If you don’t already have all 3 of my books, you can download them for FREE on Kindle this Tuesday through Saturday.
Since I’ve tortured all of you with my Christmas decorating pics (here’s one in case you missed it–note the new Christmas Teddy Hammock on the right side!), I thought I’d give you Christmas presents too, starting tomorrow.
If you do have a Kindle, click HERE and download away!
Love you guys! Your friendship and support mean the world to me, so I hope you enjoy my Holiday presents! XOXOXOXO
So, you guys recall that I was whining about how half the lights on my tree went out. Well, I bought a ton of both multi-colored lights and warm white lights (LED so they’ll last for at least a few years) and I fixed her up!
Yay! Now the tree isn’t a sad little Charlie Brown tree anymore. It’s all kinds of lit up. I think, in total, there are 1400 lights on it.
And in case you are thinking that I am also insane for all of those presents (they are all from me to family and I’m not even done wrapping yet) know that some of them cost about $2.00. We just like to unwrap stuff at Christmas, so one of those presents is a 6 pack of Charmin with a $5 bill taped to it for my mom.
What can I say…clearly we are all nuts.
Love you guys! XOXOXOXOX
Oh, and I have everything wrapped and under the tree (except just a few presents that FedEx is dragging ass getting to me).
I know. I’m a freaking lunatic! It’s not even Thanksgiving.
But, if it makes you feel any better, a bunch of the lights on my tree went out, so I ordered a bunch of LED replacement lights (hopefully they’ll last for the next 10 years) and I have to take everything off the tree, fix the lights and then redecorate.
I’d almost rather burn down the tree and start from scratch. De-ornamenting (SO not a word!!) a tree to me is almost as miserable as a root canal. ;)
At least with a root canal I get Valium and laughing gas!
Here’s the tree before all the lights started going out (and before I was finished wrapping presents). PS: There are two very un-Christmas-like things in the pic…can you find them?? ;)
And here’s the living room (again, not quite done yet, but well on its way).
As you can tell, I’m a Christmas maniac! :) I save all year long to make Christmas extra special for everyone as that makes it awesome for me too.
I hope you guys have a wonderful holiday season, regardless of what you celebrate.
I’m pretty sure I’m gonna puke!
So here’s my little tale.
Now that the house is finally coming together, the hubby and I occasionally have some friends over. They’d just gotten in the door and were standing in the living room when they noticed my Christmas window gels still up in the window. Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s July and I still have some Christmas stuff up. I’m a maniac! ;)
Anyway, the gels are these gummy-like decals you stick to the window. They feel like a wet, smushed, slightly melted gummy bear, but they stick great and last a long time. Well, until the evil summer heat of Arizona gets at ‘em.
The snowman couple on the right had held up pretty well, but the cute little penguins on the left had met a rather unfortunate, melty fate. It was actually kinda gross looking. Like the face melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
We were all standing about 10 feet away and commenting on the sorry state of my little gel friends and their accompanying snowflakes when I noticed that some of the snowflakes had turned black.
My first thought was, “Wow, that’s probably unhealthy. If the sun baked what used to be white, lavender and baby blue snowflakes into black, crusty nightmares then the fumes it put off while cooking can’t have been healthy to breathe.”
So I walked over to them to scrape them off the window and much to my horror…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The carnage! Death abounded! The slow, painful murder of dozens of small critters faced me in my once-loved gummy snowflakes.
Look below at your own risk!
Here it is a little closer up if ya really wanna see mass death!
Holy fuck that is nasty!
I had NO idea I was murdering flies in such a gruesome way!
And the poor little buggers were left on display and I didn’t even notice. They had a public burial. Total ewww!!
So yeah, I screamed. Then said to the hubby, “Can you please remove the hideous death trap that our sweet Christmas decorations have become?”
I don’t know what they make the gummy decals with (crack? meth? chocolate?) that would be so alluring to flies. Especially since the snowmen were of absolutely no interest to them at all. Completely bizarre.
When I went to look at the snowmen the other day (which are still there to this day…yeah, again…I know…) I noticed a leftover fly leg stuck to the window. Poor little critters. I may not like flies, but nothing deserves to be cooked at 150 degrees while stuck in goo on an Arizona window.
Well, there you have it. I’m now officially horrified. I’m a murderer, pure and simple. Off with my head! ;)
Is that the most insane looking teddy bear you’ve ever seen?
My mom shrieked with both horror and delight when she saw it.
She said, “Only you would immediately fall in love with a dick teddy.” Which made me crack the fuck up. I love my sassy 75 year old mommy. :)
Grant gave this to me as he knows I love both cute, adorable, plush teddies and the defective, unlovable (except by me), deformed, mutant teddies.
Believe it or not, Dicknose is based off of a real creature.
Trust me when I say you do NOT want to see it. You’ll vomit. You’ll never want to eat any kind of any thing that comes out of the water ever again.
But, you may want to go to your local sex shop and rent a hooker or buy an “appendage” for entertainment.
Again, don’t do it, but click here if you want to see the thing this teddy is based on. View at your own risk! ;)
PS: Woo hoo! This is my 200th post! :) Thanks for reading all of my insanity! ;)
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, a Happy New Year and is surviving the abysmal return to work. I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I need to be independently wealthy so that every week is like Christmas! ;) Ah…to dream.
So, believe it or not, I actually cooked stuff this Christmas. I know. SHOCKING!
I made my mom’s famous mac salad (even people who don’t usually like mac salad like this!) and cheesy taters. Yum!
While the cheesy taters are, health-wise, just this side of a heart attack, the macaroni salad isn’t so bad. Especially if you use the Kraft Olive Oil mayo. Way less calories and fat than regular mayo and I can’t tell the difference. Also, I use less than one cup of mayo (mom uses way more), so my suggestion is to start with less and work your way up if you want it creamier. I think too much mayo is pukey, but you do what makes you happy. :)
Anyway, I thought I’d share the mac salad recipe for those of you who want to eat something as fresh and delicious as watermelon on a hot summer day. Especially since it’s cold as a witch’s tit out there and we could all use a little bit of summer right now. Except me. I live in AZ and had my air conditioning on the other day. Yes. I’m a wretched bitch. :)
Here’s the recipe straight from the cookbook. Enjoy!
Mom’s Macaroni Salad
I think maybe twice in my life I’ve had good macaroni salad at a restaurant or deli. It’s either got too much mayonnaise (yuck!) or some weird spice or a gross tang that makes me want to retch. I keep trying, but I rarely find one that is palatable. What is my solution to this problem? Make my own.
To be quite frank, that solution almost never occurs to me. It does not occur to a furry little blind mole to buy reading glasses. Why would it occur to ME to cook something voluntarily? It usually doesn’t. But this is super easy and is incredibly light tasting and refreshing. It has very few ingredients (whew…) and is almost impossible to make wrong. To me, that is the perfect recipe.
Stuff you’ll need:
- 1 one-pound box of elbow macaroni
- 1 green pepper
- 4 good-sized tomatoes
- 1 large cucumber
- 1 medium-sized, sweet onion (don’t use a yellow or red, they are way too potent—look on the label of the onion for the word “sweet”)
- 1 cup of mayonnaise* (maybe more)
- Salt and pepper, to taste
*I use Kraft Mayo with Olive Oil™ as I can’t tell the difference between it and regular mayo, but it has way fewer calories and less fat than the regular kind.
Putting it all together:
- Cook the macaroni according to the directions on the box.
- Once it’s cooked (don’t overcook it) dump it into a colander and thoroughly rinse it with cool water.
- Empty the macaroni into a large bowl.
- Cut the tomatoes into bite-sized pieces and add to the bowl.
- Peel the cucumber and cut into bite-sized pieces and add to the bowl.
- Cut the green pepper into large pieces (I do this because I don’t want to bite down on a piece of green pepper, but it does add a nice flavor to the salad—you can cut it any way you want) and add to the bowl.
- Dice the onion into small pieces (you don’t want any big bites of onion either, but you do actually want onion in your mouth) and add to the bowl.
- Add about 1/2 the mayonnaise and stir. Continue to add the mayo until it’s got enough for you. Some people like tons of it, some people don’t.
- Add salt and pepper. Taste it. Add more salt and pepper as necessary.
- Refrigerate for at least a couple of hours so everything has time to chill. If you can, refrigerate it overnight. It is at its absolute best on the second day.
- Before serving, make sure to stir and taste-test it one more time to make sure it has enough salt. It will be bland if it doesn’t have enough salt.
One of my favorite things about this salad is that it doesn’t have a bunch of weird junk in it. I think sometimes people get so obsessed with making food all fancy and complicated that they lose sight of what makes it taste so good—simplicity. This salad has a clean, crisp, summer taste to it. It is one of my all-time favorite things to eat while sitting in the backyard and watching the chickens play as the sun goes down.
PS: Go easy with the onion at first and add more a little bit at a time. I love tons of onion, but just in case you don’t you can always leave it out or just use a little. :)
Well, I’m all in a Christmasy mood, so because I love you guys I’ve decided that on December 12th-16th you can get all 3 of my books on Kindle for F.R.E.E! Holy shit, Batman!
Last year I did a book giveaway around Christmas and you guys made me feel all warm and fuzzy with your amazing response, so I thought I’d do it again this year.
Fear not, if you don’t have a Kindle that’s okay. You can go to Amazon and download a free Kindle reader onto any device–tablet, iPad, iPhone, android phone, desktop computer, laptop, blah blah blah…the list goes on forever. That way you don’t need to buy a Kindle to read Kindle books. Yay! Click HERE to go to the page that lets you download the reader to your device.
As for my books, you can go right to my author’s page and get all 3 of them. Click HERE to be a downloading for free fool! ;)
Or, if you already have a couple of them and just need one or two more, you can click on any of the covers below and go directly to that page. See, I’m all about makin’ it easy for you to get free stuff. :)
From my heart though, I hope that everyone has a wonderful, loving, relaxing and happy holiday season.
As you can see, my Moopers kitty is enjoying sitting in the glow of our Christmas tree. I think I may just join her. :)
I promise that I am not setting these pics up.
I know that seems impossible.
Alas, it is true.
I come into a room and voila, this is what I see.
I have to wonder if they are sentient and doing shit while my head is turned.
Or maybe it’s the kitties sneaking around, setting them up and being all naughty and perverse.
Either way, may you enjoy the filth that goes on in my house on a daily basis. ;)
I walk in to go to bed and what do I find? Daisy is a naughty little cowie!
This scene greeted me last night at 3am.
Eve is going to town on sweet, innocent little W.A.L.L.E. Good grief!
This one is just fucked up! She looks ridden hard and put away filthy! If I was as flexible as Lambchop, I’d never leave the house!
By the way, my latest article came out at Acquiring Man magazine. It tells you all about the perfect gift (for free!) for your hot mama this holiday season. Check it out here. :) XOXO
Here’s a little teaser pic for what you can expect. ;)
So, the hubby doesn’t really need anything for Christmas. I’ve swamped him with so many presents over the last 6 years for this birthday and Christmas that we can’t fit one more damn thing in the house. He did come up with one thing he needs–a new table saw. So, that’s definitely on the list. But I like to bury him up to his eyeballs in gifts and was running out of ideas. Then I saw a Groupon that would totally be fun.
Grant and I went horseback riding on our honeymoon (I was terrified and riding a limping horse for fuck’s sake!), but haven’t been back since. I figured this would bring back wonderful memories and be a great time in the 75 degree weather of an Arizona winter.
So if you have one of those pesky damn people in your life that already has everything they need and want, so buying presents is a pain in the ass because you have no clue what to get, might I suggest fun stuff to do instead of a material gift? I’ve started taking Mom on vacations each year for her main Christmas present (plus a bunch of other little things too) and now I’m going to start doing that for the hubby. It may sound totally sappy (okay, it IS totally sappy) but those awesome memories are better than something in a box any day.
Of course, since I like to have him unwrap a zillion presents, I made this for him and printed it as an 8×10, and then stuffed it into a box so that he has a gift to unwrap that tells him about his gift. Yeah, I’m a doofus! :)