Jun 9 2012

I Use Naughty Words in this Post. Read only if you’re already corrupted!

I am both horrified and humiliated that the inspiration for this post came from a sentence uttered on the Real Housewives of NY. I don’t like ANY of those women and I have no idea why I am compelled to watch the damn show. Alas, I give into my compulsion with unrestrained glee. 🙂

Here’s what was said: “Say what you mean but don’t say it mean.” I couldn’t agree more! In the book that I’m currently writing I have a chapter on saying things in a way that gets your point across without saying it the way you might really want to say it. Tempting as it may be.

For example, when my hubby and I were first dating, he made us dinner. I don’t eat very much in one sitting and was done pretty quickly. As the coffee table was a train wreck, the only flat surface was the lid of his closed laptop. So, I put my plate on it. He looked at me for a long moment and said, “Can you please move your plate?” He said it sweetly but I knew what he meant. So I said to him, “Do you mean, ‘Move your fuckin’ plate off my computer before I kill you bitch?'” He about died laughing because that was EXACTLY what he meant (though in a much less caustic way), but of course he would never say it in those words because I’d kill him in his sleep. It’s all about that catching more bees with honey thing.

So here’s a completely unedited, first draft, so not finished, needs serious help, unpublishable at this point excerpt from the book I’m writing now that’ll give you some suggestions for how to say, “GO TO HELL” in a way that’s slightly less offensive.

2) Think before you speak

“You son of a bitch, prick, asshole, mother fu…” Yep, so often that is exactly what we are thinking when mad. That, or something like it. And while the taste of those words and the sheer delight you feel when they roll off your tongue is beyond bliss, always first try and remember the consequences of saying delicious sentences like that.

Clearly, I’m not one to mince words. I pretty much say what I feel, when I feel it. Doing so makes my life so much better than it ever was before I learned how to say what I think. Feeling free to speak your mind is one of the most liberating feelings in the world. I only learned how to do it in my mid-30s. It took that many years to stop worrying about what everyone else thought and to start worrying about what I thought. But (and this is the key), I always consider the WAY I say things before I say them, though it is NOT always easy to do so. Especially for someone like me with the mouth of a trucker. I never met a 4-letter word that I didn’t like. The “f” word is my favorite. I can come up with so many creative ways to use that word it boggles the mind. Because of my affinity for cussing, it can be incredibly hard for me to not sometimes blurt out a line of expletives that would make the most hardened criminal blush. I find it to be incredibly stress relieving to just exhaust my cuss word vocabulary when angry. Alas, if I’m aiming that foul mouth at another person, it does absolutely nothing to solve whatever issue has annoyed me or hurt my feelings. This is where the “think before you speak” suggestion comes into play.

I want to warn you before you read further in this section—there are going to be cuss words and they aren’t going to be pretty. But I say them to make a point, I promise.

Let’s take a look at what goes through my brain and what actually ends up coming out of my mouth in a couple different scenarios.

Scenario 1: A woman at the office, who is a stupid idiot and I don’t even know how she got or keeps her job, does everything in her power to make me look bad. While at a meeting she takes full credit for an idea of mine that will make the company a crazy amount of money.

What goes on in my head: “Bitch, I’m going to kill you!!!” (I reluctantly refrain from leaping across the conference room table with a pair of scissors in my hand.) “You couldn’t come up with that idea if you had 2 brains because you are a stupid cow who needs help putting on her shoes! I fucking hate you and hope you die a slow and very painful death! BITCH!!!!!”

What I actually say aloud: “That’s a great idea! I remember when I first mentioned it to you in your office a few weeks ago. I’m so happy that you liked my idea enough to bring it up at the meeting today.” (I say this in front of everyone at the meeting.)

Benefit to handling it this way: The point gets made to everyone in the meeting that I am the one who came up with the idea. The point also gets made that she’s tried to take credit for it. So instead of seeming like the smartest person in the room (which we KNOW she isn’t), she instead seems like an idea-thief, which she is, and now everyone knows it. By not going to my dark place, armed with scissors and foul language, I’ve won the battle. To me, that’s the ultimate success.

Scenario 2: My significant other obviously checks out a hot chick with no regard for how that will make me feel. (Grant doesn’t do this, but Lord knows others have!)

What goes on in my head: “You. Complete. Asshole. I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE!!! I know someone who is SO NOT GETTING LAID anytime in the near future. WTF? Am I not good enough for you anymore? As if you are so fucking hot. Please. I’d like to rip your pecker off and jam it down your throat.”

What I actually say aloud: “Honey, it really hurts my feelings when you do that. I’d appreciate it if you showed me more respect.”

Benefit to handling it this way: I’m not putting him on the defensive or the offensive, which we all know solves nothing and usually just causes a huge fight where he’ll deny checking the other chick out anyway, then accuse me of calling him a liar. Of course, even with the rational sentence I just uttered, he’ll still probably deny it, but we’ll both know the truth. When you “attack” someone with anger and cussing, their instant response is to defend themselves. That doesn’t help anything. So, while I was so angry I could have, as my mom used to say, spit nails, I reeled in the anger and instead made him feel like a heel. Being honest about how a lack of respect makes you feel is healthy, because you’ve gotten it off your chest, and it will hopefully also be an effective deterrent to him doing it again.

One time though…: Okay, so I haven’t always been a saint with the way I handle these situations. One summer, while at the beach, my boyfriend at the time stared so hard at this hot girl that it’s a miracle his eyes didn’t start bleeding. As annoyed as I was, I bit my tongue until he muttered under his breath, “Mmmm…mmmm…mmmmm…” while checking out her ass. So, yeah, my head exploded. I got up, walked over to her and said, “It’s clear my boyfriend wants to fuck you instead of me. Do you have any interest in that, cause if you do, he’s yours.” She lowered her sunglasses, looked him up and down, and dismissively said, “No, thanks.” It took all the strength in my body not to DIE laughing in his face. But I didn’t. I let her dismissal stand on its own. He was mortified, but he got the damn point. Over the next 3 years and until we broke up, he never again checked out a chick to where I could tell he was doing it (God bless sunglasses, I’m sure).

Lesson to be learned: While it is often beneficial to say things in an honest, yet reasonable way, sometimes you have to let your hair down and take a different avenue. In this case, it was the 3rd time I’d caught him checking other girls out and I was DONE with it. Even though my strategy wasn’t exactly subtle, it worked. Sometimes, you have to get creative in what you say and how you say it. You don’t always have to be a reasonable saint. Just remember to assess what the reaction will be before you go off on some tangent of verbal karate as it’s a positive outcome that you are looking for. While it may feel wonderful to spit like a viper, it usually accomplishes nothing but making the situation worse. And that’s the last thing we want to have happen.

So, that’s my little excerpt. Please forgive it for not being edited or even well-written. The book is still in the first-draft stage. I haven’t even reread what I’ve written yet.

Hard to believe that RHONY actually said something interesting that ties to my book. I’m quite sure I’ve never heard anything intelligent or helpful on that show before. 😉 Have a great weekend, everyone!

62 comments on “I Use Naughty Words in this Post. Read only if you’re already corrupted!”

  2. First of all, I laughed so hard with that. LOL. “It’s clear my boyfriend wants to fuck you instead of me” “no thanks” hahahahaha.

    Secondly, not sure what type of feedback you are after, but for scenario one, I would change “A woman at the office, who is a stupid idiot … ” for “One woman at the office, who’s elevator doesn’t even get off of ground (first?) floor …” or …, who signed up for drains instead of brains… ”

    Thirdly, I think it is well written already 🙂

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    • Yay!! I love giving people the giggles. 🙂 You should have seen the look on his face! It was PRICELESS!! 🙂 And the way the chick handled it was perfect. I couldn’t have written a better script for her if we were in collusion! 😉

      As for the feedback, AWESOME! Thank you!!! I always love good feedback and it is very appreciated. 🙂 And thanks for the sweetness too. You rule. 🙂

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      • Some of the things I used to think to say to my ex-wife, then the wicked witch of the north, but with my kids around, I couldn’t put them through that. The ex-wife would have done nothing but shout (although one time, in front of the kids she said to me “go on then, hit me” – not bad seeing as it was her who had raised a hand to me previously, and I have always been brought up to never hit a woman), but the WWotN – well, there’s no telling what she would have done.

        One time, she came in from work, sidled up to me, and said “what do you want to do to me?” I did think “I want to sew your gob shut then shove your head so far down the toilet, the next time you have a shit you will be able to see it coming”, but I actually said “make you dinner and a nice cup of coffee?”

        Yours are great. I wish I was able to come out with them kind of things lol

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      • OH. MY. GOD. I am STILL laughing!!!! HOLY MOLY!!!! “…sew your gob shut…” that whole sentence is the funniest thing I’ve ever read! 🙂 LOVE IT! Bless your heart for using such incredible self control! 🙂 And good for you for not wearing a mustard stained wife beater and then fulfilling the role. I agree that there is never cause to hit a woman. Okay, maybe if she’s insane, coming at you with a knife in one hand and an axe in the other and it’s either clock her unconscious or watch your whole family be chopped up. I guess then it’s okay. But other than that… 😉 Your ex sounds like a nightmare. Don’t people like her realize the damage they do to their children by behaving that way in front of them? Thank GOD you are the hell away from her!!! Whew!

        On an entirely different note–if you get a gaming PC and need some new buddies for your gaming, let me know. While our time zones are crazy different, maybe you can the hubby could play together? He’s always looking for fun, competent gamers to play with. Wow. Am I setting up a play date for two grown men? Lordy. 😉

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      • LMAO. That would be great. Hopefully in the next couple of months I’ll get one. Got my daughter’s birthday in two weeks and promised both the kids a trip to London in the summer holidays. Why do I do these things?? (Coz I love em)

        Just for a giggle, I have this habit of making up acronyms for just about anything, and when I was going through the divorce, I made one up called SToBeX Which was for Soon To Be Ex 😀

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      • Ooohhh…a trip to London. GOOD DADDY!!! I’ve never been overseas and want to go so much! One of these days. 🙂 I hope you guys have an AMAZING time! 🙂

        I love your acronyms. SToBeX, while harder to type, is much cooler than Soon to be Ex. It makes you sound all hip and cool. 😉 Did I just say, “hip?” God, I’m geriatric! 😉 Off to the octogenarian farm with me!

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      • I went to Germany for a couple of weeks in 1981, but that’s it. I always wanted to go to Egypt, but with my back now, I can’t. Oh well. More time with the kids at home. Although they are 16 and nearly 14 now, so they don’t want to do so much with me. I will say though, I arrived back from my few days away to find that my 13 year old daughter had come home early to tidy a bit of the house up and to meet me. I was over the moon. I wasn’t expecting to see her until today. 🙂

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      • Dads can definitely be icky when kids are teenagers! But how sweet is your daughter??!!! What a honey! Isn’t it wonderful when people surprise you like that? As much as I despise cleaning, I try to clean up a bit when my hubby’s coming back from a business trip. It always tickles him as I never clean otherwise. 😉

        Sorry that Egypt is off your radar now. Nothing like a bad back to screw with one’s plans. Icky. How was Germany? Oh, I guess the Germany of 1981 is MUCH different than the Germany of 2012. Did they even know who David Hasselhoff was back then? 😉

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      • I don’t think WE knew who David Hasselhoff was back then lol. I told the people that I was staying with, and everyone I have spoken to so far that I have the best daughter in the world 🙂

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      • My dear…were you a 10 year old girl back then with a mom who loved the daytime soap, “The Young and the Restless” you’d have known Mr. Hasselhoff as Snapper. 🙂 You know, way back before his alcoholism kicked in for the whole world to see? 😉 And yes, I’d agree with your friends, you daughter is awesome! 🙂

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    • You are so cute! What a sweet thing to say. Yeah, I have to admit that I’m quite mouthy in my books. Who needs all those 25 cent words when, “You act like a dumbass and she won’t have sex with you because of it,” is just as effective?? 🙂

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  4. Heya, whee haven’t squeaked to you in ages (two day?!). Unfortunately Mummy covered our eyes and read this, giggling loudly enough to annoy us for not letting us see.

    That said, despite Mummy’s strange protectiveness of our virtue, whee are sure that it is, as always, a great post!

    Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo & Buddy
    xxxx

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    • Awwwww!!! That is awesome! I LOVE your comment! 😉 Really though, thanks so much. I’m so happy you enjoyed it. 🙂 I’m looking forward to publishing the book (which includes most of the post), though I’ve still got a LOT of writing to do!

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  8. you fecking rock!! love love the potty mouth posts 😉 honest and thought provoking who knew a cursing bitch could be so fucking smart…ha haaa great post!

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    • You just made me bust out laughing!!! I love me a good potty mouth! 🙂 So happy you liked it! 🙂 It’s hard not to populate every blog I have with, “fuck this, fuck that, fuck you.” KIDDING…well, sort of. 😉 Glad to have a kindred spirit around.

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  10. Unfortunately for me the person who did me wrong better hope we are in a public area cause in private I have no problem with laying all their shit out for them to see. I am not talking screaming crazy hysterical, but look ’em in the eye, even tone, level voice, logical outline laying all their shit out so that they can clearly see that…I pay attention even when they may think I am not. In public it is politely let them know the score and that I totally have their number.

    I am totally okay with all those naughty words. I cuss, but my uncle is always going on about how much my sister, his daughter, and I are cussing. I am 27 years old at this point they can’t really get me to change. His words “don’t we have better words?” I sure do, but for emphasis I use cuss words. For example “Shut Up” might get some one to pause, but “Shut the FUCK Up” puts some emphasis and authority behind it. So my uncle will have to keep on bitching cause cussing isn’t something I am cutting out of my vocabulary. What I do find funny is when he and his friends are drinking and getting rowdy he tends to cuss more, but to each their own.

    Thanks for sharing your examples.

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    • Hi Illusyon! I think the even tone, level voice and logical outlining can be SO much more impactful and persuasive. When people yell, I tune out. When people clearly state stuff, I listen. Even though it’s more fun to just let it all out!

      I LOVE cussing! Like you said, a “shut the fuck up” grabs attention better than “shut up.” Plus, it’s more fun to say it that way. I occasionally have people give me a hard time about my language, but my thought is: if you don’t wanna hear it, don’t be my friend. If you don’t wanna read it, don’t read my blog. I am who I am. Of course, if I’m in church (never happens) or in a work meeting or something of the like, I tone it down. I do understand the concept of being appropriate in differing situations. But if I’m at home or with friends or writing, I just write from the heart. Of course my heart has a lot of the word, “fuck” in it. 😉

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  12. Hahaha Cracking up* I would have loved to see your boyfriends face after the beach incident. I am sitting on my couch at home laughing out loud at that getting strange looks of intrigue from the rest of my family as they walk past!!! PMSL! I do also swear alot! (Although not actually AT people) And as usual I love this post! So very true Jodi! The book is going to be Fantastic! 🙂

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    • His face was PRICELESS!!!! I’ll never forget it as long as I live. One of those classic moments that is forever burned into my memory!! 😉 Tell your family that the crazy lunatic blogging lady says, “Hi!” Lemme tell you what I dork I am. I had to Google PMSL! Good grief, I’m old. 🙂 I’m like you. I swear a lot but never AT people—though as you can see, the primal instinct to do so is always floating just below the surface. 😉 Thanks for the positive book sweetness! I hope it turns out well. Fingers, eyes, toes and knees crossed. 😉

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      • Let me tell you…it is always bubbling just under the surface…exploding out of me as soon as I drop my guard. 🙂 From one Dork to another, don’t be too hard on yourself, I only learned PMSL this year and it was also via Google. 😉
        P.S. My family says “Hi” back.

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  15. Jodi! I’m still laughing, and I read this half an hour ago. I don’t know which was better – “I’m glad you like my idea enough to mention it” or “No thanks”. Brilliant, all around.

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  17. Lovely, Jodi. It’s all in the WAY we say it. I wish some people will understand. And you’ve good advice right here. I’m controlling my emotions and it’s not about mincing words, it’s about saying it in a civil manner – right this month where I’ve been fuming mad 110% of the time.

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    • Hi Rustic!! Yep, civility is a beautiful thing and so often forgotten!!! My mom always told me, “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” Truer words were never spoken. It’s great to know someone else (you!) who agrees with that philosophy! 😉

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  19. Stop all the cursing damn it! 😛
    (Side note: I don’t think Road Rage is Road Rage, it’s just all those times of practicing this catching us unawares! Like anger, when cursing is bottled up it only builds pressure! 😉

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