” I left halfway through the appetizers.
  2. Second guy had no teeth. I mean seriously. No teeth. Maybe one molar. Now, as a broken-tooth nightmare myself I understand tooth issues. But NO teeth!? I could barely understand a word he said. I thought I was being punked by Ashton Kutcher.
  3. Third guy was a HOT FBI agent. Damn he was good lookin’! But I made an ass of myself and we never went out again. While we were having dinner he asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom. I thought that was such an odd question. Did he have some supernatural connection to my bladder? It wasn’t talking to me, was it talking to him? Only when I got home did I look in the mirror and realize that one of my hair extensions had escaped my head and was hanging off my arm (long story as to why I wore them and I don’t anymore, thank God). Talk about embarrassing!!! Clearly, he didn’t like chicks who wore other people’s hair. Oh well, we had opposite political views anyway. It wouldn’t have worked. Still…stupid hair extension!! Totally humiliating!
  4. Fourth guy I went on about 6 dates with until we went out for the 4th of July on his friend’s boat. They thought it would be funny to fly the boat across the lake at top speed and then do a super sharp turn, which sent me flying and bloodied my face, just to see if I was up for a good time and was a cool chick. Good time? GOOD TIME? You guys actually planned to hurt me (they held on to handles as they knew what was coming so they didn’t go flying across the entire boat and smash their faces into the back of the captain’s chair–ASSHOLES!) to see if I’d pass the “cool chick” test???? Fuckheads. Then he had the balls to email ME and tell me that I was a primadonna princess because I didn’t join them in cleaning up all the empty beer cans on the boat (of which I had exactly zero). Oh, don’t forget, they bloodied my face! Why the fuck would I clean up after them? About a year later he sent me the longest email apologizing for his behavior. Apparently he was in a “misogynistic” phase after a bad divorce. Then DON’T DATE GIRLS YOU DUMB FUCK ASS HAT!!!

Finally, I was like, screw this, I’m done. I stayed on Match.com until October but didn’t go out on any more dates. Ugh. Then one night, while in Chicago on business, I was forced to go to dinner with this wretched bitch from work who I hated. Longest dinner of my life. But thank God for it because by the time I got back to the hotel it was late, but I was determined to cancel my Match.com membership. I logged in and as I was about to cancel one last email popped into my inbox. I read it. Turns out the short and charming email was from my future husband!

Had I not gone to dinner with bitchface, I’d have canceled my membership before he had a chance to email me. Talk about God intervening because he knows what’s best.

So, why did his email stand out from the rest? He addressed a rather unusual comment from my profile (which few had done). And he didn’t give me a single compliment. It was all about personality. I loved it. I emailed him back and we continued to email for 7 hours until we were both ready to pass out from exhaustion and half-broken typing fingers. It was AWESOME!

We met 2 days later for our first date and it’s been just the two of us from that day forward. One of the things he liked so much about me was that my profile was full of spunk and turned out not to contain even one lie (though at the time I wrote my profile I’d just quit smoking and listed myself as a non-smoker, but by the time I met him I’d started again–so that was a bit misleading, but he smoked too so it wasn’t an issue. I’d simply not thought about updating my profile when I lit up again–never crossed my mind.). One of the things I learned about him over time was that his profile was 98% true (and the other 2% wasn’t a lie–it was just slightly fuzzy).

Moral of the story? Be honest on your profile. If you are looking for a one-eyed, 6’2″ man with a vestigial tail, then list that. If you don’t put out there who you are and what you really want, chances are you won’t find it easily.

One more moral? Use pics that look like you. The future hubby’s pics made him look mean, but his profile didn’t read as mean at all so I took a chance. Turns out there’s not a mean bone in his body, even if he did look a little grumpy in the pics.

Before he and I canceled our accounts, I grabbed screenshots of our profiles. I’m going to put them here for you to read (yeah, mine’s long–shocking!). I love rereading them every couple of years. They always make me giggle.

For those of you out there in search of love–much luck to you!!! I kissed a frog or two along the way, but it was worth it since it led me to the love of my life. I wish the same blessing on all of you!!!!

Jodis Match Profile

Grants Match Profile

Good luck to all my single peeps out there!!! :) XOXOXO

Utterly Random Babbling from a Fruitcake

Actually, I don’t like fruitcake. I do like banana nut bread though. Mmmmm…banana nut bread. Now I want some. I do think I’m going to make some funnel cakes this weekend. Talk about yummy and SO healthy!! ;) Lord, my ass grew 3 inches just thinking about funnel cake. :)

Since a bunch of you have asked where I ran off to last week and why I haven’t been around its because the hubby and I went to visit his family last week in Minnesota. The weather was AWESOME! Nice and cool and cloudy and the trees were so colorful. It was just beautiful. Why someone like me, who hates heat and the awful torturer known as the sun, lives in AZ is beyond me. I’m not bright, I guess.

Okay, so for my rambling thoughts (and they are rambles, let me warn you!! As a matter of fact, no one should even read this. Run from your computer now!!!).

  1. People who are dickfaces can suck it. How’s that as a start? ;) I say this because in the last couple of weeks I ran up against a dickface. (Ooohhh, that sounds dirty…) I try to never surround myself with such people because my normally agreeable, fairly sweet self gets stuffed into a jar and the “Don’t fuck with me or I’ll cut you” side of me comes bubbling out. For example, back when I used to party in Scottsdale some of the funnest times I had were slowly disassembling cocky assholes at bars until they were fetal and crying for mommy. I just can’t take it when a guy comes up and essentially says, “I’m the shit (ummmm…no). I’m hot (they rarely are). I’m rich (they never are). I’m drive a fancy car (leased and paid for by them and their 9 roommates). I only like girls with fake tits (mine are real, douchebag). I don’t like girls with opinions (as that means you have to actually think to have a proper conversation). I’ll buy you a drink, but expect head as a thank you (on this they are never kidding). Everyone loves me–I know you do too (not in your wildest dreams, mo fo).” While I’m sure a better person than me would just blow them off, every one and I while I get a little hot in the blood and have to verbally throw down until my opponent is decimated. I know this makes me a bad person (it doesn’t happen that often!) but I just cannot suffer fools and people who behave like that just fuel my fire. I know there is the female equivalent to my bar guy, so gentlemen don’t think I don’t understand that chicks can be just as annoying. :)
  2. If you are not happy with your life, change it. I know this is WAY easier said than done. I know there is no magic wand that we can just wave and BING! we’re rich, happy, healthy and built like a brick shit house. But there are things one can do to make life a little happier. All this constant sulking and blaming and whining and blah blah blah is so pointless. Don’t get me wrong. I occasionally sulk and whine. Everyone gets to do that every once and a while. But to just live life like that is a waste. First step to a happier life? Cut the people who make you want to kill things out of your life. If you can’t stand them or they make you unhappy, choose to not be around them. If they don’t like that, tough shit. They need to be nicer or then can go screw.
  3. I need a ranch. Yep. One of these days, I’m going to have a ranch with chickens and goats. I want the little pygmy goats that are black and white and look like cow-goats. Then they’ll also look like my Moopy kitty. I’ll have a Moopy Cat and Moopy Goats. Ahhh…sounds like heaven.
  4. While I love traveling in first class, there shouldn’t be one. I got Grant and myself an upgrade on the way to Minnesota and it was HEAVEN!!! You can see how much we enjoyed it by the pic. Even the teddies were in heaven. Yes, we travel with teddies. But I digress. If they could just give everyone a speck more room and treat everyone with a little more dignity, then we could ALL be happier on a plane. I understand they can’t give out free food and drinks to a plane full of people. They’d go bankrupt. But if we could just get a little more space and not (in most, but not all, cases) be treated like a chore, then those sitting in coach may not want to burn down all of first class.

    Tick Teddy and Dopple Bear having the time of their lives! DRUNKS!!

  5. I miss my furries when I’m away from them. I guess this is how people with kids must feel when they are away from the kiddos for an extended period of time. I wanted my little kitties in my lap while I was out of town. I missed their stupid retardedness so much. I love me a FuzzyButt and Moopers. :)
  6. I”m never happier than when I’m at a zoo with my honeypie. :) That one kinda speaks for itself.

    Grant and me on our 5 year 1st date anniversary. :)

  7. I’m going to be a photographer at a wedding in 2 weeks. Woo Hoo! I’m terrified that I’ll fuck it all up, but deep down I know I won’t. I usually take pretty darn good pictures, so hopefully I won’t go blind between now and then. A friend of mine has been with her guy for 17 years (and she’s only like 35!) and they are finally tying the knot. Can you see why I’d be scared to death to have that responsibility? But I figure if I take 2000 pics, I can find at least 10 that’ll be presentable. Keep your fingers crossed, please!! :)
  8. Quartz countertops stain. DON’T BELIEVE ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THEY DON’T!!! Liars!!! We just redid our kitchen and when deciding on a countertop I told the lady that we needed something that wouldn’t stain. I was willing to get a super-dark counter (even though the white is so pretty and clean looking) if it meant that it would be worry free. The LIAR told me that I could let coffee and red wine sit on the white quartz for 2 years and it wouldn’t stain. Ummmm…NOT TRUE! My brand new, expensive countertop SUCKS. The countertop inspector guy is coming over in an hour to look at it. I can only hope he can figure something out because if I have to sue Home Depot, I will.
  9. I have THE best Mommy ever!The more I hear people’s stories, and see first hand, what other people have had to deal with when they have moms that aren’t so sweet and loving, I appreciate my mommy more and more. I’m pretty sure my mom has never said an unkind word to me in my entire life. My mom is a sweet little Southern Baptist and when I was in my teens I dressed like a street whore and listened to AC/DC. She never once made me feel judged or unloved. Ultimately, I was a pretty good girl. Yeah, I drank my share and may have puffed off of a few things that burned, but I was always a nice kid and never got into really bad things. I mean, I never went to school, but I ended up pretty well in terms of education. Through all of this, my mom never criticized me. Don’t get me wrong, she was tough. We couldn’t cuss (can you IMAGINE????). We had ridiculously early curfews and got severely grounded if we were late. She didn’t put up with any backtalk or any bullshit, but she understood that we were individuals, so she let us fly high our freak flags. :) God bless a good mommy.

    Yep, that’s me 100 years ago with a can of Busch beer and no, that is not cigarette smoke in the air.

    Okay, I’ve got to go get ready for the kitchen inspector. If you actually stayed the course and read this tome, bless your heart. I was just having Random Thought Friday and thought I’d share. :) Have a great weekend, everyone! :) XOXO

    PS: I know “countertop” is two words, but it should be one word, so I took a stand! ;)

Wedding Vows for the Pagan and Christian Alike!

GASP! You mean a Southern Baptist and a Pagan can get married? Who’d have thought? I believe strongly in God and Jesus, but I don’t force my beliefs on anyone. If my honey finds peace in Buddhist/Pagan/Wiccan beliefs, then I’m just happy he found it. Of course, coming up with wedding vows that talk about The Goddess (for him) and God (for me) and don’t make my mom die from stark horror was not the easiest task. But I was determined! And luckily, once my mom met him and realized that we were perfect for each other, she didn’t really care anymore if the word “Goddess” was in the vows he said. She was just thrilled that we were together.

Because of our somewhat unusual situation, I wanted to write the ceremony from start to finish. I borrowed a lot from much better writers than me (Kahlil Gibran, the Bible, Lao Tzu, Antoine de Saint-Exupery) in hopes of making everyone cry. It worked! I’ve never seen so many happy tears in all my life. It was wonderful. :)

I thought that since we all know each other so well now that I’d share my ceremony with you. Then, any of you out there who are about to get married, especially if you and your betrothed share different beliefs, can see how it can be done.

We had two people officiate our wedding, so that’s why you’ll see the names, “Susan” and “Isaiah”. We wanted to make it easy so we clearly spelled out who was to say what.

Here ya go!

Our Wonderful Wedding

Susan:      

“With joyful hearts we ask you to be present at the ceremony uniting Jodi and Grant.

On this day, Grant and Jodi will become one with each other, as best friends, the one they laugh with, live for, dream with, and love.

All paths of belief have led us here today to rejoice with Grant and Jodi as they join together their souls.”

Isaiah:

“The law of life is love unto all beings.  Without love, life is nothing, without love, death has no redemption.

Loving is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction.

This union is a bond to be entered into only after considerable thought and reflection.

As with any aspect of life, it has its cycles, its ups and its downs, its trials and its triumphs.

But there is no fear in love; perfect love casteth out fear.

With full understanding of this, Grant and Jodi have come here today to be joined as one in the bond of marriage. “

Susan:      

“Others would ask, at this time, who gives the bride in marriage, but Woman is not property to be bought and sold, given and taken.

We ask simply if she comes of her own will.”

Susan shall turn to the bride and say:  

“Jodi, is it true that you come of your own free will and accord?”

(And the bride shall respond:)

“Yes, it is true.”  (I actually said, “You bet your ass!”)

Isaiah:

“Please join hands and listen to that which I am about to say. . . . .

Above you are the stars, below you are the stones, as time passes, remember. . .

Like a stone, your love should be firm; like a star, your love should be constant.

Let the powers of the mind and of the intellect guide you in your marriage.

Let the strength of your wills bind you together.

Let the power of love and desire make you happy.

And the strength of your dedication make you inseparable.

Possess one another, yet be understanding.

Have patience with one another, for storms will come, but they will pass quickly.

Be free in giving affection and warmth.

Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are.

When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

Have no fear and let not the ways of the unenlightened give you unease, for God and the Goddess are with you always.”

Susan:  

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous.

Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly.

It does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered.

It does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

You shall be together even in the silent memory of God.”

(THE UNITY CANDLE)

Isaiah:

“Marriage brings two people into a unique relationship.

While each is separate, we arrive here with a past full of love and remembrance.

In this union you will share many experiences as if you were one, yet each of you retains your identity.

I invite you now to light this candle as a symbol of the union of your lives.

May your love so endure that its flame remains a guiding light unto you always.”

 

(The bride holds the candle while the groom lights it).  

(THE EXCHANGE OF RINGS)

Susan:      

“The circle of the ring speaks of the continual nature of love for it has no beginning and it has no end.

May this circle of love declare the unity and oneness of your life together.

And may these rings represent a love glowing with increasing luster through the years before you.”

Susan shall then say to the Groom:  

“Grant, I have not the right to bind you to Jodi; only you have this right.

If it be your wish, say so at this time and place your ring in her hand.”

(And the groom shall respond:)

“It is my wish.”

Susan shall then say to the Bride:  

“Jodi, if it be your wish for Grant to be bound to you, place the ring on his finger.”

(And the bride shall place the ring on the groom’s left ring finger.)  

Susan shall then say to the Bride:  

“Jodi, I have not the right to bind you to Grant; only you have this right.

If it be your wish, say so at this time, and place your ring in his hand.”

(And the bride shall answer:)

“It is my wish.”

Susan shall then say to the Groom:  

“Grant, if it be your wish for Jodi to be bound to you, place the ring on her finger.”

(And the groom shall place the ring on the bride’s left ring finger.)  


Then the Groom shall say:  

“I, Grant, in the name of the spirit of the God and Goddess that resides within us all,

and the love that resides within my heart,

take thee, Jodi, to be my chosen one.

I promise to love thee wholly and completely,

in sickness and in health,

through good times and bad,

in life and beyond.

For hearing my thoughts,

understanding my dreams,

and being my best friend…

For filling my life with music

and loving me without end…

I will love you throughout all eternity.”

Then the Bride shall say:  

“I, Jodi, in the name of the spirit of God that resides within us all,

and the love that resides within my heart,

take thee, Grant, to be my chosen one.

I promise to love thee wholly and completely,

in sickness and in health,

through good times and bad,

in life and beyond.

For hearing my thoughts,

understanding my dreams,

and being my best friend…

For filling my life with music

and loving me without end…

I will love you throughout all eternity.”

Isaiah:

“May the sacred curve of Her arm enfold you.

May the stars of Her dark veil cover you.

Would either of you wish to speak now, one to another?”

(Bride speaks of her love for her Groom.) (There was lots of crying during this part!!)

(Groom speaks of his love for his Bride.)

(THE BINDING)

(Susan explains briefly the symbolism behind the ribbon binding, while Grant and Jodi join left hands and Isaiah begins the binding.  Ribbon is tied so that couple can remove their hands without untying the ribbon.)  

Susan:      

“‘Tying the knot’ did not start out being an abstract term.

The lovers’ knot that binds two hands together represents an eternal union.

And the tying of a knot is still practiced as a symbol of love, affection, faith, friendship, and duty.

Love made lasting by tying together.”

(Susan removes the ribbon, still tied.)  

“Now you will feel no rain,

For each of you will be shelter to the other.

Now you will feel no cold,

For each of you will be warmth to the other.

Now there is no more loneliness,

For each of you will be companion to the other.

Now you are two bodies,

But there is only one life before you.

May your days be good and long upon the earth.”

Isaiah:

“Where there is love there is life.  Who, being loved, is poor?

Love fills the moment, and the moment begins eternity.

Love fills a lifetime, and our lifetime begins this hour.

Go together in peace and joy as partners in life, sealing your union with a kiss.”

(Jodi and Grant kiss)

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have the honor to present for the first time: Grant and Jodi Ambrose.”

I hope you enjoyed our ceremony. I thought it was the best day of my life, but it just keeps getting better and better. :) :)