FREE Books! Just for you! (And everyone else.) :)

Okay, I promised that I’d do another book giveaway and the time is nigh! ;)

You can download to your Kindle, or any other freaking device on earth onto which you can download the Kindle reader, any or ALL of my 3 books (download the reader by clicking HERE).

Just go to my Amazon age (yep, click HERE to get there) and let the downloading frenzy begin!

Last time I did my Kindle giveaway all of the books went to #1 (HOLY SHIT CAKES!) on the Kindle Free Top 100 list (my mom was very proud!). Totally freaking cool! I was quite delighted, to say the least. I have to admit, I wouldn’t complain if that happened again.

If you like any of them, I’d be forever grateful if you’d leave a great review. I’d offer you my first born, but as I’m a childless old bat that would be an empty promise. Will eternal gratitude suffice?

Here are the 5-day freebies, in case you have no clue as to what I spout on and on about. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Horribly sarcastic, naughty and full of curse words. NO ONE should read this, unless you like that stuff. ;)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

Maybe slightly less mouthy, but still full of piss and vinegar (and tons of heart too)

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

A cookbook? Where the hell did that come from? It is chocked full of goodies though. TOTAL YUM!

Anyway, I hope you guys love them–that they make you laugh and help you to have the most joyful lives and happiest taste buds.

Oh, maybe telling you when this is going to happen would be a fine and dandy idea… Duh… Drool…

Friday, May 2nd – Tuesday, May 6th.

I picked those days as my dad’s birthday falls during them so it’s kinda a shout out to pops for his birthday. Good grief, I’m a sentimental old fuck. ;)

Love you guys! Enjoy! XOXOXOXO

PS: Tell all your friends to get their free copies too. Who couldn’t use good food and happiness and maybe even some naughty nookie?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Fuck no! ;)

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Yes, yes…I know. I’ve been gone forever. I have no good excuse (but I’m gonna give you several!) except that I needed a break.

EXCUSE 1: Sex? What’s sex?

Between twitter, FB and the 10 other sites I manage, I just had to put my foot down and realize that the hubby needed more sex from me! Too much time on the computer is not good.

KIDDING!!! He was still gettin’ it good. But I felt like I was only giving him one ear in the evenings cause my brain was in my computer all the time. That is a no-no.

EXCUSE 2: All work and no play make Jodi a raving lunatic.

The day job is killing me! I average about 65 hours a week doing nothing but using my brain to the best of its ability. My job isn’t one where you get a little brain downtime. It’s non-stop, all day long, until I run out of the house tearing out my hair and begging for the neighbors to shoot me. I thought it would have settled down by now, but not yet. Alas, the thought of even looking at a computer once the work day is over makes me rather ill.

EXCUSE 3: That mother fuckin’ Atkins diet about put me in the hospital.

I have NEVER felt worse in my life. I, and I kid you not, was falling unconscious at 6pm and sleeping like I was in a coma until the alarm would wake me up at 7am. It was horrible. And my poor tummy…man, my body does not like all that protein! Total suck.

So, please forgive my Exit Stage Left without warning. I feel like a schmuck as I love you guys and really have missed you. I just need work to calm down a bit so that I can happily embrace my computer after the workday is done.

Oh, and I’ve had two chickens die in the last month…one of old age and another one (one of the replacement-so-wifey-isn’t-sad-about-dead-chicken chickens) who drowned when our back yard had its monthly irrigation. Poor little critter. So yes, I’ve been a bit off lately. But will be back soon enough and then you’ll wish I’d stayed hidden! ;)

In an effort to say I’m sorry I’m going to do another Kindle book giveaway this upcoming Friday-Tuesday. I’ll post details later, but since you all live so far away from me I don’t know what else to do to say LOVE YA except give you free stuff.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

 

 

“Gotta have it or I might die” fudge recipe

Since you guys seemed to enjoy the macaroni salad recipe (except Mondrak who doesn’t like macaroni–WTF my friend!? ;) ) I thought I’d give you another one. We’ve had the appetizer and now it’s time to go straight to dessert!

Below is my all-time favorite fudge recipe. I made a double batch for Christmas and gave my mom a ton of it. She was in her 7th heaven.

Again, this is straight from the cookbook as I ain’t retyping all that! ;)

Best Damn Chocolate Fudge on Earth

This recipe used to be on the side of the Domino’s™ Powdered Sugar box when I was a kid. For some dumb reason they stopped putting it on there years ago. Luckily, my mom found a copy of it that I’d jotted down in 1980 and we all get to benefit from that cheat sheet. I hope I’m not violating some horrible recipe copyright law here, but this recipe is too good to not pass along.

Oh, and the paper this recipe is written on is the same paper my mom used to write our absent-from-school notes on and the same paper on which I used to use to forge those same notes when I was a teenager. Ahh…the memories this little pink piece of paper brings back.

Fudge Recipe

Goodies from the store:

  • 1 pound box of Domino’s™ Powdered Sugar
  • 1/2 cup of cocoa powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon of salt
  • 6 tablespoons of salted butter
  • 4 tablespoons of milk
  • 1 tablespoon of REAL vanilla extract (no imitation allowed!)

Whipping up the fudge:

  1. Butter the bottom and sides of an 8×8 or 9×9 pan.
  2. Using a double boiler, add all ingredients and cook on low to medium, stirring until the fudge is smooth. If you don’t have a double boiler, use a non-stick pot on the lowest heat setting, stirring constantly.
  3. Pour into the pan and refrigerate.

One reason this fudge is awesomely perfect is because it’s not like any other fudge you can buy. This fudge is more crumbly and velvety. Now, if you are thinking that doesn’t sound as good as smooth, creamy fudge, you will change your mind after eating this. It is amazing. I like to keep it refrigerated as I think it tastes best when it’s cold. I take a piece and let it sit on my tongue and dissolve. If I could live off of this fudge, I would. Were I single and didn’t care about prematurely meeting my Maker, I’d eat only this until I died of malnutrition.

Enjoy everyone! XOXO

Best Damn Macaroni Salad EVER!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, a Happy New Year and is surviving the abysmal return to work. I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I need to be independently wealthy so that every week is like Christmas! ;) Ah…to dream.

Anyway, I digress.shock kitty

So, believe it or not, I actually cooked stuff this Christmas. I know. SHOCKING!

I made my mom’s famous mac salad (even people who don’t usually like mac salad like this!) and cheesy taters. Yum!

While the cheesy taters are, health-wise, just this side of a heart attack, the macaroni salad isn’t so bad. Especially if you use the Kraft Olive Oil mayo. Way less calories and fat than regular mayo and I can’t tell the difference. Also, I use less than one cup of mayo (mom uses way more), so my suggestion is to start with less and work your way up if you want it creamier. I think too much mayo is pukey, but you do what makes you happy. :)

Anyway, I thought I’d share the mac salad recipe for those of you who want to eat something as fresh and delicious as watermelon on a hot summer day. Especially since it’s cold as a witch’s tit out there and we could all use a little bit of summer right now. Except me. I live in AZ and had my air conditioning on the other day. Yes. I’m a wretched bitch. :)

Here’s the recipe straight from the cookbook. Enjoy!

Mom’s Macaroni Salad

I think maybe twice in my life I’ve had good macaroni salad at a restaurant or deli. It’s either got too much mayonnaise (yuck!) or some weird spice or a gross tang that makes me want to retch. I keep trying, but I rarely find one that is palatable. What is my solution to this problem? Make my own.

To be quite frank, that solution almost never occurs to me. It does not occur to a furry little blind mole to buy reading glasses. Why would it occur to ME to cook something voluntarily? It usually doesn’t. But this is super easy and is incredibly light tasting and refreshing. It has very few ingredients (whew…) and is almost impossible to make wrong. To me, that is the perfect recipe.

Stuff you’ll need:

  • 1 one-pound box of elbow macaroni
  • 1 green pepper
  • 4 good-sized tomatoes
  • 1 large cucumber
  • 1 medium-sized, sweet onion (don’t use a yellow or red, they are way too potent—look on the label of the onion for the word “sweet”)
  • 1 cup of mayonnaise* (maybe more)
  • Salt and pepper, to taste

*I use Kraft Mayo with Olive Oil™ as I can’t tell the difference between it and regular mayo, but it has way fewer calories and less fat than the regular kind.

Putting it all together:

  1. Cook the macaroni according to the directions on the box.
  2. Once it’s cooked (don’t overcook it) dump it into a colander and thoroughly rinse it with cool water.
  3. Empty the macaroni into a large bowl.
  4. Cut the tomatoes into bite-sized pieces and add to the bowl.
  5. Peel the cucumber and cut into bite-sized pieces and add to the bowl.
  6. Cut the green pepper into large pieces (I do this because I don’t want to bite down on a piece of green pepper, but it does add a nice flavor to the salad—you can cut it any way you want) and add to the bowl.
  7. Dice the onion into small pieces (you don’t want any big bites of onion either, but you do actually want onion in your mouth) and add to the bowl.
  8. Add about 1/2 the mayonnaise and stir. Continue to add the mayo until it’s got enough for you. Some people like tons of it, some people don’t.
  9. Add salt and pepper. Taste it. Add more salt and pepper as necessary.
  10. Refrigerate for at least a couple of hours so everything has time to chill. If you can, refrigerate it overnight. It is at its absolute best on the second day.
  11. Before serving, make sure to stir and taste-test it one more time to make sure it has enough salt. It will be bland if it doesn’t have enough salt.

One of my favorite things about this salad is that it doesn’t have a bunch of weird junk in it. I think sometimes people get so obsessed with making food all fancy and complicated that they lose sight of what makes it taste so good—simplicity. This salad has a clean, crisp, summer taste to it. It is one of my all-time favorite things to eat while sitting in the backyard and watching the chickens play as the sun goes down.

Dragon-breath-o-meter

sparky small 1

 

 

PS: Go easy with the onion at first and add more a little bit at a time. I love tons of onion, but just in case you don’t you can always leave it out or just use a little. :)

Book Reviews – Intimacy: How to Get More of It and Darn Good Eats by Jodi Ambrose

Ummm…still not sure what the “Press This” button means, but I’m Pressing This!!!

A HUGE, heartfelt, love-filled, squishy-hugged thank you to the lovely Elizabeth Melton Parsons for writing such amazing reviews of my books. You’d think I’d given her money for her kind words (I sooooo would have!!!). :)

It means a tremendous amount to me that anyone would take the time to write reviews on my books. I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I find it so strange and wonderful and surreal that I even wrote 3 books, much less that anyone would read them and then like them enough to say sweet things. I’m very humbled…

If ya wanna check out what she had to say, click the link below.

Book Reviews – Intimacy: How to Get More of It and Darn Good Eats by Jodi Ambrose.

And while you are over there, follow her wonderful self. She has a great and entertaining blog!

Much love!

PS: I just saw that she put reviews on Amazon too. Elizabeth, I’m going to stalk you, find you and hug you til you pop! ;)

 

Love is all about the ham sammich!

Happy almost 4th of July for my lovely American friends! I’m going to try and get at least 50 hours of sleep the next 4 days. That’s my goal and I’m sticking to it!

As for love and ham sammiches, I just had to share this with you.

The hubby, bless his heart, is helping me on my “watch what I eat but not really a diet” diet. Which means I don’t want to eat anything made with a quart of heavy whipping cream, 2 sticks of butter and a cup of oil. Not cooking that kind of food is hard for him, but I begged him to help a girl out.

So, last night I asked him to make me his Grant Sammich without bread. I know, I know…that does not qualify as a sandwich, but in my brain it does.

This is what he brought me:

Ham Sammich Love

How freaking cute is that!!??? That, my friends, is true love. :)

Oh, and if you are watching what you eat and wanna make it, it’s just:

  1. 2 slices of super thin deli ham
  2. 1/2 a roma tomato diced finely
  3. A little bit of diced onion
  4. A tiny splat of Olive Oil mayo (very low fat and calorie for mayo)
  5. A medium splat of mustard
  6. 1/2 a black olive, sliced, for decoration
  7. Garnish (celery)

In total it’s about 65 calories and 2 grams of fat. Perfect little treat to satisfy the nibbles.

Have a great weekend!! :) XOXOXO

Yep, I’m out to destroy you! Run for your lives!

Well I’ll be a pickled pig’s foot!

Man, you get some seriously fucked up, turn me into a vegetarian results when you search for Pickled Pigs Feet. Ugh!

Man, you get some seriously fucked up, turn-me-into-a-vegetarian results when you search for Pickled Pigs Feet. Ugh!

I just came across this adorable, funny and snarky blog post from DamBreaker about moi. ME? Really?

It just tickles me so and humbles me tons when someone takes time out of their day to write something about me or my books. Thank you so much, dear friend, for the wonderful post. (Though I am gonna kick your ass for those pics you used of me!!!)

Read how DamBreaker thinks I hate his tummy (I secretly do!). KIDDING! He’s the cat’s meow. :)

Thank you, dear, for the lovely post. You just made my day. :)

DamBreaker Post

 

Move Over Key Lime Pie!! Guest Blog

Woo hoo! It’s been an awesome week so far and I have another fun thing to share.

The lovely Bernadette of the famed Rants From My Crazy Kitchen asked me to do a guest post on her foodie blog. How dang cool! So I did something super easy that even I can make. I think a 6 year old could make it. Actually, it would be quite the fun recipe to do with a little one who is just learning how to make stuff in the kitchen. I’m pretty sure even 2 squirrels and a blind bunny could team up and make it.

Guest Blog on Rants from My Crazy Kitchen

This recipe is from Mom (what a shock!) and she made it for me on my birthday earlier this month. It is soooooo yummy and refreshing, but you’ll have to get the scoop over at Rants From My Crazy Kitchen.

Here’s a sneak preview of the yumminess:

Birthday Lime Pie for Bernadette's Blog

Enjoy!

Ready! Set! Quiche!

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Yes, quiche is for REAL MEN too! :)

Real men eat quiche

NO COMMENT!
I’m gonna be a good girl for a change. :)

To be quite honest, I’d never before had quiche that I liked. The crust was always soggy and the eggs were always runny. EWWWW!!!

And then I met the hubby. You know that meeting him has done nothing but murder every diet I’ve ever been on. But how can one NOT eat all the delicious food he makes? Especially now that we have chickens in the backyard. We have eggs coming out the wazoo–gotta do something with ‘em.

So here, my wonderful friends, is a recipe straight out of our cookbook, Darn Good Eats. It’s Grant’s own version of Quiche Lorraine, but it is a zillion times more delectable than any Quiche Lorraine I’ve ever had. ENJOY!

Can’t Say No To It Quiche

Yeah, I know, that’s a weird name for a recipe. But this ain’t your grandma’s Quiche Lorraine. This has goodies added into it which will take you to a new level of nirvana.  I just told the hubby, as I am currently chewing on a mouthful of this delicious concoction, that I’m going to kill him so that he can’t have any more of it and I get the rest. I’m only half kidding.

Just so you know, I’m fully aware that the picture of the quiche looks like some crazy, snub-nosed face staring at you with its creepy tomato eyes. I tried several angles but it always looked like a face. There was no escape. So yes, the quiche is eyeballing you!

Quiche Lorraine

Ingredients:

  • 9-inch refrigerated pie shell (get it in the refrigerated cookie section at the grocery store)
  • 6 – 8 slices of thick bacon
  • 1/2 of a large red onion, sliced into super-thin rings
  • 3½ tablespoons of butter
  • 4 small eggs or 3 large eggs
  • 1½ cups of heavy whipping cream (or you can use half whole milk and half whipping cream to cut back on the fat content)
  • 3/4  – 1 cup of shredded Gruyere cheese
  • 1 large tomato, cut into thin slices and then quarter the slices
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon of freshly ground pepper
  • A dash or slightly more of freshly ground nutmeg (buy whole nutmeg and then shave the nutmeg with a super sharp, non-serrated knife—don’t use a mortar and pestle)

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 450 °F.
  2. Slice the uncooked bacon into one-inch pieces.
  3. Simmer the bacon in a quart of boiling water (a simmering boil, not a rapid boil) for approximately 5 minutes.
  4. Strain the bacon and dry it using a paper towel.
  5. Brown the bacon in a large frying pan until it’s just on the cusp of crispy, but not too crunchy.
  6. Once it’s browned, remove the bacon and dry it on paper towels to remove as much excess grease as possible (save the bacon grease in the pan for other recipes, you won’t need it for this recipe).
  7. Slice the red onion into thin rings—as thin as you can slice it.
  8. Put 1½ tablespoons of butter in the pan (after you’ve removed the bacon grease), add the onion and sauté on medium-high for about a minute, then reduce the heat to medium-low and cook for 10 – 15 minutes until the onions start to caramelize. Periodically stir the onions as they cook. You want the onions cooked past the point where they are translucent but before they are too brown and burning around the edges.
  9. While the onions are cooking, or before cooking the bacon, prepare the pie crust.
  10. Use either a glass pie dish or non-stick metal pie dish.
  11. Roll the pie crust over the pie dish and push it down into the bottom and along the edges. Make sure to either push the crust down very well or use pie weights to keep the pie crust from getting a big bubble in it as it bakes. Ours didn’t, but we wanted to make sure you were prepared, just in case.
  12. Flute the top edges of the pie crust (just pinch it) to give it the look of grandma’s homemade pies. You want to the pie crust to end up being slightly higher than the pie dish because when you pre-bake it, it will shrink and you don’t want the pie crust ending up lower than the quiche filling.
  13. Bake the pie crust on 450 °F for 9 – 10 minutes on the middle rack in the oven. You do not want the pie crust to brown yet; you’re essentially baking it about halfway done.
  14. Take the pie crust out of the oven and let it cool for at least 15 minutes.
  15. Reduce the oven heat to 375 °F.
  16. Once the pie crust is cool, layer the bottom of it with the bacon.
  17. Evenly spoon the caramelized onions over the bacon.
  18. In a medium-sized bowl, add the eggs, cream, salt, pepper and nutmeg and hand whisk until well blended.
  19. Add 3/4 to 1 cup of Gruyere into the bowl with the egg mix and stir.
  20. Evenly pour the egg and cheese mix into the crust, making sure to pour it carefully as you don’t want it to get between the crust and the pie dish.
  21. If it looks like you have more egg mix than you have space for in the dish, before the mix gets to the top of the crust, pull the cheese out of the mix and add that into the pie dish, then throw away the rest of the egg mix.
  22. Evenly space the tomato slices on top of the egg mix.
  23. Dice 2 tablespoons of cold butter into pea-sized cubes. Sprinkle the butter evenly on top of the tomatoes and cook on the middle-upper rack for 30 – 35 minutes on 375 °F. Look for your pie crust to be a golden brown. It’s okay if the top of the quiche is a little bit juicy looking as it will congeal as it cools down.
  24. Once you pull it out of the oven, let it cool for at least 15 minutes so that it can be sliced without turning into a river of goo. It’s better once it has had time to set.

Anyone who has ever said “Real men don’t eat quiche” hasn’t had this quiche before. I’m quite sure I’m not the only person, male or female, who’s willing to serve time in prison to keep everyone else in the house away from this quiche so that it’s mine all mine!

image from: www.freerepublic.com

Mmmmmm…food…

Howdy everyone! I’m so thankful it’s Friday I could weep like a sad kitten! sad kitten

Since it is hot as friggin’ hell out here in Arizona (someone kill me) I thought since I’m staying inside (never to leave the house again until November) that I’d do two things.

  1. Give you a lip-smacking, damn good recipe from my cookbook.
  2. Give you a link to vote for Rants From My Crazy Kitchen as being one of the top 25 Foodie Moms. You’ll remember her not only from her awesome blog, but she contributed two delicious recipes to the cookbook. Yummy drool drool! Click HERE to vote for her and her awesome blog. I’m sure she will be very thankful you took the time. :)

RECIPE TIME!!!

Okay, so you guys know that I’m a cookbook writer that HATES HATES HATES to cook. Yeah, I know. I’m a whacko. Anyway, I’m going to give you a recipe for one of THE BEST desserts you can ever make and I kid you not, a blind hamster could make it–it’s THAT easy! It’s the perfect cake to take to a BBQ. It’s the perfect cake to take to bed and eat with your hands until you pass out (at least you are already laying down–less likely to get injured).

This recipe is good for a few reasons:

  1. It’s cheap to make.
  2. It’s easy as hell to make and takes about 4 minutes to throw together.
  3. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t want a second helping.
  4. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t want a third helping.

I’m going to give you the recipe straight from the book, little story and all (each recipe has its own story because I talk too damn much!). :) I hope you love it! Oh, and GO VOTE for Rants!! She’s awesome and I’d love to see her make it into the top 25 Foodie Moms again this year. :)

Dump Cake

Let me say that on their own, I don’t like many of the ingredients in this cake. The first time my mom made it and handed me a piece I thought to myself, “GROSS! Cherries and pineapple? Vomit. Must. Keep. Smile. On. Face. While. Gagging.” Then I took a bite. Then I took another. Then I took 20 more and ended up eating 3 pieces of it. Somehow, all the flavors come together into this conglomeration of co-mingled delights in a way that I never would have expected. Of course, anything with a stick and a half of butter is bound to be delicious. Besides which, it truly is the single most easy homemade cake you will ever make. Ever. Period.

Below is Mom’s recipe from 1978. Thank goodness that she saves everything. I sure know who I get my pack rat tendencies from.

 dump cake

The list of yum yums:

  • One 18- to 20-ounce can of cherry pie filling—the extra cherry kind if possible
  • 1 – 1½ sticks of butter
  • One 20-ounce can of un-drained pineapple rings
  • 1 box of yellow cake mix

 Dumping it all together:

  1. Preheat the oven to 350 °F.
  2. Butter the bottom and sides of a 9×13 glass dish.
  3. Place a single layer of pineapple rings on the bottom of the dish and pour the juice over the pineapple.
  4. Pour the can of cherry pie filling on top of the pineapple and spread so the cherries are distributed evenly.
  5. Pour the dry yellow cake mix over the pineapple and cherries and level it out. Don’t mash the cake mix, just gently level it out and make sure it’s evenly dispersed.
  6. The take a stick or stick and a half of butter, slice it into 1/8-inch thick slices and put it over the entire cake top about an inch apart.
  7. Bake at 350 °F for about an hour or until the top is crispy brown.

I can’t even begin to describe how tasty this cake is. And seriously, have you ever read an easier cake recipe? It’s even easier than boxed cake. I would serve this cake to a chef. A president. A Nobel Prize winner. There is no shame in serving this cake to anyone and everyone. It may have taken you 3 minutes to make it, but no one would ever guess that in a million years. It is absolutely fantastic.

Enjoy everyone! Have a fantastic weekend! :) Luv ya!