It’s time to get down and get funky! (Updated! Yay!)

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No, I don’t mean to roll in the dirt and get smelly! Though that does sound like fun. ;)

I mean that tonight I’m going to be on LA Talk Radio! The show is called Modern Male Radio and starts at 8pm Pacific time, 11pm Eastern. Woo hoo!

And is it going to be a show!

UPDATE: Here’s the link to listen to the show: KICK ASS YAPPING. Wow, they are fast! Listen to the one dated September 18th, 2014.

Senior Citizen Sex

Not only is it hosted by an incredible author and man about town, Jarod Zavistoski (he’s great!), but co-hosting is Nick Hawk from the Showtime TV show Gigolos.

We’re going to dish about all things relationshippy and how to have more luscious nookie and happy intimacy.

Can’t go wrong with that. Well, unless you hate sex and don’t like people to be nice to you.

If that’s the case, ummmmm…yeah…I got nothin’! ;)

Click HERE or on the pic below to get to LA Talk Radio’s site.

Listen in, my wonderful peeps. We’ll have a great time!

XOXOXOX

The “It takes 3 minutes to make a delicious dessert” Recipe

TGIMFS! Yes, that’s my spin on TGIF with a few extra choice words chucked in. ;)

Here’s another bit of yum for you guys this weekend!

Move over fancy schmancy desserts that take 19 hours and 4 chefs to make.

I have something even better.

But you have to visit the awesome and amazing Bernadette at Rants from My Crazy Kitchen to get the recipe!

That lovely lady has just posted my second recipe designed to let you spend less time cooking and more time enjoying your holiday weekend.

It’s sooooooooooo yummy! It has 4 ingredients. That’s my kind of cooking.

And while I took many wonderful pictures of this batch of yumminess, I forgot to put my stupid memory card into my camera. Can we all say it at the same time? “Duh….” What a dumbass I am! Yep, wiping the drool off my chin right now.

Anyway, I procured a picture that’s similar to what this delicious concoction looks like when finished. Here it is. SLURP!

Pineapple Cherry Dump Cake

Just imagine a bit of pineapple at the bottom of the rest of the lip-smacking goodness and there you have it.

Okay, so time to go over and get the recipe.

Check it out HERE.

It’s also in my cookbook, Darn Good Eats, so if you have that, you have the recipe whenever you want it.

Enjoy!

Have a great weekend! Love you guys!

 

img credit: tammileetips.com

 

Why Was I Talking About Dipping Your Wick Into Places It Doesn’t Belong? Ah ha! The Answer At Last!

Hello, all my lovelies!

About a month ago I posted a poll on whether or not you guys thought it was a betrayal to seek sexual satisfaction from real, live people outside of your relationship via phone or computer.

A big thanks to all of you for your thoughtful responses and poll answering.

It was so hard for me not to spew my opinion all over the place when I wrote that post, but I didn’t want to sway anyone’s thoughts on the matter before they had a chance to comment or vote. Of course now, I’m nothin’ but sass mouth on the topic!! ;)

In case you’re wondering, I used the info from that poll to write my latest article for The Acquiring Man magazine.

If you voted or just wanna see the article, click HERE or on the pic below (dang, that chick is hot!).

acquiring man is it cheating

PS: there is one typo in the article that is repeated 4 times that is making my brain itch! But the editor is going to fix them. He added the line because it’s a great summary of the article–I should have included it myself, so I’m glad he added it in. But as you guys know, I can be a grammar nazi, so forgive the missing apostrophe for now. :)

Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday: Part twat

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Oh! I mean part trois! As in 3, since this is my 3rd birthday post. ;)

How on God’s green earth can it be my birthday again?

Jodi Blowing Out Candles

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I turned 24? Lie to me. Tell me it was yesterday! :)

Kidding. I actually don’t mind growing older so much.

Yeah, my back hurts more often, but the upshot is that my boobs are longer. OH! I mean bigger. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Bigger and juicier and more bodacious! Uh huh, let’s stick with that.. ;)Long Boobs!

And sometimes I think I want a job that is stress-free. You know, like getting paid to pet kitty cats…or something just as delicious and peaceful.

Kitties

But beyond all of that, growing older has its perks.

Perk 1: Being surrounded only by people that I truly love (cause fuck all those drama-causing mo fos!).

Perk 2: Being happy with who I am.

Perk 3: Having adventures like getting SCUBA certified (and actually being able to afford it finally!).

Perk a: Realizing that having a car that you don’t fret about parking (because you know every dumb asshat on earth is going to ding it with their door) is the best thing ever. Don’t get me wrong, I want a Dodge Challenger so bad that I could explode, but I’m content with my Flintstone claptrap car.

ChargerFlintstone car

Perk d: Realizing that having just a few close friends is so much more valuable than trying to spread myself thin and then not giving enough to anyone.

Perk 5d: Understanding that people who are shitbags live shitty lives and lay in the bed of their making nightly. One fuckhat I can think of in particular is about a decade older than me so I take comfort in the fact that he’ll probably die before I do (or at least go bald before me). ;) This is how I picture him when he’s in Nasty Fucker mode and it helps me from grabbing the closest hatchet and laying him to waste:

Old man

Perk 9: Learning that while I’m a grammar nazi, sometimes I gotta just stp teh fuk bck and spall shit rong nd bee okey wif it. (Yes, that includes having a crazy numbering system for these very perks and just running with it. I kept reordering them and the renumbering just got stupid annoying…so it is what it is.)   :)

All in all, it’s been a great year.

I have a wonderful hubby, a loving family, friends I adore, kitties that love me, a crazy hamster that entertains me to no end, adorable chicken butt chickens that give me eggs, a house that’s getting close to being done with remodeling, a job I mostly enjoy and only 4 gray hairs–including the one I just plucked out of my eyebrow.

I’m thankful every day for the wonderful life I have. And a big thanks to all of you who put up with my dirty potty mouth and smart ass ways. Bless you for coming back for more punishment.

Happy birthday to all the Geminis out there! Keep torturing those you love with your multiple personalities (as I do daily!).

HappyBirthday

XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOOXOXOX

Happy Mommy’s Day!

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happy_mothers_day_letters

sparkle tweety

I wish all the Mommies out there the most wonderful of days.

The strength it takes to be a Mommy is something that leaves me speechless.

The love.

The dedication.

The kindness.

The patience. 

The resolve to be tough when you need to, even though it isn’t easy.

The ability to be fun, even though you are tired beyond measure.

The restraint to not kill your offspring, even though they deserve it.

For being a parent, and not a best friend, because kids have plenty of friends but only one mommy.

For all of those things and more, Thank You!

 

PS: Yes, I noticed that the Happy Mother’s Day text doesn’t have an apostrophe. Yes, it’s making me insane. And a final yes, I added an apostrophe to it in PowerPoint when creating a card for Mom. ;)

PSS: Glitter Tweety makes me happy just to look at. :)

 

Mouthy Broad Alert!

Howdy!

Thank GOD it’s Fuckin’ Friday!!! I swear, my poor little noggin has processed more information this week than it knows what to do with. My brain sponge is full and leaking everywhere. I think I’ve lost memories all the way up to 6th grade.

Yes, that means I’ve forgotten the days when this was my outfit of choice:

Nothing But Trouble

 

So, since I’m now worthless and plan on doing nothing but staring at the TV while drooling (and possibly treating myself to chocolate chip pancakes) for the rest of the day, I thought I’d share that you can check out (read, LIVE BY, obey) my new article at Acquiring Man Magazine. (In case it’s not clear, click either “new article” or HERE to go read it. Yeah, I’m a smart ass…no two ways about it!)  ;)

Love you guys! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend full of chocolate, nookie, furry animals and more chocolate.

Wait…that’s what my weekend is going to look like.

May yours look equally awesome!

AND HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

Mom’s kick ass!!

XOXOXOXOXO

FREE Books! Just for you! (And everyone else.) :)

Okay, I promised that I’d do another book giveaway and the time is nigh! ;)

You can download to your Kindle, or any other freaking device on earth onto which you can download the Kindle reader, any or ALL of my 3 books (download the reader by clicking HERE).

Just go to my Amazon age (yep, click HERE to get there) and let the downloading frenzy begin!

Last time I did my Kindle giveaway all of the books went to #1 (HOLY SHIT CAKES!) on the Kindle Free Top 100 list (my mom was very proud!). Totally freaking cool! I was quite delighted, to say the least. I have to admit, I wouldn’t complain if that happened again.

If you like any of them, I’d be forever grateful if you’d leave a great review. I’d offer you my first born, but as I’m a childless old bat that would be an empty promise. Will eternal gratitude suffice?

Here are the 5-day freebies, in case you have no clue as to what I spout on and on about. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

Anyway, I hope you guys love them–that they make you laugh and help you to have the most joyful lives and happiest taste buds.

Oh, maybe telling you when this is going to happen would be a fine and dandy idea… Duh… Drool…

Friday, May 2nd – Tuesday, May 6th.

I picked those days as my dad’s birthday falls during them so it’s kinda a shout out to pops for his birthday. Good grief, I’m a sentimental old fuck. ;)

Love you guys! Enjoy! XOXOXOXO

PS: Tell all your friends to get their free copies too. Who couldn’t use good food and happiness and maybe even some naughty nookie?

“Gotta have it or I might die” fudge recipe

Since you guys seemed to enjoy the macaroni salad recipe (except Mondrak who doesn’t like macaroni–WTF my friend!? ;) ) I thought I’d give you another one. We’ve had the appetizer and now it’s time to go straight to dessert!

Below is my all-time favorite fudge recipe. I made a double batch for Christmas and gave my mom a ton of it. She was in her 7th heaven.

Again, this is straight from the cookbook as I ain’t retyping all that! ;)

Best Damn Chocolate Fudge on Earth

This recipe used to be on the side of the Domino’s™ Powdered Sugar box when I was a kid. For some dumb reason they stopped putting it on there years ago. Luckily, my mom found a copy of it that I’d jotted down in 1980 and we all get to benefit from that cheat sheet. I hope I’m not violating some horrible recipe copyright law here, but this recipe is too good to not pass along.

Oh, and the paper this recipe is written on is the same paper my mom used to write our absent-from-school notes on and the same paper on which I used to use to forge those same notes when I was a teenager. Ahh…the memories this little pink piece of paper brings back.

Fudge Recipe

Goodies from the store:

  • 1 pound box of Domino’s™ Powdered Sugar
  • 1/2 cup of cocoa powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon of salt
  • 6 tablespoons of salted butter
  • 4 tablespoons of milk
  • 1 tablespoon of REAL vanilla extract (no imitation allowed!)

Whipping up the fudge:

  1. Butter the bottom and sides of an 8×8 or 9×9 pan.
  2. Using a double boiler, add all ingredients and cook on low to medium, stirring until the fudge is smooth. If you don’t have a double boiler, use a non-stick pot on the lowest heat setting, stirring constantly.
  3. Pour into the pan and refrigerate.

One reason this fudge is awesomely perfect is because it’s not like any other fudge you can buy. This fudge is more crumbly and velvety. Now, if you are thinking that doesn’t sound as good as smooth, creamy fudge, you will change your mind after eating this. It is amazing. I like to keep it refrigerated as I think it tastes best when it’s cold. I take a piece and let it sit on my tongue and dissolve. If I could live off of this fudge, I would. Were I single and didn’t care about prematurely meeting my Maker, I’d eat only this until I died of malnutrition.

Enjoy everyone! XOXO

Someone PLEASE take my mom’s smartphone away from her! PLEASE!!!

Oh my good God. Nothing is more entertaining than trying to watch my mom manage a smartphone.

Image credit: http://joyreactor.com

Image credit: http://joyreactor.com

Bless her septuagenarian heart, but I’m thinking a flip phone is really all she can handle without giving me gray hair. (Which, by the way, I got my FIRST FUCKING GRAY HAIR LAST MONTH! WHAT THE SHIT?! I’M STILL YOUNG DAMMIT! Of course, Mom told me to keep that fact to myself and never tell anyone, but I just had to share my horror. It was only one, so I’m going with the thought that it’s an aberration. Yep. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!) :)

Okay, so back to Mom. When she got her Samsung Galaxy 4 (my sweet sister got it for her) I knew she’d be overwhelmed, so I removed every possible button that she could touch that might have her accidentally ordering a car or creating a twitter account. God forbid!

I also taught her how to use only those things that were relevant to her daily life (calling, texting and emailing). She wanted to know, “What does that button do? What about that one? That button looks pretty…” Me: “Don’t look at the pretty buttons Mom. You don’t need them. They are bad and will immediately electrocute you and cost Becky (my sister) $3,000 if you touch it.” Honestly, I removed every dang button I could and got her down to one homescreen as swiping is such a foreign concept to her that it hurt my brain.

Now, keep in mind that for a great deal of my life I’ve been a trainer in one way or another. Whether it was via live TV, in person, on video or writing training documentation, I can train like a MO FO. I can pretty much train anyone on anything. Seriously, it’s one of my few talents. But nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, can ever prepare one for training their 74 year old mom how to use a smartphone.

To show you how adorable and tech-challenged my mom is, I want to share with you the first texts she ever sent me on her new Galaxy. Knowing that she wouldn’t like typing out a text I taught her how to use the voice recognition. This phone has the best voice recognition of anything I’ve ever experienced. I love it and use it all the time. Occasionally it’ll come up with something whacky, but usually it’s spot on. Except with my mom.

Let me set the stage for this text: I was out of town on business and needed her help with some deliveries that were coming to the house.

This text exhange had me rolling on the floor laughing.  I hope you enjoy it too. :)

ME: Hi Mommy!!!! I just got a notification that I got a delivery at the house today. If you go out tomorrow would you mind swinging by the house and putting the delivery inside for me? I sure would appreciate it. If you can’t though, don’t worry about it. :)

I love my little mommy. :)

I would call you but I’m still out at a late working dinner with my coworkers. LOVE MOMMY!!!

MOM: Jedi I just got your message I had my phone charging that I will absolutely get your package in your house tomorrow I love you I’m talking this out I hoe it is readable I love you BB T Queen Anne have a wonderful night and day tomorrow love you

MOM (two days later): Jedi I don’t know if this is working it keeps coming up and telling me that Google is up not working so anyway I’m trying to let you know that my rest cme out at 6 o’clock and it was so tough after even after 4 hours of cooking that I could not even hardly cut it with a knife to take a little tip piece f s*** and I took that little piece and stuck it in my mouth it was so test that its cleat when I get out Judit s like a noise that you could bake if yo were doing and research I wanted to let you know that there would be no its tomorrow but I can bring you a pizza

ME: You are so dang adorable.  I love you for trying to make a frozen roast tender and yummy. Sweetest mommy ever. We would love a pizza tomorrow. Thank you. You are such a loving mama.  :) I have your Humectress. :) Love you!

MOM: Baby jedi!  That message is crazy and cut off before i finished!  W

MOM (separate text): e’ll talk later in english ♡ !   Love mommy

ME: I love your crazy text. I giggled myself silly! Sweet dreams.  Love mommy!

That woman is so damn cute and adorable I could hug her til she pops!!! The great thing here, and what humbles me, is that she knows how to make a heart in a text and I don’t even know how to do that! Now I’ll have to ask her to teach me something new.

Mommy and me a few months ago. She's so dang cute!

Mommy and me a few months ago. She’s so dang cute!

It’s texts like these (and she did bring us a pizza the next day because she rules) that remind me how much fun my mom is. She may be 74, but she might as well be 30. She is sweet and loving and has such a good sense of humor about herself. Thank God for my mommy.

Well, off to bed I go! I hope you all have a great weekend and enjoyed my little mommy story. :) HUGS!

Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday, part deux

So, I went back and reread my Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday, part one from last year and I must say that it all still holds true.

For those of you new to my blog since June of last year, you can read it here: OLD HAG. I really hope you enjoy it and/or identify with it because I have to tell you that I’m happier in my 40s than I’ve ever been before and it’ll tell you exactly why.

As I don’t want to repeat what I said last year I’m going to list a few things that I’ve learned and a few things for which I am thankful.

Things for which I’m thankful:

  1. I have a loving family who always makes me feel special
  2. My husband kicks so much ass that it hurts my brain sometimes
  3. I have wonderful blogging buddies that add so very much to my life
  4. My 2nd toe is shorter than my big toe and that makes me very happy
  5. I’ve added about 15 new teddy bears to the Sofa Teddy collection and I have fun with them all the time
  6. Getting emails from people who’ve been helped by my sassy mouth–such a wonderful feeling
  7. I’ve managed to stay a non-smoker for approximately 6 months, 13 days and 2 hours (not that I’m counting)
  8. I’ve managed to only gain 8 pounds since I quit–really, that sucks, but it could have been 20, so I can’t complain
  9. I’m healthier since meeting the hubby than I’ve ever been in my life and he loves me even if I’m covered in scars from head to toe
  10. I still think that aging gracefully is a wonderful thing

Things I’ve learned:

I recently went back home for a visit (last week) and while I was there I saw two old friends who are so very dear to my heart. One I’ve known for 29 years. The other I’ve known for 22. Both of them have made such a great impact in my life–I wouldn’t be who I am today without either of them. One taught me what true friendship is. One taught me when to cut and run, how to heal and how to forgive. It was really quite emotional being back there, but I’m so thankful I went. Here’s what I’ve learned over the the last half of my life from knowing those two people:

  1. Friendship doesn’t need to be constantly reminded of itself. True friends can go years without seeing one another and then fall back into place like only a day has passed in the meantime.
  2. Friendship isn’t full of bullshit and fear. True friends love you enough to risk telling you when you are being a dumb ass and are loyal enough to hold your hand through the worst and best of times.
  3. Bravery is a beautiful thing, even if it means facing something you worry will cause you great pain. There is something about just the facing of it that can give you such great relief.
  4. Faithfulness and loyalty are the greatest gift you can give the one you love AND the greatest gift you can give yourself. Being able to look in the mirror in the morning and not shudder from disappointment in yourself is truly a blessing.
  5. Separating your heart from your mind and saying, “Enough is enough” is a skill that I’m so very happy to have, even if it is a bitch to put into practice.
  6. I have so much room in my heart for love that it astonishes me sometimes. Often I worry that I’m a little bit hard–things that make others cry often don’t really affect me. But I think that what it really is, is that I love those close to me so very deeply and completely that there isn’t a great deal of room left. That may sound bad, but I mean it in a good way. I love fully and with abandon. I don’t love with fear. I don’t love with regret. I love openly and I’m so very happy and thankful for that.
  7. And finally, forgiveness is truly the most glorious of all human abilities. It may take 10 minutes or 20 years, but forgiving yourself for your own mistakes (be they intentional or not) and forgiving others who have harmed you (again, whether or not they intentionally harmed you) will not only make the world a bit brighter, but will reduce the ache of that pain at least down to a very tiny pin prick, if not remove it completely.

As you can see, these two old friends have helped me achieve the beautiful life I have now and I thank God every day that they not only came into my life, but that they stayed.

On an entirely different note: Did I go an entire post without using the word “fuck”? Holy crap!  ;)

Last but not least, here is a pic of my Mommy and me last week at the beach. I’m 5 days shy of being 43 in this pic and my mom is 74. We both embrace our age, though we also both still feel 22 (and often act it too!). I am most grateful that my mom is not only still around, but that she is for the most part happy and healthy. She is a true gift from God and I’m forever thankful to have her.

Mom and me at the beach