Jul 27 2012

ADULT EYES ONLY! DO NOT READ THIS GRAMMAR RANT! I’m soooo not kidding. Unless you worship horribly foul 4-letter words, do not read this. It is wonderfulLY offensive and I love it, buy you should cover your eyes.

Now, I ain’t gonna want no guff here people if this offends you. I’ve warned you that you should not read this. You should smash your computer with a hammer before reading this. It is horribLY foul, chocked full of words more offensive than the F-word. It is so bad that no one should read it and the person who wrote it should be set on fire. Alas, I LOVE IT! But I don’t offend easiLY, so that’s not much of a surprise.

ShockingLY enough, my sister sent this to me about a year ago. I’ve debated putting it here but I just have to. I’m compelled. I cannot resist. 🙂

If you dislike bad grammar and you love a well-placed expletive, then you’ll probabLY enjoy this. If you don’t like those things, DO NOT READ IT!! 😉

(Okay, I just Previewed the post before publishing it and it REALLY is bad!! Just giving you fair warning.)

Scroll way down to see the graphic. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

128 comments on “ADULT EYES ONLY! DO NOT READ THIS GRAMMAR RANT! I’m soooo not kidding. Unless you worship horribly foul 4-letter words, do not read this. It is wonderfulLY offensive and I love it, buy you should cover your eyes.”

  2. I love it, except for the big omission. I have an internal rant that would make this seem like a Disney special when people write the word “loose” when they’re meaning to say “loser”. Worse is when they try to insult someone by calling them a “looser”. ARG….I have to go before I go off!

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    • I would pay you $5 to hear your rant!!! 🙂 Okay, I’m poor. Maybe 5 cents? But it would be worth $5,000,000! The Loose vs. Lose and Choose vs Chose drive me insane too!

      As for people who call others loosers, it just goes to show that you always have to consider the source. How offended should I realLY be if an illiterate thinks I’m a LOOSER? Ha! 😉

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      • I remember being offended because someone called a woman a “looser” online somewhere. I originally thought he trying to be clever and calling her “one with loose morals”. I gave WAY too much credit.

        I can’t publish my rants as I still have designs on elected office under a 3rd party. 🙂

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      • OOOhhhh…that won burrns mi but two. KIDDING!!! Yeah, that one is annoying as hell. One that gets me too, though I hear it rather than see it written, is when traffic reporters call the thing that divides a road a “medium” rather than a “median.” Makes me want to launch a rocket at their helicopter. 😉 JOKING!! Sort of… 🙂

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    • I about pissed myself too!!! It’s so wonderful that you guys are cool and enjoy well-placed naughty words! 😉 I go nuts when people can’t take the time to at least attempt proper English. I know I’m old and a former English teacher and that kids nowadays likely think I’m a stuffy old hen, but using actual words is so lovely and makes reading stuff so much easier!! The only time I ever (and still rarely) use abbreviations in texts is if I’m at a traffic light and only have a moment before the light turns green. I don’t text while the car is in motion, so I may only have 10 seconds. But even then it about kills me to do it. 😉

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  5. I so fucking want to print this out and make some fucking copies for my _________ students! I imagined this being read by a really pissed off Samuel L. Fucking Jackson. And in addition to the morons who don’t know the difference between “lose” and “loose”, are the morons who say this: “there once was a women.” No one knows that there is a fucking singular “woman” anymore. Aaargh! Thank you for letting me run my potty mouth. My favorite word is shit, though, as in “oh, the fuckity fuck fuck shit!”. My students would be horrified to know that I know and USE those words.

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    • Oh my God, I am DYING reading your comment!!! You are soooooo funny!!!! I told my hubby that if I could find a high resolution copy of the Grammar Rant that I’d print it and hang it in the house. I makes me laugh every time I read it. The thought of Samuel L. Fucking Jackson reading it is simply perfection! You hit the nail on the head with that! 🙂

      As for your students, how old are they again? When I was teaching high school I slipped one time and said, “fuck.” My kids loved me even more after that. Of course now you’d be sued until you were penniless and thrown in jail. I’m so glad I taught back in the day where you could serve it up to your students without fear of prison rape. 😉

      One of my favorite expressions is, “Fuck you, you fucking fuckers.” I like it so much I designed a custom make-up bag that says that next to a picture of a skull and crossbones. Whenever I’m pissed off and out about town with my purse, I read it and it makes me laugh. I love me a good 4-letter word. 🙂

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      • I think I am going to print out a copy and keep it safely folded in a file drawer. This term I have juniors and seniors. They think they’re grown ups and try to sneak in some f-bombs during Socratic Seminar. They think they are. Just. So. Cool. Little do they know that their little teacher can swear them under the table.

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        • LOVE that idea!!! You can slip it into their backpacks the last day of school or put in on all their car windshields!! 🙂 “I didn’t do it. I don’t know what you are talking about. But if you learn something from it, I won’t cry.” 🙂

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    • You are quite welcome! 🙂 I wish (sort of) that I could take credit for penning this wonderful rant…alas, I cannot. But the person that did has my everlasting appreciation! 😉 Yes, quotation marks would have been a good addition. I think the ill-placed apostrophe is the one that bugs me the most. I go NUTS when I see a TV show, commercial or some other expensive thing that didn’t even take the time to properly edit their text. Drives me bonkers!

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  7. It took you about a year to post this? What were you thinking? That’s a whole year of people stuffing up words… You could have prevented this. Just thinking of yourself were you? Worried someone would be offended? Better they are offended by correctly spelt/spelled (I’ve put both so I cover UK/US English – notice how considerate I am?) curse words and correct grammar than the fingernails down a blackboard effect of thoughtless, ignorant errors 😉

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    • I know. I’m a selfish wretch!! 😉 I thought after yesterday’s rant, that this was perfectly fitting. And good on you for being sensitive to both American and United Kingdom readers. You are too kind. 😉

      As for fingernails and chalkboards–back when I was teaching high school English, when my kids wouldn’t shut the hell up I’d drag both sets of nails across the blackboard. It was awesomeLY effective. I never let on that it horrified me as much as it did them–it might have lost some of its power and effectiveness. 🙂

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  10. Hahha! When I read this on http://pinterest.com/pin/55521007876893191/ (I check my tweets before my mails when I get up in the mornings) I thought “Holy shit! Who has fucked Jodi off? It has to be those twats who rareLY speak or spell properLY on TV” Until I clicked and went to your (not you’re) blog. I think it is fantastic. Talk about a Grammar Stormtrooper lol. I think it definiteLY gets the point across though. I will have to remember some of these when I am reading though other peoples messages. I think the onLY people who could realLY get away with it are people who have sex daily – sorry – dyslexia

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    • You are a freaking hoot, my dear!!! I only wish I could take credit for writing it. “C-bag” is such a great word. 😉 Sorry, but it is!!!

      Sex daily vs. dyslexia. That took me a minute. I am SO incapable of anything clever when I first awake. Yep, just got out of bed 5 minutes ago. Ahhhh… the extended sleep of the childless family. 😉

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      • Haha. I can’t remember where I saw that, but it stuck in my mind 😀 Must be the “sex” bit I have a filthy mind 😉

        Which reminds me of something I thought the other day that showed that my mind is totally in the gutter.

        I went into a shop and this girl (mid twenties) was walking through and calling back to someone “I can’t come here any more” My immediate thought was “I can help with that” lol

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  11. OMG — ha! I fucking loved it! Thanks SO MUCH for sharing. I must confess: if I read a blog too full of grammatical errors (and they don’t have a really good reason), I stop reading. I know, I know. People can have really creative ideas, but still not know their grammar. Well, too bad. LEARN IT. :>

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    • I’m so glad you liked it! I’ve read it 20 times and it still makes me laugh. Like you, I just cannot read something with too many grammatical errors. It drives me crazy. The worst, for me, is a lack of punctuation. Sometimes I simply CANNOT figure out what in the bleeding hell someone is trying to say because there are no commas. It drives me bonkers!!! How hard is it to type a comma??? 🙂

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      • Seriously. Or put capitals in the right place. Or periods inside or outside of a )… depending. Oh, jeeeeez you got me started! :}

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  12. I ABSOLUTELY WITH AN ‘LY’ LOVE THISSS! I want so badLY to post this on facebook because so many people (idiots) need it! I’ve always wanted to post a rant about all those things but wasn’t sure how to do so cleverLY. This picture though, it’s (with an apostrophe) perfect! I wish it could HAVE addressed the “could/would/should of” nonsense. People, meet the contraction COULD’VE; contraction, meet retard.

    Before this turns into my own rant, I’ll stop here. Love it! You made the right choice posting this. 😀

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    • Yay!!! “With an LY” is my favorite thing!!! 🙂 You should totally put it on Facebook! I put a link to my blog posting on FB so people could get to it that way. This cracked me up: “People, meet the contraction COULD’VE; contraction, meet retard.” DIED laughing!!! 🙂 Really glad you liked it.

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      • Lol glad it made you laugh too! I’m totally gonna share on facebook. I wanted to post the image alone too but it comes out too small. Oh well. Got to spread the word on how to spell the words! Stupid people aren’t going to teach themselves. Okay, maybe I’m getting a little mean. 😉

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  13. OMG! I totally fucking loved this! 😀 Thank you so much for sharing this fucking awesome post! I fucking hate people who can’t spell shit! I become so angry! ARRGGGHHH! As in grizzly bear gonna eat you and shit you out angry. As in, great big shark gonna eat your can’t spell shit arse and spit you out up and down the coast so that all the other arseholes who can’t spell can see what happens to all those who can’t spell shit angry. (They will additionally find out what happens to all those slow swimmers.) I also fucking love fucking profanities, so right now, I am having quite possibly, the time of my fucking life.
    You are, quite simply, the best for sharing this with us! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

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    • Passing out with laughter!!!! I love your bear and shark threats. They are awesomeLY terrific!!! I too am a fan of profanities. I can’t help it. A girlfriend of mine talked me into say the word, “fuck” when I was in 6th grade (the idea was abhorrent at the time). Once it was out of my mouth once, it just kept on coming and has yet to stop! Much to my mom’s chagrin!

      Thanks for the support too. You never know how the “c-word” will make people react, so I was a bit nervous. Hence the 300 disclaimers!!! Glad to know how absoluteLY kick ass my blogging buddies are. 🙂

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  14. Geez, Jodi – the laptop exploded about halfway through this post. Good thing it was The Wife’s. You could have warned me! 🙂

    Anyway, YES. Don’t you want to hit people over the head with this? Constantly? I don’t know where the fault lies with folks’ inability to get this stuff right, but… Oy – there’s another one – lie and lay. I’ve never learned to use those properly. I guess you’ll have to hit me over the head about that one.

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    • I warned you!! 😉 You say, “bring it” and I done “brought it.” Hee hee hee… And you are right, I should have put up at least one warning. I was remiss not to do so. 😉

      As for lay and lie–that’s a tough one for me too. That and whomever vs. whoever. Both of those get me and make me look like the hypocritical arse I am! 🙂

      Glad you spared your own laptop. Shame for the wifey though. 😉

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  16. Our dialect of English is certainly not the correct one. I have always believed that the British version is the original and correct way to speak English. All of that aside, our use of this wonderful, world-wide language is taking a beating the last 20 years or so. It has changed, and not for the better. I see our sloppy public school system as being in part responsible, but also that in time, most everything changes. American English is slowly turning into a pile of shit. Ohhh boy, I could go on, best I shut up just now.

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    • I also like the fancy schmancy King’s English, though I think I cuss too much to ever make it work in real life. It does sound so nice though. 🙂 I know language is supposed to be a living, breathing, evolving thing and that it has to be that in order to survive (think Latin) but the way it’s been murdered in the last 15 years is just too much, too fast. Ugh!

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  17. Haha, awesome. Although just so you know, when you post your blog with an image, the image shows up on the “Blogs I Follow” page in its entirety — so I guess warning people not to read if they are underage or faint-of-heart didn’t really work out this time, since the entire thing was there for them to see!

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    • WHAT? Here I was, thinking that I was being so good about warning people. I even pushed the picture way down my post so that people who stumble across my blog would have to scroll to see it. Well, at least I tried. 🙂

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  18. Said “GQ” and left off some question marks. This proves Hotspur’s Law, which is “The chance of making a hypocritical error increases proportionately with the length and intensity of a rant about that same error.”

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  20. I just stumbled upon this. I’ve worked as an editor for a few years for newspapers and various news outlets, and it has always amazed me to see how mad some people get about bad grammar and spelling. Are grammar rules and proper spelling difficult? No. Is it like broken glass in my eyes when I see really bad mistakes? A little bit. Does it make me morally superior to the person who made the mistake? No. We all make mistakes at times and it doesn’t make someone a “fucking retard.” Just like you aren’t a “fucking retard” because you wrote the word “buy” when you meant to use “but” in the title of this post. That being said, this is pretty funny in some spots and anything that might educate more people about how to use words properly can’t be all bad.

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    • Hi Jon. I too do editing work and am an author as well. I hope you were able to glean that this was all just done in good (if not crass) fun. I openly admitted I was slightly hypocritical by posting it–I know I make mistakes (although the mistake in the name of the blog was intentional–I thought I’d thrown in some glaring hypocrisy and irony as a little joke). I make errors all the time, especially when I type quickly. It was more just a commentary on the lack of effort that some people take when writing and how that lack of effort can make a brilliant thought come across as stupid because it’s so poorly written that I cannot even figure out what is trying to be said. I’m sorry if you took slight offense–that’s why I put 300 warnings in both the title and the text of the blog.

      Have a good weekend.

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  22. Well, that was very educative 😉 I’m kind of scare to write more because English is not my mother tongue and I’m afraid of what may come out of my mouth that can piss off the author of the rant… Oh my!! 😉
    Thanks for the laughter!!
    Just to be clear, is a lot, right?

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  32. The man who taught me Latin wore a cheap wig and had a piece of shrapnel stuck in his brain from attacking the Germans on Gold Beach in 1944. It was still lodged in his grey matter all those years later and the doctors just couldn’t remove it. A number of my teachers back then were war veterans and if it affected their teaching ability no one really paid it any heed. I found out he’d been a war hero years later, but at the time I don’t think the boys knew what he’d done or cared one bit about Latin grammar, and the only thing I remember is his wig and how he was a really good-humoured individual.

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  33. Pingback: Lostnchina’s One Year Anniversary « lostnchina

  34. Well, will say that it is worded a bit strongly, but when it comes to grammar,I usually go nuts…not NUT’S…the stinking apostrophe has become epidemic.NO ONE seems to be able to make a word or name into a plural any more! I even had to correct a sign in my grandson’s school advertizing their book sale: “Donuts with Dad’s”. I poked the principal in the back and pointed it out. I am not a violent person but if I see one more mailbox that says “The Smith’s”,I may hit it with my car!

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  35. Wow! I need a cigarette after that it felt so good. I always wanted to properly express the problem … now I don’t have to. Have your sister contact the ranter and do one on Facebook ads and how slow FB runs all of a sudden. They are going to lose (loose) everyone back to MySpace soon.

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    • I’m right there with you! After that, a smoke is necessary!! 😉 As for FB, what the hell? It’s been driving me crazy how long everything takes to load recently. If you look at all the different URLs it actually goes to behind the scenes (to track stuff, I’d guess) it’s not surprising. It drives me crazy though. Glad I’m not the only one as misery loves company. 😉 Thanks so much for dropping by! Nice to meet’cha! 🙂

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    • Hi Schmush! I’m so glad you enjoyed! I love that dang rant. I laugh every time I read it. 🙂 I, like you, lose complete faith in the integrity of a newscast, advertisement, etc…when I see grammatical errors. Not saying I don’t make the occasional one myself, but I’m not being paid to make my blogs perfect like the editors at a company. Glad to meet you and thanks so much for dropping by! 🙂

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  37. ROFLMAO! (insert wicked smile here) Kudos to you for posting and to whomever wrote that– I hate bad grammar, spelling, pronunciation (one of my main faults), and language–that is, as in improper word usage. Thanks! couldn’t have said it better! (don’t look too closely at this comment–I’ve suddenly become “literally” self-conscious)

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    • You are too funny!!! I gotta be honest, I never know if it should be “whom” or “who”, or “lie” or “lay”. I’ve utterly given up on trying to remember the rules on that one! So, no worries on the who/whom. I’d not have known the difference! 😉 So happy you enjoyed the post. When my sister sent that to me last year I about passed out laughing. It was AWESOME! And as a former high school English teacher it was near and dear to my heart. 🙂 Thanks so much for dropping by. Nice to meet you! 🙂

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  39. Until I got my Kindle, I didn’t realize that “wary” and “weary” were so interchangeable but then I realized that being wary all the time can make you weary 😉

    Thanks for visiting my (very ungrammatical) blog 🙂

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    • Isn’t it crazy the words you learn about as you get older and think, “Oh my God, I’ve been saying that wrong from 20 years!”? I have the same think happen to me sometimes. Oh, and you are very welcome for the blog visit. I love finding new blogs, ungrammatical or not! 😉 Kidding! I’m no grammar saint myself–I mess up all the time! 🙂

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    • Yeah, I totally get that. There are a few things in there I’d change (like the grammatical errors of all things!) but I’m just a disperser of information in this case. 🙂 Thanks so much for dropping by. Great to meet you!

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  43. Thanks for visiting my blog! I’m following yours now because you swear a lot and post rants about grammar, and those are things I wholeheartedly support. The one grammar pet peeve of mine that the rant missed is when people don’t know how to use apostrophes or commas at all so they just sprinkle them all the fuck over the page like so much freshly ground pepper – It FIGURATIVELY (not literally – ooh, there’s another one!) makes my brain melt.

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    • You are very welcome. 🙂 So happy you enjoy all my swearing and ranting. It’s how I have my fun!! 🙂 Oh my! Commas and apostrophes (especially apostrophes) are a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Drives me INSANE!!!! 🙂

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  44. Seeing people mess up they’re/their makes me uncontrollable with rage. And today I was stood waiting at a bus stop opposite “Suzannes Dance Studio”. Suzanne didn’t just make the mistake once, she made it THREE times over the front of her stupid studio. I’m speechless right now.

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    • That kind of stuff makes my head explode. When I see it on TV it drives me even crazier. I figure it had to be initially written, then approved, then someone in graphics inputted the incorrect information, then someone else had final approval. Didn’t SOMEONE notice!!?? Good grief. 🙂

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  45. hahaha that is awesome. Gave me a good laugh. I can totally understant the frustration and humor in this post. I can’t explain how much it gets to me how people put together senteces anymore. Unsure if you watch Judge Judy but the way some of those people come into court and talk is quite shocking!! She is always having to correct their grammar. I think sometimes she just gives up when people say shit like ” I dun borrowed tha truck for a day and I aint know where it is now.” say WHAT? hahahahah I’m a new follower!

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    • Oh my God…I’m dying laughing at your example! That was hysterical. Yep, that kind of stuff drives me bonkers too. It’s not that I don’t screw up sometimes–I so do!! But I at least attempt to be fairly accurate most of the time. 🙂 Enjoy your weekend and thanks for the giggle!

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    • HUGE pet peeve of mine!! How hard is it to properly write, “I’m going to the market to buy two bagels. Oh, and I need to get cream cheese too!”? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I screw up all the time when I’m typing quickly, but I at least attempt proper English. 🙂 Glad you enjoyed!!

      PS: You know what’s funny? I put a typo in the title of the post, just to see if people would notice the intentional smartassedness (yeah, that’s not a word) and two people screamed and yelled at me for having the typo. I laughed heartily because it was me attempting to show that I’m a hypocrite and occasionally mess up too. Good grief! 😉

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  48. Thanks for following my blog. I’m going to be charitable and presume that all the run-on sentences, missing commas after appositives and after nouns of direct address were all intentional, because the piece works. That’s what I teach my kids: You have to know what the rules are before you can break them to the best effect.

    I’ll tell you what, though: Uncharacteristic of me as it is, I’ve gotten a lot more forgiving of errors like these as cell phones have gotten more common. Autocorrect really is a bitch.

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    • You are welcome for the follow! The grammar rant isn’t mine–I cannot take credit for the wonderfully ironic run-on sentences, missing commas, etc… Though they made me laugh my butt off when I first read it. I thought that whoever wrote it must either intentionally being a smart ass (and wondering if anyone would notice) or only knew enough to rant about certain things. One of the many reasons it made me chuckle. 🙂

      Autocorrect is the devil and I refuse to use it! REFUSE!! 😉 I still text (90% of the time) in grammatically correct sentences. I’m an old dinosaur!

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    • So awesomely crude! The first time I saw it I about died laughing!!! I used to be a teacher too and I bet my kids would have learned grammar at least a little better if I could have pinned that up in my room–though getting fired would have sucked. 😉

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  51. Dear, sweet baby Jesus… This is BEAUTIFUL. I want to have its babies.

    Speaking of, it really isn’t fair to unleash this kind of funny on someone that had a baby six months ago. I seriously almost peed myself. It was worth it, though. Thank you for posting it!

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    • Sooooo happy you enjoyed it! It makes me laugh every time I read it!!! 🙂 I could drop dead tomorrow knowing I have achieved everything I needed to in life since I know I made you almost pee yourself! 😉 Kidding!! 😉 (Good Lord, that’s a lot of exclamation points.) Have a great weekend.

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