In Honor of my Funny, Smart, Beautiful and Supportive Sister

So last night I’m having a nervous breakdown. The kind that comes once every 10 years or so. To say that I was apoplectic would be an understatement. This is how I felt: bill the cat 2

I was laying in bed, feet twitching, hands twitching, left eye twitching (but luckily no muff twitching–recall the buzz muff anyone?) I had my Kindle in my hand and was jumping back and forth between a book, a word search app, Sudoku and a game called Paplinko (think Plinko on the Price is Right). I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few minutes and I realized that if I didn’t let off a little steam (by that I mean FREAK THE FUCK OUT) that I was going to go nuts. It was to the point where I was thinking to myself, “Do I take my sleeping pill now so that I can just go into a coma for the next 8 hours or do I try and stay up as late as possible because taking the sleeping pill only makes tomorrow come that much faster?” That is me at my most stressed.

Even though it was 2 hours later in the state where my sister lives, meaning it was after 1:00 am, I texted her and asked if she was by any chance awake. She was! Yay! And not only was she awake, she was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Truly a gift from God. Had she been asleep I don’t know what I would have done.

So, I went out to my car and screamed and cried (soooooo not like me!!) for over an hour on the phone with my sister. I used a combination of 4-letter words that would shock the fangs off a snake. What did my precious little sister do? She made me laugh. It was wonderful. She showed just the right amount of quiet support, outrage, humor and understanding…it was just what this girl needed.  I can’t even remember the last time I cried on her shoulder. Probably 25 years ago. But there she was, helping me out long distance and doing what no one else could–getting me. She gets me. I have friends who “get me”. My hubby does amazingly well. But there is something about a sister that gets you in a way no one else can that is so reassuring. For that, and for her, I am incredibly thankful. I sincerely don’t know what I would have done without her last night. She was my Wonder Woman and an otter all wrapped up into one incredible woman. To say I am truly blessed would be the greatest of understatements.

Now, my dear friends, there is no need to worry. I’ll be fine, everything will work out, it’s just a temporary thing. But I felt the need to let the world know that I am so deeply grateful to have a sister who was there for me in the middle of the night. She offered to fly out here. She offered to have me fly out and stay with her. She did and said everything right.

Thank you so much, sweet Beck-a-boo, for loving me and for being the best sister anyone could ever want. I love you so much and am so glad I have you.

And just so the rest of you can see this fantastic woman who is my Sissy, here are a few pics of her and me (I’m 99% positive that shouldn’t be “she and I”) from over the years. See how lucky I am?

So sweet that she was giving me my favorite pacifier rather than smothering me with a pillow!

So sweet that she was giving me my favorite pacifier rather than smothering me with a pillow!

Jodi and Becky

She’s looked the same since birth. What a pretty little face. :)

Jodi and Becky Big Boobs

Who knew we could foresee the future at such a tender age?

We ain't 'fraid of no snakes!

We ain’t ‘fraid of no snakes!

Me attacking her when I opened her Christmas present where she gave me the money to cover my pet deposit--allowing me to get my very first kitties!

Me attacking her when I opened her Christmas present where she gave me the money to cover my pet deposit–allowing me to get my very first kitties!

Happy Christmas Campers last year.

Happy Christmas Campers last year.

Isn’t she just lovely?  I Love My Schmeckers!!

In times of trouble I fantasize…

…about otters.

Okay, and other things too.

Every once and a while I have to do a post which doesn’t get down to brass tacks. It is not easy for me to do that. It about kills me. But I’m going to give it a go here. I’m going to put my solution to an anonymous problem here instead of ranting about the problem itself.

When I want to kill myself or others with a hammer, cheese grater, potato peeler or other hideous implement of death (for whatever reason) these are the things I think about in an attempt to keep sane:

  1. Otters. Yep, always at the top of my list.
  2. The fact that I have all 10 fingers and type pretty darn fast (though my keyboard has 2 keys which you really have to press hard on: S and Shift. Drives me CRAZY as it gives me unwarranted typos sometimes and you know how I am about my own typos!!

    Mom shoulda known if I was dressing like this at 11, then I was going to be NOTHING BUT TROUBLE once I hit puberty!!

    Mom shoulda known if I was dressing like this at 11, then I was going to be NOTHING BUT TROUBLE once I hit puberty!!

  3. I still have a wonderful mommy who loves me and has never judged me once in life (even when I used to dress like a total hooker in high school–but I was a good girl, I promise).
  4. I have a precious hubby who cherishes me and is kind every single day to me (no disclaimers on this one!).
  5. I have a wonderful sister who will listen to me bitch and whine and cuss like a truck stop whore without complaint (God bless her!)
  6. I have amazing blog buddies that always make me smile (especially when you cuss a lot for no reason–giggle giggle).
  7. I have loyal and loving friends who put up with my occasionally hibernating ass without complaint.
  8. I have billions of teddy bears that I have a tremendous amount of fun playing with (yeah, I bonkers…I know).
  9. I can always pop a sleeping pill and venture off into LaLa Land (I do NOT recommend this and am really about 98% joking…okay, 97%).
  10. I can go wander around Walgreens. I don’t know why I love doing this. It’s not like the stock changes. I just love to wander the aisles of Walgreens. Yep, I’m a doofus.
  11. Overall, I’ve had a dang good life. There has been tons of heartache and pain, but God has blessed me with the ability to bounce back, and for that I’m eternally grateful.
  12. I could have been born with two noses.
  13. And the all-time best thing my mom ever taught me: This too shall pass.

There are about 100 more items I could put on this list, but my laptop is literally sitting on my lap and is 4000 degrees and catching my muff on fire. Since I don’t want firebush, I’m going to have to stop my list at lucky 13.

HUGS!!!

My New Cookbook!!! (Reblogged from BlondiesBEARista.com) :)

Ummm…I don’t know what clicking a “press this” button does. Is this gonna post on my blog? I hope so!

Check out the wonderful post by the lovely blondiesBEARista.com.

I’m just tickled pink. :)

Thank you so much and thanks to all of you for everything. I’m so happy I have a blogging family that makes me smile every day. I value you guys more than you will ever know.

Now click on this link, follow her blog, and have a lovely evening. :)

My New Cookbook!!!.

PS: In case you didn’t notice, I kept all my Kindle books at $.99 because I’ve been so delighted by the reviews and all the wonderful feedback I’ve gotten that I wanted to keep them on the cheap a bit longer. MUCH LOVE!!!

I’ve become a Happy Hooker! Oh! I mean a Happy Housewife!

Sorry. Sometimes I get the roles of hooker and housewife confused. ;) KIDDING!!!

So, for those of you who know me, you’ll recall that I freaking HATE HATE HATE any kind of cleaning. Well, I’ve been a cleaning mo fo for the last week because my mother-in-law is coming into town tonight to stay for 3 weeks and I wanted the house to be all clean and pretty. We’ve spent a fortune in time and money remodeling the house, so I wanted it to look nice.

One constant cleaning issue we were having is that now that we have wood floors, our vacuum does nothing but blow the bits of junk that accumulate on the floor all over the place. It is SO frustrating!!! It’s like there has never been a home in which anyone ever wanted to vacuum over hard wood. And I gotta tell ya, I ain’t sweeping the dang thing then trying to navigate all that crap into a dustpan–which ALWAYS leaves that little dust line on the floor. I just don’t care that much. I’d rather live in filth.

Because of this complete vacuum fail I went on a mission to find a dang vacuum that would work on hard wood and didn’t cost the 4 million dollars that a Dyson costs. Alas, I FOUND ONE!!! YAY!!! And because I love you guys and I well imagine I’m not the only person with this problem, I thought I’d turn my blog into a Hints from Heloise column and tell you that I found the most amazing little vacuum that costs about $50. And it’s shaped like a V so you can vacuum right up along side the corners of walls and chair legs and table legs. It is Mr. Supreme Bad Ass Vacuum and I love him and want to marry him.

Bissell Vacuum    Bissell Vacuum 2

Okay, I don’t want to marry him, but for ME…ME!!! to blog about a cleaning implement, you know it must be good.

Here’s the link to the Bissell site where I bought it: http://www.bissell.com/poweredge-pet-hard-floor-vacuum/?cid=&et_cid=2325499&et_rid=423784763

You need not have pets to enjoy this kick ass vacuum. It works like magic on tile and hard wood (heh heh… I said “hard wood”–sorry, HAD to go there!).

Also, you get free shipping if you order from Bissell.com and I got a 10% off coupon for signing up for their email list.

I think I now have to go lie down because I’ve forgotten who I truly am. Who is this strange woman blogging about vacuums? It certainly can’t be me. Good grief, NO!

Jodi Ambrose: Best Friend to Both Sexes (Just Don't Ask Her to Cook!)

Reblogged from Wandering Voiceless:

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As I first started reading Jodi's book "Intimacy: How to Get More of It," I gotta say I was moderately insulted. She was giving such simple common-sense advice. I kept thinking, "Really, we need to be told this stuff?"

And then I remembered: people are stupid lack any common sense whatsoever.

So, yes, we really need to be told this stuff.

Read more… 746 more words

HOLY MOLY!! Honest to goodness, you guys are going to make me cry. Thank you so much for the lovely book reviews. It means the world to me!! XOXOXOXOX

Intimacy: How To Get More Of It

Reblogged from Write To Live, Live To Write:

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I've been reading this lovely lady's BLOG for quite some time now, and I have to admit, she is quickly becoming one of my favorite bloggers of all time. She is funny, she isn't afraid to speak her mind, and she is more than willing to help out her fellow bloggers as is evidenced by THIS post for yours truly a couple of weeks ago.

Read more… 666 more words

HOLY COW! Seriously, I love you guys so much! Miss Liz, who you guys will remember from the Super Hero Challenge, wrote this lovely blog post about my Intimacy book. Thank you, sweet girl, for your lovely words. They mean so very much to me!! :) XOXOXOXO Go check out her blog, everyone. Make a new blog buddy. Love all you guys!

Earning Extra Credit Points With Author Jodi Ambrose

Reblogged from Dambreaker:

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"My philosophy of life: Wake up. Be happy. Hurt no one. Go to bed. Wake up. Repeat."~ Jodi Ambrose

No this is not my personal way to kiss ass, this is extra credit. Doing above and beyond what was asked for.

Jodi Ambrose found this blog last May and she and I have been keeping in touch through one another's blog ever since.

Read more… 997 more words

Holy moly! What on earth? Did I pay him? This is so cool and amazing and I'm so tickled I could puke. THANK YOU for the lovely blog post and book reviews. It means the world to me. Simply delightful... XOXOXOXOXO

I like big words and I cannot lie! (But NOT if they make no sense, dammit!!!!)

.Big Bootie!

I’m shakin’ my ass all over the place now that the Big Butts song is stuck in my head!! ;)

Alas, I digress. Let’s get down to it!

Good grief. People drive me bonkers.

All of you guys know that I like to rant and fume about grammar, punctuation, word choice, etc… I find it fun (if not horribly hypocritical since I make mistakes all the time!) to throw fits over the ways that people speak and write. I’m a hideous person. I know.  ;)

I  also know that I like to occasionally use words that are longer than 6 letters. Not because they are longer than 6 letters, but because they fit with what I’m trying to say. I’m an old (stress the word old) English major, so I’ve read a bunch and know a fair amount of words.

BUT!!!! What I do NOT do is throw in 25 cent words to try and make myself sound smart because guess what? It doesn’t make anyone sound smart to use big words for the sole purpose of using big words and confusing people. It only makes the person speaking (or writing) look like an insecure asshat when they use words, especially buzz words, to sound all fancy.

This drives me insane: “I’m smarter than you because I said, ‘wheelhouse, out of the box and quorum’ all in one sentence! Don’t you feel dumb that you didn’t understand my sentence at all? You should, because I’m smart and use words in a way that no one gets because I’m brilliant and you are stupid.”

I swear, people who speak like that make me want to pull my hair out for several reasons. 1) Stop being a pompus ass! 2) You aren’t communicating effectively, you retarded moron 3) You are clearly incredibly insecure because you are trying to sound smart by confusing everyone with your idiotic words.

If no one understands you, then maybe you shouldn’t speak? What’cha think about that? I personally like that idea.

If you say this sentence, “I think we should meet on Friday to discuss the project,” like this, “I am in favor of uniting a quorum of individuals to address which artifacts should be discussed in our iterative meeting  based on the developmental progress of our deliverable on the last day of the work week,” I immediately want to kill you. And not just kill you, but KILL YOU kill you. Painfully. With malice. Some kind of medieval or Shakespearean kind of death.

Why oh why does anyone think they sound smart by speaking like that? Why? Help me understand. I don’t get it. It’s so annoying and frustrating and makes me feel sorry for you. I think to myself, “Awwww…that poor fucking idiot must feel so small and stupid that they think speaking like a research paper being graded on a per-word basis makes them sound smart.”

Sorry, I know that my filter removal is at an all-time high (especially the death threats) but I’m constantly surrounded by people who do that and it makes me want to jam pencils into my ears while screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

ScreamingOtter

Communication, effective communication, is all about speaking or writing in a way in which people are able to, wait for it… understand what you are saying. If you aren’t effectively communicating, then why bother speaking?

My heart goes out to people who are so insecure. I want to both shake the shit out of them and pat their little insecure heads and tell them it’ll all be okay.

Alrighty, I’m done. All these words have worn me out. I’m going mono-syllabic for the rest of the day. (Right!!) ;)

$.99 Kick Ass Book Special Almost Over. Let the Weeping Begin! ;)

$.99 to get some yummy nookie, tons of cuddles and scrumptious tasty treats for only a few more days! Holy cow!

    New Sex Book Cover 225 pixels wide black outline    New Intimacy Book Cover Small with black border 1-20-13    Book Cover Small

You guys all kick ass for being some book buying mo fos! :) I am thrilled at how many of you have taken advantage of my $.99 get your nookie-, intimacy- and food-on special!!

Since there is less than a week left of the special before the books go back to full price, rather than cost, I wanted to do one more blog post so that anyone who missed the first one could still grab ‘em up while they’re on the cheap! ;)

  • If you read the first blog on this, but didn’t get any books, then READ WHAT’S BELOW! ;)
  • If you read the first blog on this and did get some books, then ignore the rest of this one and know that I love you dearly.
  • If you didn’t read the first blog on this then read on my friend and grab some book goodies for the next few days.

Here’s how this is gonna go down. (All the purpley text below are links that’ll take you to the books.)

First, for those of you with Nooks, I lowered the price as low as they’ll let me go to $.99 for both Sex: How to Get More of It and Intimacy: How to Get More of It. I’m going to leave the price at $.99 for another few days so that you have plenty of time to download them. The cookbook is not on Nook as formatting the bullets and numbered lists is a friggin’ bitch and the cookbook is chock full of both bullets and numbered lists. Just the idea of the 200 hours it’d take to format it (and it would still look poopy!) makes me wanna kill myself, but there is a solution, which I’ll share in a minute. So, if you wanted to get copies of the “how to have a kick ass relationship” books, but I either ran out of hard copies during the giveaway or you live in another country or you just prefer having books on your Nook, then this is your time to get them nearly free. :) Woo hoo!

After the $.99 pricing is over, I’m going to temporarily make Sex and Intimacy unavailable on the Nook and join a program called Kindle Select. By doing so, Kindle Select makes you remove your books from sale anywhere else electronically for 3 months, which is why I’ll have to take them off the Nook on B&N.com.

Now, for those of you with Kindles, I also dropped the price of both Sex: How to Get More of It and Intimacy: How to Get More of It  down to $.99 (the lowest price Kindle allows) for the next few days. Yay!

But wait, there’s more! For the next few days I’ll also keep the Kindle price of Darn Good Eats down to $.99. Yay!

If you don’t have a Kindle or a Nook, fear not! Kindle has free apps you can download to your desktop computer, laptop computer, iPad, iPhone, Android phone, etc…which allow you to read Kindle books without an actual Kindle. Here’s the link to download those apps: KINDLE APPS. (This link is for the US Kindle/Amazon page, but it’s available for all countries. Just go to either of the Kindle links for my books on your own country’s Amazon page and you should see a link on the right-hand side of the screen that’ll take you to the page to download the readers.)

Last, but not least, one more goodie for you! Also, for the next few days, I’m going to keep the price of the paperbacks for Sex, Intimacy and Darn Good Eats dropped down to cost on Amazon. I can’t drop the price on the paperbacks on Barnes & Noble or I’ll actually owe them money for selling my books. How crazy is that???? So, pretty please get them on Amazon.

Here are the lowest prices they’ll allow me to sell the paperbacks for since they cost money to print (in US pricing, though I brought the international pricing down as low as they’d let me too!) :) :

Just as with the hard-copy giveaway, if you guys wouldn’t terribly mind, if you like the books you read or feel like you learned something valuable from them, would you pretty please with a cherry on top write a kick ass review on Amazon? I would appreciate it more than you could ever know. :) :)

I hope for the next few days you guys are some downloading maniacs and that you enjoy the books tremendously. Tons of love! :)

Guess I shouldn't advertise such things in public!

Guess I shouldn’t advertise such things in public!

Broken teeth, drugs, blog coma

Hello my dear blog buddies!

I know I’ve been a bit absent and I feel bad that I haven’t responded to any comments in the last few days. I broke a tooth a couple of weeks ago and have been in and out of a torture chamber (read that as dentist and endodontist offices) non-stop ever since and still am not done being slowly killed by needles, drills and partially removed teeth. OUCH DAMMIT!! I’ve been medicated on Vicodin and now steroids to try and calm down the raging nerves and just haven’t had the energy to do anything except pray for a quick death.

I promise I’ll be back soon to thank all of you for your amazing help with the Superhero Challenge. I appreciate all of the help you’ve given Liz more than I can say.

Tip o’the day: Do NOT chew on olives with pits. The pit always wins.

This is representative of both how my tooth and I feel about EVER going back to the dentist!

This is representative of  how both my tooth and I feel about EVER going back to the dentist!