Jul 26 2012

I love ranting yes I do, doo dah, doo dah. I love ranting yes I do, all the doo dah day!

I’m hoping you sang along with me as you read the title of this blog. I think a old timey, out of tune song now and again is a good thing. Of course, my cats ran away shrieking at the sound of my rather off key voice! BRATS! No more food for them, ungrateful mongrels!

So, while I indulged my brain in a nice computer-free vacation, I got to relax around the TV set. I hate to admit it, but I do love my boob tube. Man, were there a lot of boobs to look at (both boob-boobs and intellectual boobs).

While lazing about the house and putting a permanent ass-dent in the sofa I noticed a few rather irksome things in my trash TV. Things that got my editor brain aching with pain. Things that got my innate dislike of The Man all riled up. So, I thought I’d share.

Here are two things that made me pause the TV every time they happened (constantly) and say to my husband, “What the fuck? People are stupid and corporations can eat me. Ugh!” He’d chuckle, pat my head, and turn right back to his video games. He’s so patient. 😉

ONE: What ever happened to the “LY” on the end of an adverb? Did I miss a memo that said that people no longer had to use LY? Is it sooooo difficult and time consuming to speak with even a modicum of intelligence anymore? Apparently, the answer to that question is yes. Now, don’t get me wrong–I have typos sometimes. I’m sure I say things incorrectly. I’m no saint and even might be a slight hypocrite, but if you are going to be on TV can you at least attempt to speak somewhat properly?

Here are some examples:

  1. “Wow, you performed beautiful.”  Doesn’t that just sound wrong coming out of your mouth? Doesn’t your brain register that something is missing?
  2. “You did that careful.” NO! He did it carefulLY!
  3. “I waited patient. He took forever.” No You Di’int. (Typo intentional. 😉 )
  4. “He spoke so arrogant.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t use big words if you don’t know how to use them proper.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My internet connection just went down and I lost the last half of this damn post. SHIIIIIIIIT POOP ASSFACE %$#^$%%!!! This sucks!!!!  Someone please find the owner of Cox and kill him. Please? Well dang. It took forever to write and now it’s gone. Okay, it’s never as good the second time I write something, so expect this to suck. 😉

TWO: As if television shows aren’t challenged enough in maintaining my suspension of disbelief, do they really not think it completely goes away when they insert a commercial into the script of a show? I’m not talking about regular commercials. I mean actually written into the script. Argh! The moment they do it, I’m no longer involved in the story because they are rudely (LOOK! an LY!) reminding me that the entire purpose of the TV show is not to entertain, but to make money. I know that in part of my brain, but I like to at least have them fake it for me by not shoving products down my throat with scripted dialog.

  1. Rizzoli and Isles, corpse cutter interacting with meddling mom. The mom is about to wear high heels for the first time in years and the friendly body chopper has the solution to her impending foot pain. “I have a solution for you. Use these Dr. Sholl’s shoe inserts. You’ll be able to wear you shoes all day and be comfortable. Dr. Sholl’s make your feet happy.”
  2. 90210 (SHUT IT! I know…I should be ashamed.) Pretty blonde girl talking to pretty brunette girl as they get ready to go out on the town. Pretty brunette girl, “Wow, you always look so great.” Pretty blonde girl, “I know. It’s because I use Rimmel mascara. It makes my lashes long and lush and my legs pliable and gappy. You should go buy some. Rimmel is amazing.”
  3. Bones, yet another corpse cutter (do I have a thing for corpses??) talking with Mr. Tough Guy FBI Dude. They are driving somewhere in the car and she’s concerned about finding the location. Luckily for them, they have… “This great GPS system that will help us find any location. With my in-dash TomTom, we can get anywhere quickly and easily. TomTom even gives blowjobs, so I no longer need you. Now GET OUT!”

Okay, so there was some SLIGHT embellishment there, but you get the point. As soon as one of those in-script commercials happens, it take me 5 minutes to get back into the show. Now, I understand that with the invention of the DVR that we are no longer forced to watch regular commercials which compel us to eat McDonalds (mmmm…fillet o’fish!), suck on Dilly Bars (mmmmm…ice milk…), buy fancy cars (mmmmm…Hyundai. Oh, that one’s not so great), or go on those dream vacations we cannot afford (vacation? yeah, right). But to actually write them into the script? C’mon people!

We’ve all endured product placement for decades and decades. All you have to do is watch last week’s True Blood to see a group of illiterate murders sitting around a HUGE 12 pack of Old Milwaukee (seriously? Old Milwaukee?) prominently displayed on an end table to know that some CEO at “Flat Piss Beers R US” paid a million dollars to hawk his wares at us. And that’s bad enough. But do I need to see one of our IQ-challenged murderers pick up the 12 pack and say directly into the camera, “Drink Old Milwaukee. Chicks will give you hummers if you do. And it cures male patterned baldness too.” No. I don’t not need to see that. At least TB didn’t stoop that low.

Well, that’s my rant. I had a really good concluding paragraph earlier before my Internet crashed and since I just cannot come up with anything half as witty as what I had written before I’m not even going to try. 😉

Oh, I AM going to post a HORRIBLY (see, LY again!) inappropriate picture to go along with the first part of this post. I mean, it has language in it that make the F-word look like child’s play. It is AWFUL and you should NOT read it if you don’t like terrible cuss words. I mean it. Don’t give me any guff for this picture because I know it’s foul. My sister sent it to me a while back (she’s a language freak like I am) and I laughed until I thought I’d die. But I like horrible language, especially when it’s done in a clever fashion, so prepare yourselves before you read it. I’m not going to put it in this post because I want to put a HUGE warning in the title so innocent people don’t read it and get all offended. But I sure hope you guys like it! 😉 Peace out.

59 comments on “I love ranting yes I do, doo dah, doo dah. I love ranting yes I do, all the doo dah day!”

  1. Hi,

    You write good stuff up here, so please keep penning and keep inspiring! 🙂

    I would like to thank you for following my blog. I hope my blog doesn’t disappoint you and that your visits in my blog have been and will always be a joyful ride.

    Thank you again and I wish you a lovely day! 🙂

    Subhan Zein

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    • Hey there! Good for you! Some lessons are worth being taught! 🙂 Ooohhh… a willing participant in my debauchery! 🙂 Yay! I’m going to post it tomorrow. Build up a little excitement. I’m mean like that. 🙂

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  3. Love it! I’ve been watching Days Of Our Lives for almost 20 years now ( I’m 37) and I HATED when they did product placement a few years ago. It wasn’t as bad as what you said, more like mid-proposal the camera would focus on the ring in the box, and the retailer was clearly marked. The camera would stay there longer than neccasary too. I would always think “Um, your the major crime boss of the town, you can’t afford a ring better than….”

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    • You are so funny! A poor major crime boss. That’s just wrong.

      My mom raised me on the Young and the Restless and Guiding Light and product placement rules the airwaves in soap operas. 🙂 It drives me bonkers!!

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  4. Damn, the Interwebs missed you. Some observations:

    1. I’ve been saying for YEARS that the rise of the DVR and commercial skipping was going to have an ill effect. I mean, those actors, writers, crew…they all need to get PAID so the shows have to make money. The commercials ARE the money and everyone with a DVR wants that shtuff for free.
    2. I’m glad that I have a fellow grammar freak to confide it. SeriousLY.
    3. I’d love to meet you one day and I REALLY want to meet your in house saint…I mean husband! 😉

    Awesome as always.

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    • You are far too kind. 🙂 It’s good to be back, my friend. 🙂

      Here’s my snarky responses to your snarky responses:

      1) Yes, they have to get paid and yes, I want everything for free. Oh, minus the $110 a month I pay for satellite and the $3000 the TV cost and the $28 a month I pay for Netflix, and so on and so on and so on… 😉
      2) I SO love other grammar freaks. I’m going to post a Grammar Rant graphic later (the one I warned everyone about in the post) and I’m going to horrify you with AWESOME pro-grammar filth!
      3) We, my friend, would have a blast. And you would love my house saint. He real is one. Ooops, I meant really. 😉

      XOXOXOXO

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  5. I’ve noticed on TV programs that are either live or have a panel where I have to turn to my kids (well normalLY my daughter as my son is usualLY on his computer or XBOX) where the grammar of the host sucks diarrhoea through sweaty socks. Either Farrah or myself correct the host. I’ve noticed that just about everyone who has commented has done what I intended to do which is to add a capital LY to anything with it in 😉

    As for the TV programs with advertising – they suck puss-filled-fish-sperm through dirty knickers. I have seen the Bones with Tom-Tom where Brennan mentions it five or six times on one journey. Holding cans of coke or alcohol (hic!) is irritating as it is being plastered into our faces. Can’t remember the program, bit one person was admiring someone else’s glasses and they mentioned that they got them from SpecSavers. Another – “Have you got anything to eat?” “I’ve just got some petit-filous” “Oooh I realLY like petit-filous”

    As for your internet connection, I was creating a page on my blog yesterday which is for all the blogs I follow. I was listing them all alphabeticalLY and saved the draft. Or attempted to. After five minutes a message came up asking if I wanted to reload later. GRRAARRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! Ten minutes of writing wasted. Some of those blogs had realLY weird names too.

    DefiniteLY good to have you back though 🙂

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    • Hello doll! You used an LY! Thank you. We can still be friends now. 😉

      Your wonderful string of filth in describing people was simply brilliant. I laughed until my stomach hurt! “They suck puss-filled fish sperm through dirty knickers.” LOVE IT! Why is it that you Brits can make something that foul sound so damn funny just by throwing “knickers” on the end of it? It’s so not fair. 🙂

      You and I both suffered at the hands of angry Internet gods. DAMMIT! That SOOOOOO sucks! I feel your pain my friend. Also, very good to be back–though the vacation was amazingLY relaxing. 🙂

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      • Still suffering from the internet pykies today 😦 I wonder if mine is my ISP capping me for downloading an 11gb game in the last couple of days? Pain in the ass as it didn’t work anyway 😦

        Glad you liked the knickers ;-D

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            • Oh yeah, the hubby has that one. I got it for him as a “You’re (not your) a great hubby present.” 🙂 He may also have Revenge of the Naughty Cheerleaders, but if he does he gallantly keeps it to himself! 😉

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              • Grrrrr. I had written a response, and when I clicked repLY the internet decided to go suck prune juice from a hobo’s sweaty armpit 😦

                What I had said, was that your mention of Revenge of the Naughty Cheerleaders reminded me of something that happened recentLY that kept my mind in the gutter.

                I was going into a shop, and this young girl (twenty-something) was calling to someone else in the back and she said “I can’t come here any more” My immediate thought (and that’s where it stayed thankfulLY) was “I can help with that” lol

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    • My dear, you haven’t seen the naughty one yet. I’m going to post it shortly and it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO vulgar!!! Seriously, I’m sure it will offend tons of people, which is why I have to put such a big disclaimer on it. No one should read it if they don’t enjoy filth. 😉 It is well-done filth though, if that helps at all.

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    • HA!!!! With TomTom’s special skills, it’s not surprising1 😉 I’m addicted to both my Netflix and my Kindle. How did I live before computers? Well, probably much less stressfully (that is not a word, but I don’t care). 😉

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  10. Great as always, despite having to rewrite your second half. {{That sucks. 😦 Doesn’t WP save auto drafts? 😦 I usually write on Word anyway just in case.}} I agree with your rants! People just can’t talk anymore. And OH-EM-GEE advertising within the script, it’s so so lame! Cuz in real life, people totally talk like that, lol. Can’t wait for the horribly inappropriate picture!

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  11. LOL, get out of my head!! I watch many of those shows. The Rizzoli & Isles shoe insert thing was the most ridiculous placement ever. They already do the fake Rizzoli & Isles insert commercials. I also caught the Bones GPS one, but totally didn’t notice the True Blood placement, because I was too pissed about Hoyt turning out to be a completely stupid character. This whole season of True Blood has been disappointing, but that’s another subject.

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    • Honest to God, I think the Rizzoli one was just about the worst thing ever. I wanted to jump through the TV and wring her neck. 😉 As for True Blood–WTF is up with Hoyt??? That sucked. And I agree about this season. My sister and I were just discussing it and I told her that this season has no emotional peaks and valleys. It’s all one note. I don’t find myself laughing, sighing, shrieking…I just sit and watch until it is over. They need to kill off 3/4 of the cast (WAY too many people in that show) and bring back a little heart. Then it would be so much better. Glad I’m not the only one disappointed this year.

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  14. Great points, Jodi. TV these days sucks it! Wife and I have remarked about how these actors, producers and parent companies seem to have run out of good material, so they resort to the BS we have today. My dad and I talked the other day about old Hollywood, when Hollywood had class, real style and good clean, dignified movies and actors/actresses. Consider the libtard crowd there now, this is what we get. Crap shows, crap commercials which we never wanted anyway, and now those damned built-in adverts. Gaahhh!! Be very glad you have Cox rather than our overpriced T-1 internet link out here in the corn fields, located next to Nowhere…

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    • While the T-1 would indeed suck, I miss living in the country. It’s soooooo pretty!!!! Hollywood does suck these days. I’m sure if you’d given the inventors of film and TV a brief flash of what movies and TV were going to turn into, they’d have destroyed their prototypes and we’d all still be listening to the radio. 😉

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  15. You know – I usualLY think people with such colorful language use those words to cover for their lack of cleverness, but you? Good God you are hilarious with your blue streak of profanity. I don’t know what it is, but it works for you. I can hardLY wait for your next post either.

    You’re reminding me how smart I was to chuck cable tv or whatever the current version is called. We’re snooty PBS watchers almost exclusiveLY now.

    Have a fabulousLY great weekend, Jodi.

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    • Dang…that was very sweet. Thank you! I’m glad my somewhat naughty mouth didn’t horrify. Trust me though, you do not want to read the graphic I’m about to post about grammar. If you aren’t big on 4-letter words, might I suggest running away from my blog for the next few days. I about passed out laughing the first time I read the Grammar Rant I’m about to post, but it is not for people who don’t revel in naughty language. BEWARE! 🙂

      Oh, and being a snooty PBS watcher is awesome. My hubby likes PBS and NPR. He’d banish the TV from the house were it not for me. You have yourself a wonderfulLY delightful weekend too!

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    • Why thank you, dear!! My next post should just be:
      LYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLY
      LYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLY
      LYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLYLY

      So THERE TV PEOPLE!

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  19. You are kidding aren’t you trying to tell us that you like to rant, isn’t that what I do…………no you are right I don’t rant I ramble so I apoligize you rant and I ramble………………..now what do I have to say about this rant well I think you are wrong…………………..ok I don’t think you are wrong about stuff but had you going didn’t I, ok maybe not but damn my grandson just rang and made me forget what I was writting
    http://jo-annemotherandnanna.blogspot.com.au/

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    • Oh good grief you make me laugh out loud!!! 🙂 Interrupting grandchildren is why I only have cats, hamsters and chickens. I’m intellectually challenged enough. Distractions leave me befuddled. And I love your ramble-rants! 🙂 Simply perfecto!

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  20. Jodi, have football (soccer) pundits on TV that are completely oblivious to adverbs. In fact, during the World Cup only one pundit managed to use one (‘he played fantastically’) and was met with instant admiration in our humble mansion.
    I don’t think I could agree with you morely. Peace. Outly.

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