Tag Archives: kindness

Jun 15 2012

Hang up your freaking phone while I pee or I will END you!

The next person who talks on the phone in a public bathroom while I am doing my girl-business is going to be on the receiving end of my wrath! ;)

As you guys know, I’m not a proponent of public bathroom anything. My husband doesn’t even know I have a colon or a bladder. He doesn’t need to know. I run the water in the bathroom when anything is going on because NO ONE needs to hear my “bidness.” I pretend I’m brushing my hair or teeth or something other than what I’m doing.

I do realize I am probably a bit insane about such things. If you’ve read my book excerpts, you know how I feel about potty-time. I’m a whacko, I know. But setting my insanity aside, who on God’s green earth thinks it’s appropriate, polite or at all acceptable to be on the phone in a public bathroom if anyone else is in there?

Let me set the stage for the tragic, horrifying phone/bathroom incident I bore witness to recently.

The hubby and I were having dinner in a really nice restaurant–no plastic utensils and they actually had tablecloths. We even had a lit candle on the table. It was lovely. At the end of the meal, I excused myself to go “powder my nose” and when I got to the bathroom it was clear that someone was having a rough time in there. Poor girl. As if being tummy-sick isn’t bad enough, but in public, at a fancy pants restaurant? Total suckage. But 5 glasses of water was taking its toll on me, so I had to stay in there. As I’m preparing to make my deposit, a chick walks in smacking gum like she was in a contest and loudly talking on her phone to a girlfriend. Here’s how it went:

Phone idiot: “Yeah, so I ordered the lobster. Why not? If he’s going to date me, he’s gotta pay! …I know! Right? Dumb ass man. I just wore my red dress…yeah, that’s the one. Whoa! What the hell is that smell? Did something die in here?”

There I am, hiding in a stall, thinking several things:

  • You stupid cow, get the hell out of the bathroom.
  • What a bitch to say such a thing where people can hear her.
  • Why are you on the phone in the toilet room?
  • You are clearly a gold digging whore so I hate you anyway. ;)
  • God, please don’t let her think that awful olfactory nightmare is coming from me! (Horribly selfish thought, I know.)

Phone idiot: “Jesus…I hear one girl peeing. Another girl is apparently dying. This place sucks.”

There I am, still hiding in my stall, thinking:

  • It’s a bathroom, you stupid moron. What else do you expect to find? A pedicure chair?
  • GET OUT so I can finish peeing.
  • Oh god, that poor sick girl. It’s just getting worse and worse it here. It’s humid from the misery in the stall 2 doors down. I’m going to die.
  • If I leave the stall now, I’m going to have to beat her to death with her phone. I don’t wanna go to jail. Remain in the stall!

Phone idiot: “I can’t believe anyone would do this in a public place! Can’t you wait until you get home?”

At this point, I’m done. D.O.N.E. Done! I’m going to leap over the stall door (think Superman here) and teach her a lesson on kindness and etiquette. I quickly get myself situated, roll up my sleeves, prepare myself for battle, come out of the stall, and this girl is Mike Tyson in a dress! If she didn’t spend 17 hours a day in the gym, then I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. SHIT!!! What to do now? Just because she’s Tyson (in both personality, looks and demeanor) doesn’t give her a free ride to be a douche bag. So, I gathered up all my strength, said a quick prayer about the safe continuation of my teeth in my mouth (she had HUGE, scary hands!) and said, “Excuse me. I need to get to the sink.” I washed my hands and ran for the door. Yep, I’m total chicken shit!!

Aside from my scaredy-cat behavior, the moral of the story is to GET OFF YOUR FRIGGIN’ PHONE IN THE BATHROOM!!! People want you dead when you are jabbering away on your cell, whether or not they say it. It’s horribly rude. And who wants to be on the other end of the phone listening to splishes and splashes and all kinds of icky stuff? The one place where a woman should always feel like she can take care of her business without an audience is a bathroom.

So, next time you are on the phone in a public bathroom just know that every person in there wants to kick your ass black and blue. They may be too polite (or chicken) to say anything, but if you were to catch fire and asked any of your bathroom victims for help, I’m quite certain none of them would even piss on you to put you out. Well, maybe they’d do that because the irony would be delicious, but I wouldn’t count on it. :)

Picture procured from: http://blog.timesunion.com/hottopics/eww%E2%80%A6-most-americans-use-cell-phones-in-the-bathroom/7554/. Smart ass commentary procured from my brain. :)

May 24 2012

STOP! Don’t stab him while he sleeps!

Seriously, it’s not wise to kill a man while he’s sawing logs.

Even though you may sincerely want to.

Even though you think there are no other options.

Even though you are positive a jury would never convict.

Don’t do it.

I’ve wanted to before. More times that I can count. That incessant snoring that makes you want to die or commit murder is too much to bear! (See, you thought I was serious about murdering people while they slept…never! Well…not anymore at least.) ;)

My dad was a snorer. Good lord, it sounded like a plane was landing onto the roof of the house. My step-father snored so damn loud that you could hear it 25 feet down the hall and through 2 closed doors. Talk about wanting to kill???

Then, almost 20 years of a snore-free life. Somehow, I lucked out and had no men in my life that snored anymore. It was delicious. Delectable. Divine. I got to actually SLEEP!!! I’m an insomniac by nature, so when I do finally fall asleep, I really, desperately need to stay asleep.

Alas, along came my precious hubby. Holy ever-loving God. I’ve NEVER heard such a racket. EVER! The entire bed vibrates. The first two years of our relationship was me taking an insane amount of over the counter sleep meds to try and fall asleep (NOT healthy!) and jamming the nose of my teddybear into one ear and jamming my finger into the other ear in a wild attempt to drown out the cacophony taking place a mere 6 inches from my head. Of course, as soon as you start to fall asleep, your fingers (and teddybear nose) fall away from your ears and BAM!!!! Awake again and awake to stay.

Now, those of you who know me know that I love my husband more than oxygen. I’d happily jump in front of a bullet for him. But…not killing him in his sleep was the greatest challenge of my life. I loved him so much during the day, but spent every night kidney punching him, pushing him, rolling him over, pinching his nose shut. Oh, it was awful! I’d have felt bad for him EXCEPT if he hadn’t been snoring he could have slept unscathed.

Know this: If anyone has ever told you that you snore–YOU SNORE!! I know it’s not your fault. Heck, when I have a bad cold I snore a tiny bit too. It’s not just a guy problem. If your wife snores I imagine you want her dead just about every night too. ;)

So, here’s a solution. It may not work for everyone, but it damn sure has worked for us. I’ve told many people about it and have gotten huge thank you letters (that weren’t written from prison…whew…) My wonderful hubby was willing to try the, as we call it, “Mouthy Thing” from puresleep.com. That is the only brand I know of that works, there may be others. But this is the only one I’ll ever buy.

Here’s how it works. You boil it in water and mold it to your teeth. It slightly juts your bottom jaw forward as you sleep so that you don’t snore. WARNING: for the first 10 days his jaw was slightly sore in the mornings for about 15-30 minutes. But that wore off and it’s a damn sight better than bleeding out after wifey finally succumbs to the ever-pending nervous breakdown . Now he wears it every night and doesn’t even think twice about it. It’s reduced his snoring by about 85%. It’s HEAVEN!!!

Now, if you are a snorer and think, “Why the hell should I do that??? I sleep just fine!” Yeah, YOU sleep fine. But no one else does. Part of a loving relationship is wanting the other person to be healthy and happy. Let me assure you that if your significant other is not getting proper sleep, they are not happy nor healthy. Lack of sleep is one of the most mentally and physically debilitating situations a person can be in (besides earthquakes, tornadoes, the zombie apocalypse, etc…) Plus, they do sincerely hate you every night as they get into bed.  They may never tell you that, but it’s true 9 times out of 10. We know if you could, you’d not snore. We know you aren’t trying to make us weep uncontrollably at the mere thought of crawling into bed with you. Alas, that is usually the case. You, Mr. or Mrs. Snorer will only be minimally inconvenienced for the first week or so as your jaw adjusts to it. But then you’ll be fine. That is such a small price to pay for the eternal love and gratitude you’ll get from your finally-sleeping love.

Plus, they go on sale all the time. I think we got 2 for $65 bucks or so and they last between 9-15 months each.

Show your honeybunny how much you love them and how much you want to live to see your next birthday and get yourself one. I bought mine for my man and am always the buyer of them. BEST MONEY I’VE EVER SPENT. If I had to hook on the corner for the cash, I’d do it. I’ve got mad skills. :)

So go! Go NOW! Get one and see just how much happier  your home will be. :) XOXOXO

Image procured from http://www.herdaily.com/health/760/are-you-snoring-check-this-out-.html

May 14 2012

Today is Don’t Be A Dumbass Day!

Okay, so I saw some severely dumbass behavior today and I’m here to put a stop to it! ;)

I’m at a resort in Tucson, Arizona right now. Not on vacation as I still have to work all day (God bless working from home) but I did run up to the pool area during lunch to check it out. While I was there this guy, who had an AMAZING looking woman on his arm, was paying no attention to her and had his tongue hanging out at every girl who walked by. I’m quite certain he will need a neck brace by the end of his stay from all the head-turning going on.

You could easily tell his girl was P.I.S.S.E.D. off. She had her arms folded across her ample chest. She had an “I’m going to murder you in your sleep” look on her face. And her right hand was twitching uncontrollably. You would have to be blind to NOT see the rage pouring off this poor girl.

My first reaction was to go up to the guy and punch him in the face. Since I wasn’t in the mood for prison, my second thought was to go up to him and tell him what a buffoon he is. But he was a pretty big guy and I was a chicken. My third thought was to go apologize to his girl for the fact that her man is a complete asshat and recommend she immediately leave (or poison) him. Alas, I kept my nose out of it, though it was a challenge.

Here are my thoughts for the day regarding being a dumbass (whether you are male or female):

  1. Don’t be one. Pretty simple, right?
  2. If you feel dumbass behavior coming on, like the flu, stop it. You have a choice on whether or not to be a dick or a bitch. Stay away from the dark side.
  3. If you are with someone, pay attention to them. Whether they are supermodel material, like the chick today, or a normal looking person like the rest of us, you are with THEM! Show some damn respect. So often people think it’s about insecurity. It’s not always about that. It’s about respect. If you are with someone, you are with them. Not every other hot piece of ass that walks by.
  4. If you no longer want to be with someone and that’s why you are treating them like shit, do them a favor and break up with them. They most certainly deserve better.
  5. When in doubt, in regards to all behaviors, think first about how you’d feel if someone did something shitty to you or said something unkind. How would you feel? If you think you wouldn’t much like it, then maybe you shouldn’t do it either.

People talk about the Golden Rule. Treat others as you want to be treated. I have that view and another one. I call it the Platinum Rule. Treat others as they want to be treated. Men and women are different. We think differently, we act differently, we communicate differently. And that’s good. It’s okay to have differences. But underneath it all, we all want to be treated kindly and with respect. Believe me, you will be in awe over how wonderful your life can be if you treat others well. They become nicer and happier. As a result they’ll be nicer to you. Then you’ll be happier too. That, my friends, is a win/win situation.

Now all I need to find is my stepladder as standing way up on this soapbox is scary. Time to get down! ;)

 

 

Soapbox image procured from: http://majorinthegraceofgod.blogspot.com/2012/03/what-does-your-soapbox-say.html

May 11 2012

Love is all about the ketchup!

Things to notice about how the hubby fixed me lunch:

  1. The olive and parsley garnish. How friggin’ cute is that???
  2. He cut the crust off my light bread (gotta save calories when I can.)
  3. He glopped ketchup all over the hotdog, but he knows I like more ketchup than will fit on a hotdog, so he made me the happy ketchup man as a bonus.
  4. He positioned one of my favorite teddy bears (Daisy Pockets) right by my snack.

This, my friends, is true love. Just like I say in my books, it’s not about the money. It’s not about the big vacations. It’s about all the little things your love does to show you how they feel. My heart about exploded when I saw this. Talk about heart warming. :)

Tonight, I think all of you should do something like this for your honey. (Uh oh, I used the word “should.” How naughty of me!) It’s the kind of thing they’ll remember for a long time and what a wonderful way to start the weekend. Dammit, I love gooey stuff! I know, I’m a dork.