Tag Archives: books

Mar 2 2013

Free books and a little tit (for tat!)

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Does anyone else have a room in their house which is the Collect All room? A room where all the “I don’t know where this shit goes!” goes? Lord knows I do. I have about 3 of them. Okay, I’m not that bad…but close! The reason I’m telling you that I’m a pack rat psycho who has one room whose door is always shut in fear that someone, anyone, might see inside it is that I finally decided to clean it up. Ugh. What an undertaking. It’s been on my to-do list for about 6 months and I finally started on it tonight.

Why, you may ask, did I decide to actually clean something (cause you KNOW I hate cleaning!)? Well, because I’m a bit wrecked on pain killers as I broke a tooth last week. OH MY GOD does that fucking thing hurt. It hurts right now. I wanna chop off my own head to stop the hurt. OUCHY!!! The reason this hideous pain has inspired me to clean a bit is that I take a pain pill, fall asleep, wake up screaming in agony a few hours later and then have to do something to take my mind off my nightmarish misery while the next pill kicks in. I’ve decided that cleaning The Room from Hell is how I can distract myself from grabbing a pair of pliers and self-extricating the sonofabitching tooth.

How this has led me to Free Books and a Little Tit (for tat, you perverts!) is that I found a stash of all 3 of my books that I didn’t realize I had. I have 24 Sex: How to Get More of It. 28 Intimacy: How to Get More of It. And about 25 Darn Good Eats cookbooks (with the black and white interior). The Sex and Intimacy books don’t have the updated cover and some of them even have my author’s pic as me being a red head. So, when I found the books it sparked an idea (2 actually). Shocking, I know.

Idea one:

I will happily mail you a copy of one or more of my books on-the-house (I’ll even pay for shipping) in exchange for a review on Amazon (and any other place you wanna put it, but definitely Amazon). Now, this is not me bribing you. If you don’t like a book, I don’t want you to say you did–that is dishonest and poopy. I only want people who genuinely enjoyed the books or learned something valuable to leave reviews on Amazon. Obviously, if you hate a book I’d prefer you didn’t leave a review. Especially one like this, “That Jodi bitch can go suck it! I hate her. I hate her books. I’m going to burn her house down and eat her cats while she watches.” I’d feel pretty stupid if I paid to ship them to you and then you publicly ripped me to shreds. That would kinda blow. But if you like them, I’d super appreciate kick ass reviews. That would pretty much rule.

If you’d like to participate in this (keeping in mind I have a limited amount of books) email me at authorjodiambrose@gmail.com and give me your mailing address, your name (for those of you who go incognito on WordPress) and the books you’d like copies of.

  • Ladies, you can have any/all of my 3 books. Even though the Sex book was written for men, I get tons of feedback from chicks that they love it, so you can have that one too if ya want it.
  • Gentlemen, you can have the Sex book and/or the Darn Good Eats cookbook. Trust me, you do NOT want to read the Intimacy book that I wrote for chicks unless you want to read about menstrual cycles and things of the like.

Before you email me and request the Sex or Intimacy books (the cookbook is G-rated, so it’s not an issue), just remember that I’m a mouthy broad. If you follow this blog you know that I love to cuss, have a smart ass mouth and pretty much tell it like it is. The Sex and Intimacy books are just like that (though they have less cussing than my typical blog–totally unbelievable, I know), so if you know ahead of time that you’re going to be offended and hate them, please don’t ask me to send them to you. I truly want people to enjoy the books and be happier as a result–if you think that might be you, then definitely email me with which books you’d like.

One small caveat: Idea one is for US residents only. I am sooooo sorry my dear friends who are not here in the US, but it’s sooooo expensive mailing you stuff I’d go broke. I spent $47 mailing 2 books last week–one to Canada and one to New Zealand. I love you guys, but I just can’t afford all that. I would if I could–I promise, because you know I love your accent-having-asses even more than I love otters.

Now for idea 2, in which everyone can participate.

Idea two:

I always want my books to be as affordable as possible. As you guys know Darn Good Eats comes in both a black & white interior version (inexpensive) and a full-color interior version (slightly more expensive) so that everyone can afford it. I never want anyone to want to read one of my books but not have the bucks to do it. So, I thought I’d combine the Sex book and the Intimacy book into one book so that I could essentially sell both books for the price of one.

Here’s where you guys and your awesomeness comes in. I would love your help in naming the book. If you’ve read them, you know what’s in them and could probably come up with some amazing, fun and witty suggestions. If you haven’t read them (and don’t participate in Idea one above) you can always go to Amazon and do the Look Inside to see the first few pages of each book. That’ll give you a good idea about their content. Click here to preview Sex. Click here to preview Intimacy.

In exchange for your wonderful book title ideas, whoever either comes up with the name I end up using or the person whose suggestion sparks my imagination into finding just the right name, will get credit in the book and a link to their blog or other website. This way, all my readers get to see how wonderfully talented you are in naming books, and having your blog/website address in the book (both hard copy and digital) should help drive more traffic to your own personal awesomeness.

You can either leave your book title suggestions here (give me as many as you’d like–the more the merrier) as a comment or if you want to email it (them) to me feel free to email me at: authorjodiambrose@gmail.com.

See, there’s all kinds of tit for tat going on here!

OH, and one last thing–for those of you who have read one or more of the books and are now at least slightly happier, if you have a pic of you and your honey that you’d like to share with me, I’m thinking (not guaranteeing though) of doing a happy-reader-photo-collage either on the cover or inside of the new combo book. If you’d like to see your and your honey’s smiling faces in print, send me a pic WITH CLOTHES ON YOU BUNCH OF PERVS and it may just appear in the upcoming book. I thought it would be fun to actually show the happy faces of people who’ve been helped by my books. :) Please know that by sending me the pic you are giving me full rights to use the photo both in print and digitally from now until the end of time. I won’t edit the photo at all except to possibly crop it or do some color correction (if necessary).

Click on any of the book covers below to visit their page on Amazon if you want to read more about them or read reviews from other people. That info may help you decide which books you want me to send you (idea one) and might help spark an idea for the combo book name (idea two).

New Intimacy Book Cover Small with black border 1-20-13 Book Cover Small New Sex Book Cover 225 pixels wide black outline

Just so you know, I’m so tickled that I found that stash of books so that I can get them into your hands. For once, cleaning turned out to be a good thing!!!

I hope you guys enjoy whichever books you get and that they all not only make you giggle, but make life a little sweeter. Love ya!! :) XOXOXO

Jan 19 2013

New Book Covers. What’cha think?

Howdy! I sure hope everyone is having a great weekend!

So, I’ve never been a huge fan of my relationship books’ covers and I am excited to say that I finally get to see them updated. Woo hoo!!!

In an effort to keep them similar to what they were, but a bit more streamlined looking, they use the same graphics only with a different treatment.

I wanna know what you think. Is there anything that jumps out at you as horrific or do they look okay?

Thanks so much for any feedback. I really appreciate it! :)

Oh, and the back of the book is what’s on the left and the front cover is on the right. I’m sure you know that, but jut in case! :) XOXO

New Intimacy Book Cover 1-19-13

New Sex Book Cover 1-18-13

Nov 1 2012

MY KICK BUTT NEW COOKBOOK IS AVAILABLE! Yay! Happiness!

I am soooooooooooooooooooooo happy to tell you that my new cookbook is available as of this morning! Woo hoo!!!

Yay!!!!! Here it is!

For those of you who haven’t heard me talk about it before, here’s the blurb from the back of the book so that you know that it’s a cookbook with a rather different spin on cooking.  :)

Whether you love to cook or would rather starve than spend time in a kitchen, Darn Good Eats: The Cookbook for Creative Chefs and Reluctant Cooks is for you!

Reluctant Cook and author Jodi Ambrose teamed up with her Creative Chef husband, Grant, to bring you a cookbook with an unusual twist. Darn Good Eats provides scrumptious recipes for both the kitchen aficionado and the bumbling cook. Pooling together all of their combined kitchen savvy, they’ve created a cookbook that applies to anyone and everyone.

Along with a list of must-have items for your kitchen, helpful measurement conversions, delightful personal anecdotes and a witty sense of humor, this cookbook delivers over 70 delectable and inspired recipes for both the kitchen novice and cooking expert. You no longer have to be a good cook to make great food.

So that it’s easy to navigate, the cookbook is split into two parts. The first part is for Creative Chefs who love, or at least like, to cook. It contains tantalizing recipes which range from simple to challenging and are bound to be crowd-pleasers. The second part is for people who prefer eating over cooking and find the kitchen to be more of a chore than a delight. The Reluctant Cook will now have a wonderful array of options for making “homemade” meals that (shhh…don’t tell) in some cases are far from homemade, but are still mouthwateringly delicious.

Whether you love or hate the kitchen, Darn Good Eats: The Cookbook for Creative Chefs and Reluctant Cooks has plenty of tasty recipes to please even the most discerning palate. We know that you’ll enjoy both the food and fun contained within this cookbook and we wish for you many happy and delicious meals.

I’ve published both a full-color interior version and a black & white interior version so that it’s affordable for everyone and if you want to get some as holiday presents you have a choice on which one to get. Both have the full-color cover.

As of right now, you can get them at Amazon as printed books. In the near future, they’ll be available for the Kindle and Nook, but formatting them (especially with bullets and numbered lists) is a NIGHTMARE and takes forever. You’d think that Kindle and Nook would have figured out how to properly format something so simple by now. Over the next couple of months, the black & white interior version will be available online at Barnes & Noble and other places, but you can get them at Amazon today.

Here’s the link to the color version on Amazon: CLICK HERE TO GET A COPY

Here’s the link to the black & white version on Amazon: CLICK HERE TOO!

I hope you guys love the cookbook! My hubby and I worked very hard to bring you the recipes that we love the most, with just a little bit of sass thrown in the mix. No worries though. For a change of pace there are no F-bombs in one of my books. ;) This one is rated G.

Hugs!! Enjoy!!!

Oct 13 2012

STOP THE PRESSES!!!

Check out this awesome blog from Rants From My Crazy Kitchen! She’s going to have some of her awesome recipes in my new cookbook coming out at the end of October.

:)

STOP THE PRESSES!!!.

Aug 4 2012

Douchy? Crazy? Naughty? Slutty? Drunk? Puking Rainbow Unicorns? WHA???

Okay, I realize that I’m rather eclectic in my postings. From sentimental letters to Daddy on Father’s Day to the Buzz Muff, to unintentional drooling, and toilets that I dip my hand into (against my will, I swear!). But when I saw these search terms that led people to my site, I thought 3 things:

  • Holy shit.
  • How in the hell did they come up with these word combinations? What on earth were they expecting to return?
  • I share way too many funky things with you guys.

Then I realized that it’s kinda cool appearing in searches that include words like: slut, douche, crazy and pee. Better than appearing in searches like this: “Biggest bitch on earth” or “Insufferable prig” or “Brainless whore.” I should thank God for small favors! :)

So, here goes my list from yesterday (unedited, except for my commentary in parentheses).

  1. I’m positive you’re a douche (Yeah, I’m so douchy that sometimes I even drink from them and shower in their wonderful mist!)
  2. How to look like you want sex (Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT walk around like I do all day in jammies with a ball of hair on your head. It is the anti-I-want-sex look. Now, look at any picture of me from 10 years ago and you’d have the real answer to that question. SLUT!!)
  3. Bathroom real pee shut up (Is there fake pee? And can pee shut up?)
  4. Sex with teddy bears (Well, if the shoe fits…poor car teddy…)
  5. Crazy coworkers from hell (We all have too many of these.)
  6. Clip art of exploding vacuum (I guess I’m not the only one that hates any form of cleaning.)
  7. Caught in panties captions (Caught in panties? Ummm…I got nothin’ on this one.)
  8. So good you’ll cry vegetable soup (Damn right my soup is so good you’ll weep for days!)
  9. Sluts newsletter sign up (Hmmm…should I take offense that my blog showed up in this search??)
  10. Cougar chat (Yes, yes, Cougar Chat Radio pretty much kicks ass. Everyone should search for it!)
  11. Does working ambrose ever stop in my life (Can you “work” an Ambrose?)
  12. Affair (Ummm…don’t recommend these.)
  13. Stripper smell secret (Oh yeah, I know the secrets to ALL things stripper! Just ask the pole in my basement!)
  14. Drunk rainbow and unicorn (I can’t believe that other people search for this too!)
  15. Jodi Ambrose is funny (Okay, this person is my new best friend. What a good sense of humor they must have! :) )
  16. Naughty excerpts from books (Yeah, so my books are naughty. So what? You got a problem with that? Bring it! :) )
  17. Naughty book incerpts (I guess “Naughty excerpts from books” didn’t give them what they needed?)
  18. Trending is not word (DAMN RIGHT!! Preach on, mo fo!)
  19. Can you have a pagan handfasting if married to someone else (Umm..the real question is SHOULD you? A handfasting is a marriage. If you are already married, then shame shame shame.)
  20. Unicorn puking rainbow (Yeah, I totally get searching for this.)
  21. Puppy dog ear boobs (What in the never-ending holy fuck?)
  22. I love you even when your snoring (This person is better than me. My hubby would be buried with all the hamster corpses in the back yard if we hadn’t discovered mouthy-thing to stop him snoring. Don’t think I didn’t notice the “your” instead of “you’re.” I sooooo did!)
  23. Bear fucker do you need (Where do people learn how to formulate sentences? What in the name of all that is holy does this even mean?)
  24. Woman hate when you smile at them (We do? You’re right! Back the hell off with all those teeth and lips and stuff!)
  25. Daddy whon my virgin (I am NOT even going to touch this one. Nope. No how. No way. Nada. No. Stepping away from the computer now.)
  26. One way muff (What in the holy shit is a one way muff???)

I simply cannot pick a favorite, although “Sex with teddy bears”, “One way muff” and “Bathroom real pee shut up” do make me the most curious as to what they were hoping to find. I am officially disturbed and I hope I was able to disturb you too. :)

Jun 16 2012

Amazon is trying to kill me!!

Hey there, everyone!

I wanted to know if any other authors have had this problem on Amazon. My books have garnered incredible 5 star reviews on Amazon since being published. It’s been so delightful to see how many people enjoyed them and are happier now in their relationships. Well, last night I went on to check out the review pages as a few people had let me know that they’d posted reviews and ALL OF THE REVIEWS on one of my books had been removed and over half of the reviews on the other book were gone. WTF????

I called Amazon immediately and the department I need to speak with is closed on weekend. I imagine it’s a glitch, but if anyone else has experienced this, can you let me know how you handled it? This is so weird!! I’ve spent the last year and a half just delighted reading all of them and having them there for others to read and they are just GONE!

I did some research and apparently this does happen sometimes, but its horrifying!!

Help??

 

Image procured from: http://sentient.wordsof.org/2009/09/

Apr 17 2012

Black or Red? Who gives a damn?

If ONE MORE PERSON tells me that I’m not as good or pretty or alluring with black hair instead of the red-headed wig I use for author photos/book covers, I’m going to beat them about the head and shoulders with a bat. Wooden or aluminum? I wonder which one would hurt the most? Even if it’s true, who says something like that??? Were they raised in a barn? By wolves? HOW FRIGGIN’ RUDE IS THAT??? Last week some chick said (in reference to my book cover and author pic), “That isn’t YOU, is it??”  No. I use someone else’s pictures. Asshat!!!!

So, I’ve included here a pic of me as a raven-haired girl (with almost no makeup and my hair not fixed) and one of my book cover pics. I tried to find a smokey-eyed pic of me with black hair, but in my normal life I don’t walk around seducing cameras like one does in a photo shoot. I think I’m clearly the same person. Granted, I sexed it up for the photo shoot. Fake eyelashes, eyeliner, red lips. But I don’t want to walk around looking like a hooker everyday, so in real life, I wear makeup, I just don’t paint it on.

I don the red-headed wig because I try to keep my day job separate from my authoring gig. People I work with don’t need to know my business. I only could have dreamed that the books would be as successful as they are and now that I’m out and about doing gigs, I always get a crooked look when I show up with black hair.

I’m pretty sure that for my next book, I’m going to do both the cover and the author photo with my natural hair and let the consequences fall where they may. Lindsey Lohan changes her hair color every 5 minutes. And while I’m no Lindsey (thank you God), I just don’t see why it matters so much.

Dang, I sound like I’m in a bad mood! I’m not really. Just tired of the same ole crap.

Apr 6 2012

Join me on Cougar Chat Radio!

Cougar Chat Radio

Woo hoo! It’s radio time again! I love being interviewed on the radio. It’s so much dang fun! I hope you guys listen in as we’ll be talking about all kinds of good stuff: sex, relationships, my 2 books, how to be happy, etc..

Date: Monday, April 30th

Time: 9:00pm Eastern

Cougar Chat’s website is here: http://cougarchatradio.com/shows/

You can listen in to the radio broadcast here: http://youradionetwork.com

You can also call in during the show and ask questions. 717-496-9900.

Wow, I’m pretty sure that’s the shortest post I’ve ever written. I’m soooo ready for the weekend!

Apr 4 2012

From Book Slut to Newsletter Slut!

I’m so excited! I finally learned how to add a Newsletter feature to my website. Web designing is a bitch! ;)

If you guys want to sign up, go here: http://www.jodiambrose.com/Newsletter.html

I’ll be having a book giveaway in the May issue (that’ll be the first one sent out.) Free stuff rules. :)

Two winners will each receive an autographed copy of either book.

Hope you guys don’t terribly mind me whoring my webpage in this post. I’m just all stupid happy that I figured out how to make the newsletter work and wanna share it with you.

Hugs!

Apr 1 2012

Diffusing Anger (Email from a Reader)

 

Sometimes, my readers will send me emails asking for help with a relationship issue they are having. I received this one recently and thought I’d share it with you guys here.

 

Dear Jodi,

My husband and I were planning a long weekend away from the kids for over a month. I even took Friday off work so we could really enjoy ourselves. Right as we were about to start packing, his buddy called and said he had tickets to the hockey game on Saturday night. My husband immediately told him how thrilled he’d be to go and then informed me we’d be postponing our trip. Needless to say, I was more than annoyed.  I freaked out, yelled at him, then didn’t speak to him all weekend. Things are still a little tense between us and it’s been over a week. What can I do? How could I have handled this differently?

Thanks,

Annoyed wife

 

Dear Annoyed Wife,

I’m pretty sure my first impulse would have been something that would have landed me in prison; I’m glad you didn’t go that route! In all sincerity though, it is completely understandable that you were upset. Typically, we get all excited and build up in our minds exactly how the weekend will go. Tons of romance and fun and sex and good food–all the stuff we dream about for a long weekend with the man. We excel at visualizing the perfect vacation. Then to have it dashed at the last-minute for a sporting event? My head would have exploded. But, as we all know, an exploding head is not only painful, but incredibly unhelpful when dealing with a situation like this. So what to do?

Since the jackass behavior of your husband happened last week, you can’t pull a Superman and spin the world backwards to zip back in time, but you can keep it from getting worse. While this may not be the easiest thing in the world to do, you need to talk to him about it and tell him why your feelings are hurt. But it is critical to do this in just the right way. No one knows your husband like you do, so tailor my suggestions to fit your own life, but here are some things to say and some to avoid in this conversation:

Do not say, no matter how desperately you want to:

  • YOU ASSHOLE! Why am I always last on your list of priorities?
  • You always ruin everything. Why do I even try?
  • Are your buddies that much more important to me?
  • How could you DO that to ME???

While those things are probably what you are thinking, they’ll put him on the defensive, which will then usually put him on the offensive too. That does not lead to a healthy resolution. Instead, let’s look at a more constructive way of communicating using healthy and helpful strategies.

A couple of things to keep in mind before you start. First, stay calm. I know I’m asking you to probably do the exact opposite of what you gut is telling you. I’d want to chuck a hammer at him. But men typically respond better to a concise, verbal bulleted list spoken in a calm, tear-free way. Next, take him somewhere private that is not the bedroom–that room is for sleep and frolicking only.

Then try a conversation that goes like this, even if it is physically painful to do so:

“Honey, I want us to get back on track. I don’t like the way it has felt between us for the last week. I want you to know that I was very excited to go on a long weekend trip with you. I was really looking forward to time alone, without the kids, where we could just lay around, eating, relaxing, having fun, making love (If he’s not listening to you yet, saying, “making love” will perk up his ears!). All week long I fantasized (another man-attention-getting-word) about what we’d do and what a great time we’d have.  Taking off a day of work wasn’t easy, but I was happy to do it so we could have extra time together.

When your friend called and invited you to the hockey game and you decided that we weren’t going on our trip it hurt my feelings and made me feel like our time together didn’t matter to you–that us having some well-deserved time alone wasn’t important to you. As a result, I felt like I didn’t matter to you.

I just wanted you to know why I got so mad.”

Then let him talk. This may be the hardest part, but just be silent and see what he does. He’ll need to process what you’ve said. He’ll need, in all honesty, time to think of his excuse. Hopefully, his response will be one of understanding, but even if it’s not, you’ve said your peace in a responsible, adult, direct way.

At this point, especially if he doesn’t respond in the way you want him to, don’t beat a dead horse–you’ve said what needed to be said and repeating it over and over to try and make a point will just make his brain float off to La La Land. Give him time, it may take a day or two, to process what you’ve said. If it isn’t better at that point, you may want to briefly mention that you’d hoped the conversation you had the other day would have helped smooth everything between you–is there something he wants to discuss? Put the ball in his court as now it’s up to him to finish calming the waters.

To sum it all up, while our first reaction to a situation like this may be to scream and throw stuff at his head, that rarely solves anything. It may feel good to you in that moment, but learning how to communicate in a way that will work on him, in particular, will lead you to a much happier, healthier relationship. Then, if something similar happens in the future, he KNOWS exactly how you will feel and if he does it again, you have quite the leg to stand on in that situation, as it’s been previously addressed by you.

Good luck, Annoyed Wife. I hope he makes it up to you with a fabulous long weekend in the near future.

Take care!