Book Excerpts to Make You Smile

Hi! I thought it might be a good idea to give you a quick peek into my two books. It was very hard trying to figure out which selections to post as some of them are funny, some are more from the heart and some are downright sassy. This one is kinda gross, but women all over the world have emailed me and thanked me profusely for putting this in the book, so I thought I’d go with this one.

 

This down-to-brass-tacks excerpt is from the book for guys, titled, Sex: How to Get More of It.

SIX: Put the toilet seat DOWN.

Let’s bury this age-old problem once and for all. Here’s what happens when you don’t put the damn thing down:

  • Girl gets up in the middle of the night and stumbles to the bathroom.
  • Girl sits down and falls into the toilet. (This is funny, I know, but ONLY from your perspective.)
  • Girl immediately hates you.
  • Girl’s tender parts get covered in nasty toilet water.
  • Girl can’t fall back asleep from both shock and hatred; lays in bed wishing your pecker would fall off.
  • Girl’s tender parts get icky and need to be seen by a doctor.
  • Girl spends $35 on a co-pay and $25 on a prescription.
  • Girl HATES YOU for being so lazy.
  • Girl’s unhappy tender parts are in pain and UNAVAILABLE TO YOU while on meds.

All of this because on principle alone you don’t want to put the seat down? Really? REALLY? Are we really asking THAT much?

With the seat up or down, you still have a nice big opening into which you can direct your pee. You come out okay either way. For us girls it is different. We can actually get the ickies down there if you don’t put the seat down.

Plus, I don’t know about your toilet, but in most places the toilet rim under the seat is DISGUSTING. It’s covered in your pee, your pubic hair and your poop. Why on EARTH would you want your woman accidentally sitting on that? Lastly, it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Because of your chivalry, she won’t have to be the victim of rotten crotch and you won’t have to give your 5-fingered girlfriend as much of a workout while your woman is being medicated. Win/win.

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So, just to be fair, I guess I’ll also put the corresponding helpful advice that I share with women in my other book, Intimacy: How to Get More of It. I’m usually horrified by any kind of bathroom-related discussions, but again, this item in particular has received tons of feedback from my readers. I think just about everyone is in agreement that this suggestion hits the nail on the head. Don’t say I didn’t warn you though!

1. Potty-time is private time

As far as your man knows, you do not poop. Nor do you let any kind of air, even if it’s scented like roses, escape your backdoor. I know, that sounds nuts. Isn’t there a children’s book that reveals the secret that everyone poops? Let’s have some reality here, right Jodi? Well, there’s reality and then there’s reality with men. They are two vastly different things.

I’d well imagine that the actions of your man’s butt are something to which you’d rather be oblivious. Believe me when I say, as grossed out as we are by having to avoid the bathroom for 20 minutes when they finish in there, they are by far more sensitive when it comes to our poop (though they’d never admit it!).

When a man thinks of your butt, he usually thinks of smacking it while it’s up in the air aimed at him or, for some unknown reason, actually getting in there with a vengeance. Men and butts—I’ll never understand it, but such is the male mind, right? Regardless, men are fascinated with the female rump and it’s up to us ladies to keep it a mystery—at least the icky parts of what it does when no one else is looking.

I once knew a girl (me), who for the first two years of her relationship (with my husband) would go to the grocery store down the street when “the urge” hit. I know! That’s ridiculous! Alas, it is true. Of course, much to her chagrin, the damn store closed. WHAT WAS SHE GOING TO DO? Well, it took some time to plan her strategy, but she figured out when her man was typically busy or out of the house and tried to set an appointment with nature to only come a-knockin’ during those times of day.

I realize that it can be difficult to time the natural actions of our butts to when our men aren’t home or when they are too involved in a football game to care what we are doing, but there is a lot to be said about not being too comfortable with your man as it relates to your bathroom habits.

I once heard a husband, who’d been happily married for over 20 years, complain, “You KNOW you’ve been married too long when you are brushing your teeth and your wife comes in and takes a dump two feet from where you are standing. I was brushing my teeth for God’s sake!” That story stuck in my mind like glue as it really said everything there is to say about how men feel about that fact that we even poop at all. I tell my husband that, “I’m a girl and we don’t do that.” He laughs and tells me it’s okay if I use the bathroom like a normal person. I still insist that it doesn’t happen…ever.

Sometimes, in any kind of relationship, there are things to keep to yourself. Pooping is one of them. While it’s unrealistic to think you can escape doing it when he’s home 100% of the time, it’s certainly unnecessary to do it with the door open or to announce when you have to go. Mystery, ladies, is one of the keys to success with your man. You don’t want him thinking of you as a poop-machine. You want him to long for your butt like it’s made of nachos and beer.

There is but one exception to the no-poop rule: food poisoning or some other tummy illness. You simply cannot help it if you are sick and it’s important to be able to ask for help from your man. Sometimes, you just need to hold someone’s hand or have them bring in a fan to cool you off. Don’t be afraid to ask him for help if you feel like you are passing a baby through you colon. Of course, by mutual agreement, that situation will NEVER be discussed again, by anyone, for any reason, EVER.

Just keep in mind that it’s all the little mini-emotions that a man feels for us over the course of a day that shape his overall impression of us. While we all know the truth about what happens in a bathroom, the last thing we want to do is make our men recoil from images of us straining on the pot. Let him think fondly of your butt and when he sees it coming around the corner, he’ll be more likely to give it a nice swat instead of running for the hills.

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I hope you enjoyed the excerpts. The books actually cover 20 items each on how to get more nookie and intimacy. They range from strip clubs to arguing fairly to not being a nag and a whole bunch of other accessible strategies.

To get a copy of Sex: How to Get More of It, click here.

To get a copy of Intimacy: How to Get More of It, click here.

Thanks for stopping by!

6 comments on “Book Excerpts to Make You Smile

  1. You are hilarious haha. I have just started living with my boyfriend and can completely relate to that! He’s starting to get comfortable around me and knowing how that feels, I think I’m going to stay a mythical creature who sparkles and always smells good for a while longer. Also, thanks for visiting!

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    • So happy you enjoyed the book excerpts! I tell ya, there is a lot to be said for having bathroom time remain a mystery! Boys just do NOT need to know about those things. 😉 You stay that wonderful, sparkly girl for as long as you can. Good luck with the new living arrangement. I hope you both find incredible joy living together. Have a great weekend. 🙂

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  2. OMG Jodi, I thought I was laughing out loud before!! I could hardly contain my laughter while reading this post. I have been with my wonderful man for almost 12years and I think the only time I fluffed out loud was accidently when I was pregnant and I was in pain! The ‘other’ I have refrained from sharing the whole time and I know he appreciates it. A big YES YES to all you said, I agree with every word! Great work, well done for being brave enough to touch on subjects that all mothers should be forced to teach their daughters and Fathers should teach their son’s! Love it! Going online to get the book right NOW!

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    • YAY!!! I’m so glad you laughed at my goofy book excerpts!! 🙂 And I’m so happy to have found another woman who is discreet about bathroom time. A man does NOT need to know those things about us!!! As for “fluffing” (which I LOVE that name–you rule), I figure pregnancy exempts you from worrying about that. I still, to this day, tell my man that girls don’t do that. Never. No way. No how. Nada. 🙂

      I hope hope hope that you love the book. Please let me know what you think. If you like that post, you should definitely get a kick out of it. HUGS!!!!!

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