Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Fuck no! ;)

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Yes, yes…I know. I’ve been gone forever. I have no good excuse (but I’m gonna give you several!) except that I needed a break.

EXCUSE 1: Sex? What’s sex?

Between twitter, FB and the 10 other sites I manage, I just had to put my foot down and realize that the hubby needed more sex from me! Too much time on the computer is not good.

KIDDING!!! He was still gettin’ it good. But I felt like I was only giving him one ear in the evenings cause my brain was in my computer all the time. That is a no-no.

EXCUSE 2: All work and no play make Jodi a raving lunatic.

The day job is killing me! I average about 65 hours a week doing nothing but using my brain to the best of its ability. My job isn’t one where you get a little brain downtime. It’s non-stop, all day long, until I run out of the house tearing out my hair and begging for the neighbors to shoot me. I thought it would have settled down by now, but not yet. Alas, the thought of even looking at a computer once the work day is over makes me rather ill.

EXCUSE 3: That mother fuckin’ Atkins diet about put me in the hospital.

I have NEVER felt worse in my life. I, and I kid you not, was falling unconscious at 6pm and sleeping like I was in a coma until the alarm would wake me up at 7am. It was horrible. And my poor tummy…man, my body does not like all that protein! Total suck.

So, please forgive my Exit Stage Left without warning. I feel like a schmuck as I love you guys and really have missed you. I just need work to calm down a bit so that I can happily embrace my computer after the workday is done.

Oh, and I’ve had two chickens die in the last month…one of old age and another one (one of the replacement-so-wifey-isn’t-sad-about-dead-chicken chickens) who drowned when our back yard had its monthly irrigation. Poor little critter. So yes, I’ve been a bit off lately. But will be back soon enough and then you’ll wish I’d stayed hidden! ;)

In an effort to say I’m sorry I’m going to do another Kindle book giveaway this upcoming Friday-Tuesday. I’ll post details later, but since you all live so far away from me I don’t know what else to do to say LOVE YA except give you free stuff.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

 

 

One of my FAVORITE Christmas presents ever!

Meet Dicknose!

My Friend Dicknose

Is that the most insane looking teddy bear you’ve ever seen?

My mom shrieked with both horror and delight when she saw it.

She said, “Only you would immediately fall in love with a dick teddy.” Which made me crack the fuck up. I love my sassy 75 year old mommy. :)

Grant gave this to me as he knows I love both cute, adorable, plush teddies and the defective, unlovable (except by me), deformed, mutant teddies.

Believe it or not, Dicknose is based off of a real creature.

Trust me when I say you do NOT want to see it. You’ll vomit. You’ll never want to eat any kind of any thing that comes out of the water ever again.

But, you may want to go to your local sex shop and rent a hooker or buy an “appendage” for entertainment.

Again, don’t do it, but click here if you want to see the thing this teddy is based on. View at your own risk! ;)

PS: Woo hoo! This is my 200th post! :) Thanks for reading all of my insanity! ;)

I miss my favorite word, so YOU have to suffer!

Alrighty then. I’m sneaking writing this post on a computer that I shouldn’t be on, but I’m a rule breaker dammit, so I’m doin’ it anyway! ;)

First, may I tell you that I’ve been working my poor little brain to a nub. And I’ve had to do it in a professional environment. And you know what that means don’t you? It means I’ve not been able to say, “Fuck” nearly enough and I’m in withdrawl. I mean SERIOUS withdrawl. It’s just my favorite word…

As a tribute to it, I’m nabbing pics off the internet that make me happy. They are all awful and offensive and no one should view this blog from HERE down.

image credit: thaumaturgical.com

image credit: thaumaturgical.com

image from: thaumaturgical.com

image from: thaumaturgical.com

thaumaturgical.com

thaumaturgical.com

Image Credit: s50.photobucket.com

Image Credit: s50.photobucket.com

Image Credit: www.demotivationalposters.org GOTTA LOVE A BAD ASS ANTEATER!

Image Credit: http://www.demotivationalposters.org
GOTTA LOVE A BAD ASS ANTEATER!

Whew…I feel so much better now!

I hope you have enjoyed my hideously foul mouth (well, not really mouth…fingers? attitude? hmmm…). If not, I’m terribly sorry, but I warned you, remember?

Okay, I have to get back to the day job. I hope at least some of these made you giggle and not just recoil from your screen.

Love you guys!

…til my next computer theiving adventure. :) XOXO

OH! I almost hit Publish before I mentioned that my newest article in The Acquiring Man magazine just came out. If you want some tips for being happy (and, of course, getting nookie) go read it. :)

 

 

Farewell Evil Computer…Hello Awesome Hamster!

So this nightmarish, pissing me off, wanna take a bat to it computer is off to the shop tomorrow! Woo hoo!

Sorry I’ve been so utterly unavailable, but typing with my left hand only (I’m right handed) while I hold the power cord in with my right hand SUCKS DONKEY BALLS! ;) Once I get my computer back, I too will be back with a vengeance and you’ll all want to run for your lives! ;)

To bid you adieu for a short time, I’m going to leave you with a little video treat of me and my hamster. It’s only about 90 seconds and it builds to the final payoff at the end (unlike porn where the climax comes early–no pun intended!).

Enjoy my furry little friend and I’ll talk to you all when I get my ‘puter back.

HUGS and TONS OF LOVE!

Oh and forgive the ungodly mess and all the squished teddy bears in the floor! This is the room where we are storing everything as we remodel the living room, so it is not pretty. Not pretty at all. :)

My Computer Hates Me, But Owlie Loves Me!

Howdy everyone!

I have not died nor decided to shun electricity! I have a computer whose A/C jack isn’t functional so I can only get on my computer if I HOLD the fuckin’ cord in, and even then it doesn’t stay on half the time. UGH!!! Dummyheaded technology! ;)

BUT! Until it gets fixed (please God this week) I wanted to quickly post a few pictures from my recent wildlife adventure. It was truly awesome. Once I can type again with both hands, I’ll post tons of pics and give you all the fun details of my commune with all things furry!

Meet Owlie. He actually grabbed my hair with his feet as he flew by, which made me very happy I wasn’t a toupee-wearing man! ;)

Owlie!

More Owlie

Owlie the Great!

Owlie Kicks Ass

Ain't Owlie Pretty?

And for those of you who like precious little baby bears, here’s a sneak preview of bear love to come!

I love Bears!

HUGS!!

 

Utterly Random Babbling from a Fruitcake

Actually, I don’t like fruitcake. I do like banana nut bread though. Mmmmm…banana nut bread. Now I want some. I do think I’m going to make some funnel cakes this weekend. Talk about yummy and SO healthy!! ;) Lord, my ass grew 3 inches just thinking about funnel cake. :)

Since a bunch of you have asked where I ran off to last week and why I haven’t been around its because the hubby and I went to visit his family last week in Minnesota. The weather was AWESOME! Nice and cool and cloudy and the trees were so colorful. It was just beautiful. Why someone like me, who hates heat and the awful torturer known as the sun, lives in AZ is beyond me. I’m not bright, I guess.

Okay, so for my rambling thoughts (and they are rambles, let me warn you!! As a matter of fact, no one should even read this. Run from your computer now!!!).

  1. People who are dickfaces can suck it. How’s that as a start? ;) I say this because in the last couple of weeks I ran up against a dickface. (Ooohhh, that sounds dirty…) I try to never surround myself with such people because my normally agreeable, fairly sweet self gets stuffed into a jar and the “Don’t fuck with me or I’ll cut you” side of me comes bubbling out. For example, back when I used to party in Scottsdale some of the funnest times I had were slowly disassembling cocky assholes at bars until they were fetal and crying for mommy. I just can’t take it when a guy comes up and essentially says, “I’m the shit (ummmm…no). I’m hot (they rarely are). I’m rich (they never are). I’m drive a fancy car (leased and paid for by them and their 9 roommates). I only like girls with fake tits (mine are real, douchebag). I don’t like girls with opinions (as that means you have to actually think to have a proper conversation). I’ll buy you a drink, but expect head as a thank you (on this they are never kidding). Everyone loves me–I know you do too (not in your wildest dreams, mo fo).” While I’m sure a better person than me would just blow them off, every one and I while I get a little hot in the blood and have to verbally throw down until my opponent is decimated. I know this makes me a bad person (it doesn’t happen that often!) but I just cannot suffer fools and people who behave like that just fuel my fire. I know there is the female equivalent to my bar guy, so gentlemen don’t think I don’t understand that chicks can be just as annoying. :)
  2. If you are not happy with your life, change it. I know this is WAY easier said than done. I know there is no magic wand that we can just wave and BING! we’re rich, happy, healthy and built like a brick shit house. But there are things one can do to make life a little happier. All this constant sulking and blaming and whining and blah blah blah is so pointless. Don’t get me wrong. I occasionally sulk and whine. Everyone gets to do that every once and a while. But to just live life like that is a waste. First step to a happier life? Cut the people who make you want to kill things out of your life. If you can’t stand them or they make you unhappy, choose to not be around them. If they don’t like that, tough shit. They need to be nicer or then can go screw.
  3. I need a ranch. Yep. One of these days, I’m going to have a ranch with chickens and goats. I want the little pygmy goats that are black and white and look like cow-goats. Then they’ll also look like my Moopy kitty. I’ll have a Moopy Cat and Moopy Goats. Ahhh…sounds like heaven.
  4. While I love traveling in first class, there shouldn’t be one. I got Grant and myself an upgrade on the way to Minnesota and it was HEAVEN!!! You can see how much we enjoyed it by the pic. Even the teddies were in heaven. Yes, we travel with teddies. But I digress. If they could just give everyone a speck more room and treat everyone with a little more dignity, then we could ALL be happier on a plane. I understand they can’t give out free food and drinks to a plane full of people. They’d go bankrupt. But if we could just get a little more space and not (in most, but not all, cases) be treated like a chore, then those sitting in coach may not want to burn down all of first class.

    Tick Teddy and Dopple Bear having the time of their lives! DRUNKS!!

  5. I miss my furries when I’m away from them. I guess this is how people with kids must feel when they are away from the kiddos for an extended period of time. I wanted my little kitties in my lap while I was out of town. I missed their stupid retardedness so much. I love me a FuzzyButt and Moopers. :)
  6. I”m never happier than when I’m at a zoo with my honeypie. :) That one kinda speaks for itself.

    Grant and me on our 5 year 1st date anniversary. :)

  7. I’m going to be a photographer at a wedding in 2 weeks. Woo Hoo! I’m terrified that I’ll fuck it all up, but deep down I know I won’t. I usually take pretty darn good pictures, so hopefully I won’t go blind between now and then. A friend of mine has been with her guy for 17 years (and she’s only like 35!) and they are finally tying the knot. Can you see why I’d be scared to death to have that responsibility? But I figure if I take 2000 pics, I can find at least 10 that’ll be presentable. Keep your fingers crossed, please!! :)
  8. Quartz countertops stain. DON’T BELIEVE ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THEY DON’T!!! Liars!!! We just redid our kitchen and when deciding on a countertop I told the lady that we needed something that wouldn’t stain. I was willing to get a super-dark counter (even though the white is so pretty and clean looking) if it meant that it would be worry free. The LIAR told me that I could let coffee and red wine sit on the white quartz for 2 years and it wouldn’t stain. Ummmm…NOT TRUE! My brand new, expensive countertop SUCKS. The countertop inspector guy is coming over in an hour to look at it. I can only hope he can figure something out because if I have to sue Home Depot, I will.
  9. I have THE best Mommy ever!The more I hear people’s stories, and see first hand, what other people have had to deal with when they have moms that aren’t so sweet and loving, I appreciate my mommy more and more. I’m pretty sure my mom has never said an unkind word to me in my entire life. My mom is a sweet little Southern Baptist and when I was in my teens I dressed like a street whore and listened to AC/DC. She never once made me feel judged or unloved. Ultimately, I was a pretty good girl. Yeah, I drank my share and may have puffed off of a few things that burned, but I was always a nice kid and never got into really bad things. I mean, I never went to school, but I ended up pretty well in terms of education. Through all of this, my mom never criticized me. Don’t get me wrong, she was tough. We couldn’t cuss (can you IMAGINE????). We had ridiculously early curfews and got severely grounded if we were late. She didn’t put up with any backtalk or any bullshit, but she understood that we were individuals, so she let us fly high our freak flags. :) God bless a good mommy.

    Yep, that’s me 100 years ago with a can of Busch beer and no, that is not cigarette smoke in the air.

    Okay, I’ve got to go get ready for the kitchen inspector. If you actually stayed the course and read this tome, bless your heart. I was just having Random Thought Friday and thought I’d share. :) Have a great weekend, everyone! :) XOXO

    PS: I know “countertop” is two words, but it should be one word, so I took a stand! ;)

I’m going to cry. I never cry, but I’m gonna. Poop.

My sweet babies Chipmunk Chicken and Mouthy

As you guys know, for Christmas my wonderful hubby surprised me with 2 sweet baby chickens. I’d wanted chickens for years and years and I was so excited. We went and picked out our little furry guys; one we named Chipmunk Chicken because he looked like a chipmunk and the other we named Mouthy because she made so much adorable noise. Grant built them a big wooden coop and a fenced-in yard with a sunroof so they wouldn’t overheat in the blistering hot summer. They live in chicken paradise.

Well, Chipmunk Chicken grew up to be a boy–quite the surprise, but he was just so cute and sweet it didn’t even matter. Although I’m sure it probably mattered to our little girl chicken as she was the victim of chicken rape about 10 times a day. Poor little critter.

Look ma! I can stand on one leg! I’m a talented chicken!

The great thing about our chickens was that since I raised them since they were a week old, they knew me and every time I’d come outside they’d get all excited and start making noise and running around like crazy chickens. It was pure awesomeness.

Until Wednesday. Animal control dropped by and threatened us with a $2,500 fine and up to 6 months in the pokey if we didn’t get rid of our grown up Chipmunk Raper chicken. I could rob a 7-11 or molest a goat and get less time in jail. Apparently, one of our other (dick!) neighbors complained. Now, I understand if we lived in a quiet neighborhood that my chicken may have been noisy and annoying, but all you ever hear is a cacophony of a million dogs barking all day and night. Non-stop. Loudly. Irritatingly. My chicken, by comparison, was mute.

Fear the chicken wrath! I’m a big chicken!

So, I asked my nextdoor neighbor (who the day before asked me if we wanted any of their hens as they were about to chop all their heads off–NOOOOO!) if she knew of anywhere that would take my beloved little chicken and not kill him. I also asked if she’d sent her chickens to heaven yet and if not, could I have one for my soon-to-be-lonely little hen? She, being an AWESOME neighbor, asked a relative who owns a farm if they’d take my little critter without beheading him and they agreed. Thank God. We did the chicken swap yesterday and now I have my Mouthy chicken and a new chicken, but no Chipmunk Rapey chicken anymore.

Happiest chicken mommy ever to have lived.

I guess it’s good because at least we got to save one from the chopping block in my neighbor’s backyard, but I miss my little pet so much. And I’m not the only one. My Mouthy chicken, who got much quieter as she got older, won’t stop crying. Now, I know you think I’ve crossed the line into insanity when I say that. I mean, can a chicken be sad? I know I can sometimes personify animals, but this chicken went from hardly making a sound the last 6 months to making this pathetic little warble. She just sits there, not moving, and making the saddest, most plaintive little noises. Even when I go into their yard to play with her, she just sits there crying her little chicken cry. There are few things on earth that sound sadder than that. I know she misses him. They were always together. Honest to goodness, never more than 2 feet apart. They slept cuddled together. They roosted together. They played together. It was so damn precious.

Here’s a video of my little babies the day we brought them home. Beware, I have my my mommy voice goin’ on so I sound a bit like a dim bulb idiot tard, but you’ll be able to tell I’m obviously in love with the little buggers.

Anyway, just wanted to share my sad little chicken story. My heart’s kinda broken…

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!

I love furry things. Most of you know that by now. The furrier the better. So, I thought I’d share with you a few of my favorite pics from over the years. I love photography and would happily sit in a jungle all day (well, one without mosquitoes) to get pictures of cute critters.

Hang on, did I just write a post with no sarcasm? Hmmm…not sure I know what to do with that. ;)

I LOVE HIS FURRY LITTLE NOGGIN! I wanna eat him!!!

Think he’d let me nuzzle his neck without eating my face?

I LOVE HIM!!! He was eating a banana I gave him. When I turned these pics in, 100 years ago, to get them cropped, the owner of the photography studio stole my negatives, entered my pictures into a wildlife photography contest and won awards with my sweet little groundhog pics. I sincerely wanted to burn his house to the ground.

OH MY GOD! Look at the furry chicken! Look at those feet!!!

This little cuddlebear posed for me for 10 minutes. Yet another critter I wanna eat in a non-eaty way. ;)