I Gots Me the Buzz Muff! Don’t read this. No one should read this. You’ve been warned.

So, what is the Buzz Muff you ask?

Lemme tell you a little story…

I used to have to travel for work all the time. I was the consummate Road Warrior! I had 2 sets of makeup. 2 curling irons. 2 of everything so I could just grab a suitcase and go. About 2 years ago I was traveling back and forth to Florida every week for about 8 weeks. Kill me. That is a LONG ASS flight, especially in coach. Total suck. For those of you who’ve spent a lot of time in a plane, you know that when you unfold yourself out of those teeny tiny, made for 90 pound 4 foot tall people seats, that your body sometimes rebels. This is such a story.

Having finally arrived in the ungodly miserable heat and humidity (my damn glasses always fog up the second I walk outside and I’m essentially blind for 45 seconds) I head to the car rental place. It was right at the terminal, so not a bad walk. While standing there I all of a sudden felt this “buzz” in my nether regions. WTF??? What the hell was that?? Is my phone in my pocket? 10 seconds later: BUZZ!! 10 seconds after that: BUZZ. What on earth??!!!Β  Maybe it’s some vibration coming up through the floor since we are still at the airport. Maybe the close flying planes cause the floor to blah blah blah. I had NO clue what the hell was causing it. I was looking for any excuse to grab on to as I’d never before had the Buzz Muff.

I get my rental (BUZZ) car. Put my luggage in (BUZZ) the trunk. Start driving to (BUZZ) the hotel. Now I realize that I cannot blame this on any kind of floor vibration climbing up my leg and landing in my, ummm…girl parts. And while some of you out there may be thinking, “HOW AWESOME!!! It must be like having a “personal massager” on demand every 10 seconds,” let me assure you: NOT FUN! Especially when you don’t know what in the hell is causing it. My brain is thinking: Spinal injury; caught some ungodly worm or mite from the bathroom in the plane; my muff is going to fall off; clearly I’m dying and this is the first throe of death. It was funny and horrifying all at the same time.

Eventually, I find my hotel, get (BUZZ) checked in and unpacked. I call the hubby and say, “Ummm…honey. I gots me the Buzz Muff.” He was like, “What in the hell are you talking about (while laughing his ass off–I still owe him a small stick in the kidney with an ice pick for laughing so hard!). I try to explain to him my muff insanity, but it was hard to explain! All I could relate it to was the time I was swapping out a regular outlet for a GFCI outlet and turned off the wrong breaker. I got a hell of a shock with that and that is exactly how this felt.

So, on to the next day where I have to train a handful of teachers from 7:30am-4:00pm and then another group from 4:30pm-8:30pm (my bosses are clearly child labor enthusiasts!). This is to be my schedule for the next 3 days. And right on time, every ten seconds, BUZZ! Can I even begin to express to you how incredibly difficult it is to train 30 teachers how to use computers in the classroom while BUZZ is happening with every 5th word I utter???

On day two I called my gyno and said to her, as she is awesome, “What in the fuck is wrong with my coochie??? I’m going to tear it off and throw it in the ocean if it doesn’t stop!” She too cracked up laughing! Bitch. πŸ˜‰ She came up with many scenarios including this one which is my favorite: “Well…could it be that…ummm…could Grant have, you know, left something in there by accident?” OH MY GOD!!! That made ME die laughing. No. That is not what happened. She told me that happens all the time. She told me this right as I was taking a long drink of coffee and I spit it everywhere!! How does one “forget” an object like that in a place like that??? Good Lord have mercy. Alas, she has no answer for me. Dammit!

On day three I called my boss. I said to her, “I don’t think I can finish this training. I gots me the Buzz Muff.” Yep, you can guess her response. And yes, I told my BOSS that. Why not? We’re all chicks. She told me that if I needed to come home early that she’d understand. Of course, her being so understanding made me stay and finish out the week because I didn’t want to let her down.

On day four I finally get to go home. I’ve gotten NO sleep. The thought of “returning from a business trip” sex makes me wanna puke. I’m quite certain I’m dying of some hideous nerve cancer or some other horror. But I persist and get on the plane. I fold myself into my 2 square feet of space, take 2 sleeping pills and pass out. There was NO way I’d have made it on the plane for 6 hours with the Buzz Muff hounding me without tearing open the emergency exit and jumping to my delightful and wished-for death.

We finally land. I stand up to stretch and while doing so I feel no buzzing. NONE! Where’d the Buzz Muff go? I say out loud, “THANK YA JESUS!” The lady next to me says, “Yeah, thank God that flight is over.” Pretending that was what I was talking about I concurred and then stood there reveling in the fact that my muff had returned to its previously happy state of well-being.

The following week I went to the doc and he told me (through not-so-veiled giggles) that while he had NEVER, EVER heard of the Buzz MuffΒ  that I must have pinched a nerve on the plane on the way to Florida and unpinched it on the plane back. It was his only solution to my ever-curious girlie parts.

Since then, everyone at work either called me Buzz/Buzzy or would walk by and make a buzzing noise. I guess word travels fast when it’s one’s who-ha in crisis! πŸ˜‰ I don’t even work there anymore and some of my old coworkers STILL call me that. Never dull…nope, life is never dull.

If any of you have suffered the Buzz Muff or are doctors and would like to share with me your theories, please feel free. It is still the Great Unknown Muff Adventure and a little insight would be awesome. πŸ™‚

109 comments on “I Gots Me the Buzz Muff! Don’t read this. No one should read this. You’ve been warned.

  1. HAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for a wake up laugh. That made me crack up. I thought (as Alundeberg did) that it was something to do with a brazillian. I may have to just make some random BZZZZZTT comments occasionally. LOL

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    • Hey there, doll!!! So glad to give you a morning giggle! πŸ™‚ When she commented that it sounded like a Brazilian mishap I thought, “OH MY GOD!!! I share A LOT on this page, but I might keep that to myself! I hope newbies to my site don’t think I’m a whore!” πŸ˜‰ You spelled it just how one of my old coworkers does. He’ll text me out of the blue: Bzzzzzttt!! Jackass. πŸ˜‰ It always cracks me up.

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  2. Hahahahahahaha! Thanks, I needed that. Mainly because THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME! After flying! but it’s never lasted more than a day or two – I wonder if it’s my yoga that “fixes” it? Anyway, I know have a name for it…I called it the “gigi twitch” before, but this is better.

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    • Are you shitting me???? Not that I’d wish it on anyone but it’s SO nice to know that I’m not the only one who’s had the Buzz Muff!! After flying too? Whew…I’m much less worried about nerve cancer or bathroom mites now. πŸ˜‰ The “gigi twitch” is the funniest muff-related thing I’ve ever heard in my life!!! LOVE IT!

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  3. Yepp. I have had Buzz Muff before too. It’s definitely a pinched nerve, completely upsetting though. I get it off to one side…tmi…and it’s so irritating that it makes me smack myself in the vagina. Yeah. True story.

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    • SHUT UP!!! I’m sooooo glad I’m not the only one!!! Stupid nerve. Stupid muff!!! And YES, it IS upsetting!! It totally freaked me out. πŸ˜‰ Off to one side? Now that would drive me even nuttier as it’s not in geometric proportion! πŸ˜‰ “Smack myself in the vagina.” I freaking busted out laughing. I have no doubt men all over the world are turned on after reading that! πŸ˜‰ Hugs!

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    • That happens to me too…. off to one side and it is aggrivating as all hell!! I compare it to when your foot falls asleep… suck! I’ve tried jumping up and down, smacking my lips (lol), pinching it, applying pressure, looking down and yelling at it to knock it the f* off, etc None of which are a good look. I’m so sorry and so happy that someone else has an errant hooha.

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      • Oh my God, I’m DYING over here!!!!! I have the BEST mental image of you doing the Buzz Muff Dance!!! That is AWESOME!!! I too have screamed at my muff. How weird it must look if someone could see me. “Quit it!!! Quit it NOW!! I will cut you off and throw you in the street if you don’t stop buzzing!!” You and I are quite a pair! πŸ˜‰

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      • I’m tellin’ ya, just rip it off and feed it to the cats. Unlike dogs, cats will eat you after you die. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind taking care of that body part for us. πŸ˜‰

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  4. They’re just twitching muscles they can be caused by a couple things fatigue, stress, caffeine use, etc. you can stop those by applying pressure near the twitching muscles (or Botox but a needle in that area is a scary thought)…..or if you had a trauma to the body or a predisposition to it I would say it could be a dystonia…but I’ve had that happen before also

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    • OH MY GOD! I’ve just been horrified. Muff Botox!!!! Good Lord. That is terribly frightening!!! πŸ˜‰ Can you imagine if I’d applied pressure to it? I can picture it. There I am, teaching in front of 30 teachers with my hand pressing against my muff. “Sorry everyone. I know this is awkward looking, but ya see…I gots me the buzz muff and have to apply pressure.” The thought is making me crack up laughing!!! πŸ™‚ Thanks for giving me the giggles. πŸ™‚

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  5. I thought of this earlier today giving me a giggle, especially the bit about “are you sure your husband didn’t leave something behind”. And I thought ….

    Woman goes to the doctors after her *buzz muff* has suddenly stopped. Doctor says “so it’s gone, what do you want me to do about it now?” She replies with “I just need you to change the batteries”

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  6. I couldn’t stop laughing through the whole story!! Is that wrong? LOL….You even make a Buzz Muff story entertaining. Never had it happen to me, but when and if I do, I at least have a name for it!!

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  7. at first i thought you was substituting the F word with the word “Buz” then i saw the word muff and continued reading on and yes , i then got it , wow , that must of felt awkward, lol, i loved this post , thanks for sharing

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    • I hadn’t even thought of that! Like they used to do on TV and the radio and BUZZ someone’s bad language. What a great initial thought! Usually I’ll just say the “f” word in my filter free world. πŸ˜‰ I’m really happy you enjoyed it! πŸ™‚ Making people laugh is awesome.

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  8. I read some strange stuff before but this takes the cake….. Could not stop laughing and to be honest, i was a bit aroused by this, i mean, u are talking about food here *wink*

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  9. Hilarious!! I’m sorry I’m laughing at your expense. It’s too bad you didn’t enjoy it. It would seem everyone’s dream. Ever heard those women who would have orgasms all day long? There was a documentary. They weren’t happy either : )

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    • No worries. People laugh at my expense all the time. πŸ˜‰ I WISH I had enjoyed it. Of course, had I, it would have been even harder to work 13 hours a day! How in the world could I have concentrated??? πŸ™‚ Talk about distracting. Glad you enjoyed the post. I love making people giggle.

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  10. Love this post. Effing hilarious! You are not alone; I have Buzz Muff too. Of course, in my case it is caused by MS, a nerve damaging disease. I don’t have it like you, not buzzing every 10 minutes, but just now and then whenever the ms wants to. I’ve never once discussed it with a dr. I never even dreamed of how to bring it up. LOL

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    • Hi Appletonavenue! I’m so happy you enjoyed my post! πŸ™‚ So sorry you have the Buzz Muff too. I know how difficult MS can be on one’s body (a girlfriend’s mom had MS.) Involuntary buzz muff is not as fun as everyone thinks. If you do ever bring it up to your doctor, just use my very scientific terminology. “Hey doc, I gots the Buzz Muff. Know why??” And then laugh as their jaw drops. It makes it less horrifying to discuss! πŸ˜‰

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  11. I was thinking it was due to a ‘Brazilian’ gone awry – but that would probably have been obvious to you. People get sudden twitches all the time. Sounds odd – but who knows. I think we’re all just jealous. Find out how it happened and tell us all how to get it. LOL

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    • You cracked me up! Lordy…trust me, this is not a twitch you want. Maybe if it was an on-demand twitch. Like TiVo for one’s muff? That would work! πŸ˜‰ You know, I hadn’t even made the Brazilian connection when I wrote the post. I guess the thought of one is so horrific I’ve banned the fact that they exist from my brain. πŸ˜‰

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    • I LOVE your word “glorious!” I’m so tickled!!! πŸ™‚ I’m so happy that your trip to England did not give you the Buzz Muff! It’s only entertaining when it happens to someone else. Well, that’s not entirely true. I still laugh when I think about it. I joked with my mom, “No one on earth but me could get the buzz muff!” She agreed wholeheartedly. πŸ˜‰

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  12. So, as a dude, Would I be in danger of the Buzz Balls? Sounds annoying to be sure, but then, I’m a guy and applying pressure in pubic…er, public, is not really an embarrassment. If bees buzz and produce wax and honey…nevermind, I’m leaving now.

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    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it!! Nothing like being hung up with a busted leg. Total SUCK!!! I hope your leg feels better. It’s funny, I like to do nothing more than sit around and do nothing. But when I’m forced to sit around and do nothing due to medical things, all I wanna do is get up and do everything. Damn that grass and it’s green-ness on the other side! πŸ˜‰

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  13. At first I thought it was a bee/wasp. Not a good place to get stung! That would have caused some serious buzz pain. Come to think of it I think I have had buzzing after a flight too. It must be those blasted seats and little ability to move on the plane. My flights are always a minimum of 18 hours and then another flight on top of that. Anyway, here is the question, can buzz muff be covered under workers comp? I’d love to see a fight for that one! lol.

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    • OUUUUUCH!!! That would be an AWFUL place to get stung. 18 hours? Wait, did I read that correctly? 18 hours. Kill me. I’d need IV sedation to be on a plane for 18 hours. Your question made me bust out laughing. Can you IMAGINE??? Ummm…HR person at my company, I’ve got the Buzz Muff and it’s the company’s fault. I’d like some money please. NOW! That scenario is riotously funny!! πŸ™‚

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      • Yes, 18 hours (I think that includes running from the first to the second plane and I do mean running. I cannot recall now). If I add total travel from one door to the other (including three planes) it is about 36 hours of travel. My parents came over recently and I don’t think they will ever do it again! Now they know why I look like heck when I get to their place. There have been a few times I have really wanted to run across the tops of the seats in the plane just to get out I was so stressed by the end.

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      • Oh my gosh!! You are such a trooper!!! I don’t know that I could do that kind of flying. I would really have to be sedated!! 3 hours is about as long as I can stand. When it gets to 5 and 6 hours, it’s sleeping pill time for me! You are a saint. πŸ™‚

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  14. That’s hilarious! I love that there is now a name for that. I haven’t pinched a nerve, but sometimes I get a mild case of The Buzz Muff for a few seconds. It’s usually when I really have to pee, or I’m nervous.

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  15. I have no idea! All I know is I was good until you said “I’m going to rip it off an throw it in the ocean”. Then I cracked up for 20 minutes straight!!!

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  16. I needed that good laugh today….or should I say I LMTO! I had to share that with my friends! Can’t wait to read more!

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  17. I’ll join the fray saying this is hilarious. It reminds me of a Wanda Sykes standup about her twat twitches. I laughed & peed & peed & laughed that night…so, to be compared, on my comic meter anyway, is high praise.
    I have sporadic muscle spasms from my head to my toes (not all at the same time), but I can’t claim a muff buzz. Boob buzz was the most awkward though. And let me just say that I did grab and rub. In a public place. And I was NOT apologetic…something feeling me up in a church, I am not ignoring it. Vaginismus – sorta sounds like the holidays? Don’t ya think πŸ˜‰

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    • Boob Buzz??? Awwww…man, that sucks!!!! I’m all for public boob rubbing! πŸ˜‰ If men can scratch their balls in public without so much as blinking an eye, why can’t we mush our boobs? “Vaginismus” is one of the funniest words ever!!! You are such a hoot. πŸ™‚ And thanks for the comedic props! I love Wanda Sykes, so you just made my day!

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  18. So funny! That reminded me of that movie with Kathryn Heigel and the vibrating underwear when the kid is controlling the remote somewhere across the restaurant. Hilarious! It must have been terrible for you though. But great story for writing!

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  19. It’s happened to me before too, off to one side like a couple of others commented. I dismissed it mostly, figuring it was something akin to a foot falling asleep. Not that it didn’t irritate the crap out of me. It’s most uncomfortable to be sure. Thankfully mine didn’t last long, I don’t even remember trying to do anything other than ignore it until it stopped. And I’ve NEVER thought to tell anyone about it. LOL I cannot IMAGINE having it buzzing off and on like that. What an experience! Thanks for the laughs.

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    • You poor thing!! While I feel bad that you’ve had it too, I feel SO MUCH MORE NORMAL now that I know I’m not the only one!!!! πŸ™‚ Believe me, I stunned myself when I wrote a post about it. I was in a particularly feisty mood and after I hit Publish, I thought, “What in the hell did you just do???” But then I laughed and thought, “Screw it. It’ll make people laugh.” That non-filtered mouth of mine is going to land me in trouble on of these days! πŸ˜‰

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    • Hey there, doll! Yes. I had me the Buzz Muff. DISTURBING!!! πŸ™‚ That would be a funny short film. Buzz Muff Girl. I’ll make a million dollars! πŸ™‚ Glad you enjoyed my nether region issues. πŸ™‚

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  20. I wonder if you could file for disability for PTBMD, post traumatic buzzed muffin disorder? Would work men’s comp cover it since the travel was work related? I would say file a complaint with the airlines, but they don’t care if they lose your luggage so I’m pretty sure a buzzes muff rates even lower. But now I’m curious about the women that “forget” about muff buzzers. It’s one thing to misplace your keys or search for the eyeglasses that you are already wearing (I do that a lot), but to forget about a muff buzzer already in place??? I would be concerned. Great post laughed my muff off!!

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    • Hi goddessofglitter! I’m with you–how does one FORGET that they have a lady buzzer in-place??? Good grief. I understand being distracted, but with that??? As for worker’s comp, can you imagine that phone call? “Ummm…I gots me the buzz muff and would like to follow a claim.” THAT would be a riot!! πŸ™‚

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  21. Today, while visiting on the front porch with my neighbor, Dee, I told her this story. We were both laughing so hard that a neighbor came out to see what all the commotion was about. πŸ™‚

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  22. It’s extra strange because the timing was so consistent. I sometimes feel the phone ringing in my pocket. A phantom buzz from something so familiar and frequent. Could the muff had been phantom buzzing from something familiar from frequent use? πŸ™‚ RELATED: I hope that with your cure that you could resume your “home from trip” sex routine! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

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    • Well, hey there cutie! πŸ™‚ How the heck are you? πŸ™‚

      I only wish the buzzing had been from something familiar and frequently used! πŸ˜‰ I’m such a naughty broad.

      Big hug to you, my friend! XOXO

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