May 30 2012

Reasons I Am NEVER Cleaning ANYTHING again.

I’m not domestic. Not at all. I loathe cleaning. I hate doing laundry. I despise cooking. The vacuum is not my friend. My car looks like homeless people took it over years ago and have lived in it ever since. I don’t do cat litter (I hired a service for YEARS to clean my cat litter. Had to give them a key to the house–could have robbed me blind and molested my kitties. Luckily, he was a sweetheart and never got inappropriate with the furries. God, where did that come from? Sicko.) I don’t do dishes. If I was rich enough, I’d pay someone to come wash and dry my hair every other day.

Now, I know that sounds lazy as hell. But I swear, it’s not simple laziness (though that is a part.)

Here are the reasons, beyond being less domestic than a corpse, that I don’t do stuff:

  1. I broke the garbage disposal. I have no idea how. I always run water in it. I always check it for objects before turning it on. Alas, I broke it.
  2. I clogged the toilet with floor cleaning TP. We were out of papertowels (which I know to throw in the trash) so I used TP. I put that where TP normally goes, but it stopped up the pot.
  3. I put dishes in the dishwasher and somehow missed pre-cleaning one, so there was stuck-on food all over everything and it all had to be rewashed.
  4. I broke the belt on the vacuum.
  5. I spilled coffee all over everywhere trying to dust. Damn cup got in my way! I had to show it who’s boss. Then spent 20 minutes cleaning up the coffee. It went everywhere including a power strip (yeah, that’s safe), phone charger, bed, nightstand, under the bed and nightstand, over 2 of my teddybears and on and on and on…
  6. I knocked over a 15 pound salt lamp and broke my foot in 4 places.
  7. I tried to grate cheese and grated my thumb into the mix. Yes. We ate thumb on our pasta that night.

I could go on for days here.

So, as you can see, it’s not just laziness that keeps me from being a Domestic Goddess. Domesticity hates me back. As a reslut (why do I always type, “reslut” instead of “result?”), I am breaking up with Domesticity. Forever. Good riddance to brooms, sponges, vacuums, papertowels, dishwashers and the like. Poop on all of your heads! 😉

Image procured from: http://www.picgifs.com/clip-art/cleaning/19836/clip-art-cleaning-385513/

78 comments on “Reasons I Am NEVER Cleaning ANYTHING again.”

  1. It is a dream of mine to break up with Domesticity.
    Alas I have somehow managed to breed filthy, lazy little piglets, so I have zero choice in the matter. If it weren’t for me, my family would quite happily live in a dump. I pity their future partners – they’ve got no idea what they are in for.

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  2. If all that calamity happened when I cleaned – cleaning would be the last thing I wanna do, but broken bones due to cleaning would be the very last straw for me. Keep up your boycott on cleaning and stay safe. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. Wow, that’s very…. Unfortunate that you’ve had such a bad time with cleaning. Especially breaking bones! Since my wife has a much more demanding schedule, I do most of the house cleaning and that nasty cat box which is so despised. She does the laundry. It all works out but it doesn’t mask the fact that I despise having to do it. I feel your anguish!

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    • John, it is madness!!!! Yeah, the crushed foot truly sucked. I was in a boot to my knee for 12 weeks. Ugh. 😉 You are a saint for doing so much of the housework–esp the, as we call it, “kitty butt place.” You are such a good hubby!!

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  5. I have a fantastic job so I can make all of the money so I don’t have to clean the house because my wife doesn’t have to work. That’s the way daddy rolls. Of course, you and my wife have a lot in common. It is what it is. That is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone swear off of household chores because they’re clumsy though – good one, that.

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  6. I’m a pilot…well, pile-it. I straighten by rearranging…and then trashing it if it sits long enough to piss me off. I find the trash can to be the best place for clutter. I should be a monk…or a Spartan. Weird clothes either way!
    Anyhow, I say, when referring to Domesticity, “reslut” is the best. word. ever.
    No matter how clean I get my place, the whore just dirties herself up even more the next damn day! STRIKE!!!!
    ~Regards, Dan

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    • That made me chuckle out loud. 😉 I am a piler too! I have more piles of stuff all over my house I sometimes think it would be easier just to burn the place down. Grab the cats and run like hell!!! Great, now if my house ever catches fire, I’m going to be looked at very closely by the insurance people. 😉 Glad you enjoyed Reslut! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost sent out work emails with that misspelling. NO!!!! THE HORROR!!!! 😉

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  10. Our Mummy is strangely domestic for an eighteen year old. She regularly cleans our cages and vaccums the house. As well as this she loves baking, so our house usually smells of cakes. Not to mention she enjoys dusting!

    Yes, our Mummy is strange even for a young hooman. I guess whee must be lucky!

    Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo & Buddy
    xxxx

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    • Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo and Buddy, you are so very blessed to have such a good Mommy!!! My little furry friends depend mostly on Daddy for sustenance and clean surroundings as Mommy sucks. 😉 Tell Mommy that Jodi thinks she rules for being so sweet and for baking yummies!! 😉

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  11. This post inspired me. I just told my significant other that “I quit” as the cleaner… I’ll still do the cat litter because I promised to do that, but other than that all my cleaning projects go awry. I clean until sweat blurs my eyes and it never looks like I’ve even done anything. I am done with trying. Thanks for your post!

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  12. Do what Mrs SHPics and I do…Move house every nine months……As long as you buy houses with three bathrooms and a cellar there’s no need to clean..(How bad can a loo get in three months? It’s not going to kill you) ….Plus you can simply chuck the cat litter down into the cellar and have it bricked up before you leave..We’re on house number 15 and the rubber gloves she bought me as a wedding present are still shrink-wrapped.

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  13. Pingback: Noodle follies | Dad Knows

  15. Great thing about the homeless car thing. I’m going to start buying $500 dollar cars so when the homeless no longer whish to leave I will just leave them somewhere else, and get another clunker car. Now. Can I write that off on taxes, as having provided a moble home for chairty?
    Thanks for looking around my blog. 🙂
    All the best.

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  19. Great post! I like a little house work, it takes my mind off my daily problems. But I hate mowing the lawn, weeding, and all that. All I can think of is “when am I going to finish this 1/4 acre”.

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  21. Awesome post! I can’t stop laughing. It’s funny how cleaning and you doesn’t get along. A good thing you’ve boycott cleaning. Keep yourself safe from it. 🙂 Oh by the way, reslut?? You must have mispelt it.. 😛

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  22. Sending this to my daughter that is smart, beautiful, kind, funny and successful but can’t clean her apartment to save her life. It’s good to know she’s not the only one! 🙂

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  24. Put on your favorite tunes or a fun outfit (or no outfit) and dance away the dirt and clutter. Yes, we all procrastinate but when mission is accomplished don’t we feel relieved and happier in our clean, clutter-free nest?

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