Well, well, well…I can’t believe how many of my early readers emailed me and suggested that I post this again. You guys are just too adorable and I really appreciate that you took the time to email me. 🙂 I guess my horrifying childhood memory post spawned a desire to reread some of my very early, new-to-blogging posts. As I live to please, I thought I’d go ahead and post it. It is truly awful though, so honest to God, no one should read this. You’ve been warned twice!! 🙂
So, what is the Buzz Muff you ask?
Lemme tell you a little story…
I used to have to travel for work all the time. I was the consummate Road Warrior! I had 2 sets of makeup. 2 curling irons. 2 of everything so I could just grab a suitcase and go. About 2 years ago I was traveling back and forth to Florida every week for about 8 weeks. Kill me. That is a LONG ASS flight, especially in coach. Total suck. For those of you who’ve spent a lot of time in a plane, you know that when you unfold yourself out of those teeny tiny, made for 90 pound 4 foot tall people seats, that your body sometimes rebels. This is such a story.
Having finally arrived in the ungodly miserable heat and humidity (my damn glasses always fog up the second I walk outside and I’m essentially blind for 45 seconds) I head to the car rental place. It was right at the terminal, so not a bad walk. While standing there I all of a sudden felt this “buzz” in my nether regions. WTF??? What the hell was that?? Is my phone in my pocket? 10 seconds later: BUZZ!! 10 seconds after that: BUZZ. What on earth??!!! Maybe it’s some vibration coming up through the floor since we are still at the airport. Maybe the close flying planes cause the floor to blah blah blah. I had NO clue what the hell was causing it. I was looking for any excuse to grab on to as I’d never before had the Buzz Muff.
I get my rental (BUZZ) car. Put my luggage in (BUZZ) the trunk. Start driving to (BUZZ) the hotel. Now I realize that I cannot blame this on any kind of floor vibration climbing up my leg and landing in my, ummm…girl parts. And while some of you out there may be thinking, “HOW AWESOME!!! It must be like having a “personal massager” on demand every 10 seconds,” let me assure you: NOT FUN! Especially when you don’t know what in the hell is causing it. My brain is thinking: Spinal injury; caught some ungodly worm or mite from the bathroom in the plane; my muff is going to fall off; clearly I’m dying and this is the first throe of death. It was funny and horrifying all at the same time.
Eventually, I find my hotel, get (BUZZ) checked in and unpacked. I call the hubby and say, “Ummm…honey. I gots me the Buzz Muff.” He was like, “What in the hell are you talking about (while laughing his ass off–I still owe him a small stick in the kidney with an ice pick for laughing so hard!). I try to explain to him my muff insanity, but it was hard to explain! All I could relate it to was the time I was swapping out a regular outlet for a GFCI outlet and turned off the wrong breaker. I got a hell of a shock with that and that is exactly how this felt.
So, on to the next day where I have to train a handful of teachers from 7:30am-4:00pm and then another group from 4:30pm-8:30pm (my bosses are clearly child labor enthusiasts!). This is to be my schedule for the next 3 days. And right on time, every ten seconds, BUZZ! Can I even begin to express to you how incredibly difficult it is to train 30 teachers how to use computers in the classroom while BUZZ is happening with every 5th word I utter???
On day two I called my gyno and said to her, as she is awesome, “What in the fuck is wrong with my coochie??? I’m going to tear it off and throw it in the ocean if it doesn’t stop!” She too cracked up laughing! Bitch. 😉 She came up with many scenarios including this one which is my favorite: “Well…could it be that…ummm…could Grant have, you know, left something in there by accident?” OH MY GOD!!! That made ME die laughing. No. That is not what happened. She told me that happens all the time. She told me this right as I was taking a long drink of coffee and I spit it everywhere!! How does one “forget” an object like that in a place like that??? Good Lord have mercy. Alas, she has no answer for me. Dammit!
On day three I called my boss. I said to her, “I don’t think I can finish this training. I gots me the Buzz Muff.” Yep, you can guess her response. And yes, I told my BOSS that. Why not? We’re all chicks. She told me that if I needed to come home early that she’d understand. Of course, her being so understanding made me stay and finish out the week because I didn’t want to let her down.
On day four I finally get to go home. I’ve gotten NO sleep. The thought of “returning from a business trip” sex makes me wanna puke. I’m quite certain I’m dying of some hideous nerve cancer or some other horror. But I persist and get on the plane. I fold myself into my 2 square feet of space, take 2 sleeping pills and pass out. There was NO way I’d have made it on the plane for 6 hours with the Buzz Muff hounding me without tearing open the emergency exit and jumping to my delightful and wished-for death.
We finally land. I stand up to stretch and while doing so I feel no buzzing. NONE! Where’d the Buzz Muff go? I say out loud, “THANK YA JESUS!” The lady next to me says, “Yeah, thank God that flight is over.” Pretending that was what I was talking about I concurred and then stood there reveling in the fact that my muff had returned to its previously happy state of well-being.
The following week I went to the doc and he told me (through not-so-veiled giggles) that while he had NEVER, EVER heard of the Buzz Muff that I must have pinched a nerve on the plane on the way to Florida and unpinched it on the plane back. It was his only solution to my ever-curious girlie parts.
Since then, everyone at work either called me Buzz/Buzzy or would walk by and make a buzzing noise. I guess word travels fast when it’s one’s who-ha in crisis! 😉 I don’t even work there anymore and some of my old coworkers STILL call me that. Never dull…nope, life is never dull.
If any of you have suffered the Buzz Muff or are doctors and would like to share with me your theories, please feel free. It is still the Great Unknown Muff Adventure and a little insight would be awesome. 🙂
Oh my Gawd too fricken funny!!! It’s too bad you couldn’t have found out the cause!! Your story had me rolling on the floor woman!! Hugz a bunch!! Lisa
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Hey there, Lisa! I KNOW!! Knowing what caused the Buzz Muff woulda been nice, right?? 🙂 Glad you enjoyed. I love letting people experience horror (funny horror) vicariously through me! 🙂 XOXO
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I don’t think I ever before read anything that’s so funny and so ABSOLUTELY FREAKIN HORRIFYING at the same time!! Thanks for the giggles.
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TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY FREAKIN HORRIFYING!!! Right? Oh my God, it was both the funniest and the most hideous thing ever to go through. 🙂 I still laugh every time I think about it. Good grief. Only me… 😉
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I remember reading this! A built in vibrator, how awesome man!!
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You are one of them that’s been with me from the beginning, my friend! 🙂
Built in vibrator! If only it had had a friggin’ off switch!! 😉
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Ladies and gentlemen: Just when you think that your life is complete. You’ve done it all, you’ve seen it all, you’ve even heard it all. You haven’t. Subscribe to this blog. THEN and ONLY THEN will your life become complete.
I laughed so hard reading this, that the neighbor called to see if I was okay!!!!!!!!!!
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That is why I did! I’m a food blogger, not a relationship blogger at all, but found her one day, laughed my ass off at her post that day, followed her, and since she has put two of my recipes in her cookbook! Jodi is truely awesome and I hope to meet her in person some day 🙂
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Awwww…you are so dang sweet! 🙂 Thank you, my dear. 🙂 I’m all blushing now… 🙂
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I’m serious!
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HA!!! That is awesome!!! 🙂 I love making you giggle. I’m glad my incapacitated muff was able to bring you such laughter. 🙂
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Coochie Coochie Coo! (Pun intended.)
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Ha! Nice. 🙂
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Still my FAVORITE post of your’s EVER!! It’s shit that would only happen to me!! Only my doctor’s would say I’m insane and try to put me on meds 🙂
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Sweet!!! So happy you like my muff suffering!!! 😉 I swear, when my gyno asked if Grant had left behind a toy I about died. People are freaks!! 🙂
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Haha! I was thinking condom, because that has happened to me! What, who said that! 😉
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Oh my good Lord!!! That would make me die laughing!!! Having to root around in there, trying to find it! HA HA! 🙂
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Not funny! Thought I was gonna die of latex poisoning!
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While I’m devastated for you of course for all the worry you suffered, I can’t hlp but sit here drying my eyes from laughter. Please make sure you let us knnnow if you ever find out the real answer and didn’t just forget a phone on vibrate in your knickers pocket. xx HUGS xxxx
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Awwww…you are both sweet and full of schadenfreude all at the same time! 😉 I wish I knew what caused it. What a WEIRD symptom of some screwy thing! 😉
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This was funny reading it first time round, and equally as funny this time around 😀
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Glad you enjoyed, my friend. 🙂
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Not as much as you did haha
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I will fly across the pond and whip your butt!!! 😉
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Haha dare ya dare ya double-dare ya lmao
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DAMMIT! Calling my bluff like that! 😉
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Hehe you can enjoy the rest of your day in peace, I’m off to bed so won’t be bothering you anymore tonight 🙂
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Omg, I remember this was one of the first posts of yours that I ever read…and it’s still effing hilarious!!!
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I lured you in with my buzz muff? AWESOME! 🙂
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LOL…sounds wrong but yeah…! Haha. 🙂
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Sounds totally disturbing! 😉 Tee hee hee… 🙂
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Outrageous! 🙂
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Utterly horrifying!! 😉 XO
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Apparently missed the story the first time around (too bad)… This was friggin hilarious. Right up there with your story on the Gyne visit (forget name of article). Trying to catch my breath In between fits of laughter and uncontrolled coughing.
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Glad you enjoyed! It was truly horrible! I’ve never been so aware of that body part for such an extended period of time!! Torture! 😉
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I totally missed this originally, until today’s post. HILARIOUS.
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You missed my Buzz Muff??? Truly one of the most outlandish, totally Jodi-esque experiences of my life. 🙂
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I did. I was out of commission that month, which explains how and why I missed it.
Just the title made me think “Bad Brazilian”? LOL. Officially, all of our minds are in the gutter.
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I love sharing a dirty mind with you! The hubby always says I go to the dark side first. 😉
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If my mind wasn’t in the gutter, it would have no place to go. LOL. I don’t see anything wrong with a little raunch, or a lot. It all depends on the day.
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Right there with you. 🙂
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