Why Was I Talking About Dipping Your Wick Into Places It Doesn’t Belong? Ah ha! The Answer At Last!

Hello, all my lovelies!

About a month ago I posted a poll on whether or not you guys thought it was a betrayal to seek sexual satisfaction from real, live people outside of your relationship via phone or computer.

A big thanks to all of you for your thoughtful responses and poll answering.

It was so hard for me not to spew my opinion all over the place when I wrote that post, but I didn’t want to sway anyone’s thoughts on the matter before they had a chance to comment or vote. Of course now, I’m nothin’ but sass mouth on the topic!! ;)

In case you’re wondering, I used the info from that poll to write my latest article for The Acquiring Man magazine.

If you voted or just wanna see the article, click HERE or on the pic below (dang, that chick is hot!).

acquiring man is it cheating

PS: there is one typo in the article that is repeated 4 times that is making my brain itch! But the editor is going to fix them. He added the line because it’s a great summary of the article–I should have included it myself, so I’m glad he added it in. But as you guys know, I can be a grammar nazi, so forgive the missing apostrophe for now. :)

Mouthy Broad Alert!

Howdy!

Thank GOD it’s Fuckin’ Friday!!! I swear, my poor little noggin has processed more information this week than it knows what to do with. My brain sponge is full and leaking everywhere. I think I’ve lost memories all the way up to 6th grade.

Yes, that means I’ve forgotten the days when this was my outfit of choice:

Nothing But Trouble

 

So, since I’m now worthless and plan on doing nothing but staring at the TV while drooling (and possibly treating myself to chocolate chip pancakes) for the rest of the day, I thought I’d share that you can check out (read, LIVE BY, obey) my new article at Acquiring Man Magazine. (In case it’s not clear, click either “new article” or HERE to go read it. Yeah, I’m a smart ass…no two ways about it!)  ;)

Love you guys! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend full of chocolate, nookie, furry animals and more chocolate.

Wait…that’s what my weekend is going to look like.

May yours look equally awesome!

AND HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

Mom’s kick ass!!

XOXOXOXOXO

FREE Books! Just for you! (And everyone else.) :)

Okay, I promised that I’d do another book giveaway and the time is nigh! ;)

You can download to your Kindle, or any other freaking device on earth onto which you can download the Kindle reader, any or ALL of my 3 books (download the reader by clicking HERE).

Just go to my Amazon age (yep, click HERE to get there) and let the downloading frenzy begin!

Last time I did my Kindle giveaway all of the books went to #1 (HOLY SHIT CAKES!) on the Kindle Free Top 100 list (my mom was very proud!). Totally freaking cool! I was quite delighted, to say the least. I have to admit, I wouldn’t complain if that happened again.

If you like any of them, I’d be forever grateful if you’d leave a great review. I’d offer you my first born, but as I’m a childless old bat that would be an empty promise. Will eternal gratitude suffice?

Here are the 5-day freebies, in case you have no clue as to what I spout on and on about. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

Anyway, I hope you guys love them–that they make you laugh and help you to have the most joyful lives and happiest taste buds.

Oh, maybe telling you when this is going to happen would be a fine and dandy idea… Duh… Drool…

Friday, May 2nd – Tuesday, May 6th.

I picked those days as my dad’s birthday falls during them so it’s kinda a shout out to pops for his birthday. Good grief, I’m a sentimental old fuck. ;)

Love you guys! Enjoy! XOXOXOXO

PS: Tell all your friends to get their free copies too. Who couldn’t use good food and happiness and maybe even some naughty nookie?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Fuck no! ;)

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Yes, yes…I know. I’ve been gone forever. I have no good excuse (but I’m gonna give you several!) except that I needed a break.

EXCUSE 1: Sex? What’s sex?

Between twitter, FB and the 10 other sites I manage, I just had to put my foot down and realize that the hubby needed more sex from me! Too much time on the computer is not good.

KIDDING!!! He was still gettin’ it good. But I felt like I was only giving him one ear in the evenings cause my brain was in my computer all the time. That is a no-no.

EXCUSE 2: All work and no play make Jodi a raving lunatic.

The day job is killing me! I average about 65 hours a week doing nothing but using my brain to the best of its ability. My job isn’t one where you get a little brain downtime. It’s non-stop, all day long, until I run out of the house tearing out my hair and begging for the neighbors to shoot me. I thought it would have settled down by now, but not yet. Alas, the thought of even looking at a computer once the work day is over makes me rather ill.

EXCUSE 3: That mother fuckin’ Atkins diet about put me in the hospital.

I have NEVER felt worse in my life. I, and I kid you not, was falling unconscious at 6pm and sleeping like I was in a coma until the alarm would wake me up at 7am. It was horrible. And my poor tummy…man, my body does not like all that protein! Total suck.

So, please forgive my Exit Stage Left without warning. I feel like a schmuck as I love you guys and really have missed you. I just need work to calm down a bit so that I can happily embrace my computer after the workday is done.

Oh, and I’ve had two chickens die in the last month…one of old age and another one (one of the replacement-so-wifey-isn’t-sad-about-dead-chicken chickens) who drowned when our back yard had its monthly irrigation. Poor little critter. So yes, I’ve been a bit off lately. But will be back soon enough and then you’ll wish I’d stayed hidden! ;)

In an effort to say I’m sorry I’m going to do another Kindle book giveaway this upcoming Friday-Tuesday. I’ll post details later, but since you all live so far away from me I don’t know what else to do to say LOVE YA except give you free stuff.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

 

 

Knight on a Steed…

Or Jester on a Jackass? Find out! ;)

Yeppers, my new article came out just a few minutes ago at Acquiring Man mag. Just wanted to let ya know in case you, well, want more nookie! I know. I’m a perv.

XO

February Acquiring Man Article Graphic

“Gotta have it or I might die” fudge recipe

Since you guys seemed to enjoy the macaroni salad recipe (except Mondrak who doesn’t like macaroni–WTF my friend!? ;) ) I thought I’d give you another one. We’ve had the appetizer and now it’s time to go straight to dessert!

Below is my all-time favorite fudge recipe. I made a double batch for Christmas and gave my mom a ton of it. She was in her 7th heaven.

Again, this is straight from the cookbook as I ain’t retyping all that! ;)

Best Damn Chocolate Fudge on Earth

This recipe used to be on the side of the Domino’s™ Powdered Sugar box when I was a kid. For some dumb reason they stopped putting it on there years ago. Luckily, my mom found a copy of it that I’d jotted down in 1980 and we all get to benefit from that cheat sheet. I hope I’m not violating some horrible recipe copyright law here, but this recipe is too good to not pass along.

Oh, and the paper this recipe is written on is the same paper my mom used to write our absent-from-school notes on and the same paper on which I used to use to forge those same notes when I was a teenager. Ahh…the memories this little pink piece of paper brings back.

Fudge Recipe

Goodies from the store:

  • 1 pound box of Domino’s™ Powdered Sugar
  • 1/2 cup of cocoa powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon of salt
  • 6 tablespoons of salted butter
  • 4 tablespoons of milk
  • 1 tablespoon of REAL vanilla extract (no imitation allowed!)

Whipping up the fudge:

  1. Butter the bottom and sides of an 8×8 or 9×9 pan.
  2. Using a double boiler, add all ingredients and cook on low to medium, stirring until the fudge is smooth. If you don’t have a double boiler, use a non-stick pot on the lowest heat setting, stirring constantly.
  3. Pour into the pan and refrigerate.

One reason this fudge is awesomely perfect is because it’s not like any other fudge you can buy. This fudge is more crumbly and velvety. Now, if you are thinking that doesn’t sound as good as smooth, creamy fudge, you will change your mind after eating this. It is amazing. I like to keep it refrigerated as I think it tastes best when it’s cold. I take a piece and let it sit on my tongue and dissolve. If I could live off of this fudge, I would. Were I single and didn’t care about prematurely meeting my Maker, I’d eat only this until I died of malnutrition.

Enjoy everyone! XOXO

Free books and a little tit (for tat!)

..

Does anyone else have a room in their house which is the Collect All room? A room where all the “I don’t know where this shit goes!” goes? Lord knows I do. I have about 3 of them. Okay, I’m not that bad…but close! The reason I’m telling you that I’m a pack rat psycho who has one room whose door is always shut in fear that someone, anyone, might see inside it is that I finally decided to clean it up. Ugh. What an undertaking. It’s been on my to-do list for about 6 months and I finally started on it tonight.

Why, you may ask, did I decide to actually clean something (cause you KNOW I hate cleaning!)? Well, because I’m a bit wrecked on pain killers as I broke a tooth last week. OH MY GOD does that fucking thing hurt. It hurts right now. I wanna chop off my own head to stop the hurt. OUCHY!!! The reason this hideous pain has inspired me to clean a bit is that I take a pain pill, fall asleep, wake up screaming in agony a few hours later and then have to do something to take my mind off my nightmarish misery while the next pill kicks in. I’ve decided that cleaning The Room from Hell is how I can distract myself from grabbing a pair of pliers and self-extricating the sonofabitching tooth.

How this has led me to Free Books and a Little Tit (for tat, you perverts!) is that I found a stash of all 3 of my books that I didn’t realize I had. I have 24 Sex: How to Get More of It. 28 Intimacy: How to Get More of It. And about 25 Darn Good Eats cookbooks (with the black and white interior). The Sex and Intimacy books don’t have the updated cover and some of them even have my author’s pic as me being a red head. So, when I found the books it sparked an idea (2 actually). Shocking, I know.

Idea one:

I will happily mail you a copy of one or more of my books on-the-house (I’ll even pay for shipping) in exchange for a review on Amazon (and any other place you wanna put it, but definitely Amazon). Now, this is not me bribing you. If you don’t like a book, I don’t want you to say you did–that is dishonest and poopy. I only want people who genuinely enjoyed the books or learned something valuable to leave reviews on Amazon. Obviously, if you hate a book I’d prefer you didn’t leave a review. Especially one like this, “That Jodi bitch can go suck it! I hate her. I hate her books. I’m going to burn her house down and eat her cats while she watches.” I’d feel pretty stupid if I paid to ship them to you and then you publicly ripped me to shreds. That would kinda blow. But if you like them, I’d super appreciate kick ass reviews. That would pretty much rule.

If you’d like to participate in this (keeping in mind I have a limited amount of books) email me at authorjodiambrose@gmail.com and give me your mailing address, your name (for those of you who go incognito on WordPress) and the books you’d like copies of.

  • Ladies, you can have any/all of my 3 books. Even though the Sex book was written for men, I get tons of feedback from chicks that they love it, so you can have that one too if ya want it.
  • Gentlemen, you can have the Sex book and/or the Darn Good Eats cookbook. Trust me, you do NOT want to read the Intimacy book that I wrote for chicks unless you want to read about menstrual cycles and things of the like.

Before you email me and request the Sex or Intimacy books (the cookbook is G-rated, so it’s not an issue), just remember that I’m a mouthy broad. If you follow this blog you know that I love to cuss, have a smart ass mouth and pretty much tell it like it is. The Sex and Intimacy books are just like that (though they have less cussing than my typical blog–totally unbelievable, I know), so if you know ahead of time that you’re going to be offended and hate them, please don’t ask me to send them to you. I truly want people to enjoy the books and be happier as a result–if you think that might be you, then definitely email me with which books you’d like.

One small caveat: Idea one is for US residents only. I am sooooo sorry my dear friends who are not here in the US, but it’s sooooo expensive mailing you stuff I’d go broke. I spent $47 mailing 2 books last week–one to Canada and one to New Zealand. I love you guys, but I just can’t afford all that. I would if I could–I promise, because you know I love your accent-having-asses even more than I love otters.

Now for idea 2, in which everyone can participate.

Idea two:

I always want my books to be as affordable as possible. As you guys know Darn Good Eats comes in both a black & white interior version (inexpensive) and a full-color interior version (slightly more expensive) so that everyone can afford it. I never want anyone to want to read one of my books but not have the bucks to do it. So, I thought I’d combine the Sex book and the Intimacy book into one book so that I could essentially sell both books for the price of one.

Here’s where you guys and your awesomeness comes in. I would love your help in naming the book. If you’ve read them, you know what’s in them and could probably come up with some amazing, fun and witty suggestions. If you haven’t read them (and don’t participate in Idea one above) you can always go to Amazon and do the Look Inside to see the first few pages of each book. That’ll give you a good idea about their content. Click here to preview Sex. Click here to preview Intimacy.

In exchange for your wonderful book title ideas, whoever either comes up with the name I end up using or the person whose suggestion sparks my imagination into finding just the right name, will get credit in the book and a link to their blog or other website. This way, all my readers get to see how wonderfully talented you are in naming books, and having your blog/website address in the book (both hard copy and digital) should help drive more traffic to your own personal awesomeness.

You can either leave your book title suggestions here (give me as many as you’d like–the more the merrier) as a comment or if you want to email it (them) to me feel free to email me at: authorjodiambrose@gmail.com.

See, there’s all kinds of tit for tat going on here!

OH, and one last thing–for those of you who have read one or more of the books and are now at least slightly happier, if you have a pic of you and your honey that you’d like to share with me, I’m thinking (not guaranteeing though) of doing a happy-reader-photo-collage either on the cover or inside of the new combo book. If you’d like to see your and your honey’s smiling faces in print, send me a pic WITH CLOTHES ON YOU BUNCH OF PERVS and it may just appear in the upcoming book. I thought it would be fun to actually show the happy faces of people who’ve been helped by my books. :) Please know that by sending me the pic you are giving me full rights to use the photo both in print and digitally from now until the end of time. I won’t edit the photo at all except to possibly crop it or do some color correction (if necessary).

Click on any of the book covers below to visit their page on Amazon if you want to read more about them or read reviews from other people. That info may help you decide which books you want me to send you (idea one) and might help spark an idea for the combo book name (idea two).

New Intimacy Book Cover Small with black border 1-20-13 Book Cover Small New Sex Book Cover 225 pixels wide black outline

Just so you know, I’m so tickled that I found that stash of books so that I can get them into your hands. For once, cleaning turned out to be a good thing!!!

I hope you guys enjoy whichever books you get and that they all not only make you giggle, but make life a little sweeter. Love ya!! :) XOXOXO

Prepare to weep for the yumminess!

Tzatziki time!!

I am, at this very moment, stuffing my happy face with mounds and mounds of tzatziki. This is THE best batch the hubby has ever made. Drool!!! I figured since I’m slobbering all over the place that I’d give you the recipe too. You can also find this in my cookbook, Darn Good Eats. Mmmm….

Here’s the recipe as it appears in the cookbook:

Oh, do I love this. I love this so much that the plate in the picture got an extra special placemat upon which to sit. Tzatziki is royalty in this house and deserves to be treated as such.

Just so you know, this is not your everyday tzatziki. No sirreebob! This recipe has evolved through many variations and has ended up like no other tzatziki on earth. It’s got some weird ingredients that you wouldn’t expect to find in it (I actually frowned when Grant first told me what he put in it, thinking it would be inedible) but it is incredibly delicious. And, it’s crazy healthy. So you can eat and eat and eat and not feel the slightest bit of guilt.

Mmmmm...tzatziki

Ingredients:

  • 16 ounces of plain Greek yogurt (get the low fat one to keep it healthy or get the nothing-but-fat one to make it extra creamy. I actually prefer the texture of the low fat yogurt).
  • 2 large, peeled cucumbers
  • Approximately 1 teaspoon of finely chopped dry mint from the spice section at the store (sounds gross, right??). If you use fresh mint, use a tablespoon.
  • 1 rounded tablespoon of finely chopped fresh dill
  • 1 – 1½ tablespoons of fresh lemon juice (I like WAY more than this, but it’s better to start slow and add more if you need it)
  • 4 cloves of garlic, pressed, minced or cut up very small (I personally like slightly more than 4 cloves)
  • Salt and pepper, to taste

Directions:

  1. Peel the cucumbers.
  2. Quarter the cucumbers lengthwise and then cut the quarters lengthwise again.
  3. Take the knife and slice the seeds off the top of each strip of cucumber (you won’t use the seeds in the recipe).
  4. Cut the eights lengthwise a couple more times so you have 16 – 32 long, skinny, deseeded strips of cucumber.
  5. Cut the cucumber strips into tiny pieces.
  6. Put the cucumber into a bowl.
  7. Add the rest of the ingredients and stir.
  8. Refrigerate for at least an hour before serving.
  9. Serve with warmed pita bread.

You can also serve it on a pita smothered in gyro fixings. We buy gyro meat at the store (we have to go to a fancy schmancy store to find it) and cook it up like bacon. Then chuck a bunch of sliced tomato and red onion on it, add the tzatziki sauce, wrap it all up in a warm pita and you have one heck of a scrumptious meal.

One rather special element of this tzatziki is that we don’t puree it. Just about everywhere you go the tzatziki is smooth. Well, I don’t want it smooth. I like it with tiny cucumber chunks. To me, it’s more substantial that way. It’s not just a dip; it feels like you are eating an actual meal.

Feel free to puree the recipe I’ve just given you, but you will be breaking the tzatziki rules and I’m afraid we just can’t have that. Kidding! If you are unsure about the cucumber chunks, take half of the recipe and puree it and then do a taste test and compare it to the chunky version. Or puree half of it and mix it together with the un-pureed half. That way it’s just a little chunky. I’m gonna bet that you like the chunkier one better. It is one of the freshest tasting foods you’ll ever eat.

dragon breath

ENJOY!!

Awesome Awards, New Year’s Resolutions and Other Such Goodies

Happy New Year! I hope with all my heart that every last one of you had a wonderful holiday season and a safe and happy New Year! :)

I took a much needed vacation from everything and decided today to dip my toe back into humanity one tiny inch at a time. And what did I find upon my return? I found I was mentioned by several awesome bloggers who somehow survived my potty mouth to live and say kind things about my blog! Yay!

My dear friends at Alastair’s Blog and Feed the Piglet both nominated me for Blog of the Year 2012 (the check is in the mail!) and Rural Spaceman listed my blog amongst his “Favorite Things”. Also, in the last few months I was blessed to be nominated by the following kick ass people for some kick ass awards:

  1. Sparky the Dragon creator Kimberley at The Embiggens Project for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award
  2. Jottings and Writings for the Addictive Blog Award and the Liebster Award (Two awards? you are awesome!)
  3. Life in the Drivethru for the Food Stories Nominee for Excellence in Storytelling Award
  4. Alastair’s Blog (again, you sweetheart!) for the One Lovely Blog Award
  5. TotalOvrdose for the Versatile Blogger Award

A big, huge thanks to all of you for your mentions, awards and kind words. I can’t tell you how humbled I am that you guys would think of me. Thank you so very, very much from the bottom of my heart. Your sweetness means the world to me. :)

Now that we’ve talked about the Awesome Awards (and the even more awesome awarders!), let’s move on to the New Year’s Resolutions. My thought about New Year’s Resolutions is poop on their head! Like a lot of people, I’ve made them over the years only to be disappointed in myself a few months down the road for my miserable failures. I’d have been so much happier with myself had I never made the unachievable resolutions in the first place. So, I’ve decided to never make another resolution! Alas, that does not mean that I don’t have things I wanna do in 2013.

Horrifying as it is, my 25 year class reunion is this year. Good God–how is that possible? Am I not still 17 riding around in my girlfriend Susan’s Bronco with a Bartles & James wine cooler in one hand, a cigarette in the other, gossiping about boys? Wasn’t it just yesterday, not 28 years ago, that while at the 7-11 I ran into the guy who stood me up for a movie at my place (my mom actually rented a VCR so I could have him over to watch a movie as we didn’t have one yet–yep, that tells you how old my ass is) and his other date (kill me)? Man, was that awkward! How could it be 25 years ago that I graduated? It just doesn’t seem possible!!!

Well, like most women, I’m bound and determined to lose a few pounds before the reunion. Writing that cookbook put a few extra hunks of delicious, savory butter on my ass (oh, I mean pounds…the butter put the pounds on my ass) that I’d like to shed before flying home, so either I’m going to have to learn how to eat healthier or I’m going to have to borrow a vacuum from someone and perform home liposuction. I’m not sure which one would be more painful!!! :)

This desire to knock off a pants size is not a resolution though. I just happened to be notified about the upcoming event in the last week, so the timing makes it appear to be a resolution, but it is not.

Something else I wanna do in 2013 is learn to curb my potty mouth.  I know I cuss a LOT and I thought…oh shit, I can’t pull that off. I’m sooooo lying here!!! That just ain’t gonna happen. ;)

Ummmm…what else do I wanna do? I don’t know. I figure if I can continue to be happy and healthy, then life is good. I just try and keep that going and that should really be enough.

Okay, so now onto the Other Such Goodies.

I have two things here for ya. One: my cooking spot on WGN-America’s Lunchbreak is gonna air on January 11th. WOO HOO!!!! I’m so excited I could puke. Two: I quit smoking 6 weeks and 1 day ago and I’m so proud of myself I could puke. Wait, that’s a hell of a lot of puking. Let’s just say that my cold-turkey-smoke-quitting-ass is very happy that I’ve been able to maintain the quitting without even a single slip up. Yay!!! And, I haven’t even been a rancid bitch during the emotional withdrawal of one of my very favorite things on earth. I had whittled down my consumption to 4-5 a day (though I crave a pack a day dammit!!!) over the last year so that quitting wouldn’t be such a fuckin’ nightmare, and I still crave those evil (wonderful) sticks constantly, BUT, I’m bound and determined to stay quit as I’d like to live a long and healthy life, so send me no-smoking happy vibes please! :)

Again, I hope you all had a simply magnificent holiday season and I want you to know that I’m thankful for all of your friendship. I’ve met some wonderful people through this blog and you guys mean a ton to me. XOXOXOXO

Blog of the Year Award 2 star thumbnailfoodstoriesnominee_250x286The addictive blog award liebster one-lovely-blog-award1-1 versatileblogger11

I’m a dumbass and forgot to title this. So this is now the title.

So after all that hard work, this pic that I took today is just THE one (I think). You know how sometimes a picture might look nice but you don’t think it looks like you? That’s how the last batch of pics was. So, since my sister agreed that they just didn’t quite look like me, I did another photo shoot today and this was the very first picture I snapped.

Thanks for all the help earlier, guys! I sure do appreciate it!!