On Being a Driving Sociopath

Drive faster or move your ass outta my way! Yep, that’s pretty much how I look at all other drivers on the road.  This is me confessing that I think that everyone else should part like the Red Sea and make room for me when I drive. I KNOW! That is HORRIBLE!!!! I’m a BAD person! But, I’m tellin’ ya, I want to lose my ever-loving mind sometimes.

Of course, it doesn’t help living in Arizona. Here we have people called Snowbirds. While they are great for our economy, our population doubles between November and April with all the people who Winter here.  And while I love people of all races, religions, age, weight, hair color, sexual-orientation, eye color, IQ, shoe size and pet-preference, I have a hard time with the slow driver.

I try so hard to keep in mind, when a sweet octogenarian in a 1995 Lincoln is driving 15 miles below the speed limit in front of me, that bless their heart, they probably survived WWII or Korea or Vietnam. They’ve raised families, suffered loss, probably have medical conditions. I really, REALLY try to remember all of that so that my instinct of running them off the road while flipping them the bird and singing Highway to Hell at the top of my lungs doesn’t overtake me.

Jeepers, I should probably delete this post as it makes me look like a hideous person, but it took me 8 minutes to go ONE mile today. ONE MILE!! I had a moving roadblock in front of me doing between 12-15 mph on a main road. I wasn’t sure if I was more homicidal or suicidal. I mean, I understand that life shapes who we are and part of who we are is reflected in how we drive. Maybe the person driving their car slower than I walk had been in an accident at some other time in their life and is now kinda scared to drive. Maybe they aren’t feeling well. Maybe their car sucks and is dying. These are things I try to keep in the forefront of my mind when trapped in hell on the road. Alas, I still lose my mind.

Here are things I think about driving:

  1. If someone is behind you and clearly wants to go faster than you, if you are not already in the right lane for slow people, then MOVE OVER! Even if I’m speeding (which I try to limit to no more than 7 mph over the speed limit as I fear traffic cops more than cancer), if the person behind me wants to go faster then me, I move. It’s the polite thing to do.
  2. If you don’t use turn signals you should not be allowed to have a car.
  3. If you sit at a light for 10 seconds after it turns green, you should be stripped of your driving privileges.
  4. If you are lost or looking for an address, put your hazard lights on so that people expect your dumbass driving. At least then we won’t be stunned when you stop dead in the middle of the street.
  5. Learn to park in ONE parking space. I realize this isn’t exactly a driving pet peeve, but when someone parks on the diagonal in a non-diagonal parking space, I want to key their car. I would never do it, as again, I fear police more than female patterned baldness, but I do get the urge.
  6. Did I mention that if you don’t use turn signals you should be drawn and quartered? Oh, wow, that sounded harsh!!! I wouldn’t actually do that to anyone, I promise. 🙂

While I have now officially painted myself as a psycho, I know I’m not the only one. As such, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to let me know in my poll what kind of driver you are. I promise to still like you if you are a slow, devil-may-care driver. I might like you less, but I’ll still like you. 😉 KIDDING!!

34 comments on “On Being a Driving Sociopath

  1. ok, I have to leave in a few minutes, but I REALLY have some serious replying to do on this one when I get back home. BTW, you should change the “vroom vroom” in your poll to “zoom zoom” for us Mazda drivers.

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    • Sweet! I’m looking forward to it. And while I appreciate the “Zoom zoom” of the Mazda, if I had my druthers I’d drive an old 60s mustang that definitely goes, “Vroom vroom!!”

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      • Ok, my response. This might take a while.
        1. TOTALLY agree. I don’t think they teach common courtesy in drivers ed anymore. I don’t know how many times I’ve been in the far left lane only to get stuck behind someone going 5mph under the speed limit. What’s worse is they are usually going the same damn speed as the guy next to them. Now I have to maneuver across two lanes to get around you. I hate to sound like a jerk, but this is usually the point where I cut the person off. This isn’t limited to highways either. If your’re sight-seeing while driving down a 2-lane mountain road, use the courtesy pull-offs. This isn’t limited to drivers either. We’re having a problem with bicyclists hogging the road now.

        2. Yes. Simply said. Also, if you have your left signal on, it doesn’t mean you reserve the option for a right turn.

        3. If you are sitting at a green light for more than 10 seconds, I now view you as an obstruction. Most likely, you’re about 5 seconds away from getting cut off.

        4. I’m going to take this a step further and say something most males won’t say. If you’re lost, get off of the road and get directions. There’s no shame in it.

        5. This is why I park in the back rows. These are usually the same people that will park 6 inches away from you and smack your car with their door.

        6. Yes, underline that one.

        I’m usually easy going, but I don’t mess around on the roads. When I’m driving, I’m probably the biggest jerk on the road. Is it too much to ask for everyone to put the phone down, get in the right lane when you’re done passing everyone, turn the damn signal off after you turn and drive.

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      • Yay! We are of like mind on this!! Somehow, I knew we would be. I 100% agree with everything you said. I tell my mom (and now anyone who will read this post) that slow drivers who drive in the fast lane are just as dangerous as fast, aggressive drivers. Those of us trapped behind them get so damn mad that it makes for an unsafe driving environment. I think people get pride-filled while driving. “I’m not moving over. If that crazy bitch wants to drive faster she can find a way around me.” Well, that’s what happens and then people get in accidents. Common courtesy on the road has gone the way of the birds. 🙂

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    • Being a passenger in a car with a raging person is terrifying! When I’m alone, I throw fits. But when others are riding with me I try to tone it down. “Try” being the operative word there! 😉

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    • Dinamarie, I’m SO happy to hear that!!! I figured I can’t be the ONLY person who gets a bit, well…nutso when driving. 🙂

      You, your husband and I can start the “Get the Hell Outta My Way” club. 🙂 We can have t-shirts. 😉

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  2. I think every single driver should have to ride a 50cc bike on the roads for a year or two so that they understand safety, hazards and gain increased awareness before being aloud to drive a car, especially in this country.

    Although I really do like my cars, why make them have a top speed of 230kmph if the limit is 90?

    It seems odd and rather bizarre if you ask me 😉

    Very comical stuff thanks.

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    • Preach on, my dear! While I’m not the calmest of drivers, I certainly appreciate how dangerous it can be. 🙂

      And I agree about top speeds. My car can go very fast for a little 4 cylinder and it feels like it’s doing 20 when it’s doing 70. I think speed limits should be whatever I’M safe to drive! 😉 Sorry, that’s horrible. 🙂

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      • I agree, it makes no sense to have a car that can do high speeds if can’t use it right =)

        I love driving fast, it is everyone else thats dangerous =P

        My point about the bikes is the driver awareness you gain from nearly being killed my trucks is precious 😉

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      • Exactly–it’s everyone else that shouldn’t be driving. 😉

        Oh yeah, when I was younger I like riding my bike around. It’s like people in cars get cash if they run you over. Glad no truck actually smushed you. It’s nice having you around. 🙂

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      • Agreed this is not a hey don’t drive fast comment although it might read like one, I love driving fast, I just think that young people ,big cars don’t mix, thats all, track day love it myself.

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  3. Track as in race track??? I”m sooooooooooooo jealous. If I could drive my own car on a race track I’d take it to 150 and not blink an eye. But driving someone else’s car, stick shift nonetheless, scares me to death. The hubby did it (I got him 10 laps in a 750hp race car for a present) and he LOVED it! Wants to do it again. What had you on a race track, lucky boy?

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    • Our club has track day a few times a year. The track I was on is a really tight technical road course with unbanked turns, increasing radius turns and a single hairpin. Despite that, I was still approaching 90mph on the quarter mile straight-away. I would recommend taking your own car out to the track to anyone who drives. It is a safe way to learn what your car can and can’t do. It is even better if you know a SCCA driver that can coach you on what you might be doing wrong.

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      • That sounds awesome! The fastest I’ve ever been was 140 on the back of a motorcycle. Yep, I was a dumbass for not killing him for taking us that fast. I’d be happy if I could just drive 90-95 mph everywhere. That lead foot of mine is inherited. I can’t help it. I got it from my dad. All his fault! 😉

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    • Hi camartinsky! We’ve decided to make t-shirts that say, “GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY! The road is MINE!” Okay, so no real t-shirts, but a girl can dream. 🙂 Thanks for dropping by.

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  4. Oh my God…you nailed this. I agree with everything you said. I’m not a road rage kind of driver either, but these little things really make my head want to explode. One thing I’d like to include, is the braking for no reason. On the highway, trying to cruise along, and all of a sudden you have your foot on the brake. No traffic, no animals…they just all of a sudden realize that they’re moving and begin to panic. As I think of this, and what you listed, I feel my blood pressure rising.

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    • Hi there, gtwhitfield! You are SO right! The breaking for no reason makes me want to drive my car OVER their car. I always wanted to put a bull horn on my roof for yelling at people in front of me and one of those message boards in my back window so I can type impolite messages to the person behind me. 🙂

      I’m so glad to be finding out that I’m not the only one who thinks other people’s driving sucks! 😉

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  5. Yeah. I know someone in my family ahem. . . my mom. . . who “suffers” from road rage too. They say it really can be stressful. I saw right away your point of view when you said that you get afraid of the person behind you. . . or you think they will feel that they HAVE to go fast when the person in front of you is trailing 20 miles an hour and playing “on the road again” by Willie Nelson.
    Did you think about ordering “The Breach” by Patrick Lee yet?
    Just wondering. . .

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    • “On the road again”–perfect choice!!! 🙂

      I’m almost finished with The Breach!!! GREAT suggestion. Thank you soooo much! It’s a real page turner. Ahhh…if only the Whisper could play nice all the time. 🙂

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    • You non-turn signal using man!!!! Okay, I GUESS we can forgive you if you are working on it. 😉 Admitting it is half the battle, right? 🙂 Sorry, I love giving people a hard time. Thanks for stopping by, Jim. Great seeing you here.

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