Jun 19 2012

Even I Was Stunned! Do You Know How Hard It Is To Stun Me??

First be warned: This post is NOT for the faint at heart. If you are delicate, run screaming for the hills and do NOT read this. Okay, disclaimer done.

I gotta tell you, I’ve never in my life heard so many insane things within the span of one hour in my entire life. NEVER!! And I’m one of those people who other people tell everything to, but this adventure was sheer maddness!

After looking down at my toes (furry as they are) and shivering from their lack of pedicure-love, I realized I had two options: Get a pedicure or cut my feet off and dump them in a ditch. I opted for the least painful of the options.

I have a great place that gives amazing pedicures, so off I go. The place was packed. People everywhere. I finally got snuggled into my massage chair, put my feet in the warm, lavender-scented, bubbling water, put my spectacles on top of my head, closed my eyes, rolled off into a place of bliss, and then heard, “Damn, this flare up is the worst ever. I have to pee in a tub of warm water.”  Ummm…okay. I’m sure the herps is just a horrible thing to have and God bless people who’ve been unlucky enough to get it, but must we hear about it at the pedicurist?? I mean, I have very little filter,  but good grief! That is NO filter. At all. It wasn’t like she even whispered it. She was telling the pedicurist in a regular, conversational tone. I tried SO hard not to look over at her (or at her muff), which was incredibly difficult as my curiosity was KILLING me. If I was a cat, I’d be dead.

Alas, the story by no means ends there. In order for this to not be a 4000 word tome, I’m going to give you a list of things I was privy to while getting my feet buffed, waxed, scraped, razor-bladed, perfumed and painted.

From a guy across from me, talking to his pedicurist. Approximate age: 25.

  1. I’m not gay. I just like getting pedicures.
  2. (10 minutes later) I know I kinda look gay, but really I’m not.
  3. (30 seconds later) Well…except for that one time… but one time doesn’t make you gay.  (No, I am not shitting you. I about spit the gum outta my mouth laughing.)

From a chick next to the guy, talking on the phone. Approximate age: 40.

  1. Yeah, it finally happened last night and it hurt like hell.
  2. I didn’t think he was ever going to get in there.
  3. Did someone sew me closed and not tell me?
  4. There was blood all over the place.
  5. Then I told him to get out.

I can only begin to imagine that she was discussing losing her virginity? She seemed a bit up in the years for that, but what in the hell else could it be? I love how she told him to “get out” afterwards. I guess he served his purpose! 😉 Good Lord…

From the chick next to me, on my right, talking to the chick she came in with. Approximate age: 30

  1. I am NEVER having a baby again. NEVER!
  2. That man has no idea what it’s done to my…(we’re going to pretend she said something ladylike, like “muff” or “hoo-ha”, alas, she did not.)
  3. I guess he’ll find out soon enough. Ha ha!
  4. I need to get back to my plastic surgeon. I can’t live my life like this. This sucks.
  5. Well, I already got my eyes, boobs, stomach and nose done. Why not there too? (Seriously, kill me. The picture in my head is more than I can bear!! 🙂 )

Needless to say, the next time I get a pedicure I’m either going to bring earplugs or a tape recorder. I’ve never heard so many genital-related conversations in my life! It was worse than a trip to the gyno!

 

Image (without text) procured from: http://fearfuldogs.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/woman-freaked.jpg

102 comments on “Even I Was Stunned! Do You Know How Hard It Is To Stun Me??”

  9. Whiskey – Tango – Foxtrot! The gay/not gay guy was the best… Getting a pedi no less. Can’t comment further. I can’t believe people act like that in public, thank God I married a lady.

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    • The gay/not-gay guy was cracking me up!!! You should have seen him. He looked like a 90s boy band throwback. It was a riot! I wanted to go over to him and reassure him that it’s okay to be gay. Alas, I didn’t want to prematurely out him more than he’d outted himself. 😉

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  10. Wow…just wow. This is yet ANOTHER short film idea. In fact, I might have to write something up. The gay/not gay guy is killing me!!! The herpes woman is scaring in the direction of getting into a relationship and out of the dating pool!!! The bleeding hostess is…uh…I don’t even know.

    Feel like comin to Cali to shoot?? 🙂

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    • Oh my God, how fun would THAT be!?!?! Some of these could be GREAT film shorts! 🙂 My life, a comedy of horrors!!! 😉 The gay guy was AWESOME! I loved him. Yeah, from herpes, to homosexuality, to some kind of bloody sex to vaginal damage from childbirth? Good God have mercy. It was INSANITY!!! We could do a great skit. 🙂

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  11. OMG!! I read this to my wife sitting near me, we were both shocked and laughing! Nasty people these days, they need to find some manners aye? Did they get that “weird” toe you mentioned in another post fixed up sweet? hehe…

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    • My weird toe needs a toe transplant to ever not be weird again! 😉

      So glad to give you and the wifey a chuckle! 😉 I was HORRIFIED!!! I mean, goodness knows I say just about everything that pops into my brain, but in the “real” world there is a time and place. Good grief. 😉 Never a dull moment, my friend. 🙂

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  12. I think it’s hilarious that right after the gay guy was the anal comment, and then right after the anal woman mentioned getting sewn up, there was a woman who wanted to get something else sewn up. Like it was different aspects of the same conversation. Or any of the comments could have been said by any of the three people.

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  13. Nooooo, too funny. How tempting would it be to “share” something, anything. I have a friend who has related (privately) some great TMI stories (I’m waiting for the book, tv series) I could have cannabalised for the occasion… “you won’t believe what happened what he had on his…” 🙂

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    • TMI stories are the best! They are just waiting for their time on Saturday Night Live. I bet I’d love your friend. 🙂 I’m telling you, real life is so much better than any imagination! 🙂 These people were freaking nuts! 😉

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  17. this is quite horrifying and oddly enough..interesting. Lord what a fishbowl you plunged yourself into while getting a pedicure.

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  18. After laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants I had 2 wishes:
    1) that I could handle people touching my feet so I could get a pedi (people touching my feet currently makes me wanna crawl outta my skin)
    2) that I could have been there so you had someone to look at with the “are you f—ing hearing this??” face.

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    • Oh, if only you’d been there as my partner in crime!! The fun we would have had!!! 🙂 I totally needed someone to gawp at with a WTF face!! 🙂 As for your footie issues…you don’t like pedicures or foot massage? Oh my God. I’d give up sex for a one hour foot massage everyday. Okay, I wouldn’t give up sex. But it’d be a toss up! 😉 KIDDING! Does it tickle or just gross you out? Poor little tooties! 🙂

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    • Yeah, it certain was fodder for entertainment, but it was equally as shocking! 🙂 I guess it was better than being bored, much better than being around mean people and a hell of a lot better than having my foot run over by a car. So, really, I can’t complain. 🙂

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  20. Are you sure you weren’t being punked? Aston wasn’t sitting pretty on one of those massage chairs? Dear Lord–stay away from that place or sterilize your seat before you sit.

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  21. Always a good read. Cheers! As a social worker, I am not sure how I would have reacted. At 46, In had my first pedicure, and I am most definitely Gay. Based on that experience, and after reading this, I am wondering if I could have a booth of my own. I could teach boundaries, and work with confused or curious men (they seem comfortable asking me just about anything, including how to be better for their female partners). I would also let guys know about the work of Dr. Joe Kort: http://www.joekort.com

    P.S.: I ate a taco, today. Could I be straight?

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  22. Eww. The things you hear in a pedicurist is worse than that of a hairdresser. Fancy the woman talking about what a baby did to her badly packed kebab so loudly. Surely she must have realised that what she said would only have made her seem like a bitch.

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  23. Oh my gosh this is just to funny! I might have to wonder out and go get my first pedicure sometime in hopes of having a great laugh!

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  26. This made me laugh out loud. And it kind of makes me want to go get a pedicure, just in hopes of more incredulous laughs. Thanks.

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  28. taking my innocent young daughter with me for a joint mani/pedi this Saturday. I doubt we’ll hear anything half as interesting….The place is kinda…you know. Lots of older matrons and only one manicurist. But my stylist does a rockin’ cut. (Not in my pic below– that’s ooooold)

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  29. Fantastic! The joy of beauty parlors! This post made me chuckle a lot and has inspired me too. I am often at places where I can’t help but ‘over hear’ what conversations people are having. I have often left places chuckling to myself, I will try to remember to share next time! Thank you. 🙂

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    • I love the idea of helping inspire your, “You’ll NEVER believe what I heard at the salon” posts. 😉 Honest to goodness, between the salon, Walmart and Starbucks, life is never boring! I’m happy you enjoyed it! 😉

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  31. Whee don’t like piggy pedicures because whee pretend to be in agony before Mummy has even got the clippers. She sometimes gets the vet to do them but even there whee don’t overhear things like that.

    Occassionally they mention an embarrassing problem and you find all the animals peeking out of their boxes to try to see who the unfortunate pet is!

    Whee hope you get hoomans with less cringy problems next time. Though in a way we don’t because our Mummy loves reading your reactions to them!

    Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo & Buddy
    xxxx

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    • Hi Nibbles, Nutty, Bingo & Buddy!

      Our names are BooBoo, Princess, Moopy and Fuzzybutt and we agree with you. We didn’t (BooBoo and Princess) and don’t (Moopy and Fuzzybutt) like it when Mommy would come at us with clippers. We showed it by helping remove skin off Mommy’s arms. Apparently, she didn’t like that, so no more clippers for us! 🙂

      Tell your Mummy that our Mommy likes her and the furries very much. 🙂

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  33. I love how society has changed so that we perceive privacy in public places. People walk around with bluetooth headsets saying the damndest things and act like the people around them should stay out of there conversation. I guess “back in the day” everyone was wary of what they shouted out in public because word had a way of getting around in social circles or small towns. Now as cities get bigger and bigger there is that feeling of anonymity, like you are just a cog in the machine, and that you won’t ever see these other cogs again, and if you did what would it matter. As the sense of community fades, our filters falter because no one will call us out when we are only doing (or saying) moderately stupid things.

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    • Preach on, sister!!! I grew up in a small town and the worst thing in the world was to be on the grapevine. No one seems to mind so much anymore. It’s like everyone is an exhibitionist! 😉 At least it makes for entertaining blogging. 🙂

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    • DYING laughing! 🙂 You should go!! It’s insane the crap you’ll overhear. Especially if you go on a late Saturday afternoon where all the girls are getting ready for date night. Good lord have mercy!! 😉

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  37. Ok, I am so laughing out loud at this! The other day I was having my nails done and my manicurist (a young gay male) starting talking about his desire for a pro basketball player! ANY pro ball player at that and how he just wanted to have one cause they were this and that and had money and on and on and on. It was the craziest conversation! I finally asked him what his boyfriend thought of that and he said, “Oh girl, he’s fine with it. He knows I’d still take care of him!” Now I am thinking that before I sit down at the salon, I need to sanitize the chair with the kinds of conversations you heard! Ewww…..oh and I am so one of those “you are not touching my feet” kinda girls!

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    • You crack me up too!!! The conversation you overheard would have had me in stitches! I love that you asked him what his boyfriend would say. That is awesome! 😉 Like you, I am bringing Lysol to my next pedicure. I’m gonna spray down EVERYTHING! 😉

      I do have a quick question…how do you go through life without pedicures??? I LOVE it when people touch my feet. If I could pay more to sit there for HOURS and have them play with my feet, I so would!! 🙂 Are you ticklish? Or do you just find it gross? I think we need immersion therapy for you so you can become a pedicure lover. 😉

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      • How do I go through life without pedicures??? BAHAHAHA……while I am ticklish, that really is not the reason. I just don’t really like the idea of someone else messing with my feet, trimming my toenails, etc. I mean what if I have icky toenails from hell that the techs talk about after I leave? You KNOW they talk about gnarly feet! I trim my own nails and NEVER leave the house with unpainted toenails. Period. 🙂

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      • You crack me up!!!! Trust me, pedicurists have seen it ALL!! I’ve no doubt that your feet are better than 90% of the feet they see. 🙂 Though the idea of them saying, after you’ve left, “OMG! Did you see those hooves!? How can that girl go in public with feet like that?” makes me giggle myself silly. 😉

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  39. OMG you luck out on the that day with a lot of people speaking without filters. I’ve had not for public consumption conversation in public, but damn these put their shit all on blast. Perhaps that lady was anal virgin cause I am pretty sure that even 13 year olds know that your first time hurts and if you know this why the hell would she be surprised and upset, but if she was new to anal and she or he didn’t prep the area or lub up enough shit could get real for her real FN quick. Totally would have been kick out worthy if that happened.

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