I’m not domestic. Not at all. I loathe cleaning. I hate doing laundry. I despise cooking. The vacuum is not my friend. My car looks like homeless people took it over years ago and have lived in it ever since. I don’t do cat litter (I hired a service for YEARS to clean my cat litter. Had to give them a key to the house–could have robbed me blind and molested my kitties. Luckily, he was a sweetheart and never got inappropriate with the furries. God, where did that come from? Sicko.) I don’t do dishes. If I was rich enough, I’d pay someone to come wash and dry my hair every other day.
Now, I know that sounds lazy as hell. But I swear, it’s not simple laziness (though that is a part.)
Here are the reasons, beyond being less domestic than a corpse, that I don’t do stuff:
- I broke the garbage disposal. I have no idea how. I always run water in it. I always check it for objects before turning it on. Alas, I broke it.
- I clogged the toilet with floor cleaning TP. We were out of papertowels (which I know to throw in the trash) so I used TP. I put that where TP normally goes, but it stopped up the pot.
- I put dishes in the dishwasher and somehow missed pre-cleaning one, so there was stuck-on food all over everything and it all had to be rewashed.
- I broke the belt on the vacuum.
- I spilled coffee all over everywhere trying to dust. Damn cup got in my way! I had to show it who’s boss. Then spent 20 minutes cleaning up the coffee. It went everywhere including a power strip (yeah, that’s safe), phone charger, bed, nightstand, under the bed and nightstand, over 2 of my teddybears and on and on and on…
- I knocked over a 15 pound salt lamp and broke my foot in 4 places.
- I tried to grate cheese and grated my thumb into the mix. Yes. We ate thumb on our pasta that night.
I could go on for days here.
So, as you can see, it’s not just laziness that keeps me from being a Domestic Goddess. Domesticity hates me back. As a reslut (why do I always type, “reslut” instead of “result?”), I am breaking up with Domesticity. Forever. Good riddance to brooms, sponges, vacuums, papertowels, dishwashers and the like. Poop on all of your heads! 😉
Image procured from: http://www.picgifs.com/clip-art/cleaning/19836/clip-art-cleaning-385513/
It is a dream of mine to break up with Domesticity.
Alas I have somehow managed to breed filthy, lazy little piglets, so I have zero choice in the matter. If it weren’t for me, my family would quite happily live in a dump. I pity their future partners – they’ve got no idea what they are in for.
LikeLike
Oh nooooo!!!! You poor thing. That’s the worst because you can’t “teach them a lesson” by not cleaning anymore because they don’t care. My heart goes out to you! I have an ex that was like that and it took all the strength in my body not to kill him on a daily basis. I hate cleaning, but I do it when I have to–painful as it might be. And you are so right, their future spouses are screwed!! 😉 So glad you stopped by. 🙂
LikeLike
you had me laughing so hard, i had to stop reading to get a grip! i’m looking forward to following your blog!
LikeLike
That is AWESOME!!! Thank you!!! Few things on earth better than making someone laugh. 🙂 Hope you are having a great week, new friend. 🙂
LikeLike
thank you and you too….making someone laugh beats cleaning by far!…actually laughing beat cleaning,…most everything does, the more i think about it…hmmm
LikeLike
Pretty much anything beats cleaning in my book! 😉 Being tarred and feathered might be worse…might… 😉
LikeLike
i’m with you, although i did wince at the tar and feather thing!
LikeLike
OUCH!!! Right? I guess I’d probably pick cleaning over tar and feathering, but it would be a close call! 🙂
LikeLike
ya cause then you would have to CLEAN the tar and feathers off! lol
LikeLike
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My plan is foiled!!! Stupid cleaning everywhere!!! 😉
LikeLike
i know!!
LikeLike
If all that calamity happened when I cleaned – cleaning would be the last thing I wanna do, but broken bones due to cleaning would be the very last straw for me. Keep up your boycott on cleaning and stay safe. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLike
I am so happy someone understands!!! I was just not meant to clean. I do tons of other stuff, but cleaning and I just don’t mix. 😉
LikeLike
Wow, that’s very…. Unfortunate that you’ve had such a bad time with cleaning. Especially breaking bones! Since my wife has a much more demanding schedule, I do most of the house cleaning and that nasty cat box which is so despised. She does the laundry. It all works out but it doesn’t mask the fact that I despise having to do it. I feel your anguish!
LikeLike
John, it is madness!!!! Yeah, the crushed foot truly sucked. I was in a boot to my knee for 12 weeks. Ugh. 😉 You are a saint for doing so much of the housework–esp the, as we call it, “kitty butt place.” You are such a good hubby!!
LikeLike
I broke my vacuum just the other day. I think it was a sign. I’d buy another, but then I wouldn’t have an awesome excuse to never vacuum again…
LikeLike
I am pretty darn sure that is the cosmos telling you that you should never vacuum again. DOWN WITH VACUUMING!!!! 😉
LikeLike
I have a fantastic job so I can make all of the money so I don’t have to clean the house because my wife doesn’t have to work. That’s the way daddy rolls. Of course, you and my wife have a lot in common. It is what it is. That is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone swear off of household chores because they’re clumsy though – good one, that.
LikeLike
Ya know, even if I didn’t have to work, I’d still hate cleaning. Your wife and I need maids. 😉 What I really need is one of those HDTV organizing shows to come to my house and just take over for a month. That would rule. 🙂 Thanks for dropping by!
LikeLike
I hate cleaning too – grass cutting I can handle, but household chores? Dammit I hate ’em. I’ve always said that I was supposed to be independently wealthy, it just didn’t work out that way.
LikeLike
Like you, independent wealth is one of my dreams. I’ve told people that I’m taking donations, but that never seems to get me anywhere. 😉
LikeLike
I know, I’ve been looking for people to finance my cycling and that’s not going too well either. Ah well, here’s to hoping… 😀
LikeLike
We need personal benefactors!! How do people get those?? If anyone knows, please let us know. 🙂
LikeLike
We’ll have to call John Edwards and ask him about that. 😀 LOL
LikeLike
If I thought he’d take my call, I would!! 😉
LikeLike
I’m a pilot…well, pile-it. I straighten by rearranging…and then trashing it if it sits long enough to piss me off. I find the trash can to be the best place for clutter. I should be a monk…or a Spartan. Weird clothes either way!
Anyhow, I say, when referring to Domesticity, “reslut” is the best. word. ever.
No matter how clean I get my place, the whore just dirties herself up even more the next damn day! STRIKE!!!!
~Regards, Dan
LikeLike
That made me chuckle out loud. 😉 I am a piler too! I have more piles of stuff all over my house I sometimes think it would be easier just to burn the place down. Grab the cats and run like hell!!! Great, now if my house ever catches fire, I’m going to be looked at very closely by the insurance people. 😉 Glad you enjoyed Reslut! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost sent out work emails with that misspelling. NO!!!! THE HORROR!!!! 😉
LikeLike
reslut….muhahahahahahahah!
LikeLike
One of my best misspellings ever. 😉
LikeLike
The work’s getting done? Just a guess, then, that you have a fabulous husband.
LikeLike
Sid, I am sooooo blessed to have the world’s most amazing hubby. He takes care of about 75% of the house stuff. I’m pretty sure there is a halo floating over his fead right now. 🙂
LikeLike
You are simply delightful. Delightful!
LikeLike
Awwwww!!! That is such a sweet thing to say!! 🙂 Oh, and LeftSockMonster has to be the best handle EVER!!! Love it!! 🙂 So happy you dropped by. 🙂
LikeLike
Our Mummy is strangely domestic for an eighteen year old. She regularly cleans our cages and vaccums the house. As well as this she loves baking, so our house usually smells of cakes. Not to mention she enjoys dusting!
Yes, our Mummy is strange even for a young hooman. I guess whee must be lucky!
Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo & Buddy
xxxx
LikeLike
Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo and Buddy, you are so very blessed to have such a good Mommy!!! My little furry friends depend mostly on Daddy for sustenance and clean surroundings as Mommy sucks. 😉 Tell Mommy that Jodi thinks she rules for being so sweet and for baking yummies!! 😉
LikeLike
This post inspired me. I just told my significant other that “I quit” as the cleaner… I’ll still do the cat litter because I promised to do that, but other than that all my cleaning projects go awry. I clean until sweat blurs my eyes and it never looks like I’ve even done anything. I am done with trying. Thanks for your post!
LikeLike
Woo hoo!!! I love to inspire laziness! 😉 Just teasing. You are a good person for continuing the cat litter (ick!) but like you, the rest of it can go blow. 🙂
LikeLike
Do what Mrs SHPics and I do…Move house every nine months……As long as you buy houses with three bathrooms and a cellar there’s no need to clean..(How bad can a loo get in three months? It’s not going to kill you) ….Plus you can simply chuck the cat litter down into the cellar and have it bricked up before you leave..We’re on house number 15 and the rubber gloves she bought me as a wedding present are still shrink-wrapped.
LikeLike
Oh my God! Brilliant!!!! Man oh man, if I only had a cellar!! 🙂 Sheer genius. 🙂
LikeLike
A spare room would do at a pinch but your equity might suffer….
LikeLike
Dangit! There is always a pitfall! 😉
LikeLike
Pingback: Noodle follies | Dad Knows
You are such a dear! Thank you! Your post had me all kinds of giggling. 🙂
LikeLike
lol. 🙂 Thanks for the smiles. My van is pretty bad, as well. 🙂 Sam
LikeLike
Whew…I’m not the only one with a filthy car! 🙂
LikeLike
Great thing about the homeless car thing. I’m going to start buying $500 dollar cars so when the homeless no longer whish to leave I will just leave them somewhere else, and get another clunker car. Now. Can I write that off on taxes, as having provided a moble home for chairty?
Thanks for looking around my blog. 🙂
All the best.
LikeLike
You sound like you’ve got a plan there!!! 🙂 And yes, I can’t imagine it wouldn’t be a write-off. 😉
LikeLike
Your posts are pretty funny, I enjoyed the read! Laundry is my nemesis. I lost 2 pair of jeans and 2 shirts in the span of a week. I just don’t get it!
LikeLike
Oh, I feel ya on the laundry! That’s a lot of lost clothes! I thought I was bad. 😉 I don’t do laundry until I run out of underwear. It’s tempting sometimes to just turn them inside out. EWWW!! I’m so gross. 😉
LikeLike
Reslut!! I love it!!
LikeLike
Yeah, I don’t know if there’s something Freudian in my misspelling or not! 😉
LikeLike
Haha! I just saw your response now : )
LikeLike
I’m sure Freud and I would have had a blast! 😉 Good Lord… 🙂
LikeLike
Haha! Quite possibly!
LikeLike
ROFL! I don’t even know what to say to this.
LikeLike
Hey there, sunshine! 🙂 Tee hee hee…glad I could give you a giggle!!! 🙂 XOXO
LikeLike
Ouch… I would have gone mad if all those things happen to me..I go crazy when my vacuum cleaner doesn’t immediately go when I pull it…
LikeLike
I’m the same way, nonfashionista! When I am forced to clean and it doesn’t go exactly like I want it to, I wanna smash things. 😉 I’m glad you understand my aversion to cleaning. That is quite the list of foibles, eh? 🙂
LikeLike
indeed 🙂
LikeLike
Great post! I like a little house work, it takes my mind off my daily problems. But I hate mowing the lawn, weeding, and all that. All I can think of is “when am I going to finish this 1/4 acre”.
LikeLike
Can you please come to my house, Jim. Anyone who doesn’t mind housework is invited to move in with us. 😉 As for the lawn–ick. That’s what neighborhood kids are for.
LikeLike
I am really feeling you! I still love you, but I really feel for you!!!!
LikeLike
You can always feel free to send me some cleaning help. I’ll happily accept the gift of a live-in maid. 😉 XO
LikeLike
Awesome post! I can’t stop laughing. It’s funny how cleaning and you doesn’t get along. A good thing you’ve boycott cleaning. Keep yourself safe from it. 🙂 Oh by the way, reslut?? You must have mispelt it.. 😛
LikeLike
So happy to give you a giggle!!! Cleaning hates me!!! 🙂 So I hate it back. Yeah, I don’t know why I always spell “result” as “reslut”. I do it EVERY time! I did it just now. Ugh! 😉
LikeLike
Sending this to my daughter that is smart, beautiful, kind, funny and successful but can’t clean her apartment to save her life. It’s good to know she’s not the only one! 🙂
LikeLike
She and I are kindred spirits!!! I hope she enjoys it. Thanks so much for dropping by. 🙂
LikeLike
Her response…
“Hahahaha wait, did I write that while I was sleeping?? It sounds just like me!!”
🙂
LikeLike
Yep! I would absolutely LOVE your daughter! Tell her, “hi” from me. Have an awesome weekend, De! 😉
LikeLike
Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I love your eye-catching blog post titles!
LikeLike
Hi Laurie! You are very welcome. Glad yo like my crazy titles. 🙂
LikeLike
Put on your favorite tunes or a fun outfit (or no outfit) and dance away the dirt and clutter. Yes, we all procrastinate but when mission is accomplished don’t we feel relieved and happier in our clean, clutter-free nest?
LikeLike
Hey there, thefolia! If I thought dancing naked (or marginally clothed) would making cleaning more fun, I’d go strip right now! 😉 I did clean my shower today, so I am VERY proud of myself! 😉
LikeLike
You go girl! I always clean the shower in my Birthday Suit not because I am feeling sexy, but it works better–you don’t have to take off you clothes that you drenched with water.
LikeLike
You crack me up! I have such the mental picture in my head right now. Buck naked, armed with Scrubbing Bubbles and a sponge. 🙂 Awesome!
LikeLike
and don’t forget the surgical face mask to protect my lungs from the harsh chemical fumes!
LikeLike
Oh my gosh! If I was an artist, or could even draw a stick figure, I’d totally illustrate the awesome picture you’ve put in my head!!! 😉
LikeLike
Pingback: A Podcast of My Smarmy Mouth! | Jodi Ambrose's Blog