I thought it was about time for another “search term” blog. I swear, I laugh out loud when I read the list of search terms people use and then somehow end up on my blog. I mean, not only do I find it odd that some of these terms bring people here, but I find it even more peculiar that people search for some of these terms. I know it takes all types, but good grief, some of this shit is messed up.
In order to make this post interactive, I’ve tried to figure out which of my posts the searchers were linked to based on their search terms. So, in most cases the bolded text below will also be a link to the corresponding post on my site. Those of you who are new here can read all the horrifyingly inappropriate crap that I’ve written that brings these whacko searchers to my front door.
But before you read below, please know that it is horrible and filled with hideously foul language. It is NOT for the sensitive amongst you. This is a post for people with strong stomachs and rogue senses of humor. If you don’t like 4-letter words, turn back now.
You have now been officially warned and I don’t want no guff about my language! Got it? Got it. 😉
I hate cleaning: Well, if there has ever been a truer search term that would bring someone to my blog, I don’t know what it could be. 😉
I hate the word trending: Fuck you, trending.
Not in my wheelhouse: Fuck you too, wheelhouse!
What’s in my wheelhouse?: Stupid damn wheelhouse. SHUT UP about your wheelhouse. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR WHEELHOUSE!
Adult eyes only: Well, they came to the right place for that!
Bad grammer sucks it: Yep. Bad “grammEr” does suck it. 😉
Correct grammar for this wonderful life dear lord, im forever thankful: Ummm… the amount of errors in the “correct grammar dear lord” search is horrifying. Pot calling kettle?
Tiffany Granath: Love me some Tiffany Granath and Playboy SiriusXM.
How to do sex: I gotta say, if you can’t even ask about it properly, how do you expect to do it properly?? I guess that’s why they are asking! 😉 Man, I’m a bitch.
If you muff a woman that’s on the pill: What exactly is muffing a woman? Since when is “muff” a verb?
Jodi Ambrose sex sex Jodi: Sorry to let you down, but there will be no Jodi sex videos. Nope. Nada. Nil.
Author Jodi Ambrose: That’s me, baby!
Jodi wise: Hell yeah, I am. Every 5th Tuesday in February during a Leap Year.
Spanked battleaxe: You tryin’ to say something? Battleaxe?? If I find you…
Jodi arias sex pics: God why did she have to have my first name even spelled the same way? Ugh.
i+want+to+sex+you: No. You may not. I will not be sexed by you.
Kicking ass and taking names: Yep. That’s my job description.
Toilet monster: YOU’RE a toilet monster! So there!
Good blog sassy: Why thank you! I love that this search term brought them here. I guess I have to send a check to Google for being so nice.
Jodi sucks it: Okay, since I’m not technically a hooker I can only assume they are talking about a different Jodi. Unless my past has come back to haunt me. 😉
Jodi Beth Ambrose: How do you know my middle name? Are you a stalker? Should I be worried?
Massengill medicated powder: Can we quit it with the Massengill please? Why is it always about rotten crotch?
I’m positive you’re a douche: No, I’m positive YOU are a douche.
I licked my mom’s douche: God…that freaking story is going to follow me around for the rest of my damn life, ain’t it?
I want more sex: Who doesn’t? Here’s a tissue. Get in line.
Women sexy feet finger toes death: So…uhhhh…yeah…I try to avoid necrophiliacs. Please go away.
Hello Kitty having sex: Fucked up. Period.
What do strippers smell like: I know! I know! Read here to find out.
How to smell like a stripper: Does one usually WANT to smell like a stripper? Though I imagine many of them smell quite good.
Guess my muff: Guess your own damn muff! (I love the word muff.)
Guess my snatch: Guess your own damn snatch!
Monster muff: Can we please not admit to having a monster muff in public? That’s what confession is for.
Rape butt cry: Can someone get me a cop? Please? I am disturbed.
Sadistic torture pulling out toenails: Ummm…what the fuck? Please stay off my website, blog and planet. I’m frightened.
Stupid TV Bitches: Nice. Didn’t your mama teach you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything? Oh. Wait. My mom taught me that. I guess I just didn’t listen! 😉
Snuffaluffagus: SEE! They searched with all “Fs” because his name should NOT have “Ps” in it. Stupid P ruining my childhood memories.
Unicorn peeing a rainbow, unicorn vomiting rainbows, unicorn pooping rainbows, unicorns sex, unicorns with shotguns, unicorn with rainbows out of ass: Lot’s of unicorn awfulness going on here. Why unicorns, you sickos? Oh, wait, I think I Googled “drunk unicorns” and “puking rainbow unicorns” trying to find my own inappropriate unicorn picture. I am no better.
Lions and tigers and bears: Oh my!
Furry feet chickens: Ain’t nothin’ better than a furry footed chicken!
Impoliteness sneak a chicken: Is it impolite to sneak a chicken? Into where am I sneaking the chicken? A movie theater? Someone’s house? An orgy? More specifics please.
Otter toes: I love me some otter toes!
Otters a sexy: Sick freak.
Owl and no fucks were given that day: Hmmm…the owl gave no fucks that day? Or no owls nor fucks were given that day? Be clear, dammit!
Ninja chicken: Hell yeah, ninja chicken!
Turkey country women porn: Wha? What kind of image or story was this person imagining finding?
Girl peeing toilet, girl in toilet while on phone, sucks off in toilet, girl using bathroom on the phone, pee on girl, big ass girl on loo: Wow. That’s a lot of wanting to see girls on the pot. WHAT IS SO HOT ABOUT WATCHING A GIRL PEE??? I don’t get it. I’m slightly horrified. Gross. Oh, wait, I do recall posting a picture of a girl peeing while talking on the phone. I’m perpetuating this, so I can’t complain.
Happy father’s day dad who’s in heaven: Awww…this is a sweet one. Happy Father’s Day to all the daddies out there!
Peeing on teddy bear: That is wrong. Just wrong. You need to go fuck yourself. Who would pee on a teddy bear? Car teddy would be PISSED! (No pun intended.)
Ducks without beaks: Yet again, that is so very, very wrong. Who wants to see a duck without a beak???
Who started the whole duckface pose thing: FUCKING DUCK FACE HATE IT! Dang, I need a valium.
Boob spider: Okay, yeah. I wrote a blog about a muff spider. I can see how this search term would bring someone here. Good Lord…
Slut searchers: Ya know, I’ve often been a Slut Searcher. It’s like looking for Big Foot, only significantly easier.
Chicks in slutty dresses hen: I know I dressed a bit wild when I was young, but this person seemed to be looking for chicks as in chickens that are dressed sluttily. I didn’t know chickens dressed like that. Mine just run around naked.
Drunk puke slut pics: Okay, so I have one or more of those in my photo album. Who doesn’t?
Slut newsletter: Is that what you think my blog is? Mo fo!? Well…maybe sometimes…
Women’s naked fat boobs and balls for boobs: “Balls for boobs?” Sounds like some kind of perverted charity.
Needle giant boobs: I’m picturing “needle” boobs being 2 feet long and about an inch wide. I guess those could be considered giant.
Snoring man angry woman: Is there any other kind of woman when a man is snoring?
Clapping your hands and snoring: Now THAT is a skill and is one that will get you killed in my house.
Road rag fuckn aye: I’m going to assume they meant, “Road rage, fuckin’ a?”
Angry birds fucking pigs laughing blog: STUPID ANGRY BIRDS I HATE THEM DIE ANGRY BIRDS! 😉
Wedding vows that combine pagan and Christian themes: That’s what my hubby’s and mine did. Shockingly enough, it worked out quite well.
How honest should online dating profiles be?: VERY! DAMMIT! NO LIES! DAMMIT!
Stupidity will be dealt with accordingly: Preach on. Mama does not suffer fools very well.
Two ears one mouth shut the fuck up cartoon: Ha! That’s almost the exact same search phrase I used to find a picture like that!
Well I love fucking erotic cakes but I am considerate of others and clean up when i’m done: This is one of my all-time favorites. God bless someone who cleans up after themselves. But how in the hell did this search term bring them to my blog???
Why does my chicken yell when it poops?: Why do any of us?
And just in case you are curious, yes, this post took 1.2 million years of my life to write, so I hope like hell you enjoyed it! 🙂 🙂 🙂
What the unholy fuck is a “wheelhouse” anywho? I mean seriously!! Da fuck does that have to do with anyone. Do they have a structure in their name which houses wheels and tires? How does that “play into it” too?? The first time I heard this phrase was on an episode of “The Big Bang Theory” … STILL DO NOT understand what the hell it means or what the guy was talking about.
LikeLike
Honest to God. I hate that term so much. Buzz words make me insane. Ugh. Though I do love the Big Bang Theory! I’ll forgive them and only them for its use. 🙂
LikeLike
I don’t know what a wheelhouse is either. Maybe the wheel a hamster goes around in?
LikeLike
Seriously…wheelhouse? WTF? Its mere presence as a word annoys the piss outta me! 😉
LikeLike
I went to Urbandictionary.com and these are the examples they give to explain what a wheelhouse is:
As an alcoholic, a beer drinking contest is right in my wheelhouse.
Guy 1: “How can we get this hot girl to take her clothes off?”
Guy 2: “Ask Hugh Heffner, that’s right in his wheelhouse.”
Dude One: Will you look at the set of tits on that babe??
Dude Two: Damn…That’s right in my wheelhouse!
It’s great seeing how urbandictionary.com keeps their standards nice and high! 😉
LikeLike
Really? I was seriously thinking hamster wheel! How can I be so innocent and yet not at the same time 😉
LikeLike
That’s just one of many endearing qualities you have that make you so charming. 🙂
LikeLike
True, haha!
LikeLike
Okay that’s amusing as I said unholy fuck and you’re post mentioned holy fuck. Also I tripped your trigger with “anywho” ….. fascinating.
LikeLike
Both holy and unholy fucks are pretty awesome. 🙂
LikeLike
I will have to take your word for it, your highness.
LikeLike
hilarious and worth the time you put into it. easy for me to say )
LikeLike
So happy you enjoyed it! 🙂 It was my Friday mission to make people laugh. 🙂
LikeLike
I stopped reading when you said there were no Jodi sex videos, but it was funny up to there.
LikeLike
What would I do without you to make me chuckle? Too funny!
LikeLike
I am trying to limit the amout of blogs I read and first up today I come here and get sent back to all these bloody funny blogs and have ended up reading heaps………..oh well got nothing else to do to day………………….and yeah I know it is now 1.55pm and I have been reading blogs for half an hour already and they have been all yours……………anyway I am off now to read other peoples blogs……………
LikeLike
That is so awesome! How totally fun–I love that you read heaps of my crazy posts. That just gives me the happy giggles. 🙂 Glad you enjoyed, my dear. 🙂 XO
LikeLike
I will pay you $100 if you send this to me as your guest post!! Lmao!! I was going to go to bed, but I had to stop in the middle of reading this because I was laughing so hard I needed to pee, so I grabbed another beer instead 🙂 I don’t even care about the thousand likes I’ll lose, it will be worth the sick freaks finding me!! And then being very disappointed. Best post ever!!
LikeLike
HA!!! I’m sooooo happy you enjoyed it. I love picturing you laughing so hard that you had to pee! 🙂 Funniest mental picture ever!!! 🙂 And of course, grabbing another beer was the way to go. You are a good decision maker! 🙂
And if, when the beer isn’t in you, you still want this as my guest post, I’ll chuck the one I’m writing in the can and you can have it! 😉 What a riot that would be. We’d shock the shit outta your readers! They’d think someone had hacked your account. 🙂
LikeLike
I know! Lol, look on my personal Facebook, I have a link to a study that was done that concluded that smarter people drink. Best study I ever read!
LikeLike
That’s awesome! 🙂 Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a good, ice cold brewski!
LikeLike
😉
LikeLike
Damn that’s nasty!!!
LikeLike
I know! Hence all the warnings. 🙂 I couldn’t make that stuff up if I dropped acid, smoked a joint and had someone else’s brain. 🙂
LikeLike
HAHAH! Love it! I wrote a very similar blog a few months ago – loads of people are looking for Naked Cavewoman pictures. That blog post is my most popular. I guess people want to see naked cavewomen running around?
It’s funny the search terms people type in. I guess they don’t understand that it is and can be (thanks NSA/CIA/FBI) tracked! ROFL
LikeLike
So happy you enjoyed! 😉 Naked Cavewoman! Ha! People are so nuts, aren’t they? What an odd thing to search for. Yeah, and you are so right, people should be cautious since every government agency with initials is watching your every move! 😉 Yikes. I need to go throw away my computer. 😉
LikeLike
Love these! I’ve had some interesting one’s for the blog.
Naked guinea pigs – as if there is any other kind, my boys stay natural!
Talking guinea pig that really can actually talk and isn’t just someone with their stupid damn fancy computer software – I just want to know how that led them to my blog!
~Amy
ps. The piggies say hi! I didn’t let them read it because it’s for adult eyes only!
LikeLike
WAIT! WAIT just a gol darn minute. Amy? Amy? I swear, for a minute I thought someone hacked your account. I was looking for my furries when I saw “hutchagoodlife” and kept reading and re-reading thinking I must be drunk or something.
Amy, Miss Mummy, it’s lovely to meet you. Though please do tell the furries hi from Aunt Jodi and give them all kisses. 🙂
As for searching for naked guinea pigs–WTF??? Either they are weirdo perverts or they for some reason think that guinea pigs usually wear suits or sweaters? Maniacs! 😉
LikeLike
Hehehe, yep, I’ve taken to commenting as me if the piggies don’t have anything to say or if the content is too adult for my furbabies!
~Amy
LikeLike
Yes, we can’t make the furries less innocent with my ramblings. 🙂 Give them my love! XOXOXO
LikeLike
Hilarious! Thanks, I laughed my head of!
LikeLike
Yay! I love making people giggle. 🙂 Makes my day!
LikeLike
So funny! I’ve always enjoyed looking back on search times. People are so…stupid/weird/crazy to be searching the way they do! And I can tell this took you a while, but I’m so happy you took the time to entertain us. 😀
LikeLike
Oh my god, sweet girl…it took me FOREVER!!! But if it gives people the giggles then it was worth it. 🙂 And yes, looking on the search phrases is always a hoot. I can’t believe some of the crazy shit that people search for. I always wanna kinda take a shower after reading the list! 😉 XOXO
LikeLike
I must say that in nearly 3 years of blogging, I have NEVER seen the search term “Fearless Leader Sex Tape” used for finding my blog. Could someone do that just once for me please? 🙂
LikeLike
Dangit! I ran a search on “Fearless Leader Sex Tape” and it didn’t take me to your blog. But I tried! 🙂 I went 4 Google pages deep. Poop.
LikeLike
Dammt! I guess I should have marketed the tape better. .:) Oh…in the tape I went 4 pages deep too. bwahahahaha
LikeLike
Hahaha, this is classic! I’ve seen some weird search terms that have led to my blog, but this is definitely over the top!
LikeLike
I think it’s because I use naughty language and have a book with the word “sex” in the title. It brings out all the loonies (and thank God, because most of them are my readers!!!). 🙂 🙂
LikeLike
I read some of the “not so inappropriate” ones out loud, to my 18 year old daughter. We laughed out loud together! Thanks for a valuable bonding moment between the two of us 😛
LikeLike
Awwww…that just warmed my heart!! How lovely! 🙂 My day has been officially made. Give your daughter a pat on the head for me. 🙂 XO
LikeLike
Muffing is an English term referring to muff-diving.
I think the strippers smell was one of the first posts of yours that I commented on 🙂 I’m going to have to see what terms people find on mine
LikeLike
Shut the hell up. Seriously? That’s a riot! Muffing. Awesome. 🙂
Oh yeah, the strippers one. I remember so clearly my sister saying, “You have to get this perfume! It’s awesome, but you’ll smell like a stripper.” or something to that effect. My thought is, “Who wouldn’t want to smell like a stripper?” 🙂
LikeLike
Yep, seriously 😀 Hmm .. I just thought of a song
♫♪♫♪♫♪
Muff the magic pussy
Lived by the sea
It gave so much pleasure
Extra-ordinarily
It’s best friend was William
Who really adored that Muff
Willie brought it vibrators
Batteries and other stuff
Together they went sailing
On a boat .. a large clipper
Willie brought Muff some perfume
So she would smell like a stripper
One day Muff said to Willie
I have another friend
I now have a Rampant Rabbit
Unlike you it’ll never end
It was with a heavy heart now
That Willie joined a band
Every time he thought of Muff
He took himself in hand
♪♫♪♫♪♫
Hope it gave you a giggle 😉
LikeLike
Oh. My. Holy. God. You have limerick talent, my friend!! What a freaking riot!! 🙂 Well done! 🙂
LikeLike
Hope it made you smile 🙂
LikeLike
Oh yeah…smile and giggle like a fool! 😉
LikeLike
Haha looking like a demented rabbit with goldfish feet?
LikeLike
A demented rabbit with goldfish feet? I know you aren’t a big drinker…so I’m trying to figure out if this was an acid flashback. 😉
LikeLike
Or one to my own planet haha
LikeLike
That’s hilarious. You know how when you’re at a stand up comedy show and the more you laugh the more everything seems funnier? This was like that. I was giggling in the beginning, laughing in the middle and when I read “why does my chicken yell when it poops” I almost peed my pants!
LikeLike
That is so truly awesome that I’m stunned with your giggling awesomeness. 🙂 You reminded me of when I used to get the giggles in church. Worst thing ever because the laughing would make me need to laugh harder and then I’d have to run out the back door and pass out from trying not to laugh. Good times…good times. So happy I could give you a chuckle, my friend. 🙂 XO
LikeLike
HAHA! These are comical, thank you very much! Mad my day!
LikeLike
Glad you enjoyed!! 🙂 Always like to give people the giggles. 🙂 Have a great week! Hugs!
LikeLike
LOL, these are hilarious! And I hate trending too because I never agree with them!!
LikeLike
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed. …stupid trending! 😉 I never agree either.
LikeLike
LOL, I giggled out loud on the bus which earned me a few stares! Can I narrate your “I hate cleaning” blog for my podcast? I hate it too.
LikeLike
So happy to give you the giggles. Being stared at for giggling is much better than being stared at for burping…so at least there’s that! 😉
Oh, and I’d LOVE LOVE LOVE for you to narrate that post! How fun! I’ll put a link to it on the blog so everyone can enjoy it. YAY! You did such a fabulous job last time, I know this one will be awesome also! 🙂 HUGS!!
LikeLike
I uploaded the narration to my podcast, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. Let me know if you have any trouble accessing it, Podbean is making changes.
LikeLike
I am so excited to hear it!!!! 🙂 I’ll put a link to it up here on my blog tomorrow after work. I’d do it tonight, but I can’t download the file and I get an error when I try to play it. I tried in both Firefox and Internet Explorer. I’ll try back tomorrow and see if I can get it to work. You did such a fabulous job last time, I know this is going to be just as amazing! Thank you!!!! 🙂
LikeLike
It seems to be working again. Thanks so much for putting a link to it on your blog!
LikeLike
It sounds great! I just did a post on it and gave everyone the link to your podcast and your blog site. Thank you so much. I feel so honored that you’d pick one of my posts. BIG HUG! 🙂
LikeLike
You’re welcome. I really enjoyed it since I hate cleaning too. I had to record the thumb grating scene a few times, I kept laughing!
LikeLike
We are to cleaning-hating-peas-in-a-pod! 🙂 Love that you kept giggling during the thumb grating. Thank God the hubby was up for eating thumb that night. 🙂 Thanks again, Kris. 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you so much for the PR. I really appreciate it!
LikeLike
You are so very welcome, my dear! It’s is well deserved!
LikeLike
You’re welcome. I enjoyed every minute of narrating it!
LikeLike
Not that my blog is exciting, but I had to go look at the history, after reading yours, of search terms that lead someone to mine. All were boring except “woman sucking pushy” HAHAHA typo…guess they didn’t get what they were looking for!
LikeLike
With a handle like “passionatenotpushy” I’ve no doubt your blog get quite entertaining! 😉 “Woman sucking pushy.” HA! That’s a riot! 🙂 People are wonderfully disturbed. Have yourself a lovely weekend!
LikeLike