STOP! Don’t stab him while he sleeps!

Seriously, it’s not wise to kill a man while he’s sawing logs.

Even though you may sincerely want to.

Even though you think there are no other options.

Even though you are positive a jury would never convict.

Don’t do it.

I’ve wanted to before. More times that I can count. That incessant snoring that makes you want to die or commit murder is too much to bear! (See, you thought I was serious about murdering people while they slept…never! Well…not anymore at least.) πŸ˜‰

My dad was a snorer. Good lord, it sounded like a plane was landing onto the roof of the house. My step-father snored so damn loud that you could hear it 25 feet down the hall and through 2 closed doors. Talk about wanting to kill???

Then, almost 20 years of a snore-free life. Somehow, I lucked out and had no men in my life that snored anymore. It was delicious. Delectable. Divine. I got to actually SLEEP!!! I’m an insomniac by nature, so when I do finally fall asleep, I really, desperately need to stay asleep.

Alas, along came my precious hubby. Holy ever-loving God. I’ve NEVER heard such a racket. EVER! The entire bed vibrates. The first two years of our relationship was me taking an insane amount of over the counter sleep meds to try and fall asleep (NOT healthy!) and jamming the nose of my teddybear into one ear and jamming my finger into the other ear in a wild attempt to drown out the cacophony taking place a mere 6 inches from my head. Of course, as soon as you start to fall asleep, your fingers (and teddybear nose) fall away from your ears and BAM!!!! Awake again and awake to stay.

Now, those of you who know me know that I love my husband more than oxygen. I’d happily jump in front of a bullet for him. But…not killing him in his sleep was the greatest challenge of my life. I loved him so much during the day, but spent every night kidney punching him, pushing him, rolling him over, pinching his nose shut. Oh, it was awful! I’d have felt bad for him EXCEPT if he hadn’t been snoring he could have slept unscathed.

Know this: If anyone has ever told you that you snore–YOU SNORE!! I know it’s not your fault. Heck, when I have a bad cold I snore a tiny bit too. It’s not just a guy problem. If your wife snores I imagine you want her dead just about every night too. πŸ˜‰

So, here’s a solution. It may not work for everyone, but it damn sure has worked for us. I’ve told many people about it and have gotten huge thank you letters (that weren’t written from prison…whew…) My wonderful hubby was willing to try the, as we call it, “Mouthy Thing” from puresleep.com. That is the only brand I know of that works, there may be others. But this is the only one I’ll ever buy.

Here’s how it works. You boil it in water and mold it to your teeth. It slightly juts your bottom jaw forward as you sleep so that you don’t snore. WARNING: for the first 10 days his jaw was slightly sore in the mornings for about 15-30 minutes. But that wore off and it’s a damn sight better than bleeding out after wifey finally succumbs to the ever-pending nervous breakdown . Now he wears it every night and doesn’t even think twice about it. It’s reduced his snoring by about 85%. It’s HEAVEN!!!

Now, if you are a snorer and think, “Why the hell should I do that??? I sleep just fine!” Yeah, YOU sleep fine. But no one else does. Part of a loving relationship is wanting the other person to be healthy and happy. Let me assure you that if your significant other is not getting proper sleep, they are not happy nor healthy. Lack of sleep is one of the most mentally and physically debilitating situations a person can be in (besides earthquakes, tornadoes, the zombie apocalypse, etc…) Plus, they do sincerely hate you every night as they get into bed.Β  They may never tell you that, but it’s true 9 times out of 10. We know if you could, you’d not snore. We know you aren’t trying to make us weep uncontrollably at the mere thought of crawling into bed with you. Alas, that is usually the case. You, Mr. or Mrs. Snorer will only be minimally inconvenienced for the first week or so as your jaw adjusts to it. But then you’ll be fine. That is such a small price to pay for the eternal love and gratitude you’ll get from your finally-sleeping love.

Plus, they go on sale all the time. I think we got 2 for $65 bucks or so and they last between 9-15 months each.

Show your honeybunny how much you love them and how much you want to live to see your next birthday and get yourself one. I bought mine for my man and am always the buyer of them. BEST MONEY I’VE EVER SPENT. If I had to hook on the corner for the cash, I’d do it. I’ve got mad skills. πŸ™‚

So go! Go NOW! Get one and see just how much happierΒ  your home will be. πŸ™‚ XOXOXO

Image procured from http://www.herdaily.com/health/760/are-you-snoring-check-this-out-.html

56 comments on “STOP! Don’t stab him while he sleeps!

  1. Very nice informative post Jodi! I am one who used to snore also! They found I had sleep apnea, and with a sleep study showed that i would stop breathing over 5 times in an hour, They put me on a CPAP that i wear at night with an air flow from the machine. I do not snore anymore and i saw some info on the piece that your husband used…i will give it a try! Thanks my sister for sharing!

    Like

    • HOLY COW!!!! You need to breathe. Breathing is good. I like you so I’d like you to continue breathing!!! πŸ™‚

      I have a friend that uses the CPAP–it’s made his life so much better, though it looks a bit like a pain in the ass.

      The “Mouthy Thing” that the hubby wears has, and I mean this sincerely, made my world a happier and healthier place. Feeling that resentment every night plus just feeling like crap all the time from getting no sleep was NOT good for us. Now I can love him 24 hours a day with no homicidal urges. That is lovely. πŸ˜‰

      Like

  2. Fortunately, since I’ve had my baby, I don’t snore anymore and my husband doesn’t snore. Now we just get no sleep because of the kid. (Worth it, though.) My dad was a terrible snorer, though, and so I can whole-heartedly sympathize with your desire to kill. He also ground his teeth so loud that you could hear it all over the house. Awful.

    Like

    • Oh my gosh! Snoring and teeth grinding? Lordy. He’d have to sleep in the basement or the garage. Period! πŸ˜‰

      Glad your snoring stopped after the wee one came along. Sorry you still aren’t getting any sleep though! πŸ˜‰ Those little guys don’t understand that Mommy and Daddy will go insane without proper sleep. Congrats on the baby, though. πŸ™‚

      Like

  3. Great story. I have heard of those devices but never tried them I use a CPAP instead and I credit that machine to keeping our marriage much happier! I snore like a freight train and have heart disease and diabetes from years of snoring. I feel your pain and so does the wife! Without the machine, I have no choice but to sleep in another room and that’s just wrong… Glad that item works for you two. πŸ™‚

    Like

    • I bet your wife just loves the hell outta you for letting her get some good sleep!!!! You are wonderful for taking care of business in that regard. πŸ™‚

      Yeah, sleeping in another room is NOT good for a relationship. Yucky!!! But sometimes there’s no alternative if the person isn’t willing to address the snoring. Good for you, being such a good hubby!!! And I’ll send prayers that all your physical stuff is okay and doesn’t bother you too much. πŸ™‚

      Like

  4. Very funny post! My husband snores too but I am a heavy sleeper, not much can wrench me from my lovely dreams πŸ˜€ although I must say that if he has a couple of beers, I can actually go cross eyed from it (and that’s 15 years worth of snoring – I’m surprised I am still sane haha :O) My solution: a jab or two (hard ones) in the ribs and if he still snores I shake him awake and make him sleep next door πŸ˜€

    Like

    • I’m SO envious of your ability to sleep heavily. I’ve always been a light sleeper and it sucks!!!!! You are so lucky. πŸ™‚

      And you are so right! Throw some booze in the mix and it just gets worse and worse. Just make a cot for him in the garage, point at it and say, “Next time…” πŸ˜‰

      Like

  5. This post was very well written! I could completely understand what you’re going through my mum is the same way. You can hear it through closed doors occasionally and even though you love the personto death, your wondering if death could come sooner…very funny, i like reading this!

    Like

    • Thank you! What a sweet thing to say. πŸ™‚ That snoring will drive the sanest person to unfathomable depths of willful destruction! Maybe your mom would benefit from the Mouthy Thing. I’d give up food to keep one of those jammed in my husband’s mouth every night. πŸ˜‰

      Like

  6. That reminds me of the two people who were together on a sailing boat. One night, one of them was snoring absolutely horribly. And the other one, who couldn’t sleep because of that awful noise, had heard someone telling him that if you clap your hands, the snoring will stop. So he clapped his hands … but nothing happened: the snoring went on. He clapped his hands again, to no better result. So again and again he clapped his hands until someone shouted from the boat next to theirs, “I really don’t mind your friend snoring, but do you really have to applaud him?”

    Like

  7. My husband was a snorer and teeth grinder too. Then I read one day to just make sure he was propped up when he slept. Like on 3 pillows. So far it has worked . Of course, I had to threaten him to stay on there! But it was getting pretty bad. Funny, he didnt snore when he was young and we had 5 kids and 4 animals…..

    Like

    • The combo is death!! (To him!) πŸ™‚ Propping him up did it? That’s amazing!!! Nothing wrong with a threat or two. Usually, they are quite necessary. πŸ˜‰ I wish that would work with my hubby. Within an our of falling asleep his one pillow usually ends up smothering me. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it was intentional. πŸ˜‰

      Like

    • OH YEAH!!! Believe me, Miss Right will LOVE you for not making her want to die every night. πŸ™‚ It’s a miracle that I didn’t walk out on my hubby the first time I heard him snore. Absolute miracle. πŸ™‚

      Like

  8. The snoring was one of the worst parts of prison. It was UNGODLY, especially when I was in a dorm room for 18 months with 19 other men. My neighbor was SO.FUCKING.LOUD. Like a buzzsaw. I jammed earplugs as hard and deep as they would go in. One morning I woke up to the blaring flourescent light overhead, and there was an officer standing there, motioning to me. I thought it was sheet change. Then I took out an ear plug and heard the EH! EH! EH! of the fire alarm. I COULD HEAR THE DUDE’S SNORING THROUGH MY EAR PLUGS, BUT NOT THE FIRE ALARM!! Unreal.

    Thank you for following my blog! I’d love for you to help spread the word somehow if you can, I’m just starting and need all the help getting people to read it that I can! I’m a novelist, but unpublished in the fiction arena. Published a few articles in the Earth First! Journal and a poem in the Louisiana English Journal’s special Hurricane Katrina issue, but still trying for fiction, short or otherwise!

    Thanks again!

    ❀ TheRewildWest

    Like

    • Oh my God, I would have DIED!!!! You poor thing! You know, you think a lot about the nightmare prison must be, but snoring? That’s something that had not before crossed my mind. Okay, remind me not to kill anyone. Prison would not be good for me.

      I still wear earplugs–now I’m spoiled to silence while I sleep and have become even more of a light sleeper. Just like your fire alarm and the snoring, my earplugs rid me of almost all noise except for my dang kitties mewling through the night. It’s like the earplugs amplify it. I love those furry little buggers, but sometimes… πŸ˜‰

      Congrats on being published in the Journals!! That’s excellent!!! I’m sending you happy writing vibes right now. πŸ™‚

      Have a great weekend, theRewildWest! Thank you so much for dropping by. πŸ™‚

      Like

      • Well you know, when Bill Maher interviewed Dr. Jack Kevorkian on the former’s show, Jack answered that the worst part of his 8 years in prison was the snoring! I wouldn’t say it was the worst, but if I hadn’t finagled my way into some ear plugs (they’re not for sale on commissary, it would be too humane–you have to get them on the black market), snoring would’ve been close to the top!

        One time my neighbor was getting REALLY bad and distracting me from my writing, and I wanted to interrupt his cycle at least, so I tried sticking my hand in my water mug and flinging it at his face…he was unaffected, but his cellmate below him shot up, looking around, confused and furious!

        Like

      • Black market??? Seriously? What the hell kind of weapon do they think you can fashion with ear plugs?? Good grief. As for your water flicking, you have guts my friend! πŸ™‚

        Like

      • Haha, no guts, just FED UP with the snoring. It was all good, I just pretended to be asleep and the guy went back to bed. I did much worse, believe me! Writing a crazy postmodern memoir about it πŸ˜€

        Like

      • You’re welcome! and you really really do deserve it! You have your own style of writing, which is just awesome! I always enjoy reading your posts! Keep writing as awesomely as you always do! I’m looking forward to more of your posts! πŸ™‚

        Like

  9. As a woman who’s also been on the verge of committing the unthinkable, I can relate to this post. Also an insomniac, I am not a happy camper when I finally manage to fall asleep and someone wakes me with their snoring. My significant other snores and when he does, I elbow him, hard. This works until he’s able to get his breath and then it’s back to the snorefest. Grief. I’ll be honest and admit that lately I’ve resorted to sleeping in the guest room. Maybe we can try the mouth thingy too. Although I don’t know if he’ll be as much of a trooper as your hubby, I mean, with the sore jaw and all. Lord help me. πŸ™‚

    Like

    • Oh gosh! I know your pain!!!! There is NOTHING worse than being an insomniac, FINALLY falling asleep, only to be awaken by a loud, choking snore! Ugh!

      I will keep my fingers crossed and say a prayer that your hubby will be okay with wearing it. The soreness wears off quickly and then he’ll be left with a woman who actually wants to sleep in the same bed with him.

      This might sound horrible, but I’m going to say it anyway. Sometimes, if you remind them that couples who sleep together, “Sleep Together” more often, that’ll be all the persuading he needs. πŸ˜‰ Good luck, new friend!!!

      Like

  10. I confess, I snore. I’ve tried everything, nose strips, mouth guard, special pillow nothing seems to help. Medication? no good. My better half can’t sleep sometimes and my own sleep isn’t as good as I’d like it to be I DO sleep, like a log, but it isn’t very restful sleep sometimes. The only guaranteed cure I’ve found is….not to sleep! But that, obviously, has serious limitations. Thanks for sharing and I’m glad its not just me *s* My other half claims that using my beard to pull my mouth open helps, funnily enough all it does for me is gives me a sore chin!

    Like

    • You poor thing!!! At least you are willing to try–bless your heart!!! πŸ™‚ I’ve known a lot of people who’ve tried “Mouthy things” before but didn’t have success until they tried the one from puresleep.com (dang, they should PAY me for this blog!!). For whatever reason, this one just works. Another suggestion, though it may seem drastic, is to go to an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor. My hubby and I went to one and he told us that he himself had his uvula removed with a laser because of his snoring. It took no time and gave him a sore throat for a few days, but that he’s never snored a peep since. He said that insurance covers it if you have sleep apnea. It might not hurt to look into that. While your other half sounds like a dream for not killing you (KIDDING!!!) I’m sure that you too would sleep much better without all the little interruptions to your REM sleep that snoring causes. You may not wake up enough to remember that you woke up, but it definitely disturbs the deep sleep that we all need.

      In the mean time, thank your other half for the beard pulling idea. If mine ever starts snoring again, I’m gonna yank on his!!!

      Like

  11. Sleeping in another room was the BEST thing I ever did for my marriage!

    I disagree with your statement “couples who sleep together, ‘sleep together’ more often.” I find it to be completely the opposite.

    Not only does my spouse snore (and vehemently denies doing so), but we have different sleeping styles – not an area where compromise works for either partner. Neither of us slept well, which led to resentment and being too tired to do anything, anyway. Bedtime was a quick kiss, lights out, roll over.

    Now, we actually cuddle in one or the other’s bed before going to our own. “Sneaking” into the other’s room is like being teenagers. We are both much better rested and far more affectionate. Just out of curiosity, does 4pm still count as a “nooner”?

    And one last thing, having a bedroom I can actually sleep in, means my well-being has vastly improved. I am finally HAPPY, again, and so is our marriage.

    Like

    • Hi Marsdencyn. Thank you for stopping by. I’m glad you and your spouse and you figured out a way to make it work. That can be hard when one person snores and especially when that person denies it. My hubby and I have vastly different sleeping schedules. He’s a morning person (good God, ick) and I’m a night owl. But for us it’s incredibly important to go to sleep together. So no matter what time he goes to bed, I crawl in with him until he’s asleep (I read while he’s drifting off), then I get up and go about my night owl business. It’s all about what works for individual couples and I’m glad you guys figured out what works for you. Very glad to hear you guys are happy! πŸ™‚ And yes, 4:00 counts as a nooner. πŸ˜‰

      Like

  12. I had to read this one because the title reminds of the Little Mermaid — the original, not the Disney version. In case you don’t know it, the Little Mermaid has a chance to become a nermaid again on the eve of the Prince’s wedding to another if… she’ll stab him in his sleep.

    Like

  13. Well, when we got married I did not snore but it seems that with age comes higher odds of snoring (for whatever reason) and after a few years the buzz saw snuck into my throat, but I was asleep so I couldn’t hear it. I didn’t know it was even going on.

    However, my wife taped it and we now sleep in seperate bedrooms. I’m downstairs in what she calls my bunker and she’s upstairs far from the horrible noise I listened to on that tape.

    I’m glad I don’t have to listen to my snoring and am also glad she doesn’t have to either. We both sleep better, so there is no temptation to do me in. :o)

    Like

    • I’m glad you guys figured out a solution! Every couple finds their own way of dealing with it, hopefully sans knives! If you guys ever wanna get back into the same bedroom, you should check out the mouthy thing. My hubby and I love it and we still get to cuddle. πŸ™‚

      Like

  14. Tried this and still he snores! With a mouth guard in, him sleeping on his side his head tilted, propped up on pillows, laid flat – you name it I have tried it So now after 4 sleepless nights in a row can I kill him (joking) 😑😑😑😑😑😫😫😩

    Like

    • Oh no!!! I will lend you a knife. πŸ˜‰ KIDDING! Not sleeping sucks! As for his mouth guard…what kind is he using? If it’s not the kind that pushes his lower jaw forward, then it won’t work.

      Good luck, Kate. I know what it’s like to love your hubby and yet want to stab him because he’s sleeping peacefully while you are lying in bed wide awake. πŸ™‚

      Like

What'cha think? Leave your comment here.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s