Deliciously Horrible Childhood Memory for Your Enjoyment!

One of my wonderful blog buddies, Alastair, reminded me of this post so I thought I’d put it up here again. I wrote this right when I first started blogging so I doubt most of you have ever seen it. Read at your own risk. You may want to burn the memory of it from your brain with a hot poker once you’ve read it. 🙂

As most of you know, I walk a bit of a twisty line. I don’t like Mixey Mixey food. I curse a lot. I think that love is all about Mr. Ketchup. I am addicted to teddy bears. There is lots of oddness going on around here and I’m okay with that. I always figure if you can do something in a fun way, why not? This leads me to a delightfully hideous memory that makes me both laugh and run screaming into the night each time I think about it.

When I was a little girl, like most of you, I drank out of a sippy cup. As I got older my mom let us drink out of plastic mugs (even though I always wanted to drink out of Daddy’s yellow and white checkered coffee mug.) I like cool and funky drinking containers to this day. Why have boring glasses if you can have weird ones?

Needless to say, I like to make an adventure out of everything and for years I found a fun way to do that it the shower. NO! This is not some perverted story. I was around 7 when this silly shower fun began and if memory serves it went on for at least a couple of years.

I found a toy in my mom’ shower that was awesome for rinsing off soap and getting a drink without using the shower head. It was this cool thingy that I figured my mom also used for drinking and rinsing. I’d try and avoid being hit by the water coming out of the shower head and only use this awesome toy for bathing and liquid refreshment. I would fill my toy up with water and let it rain down on me like a delightful summer sprinkle. A successful shower was one where my thirst was quenched and my body cleaned by the cool red and white toy. Showering was fun! Mom didn’t even have to fight me to get me in there. I never told anyone about my pseudo shower toy. It was my own little shower-time fun.

Now, I’d like to introduce you to my favorite shower toy, out of which I DRANK and BATHED probably 500 times. Scroll WAY down to see it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

douche bag

Favor? Pretty please with sugar on top?

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TGIMFF!!! (Yeah, TGIF just doesn’t capture how happy I am that it’s Friday!) The hubby and I are doing a double feature tomorrow. First, Pain and Gain. Any suggestions for movie number 2?

As for the favor, I’m wondering if those of you who I sent complimentary copies of my books to, or who got in on the $.99 Kindle/Nook book special, would do me a favor? If you got the books and enjoyed them, can you pretty please leave a delicious review of them on Amazon? I hate to even ask, but I’d be super grateful. After Amazon went bonkers last year and deleted tons of reviews off of everyone’s books including mine (I will still never understand why they did that), it appears that hardly anyone has read my books when they actually do quite well. It was so devastating to go from having tons of all 5-star reviews (except 1 from someone who liked the content but not my slightly naughty mouth 😉 ) to having almost no reviews at all. Absolutely heartbreaking. pretty please kitty

I heard back from tons of you via email on how much you laughed or how yummy the food was–and was so delighted by your wonderful stories, but it would be great to see that wonderful commentary on Amazon too. And just so you know, it doesn’t have to be a tome. It could literally be one happy sentence and I’d be thrilled. I’d really appreciate it, my lovely blog buddies, if you’d help me out with this. And if you don’t want to or didn’t like the books, I totally understand and don’t feel like you have to leave a review–no pressure. I just thought I’d ask those of you who did enjoy them or got a good chuckle out of them to leave a review.

If you do decide to post a review (for any or all books), just click on the pictures below and it’ll take you right to the book’s Amazon page.

Thanks so much, guys! I really appreciate it! Love you!

Book Cover Small  New Intimacy Book Cover Small with black border 1-20-13        New Sex Book Cover 225 pixels wide black outline

Kitty says, “To all of you who’ve already left reviews, thank you! Mommy and I love you!!!”

happy kitty

To all the Smokes I’ve loved before…

…you can go suck it because I beat you!!!!

I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

I’ve been more stressed the last few weeks (as you guys know) then I’ve been in a looooooong time. And even though hari kari was calling my name and I kept eyeballing the shotgun and taser, I managed to NOT SMOKE even a single drag!!!

It’s been 4 months, 28 days and 9 hours since I had a puff on a cigarette (not that I’m counting). Yay!! And it was TEMPTING!! That night my sister was my superhero and I sat in my car crying and screaming on the phone to her, there was a pack of unopened smokes just sitting in my glovebox. I keep them there to prove to myself that I don’t need them. And it worked.

Quitting cold turkey after smoking since I was 14 (with a few breaks here and there) wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m so excited that I managed to say no to the Yummy Sticks. Yes, I call them Yummy Sticks. Honest to God, smoking is one of my very favorite things on earth. I almost never drink (maybe 2-3 glasses of wine a year), I don’t do drugs (unless you count Valium to go to the dentist) and so smoking was my deliciously wicked vice. Now I have no vices! I can’t even be a slut cause I’m a married old broad. KIDDING! I never was much for the slutty behavior (but I love me some sluts, so if you are slutty I love your slutty ass).

For those of you who have been or who are smokers, you know exactly what I’m talking about. For those of you who have never been smokers, you are truly blessed to not know the misery of not being able to light up. I’ve heard quitting smoking compared to giving up the needle and it doesn’t surprise me one bit!

See, here’s my best friend and me enjoying a nice, yummy smoke after a delicious dinner a couple of years ago. We look so joyful and happy to be alive! Ahh…the good ole days…

So that everyone out there understands why I used to like smoking so much (and I will again if I’m ever terminally ill, dammit!!!!) I’m going to put a little video clip here from the TV show Frasier. This scene PERFECTLY describes what is so tantalizing about a cigarette.

The whole clip is funny, but if you skip ahead to about 1:06 (the clip’s about 3 minutes long) you’ll get to the heart of the true smoker’s dream.

Enjoy! And NEVER start smoking if you aren’t a smoker now. Why put yourself through the hell of quitting? It totally sucks balls. 🙂

XOXOXO

Online Dating Kicks Ass–if you use your brain and are honest!

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I’m not sure how many of you know this, but I met my hubby online over 5 1/2 years ago. I never thought I’d online date, especially back in 2007 when it was still sort of new and not many people I knew had done it, but I thank God every day that I did.

Here’s how it went down (warning: I’m going to sound like a snobby bitch here in just a moment, but remember, online dating had a less-than-good reputation back in 2007). I was working at a place where I traveled 4 weeks a month. Yep. I stayed home only 4-6 weeks a year. It was HELL!  So, I was in NY on a business trip training a bunch of new hires alongside a more seasoned trainer (I’d only been with the company for about a month) and they were all making fun of me for being single (fairly newly divorced). I didn’t care for all the making fun of me. I’m usually pretty good about laughing at myself, but having 10 people give me shit for being single every day for 4 days was a bit annoying. Finally, I tried to explain. First, I’m NEVER HOME! How the hell am I supposed to meet anyone when I’m on the road every week? Second, I’m not a fan of what we in AZ call “Scottsdale boys” or “$35,000 millionaires.” If some guy tells me (lies to me about) how much he makes and what kind of car he drives within 5 minutes of meeting me (while living in a one bedroom apartment with 10 other guys so he can afford the drinks in the fancy Scottsdale clubs), then I have no interest. I’m not that cheap and you can’t buy me on a first date. Sorry, there’s a street in downtown Phoenix if you are looking for that–and, she won’t expect a call the next day!

Back to NY. Finally, they asked me if I’d tried online dating (here comes the slightly bitchy moment). I said, “Um, no. I think I can get a date without going online.” OUCH!!! Every time I think about saying that I wanna kick myself. It’s not at all like me. I think I was just annoyed at being harassed about being single all week, so I was a little snappy. Well, swat my ass–it turned out that EVERY person in the room met their significant other online. What is the chance of that? Statistically speaking, back in 2007, the likelihood of that happening was slim to none. So, after pulling my bitchy, short-tempered foot outta my mouth, I said, “Okay. I’ll do it. I’ll sign up tonight.” And I did!

I went back to my hotel (slum) and wrote up my online profile on match.com. And I did not fuck around. I told it like it is. I remember when my sister read my profile she gently suggested that I might want to temper it a bit as it was pretty blunt (bless her heart for trying to help her Sissy out) but I told her that if a man couldn’t handle me in writing that there was NO way he could handle me in person. Trust me, that mouth of mine is even mouthier face to face! I remember saying that I didn’t want to lure anyone to my table under false pretenses because then when they met the real Jodi they might freak. I did not want freaking–though I met a fair share of freaks!

Here are a few things I learned about online dating before I found the love of my life:

  1. Read between the lines and make sure to analyze their word choice. You can learn a lot about a person by paying attention to how they phrase sentences. Do they use a lot of negative words? Positive words? Too many positive words? Do they not respond to questions you ask? Do they get too sexual too fast? If they make you uncomfortable in an email, it ain’t gonna get any better in person.
  2. While you may start off politely responding “no” to everyone that emails you, you’ll eventually give up on that (probably). At first, I thought it would be horribly rude to not respond to every email. Then I realized that some of the people who emailed me were clearly sending form letters that they’d created so that they wouldn’t have to personalize emails to every girl they wanted to bang. Ummmm…no. If you can’t invest 10 minutes in drafting a personalized email to someone you’d like to meet, then you can go blow.
  3. If you are a girl, I recommend letting guys come to you. I know that sounds old fashioned, and it is, but when you reach out to a guy through online dating they often misconstrue it as you being an easy target for wham bam thank ya ma’am. Not ALL guys are like that. But on a dating site a lot of them are. I prefer to let them approach me so that they don’t get the impression that they’re getting laid halfway through dinner on our first date. NOT!
  4. Be picky! Just because they ask does not mean you have to say yes. If they are jerky when you say no, then just imagine how much jerkier they likely are to be in “real” life. Screw that.
  5. Cyber stalk them before going on a date. I know, I know…that sounds awful. But I met more than one guy whose best friends were Photoshop and a 10 year old picture. Ummmm…not cool, mo fo. Not cool. (I don’t say that to be shallow. I say it because if someone lies from the get-go, that isn’t a good sign.) So, see if they have a Facebook page or Twitter. Do a Google search. A little research in this day and age is not a bad thing. A girl (and guy) must be smart and safe.
  6. Tell at least 3 people where you are going and with whom. Give them as much info as possible. Sneak a pic of your date if you can so if they find your corpse in a ditch a month from now, your phone will have a picture of the last person you saw alive. Yeah…grim! 😉

So, how did my dating go? Here’s a synopsis of the online dating misery I primarily experienced:

  1. First guy met me at happy hour. He looked nothing like his pic. He started our date by telling me about his other Match.com dates. I felt so special! Yep, great way to begin. Then he went on to tell me he was the victim of a criminal chick duo he met on Match. Long story short: 2 girls showed up for the date instead of one. He was excited because he thought it was his lucky night for a threesome (charming to hear on a first date). They took him out then took him to their lair (cheap hotel). They tried to knock him out and take his wallet but he got away from them and then, and I quote, “Kicked their assess all over the room.” Yep. I wanna date a man who beats up women even after he’s escaped their evil clutches. He got away from them. He didn’t need to go back in and beat them up–he did it “to teach them a lesson.” I left halfway through the appetizers.
  2. Second guy had no teeth. I mean seriously. No teeth. Maybe one molar. Now, as a broken-tooth nightmare myself I understand tooth issues. But NO teeth!? I could barely understand a word he said. I thought I was being punked by Ashton Kutcher.
  3. Third guy was a HOT FBI agent. Damn he was good lookin’! But I made an ass of myself and we never went out again. While we were having dinner he asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom. I thought that was such an odd question. Did he have some supernatural connection to my bladder? It wasn’t talking to me, was it talking to him? Only when I got home did I look in the mirror and realize that one of my hair extensions had escaped my head and was hanging off my arm (long story as to why I wore them and I don’t anymore, thank God). Talk about embarrassing!!! Clearly, he didn’t like chicks who wore other people’s hair. Oh well, we had opposite political views anyway. It wouldn’t have worked. Still…stupid hair extension!! Totally humiliating!
  4. Fourth guy I went on about 6 dates with until we went out for the 4th of July on his friend’s boat. They thought it would be funny to fly the boat across the lake at top speed and then do a super sharp turn, which sent me flying and bloodied my face, just to see if I was up for a good time and was a cool chick. Good time? GOOD TIME? You guys actually planned to hurt me (they held on to handles as they knew what was coming so they didn’t go flying across the entire boat and smash their faces into the back of the captain’s chair–ASSHOLES!) to see if I’d pass the “cool chick” test???? Fuckheads. Then he had the balls to email ME and tell me that I was a primadonna princess because I didn’t join them in cleaning up all the empty beer cans on the boat (of which I had exactly zero). Oh, don’t forget, they bloodied my face! Why the fuck would I clean up after them? About a year later he sent me the longest email apologizing for his behavior. Apparently he was in a “misogynistic” phase after a bad divorce. Then DON’T DATE GIRLS YOU DUMB FUCK ASS HAT!!!

Finally, I was like, screw this, I’m done. I stayed on Match.com until October but didn’t go out on any more dates. Ugh. Then one night, while in Chicago on business, I was forced to go to dinner with this wretched bitch from work who I hated. Longest dinner of my life. But thank God for it because by the time I got back to the hotel it was late, but I was determined to cancel my Match.com membership. I logged in and as I was about to cancel one last email popped into my inbox. I read it. Turns out the short and charming email was from my future husband!

Had I not gone to dinner with bitchface, I’d have canceled my membership before he had a chance to email me. Talk about God intervening because he knows what’s best.

So, why did his email stand out from the rest? He addressed a rather unusual comment from my profile (which few had done). And he didn’t give me a single compliment. It was all about personality. I loved it. I emailed him back and we continued to email for 7 hours until we were both ready to pass out from exhaustion and half-broken typing fingers. It was AWESOME!

We met 2 days later for our first date and it’s been just the two of us from that day forward. One of the things he liked so much about me was that my profile was full of spunk and turned out not to contain even one lie (though at the time I wrote my profile I’d just quit smoking and listed myself as a non-smoker, but by the time I met him I’d started again–so that was a bit misleading, but he smoked too so it wasn’t an issue. I’d simply not thought about updating my profile when I lit up again–never crossed my mind.). One of the things I learned about him over time was that his profile was 98% true (and the other 2% wasn’t a lie–it was just slightly fuzzy).

Moral of the story? Be honest on your profile. If you are looking for a one-eyed, 6’2″ man with a vestigial tail, then list that. If you don’t put out there who you are and what you really want, chances are you won’t find it easily.

One more moral? Use pics that look like you. The future hubby’s pics made him look mean, but his profile didn’t read as mean at all so I took a chance. Turns out there’s not a mean bone in his body, even if he did look a little grumpy in the pics.

Before he and I canceled our accounts, I grabbed screenshots of our profiles. I’m going to put them here for you to read (yeah, mine’s long–shocking!). I love rereading them every couple of years. They always make me giggle.

For those of you out there in search of love–much luck to you!!! I kissed a frog or two along the way, but it was worth it since it led me to the love of my life. I wish the same blessing on all of you!!!!

Jodis Match Profile

Grants Match Profile

Good luck to all my single peeps out there!!! 🙂 XOXOXO

Upcoming post and KICK ASS COOKBOOK REVIEW!!!

Okay, so I’m halfway through writing my new post–dedicated to online dating–and I get an email about a blog post reviewing my cookbook, Darn Good Eats. I’m so freaking excited about this review that I saved my online dating post into MS Word (cause you KNOW how easy it is to lose a post on WordPress by accident) and had to do a quick post sending you to her page. She not only blogged her review, but put it up on Amazon and Goodreads. I’m all verklempt!! What a sweetheart.

Big thanks to all of you guys who are posting reviews for the books. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart!!! I’m so thankful I busted out with the colors! I want to marry each of you! Wow, that’s illegal and makes me sound like a tramp. 😉

Okay, I’ll shut up now and give you the link to check out her blog: Book Review Blog (this lovely lady does not mess around with her reviews–crazy amounts of detail–it’s like a thesis!)

I’ll get back to my online dating blog (for those of you in the dating world, I think you’ll enjoy it) tonight or tomorrow.

Big hug to you all! Have a great night!

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