I have officially seen it all. Good grief.

Okay, so those of you who know me know that as far a I’m concerned, women never have to “use the bathroom” for anything besides powdering their noses.

I don’t like bathroom talk.

If I could, I’d pretend bathrooms don’t exist.

I don’t wanna know what goes on it one, why I shouldn’t “go in there for 20 minutes” or anything else related to bathroom things. It’s just gross.

Otters

In Heaven I WILL ROLL AROUND WITH OTTERS!!!

You guys have heard me before say that my idea of heaven is that when I die God will let me play with a truckload of non-pooping otters. It’s not heaven if they poop on you.puking dog

So, needless to say when I saw the latest Cottonelle ad I almost threw up in my mouth, out of my mouth, on to the cats and all over the floor.

Seriously, don’t we all know the purpose of toilet paper?

I kinda wanna kill her. ;)

I kinda wanna kill her. ;)

Do we really need a commercial where a girl in white pants, who has clearly snorted too much blow, asks a man if he thinks this new TP  is so good that he can go commando? (Cause there are just so many new fangled things one can do to TP to make it tons better—ugh, idiots.) And I love that they picked someone with a delightfully cheery British accent…does that somehow make it more proper to discuss your bowels and what they do?? Good Lord…

Anyway, apparently, rippled TP is the first and only difference between having a poopy butt and not having one. Does this mean we’ve all walked around nasty our entire lives until this particular TP? Yay! Saved by new TP! Now I can have a friend or two because I’m not basking in my own glorious filth all day, every day.

While I am loathe to give this gross and disgusting company any publicity, click on Miss Poo’s jolly face to watch the revolting video where, when you get down to it, she’s asking strangers, “Can you wipe your ass well enough to not get filth all over the inside of your pants?” I mean, c’mon people? Really? Is NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE!!!???? Must we talk about mookie stinks making a permanent home on your panties in such graphic and disgusting detail on television???

So, here’s what I vote for.

Below is the kind of TP ad I wanna see (though I’d rather see none at all!).

The TV screen would be all white with a still shot of a roll of pristine TP (and maybe an otter or two) and it would have a voiceover that read:

Hi.

This TP is not made of razor blades.

This TP will not cause you to bleed, get herpes or go insane.

Use it like you’ve been using TP for decades and it’ll do about the same thing that all others do.

Oh, it’s a little softer, if you like that kind of thing.

Now, go back to your happy life and forget I’ve just spent 15 seconds talking about your ass and its relationship with TP.

Thank you and good night.

That’s all I need to know, dammit!

I need nothing more than that and I’m good.

So can we please just say no to these kinds of ads?

Plus, I’m a Charmin girl anyway.

I had an 11th grade student of mine 100 years ago when I taught high school write a poem about me and my butt being squeezable like Charmin*. Lordy, those kids were wonderfully inappropriate. Anyway, I’ve been a Charmin girl ever since cause it still makes me giggle.

Okay, no more butt talk. I’m out.

*Click here to hear Mr. Whipple yet at women for squeezing the Charmin. ;)

Kick Butt Radio Time!

How do, everyone? I hope you guys are having a great week. It’s hump day! Yay!

So, as I may have mentioned one or a hundred times, I’ve been SWAMPED at the office.

Good grief, it’s like we have 10 minutes to run a marathon. And you guys know I’m not big on the running. ;)

But, I was lucky enough to carve a half hour out of my day today (I am allowed a lunch break at least once a year…right??) to go on SiriusXM with the wonderful Kim Power Stilson. She was so much fun to talk with–we dished about food for 30 minutes–no pun intended. ;)

Not only was she great, but her production staff is so nice too. It was just a great time.

So, because I’ve got nothin’ but food on my mind (which kinda blows as I’m on a diet, but I did lick the top of a cupcake today–I just couldn’t resist!) I’m going to do two things.

First, here is a link to the radio show. Click HERE to listen.

Second, I’m gonna share a recipe from the cookbook. Mmmm…food…yum…

This is straight out of Darn Good Eats, story and all. I hope you like it. It is my very favorite cake on earth. And, believe it or not, I’ve actually made it one or two times myself. Shocking, I know. ENJOY!!

Happy Birthday Coffee Ice Cream Cake

When I was 5 years old I met a wonderful little girl in kindergarten named Eden. Who would have guessed that meeting her would lead me to my all-time favorite cake? Her mom, Edie, hooked up my mom with this recipe and my sweet, precious mommy has made it for me many times over the years for my birthday.

My mom was shocked that as a little girl I liked it because it has coffee ice cream in it. I barely like coffee as an adult, but this coffee ice cream cake is perfection. And it doesn’t really taste like coffee. You know you are tasting something beyond chocolate, but it’s hard to put your finger on what that flavor is.

I hope that you love it as much as I do. Every time I take a bite of it, I’m pulled back down memory lane to my childhood where I’m blowing out candles and devouring this wonderful creation. I hope it becomes a birthday staple in your family too.

Coffee Icecream Cake

Ingredients:

  • 1 stick of butter
  • 1 cup of white, granulated sugar
  • 4 eggs
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract (the REAL stuff…no imitation vanilla)
  • 1 can (16 ounces) of Hershey’s Syrup™ (use the stuff in the can if you can find it, it tastes much better than the syrup in the plastic bottle)
  • I cup of flour
  • 1½ teaspoons baking powder
  • A dash of salt
  • 1/2 gallon, or slightly less, of good coffee ice cream
  • 6 ounces of semi-sweet chocolate chips (use Nestle™)
  • 2 tablespoons of Crisco™ Shortening

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 350 °F.
  2. Cream together the butter and the sugar in a large bowl.
  3. Add the eggs, vanilla and Hershey’s Syrup to the bowl and stir until well mixed.
  4. Add the flour, baking powder and salt to the bowl and mix everything together until well blended.
  5. Pour into a greased 9×13 baking dish and bake at 350 °F for 25 – 30 minutes.
  6. When it’s done, remove from the oven, let it cool and then cover it and put it in the freezer (not the fridge, but the freezer).
  7. Once the cake is frozen, let the ice cream sit on the counter until it is soft (not melted).
  8. Spread the ice cream onto the cake and put back in the freezer.
  9. In a sauce pan over low heat or in a double boiler, melt the chocolate chips and Crisco™ Shortening together, constantly stirring until fully melted and smooth.
  10. Take the cake out of the freezer and drizzle the melted chocolate all over it.
  11. Put the cake back in the freezer.
  12. Serve frozen (it will be hard as a brick when you first take it out of the freezer but it will be perfect after the slices have sat out for a couple of minutes).

Not only is this cake simply fantastic, but it is so rich that it lasts for quite some time. As much as I love this cake, I only cut about a 2 inch x 2 inch piece when I eat it. It is incredibly flavorful and a small piece is usually all it takes to have a full belly and happy tastebuds.

Favorite New Crap to Buy

Howdy and Happy New Year! 

Yep, the sentiment is a bit late, but I still hope you all had and will have a happy one.

Now for the scoop.

Every once in a while I do a post that details some fabulous product I’ve come across. This time you get 2!

First is something my sister got me last year and again this year. It’s a face powder foundation that kicks ass!

Lancome Dual Finish PowderI wore foundation and powder for the past 30 years and never thought I’d do anything else, but this shit rules!

When my sister gave it to me she said, “I’ve found the best foundation powder ever and I can finally get some for you. They just came out with their Corpse Line of Colors and they have one light enough for your white ass.”

Well, my white ass was also a dumb ass because I totally believed her! Ha! Little snot.

While there is no Corpse Line of Colors, I do have to get the very lightest one they sell. I’m a pale mo fo!

Two caveats to keep in mind with this stuff:

  1. You should wipe down your face with some water and a washcloth to get any sleepy crust off your mug (mine is usually trails of dried drool and eye boogers).
  2. Use a moisturizing cream under it, but LET IT DRY COMPLETELY or you’re fucked. This powder will turn into some kind of impossible to remove sludge if you have ANY dampness on your face.  I use Estee Lauder Hydrationist Maximum Moisture Cream and while it reminds me of old ladies with fancy creams sitting on doilies on their antique dressing tables, the shit does work. And since I never wash my face, it has quite the job to do. Luckily, it does it well. But I wait about 10 minutes after applying the cream before I put on the powder.

I get compliments all the time on my skin and how smooth it looks. I give 75% of the credit to getting my mom’s genes and 25% credit to Lancome. None of the credit goes to me.

Next product (this one the guys can use too!):

Who out there has feet that you wouldn’t want to take a picture of and use as your profile pic?

Got the Crusty Heel Blues?

I get a pedicure every 4 weeks or so, but since I’m a barefoot mama and try to avoid shoes at all cost I still get feet that are a little rough around the edges. I can tell when I need a trip to the pedicure chair when at night, on my satin sheets, I can hear my feet scrape across the satin and pill the material. That is just fucked up. Ewwwwww!!!

Good news is that I discovered this kick ass, at-home foot belt sander that make my feet feel like the feet of an infant.

If I could and not be weird, I might kiss my own feet all the time like you kiss a baby’s cause they are soft as can be.

And the fun thing is you get to watch all the skin powder from your foot fly up in the air while you sand off the calluses. Yeah, I know, gross. But it’s totally fun too!

foot sanderIt’s the Emjoi Micro-pedi Battery Operated Callus Remover and I got it on Amazon for $30.

I use it for just a minute or two a night and I’m telling you, my feet are delicious now! Plus, I can get cheaper pedicures because I won’t need the callus remover treatment anymore, so this thing will pay for itself in less than 2 pedicures.

Pretty freakin’ awesome, if I do say so myself!

If you guys get them, let me know what you think. I love love love both of them and even sent my sister one of the footie things as a surprise present.

Anyway, those are my post-Christmas treats that I just had to share (along with a few pics below of our Christmas fun!).

Have a great weekend everyone!

HUGS!!

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FREE Kindle books for you! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, even if you are a Humbug! ;)

If you don’t already have all 3 of my books, you can download them for FREE on Kindlechristmas_animated_gifs_05 this Tuesday through Saturday.

Since I’ve tortured all of you with my Christmas decorating pics (here’s one in case you missed it–note the new Christmas Teddy Hammock on the right side!), I thought I’d give you Christmas presents too, starting tomorrow.

Christmas 2014 Plus Teddy Hammock

Remember, if you don’t have a Kindle, no big deal as you can download the Kindle reader to almost any device. Click HERE to download the Kindle reader. And then click HERE to download my books.

If you do have a Kindle, click HERE and download away!

Love you guys! Your friendship and support mean the world to me, so I hope you enjoy my Holiday presents! XOXOXOXO

MerryAWChristmas

arg-dancing-happy-holidays-red-sm-url

 

Christmas Tree Update!

So, you guys recall that I was whining about how half the lights on my tree went out. Well, I bought a ton of both multi-colored lights and warm white lights (LED so they’ll last for at least a few years) and I fixed her up!

Yay! Now the tree isn’t a sad little Charlie Brown tree anymore. It’s all kinds of lit up. I think, in total, there are 1400 lights on it.

I know…whacko…

ChristmasTreeNewLights2014

And in case you are thinking that I am also insane for all of those presents (they are all from me to family and I’m not even done wrapping yet) know that some of them cost about $2.00. We just like to unwrap stuff at Christmas, so one of those presents is a 6 pack of Charmin with a $5 bill taped to it for my mom.

What can I say…clearly we are all nuts.

Love you guys! XOXOXOXOX

Nanny nanny boo boo! ;)

.

I have ALL my Christmas shopping D.O.N.E.!!!! :) Woo hoo! HomerWooHoo

Oh, and I have everything wrapped and under the tree (except just a few presents that FedEx is dragging ass getting to me).

I know. I’m a freaking lunatic! It’s not even Thanksgiving.

But, if it makes you feel any better, a bunch of the lights on my tree went out, so I ordered a bunch of LED replacement lights (hopefully they’ll last for the next 10 years) and I have to take everything off the tree, fix the lights and then redecorate.

I’d almost rather burn down the tree and start from scratch. De-ornamenting (SO not a word!!) a tree to me is almost as miserable as a root canal. ;)

At least with a root canal I get Valium and laughing gas!

Here’s the tree before all the lights started going out (and before I was finished wrapping presents). PS: There are two very un-Christmas-like things in the pic…can you find them?? ;)

ChristmasTree2014

And here’s the living room (again, not quite done yet, but well on its way).

LivingRoomChristmas2014

As you can tell, I’m a Christmas maniac! :) I save all year long to make Christmas extra special for everyone as that makes it awesome for me too.

I hope you guys have a wonderful holiday season, regardless of what you celebrate.

Much love!

It’s time to get down and get funky! (Updated! Yay!)

.

No, I don’t mean to roll in the dirt and get smelly! Though that does sound like fun. ;)

I mean that tonight I’m going to be on LA Talk Radio! The show is called Modern Male Radio and starts at 8pm Pacific time, 11pm Eastern. Woo hoo!

And is it going to be a show!

UPDATE: Here’s the link to listen to the show: KICK ASS YAPPING. Wow, they are fast! Listen to the one dated September 18th, 2014.

Senior Citizen Sex

Not only is it hosted by an incredible author and man about town, Jarod Zavistoski (he’s great!), but co-hosting is Nick Hawk from the Showtime TV show Gigolos.

We’re going to dish about all things relationshippy and how to have more luscious nookie and happy intimacy.

Can’t go wrong with that. Well, unless you hate sex and don’t like people to be nice to you.

If that’s the case, ummmmm…yeah…I got nothin’! ;)

Click HERE or on the pic below to get to LA Talk Radio’s site.

Listen in, my wonderful peeps. We’ll have a great time!

XOXOXOX

The “It takes 3 minutes to make a delicious dessert” Recipe

TGIMFS! Yes, that’s my spin on TGIF with a few extra choice words chucked in. ;)

Here’s another bit of yum for you guys this weekend!

Move over fancy schmancy desserts that take 19 hours and 4 chefs to make.

I have something even better.

But you have to visit the awesome and amazing Bernadette at Rants from My Crazy Kitchen to get the recipe!

That lovely lady has just posted my second recipe designed to let you spend less time cooking and more time enjoying your holiday weekend.

It’s sooooooooooo yummy! It has 4 ingredients. That’s my kind of cooking.

And while I took many wonderful pictures of this batch of yumminess, I forgot to put my stupid memory card into my camera. Can we all say it at the same time? “Duh….” What a dumbass I am! Yep, wiping the drool off my chin right now.

Anyway, I procured a picture that’s similar to what this delicious concoction looks like when finished. Here it is. SLURP!

Pineapple Cherry Dump Cake

Just imagine a bit of pineapple at the bottom of the rest of the lip-smacking goodness and there you have it.

Okay, so time to go over and get the recipe.

Check it out HERE.

It’s also in my cookbook, Darn Good Eats, so if you have that, you have the recipe whenever you want it.

Enjoy!

Have a great weekend! Love you guys!

 

img credit: tammileetips.com

 

My Very Favorite Thing

.

I would like to introduce you all to my favorite thing on earth (save for things that breathe).

Drum roll please….

(Yes, you can click below to hear an actual drum roll. Yes, because I’m a doofus!)

 

Pink Teddy

I LOVE MY PINK TEDDY!

Yeah, I know. I’m creative with my naming conventions. And, believe it or not, she used to be pink.

Now she’s more the color of dirt, sweat, dust mites and other things that you find in a bed. EWWWWW!!! Poor little Pink Teddy! She’s seen (and participated in) things much worse than Car Teddy.

The hubby tells me that the reason my skin has stayed so nice, even though I never wash my face or take off my makeup, is that all the mites run off her while we sleep, crawl up onto my face and eat off all the dirt and makeup. It’s like microdermabrasion via teddy bugs! Yep, I am so gross!

I’ve had my beloved Pink Teddy for about 36 years or so and have slept with her almost every single night of those close to 4 decades.

She’s been with me to the beach, to the lake, and all across the country. I remember running into one of my former bosses at the airport once and her head was sticking up out of my backpack. He was like, “WTF is that?” I figure he travels with his golf clubs. I travel with my Pink Teddy. I consider that a draw. ;)

Here she is with my sister and me on my first day of college in 1988!

Jodi Becky College 1988

She used to be soft and plush. Now…well…you can see for yourself.

I finally got her a little furry coat for a baby and put it on her to help protect her remaining fur. She’s shockingly not thread-bare yet, but she was getting close. Now she kinda looks like a gangster teddy. I love that about her.

I love so much about her really. Not only is she smushed in just the right way to fit into my chest perfectly as I sleep, but she’s seen me through every dark day I’ve ever had. And every wonderful one, too. I can look at her and see how over the years she, like me, has become a bit rough around the edges. She has plenty of scars to show she’s endured for a very long time and has seen a lot of things.

While you may shiver in slight horror over her rather beat up countenance, it’s one of the things I love so much about her. And I also think it’s one of the things that helps me understand that growing older and getting those rough edges is actually a wonderful thing.

I look at my precious teddy and I know we’ve been through a hell of a lot together, but we’ve both survived. She’s my little inspiration and I’m so happy that a million years ago my parents got her for me for Christmas. She was immediately my favorite and while I have hundreds of teddies that I love, she’s the one cuddled into me every night.

Thank the good Lord I’m a hell cat in bed or I don’t know if my men over the years would have taken so well to her intruding in the boudoir.  ;)

Mouthy Broad Alert!

Howdy!

Thank GOD it’s Fuckin’ Friday!!! I swear, my poor little noggin has processed more information this week than it knows what to do with. My brain sponge is full and leaking everywhere. I think I’ve lost memories all the way up to 6th grade.

Yes, that means I’ve forgotten the days when this was my outfit of choice:

Nothing But Trouble

 

So, since I’m now worthless and plan on doing nothing but staring at the TV while drooling (and possibly treating myself to chocolate chip pancakes) for the rest of the day, I thought I’d share that you can check out (read, LIVE BY, obey) my new article at Acquiring Man Magazine. (In case it’s not clear, click either “new article” or HERE to go read it. Yeah, I’m a smart ass…no two ways about it!)  ;)

Love you guys! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend full of chocolate, nookie, furry animals and more chocolate.

Wait…that’s what my weekend is going to look like.

May yours look equally awesome!

AND HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

Mom’s kick ass!!

XOXOXOXOXO