YOUR PORN is getting on MY NERVES! ;)

Okay, fellow business travellers…I know you are away from home. You miss the wifey (or the hubby). You are lonely , bored at the hotel, and in need of some serious girl-on-girl action, but your porn watching makes my enjoyment of Rookie Blue, Season 4 on Amazon Streaming Video next to impossible!! ;)

I can be watching my shows with great HD quality, little-to-no buffering and be having a dandy ole time until PORN HOUR hits! Then it all goes to hell in a handbag. I guess it’s that sweet spot between dinner and going to bed when every man (and I guess some chicks) in the hotel logs onto their favorite skin site and now I can’t watch my dang show.

Can you please just download some good spankbank material to your local drive so that you don’t have to view it streaming? Pretty please? I simply cannot watch TV with commercials in it anymore so the TV hanging on the wall is essentially useless and I have to depend on Netflix or Amazon for commercial-free bliss. Help a sister out here? ;)

Yeah, yeah, I’m horrible and selfish!!! I know you need your porn. BufferingBut can you maybe do it in the morning (you KNOW your morning wood demands it!) instead of at night so the rest of us can watch a TV show online without staring at a buffering indicator for 20 minutes? ;)

(In all seriousness, I’m kidding. :) I just crack up when all of a sudden the Wi-fi takes a huge hit at about the same time each night. I picture every other room in the hotel being filled with wildly whacking wankers and it makes me giggle.)

HUGS!

duck

In Honor of a No Profanity Law, I Hereby Declare Myself a Soon-to-be-Jailbird Mo Fo

So, I’m watching a show called Beyond Scared Straight (I know…I know…feel free to judge) and the youth offenders in this episode are particularly foul mouthed. Towards the end of the show one of the prison guards informs the mouthy young ladies that public cussing in that state is punishable by a fine of $1,092.50 or 30 days in jail.  WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL???? I’d be spending the rest of my life in lock up if that was the case here in AZ.  After hearing this crazy statement, I had to look it up and alas, it’s true! I’m removing the name of the state from the bill amendment because I’m quite fond of this state and its inhabitants and don’t want anyone to think I’m saying anything bad about it. After all, all states have crazy laws, but usually they are left over from the 1950s and no one has taken the time to remove them. This one about public cussing is from the last few years. Shocking!

Before I share the bill with you, you know I always like to point the finger at myself first, or in this case at my own state. So here are some insanely whackadoo laws in AZ and my thoughts on them.

  1. Donkeys can not sleep in bathtubs. (Well, shit. I guess there’s enough room in the bed. Donkey show, anyone?)
  2. It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine. (Ummm…wha? What is considered imitation coke? Baby powder? If so, Johnson & Johnson is fucked.)
  3. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. (This has to be because we live in Satan’s backyard. I have my damn A/C on right now it’s so warm. But seriously??? Illegal? What if I want the person to die from dehydration?)
  4. No more than six girls may live in any house. (Sorry guys. There go all of your college girl pillow fight fantasies.)
  5. You may not have more than two dildos in a house. (Well, if there are 5 girls living in a house, since 6 is illegal, I’d say this limit of 2 fake-man-junk-devices is being violated every moment of every day by every household across the state.)
  6. Women may not wear pants. (Okay guys, you may not be able to have 6 chicks in nighties wrestling around on a bed in AZ lest they face prison time, but you can rest assured that the 5 that do live together and wrestle playfully will be naked from the waist down!)

Yep, I’m pretty sure I’ve now heard it all. Well, except for the fairly new cussing law.

Here’s the bill:

“TO AMEND THE CODE OF LAWS OF SOME UNNAMED STATE 1976, BY ADDING SECTION 16-15-370 SO AS TO MAKE IT UNLAWFUL TO COMMUNICATE PROFANITY IN A PUBLIC FORUM OR PLACE OF PUBLIC ACCOMMODATION.

Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the State of Unnamed State:

SECTION    1.    Article 3, Chapter 15, Title 16 of the 1976 Code is amended by adding:

“Section 16-15-370.    (A)    It is unlawful for a person in a public forum or place of public accommodation wilfully (yes, they spelled willfully wrong in a legal bill!!) and knowingly to publish orally or in writing, exhibit, or otherwise make available material containing words, language, or actions of a profane, vulgar, lewd, lascivious, or indecent nature.

(B)    A person who violates the provisions of this section is guilty of a felony and, upon conviction, must be fined not more than five thousand dollars or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.”

Holy cow! I’m just stunned. Can anyone say First Amendment? Now, granted, I don’t think it’s appropriate to go into a nursery school and make it your goal to teach all the 3 year olds how to say, “You fucking cow.” But, c’mon…really?

So, this law that I just learned about prompted me to write a post that I’d been contemplating for the last few days (which I’ll include here). I wasn’t sure whether or not to write it because it just seemed like such a gratuitous use of bad language (not written by me, but stolen from a TV show) and you guys are always so tolerant that I didn’t want to seem like I’d gone off the deep end. But now I feel it is my duty to share with you the wonderfully horrible and foul scene from a TV show the hubby and I just recently watched.

The show is an HBO show called The Wire. It’s a cop drama set it Baltimore (where I went to college) and so far I’m enjoying it. One of the things about it being an HBO show is that there is no language filter like you’d find on Network TV. I commented to Grant how I’m quite sure they use the “f” word even more often than I and he giggled and said that wasn’t possible. ;)

Then along comes episode 4 and for one of the first times in recorded history my jaw dropped to the floor from the sheer, unadulterated, intentional use of cussing written to clearly make a statement about censorship. Apparently, when the show first began airing it received some flack for the copious amount of “fucks” thrown into the dialog and the producers in return decided to stick it to the language dissenters. When we saw this almost 5 minute scene in the show we both about died laughing as it is so clearly the producers flipping the bird to anyone who doesn’t approve. Prepare yourselves. It truly is shocking.

Let me set the stage. Two cops go to a crime scene that had been poorly processed by the first team of cops. They are now checking it out for themselves and are more than shocked by what they find. Before you click “Play” know that this is not a scene for those with delicate ears or for those easily offended (of course, you wouldn’t be reading my blog if either of those things were true!). :) Also, there are a few crime scene photos which quickly show boobs. I’m not one to post things with nudity, but the pics are as far from sexual as they can possibly be. Consider yourself warned as this clip is not for the faint at heart–though the hubby and I laughed our asses off after about one minute when we realized that the entire scene contained only 2 words but lasts almost 5 minutes. Enjoy the insanity! :) :) :)

My two favorite TV show quotes EVER! (Horribly inappropriate and offensive–view at your own risk!!)

The cartoon Archer is one of the best damn cartoons ever–it rivals South Park in the early days. I simply love it. And it has foulness in it that makes me have to pause the TV, choke to death laughing, then rewind so that I can live the horror again.

But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The first one is just funny as shit.

The second one is horrible in so many delicious ways and even comes in a picture (no pun intended!)–someone did me the favor of putting the quote right on the pic.

Turn away if you offend easily.

First quote from Pam (the blonde in the pic below, to her slutty coworker whose name I can never remember):

“Shut your dick holster.”  Ahh…the mental image that gives me. :)

Second quote:

archer

If you don’t know the cartoon, start watching it. It’s on FX Network and is about an organization of super spies who all suffer from one form or another of mental illness. It is AWESOME in its awfulness.

Hope you are all having a great weekend!

Drum roll please!!! Here it is! The snort heard round the world!

Okay, so it wasn’t heard round the world. Apparently, my snort was a quiet one so it’s not like some horribly loud nightmare from which I can never escape. THANK YOU, GOD!!! :)Book Cover Small

For those of you that either don’t get the first hour of the midday news on WGN or for those of you who live somewhere far, far away…I have a link for you to see it. Yay!

Just click this link or on the pic below to watch: Jodi Cooking? WTF???

Thanks so much to all of you for being so wonderful and supportive!!! :) I hope you enjoy the segment and love the sammich!! :)

PS: I realized that I look preggers in my apron!!! I must get a new apron that doesn’t add a 6 month old fetus to my outfit!

Holy crap! There I am! :)

Holy crap! There I am! :)

 

I dropped an “LY” and snorted and you can see it happen!

Yep, the girl that wrote an entire blog about people not properly using “LY” on the end of adverbs didn’t use one while filming my upcoming WGN-America segment! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Honest to God, I almost corrected myself right then and there. I was horrified. And tomorrow, Friday 1/11/13, you too can be horrified! My cooking segment will be airing around-ish 11:45 am Central time during WGN’s mid-day news. Woo hoo!

Oh, and to add insult to injury, I freaking SNORTED while laughing!!! I bet I snort maybe once a year while laughing and yet for some reason my body decided to do it on film right at the very end of the segment. Ugh! I don’t even remember what we were chuckling about, but yep, I snorted. EEEEEEE gawds, what on earth!?

So, if you want to see a non-cook actually cook something on air (if I can cook it, anyone can!) and if you want to hear me use improper grammar and snort like some kind of rutting animal, set your DVR. ;)

Once it airs, they’ll post a video of it on their site. I’ll post it for you guys in America or Canada who don’t get WGN (do you live in a cave??) or for those of you who are abroad and so it makes sense you wouldn’t get WGN.

I’m nervous as hell, so hopefully it turns out well. I’m not usually nervous on air, but COOKING on air? ME? Goodness gracious. Keep your fingers crossed that it rocks (or at least doesn’t suck!). :) XOXO

Me, with 2 lions growing out of my head, at the WGN studio. Yay!

Me, with 2 lions growing out of my head, at the WGN studio. Yay!

Playboy Sirius XM Radio, here I come again!

 

I’m so happy that I’ll be back on Playboy Radio for the third time tomorrow.

Whew, this is gonna be a busy week.  I’ll be on Playboy Sirius XM Radio tomorrow afternoon, Monday, December 3rd at around 1:00 Pacific, 4:00 Eastern, for a fun and titillating conversation with the beautiful and engaging Tiffany Granath as we talk about my philosophy on a happy life: Flatter, Frolic and Feed Your Honey. My first two books take care of 1 and 2. My cookbook takes care of 3.  :)  http://www.siriusxm.com/playboyradio

Then I’m on LA Talk Radio with the lovely and amazing Michelle Cannon Sullivan tomorrow night at 5:00 Pacific, 8:00 Eastern. http://www.latalkradio.com/Destiny.php

And finally, off to Chicago Wednesday night to film a TV cooking segment on Thursday morning for WGN America! Woo hoo!!! Still not sure if it’s going to air on Thursday’s or Friday’s lunchtime news show. Once I know I’ll give you the scoop. Just to make sure you can see it, set your DVR to record WGN’s news show starting next Thursday. That way, you won’t miss it.

I’m so nervous I could vomit and so excited I could scream. YAY!!!

I hope you can join me for all my fun this week.

HUGS!

 

 

v

Massengill, Vagisil, Preparation H, Gold Bond Medicated Powder, Charmin, Always and Stayfree, can you PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP???

Yeah, you know I really wanted to say, “Shut the fuck up,” but I thought I’d leave the REAL cursing for the post rather than the title. Believe it or not, I don’t want to constantly offend the entire world. Well, on most days at least. ;)

Let me tell you a little story. Back during the summer between 7th and 8th grade I’d go to the pool all the time. I was just starting to blossom into womanhood and was uncomfortable enough with periods and new boobs and boys and weird hair and wearing deodorant. It was all a little overwhelming when puberty struck. Anyway, that particular day I was off to the pool with a friend of mine and we had to show our pool IDs to the pool ID guy. As it turned out, the pool ID guy was one of the hottest guys in our town. His name was Ricky and every girl (and I’m sure plenty of guys) wanted to be his sweetheart. He was simply beautiful. Drool… Anyway, I digress… So, Ricky had a little black and white TV up at his ID checking station. Since he couldn’t see the pool area from his post and check out all the hot bodied girls, he needed something to occupy his time, right?

Well, there my girlfriend and I are, passing him our IDs and trying to make small talk with this heavenly god of a boy and all of a sudden a maxi pad commercial came on the TV. SHIT!!!! What should I do? I can’t stay here and let him think that because I’m a girl that I have to deal with those things. I don’t want him thinking of me as a bleeder!! NOOOOOO!! ARRRRRRGH!!!! So, what did we do? We ran screaming into the girl’s locker room. Yep, the most mature thing we could come up with was running away like our hair was on fire. In all honesty, I was blushing so bad it felt like my face was on fire. How absolutely horrible to have the fact that I have girl parts that do oogie things thrown into Ricky’s face as we all stood there scantily clad in barely-there bikinis. It was quite simply too much to bear.

After hiding in the locker room for about 10 minutes and getting our breath back, we ventured out to the pool. We were both still so embarrassed about the pad commercial that we stayed at the pool, turning into deeply suntanned raisins, until Ricky’s shift was over. There was NO WAY IN HELL we were going to walk past him that day. Nope. No how. No way. Unh unh.

Now, I realize that may seem like an overreaction in today’s world, but remember, this was back in 1983. Girls and boys did not discuss the kinds of stuff that we now feel free to openly discuss with the poor mailman or the chick at the Gap. Back then, we had a bit more decorum. Obviously, I got over some of that. But NOT ALL!!! There are still things I would no sooner discuss with my husband than I would with the Pope. There are certain things that should remain a mystery. What happens south of the border should be among those things. So, in case you haven’t figured it out, here’s my beef: I am sooooooooo sick of hearing about the foulness of body parts I could vomit until I passed out from exhaustion. Damn, that’s a lot of vomiting. ;)

Let’s address these disgusting products with at least a modicum of truth. :)

  1. Massengill. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IF A WOMAN HAS A “NOT SO FRESH” FEELING! For fuck’s sake, how gross and disgusting can a commercial be? Gentlemen, please believe me when I say that women do not bond over discussing such things while skipping through a field of lavender wearing bonnets and free-flowing white skirts. I’m going to say that no woman (as far as you know) has ever encountered a not-so-fresh feeling because our nether regions are yummy like an ice cream sundae. But on the slim-to-none chance that one ever did (which I doubt) they sure as shit would not have a conversation about it like is depicted in those stupid commercials.
  2. Vagisil. Ummm…women KNOW what the hell you are good for. Must you spell it out like we are retarded? Honest to God, I was eating dinner the other night and nearly puked up my food when I saw one of their commercials. I’m a GIRL and I nearly upchucked my dinner. I can only imagine how disgusting it is for men to have to suffer through them. GROSS!!! Here’s my real issue with it: Women know if something is amiss and know (unless sheltered by parents who refuse to admit that their daughter has girl parts) how to go about getting it fixed. We do NOT need details on the icky issue and we do not need to know every symptom to be on the lookout for. Because if you remind us of all the gross symptoms on NATIONAL FUCKING TV DURING DINNER, how on earth do you ever expect a man to wanna go down there again??? Generally speaking, we like a man to crave our body parts. We want men to dream about that wonderful spot and long for it on a daily basis. We do NOT want them reminded that sometimes there is a “Closed for Business” sign on it for one reason or another. Can there be no mystery left???
  3. Preparation H. Good Lord have mercy. Yes, I’m sure having the issue that needs the attention of Preparation H is not pleasant. I can only imagine that it sucks. But Preparation H has been around since the dawn of time and I’m fairly sure most of us know what it’s used for, so MUST we go into detail on the itching and burning? Really? Must we? I mean, gross. Can you just say, “If you are having problems with your back door, use Preparation H”? Do the commercials really have to get as graphic as a visit to the proctologist? Ugh. Ick.
  4. Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Info on this should be passed down from dad to son, or uncle to son, or health class teacher to the boys. Just like men don’t want to hear about Vagisil, we don’t want to hear about men’s spicy, itchy man sacks. Just as our girl parts are like an ice cream sundae, your man parts should remain a fun playground for our enjoyment. I don’t want to wretch thinking about all the symptoms Gold Bond relieves.
  5. Charmin. My husband was so horrified by the most recent Charmin commercial that he made me sit through it just to horrify me too. It’s nice how couples do that kind of stuff! ;) This particular one was a cartoon of a Mama bear peeking into her baby bear’s undershorts and grimacing by what she saw, while baby bear peeks in the window watching her inspect his undies. It was sooooooooo gross!! Do they really think that by softening it up with cute, animated bears that it is any less disgusting? Can’t we all agree that we ALREADY FUCKING KNOW what TP is for and don’t need it shoved in our faces in such an icky manner. I mean, really, who wants to picture what she was seeing in his underwear? But you can’t help but visualize it in your mind’s eye. Seriously, that is soooo nasty. Can we please bring back Mr. Ripple and the “Don’t squeeze the Charmin” ads? So much less filthy and nasty.
  6. Always and Stayfree. I’d venture to say that in this day and age, with the Internet and a much-lowered filter (I’m guilty of not having much of a filter!) that a great percentage of girls and certainly all women know what a maxi-pad is. Do we need to actively remind everyone what women have to suffer from, in graphic detail, every month? Is it not enough that Eve ate the damn apple and cursed us with Aunt Ruby’s monthly visit? Do we need to show with liquid how much more absorbent one pad is over the other. It’s all marketing bullshit anyway, so is it that important to have demonstrations? I guess I should just be happy that they use blue water instead of red. ICKY!!! ;) Worse yet are the tampon commercials. Those show women doing the splits on a trampoline so they can give us a crotch shot to prove that there’s no string hanging out and no leaks. Again–GROSS!!! Those commercials are a crotch-fest. I’ve never seen so much poon outside of a porn. What got into their brains that they thought this was acceptable??? Just wrong, I tells ya. Wrong.

Whew! That was exhausting! ;)

Now, I full on realize that I am fairly filter-free. I pretty much say what I think, using whatever coarse language I want. But here’s the difference: if you don’t want to read my mouthiness, you don’t have to. You can say, “Good Lord, but that girl is foul!!! I’m never reading her blog again!” And you’d be all set. You’d never have to be horrified by my sass-mouth again. We don’t have that option with today’s commercials. They are served up to us, so often during the dinner hour, and we cannot escape them quite as easily as you can escape me. If these commercials would cut down to 15 seconds and just tell you the basics at a very high level and then for more info you can visit their website, I could live with that. Then they could overwhelm you with any gross thing they want on their website that you voluntarily went to. But to force it down our throats while we are watching TV in mixed company is just awful. Especially, if you are watching it with a mother- or father-in-law. Or a grandparent. Yicky!!!

Okay, that’s my rant of the week. I’ve thought these things for 30+ years and it’s so nice to finally have an avenue for spewing on and on about it!! :) For those of you who stuck it out through this diatribe, bless your sweet and patient hearts! XOXOXO

PS: If the conversation in this video ever actually happened, I’ll eat my hat. :)

Monty Python? A Girl’s Greatest Lie?

Okay, ladies. I have a question for you. Don’t feel left out, gentlemen–I have one for you too.

I have sat through many a Monty Python in my life. MANY. With a whole host of men over the years. Yes, the cheese shop one was funny. The dead bird one made me laugh. That one song about men being glad they have a penis? Yeah, that’s funny too. But that is THREE FRIGGIN’ SKITS OUT OF A MILLION! Every time I’ve ever started dating a guy, within the first few months I always end up suffering through Life of Brian or some other Python thing. Not that those guys aren’t talented–I’m not questioning that. But, I freaking hate those movies. HATE them! Now that I’m old and don’t give a shit what anyone thinks, I refuse to sit through them anymore so that I seem like “The Cool Girl.” I simply refuse.

My thought is that women suffer through Monty Python to bond with their man, not out of an undying love for it. This came up the other day with the hubby and he was horrified that I’d ever say such a thing. After all, isn’t Monty Python the funniest thing on planet earth?

While I realize the answers to these questions may be different for people in the UK (yes, Mondrak, YOU!) I have to know these things:

  1. Ladies, do you really really like Monty Python or have you suffered in silence while your man passes out with laughter?
  2. Gentlemen, what makes you love MP so much???? WHAT??? I NEED TO KNOW.

I know what I’m hoping the ladies’ answers are because I want to say, “Ha ha, told you so!” to the hubby (kidding, I wouldn’t be THAT awful–well…).

Help me understand if I am just missing something, am a complete dullard, or if I’m just one of many women who suffer through it while praying all the while that either Jesus will come back or an asteroid will land on my house. :)

I love ranting yes I do, doo dah, doo dah. I love ranting yes I do, all the doo dah day!

I’m hoping you sang along with me as you read the title of this blog. I think a old timey, out of tune song now and again is a good thing. Of course, my cats ran away shrieking at the sound of my rather off key voice! BRATS! No more food for them, ungrateful mongrels!

So, while I indulged my brain in a nice computer-free vacation, I got to relax around the TV set. I hate to admit it, but I do love my boob tube. Man, were there a lot of boobs to look at (both boob-boobs and intellectual boobs).

While lazing about the house and putting a permanent ass-dent in the sofa I noticed a few rather irksome things in my trash TV. Things that got my editor brain aching with pain. Things that got my innate dislike of The Man all riled up. So, I thought I’d share.

Here are two things that made me pause the TV every time they happened (constantly) and say to my husband, “What the fuck? People are stupid and corporations can eat me. Ugh!” He’d chuckle, pat my head, and turn right back to his video games. He’s so patient. ;)

ONE: What ever happened to the “LY” on the end of an adverb? Did I miss a memo that said that people no longer had to use LY? Is it sooooo difficult and time consuming to speak with even a modicum of intelligence anymore? Apparently, the answer to that question is yes. Now, don’t get me wrong–I have typos sometimes. I’m sure I say things incorrectly. I’m no saint and even might be a slight hypocrite, but if you are going to be on TV can you at least attempt to speak somewhat properly?

Here are some examples:

  1. “Wow, you performed beautiful.”  Doesn’t that just sound wrong coming out of your mouth? Doesn’t your brain register that something is missing?
  2. “You did that careful.” NO! He did it carefulLY!
  3. “I waited patient. He took forever.” No You Di’int. (Typo intentional. ;) )
  4. “He spoke so arrogant.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t use big words if you don’t know how to use them proper.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My internet connection just went down and I lost the last half of this damn post. SHIIIIIIIIT POOP ASSFACE %$#^$%%!!! This sucks!!!!  Someone please find the owner of Cox and kill him. Please? Well dang. It took forever to write and now it’s gone. Okay, it’s never as good the second time I write something, so expect this to suck. ;)

TWO: As if television shows aren’t challenged enough in maintaining my suspension of disbelief, do they really not think it completely goes away when they insert a commercial into the script of a show? I’m not talking about regular commercials. I mean actually written into the script. Argh! The moment they do it, I’m no longer involved in the story because they are rudely (LOOK! an LY!) reminding me that the entire purpose of the TV show is not to entertain, but to make money. I know that in part of my brain, but I like to at least have them fake it for me by not shoving products down my throat with scripted dialog.

  1. Rizzoli and Isles, corpse cutter interacting with meddling mom. The mom is about to wear high heels for the first time in years and the friendly body chopper has the solution to her impending foot pain. “I have a solution for you. Use these Dr. Sholl’s shoe inserts. You’ll be able to wear you shoes all day and be comfortable. Dr. Sholl’s make your feet happy.”
  2. 90210 (SHUT IT! I know…I should be ashamed.) Pretty blonde girl talking to pretty brunette girl as they get ready to go out on the town. Pretty brunette girl, “Wow, you always look so great.” Pretty blonde girl, “I know. It’s because I use Rimmel mascara. It makes my lashes long and lush and my legs pliable and gappy. You should go buy some. Rimmel is amazing.”
  3. Bones, yet another corpse cutter (do I have a thing for corpses??) talking with Mr. Tough Guy FBI Dude. They are driving somewhere in the car and she’s concerned about finding the location. Luckily for them, they have… “This great GPS system that will help us find any location. With my in-dash TomTom, we can get anywhere quickly and easily. TomTom even gives blowjobs, so I no longer need you. Now GET OUT!”

Okay, so there was some SLIGHT embellishment there, but you get the point. As soon as one of those in-script commercials happens, it take me 5 minutes to get back into the show. Now, I understand that with the invention of the DVR that we are no longer forced to watch regular commercials which compel us to eat McDonalds (mmmm…fillet o’fish!), suck on Dilly Bars (mmmmm…ice milk…), buy fancy cars (mmmmm…Hyundai. Oh, that one’s not so great), or go on those dream vacations we cannot afford (vacation? yeah, right). But to actually write them into the script? C’mon people!

We’ve all endured product placement for decades and decades. All you have to do is watch last week’s True Blood to see a group of illiterate murders sitting around a HUGE 12 pack of Old Milwaukee (seriously? Old Milwaukee?) prominently displayed on an end table to know that some CEO at “Flat Piss Beers R US” paid a million dollars to hawk his wares at us. And that’s bad enough. But do I need to see one of our IQ-challenged murderers pick up the 12 pack and say directly into the camera, “Drink Old Milwaukee. Chicks will give you hummers if you do. And it cures male patterned baldness too.” No. I don’t not need to see that. At least TB didn’t stoop that low.

Well, that’s my rant. I had a really good concluding paragraph earlier before my Internet crashed and since I just cannot come up with anything half as witty as what I had written before I’m not even going to try. ;)

Oh, I AM going to post a HORRIBLY (see, LY again!) inappropriate picture to go along with the first part of this post. I mean, it has language in it that make the F-word look like child’s play. It is AWFUL and you should NOT read it if you don’t like terrible cuss words. I mean it. Don’t give me any guff for this picture because I know it’s foul. My sister sent it to me a while back (she’s a language freak like I am) and I laughed until I thought I’d die. But I like horrible language, especially when it’s done in a clever fashion, so prepare yourselves before you read it. I’m not going to put it in this post because I want to put a HUGE warning in the title so innocent people don’t read it and get all offended. But I sure hope you guys like it! ;) Peace out.

My TV Makes Me Wanna Kill Myself

I am exactly 2 minutes into the show Take Me Out (which I set to record thinking it was a summer drama/comedy show) and I wanna find the bluntest object in my house and beat myself to death with it.

They are 3 girls deep in the “introduction to the viewers” round and this is what we’ve seen so far:

  1. A pretty woman, who is clearly smart, who was put on the spot to demonstrate American Sign Language. She did so by asking George Lopez out on a date which he then turned into them banging after the date was over.
  2. A vaguely attractive blonde who wants a man to be like a sports car, “Beauty and class on the outside. High performance on the inside.” Yeah, because that’s how we women typically describe our “dream guy.”
  3. A chick who is like a pointillism painting: great from a distance and nonsensical up close. She shared with us her kitty cat names, using a voice that could only have been manufactured in a whore house. “Tiddlywinks, Stormy Clouds and Baby Meow Meow Meow Meow.” Make sure you get all four “meows” in there! Keep in mind that her facial expressions and tone of voice matched each kitty’s moniker , so Stormy Clouds garnered us a pout as she told us its name.

While I believe that the world is made up of all kind of people, and I’m glad of that, turning 30 women into drooling, shameless hussies to make them more attractive to men kinda makes me wanna vomit. (Though if this is truly how these women behave even off the TV screen then I’m just a total bitch and please forgive this post.)

Here are the kind of people I like:

  • Smart people
  • Stupid people
  • Sluts
  • Virgins
  • Pretty people
  • Not-so-pretty people
  • Straight people
  • Gay people
  • Bisexual people
  • Transgender people
  • All colors of the rainbow
  • All religions under the sun

I pretty much freaking like everyone (unless an individual person gives me a specific reason not to.) I don’t typically judge a book by its cover. I don’t expect people to be like me or believe the same things I do. How boring would that be? But, I do get horrified when we turn back the clock to the 1800s and encourage women to behave like they are cows on a stage being sold to the highest bidder.

If the litmus test for getting a man is, “How stupid, slutty and trashy can I appear?” then let all women remain single forever. It’s not that I don’t like stupid, slutty, trashy chicks. They have just as much of a right to be happy as anyone else. Who am I to judge? I’m sure I’ve been a stupid, slutty, trashy chick at some point in my life. But when a whole heard of women are “encouraged” to appear that way so that a panel of men will like them more, well…I want to drive to the TV studio and blow it up.

A real and secure man likes a woman who likes herself. A real and secure man is challenged and turned on by a smart woman. A real and secure man doesn’t need a woman to act stupid and needy and slutty to feel better about himself and like more of a man.

Ugh! Sorry for the rant. I just hate seeing women reduced to the lowest common denominator in order to appear desirable to men. I believe that women are beautiful, strong, wonderful, unique, loving creatures and should always just be who they are. If a guy likes you–GREAT! If he doesn’t then he’s not the right guy for you.

Ladies, stand tall and be who you are! Don’t let external pressure or the myth of the Barbie Doll distract you from the amazing person that you see in the mirror.