Knight on a Steed…

Or Jester on a Jackass? Find out! ;)

Yeppers, my new article came out just a few minutes ago at Acquiring Man mag. Just wanted to let ya know in case you, well, want more nookie! I know. I’m a perv.

XO

February Acquiring Man Article Graphic

Book Reviews – Intimacy: How to Get More of It and Darn Good Eats by Jodi Ambrose

Ummm…still not sure what the “Press This” button means, but I’m Pressing This!!!

A HUGE, heartfelt, love-filled, squishy-hugged thank you to the lovely Elizabeth Melton Parsons for writing such amazing reviews of my books. You’d think I’d given her money for her kind words (I sooooo would have!!!). :)

It means a tremendous amount to me that anyone would take the time to write reviews on my books. I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I find it so strange and wonderful and surreal that I even wrote 3 books, much less that anyone would read them and then like them enough to say sweet things. I’m very humbled…

If ya wanna check out what she had to say, click the link below.

Book Reviews – Intimacy: How to Get More of It and Darn Good Eats by Jodi Ambrose.

And while you are over there, follow her wonderful self. She has a great and entertaining blog!

Much love!

PS: I just saw that she put reviews on Amazon too. Elizabeth, I’m going to stalk you, find you and hug you til you pop! ;)

 

For Your Listening Enjoyment! Check out my Latest Radio Show!

Howdy, everyone!

You guys know I’ve been a busy beaver recently, so I haven’t done as many radio shows as I usually do. But I had a fantastic one air today that I think you’ll enjoy.On Air

Now, I had to tame my mouthiness as my audience wasn’t the same as it was when I did Playboy SiriusXM. I had to be a good girl. I don’t think I said a single cuss word. WHAT?? How on earth is that possible? Don’t worry, as soon as I hung up I verbally assaulted my sleeping hamster to get out all of my pent up 4-letter words. Man, did that feel good! ;)

Here’s a link to the show: Talk Time with Trish. Give it a click and a listen.

During the show I have a lovely conversation with Trish’s co-host (who was the main host today), Dr. Lisa Stewart. She is an awesome doc who specializes in helping people communicate effectively to have a happier life. Ya can’t go wrong with that! She pretty much kicked ass today–just loved her.

I hope you enjoy listening to it as much as I enjoyed doing it.The Acquiring Man Magazine Sex Expert Jodi Ambrose

Oh, and my new article for The Acquiring Man Magazine should be coming out in the next couple of weeks. This time I also did a podcast to go along with it, so hopefully you can hear it as well as read it. I always sound so goofy when I listen to my recorded self. Yikes! ;) It’ll be called something like, Ready for Titillating Head-to-Toe Sex? My thought: aren’t we all??

Have a great weekend everyone!

HUGS!

Ready! Set! Quiche!

.

Yes, quiche is for REAL MEN too! :)

Real men eat quiche

NO COMMENT!
I’m gonna be a good girl for a change. :)

To be quite honest, I’d never before had quiche that I liked. The crust was always soggy and the eggs were always runny. EWWWW!!!

And then I met the hubby. You know that meeting him has done nothing but murder every diet I’ve ever been on. But how can one NOT eat all the delicious food he makes? Especially now that we have chickens in the backyard. We have eggs coming out the wazoo–gotta do something with ‘em.

So here, my wonderful friends, is a recipe straight out of our cookbook, Darn Good Eats. It’s Grant’s own version of Quiche Lorraine, but it is a zillion times more delectable than any Quiche Lorraine I’ve ever had. ENJOY!

Can’t Say No To It Quiche

Yeah, I know, that’s a weird name for a recipe. But this ain’t your grandma’s Quiche Lorraine. This has goodies added into it which will take you to a new level of nirvana.  I just told the hubby, as I am currently chewing on a mouthful of this delicious concoction, that I’m going to kill him so that he can’t have any more of it and I get the rest. I’m only half kidding.

Just so you know, I’m fully aware that the picture of the quiche looks like some crazy, snub-nosed face staring at you with its creepy tomato eyes. I tried several angles but it always looked like a face. There was no escape. So yes, the quiche is eyeballing you!

Quiche Lorraine

Ingredients:

  • 9-inch refrigerated pie shell (get it in the refrigerated cookie section at the grocery store)
  • 6 – 8 slices of thick bacon
  • 1/2 of a large red onion, sliced into super-thin rings
  • 3½ tablespoons of butter
  • 4 small eggs or 3 large eggs
  • 1½ cups of heavy whipping cream (or you can use half whole milk and half whipping cream to cut back on the fat content)
  • 3/4  – 1 cup of shredded Gruyere cheese
  • 1 large tomato, cut into thin slices and then quarter the slices
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon of freshly ground pepper
  • A dash or slightly more of freshly ground nutmeg (buy whole nutmeg and then shave the nutmeg with a super sharp, non-serrated knife—don’t use a mortar and pestle)

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 450 °F.
  2. Slice the uncooked bacon into one-inch pieces.
  3. Simmer the bacon in a quart of boiling water (a simmering boil, not a rapid boil) for approximately 5 minutes.
  4. Strain the bacon and dry it using a paper towel.
  5. Brown the bacon in a large frying pan until it’s just on the cusp of crispy, but not too crunchy.
  6. Once it’s browned, remove the bacon and dry it on paper towels to remove as much excess grease as possible (save the bacon grease in the pan for other recipes, you won’t need it for this recipe).
  7. Slice the red onion into thin rings—as thin as you can slice it.
  8. Put 1½ tablespoons of butter in the pan (after you’ve removed the bacon grease), add the onion and sauté on medium-high for about a minute, then reduce the heat to medium-low and cook for 10 – 15 minutes until the onions start to caramelize. Periodically stir the onions as they cook. You want the onions cooked past the point where they are translucent but before they are too brown and burning around the edges.
  9. While the onions are cooking, or before cooking the bacon, prepare the pie crust.
  10. Use either a glass pie dish or non-stick metal pie dish.
  11. Roll the pie crust over the pie dish and push it down into the bottom and along the edges. Make sure to either push the crust down very well or use pie weights to keep the pie crust from getting a big bubble in it as it bakes. Ours didn’t, but we wanted to make sure you were prepared, just in case.
  12. Flute the top edges of the pie crust (just pinch it) to give it the look of grandma’s homemade pies. You want to the pie crust to end up being slightly higher than the pie dish because when you pre-bake it, it will shrink and you don’t want the pie crust ending up lower than the quiche filling.
  13. Bake the pie crust on 450 °F for 9 – 10 minutes on the middle rack in the oven. You do not want the pie crust to brown yet; you’re essentially baking it about halfway done.
  14. Take the pie crust out of the oven and let it cool for at least 15 minutes.
  15. Reduce the oven heat to 375 °F.
  16. Once the pie crust is cool, layer the bottom of it with the bacon.
  17. Evenly spoon the caramelized onions over the bacon.
  18. In a medium-sized bowl, add the eggs, cream, salt, pepper and nutmeg and hand whisk until well blended.
  19. Add 3/4 to 1 cup of Gruyere into the bowl with the egg mix and stir.
  20. Evenly pour the egg and cheese mix into the crust, making sure to pour it carefully as you don’t want it to get between the crust and the pie dish.
  21. If it looks like you have more egg mix than you have space for in the dish, before the mix gets to the top of the crust, pull the cheese out of the mix and add that into the pie dish, then throw away the rest of the egg mix.
  22. Evenly space the tomato slices on top of the egg mix.
  23. Dice 2 tablespoons of cold butter into pea-sized cubes. Sprinkle the butter evenly on top of the tomatoes and cook on the middle-upper rack for 30 – 35 minutes on 375 °F. Look for your pie crust to be a golden brown. It’s okay if the top of the quiche is a little bit juicy looking as it will congeal as it cools down.
  24. Once you pull it out of the oven, let it cool for at least 15 minutes so that it can be sliced without turning into a river of goo. It’s better once it has had time to set.

Anyone who has ever said “Real men don’t eat quiche” hasn’t had this quiche before. I’m quite sure I’m not the only person, male or female, who’s willing to serve time in prison to keep everyone else in the house away from this quiche so that it’s mine all mine!

image from: www.freerepublic.com

Dang! Kick Ass Review for my Nookie Book! Yay!

Okay, technically I’m still on vacation, so Book Reviewpretend you didn’t read this, that I’m not around and that you never saw me. But I had to share this awesome review for Sex: How to Get More of It that I saw today. My heart is sooooooooooooo warmed and I’m just tickled pink.

Please go check it out by clicking HERE.

The review is by the lovely, talented and wonderful Elizabeth Melton Parsons. Go check out her blog and follow her. Clearly she has great taste in books (ha! ;) ) so you’ll probably love other stuff she has to say. :)

Oh, quick note: Mom and I had a WONDERFUL vacation–thanks to all of you who wished us a great time; all that wishing worked! It was lovely. :)

Jodi and Mommy at Hoopers Ocean City Maryland May 2013 3 Cropped

Free books and a little tit (for tat!)

..

Does anyone else have a room in their house which is the Collect All room? A room where all the “I don’t know where this shit goes!” goes? Lord knows I do. I have about 3 of them. Okay, I’m not that bad…but close! The reason I’m telling you that I’m a pack rat psycho who has one room whose door is always shut in fear that someone, anyone, might see inside it is that I finally decided to clean it up. Ugh. What an undertaking. It’s been on my to-do list for about 6 months and I finally started on it tonight.

Why, you may ask, did I decide to actually clean something (cause you KNOW I hate cleaning!)? Well, because I’m a bit wrecked on pain killers as I broke a tooth last week. OH MY GOD does that fucking thing hurt. It hurts right now. I wanna chop off my own head to stop the hurt. OUCHY!!! The reason this hideous pain has inspired me to clean a bit is that I take a pain pill, fall asleep, wake up screaming in agony a few hours later and then have to do something to take my mind off my nightmarish misery while the next pill kicks in. I’ve decided that cleaning The Room from Hell is how I can distract myself from grabbing a pair of pliers and self-extricating the sonofabitching tooth.

How this has led me to Free Books and a Little Tit (for tat, you perverts!) is that I found a stash of all 3 of my books that I didn’t realize I had. I have 24 Sex: How to Get More of It. 28 Intimacy: How to Get More of It. And about 25 Darn Good Eats cookbooks (with the black and white interior). The Sex and Intimacy books don’t have the updated cover and some of them even have my author’s pic as me being a red head. So, when I found the books it sparked an idea (2 actually). Shocking, I know.

Idea one:

I will happily mail you a copy of one or more of my books on-the-house (I’ll even pay for shipping) in exchange for a review on Amazon (and any other place you wanna put it, but definitely Amazon). Now, this is not me bribing you. If you don’t like a book, I don’t want you to say you did–that is dishonest and poopy. I only want people who genuinely enjoyed the books or learned something valuable to leave reviews on Amazon. Obviously, if you hate a book I’d prefer you didn’t leave a review. Especially one like this, “That Jodi bitch can go suck it! I hate her. I hate her books. I’m going to burn her house down and eat her cats while she watches.” I’d feel pretty stupid if I paid to ship them to you and then you publicly ripped me to shreds. That would kinda blow. But if you like them, I’d super appreciate kick ass reviews. That would pretty much rule.

If you’d like to participate in this (keeping in mind I have a limited amount of books) email me at authorjodiambrose@gmail.com and give me your mailing address, your name (for those of you who go incognito on WordPress) and the books you’d like copies of.

  • Ladies, you can have any/all of my 3 books. Even though the Sex book was written for men, I get tons of feedback from chicks that they love it, so you can have that one too if ya want it.
  • Gentlemen, you can have the Sex book and/or the Darn Good Eats cookbook. Trust me, you do NOT want to read the Intimacy book that I wrote for chicks unless you want to read about menstrual cycles and things of the like.

Before you email me and request the Sex or Intimacy books (the cookbook is G-rated, so it’s not an issue), just remember that I’m a mouthy broad. If you follow this blog you know that I love to cuss, have a smart ass mouth and pretty much tell it like it is. The Sex and Intimacy books are just like that (though they have less cussing than my typical blog–totally unbelievable, I know), so if you know ahead of time that you’re going to be offended and hate them, please don’t ask me to send them to you. I truly want people to enjoy the books and be happier as a result–if you think that might be you, then definitely email me with which books you’d like.

One small caveat: Idea one is for US residents only. I am sooooo sorry my dear friends who are not here in the US, but it’s sooooo expensive mailing you stuff I’d go broke. I spent $47 mailing 2 books last week–one to Canada and one to New Zealand. I love you guys, but I just can’t afford all that. I would if I could–I promise, because you know I love your accent-having-asses even more than I love otters.

Now for idea 2, in which everyone can participate.

Idea two:

I always want my books to be as affordable as possible. As you guys know Darn Good Eats comes in both a black & white interior version (inexpensive) and a full-color interior version (slightly more expensive) so that everyone can afford it. I never want anyone to want to read one of my books but not have the bucks to do it. So, I thought I’d combine the Sex book and the Intimacy book into one book so that I could essentially sell both books for the price of one.

Here’s where you guys and your awesomeness comes in. I would love your help in naming the book. If you’ve read them, you know what’s in them and could probably come up with some amazing, fun and witty suggestions. If you haven’t read them (and don’t participate in Idea one above) you can always go to Amazon and do the Look Inside to see the first few pages of each book. That’ll give you a good idea about their content. Click here to preview Sex. Click here to preview Intimacy.

In exchange for your wonderful book title ideas, whoever either comes up with the name I end up using or the person whose suggestion sparks my imagination into finding just the right name, will get credit in the book and a link to their blog or other website. This way, all my readers get to see how wonderfully talented you are in naming books, and having your blog/website address in the book (both hard copy and digital) should help drive more traffic to your own personal awesomeness.

You can either leave your book title suggestions here (give me as many as you’d like–the more the merrier) as a comment or if you want to email it (them) to me feel free to email me at: authorjodiambrose@gmail.com.

See, there’s all kinds of tit for tat going on here!

OH, and one last thing–for those of you who have read one or more of the books and are now at least slightly happier, if you have a pic of you and your honey that you’d like to share with me, I’m thinking (not guaranteeing though) of doing a happy-reader-photo-collage either on the cover or inside of the new combo book. If you’d like to see your and your honey’s smiling faces in print, send me a pic WITH CLOTHES ON YOU BUNCH OF PERVS and it may just appear in the upcoming book. I thought it would be fun to actually show the happy faces of people who’ve been helped by my books. :) Please know that by sending me the pic you are giving me full rights to use the photo both in print and digitally from now until the end of time. I won’t edit the photo at all except to possibly crop it or do some color correction (if necessary).

Click on any of the book covers below to visit their page on Amazon if you want to read more about them or read reviews from other people. That info may help you decide which books you want me to send you (idea one) and might help spark an idea for the combo book name (idea two).

New Intimacy Book Cover Small with black border 1-20-13 Book Cover Small New Sex Book Cover 225 pixels wide black outline

Just so you know, I’m so tickled that I found that stash of books so that I can get them into your hands. For once, cleaning turned out to be a good thing!!!

I hope you guys enjoy whichever books you get and that they all not only make you giggle, but make life a little sweeter. Love ya!! :) XOXOXO

New Book Covers. What’cha think?

Howdy! I sure hope everyone is having a great weekend!

So, I’ve never been a huge fan of my relationship books’ covers and I am excited to say that I finally get to see them updated. Woo hoo!!!

In an effort to keep them similar to what they were, but a bit more streamlined looking, they use the same graphics only with a different treatment.

I wanna know what you think. Is there anything that jumps out at you as horrific or do they look okay?

Thanks so much for any feedback. I really appreciate it! :)

Oh, and the back of the book is what’s on the left and the front cover is on the right. I’m sure you know that, but jut in case! :) XOXO

New Intimacy Book Cover 1-19-13

New Sex Book Cover 1-18-13

MY KICK BUTT NEW COOKBOOK IS AVAILABLE! Yay! Happiness!

I am soooooooooooooooooooooo happy to tell you that my new cookbook is available as of this morning! Woo hoo!!!

Yay!!!!! Here it is!

For those of you who haven’t heard me talk about it before, here’s the blurb from the back of the book so that you know that it’s a cookbook with a rather different spin on cooking.  :)

Whether you love to cook or would rather starve than spend time in a kitchen, Darn Good Eats: The Cookbook for Creative Chefs and Reluctant Cooks is for you!

Reluctant Cook and author Jodi Ambrose teamed up with her Creative Chef husband, Grant, to bring you a cookbook with an unusual twist. Darn Good Eats provides scrumptious recipes for both the kitchen aficionado and the bumbling cook. Pooling together all of their combined kitchen savvy, they’ve created a cookbook that applies to anyone and everyone.

Along with a list of must-have items for your kitchen, helpful measurement conversions, delightful personal anecdotes and a witty sense of humor, this cookbook delivers over 70 delectable and inspired recipes for both the kitchen novice and cooking expert. You no longer have to be a good cook to make great food.

So that it’s easy to navigate, the cookbook is split into two parts. The first part is for Creative Chefs who love, or at least like, to cook. It contains tantalizing recipes which range from simple to challenging and are bound to be crowd-pleasers. The second part is for people who prefer eating over cooking and find the kitchen to be more of a chore than a delight. The Reluctant Cook will now have a wonderful array of options for making “homemade” meals that (shhh…don’t tell) in some cases are far from homemade, but are still mouthwateringly delicious.

Whether you love or hate the kitchen, Darn Good Eats: The Cookbook for Creative Chefs and Reluctant Cooks has plenty of tasty recipes to please even the most discerning palate. We know that you’ll enjoy both the food and fun contained within this cookbook and we wish for you many happy and delicious meals.

I’ve published both a full-color interior version and a black & white interior version so that it’s affordable for everyone and if you want to get some as holiday presents you have a choice on which one to get. Both have the full-color cover.

As of right now, you can get them at Amazon as printed books. In the near future, they’ll be available for the Kindle and Nook, but formatting them (especially with bullets and numbered lists) is a NIGHTMARE and takes forever. You’d think that Kindle and Nook would have figured out how to properly format something so simple by now. Over the next couple of months, the black & white interior version will be available online at Barnes & Noble and other places, but you can get them at Amazon today.

Here’s the link to the color version on Amazon: CLICK HERE TO GET A COPY

Here’s the link to the black & white version on Amazon: CLICK HERE TOO!

I hope you guys love the cookbook! My hubby and I worked very hard to bring you the recipes that we love the most, with just a little bit of sass thrown in the mix. No worries though. For a change of pace there are no F-bombs in one of my books. ;) This one is rated G.

Hugs!! Enjoy!!!

STOP THE PRESSES!!!

Check out this awesome blog from Rants From My Crazy Kitchen! She’s going to have some of her awesome recipes in my new cookbook coming out at the end of October.

:)

STOP THE PRESSES!!!.

Douchy? Crazy? Naughty? Slutty? Drunk? Puking Rainbow Unicorns? WHA???

Okay, I realize that I’m rather eclectic in my postings. From sentimental letters to Daddy on Father’s Day to the Buzz Muff, to unintentional drooling, and toilets that I dip my hand into (against my will, I swear!). But when I saw these search terms that led people to my site, I thought 3 things:

  • Holy shit.
  • How in the hell did they come up with these word combinations? What on earth were they expecting to return?
  • I share way too many funky things with you guys.

Then I realized that it’s kinda cool appearing in searches that include words like: slut, douche, crazy and pee. Better than appearing in searches like this: “Biggest bitch on earth” or “Insufferable prig” or “Brainless whore.” I should thank God for small favors! :)

So, here goes my list from yesterday (unedited, except for my commentary in parentheses).

  1. I’m positive you’re a douche (Yeah, I’m so douchy that sometimes I even drink from them and shower in their wonderful mist!)
  2. How to look like you want sex (Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT walk around like I do all day in jammies with a ball of hair on your head. It is the anti-I-want-sex look. Now, look at any picture of me from 10 years ago and you’d have the real answer to that question. SLUT!!)
  3. Bathroom real pee shut up (Is there fake pee? And can pee shut up?)
  4. Sex with teddy bears (Well, if the shoe fits…poor car teddy…)
  5. Crazy coworkers from hell (We all have too many of these.)
  6. Clip art of exploding vacuum (I guess I’m not the only one that hates any form of cleaning.)
  7. Caught in panties captions (Caught in panties? Ummm…I got nothin’ on this one.)
  8. So good you’ll cry vegetable soup (Damn right my soup is so good you’ll weep for days!)
  9. Sluts newsletter sign up (Hmmm…should I take offense that my blog showed up in this search??)
  10. Cougar chat (Yes, yes, Cougar Chat Radio pretty much kicks ass. Everyone should search for it!)
  11. Does working ambrose ever stop in my life (Can you “work” an Ambrose?)
  12. Affair (Ummm…don’t recommend these.)
  13. Stripper smell secret (Oh yeah, I know the secrets to ALL things stripper! Just ask the pole in my basement!)
  14. Drunk rainbow and unicorn (I can’t believe that other people search for this too!)
  15. Jodi Ambrose is funny (Okay, this person is my new best friend. What a good sense of humor they must have! :))
  16. Naughty excerpts from books (Yeah, so my books are naughty. So what? You got a problem with that? Bring it! :) )
  17. Naughty book incerpts (I guess “Naughty excerpts from books” didn’t give them what they needed?)
  18. Trending is not word (DAMN RIGHT!! Preach on, mo fo!)
  19. Can you have a pagan handfasting if married to someone else (Umm..the real question is SHOULD you? A handfasting is a marriage. If you are already married, then shame shame shame.)
  20. Unicorn puking rainbow (Yeah, I totally get searching for this.)
  21. Puppy dog ear boobs (What in the never-ending holy fuck?)
  22. I love you even when your snoring (This person is better than me. My hubby would be buried with all the hamster corpses in the back yard if we hadn’t discovered mouthy-thing to stop him snoring. Don’t think I didn’t notice the “your” instead of “you’re.” I sooooo did!)
  23. Bear fucker do you need (Where do people learn how to formulate sentences? What in the name of all that is holy does this even mean?)
  24. Woman hate when you smile at them (We do? You’re right! Back the hell off with all those teeth and lips and stuff!)
  25. Daddy whon my virgin (I am NOT even going to touch this one. Nope. No how. No way. Nada. No. Stepping away from the computer now.)
  26. One way muff (What in the holy shit is a one way muff???)

I simply cannot pick a favorite, although “Sex with teddy bears”, “One way muff” and “Bathroom real pee shut up” do make me the most curious as to what they were hoping to find. I am officially disturbed and I hope I was able to disturb you too. :)