FREE Kindle books for you! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, even if you are a Humbug! ;)

If you don’t already have all 3 of my books, you can download them for FREE on Kindlechristmas_animated_gifs_05 this Tuesday through Saturday.

Since I’ve tortured all of you with my Christmas decorating pics (here’s one in case you missed it–note the new Christmas Teddy Hammock on the right side!), I thought I’d give you Christmas presents too, starting tomorrow.

Christmas 2014 Plus Teddy Hammock

Remember, if you don’t have a Kindle, no big deal as you can download the Kindle reader to almost any device. Click HERE to download the Kindle reader. And then click HERE to download my books.

If you do have a Kindle, click HERE and download away!

Love you guys! Your friendship and support mean the world to me, so I hope you enjoy my Holiday presents! XOXOXOXO

MerryAWChristmas

arg-dancing-happy-holidays-red-sm-url

 

Christmas Tree Update!

So, you guys recall that I was whining about how half the lights on my tree went out. Well, I bought a ton of both multi-colored lights and warm white lights (LED so they’ll last for at least a few years) and I fixed her up!

Yay! Now the tree isn’t a sad little Charlie Brown tree anymore. It’s all kinds of lit up. I think, in total, there are 1400 lights on it.

I know…whacko…

ChristmasTreeNewLights2014

And in case you are thinking that I am also insane for all of those presents (they are all from me to family and I’m not even done wrapping yet) know that some of them cost about $2.00. We just like to unwrap stuff at Christmas, so one of those presents is a 6 pack of Charmin with a $5 bill taped to it for my mom.

What can I say…clearly we are all nuts.

Love you guys! XOXOXOXOX

Nanny nanny boo boo! ;)

.

I have ALL my Christmas shopping D.O.N.E.!!!! :) Woo hoo! HomerWooHoo

Oh, and I have everything wrapped and under the tree (except just a few presents that FedEx is dragging ass getting to me).

I know. I’m a freaking lunatic! It’s not even Thanksgiving.

But, if it makes you feel any better, a bunch of the lights on my tree went out, so I ordered a bunch of LED replacement lights (hopefully they’ll last for the next 10 years) and I have to take everything off the tree, fix the lights and then redecorate.

I’d almost rather burn down the tree and start from scratch. De-ornamenting (SO not a word!!) a tree to me is almost as miserable as a root canal. ;)

At least with a root canal I get Valium and laughing gas!

Here’s the tree before all the lights started going out (and before I was finished wrapping presents). PS: There are two very un-Christmas-like things in the pic…can you find them?? ;)

ChristmasTree2014

And here’s the living room (again, not quite done yet, but well on its way).

LivingRoomChristmas2014

As you can tell, I’m a Christmas maniac! :) I save all year long to make Christmas extra special for everyone as that makes it awesome for me too.

I hope you guys have a wonderful holiday season, regardless of what you celebrate.

Much love!

It’s time to get down and get funky! (Updated! Yay!)

.

No, I don’t mean to roll in the dirt and get smelly! Though that does sound like fun. ;)

I mean that tonight I’m going to be on LA Talk Radio! The show is called Modern Male Radio and starts at 8pm Pacific time, 11pm Eastern. Woo hoo!

And is it going to be a show!

UPDATE: Here’s the link to listen to the show: KICK ASS YAPPING. Wow, they are fast! Listen to the one dated September 18th, 2014.

Senior Citizen Sex

Not only is it hosted by an incredible author and man about town, Jarod Zavistoski (he’s great!), but co-hosting is Nick Hawk from the Showtime TV show Gigolos.

We’re going to dish about all things relationshippy and how to have more luscious nookie and happy intimacy.

Can’t go wrong with that. Well, unless you hate sex and don’t like people to be nice to you.

If that’s the case, ummmmm…yeah…I got nothin’! ;)

Click HERE or on the pic below to get to LA Talk Radio’s site.

Listen in, my wonderful peeps. We’ll have a great time!

XOXOXOX

The “It takes 3 minutes to make a delicious dessert” Recipe

TGIMFS! Yes, that’s my spin on TGIF with a few extra choice words chucked in. ;)

Here’s another bit of yum for you guys this weekend!

Move over fancy schmancy desserts that take 19 hours and 4 chefs to make.

I have something even better.

But you have to visit the awesome and amazing Bernadette at Rants from My Crazy Kitchen to get the recipe!

That lovely lady has just posted my second recipe designed to let you spend less time cooking and more time enjoying your holiday weekend.

It’s sooooooooooo yummy! It has 4 ingredients. That’s my kind of cooking.

And while I took many wonderful pictures of this batch of yumminess, I forgot to put my stupid memory card into my camera. Can we all say it at the same time? “Duh….” What a dumbass I am! Yep, wiping the drool off my chin right now.

Anyway, I procured a picture that’s similar to what this delicious concoction looks like when finished. Here it is. SLURP!

Pineapple Cherry Dump Cake

Just imagine a bit of pineapple at the bottom of the rest of the lip-smacking goodness and there you have it.

Okay, so time to go over and get the recipe.

Check it out HERE.

It’s also in my cookbook, Darn Good Eats, so if you have that, you have the recipe whenever you want it.

Enjoy!

Have a great weekend! Love you guys!

 

img credit: tammileetips.com

 

My Very Favorite Thing

.

I would like to introduce you all to my favorite thing on earth (save for things that breathe).

Drum roll please….

(Yes, you can click below to hear an actual drum roll. Yes, because I’m a doofus!)

 

Pink Teddy

I LOVE MY PINK TEDDY!

Yeah, I know. I’m creative with my naming conventions. And, believe it or not, she used to be pink.

Now she’s more the color of dirt, sweat, dust mites and other things that you find in a bed. EWWWWW!!! Poor little Pink Teddy! She’s seen (and participated in) things much worse than Car Teddy.

The hubby tells me that the reason my skin has stayed so nice, even though I never wash my face or take off my makeup, is that all the mites run off her while we sleep, crawl up onto my face and eat off all the dirt and makeup. It’s like microdermabrasion via teddy bugs! Yep, I am so gross!

I’ve had my beloved Pink Teddy for about 36 years or so and have slept with her almost every single night of those close to 4 decades.

She’s been with me to the beach, to the lake, and all across the country. I remember running into one of my former bosses at the airport once and her head was sticking up out of my backpack. He was like, “WTF is that?” I figure he travels with his golf clubs. I travel with my Pink Teddy. I consider that a draw. ;)

Here she is with my sister and me on my first day of college in 1988!

Jodi Becky College 1988

She used to be soft and plush. Now…well…you can see for yourself.

I finally got her a little furry coat for a baby and put it on her to help protect her remaining fur. She’s shockingly not thread-bare yet, but she was getting close. Now she kinda looks like a gangster teddy. I love that about her.

I love so much about her really. Not only is she smushed in just the right way to fit into my chest perfectly as I sleep, but she’s seen me through every dark day I’ve ever had. And every wonderful one, too. I can look at her and see how over the years she, like me, has become a bit rough around the edges. She has plenty of scars to show she’s endured for a very long time and has seen a lot of things.

While you may shiver in slight horror over her rather beat up countenance, it’s one of the things I love so much about her. And I also think it’s one of the things that helps me understand that growing older and getting those rough edges is actually a wonderful thing.

I look at my precious teddy and I know we’ve been through a hell of a lot together, but we’ve both survived. She’s my little inspiration and I’m so happy that a million years ago my parents got her for me for Christmas. She was immediately my favorite and while I have hundreds of teddies that I love, she’s the one cuddled into me every night.

Thank the good Lord I’m a hell cat in bed or I don’t know if my men over the years would have taken so well to her intruding in the boudoir.  ;)

Mouthy Broad Alert!

Howdy!

Thank GOD it’s Fuckin’ Friday!!! I swear, my poor little noggin has processed more information this week than it knows what to do with. My brain sponge is full and leaking everywhere. I think I’ve lost memories all the way up to 6th grade.

Yes, that means I’ve forgotten the days when this was my outfit of choice:

Nothing But Trouble

 

So, since I’m now worthless and plan on doing nothing but staring at the TV while drooling (and possibly treating myself to chocolate chip pancakes) for the rest of the day, I thought I’d share that you can check out (read, LIVE BY, obey) my new article at Acquiring Man Magazine. (In case it’s not clear, click either “new article” or HERE to go read it. Yeah, I’m a smart ass…no two ways about it!)  ;)

Love you guys! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend full of chocolate, nookie, furry animals and more chocolate.

Wait…that’s what my weekend is going to look like.

May yours look equally awesome!

AND HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

Mom’s kick ass!!

XOXOXOXOXO

Sassy, Slutty and Sentimental

…yep, that about sums it up!

Recently, I did a radio show that asked me to send in a few songs that I thought summed up my thoughts about life. I thought that was a cool idea as it can really help a person define themselves–to themselves.

It was actually quite hard to do because, well, I’m a lunatic as we all know. One day I’m mauling all of my teddy bears and playing house with them, and the next I’ve got on some slutty nurse outfit. I guess that’s the Gemini in me. To say I’ve got multiple personalities is the understatement of the year. ;)

Anyway, I thought I’d share my songs with you. I bought them so hopefully I’m not violating some freaking obscure copyright law by posting them here.

I hope you enjoy them!

Songs for:

When I feel trampy:

 

When I feel like life is just about as awesome as it can get:

 

When I feel like shaking my ass (when no one is home and all the blinds are drawn–eee gawds!):

 

When I feel like kicking EVERYONE’s ass from here to hell and back…then hitting them about the head and shoulders with a hammer…then disemboweling them…then setting them on fire and humping on their ashes:

 

When I wanna sing and dance in my car to the horror of others:

 

Okay, I could go on and on and on, alas, I’m cutting myself off here! :)

Now, I’m gonna say something that sounds all shrinky and shit, but it’s not a bad idea…if life isn’t exactly how you want it to be, find your own songs. Sometimes, hearing how you feel articulated by others can help clarify things for you. I know…that seems kinda silly, but it can work. If your “theme song” is “I wish someone would fuckin’ kill me”…well…that can give you clarity. ;)

I’m off to make spaghetti sauce. YUM!!!!! Yeah, cooking usually sucks, but this is one dish I can make like a mo fo. Plus, the hubby is cutting up all the onions, garlic and green pepper–so really, all I have to do is dump everything into a pot. Ahhh…the good life.

XOXO

 

 

FREE Books! Just for you! (And everyone else.) :)

Okay, I promised that I’d do another book giveaway and the time is nigh! ;)

You can download to your Kindle, or any other freaking device on earth onto which you can download the Kindle reader, any or ALL of my 3 books (download the reader by clicking HERE).

Just go to my Amazon age (yep, click HERE to get there) and let the downloading frenzy begin!

Last time I did my Kindle giveaway all of the books went to #1 (HOLY SHIT CAKES!) on the Kindle Free Top 100 list (my mom was very proud!). Totally freaking cool! I was quite delighted, to say the least. I have to admit, I wouldn’t complain if that happened again.

If you like any of them, I’d be forever grateful if you’d leave a great review. I’d offer you my first born, but as I’m a childless old bat that would be an empty promise. Will eternal gratitude suffice?

Here are the 5-day freebies, in case you have no clue as to what I spout on and on about. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

Anyway, I hope you guys love them–that they make you laugh and help you to have the most joyful lives and happiest taste buds.

Oh, maybe telling you when this is going to happen would be a fine and dandy idea… Duh… Drool…

Friday, May 2nd – Tuesday, May 6th.

I picked those days as my dad’s birthday falls during them so it’s kinda a shout out to pops for his birthday. Good grief, I’m a sentimental old fuck. ;)

Love you guys! Enjoy! XOXOXOXO

PS: Tell all your friends to get their free copies too. Who couldn’t use good food and happiness and maybe even some naughty nookie?

Knight on a Steed…

Or Jester on a Jackass? Find out! ;)

Yeppers, my new article came out just a few minutes ago at Acquiring Man mag. Just wanted to let ya know in case you, well, want more nookie! I know. I’m a perv.

XO

February Acquiring Man Article Graphic