Knight on a Steed…

Or Jester on a Jackass? Find out! ;)

Yeppers, my new article came out just a few minutes ago at Acquiring Man mag. Just wanted to let ya know in case you, well, want more nookie! I know. I’m a perv.

XO

February Acquiring Man Article Graphic

Christmas presents for the peeps that already have it all!

So, the hubby doesn’t really need anything for Christmas. I’ve swamped him with so many presents over the last 6 years for this birthday and Christmas that we can’t fit one more damn thing in the house. He did come up with one thing he needs–a new table saw. So, that’s definitely on the list. But I like to bury him up to his eyeballs in gifts and was running out of ideas. Then I saw a Groupon that would totally be fun.

Grant and I went horseback riding on our honeymoon (I was terrified and riding a limping horse for fuck’s sake!), but haven’t been back since. I figured this would bring back wonderful memories and be a great time in the 75 degree weather of an Arizona winter.

So if you have one of those pesky damn people in your life that already has everything they need and want, so buying presents is a pain in the ass because you have no clue what to get, might I suggest fun stuff to do instead of a material gift? I’ve started taking Mom on vacations each year for her main Christmas present (plus a bunch of other little things too) and now I’m going to start doing that for the hubby. It may sound totally sappy (okay, it IS totally sappy) but those awesome memories are better than something in a box any day.

Of course, since I like to have him unwrap a zillion presents, I made this for him and printed it as an 8×10, and then stuffed it into a box so that he has a gift to unwrap that tells him about his gift. Yeah, I’m a doofus! :)

Christmas present for my Muffin!

Christmas present for my Muffin!

Reunited and it feels so good!

:)

Yes. There was drinking.

Yes. There was inappropriate behavior.

Yes. Laws were broken.

Yes. Babies were made.

Yes. We had a BLAST at my reunion!!!  (Even if we did come home sick as dogs.)

Yes. I really really really really need a tan. I’m almost translucent.

Here’s a little peek at the illicit behavior we reveled in all weekend (faces should have been blurred to protect the not-so-innocent, but fuck it–they get exposed right along with me!)  :)  :)  :)

If the kids can make that stupid damn duck face, so can we!

If the kids can make that stupid damn duck face, so can we!

Yeah. I don't know and I got no excuse!

Yeah. I don’t know and I got no excuse!

I'm pretty sure I sat on a stick 1 second before this pic was taken. Boing!

I’m pretty sure I sat on a stick one second before this pic was taken. Boing!

Yep. Not a normal pic in the bunch yet! At least I don't have red eye!

Yep. Not a normal pic in the bunch yet! At least I don’t have red eye!

I swear my face hurt the next day from giggling all night long.

Do not adjust your screen. I’m blurry in real life too.

Then, the next day I took my baby to DC because he’d never been there before. When you grow up there you think, “Ugh…if I have to tour the White House or go to the Smithsonian ONE MORE TIME!!!!” But he’d never toured around DC before and I hadn’t been there in ages, so we hung out and had a wonderful day! Especially after we got a pedicab to ride us around. My damn friggin’ feet hurt SO much from walking around on 5 inch stilettos for 6 hours the night before. Poor little footies!

Honeybear at the Lincoln Memorial

Honeybear at the Lincoln Memorial

The Reflecting Pool looks like a bad chromakey from some reason!

The Reflecting Pool looks like a bad chromakey from some reason!

And FINALLY!!! A pic where no one’s drunk, no one’s eyes are closed and Grant and I are both smiling without spinach or some other nightmare in our teeth! :)

Happiness Bliss! I love me some hubby!

Happiness Bliss! I love me some hubby!

Well, there ya have it. We came home sore, tired, broke and with some kind of biological weapon used on us (what else makes you sick for OVER A DAMN WEEK??!!), but it was worth everything to go home and see my dear old friends.

It’s amazing how you can go years and years without seeing someone and just pick up right were you left off like not a day had gone by. I’m so truly blessed to have such great people around me.

Okay, I have to go try and drain the 4 gallons of snot currently living in my sinuses into a beach towel. WTF did I catch??? I guess at least it’s not the syph! ;) XOXOXO

PS: How could I have forgotten to put this in here? The pic on the left is from our Senior Day on a big pretty boat cruising the Potomac River back in 1988. The one on the right is of us girls 25 years later. Still love those two awesome mamas!

Trust me...behind those innocent smiles lurk nothin' but trouble!

Trust me…behind those innocent smiles lurk nothin’ but trouble!

Farewell Evil Computer…Hello Awesome Hamster!

So this nightmarish, pissing me off, wanna take a bat to it computer is off to the shop tomorrow! Woo hoo!

Sorry I’ve been so utterly unavailable, but typing with my left hand only (I’m right handed) while I hold the power cord in with my right hand SUCKS DONKEY BALLS! ;) Once I get my computer back, I too will be back with a vengeance and you’ll all want to run for your lives! ;)

To bid you adieu for a short time, I’m going to leave you with a little video treat of me and my hamster. It’s only about 90 seconds and it builds to the final payoff at the end (unlike porn where the climax comes early–no pun intended!).

Enjoy my furry little friend and I’ll talk to you all when I get my ‘puter back.

HUGS and TONS OF LOVE!

Oh and forgive the ungodly mess and all the squished teddy bears in the floor! This is the room where we are storing everything as we remodel the living room, so it is not pretty. Not pretty at all. :)

My Computer Hates Me, But Owlie Loves Me!

Howdy everyone!

I have not died nor decided to shun electricity! I have a computer whose A/C jack isn’t functional so I can only get on my computer if I HOLD the fuckin’ cord in, and even then it doesn’t stay on half the time. UGH!!! Dummyheaded technology! ;)

BUT! Until it gets fixed (please God this week) I wanted to quickly post a few pictures from my recent wildlife adventure. It was truly awesome. Once I can type again with both hands, I’ll post tons of pics and give you all the fun details of my commune with all things furry!

Meet Owlie. He actually grabbed my hair with his feet as he flew by, which made me very happy I wasn’t a toupee-wearing man! ;)

Owlie!

More Owlie

Owlie the Great!

Owlie Kicks Ass

Ain't Owlie Pretty?

And for those of you who like precious little baby bears, here’s a sneak preview of bear love to come!

I love Bears!

HUGS!!

 

Vacation Time!!

I’m goin’ on vacation!!! Woo hoo!!!

As a Christmas present for my mom, I told her I’d treat her to a vacation back home on the east coast. And we’re heading off tomorrow! Yay!!!

Luckily, I was able to save enough airline miles to get us there first class for free. My sweet little 74 year old mommy should be able to enjoy a nice, wide seat and good food, so I did everything but hook on the corner to get airline miles saved for the last year (I plan my Christmas presents WAY in advance). Thankfully, I was able to save enough with 300 miles to spare!

We’re going to hang out in our old home town and then head to the beach. I’m going to eat more blue crabs than anyone on earth. I can’t wait. :)

Mom and Jodi at Christmas

I hope you guys all have a wonderful long weekend (for those of you in the States)! I’ll be back in the next couple of weeks.

Love ya!

In Rememberance of Cereal

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Yeah, yeah, I know…weird topic, right? But I have an undying love of cereal. I’d eat cereal all dang day if the kind I like wasn’t filled with more sugar than a dozen cookies. Mmmm…cookies….

As I just recently found one of my all-time favorite cereals at the store and celebrated by doing a Happy Cereal Dance in the aisle (yes, people stared. No, it was not pretty!) I thought I’d share with you how cereal has affected my life.

  1. Boo Berry, Frankenberry and Count Chocula: What on earth could be better than these? When I was a little girl, my mom didn’t let us eat sweets and candy all the time, much to my sister’s and my chagrin. But frankenberryfor some wonderful reason she let us eat pure sugar cereal. Woo hoo! LOVED those three cereals. And while I usually hate putting more than a small splash of milk into my cereal, for these I would make an exception as the cereal-flavored milk was YUMMY!! Of course now Frankenberry and Boo Berry taste like cardboard vomit. I don’t know why they mess with perfection (except to save a buck here and there–cheap bastards) but I can’t eat either of them now as they taste so nasty. Count Chocula I can still eat, but it’s not as good as before. I think they use leftover cardboard from the cereal boxes in the actual cereal. Oh and they are so skimpy with the marshmallows now! I have to throw away half the box of cereal just to have the proper marshmallow to cereal ratio. WTF?? It’s simply a shame.
  2. Crunchberries: I do love me some Crunchberries. Remember when they were only red in color, not this rainbow of yumminess they currently are?  crunchberries 2The only thing that SUCKS about Crunchberries is that I’ve spent my entire life throwing away 3/4 of the box because I don’t want the Cap’n Crunch that goes along with the Crunchberries. I need at least a 2:1 ratio of Crunchberries to Cap’n Crunch. Essentially,  3 bowls of Crunchberries costs $5 because I throw out most of it. Absolutely ridiculous! So, imagine my sheer delight when I first discovered OOPS Berries. Crunchberries without the Cap’n. WOO HOO!!! It was like a dream come true–both taste bud dreams and wallet happiness dreams! I could eat Oops Berries til the cows came home. I bought 4 boxes and ate until I was sick. Ready to puke and stuck with a bluish-colored tongue, I still had to have more. So back to the store I went and they were GONE! SON OF A BITCH! CrunchberriesWhere are they??? Apparently, they were just a special. NOOOOOO!!!! See, it even says, “Limited time only” on the box. So, I took to the Internet and would buy them in bulk. 10 boxes to an order. I’d be so embarrassed about my Oops Berries addiction that I’d hide like 8 of the boxes in the closet so no one else would eat…OH, I mean, see them. Freudian slip there. ;) Thank God I can now usually find this delicious box of yum at the Fry’s or at the Walmart. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have my Oops. Best damn cereal on earth. (This was the Happy Dance inducing cereal the other day.)
  3. Frootloops and Apple Jacks: Mmmmm…loved these then. Love these now. They are essentially the same cereal to me. I just snuck a single serving of Frootloops into the movie theater 2 weeks ago and crunched frootloops and applejackson it throughout the movie. I’m sure everyone within 10 feet of me wanted me dead. Crunch crunch crunch! As for Apple Jacks, well, my story is a bit naughtier. When I was a teenager my friends and I would sneak out all the time after curfew. ALL the time! It was awesome. Once Mom and the step-dad were asleep and either the A/C or heat kicked on (it made quite the racket) I’d quietly pry open the front door and off I’d be for many hours of illegal activities and whoring. KIDDING! The whoring didn’t start until much later. KIDDING AGAIN! Okay, we’ll just say that my adventures often involved pot, booze and making out, but I kept my pants on for the most part. Anyway, I digress…so one night my best friend and I decided to sneak out. We happened to be sitting on the front porch eating Apple Jacks when our friends pulled up to whisk us away. applejacks in mailboxSo, we stuffed the bowls of Apple Jacks into the mailbox and off we went. Well, those Apple Jacks saved us because we didn’t drag ass back home until about 8:00am and surprise, surprise right as we finished removing the bowls of soggy Apple Jacks from the mailbox my mom (who ALWAYS slept late, dammit!) opened the front door and asked us what in the Hell we were doing. Since I’m a quick thinker I said, “We’re just eating our cereal outside because it’s such a pretty day!” Mom totally fell for it!!! Had we not had bowls of cereal (because who would think we’d stashed cereal in the mailbox overnight?) my mom never would have bought that we had just come from inside the house. She’d have known we were just arriving home. I’d have been murdered. My mom did not put up with that shit and I’d have been killed in a less-than-pleasant way involving thumb tacks and a potato peeler! Apple Jacks saved my life!!!

Okay, I just realized that this is already a tome and I could seriously go on for about 8 more cereals. To save you eye strain, I shall not. I just wanted to share my cereal love with you and how my love affair with it saved my ass one time. My entire teenage years would have been so much more boring had my mom truly busted me. She’d have locked my bedroom door from the outside each night and I’d probably still be a virgin! Eeee Gawds, no!!! :)

How the Hubby and I Cope with Missing Each Other When He’s out of Town.

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Meet Tick Teddy. Tick Teddy is one bad ass mo fo who takes no guff offa anyone. At the same time, he is a sweet little creature and even though he looks like a bloated, blood-filled tick, we love him all the same.

Tick Teddy is very blessed and gets to fly around the world with Daddy on his travels. Tick Teddy has been everywhere. This week he’s in Vancouver, BC and lovin’ life. Actually, I think he may be partying a bit much, but he can take it. Like I said, he’s bad ass.

So, today I get a picture of Tick doing his thing with a little commentary to go along with it. This is how the conversation ensued.

Tick Teddy gettin' his spin on!

Tick Teddy gettin’ his spin on!

Email from Tick Teddy to Mommy:

Oh …daddy told me that you are a piece of ass…what does that mean?

Email from Mommy to Tick Teddy:

Tick Teddy…I think it’s time we had “the talk.”

Daddy is what is known as a perverted stinker. Perverted stinkers like to grab hold of sweet, angelic little girls (like Mommy) and defile them with their joysticks. In order for perverted stinkers like Daddy to want to take advantage of that doe-like innocence, the girl must first be, as Daddy said, “a piece of ass.” Otherwise, Daddy’s joystick isn’t so full of joy.

Now, go kick Daddy for making me corrupt you like this at your sweet and tender age. Oh, and while he’s curled up in the floor crying from your swift kick, tell him Mommy loves him. It’s good to measure out both pleasure and pain at the same time–but that discussion is for another day.

Mommy loves you, Tick Teddy!

Yep, that’s how we do it in the Ambrose house. :)

MY KICK BUTT NEW COOKBOOK IS AVAILABLE! Yay! Happiness!

I am soooooooooooooooooooooo happy to tell you that my new cookbook is available as of this morning! Woo hoo!!!

Yay!!!!! Here it is!

For those of you who haven’t heard me talk about it before, here’s the blurb from the back of the book so that you know that it’s a cookbook with a rather different spin on cooking.  :)

Whether you love to cook or would rather starve than spend time in a kitchen, Darn Good Eats: The Cookbook for Creative Chefs and Reluctant Cooks is for you!

Reluctant Cook and author Jodi Ambrose teamed up with her Creative Chef husband, Grant, to bring you a cookbook with an unusual twist. Darn Good Eats provides scrumptious recipes for both the kitchen aficionado and the bumbling cook. Pooling together all of their combined kitchen savvy, they’ve created a cookbook that applies to anyone and everyone.

Along with a list of must-have items for your kitchen, helpful measurement conversions, delightful personal anecdotes and a witty sense of humor, this cookbook delivers over 70 delectable and inspired recipes for both the kitchen novice and cooking expert. You no longer have to be a good cook to make great food.

So that it’s easy to navigate, the cookbook is split into two parts. The first part is for Creative Chefs who love, or at least like, to cook. It contains tantalizing recipes which range from simple to challenging and are bound to be crowd-pleasers. The second part is for people who prefer eating over cooking and find the kitchen to be more of a chore than a delight. The Reluctant Cook will now have a wonderful array of options for making “homemade” meals that (shhh…don’t tell) in some cases are far from homemade, but are still mouthwateringly delicious.

Whether you love or hate the kitchen, Darn Good Eats: The Cookbook for Creative Chefs and Reluctant Cooks has plenty of tasty recipes to please even the most discerning palate. We know that you’ll enjoy both the food and fun contained within this cookbook and we wish for you many happy and delicious meals.

I’ve published both a full-color interior version and a black & white interior version so that it’s affordable for everyone and if you want to get some as holiday presents you have a choice on which one to get. Both have the full-color cover.

As of right now, you can get them at Amazon as printed books. In the near future, they’ll be available for the Kindle and Nook, but formatting them (especially with bullets and numbered lists) is a NIGHTMARE and takes forever. You’d think that Kindle and Nook would have figured out how to properly format something so simple by now. Over the next couple of months, the black & white interior version will be available online at Barnes & Noble and other places, but you can get them at Amazon today.

Here’s the link to the color version on Amazon: CLICK HERE TO GET A COPY

Here’s the link to the black & white version on Amazon: CLICK HERE TOO!

I hope you guys love the cookbook! My hubby and I worked very hard to bring you the recipes that we love the most, with just a little bit of sass thrown in the mix. No worries though. For a change of pace there are no F-bombs in one of my books. ;) This one is rated G.

Hugs!! Enjoy!!!

Utterly Random Babbling from a Fruitcake

Actually, I don’t like fruitcake. I do like banana nut bread though. Mmmmm…banana nut bread. Now I want some. I do think I’m going to make some funnel cakes this weekend. Talk about yummy and SO healthy!! ;) Lord, my ass grew 3 inches just thinking about funnel cake. :)

Since a bunch of you have asked where I ran off to last week and why I haven’t been around its because the hubby and I went to visit his family last week in Minnesota. The weather was AWESOME! Nice and cool and cloudy and the trees were so colorful. It was just beautiful. Why someone like me, who hates heat and the awful torturer known as the sun, lives in AZ is beyond me. I’m not bright, I guess.

Okay, so for my rambling thoughts (and they are rambles, let me warn you!! As a matter of fact, no one should even read this. Run from your computer now!!!).

  1. People who are dickfaces can suck it. How’s that as a start? ;) I say this because in the last couple of weeks I ran up against a dickface. (Ooohhh, that sounds dirty…) I try to never surround myself with such people because my normally agreeable, fairly sweet self gets stuffed into a jar and the “Don’t fuck with me or I’ll cut you” side of me comes bubbling out. For example, back when I used to party in Scottsdale some of the funnest times I had were slowly disassembling cocky assholes at bars until they were fetal and crying for mommy. I just can’t take it when a guy comes up and essentially says, “I’m the shit (ummmm…no). I’m hot (they rarely are). I’m rich (they never are). I’m drive a fancy car (leased and paid for by them and their 9 roommates). I only like girls with fake tits (mine are real, douchebag). I don’t like girls with opinions (as that means you have to actually think to have a proper conversation). I’ll buy you a drink, but expect head as a thank you (on this they are never kidding). Everyone loves me–I know you do too (not in your wildest dreams, mo fo).” While I’m sure a better person than me would just blow them off, every one and I while I get a little hot in the blood and have to verbally throw down until my opponent is decimated. I know this makes me a bad person (it doesn’t happen that often!) but I just cannot suffer fools and people who behave like that just fuel my fire. I know there is the female equivalent to my bar guy, so gentlemen don’t think I don’t understand that chicks can be just as annoying. :)
  2. If you are not happy with your life, change it. I know this is WAY easier said than done. I know there is no magic wand that we can just wave and BING! we’re rich, happy, healthy and built like a brick shit house. But there are things one can do to make life a little happier. All this constant sulking and blaming and whining and blah blah blah is so pointless. Don’t get me wrong. I occasionally sulk and whine. Everyone gets to do that every once and a while. But to just live life like that is a waste. First step to a happier life? Cut the people who make you want to kill things out of your life. If you can’t stand them or they make you unhappy, choose to not be around them. If they don’t like that, tough shit. They need to be nicer or then can go screw.
  3. I need a ranch. Yep. One of these days, I’m going to have a ranch with chickens and goats. I want the little pygmy goats that are black and white and look like cow-goats. Then they’ll also look like my Moopy kitty. I’ll have a Moopy Cat and Moopy Goats. Ahhh…sounds like heaven.
  4. While I love traveling in first class, there shouldn’t be one. I got Grant and myself an upgrade on the way to Minnesota and it was HEAVEN!!! You can see how much we enjoyed it by the pic. Even the teddies were in heaven. Yes, we travel with teddies. But I digress. If they could just give everyone a speck more room and treat everyone with a little more dignity, then we could ALL be happier on a plane. I understand they can’t give out free food and drinks to a plane full of people. They’d go bankrupt. But if we could just get a little more space and not (in most, but not all, cases) be treated like a chore, then those sitting in coach may not want to burn down all of first class.

    Tick Teddy and Dopple Bear having the time of their lives! DRUNKS!!

  5. I miss my furries when I’m away from them. I guess this is how people with kids must feel when they are away from the kiddos for an extended period of time. I wanted my little kitties in my lap while I was out of town. I missed their stupid retardedness so much. I love me a FuzzyButt and Moopers. :)
  6. I”m never happier than when I’m at a zoo with my honeypie. :) That one kinda speaks for itself.

    Grant and me on our 5 year 1st date anniversary. :)

  7. I’m going to be a photographer at a wedding in 2 weeks. Woo Hoo! I’m terrified that I’ll fuck it all up, but deep down I know I won’t. I usually take pretty darn good pictures, so hopefully I won’t go blind between now and then. A friend of mine has been with her guy for 17 years (and she’s only like 35!) and they are finally tying the knot. Can you see why I’d be scared to death to have that responsibility? But I figure if I take 2000 pics, I can find at least 10 that’ll be presentable. Keep your fingers crossed, please!! :)
  8. Quartz countertops stain. DON’T BELIEVE ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THEY DON’T!!! Liars!!! We just redid our kitchen and when deciding on a countertop I told the lady that we needed something that wouldn’t stain. I was willing to get a super-dark counter (even though the white is so pretty and clean looking) if it meant that it would be worry free. The LIAR told me that I could let coffee and red wine sit on the white quartz for 2 years and it wouldn’t stain. Ummmm…NOT TRUE! My brand new, expensive countertop SUCKS. The countertop inspector guy is coming over in an hour to look at it. I can only hope he can figure something out because if I have to sue Home Depot, I will.
  9. I have THE best Mommy ever!The more I hear people’s stories, and see first hand, what other people have had to deal with when they have moms that aren’t so sweet and loving, I appreciate my mommy more and more. I’m pretty sure my mom has never said an unkind word to me in my entire life. My mom is a sweet little Southern Baptist and when I was in my teens I dressed like a street whore and listened to AC/DC. She never once made me feel judged or unloved. Ultimately, I was a pretty good girl. Yeah, I drank my share and may have puffed off of a few things that burned, but I was always a nice kid and never got into really bad things. I mean, I never went to school, but I ended up pretty well in terms of education. Through all of this, my mom never criticized me. Don’t get me wrong, she was tough. We couldn’t cuss (can you IMAGINE????). We had ridiculously early curfews and got severely grounded if we were late. She didn’t put up with any backtalk or any bullshit, but she understood that we were individuals, so she let us fly high our freak flags. :) God bless a good mommy.

    Yep, that’s me 100 years ago with a can of Busch beer and no, that is not cigarette smoke in the air.

    Okay, I’ve got to go get ready for the kitchen inspector. If you actually stayed the course and read this tome, bless your heart. I was just having Random Thought Friday and thought I’d share. :) Have a great weekend, everyone! :) XOXO

    PS: I know “countertop” is two words, but it should be one word, so I took a stand! ;)