Tag Archives: language

Mar 19 2013

I like big words and I cannot lie! (But NOT if they make no sense, dammit!!!!)

.Big Bootie!

I’m shakin’ my ass all over the place now that the Big Butts song is stuck in my head!! ;)

Alas, I digress. Let’s get down to it!

Good grief. People drive me bonkers.

All of you guys know that I like to rant and fume about grammar, punctuation, word choice, etc… I find it fun (if not horribly hypocritical since I make mistakes all the time!) to throw fits over the ways that people speak and write. I’m a hideous person. I know.  ;)

I  also know that I like to occasionally use words that are longer than 6 letters. Not because they are longer than 6 letters, but because they fit with what I’m trying to say. I’m an old (stress the word old) English major, so I’ve read a bunch and know a fair amount of words.

BUT!!!! What I do NOT do is throw in 25 cent words to try and make myself sound smart because guess what? It doesn’t make anyone sound smart to use big words for the sole purpose of using big words and confusing people. It only makes the person speaking (or writing) look like an insecure asshat when they use words, especially buzz words, to sound all fancy.

This drives me insane: “I’m smarter than you because I said, ‘wheelhouse, out of the box and quorum’ all in one sentence! Don’t you feel dumb that you didn’t understand my sentence at all? You should, because I’m smart and use words in a way that no one gets because I’m brilliant and you are stupid.”

I swear, people who speak like that make me want to pull my hair out for several reasons. 1) Stop being a pompus ass! 2) You aren’t communicating effectively, you retarded moron 3) You are clearly incredibly insecure because you are trying to sound smart by confusing everyone with your idiotic words.

If no one understands you, then maybe you shouldn’t speak? What’cha think about that? I personally like that idea.

If you say this sentence, “I think we should meet on Friday to discuss the project,” like this, “I am in favor of uniting a quorum of individuals to address which artifacts should be discussed in our iterative meeting  based on the developmental progress of our deliverable on the last day of the work week,” I immediately want to kill you. And not just kill you, but KILL YOU kill you. Painfully. With malice. Some kind of medieval or Shakespearean kind of death.

Why oh why does anyone think they sound smart by speaking like that? Why? Help me understand. I don’t get it. It’s so annoying and frustrating and makes me feel sorry for you. I think to myself, “Awwww…that poor fucking idiot must feel so small and stupid that they think speaking like a research paper being graded on a per-word basis makes them sound smart.”

Sorry, I know that my filter removal is at an all-time high (especially the death threats) but I’m constantly surrounded by people who do that and it makes me want to jam pencils into my ears while screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

ScreamingOtter

Communication, effective communication, is all about speaking or writing in a way in which people are able to, wait for it… understand what you are saying. If you aren’t effectively communicating, then why bother speaking?

My heart goes out to people who are so insecure. I want to both shake the shit out of them and pat their little insecure heads and tell them it’ll all be okay.

Alrighty, I’m done. All these words have worn me out. I’m going mono-syllabic for the rest of the day. (Right!!) ;)

Feb 3 2013

THESE ARE NOT WORDS, &*%*&#^!!!!!!

   .

First and foremost let me say that I make up words all the time and/or use words incorrectly (usually on purpose though). If the King’s English doesn’t give me the word I want then I’ll create my own.

For example: Flarmp. That’s not a word, but I bet it gets used in my house at least 10 times a week. To the hubby and me, the word Flarmp means the act of a kitty just dropping and rolling in a very deliberate way and usually next to our legs in order to smush against us to get love. There is also the Force Flarmp where WE Flarmp the kitty so that we can give it love. I don’t even know how we came up with the word–it just seemed to fit the act of kitty love dropping.

Also, I make up words in my blog sometimes. Yesterday, I used the word “smartassedness” in a comment. I even mentioned how it wasn’t a word, but it just fit perfectly in the sentence so I used it anyway.

But, there are certain words roaming around out there in the public that are either not words or are words being used incorrectly that make me wanna pull my hair out when I hear them.

Now, please believe me that I’m not trying to be a douche bag here. If any of you use these words, please know that I’m not trying to be a meanie. I’m just putting out there that maybe using words correctly and/or correctly pronouncing words may be beneficial. Especially if you are in a job interview or some other important situation–you want people to know how wonderful and smart you are without getting hung up on the little things that didn’t come out quite right (as people tend to do).

In order to let you know that I am sincerely not trying to be mean, let me share with you a few of my colossal word fuck ups. And just so you know, I’m well aware that I probably have a ton of grammatical errors, punctuation mishaps and stupid word choice issues in this very post, so know that I cast the first stone at myself! Lord knows I screw up all the time! :)

  1. Exorbitant: I always said it as “exorbiNant” and thank God someone finally corrected me.
  2. Veranda: Which is a font but not a font anyone knows because it’s actually “VerDaNa.” I’ve been weirdly dyslexic for oh about 20 years with the name of that damn font and NO ONE ever corrected me! I’ve just sounded like an idiot for 20 years. Ugh. I’m incredibly thankful a coworker corrected me the other day. I felt like such a doofus, but at least I’ll say the word correctly from now on.
  3. Purview: For some reason I got it stuck in my head that “purview” and “view” could be used interchangeably. Had you asked me if they meant the same thing I’d have said no and told you why. But for some reason the “come up with words quickly” part of my brain told my mouth to say “purview” before I had time to stop the “pur”. No clue why. I think I may have beaten that outta my head at this point–hopefully. (See, I’m pretty sure I used the word “hopefully” incorrectly.)
  4. Sammich: I know it’s sandwich, but my grandma used to say “sammich” when she was being playful and so when I say/write it that way it reminds me of her.
  5. Good vs. well: I intentionally use these incorrectly sometimes if I’m trying to put across a certain emotion. For example, if someone asks me how my day is going and it has been the day from hell, I’ll sometimes say in specific tone of voice, “Good, good…how’s yours?” If I said, “Well, well…how’s yours?” it would just sound weird.

Okay, now here’s the list of words/non-words that drives me insane:

  1. Boughten: No one has ever “boughten” anything. Ever. Period. You either buy something or you have bought something. You have never boughten anything in your life.
  2. Anyways: There is NO “s” on the end of that word. I used to say it with an “s” also and my mom harped on me EVERY DAMN TIME it came out of my mouth incorrectly. I am soooo (another incorrectly used word of mine as “so” only has one “o”) thankful she did. I want to do the same thing every time I hear someone else do it, but I don’t as I’m sure that is a justifiable cause for murdering me.
  3. ConversAted. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You conversed with someone. You had a conversation with them. You are conversing with them. You have never conversAted anyone, anywhere.
  4. Medium: Wait, that is a word. But it is NOT a substitute for the word “median” and when I hear traffic people say that there is a car up on the medium so traffic on Scottsdale Road is slow I immediately want to find their helicopter and blow it up. It’s bad enough if we normal people use it incorrectly, but your JOB as a traffic person is to know words that relate to traffic and roads. Median is a pretty important part of road construction, so please use that word from now so that you don’t sound like a complete moron.
  5. HeightH: I understand that it’s “widtH”, breadtH” and “lenghtH” but it is not “heightH”. There is no H on the end of “height”, only a T. So quit it with the TH sound. Please?
  6. Supposebly: It’s “supposedly.” Just say it correctly from now on, please.
  7. Expresso: Is there an X in espresso? No. I didn’t think so.
  8. Probly: IT’S “PROBABLY” DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!!
  9. Axed, warshed, wrassaled, greazy and pissa: I totally understand that these word pronunciations are dialect-driven. My mom is southern and says things like “Geminee” for “Gemini” and though the “ee” pronunciation is the 2nd way to say it as listed in the dictionary, it still makes me go insane especially since I am a Gemini. My step-father of a few years came from somewhere where pizza was pronounced “pissa” and greasy was pronounced “greazy” and I’d want to scream every time I heard him say either word. So, in these cases I totally get that it’s dialect-driven and probably what someone grew up hearing so it seems completely normal to them…but can we please break the cycle of word-abuse? Please?
  10. Cra-cra: Okay, the word “crazy” has 2 syllables. So does the un-word “cra-cra.” So, can we please just go back to crazy? I’ll give you a dollar. ;)

Last year I did a post on words like: ginormous, trending, wheelhouse and other annoying as fuck words, so I won’t repeat them here, but please stop using those too. They are simply horrible.

I think from now on I’m going to make this face when I hear any of the above words being used. In an effort to NEVER see this disturbing face again, maybe people will stop using them? Maybe? Please God…

Jodi Crazyface

And, just so you know, I’m aware that a language needs to change or it will die–just like a shark needs to keep swimming or it will become fish food. We need to keep adding to our language or it will go the way of Latin. But can we at least use common sense and a wee bit of caution before we bastardize it to the point of being unrecognizable? I just cannot hear this anymore, “Me and him were conversating about trying a expresso and new that it would probly taste badly, but we boughten it anyways.” Pardon me for a moment, I’m going to go hang myself.

 

PS: for those of you in the United States–GO RAVENS!!! (I’m actually a Redskins chick, but if it can’t be them then I hope B’more kicks some ass! :)

Jul 26 2012

I love ranting yes I do, doo dah, doo dah. I love ranting yes I do, all the doo dah day!

I’m hoping you sang along with me as you read the title of this blog. I think a old timey, out of tune song now and again is a good thing. Of course, my cats ran away shrieking at the sound of my rather off key voice! BRATS! No more food for them, ungrateful mongrels!

So, while I indulged my brain in a nice computer-free vacation, I got to relax around the TV set. I hate to admit it, but I do love my boob tube. Man, were there a lot of boobs to look at (both boob-boobs and intellectual boobs).

While lazing about the house and putting a permanent ass-dent in the sofa I noticed a few rather irksome things in my trash TV. Things that got my editor brain aching with pain. Things that got my innate dislike of The Man all riled up. So, I thought I’d share.

Here are two things that made me pause the TV every time they happened (constantly) and say to my husband, “What the fuck? People are stupid and corporations can eat me. Ugh!” He’d chuckle, pat my head, and turn right back to his video games. He’s so patient. ;)

ONE: What ever happened to the “LY” on the end of an adverb? Did I miss a memo that said that people no longer had to use LY? Is it sooooo difficult and time consuming to speak with even a modicum of intelligence anymore? Apparently, the answer to that question is yes. Now, don’t get me wrong–I have typos sometimes. I’m sure I say things incorrectly. I’m no saint and even might be a slight hypocrite, but if you are going to be on TV can you at least attempt to speak somewhat properly?

Here are some examples:

  1. “Wow, you performed beautiful.”  Doesn’t that just sound wrong coming out of your mouth? Doesn’t your brain register that something is missing?
  2. “You did that careful.” NO! He did it carefulLY!
  3. “I waited patient. He took forever.” No You Di’int. (Typo intentional. ;) )
  4. “He spoke so arrogant.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t use big words if you don’t know how to use them proper.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My internet connection just went down and I lost the last half of this damn post. SHIIIIIIIIT POOP ASSFACE %$#^$%%!!! This sucks!!!!  Someone please find the owner of Cox and kill him. Please? Well dang. It took forever to write and now it’s gone. Okay, it’s never as good the second time I write something, so expect this to suck. ;)

TWO: As if television shows aren’t challenged enough in maintaining my suspension of disbelief, do they really not think it completely goes away when they insert a commercial into the script of a show? I’m not talking about regular commercials. I mean actually written into the script. Argh! The moment they do it, I’m no longer involved in the story because they are rudely (LOOK! an LY!) reminding me that the entire purpose of the TV show is not to entertain, but to make money. I know that in part of my brain, but I like to at least have them fake it for me by not shoving products down my throat with scripted dialog.

  1. Rizzoli and Isles, corpse cutter interacting with meddling mom. The mom is about to wear high heels for the first time in years and the friendly body chopper has the solution to her impending foot pain. “I have a solution for you. Use these Dr. Sholl’s shoe inserts. You’ll be able to wear you shoes all day and be comfortable. Dr. Sholl’s make your feet happy.”
  2. 90210 (SHUT IT! I know…I should be ashamed.) Pretty blonde girl talking to pretty brunette girl as they get ready to go out on the town. Pretty brunette girl, “Wow, you always look so great.” Pretty blonde girl, “I know. It’s because I use Rimmel mascara. It makes my lashes long and lush and my legs pliable and gappy. You should go buy some. Rimmel is amazing.”
  3. Bones, yet another corpse cutter (do I have a thing for corpses??) talking with Mr. Tough Guy FBI Dude. They are driving somewhere in the car and she’s concerned about finding the location. Luckily for them, they have… “This great GPS system that will help us find any location. With my in-dash TomTom, we can get anywhere quickly and easily. TomTom even gives blowjobs, so I no longer need you. Now GET OUT!”

Okay, so there was some SLIGHT embellishment there, but you get the point. As soon as one of those in-script commercials happens, it take me 5 minutes to get back into the show. Now, I understand that with the invention of the DVR that we are no longer forced to watch regular commercials which compel us to eat McDonalds (mmmm…fillet o’fish!), suck on Dilly Bars (mmmmm…ice milk…), buy fancy cars (mmmmm…Hyundai. Oh, that one’s not so great), or go on those dream vacations we cannot afford (vacation? yeah, right). But to actually write them into the script? C’mon people!

We’ve all endured product placement for decades and decades. All you have to do is watch last week’s True Blood to see a group of illiterate murders sitting around a HUGE 12 pack of Old Milwaukee (seriously? Old Milwaukee?) prominently displayed on an end table to know that some CEO at “Flat Piss Beers R US” paid a million dollars to hawk his wares at us. And that’s bad enough. But do I need to see one of our IQ-challenged murderers pick up the 12 pack and say directly into the camera, “Drink Old Milwaukee. Chicks will give you hummers if you do. And it cures male patterned baldness too.” No. I don’t not need to see that. At least TB didn’t stoop that low.

Well, that’s my rant. I had a really good concluding paragraph earlier before my Internet crashed and since I just cannot come up with anything half as witty as what I had written before I’m not even going to try. ;)

Oh, I AM going to post a HORRIBLY (see, LY again!) inappropriate picture to go along with the first part of this post. I mean, it has language in it that make the F-word look like child’s play. It is AWFUL and you should NOT read it if you don’t like terrible cuss words. I mean it. Don’t give me any guff for this picture because I know it’s foul. My sister sent it to me a while back (she’s a language freak like I am) and I laughed until I thought I’d die. But I like horrible language, especially when it’s done in a clever fashion, so prepare yourselves before you read it. I’m not going to put it in this post because I want to put a HUGE warning in the title so innocent people don’t read it and get all offended. But I sure hope you guys like it! ;) Peace out.

Apr 26 2012

Trending words are not in my wheelhouse

What in the holy hell is a wheelhouse? I think of my hamster running in his cage when I hear the word wheelhouse.

I am fully aware that a language that does not grow, eventually dies–think Latin here. But still!

Here’s a list of words that make me bonkers (please forgive if any of these words are in YOUR wheelhouse!):

  1. Trending. What ever happened to “trendy?” Trending is a verb. Trendy is an adjective. Why the change? Was the “y” somehow offensive?
  2. Wheelhouse. WTF? I’m going to leave it at that.
  3. Ginormous. Kill me. Kill me now. I hate this word so much I would vomit on it were it a tangible thing.
  4. Amazeballs. Makes me immediately think of a guy with ginormous balls. Oops! ;) J/K.
  5. Chillax. If anyone ever told me to chillax I’d hit them in the face with a hammer.
  6. Stacation. Is it really so hard to say, “I’m staying home and relaxing?” Why not, “houscation?” or “homcation?” or “cheapcation?”
  7. Woot. Probably not as bad as I think it is but this wretchedly stupid bitch where I used to work would use it all the time to try and distract us from her massive failures at her job. It did not work.
  8. Anyhoo/anywho. I know, a lot of you probably use this word, but it makes my brain itch.
  9. Butthurt. Ummmm…man, do I have LOTS of things to say about this one. The image that immediately pops into my mind is, well, probably too horrible to articulate here, though I’m DYING to do so.

I’m quite certain I use words that sometimes make people want to duct tape my face, but I’m okay with being annoying. I just hate it when other people are. Again, soooo kidding! I’m feisty this morning!

In parting, may I just say that using ginormous words while describing what’s trending is so in my amazeballs wheelhouse that if you are reading this on your stacation and get butthurt while doing so, all I have to say is chillax. Anyhoo…  ;)

And I think I may have just turned into the Mayor of NY since apparently we both like banning words–though I think mine make a hell of a lot more sense. :) Oh, I almost forgot, woot woot!