Good Grief! The Things I Overhear While Getting a Pedicure!

Shocked Kitty

This was me, getting my toes spruced up, while laying there in stark horror!

Now, you know I always have fun when getting a pedicure. It’s either entertaining because they scald/maul/slice me to death or because someone around me is outta control funny. This time, it was the funny.

Here are some snippets of conversations overheard while getting my little toesies buffed:

  1. I don’t know why, but I love the smell of rotten feet. If I did pedicures for a living like you, I wouldn’t let anyone wash their feet first. (HOLY SHIT CAKES!! That one about made me puke in my mouth!)
  2. Genital warts ain’t so bad. Just try not to let the lights be too bright so that no one can see ’em. (Oh. My. God.)
  3. I peed myself. No seriously, I actually peed myself. It got all over the car seat. I’m guessing there won’t be a date number 2. (I about peed myself!)
  4. My mom asked me last week how to give a blow job. I wanted to kill myself. (Ummmm…uhhh…yeah.)
  5. Girl 1: “Does my ass look fat in these pants? I should never wear white.” Girl 2: “Your ass looks HUGE in those pants. When we leave here we should burn them in the parking lot. You’d look better walking around in your underwear.” (With friends like that…!!! To Girl 1’s credit, she did laugh her voluptuous ass off when her friend said that.)
  6. This one from a guy on the phone: “Yeah man, I keep telling her that she’ll get used to it. I love the smell. Why can’t she just get over it and quit barking at me? My farts smell great.” (I swear I wanted to get up and pound him with a hammer. NO ONE’S colon smells good, you dolt!)
  7. I need a line of blow. (Seriously??? Where people can hear you? Decorum, my friend. Decorum.)
  8. Girl on phone: “Last night I ate a whole large pizza plus an order of garlic bread.” …. “Yeah, about 15 minutes later.” … “It went everywhere! All over the sheets. All over him. It was so gross.” (Good God almighty. I gather that she puked all over the place while doing the dirty? That poor guy!!)
  9. Why do I get so many eye boogers? It’s like my eyes have a cold. I have eyeball snot factories. Gross. (Yep, gross. Though I have to admit I used to love looking at eye boogers under a microscope. Fascinating.) 🙂
  10. And the creme de la creme: I only have 9 fingers. Do I get a discount on a full set of acrylics. (Nope. So not kidding!)

I always find it shockingly funny when in the course of 2 hours I get to hear so many different kinds of bat shit crazy stuff!!! I spent the entire time laughing my ass off. Yep, just another trip into Crazy Town on a Saturday afternoon!

🙂

Here’s a little ball-kickin’, ass-smackin’, take no guff empowerment for the ladies!

Okay gentlemen, you are allowed to read this, but it’s really for the ladies.

Of course I’m going to put a disclaimer here because you know how I am. 🙂

Guys, you know I love you. I’m a terrific fan of men. I love them so much I married me one. But that is not to say that sometimes the ladies couldn’t use a little dose of “Kicking Ass and Taking Names.” I know I’ve had those moments in my life and I just thought if any of the ladies out there needed a little extra support, girl power (though I loathe that expression), or encouragement that I’d share with them what helped me straighten my ass out when I was going through a bit of a rough time.

So, before I share with you what helped me, I’m going to tell you a brief story. I did a post on this over a year ago, so I’ll make it short and sweet here.

I’ve not always had the best luck with men. Those of you who know me well or have read the intro to my Sex book know that I’ve dated ALL kinds of guys. While I have not a single regret in life (thank God), I have experienced quite a lot of shit over the years. The good thing is that I learned from it all and got wiser along the way.

Well, not too long before I met my wonderful hubby, I was dating a guy (not seriously at all) and he called me one day and said he wanted to marry me and wanted me to give him a daughter (you guys know I don’t want kids and he knew this too). BUT!!!! I had to “be better” first. What? I have to be WHAT first? Dumb asshat mother fucker.

As you can imagine, with those words I was done. D.O.N.E. But I was also fascinated by what he meant by “better.” So I asked. I was curious after all. What on earth could this idiot mean?

It turns out that he’d cyber stalked me and found pictures of me from my early 20s when I was a model. So he thought that almost 20 years later that I should look the exact same as I did then. Clearly he’s a total fuckin’ moron. Do most cars look the same 20 years later? Do your slippers not age over time? Had his dumb ass looked in a mirror lately? Now, I know I sound angry, but honest to God I wasn’t (and am not now–you know how much I like sarcastic 4-letter words! 🙂 ) I actually found this quite entertaining. What he didn’t realize he was saying was, “I’m the type of guy who will cheat on you when you get older. I always want a woman to look 20 so you better never get a gray hair or gain a pound. I will hit mid-life crisis and go wild. I will not support you as you age because real women aren’t supposed to age, etc…” So many things he communicated in such a short sentence.

Needless to say I never answered a phone call or text from him ever again. Fuck that noise.

Now on to my little ball-kickin’, ass-smackin’, take no guff empowerment for the ladies!

Right after this idiot showed his ass, I heard this song and it changed my life in so many ways. I was always a strong girl. Sweet but with a taking care of business, don’t fuck with me head, and a kind and forgiving heart. Lord knows I’m no saint, but I do try to be kind. Well, there’s a time for “kind” and a time to stand the hell up. That’s what this song is all about. It’s about knowing that you and your thoughts and your actions are as valuable as the opposite sex’s thoughts and actions and not to let anyone or anything make you feel otherwise.

I liked it so much I wrote the lyrics down and put them on an old picture of mine (from days when I was “better!” HA!) and hung it on the wall right inside my front door to remind me daily that I can look however the fuck I want, that no one looks like a supermodel (not even supermodels do thanks to Mr. Airbrush) and that if someone doesn’t like me for who I am they can go bite a dick. 😉

Below is the pic in case any of you ladies want the lyrics. There is also the song. It has more than one naughty word in it, but it is BRILLIANT and I love it and it’s my anthem, but if there are small ears around put in your earbuds.

The best way to enjoy it the first time is to hit play and then read along with the lyrics so you know what she’s saying. Then just crank it to 11 and let your ears bleed! 🙂

Love you!

ENJOY!!!

Take No Shit, Ladies!

10 Things I Hate About PMS! ;)

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Yeah, yeah, TMI I know. But dammit, sometimes a girl just has to share.

10 reasons PMS sucks donkey balls:

  1. Men don’t have it. NOT FAIR!
  2. I’m hungry all the time.
  3. Did I mention that I’M HUNGRY ALL THE TIME!?
  4. All I want to eat is pizza, chocolate, McDonald’s french fries, more pizza, more chocolate, spaghetti with homemade sauce, Snickers and funnel cake.
  5. After eating all that, all I want to do is sleep and then wake up and then sleep some more.
  6. I gain like 3 pounds of water weight for about 6 days.
  7. I wake up 5 times a night to a bursting bladder. Then I can’t fall back asleep and lay there cursing anyone and everyone that is asleep at that precise moment.
  8. It’s the precursor to even more fun the next week. Yay!
  9. Did I mention that I can’t stop stuffing my gullet?
  10. MEN DON’T HAVE IT! STILL NOT FAIR!!!

I guess I should be thankful that I don’t get bitchy or whiny or weepy. I know the hubby is thankful for that! But dammit, the absence of one misery doesn’t negate the presence of others.

I saw on a TV show a man saying that women should just shut up about it because men, after all, have to get prostate exams. Needless to say I went over to the TV and smashed it with a bat. Then I found where the guy lived and burned his house to the ground with him and his prostate in it.

PMS

PMS 1

PMS 2

Ma! Hey Ma! Lookit me! I made a new page!

Yeah, I’m a dork.

But I made a new page and wanted to let you guys know.

It’s the Fun Videos page and has my WGN-TV cooking segment and a promo video for each book.

Just wanted to get the word out so you could waste a few minutes of your life that no matter how hard you try you can never get back. 😉

XOXOXO

PS: I’m quite certain this is the shortest post I’ve ever written or will ever write! Aren’t you lucky today!?

Here’s a cute picture for your viewing pleasure:

furry critter

UPDATE: Your Opinion Needed! New Author Pic Dilemma.

UPDATE: Big thanks to all of you who have given me feedback on the pics! 🙂 You don’t know how much I appreciate it. 🙂 Since most of you thought that a different color scarf might look better, I went in and futzed with the pic and now have a red scarf. What about this? Is this better, worse? Again, HUGE thanks!! You guys kick ass!

Jodi 3

red line for website

Howdy!

So I was goofing around taking pics a few weekends ago and one of them actually turned out okay, which is NOT easy as I can take some ugly damn pictures! (Honest to God, that is not me being self-deprecating, I seriously look like a F.R.E.A.K. in a LOT of my pics!) I was also going through the pics from my last author pic photo shoot and found one I kinda like.

I’m getting kinda sick at looking at my current author’s photo and want some options, so I thought I’d reach out to you guys and you could let me know which pic you like better.

We’ll call them Purple Scarf and White Sweater to make it easy.

Any help you can be will be super duper extra appreciated! 🙂

Thanks, I and hope you are all having a kick ass weekend! XOXOXO

Jodi 1

Jodi 2